Bosom Buddies (1980–1982): Season 2, Episode 13 - Kip Off the Old Block - full transcript

Kip's parents visit the Big Apple and their marriage falls apart.

HENRY (voice over): When
we moved to New York,

we had a great
apartment that was cheap.

KIP (voice over):
And we found out why.

HENRY: Our friend Amy said

there was a great
apartment in her building...

KIP: Dirt cheap. But
it's a hotel for women.

Okay, we made one adjustment.

HENRY: Now these
other ladies know us

as Buffy and Hildegarde.

KIP: But they also know us

as Kip and Henry, Buffy
and Hildy's brothers.



I am, uh, crazy
about the blond, heh.

HENRY: This experience
is gonna make a great book.

KIP: See, it's all
perfectly normal.

(Stephanie Mills' "Shake
Me Loose" playing)

♪ I'd like to be J. Paul Getty ♪

♪ That gig Has got potential ♪

♪ But the only thing
That's essential ♪

♪ Is having a friend Like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪



♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪
♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with ♪

♪ Oh, ohh ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Don't try to shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Oh ♪

♪ You can tell me to go away ♪

♪ But it doesn't
matter What you say ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

( upbeat theme playing)

Well, how do I look?

Hey, look at this, huh?

Will you look at
this? WOMAN: Oooh.

Can you see this, huh?

The woman is meeting
my parents for the first time.

She's wearing a dress
without a chest on it.

What, you got it on backwards?

She doesn't have
it on backwards.

Kip, darling, who am I meeting,
the Wilsons or the Falwells?

That is... That's
right. Now, Ruth.

Hm.

I want you to keep
in mind: Uh-huh.

My father's a married man.

Really, Kip? Your... Your
parents were married?

Well, how novel.

I mean, I imagined, of course,

that you'd been
suckled by wolves.

Get out of here.

What do you give a
wolf on Father's Day?

Aqua Velva and a rabbit?

Okay, still no sign of 'em.

All right, now,

as you remember from our
last briefing, my father is a...?

ALL: Dentist.

Slash?

ALL: Orthodontist.

That's right.

And besides civil
liberties and world peace,

the most important
thing to him is...?

Oral hygiene. ALL: Oral hygiene.

That's right.

So before they get here,

we've got time for
one more quick floss.

Wrap it around both index
fingers, and, ready? Floss.

Come on, you guys.

Floss.

All right, just remember,
Leon Spinks didn't floss.

Leon Spinks can't floss.

Come, Kip, sit with
me, spit with me.

I know what you want:

you want your parents
to like all your friends.

But if you keep
acting like this,

we're not gonna be your friends.

Remember, we're nice people.

We're not The Plasmatics.

I never know what to do with
my parents when they're in town.

I mean, what do
you do with them?

Don't get me wrong,

I think the Rockettes
are great the first

50 or 60 times you see 'em.

Well, I don't have a problem.

When my mom comes to town,

I just sit and watch
her clean my room.

(chuckles)

My mother and I lunch every
Tuesday at the Russian Tea Room.

She has three double vodkas,

sings the theme
from Doctor Zhivago,

falls face-first
in the stroganoff

and I stay in the will.

SONNY: Oh, up, up, up, up.

Kippy? Mom! Oh!

Hi, honey. Here's my mom.

Oh, here's my
mom. Here, here. Hi.

Oh, how are ya? Hi, darling.

Hi, son. Hi, Dad.

Ha, ha, ha. Henry.

KIP: There's Henry.

Been a while. Hey, Henry.

Nice to see you.
Was the flight okay?

Hotel all set? It was great.

Everything was terrific. Good.

Well, you look great. Thank you.

Well, have I, uh, changed any?

Well, uh, this is new.

Don't discourage
dental awareness, honey.

Oh, twice a day, Dad.

Heh, heh. Twice a day. Good boy.

Listen, uh, Mom, Dad,

I want you to meet
somebody very special to me.

My lady friend, Sonny.

Kip has told us so
much about you.

Welcome to the family.

(chuckling): Democrats.

No, I'm not Sonny.

I'm Isabelle.

Excuse me.

Did you send a
picture or the negative?

Well, then, Sonny.

No, Amy.

(both laugh)

(laughing): Oh, I'm sorry.

(laughing)

I'm not.

(laughs)

(laughing): Are you mad?

Oh, I'm sorry. Hah.

I am Ruth Dunbar.

DR. WILSON: Oh, ho, ho. Hello.

Yes, I'm... I'm the resident
adult in the monkey house.

MRS. WILSON: A
pleasure to meet you.

I mean, Ruth's old
enough to be your... friend.

(laughs)

Me. I'm Sonny.

No.

(laughs)

Yes. DR. WILSON: Well.

Hello.

Hello, Sonny.

Kip, you son of a gun!

Dad, come on.

(both laughing)

Well, are we going
to be changing

any little grandchildren soon?

(laughing): Grandchildren.

Grandchildren.

They haven't even, uh...

Well, we gotta get going.

Uh, why don't we, uh...?

I heard we gotta get
out to Uncle Rudy's, huh?

We should probably...

The rush hour
should be over by now.

Bye. Um, you
guys aren't invited.

Oh, I'll just make
do with 21, I guess.

I'm so crushed. You
guys wanna lock up for us?

( relaxed theme playing)

Uh, Rudy, I owe you
one for dragging this...

You don't wanna see this.

Come on, turn the page.

Turn the page. No, I love this.

Isn't this cute?

Little Kippy naked
on the bearskin rug.

Awwwww.

That little dickens.

Mom, don't look at that.

Come on, get to when I was
in high school or something.

Turn. Cute.

Oh, yeah, th... This. Oh, gee.

There he is. That's his, uh,

costume in the school
play, World of Nutrition.

Kip was one of the
five basic food groups.

Let me guess:

Fruit.

(all laugh)

I was not.

I... I was bread and grain.

See, I'm wearing
whole wheat pants there.

Mm-hm. Oh, yeah.

I barley recognized you.

(all groan)

You must be a
gluten for punishment.

(all moan)

All right, I'll be cereal. Oh.

Too corny or what? Ha, ha, ha.

Is my sense of
humor too raw crust?

Will you shut up?

Henry, the pun is the
lowest form of humor.

Oh, I love puns.

I rest my case.

Yeah, this is great.

You got one of
him in the bathtub?

As a matter of fact,

we do right over here with you.

Awwwww.

We were so pleased

when they both
started seeing girls.

Henry, please tell me
that's a rubber duck.

Please.

Actually, it's nothing.

Can we eat now?

Great idea, Kip.

Great idea.

You know, the little
woman prepared something

real special tonight.

DR. WILSON: Oh, great.

Oh, uh, Sonny,

come over here and sit with me.

Uh, Kip, sit with your mother.

You know, it's not
often that I get to sit

with a beautiful woman.

Well, thank you
very much, Thomas.

(laughing): Oh, Enid, come on.

Well, I'll sit with
you, Mrs. Wilson.

It's not often I get to sit
next to a beautiful woman.

Thank you.

(tribal drumming)

Sounds like dinner's ready.

What is this? One of
Jack Lord's specialties?

Soup's on.

ALL: Oh.

Wow.

HENRY: Big pig. Big pig.

Nobody here keeps
kosher, do they?

(laughs)

Leilani, this is my brother Tom,

Enid, their tadpole,
Kip, Henry and Sonny.

Hello.

She says hi. Heh, heh.

Uh, Kip.

Uh, you wanna ask the blessing?

Oh, sure, Pop.

(clears throat)

We thank thee for this
bounty we are about to receive.

ALL: Amen.

(speaks in Hawaiian)

Oh, Maui god.

ALL: Amen.

Through the teeth Over the gums

Look out stomach Here it comes

Well, you know,
uh, eh, technically,

uh, once it was
through the teeth,

it would already
be past the gums.

That's true. I didn't know that.

(sighs)

You think it's fun

being married to a dentist?

Bor-ing.

(all chuckle)

Yeah, but you don't
mind that new Oldsmobile

every year, do you?

RUDY: Okay, uh, who
wants a piece of cheek?

How about a snout?

Speak up, there's only one.

Ooh, snout.

Very sexy.

Man who eat snout
never tires out.

(all chuckle)

Well, then, let's give him
a whole plate full of snout.

(laughs)

(all chuckle)

Why don't you kiss this?

I have for 28 years.

Oh, whoa, hey!

Heh, heh, heh. Flag on that one.

Ooh, on the pig.

Um, Mom, Dad, please,
unspouseman-like conduct.

Come on.

We got family here.

We got friends.

We got pork. Let's pig out.

It's a joyous occasion.

(all chuckle)

On a pun...

I have never
seen them like this.

Like what?

You know, uh, I've
heard actually that a pig

is a smarter
animal than a horse.

But I guess that's not true,

'cause you don't see
Mister Ed lying here, do you?

(laughing)

Kind of a tension cutter. Heh.

DR. WILSON: So...

Sonny, Sonny,
Sonny, Sonny, Sonny.

There's the origin
of that phrase.

Is that dress on backwards?

Dad, I think you're
embarrassing her,

and frankly, you're
embarrassing me.

Oh, come on.

(laughing): I was just teasing.

Yeah. I-I know. I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have said
anything. Let's just eat.

She knows I didn't mean
anything. Don't you, honey?

It's "Sonny," Dad.

Sure, it's all in fun.

Some fun. At the
expense of a woman.

Why don't you just put
an apple in your mouth

and hop up here next to the pig?

Enid, you're making
mountains out of molehills.

Oh, it's not just tonight.

It's the past 28 years.

Sonny, am I crazy,

or can I actually see
myself in this china?

Leilani, this is just wonderful.

I mean, I must have the recipe.

Sure! You catch
it, kill it and cook it.

Ah. So that's your secret.

Look, if you have
such a problem,

why are you still here?

I was asking myself
that very question.

(scoffing): Ah, well,
there's the door.

Mom, Dad, door talk? Come on.

"There's the door"?

I swear, my whole
life they never fought.

We always fought,
just not in front of you.

We didn't think you
could deal with it.

I can't.

I'm telling you, Enid:

if I go out that door, I'm
gonna keep on going.

But you'll miss dessert.

I am not letting
you walk out on me.

The Women Strike for
Peace would tear me apart.

I am walking out on you.

KIP: Aw... Mom.

Please.

I'm sorry if this doesn't
fit in with your dental plan.

Dad, you wanna
go after her, please?

All right. I'm going, all right.

I'm going to look up a little
hygienist I used to know.

Uh, hang on to that snout.

I may need it later.

KIP: Aw, Dad.

Ah.

I-I'm sorry. Heh.

I guess I shouldn't
have worn this dress.

Then you would have been naked.

(laughs)

Sorry.

It's all right, Sonny.
It's not your fault.

It's like I didn't even
recognize them tonight.

Well, look, you
know, they... Ahem.

They fought, that's all.

They'll get back together.

You know, it happens to people.

Yeah, but we're not
talking about people, Henry.

We're talking about my parents.

( melancholy theme playing)

( relaxed theme playing)

Uh, Sonny?

Oh, I'm so glad to see you.

Uh, listen,

I hope you know that I
was just showing off tonight,

and that was stupid
and juvenile. Agh.

Oh, that's all right.

I'm used to stupid and
juvenile behavior from your son.

This is where
Kip lives, isn't it?

I mean, uh, this is the
address he gave me.

Dr. Wilson, you've been
through so much already, I...

I don't know how
to tell you this, but...

Dad.

Dad!

Oh, this'll be a peach in
the family photo album.

Those damn
liberal arts colleges.

Uh, here... Dad, why don't
you let me explain, see?

My wife is leaving me,
and my son is in drag.

God, what a day.

If it's not one
thing, it's another.

Dad, all right, it's a
hotel for women only,

but the rent is cheap.

Uh, I live near Sonny.

Okay, we made one adjustment.

I swear it wasn't my idea.

Uh, we'll discuss
it later, all right?

Kip, uh, don't you think maybe
we ought to do something

about your dad, huh? Oh, yeah.

Uh, Dad, this isn't gonna
be easy for you, but, uh, here:

HENRY: Now these other
ladies know us as Buffy and Hildy.

KIP: But they also know
us as Kip and Henry,

Buffy and Hildy's brothers.

See, it's all perfectly normal.

(snorts)

Hello, Dr. Wilson. Ahem.

I really wanna commend you
on the way you go with the flow.

Matter of fact,
may I call you Flo?

(laughs)

What is that, Isabelle,
some sort of black jive

street humor we're not
supposed to understand?

Can't you see the
man's embarrassed?

Please, no need
to be embarrassed.

Look, I'm used to it.

Look, to me a day
without a man in a dress

is like a day without sunshine,
and it is bright out today.

Yeah, the acorn doesn't
fall far from the tree.

( upbeat theme playing)

Well, Dr. Wilson, if
there's anything you need,

I'll be right across
the hall, okay?

You know, with all this,

I'm beginning to
wonder who's a man

and who's a woman around here.

Big stretch, Dad.

(sighs)

I don't know where my mind was.

Dad, would you like
me to explain again

why Henry and I do this?

(stammering)

(laughing nervously): No.

I-I, uh... The dresses
don't bother me.

Oh, really?

Don't you think these
collars are all wrong?

I mean, who wears
collars like this anymore?

What bothers me is that I'll
never see my beloved Enid again.

(sobs)

Floss, hm?

In times of stress
he turns to floss.

As long as he doesn't
try to floss and drive.

Dad, now,

this is getting more
and more ridiculous.

You've got 28 years
invested in this marriage,

and... And you and Mom have a...

A fight over pork snout,
for crying out loud,

and now you're just gonna
sit here and cry about it?

Don't talk to me that way.

Well, I'll talk to you any way

that it makes you come
to your senses, Dad.

I'm not gonna sit around
and watch everything fall apart.

Neither should you.

Yeah, yeah, y-you're right.

I... I'm sorry. It's, uh...

It's just that I don't
know what to do.

(sobbing)

Well, look, Dad... (scoffs)

let's go downstairs

and I'll buy you a drink,

and we'll give Mom a call

and she'll come meet
us at the coffee shop.

(sniffling): Yeah. Yep.

You're right. I'm
sorry. Let's go.

Kip, I... I'm really proud of
the man that you've become.

Thanks, Dad.

I owe a lot of what I am to you.

( relaxed theme playing)

Whiskey.

Um, I'll have a dark beer.

And there's gonna be
somebody else joining us.

Thank you, Patty.

(grunts)

I feel like a raw, exposed nerve

that she drilled
without Novocaine.

That's real vivid, Dad.

I don't know why I'm here.

I have nothing to say.

All right, now here she is.

Hi, Mom. Hi, darling.

How you doing? All right.

Okay.

Uh, why don't you sit down?

Here, I'll grab a seat.

Did you see that?

What? A woman sitting, Dad.

Well, if you'll excuse
me, I'll just, uh...

Oh, gee, do you gotta leave?

(clears throat)

Well, yay. Here we are, Mom.

Here we are, Dad.

Here I are, Kip.

Your father made a damn
fool of himself at Rudy's,

and he embarrassed me.

You know...

on Eight is Enough once, they...

I'll say what I
want when I want.

I don't complain about
your Joan Baez wardrobe.

You know, Joan Baez once said...

My clothes are a reaction to
your classless, middle-class,

boring partners and friends.

Now, Dr. Joyce Brothers...

At least I have some friends.

Oh-ho, you know,
"Doonesbury" once, uh, had a...

Well, thank you very much.

It was really nice
seeing you again, Kip.

Now, Mom... There's
nothing you can say

that would make me stay.

Mom. Please, Mom...

Mom, I dress in women's clothes!

Now is not the time
to go into this, Kip.

Yes, Mom, I dress

in women's clothes,
and I have every day now

for two full years.

You...? You dress
in women's clothes?

That's just so he
can stay in that hotel,

and be near to Sonny.
Uh, it almost makes sense.

You knew this?

Oh, it's been a hell of a day.

(groans)

All right, now that I have
everyone's attention...

Sit.

(sighs) There!

Very good.

Now we are going to
hash this problem out,

and until we get it hashed
out, no one is leaving this table.

Do you understand me?

I need a glass of water.

You just had one.

Mom.

Dad.

Enid, Thomas, I
don't mind saying

that I am very
disappointed in you.

Well, he started it.

Well, I don't care
who started it,

the little dickens
here is finishing it.

You understand me?

BOTH (softly): Yes.

I can't hear you.

BOTH (louder): Yes.

All right, then, now:

You both acted abominably,
and I think we all know that.

So what I would
like to hear right now

is a little apologizing...

or do I have to get the belt?

Kip, don't push this bit.

Sorry, Dad, I just noticed
a shortage of adults here.

Mom?

I guess I did jump
down your throat.

Dad?

Heh.

When Rudy and I get together,

we behave like a couple of kids.

(chuckles)

Listen, I missed you so much

I was grinding my teeth.

(chuckles): Oh, honey.

(laughs)

Now that is what I
call grinding your teeth.

(laughing)

Yeah. Heh.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

(sighs)

Well, it's been a very long day.

Why don't you get back

to your hotel and,
uh, get some sleep...

And I mean, get some sleep.

And, uh, tomorrow
I'll take you on the ferry

to Staten Island or something.

You're so cute.

Oh, that's my Mom. Ha, ha, ha.

Well, thank you, son.

Eh... you know, for
all the stuff you did.

That's real warm, Dad.

You kids need cab fare?

Careful crossing streets.

It was a dark beer
for you, wasn't it?

Yep.

That was pretty good.

Good stuff. Heh.

You ought to be, uh,
feeling pretty good.

Mm-hm.

Should be.

(laughs): I don't know, Henry.

I had control, I had power,

I had influence over
my own parents.

Manipulated 'em like
a couple of stupid kids.

Something's wrong here.

Something's...
Something's not right.

Well, you know, all your
life your parents are here:

You're down here:

And you mature and you grow,

and you find out
all of a sudden...

What am I doing here?

(laughs)

All I'm trying to
say is, it's, uh...

It's the way things
happen, you know.

It's natural.

It doesn't feel natural.

You're a sketch, you know that?

What's the matter with you?

You afraid of growing up?

Yep.

( upbeat theme playing)