Bosom Buddies (1980–1982): Season 1, Episode 2 - My Brother, My Sister, Myself - full transcript

(Stephanie Mills' "Shake
Me Loose" playing)

♪ I'd like to be J. Paul Getty ♪

♪ That gig Has got potential ♪

♪ But the only thing
That's essential ♪

♪ Is having a friend Like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't an ease ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪



♪ I'd like a chateau In Paris ♪

♪ There ain't no doubt
About it ♪ ♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ But I can Live without it ♪

♪ If I've got A
friend like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can tell me To go away ♪

♪ But it doesn't
matter What you say ♪

♪ It ain't an ease ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪

♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪
♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with ♪



♪ Oh, ohhhh ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Shake me loose ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't an ease ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

( upbeat theme playing)

She's gone.

Great shot, Henry.

Tough nuggies, Kip.

All right, Henry!

Kip, I've seen
Brownies do better. Heh.

Yay, Henry, that was great!

All right!

No, it bounces off the rim!

She's playing favorites.

That's right, Kip.
Henry's my favorite.

He's adorable,
sensitive and lovable.

What am I?

(gags)

That's kinda graphic,
don't you think?

Desmond stops, pivots,
fakes Wilson out of his shorts,

hops, leaps, steps, shoots!

It's in! The game's over!
The championship is over!

Your career is over.
Huzzah, huzzah.

Just canning some
ideas from this morning.

Well, Magic, Dr. J.

Hey! Heh.

Don't you ever do that again.

Let us see what you
two creative wizards

have done with the
bulk of your morning.

Oh, no, no, uh, these are just

some preliminary sketches, Ruth.

They're really not
ready to be seen yet.

Oh, I see.

You think this is a democracy.

Oh, Kip, I must say, she's
certainly very attractive.

I don't think they
ever get that big.

How big? RUTH: I see.

Ah, Kip. The last
of the romantics.

Well, boys, let me
leave you with the words

that my father used to say
when he sat me on his knee.

"Clean up your room or it's
three more days in the closet."

Henry, wanna have lunch
with me? I'm having sushi.

Actually, raw fish
doesn't sound like lunch.

Sounds like a fraternity prank.

What do we do if
the phone rings?

Traditionally, you answer it.

But there is a girl who
comes on in my breaks,

and, uh, she'll get 'em.

If you change your
mind, I'm across the street

at "If You Knew Sushi."

Sayonara.

Forget lunch.

Look what we've been
passing up in favor of tuna salad.

Henry, do you know who that is?

Yes, I saw her when
I was 14-years-old

in my first no-nonsense dream.

No, no, no.

We are talking
reality here, son.

That is none other
than Dawn Stekovitch.

The Dawn Stekovitch?

Dawn "Pride of the
Fleet" Stekovitch?

Henry, don't be so provincial.

This is a whole new age.

An age where women are
allowed to express themselves

in mature and
uninhibited fashions.

I love this age!

Ah, forget it. I don't think
she'd wanna go out with me.

"Ah, forget it, I don't think
she'd wanna go out with me."

Are you afraid of her?

Does her open sexuality,
uh, threaten you?

Who says she's so open sexually?

Everybody!

Look, just get over
there and strut your stuff.

Believe me, her
favorite word is "yes."

Yes?

Yes.

Yes...

(clears throat)

Yes?

So, uh, you're... You're
Dawn Stekovitch?

Yes.

Hi, I'm, uh, Henry Desmond, heh.

It's a lovely day outside.

I hear around the office

you'll go out with
just about anybody.

Listen, pally...

I've been taking this
leering kind of abuse

from every two-bit
Romeo in this joint.

And from now on, this is how

I'm going to deal with all
of you rude, little gossips!

In her own
uninhibited fashion, uh,

I think she kind of likes you.

Could we have a stretcher
to the seventh floor?

You want oxygen?

Yeah.

Yeah, we'll have oxygen and, uh,

two lemon Cokes
with chipped ice.

Thanks, Manuel.

( upbeat theme playing)

Rise and shine.

Greet the new day.

Today's the first day
of the rest of your life.

Come on, Kip, get up.

No, no, just, uh, five
more minutes, Mom.

I'm not your mother.

You look like my mother.

Come on, Kip, we got a busy day.

Oh... Come on.

Oh! Leave me alone!

Come on, Kip, don't make me
cram you into your pantyhose.

Oh, Henry, I was having this
wonderful dream about Sonny.

I was all alone in a
mountain ski lodge

in front of a roaring
fire when in she walks.

A goddess in her nightgown.

Good morning! Oh!

Oh, God!

I'm a witch.

SONNY: This is stupid!

Why didn't I knock?

I've got the worst timing.

Sonny, really, it's not
at all what you think.

Hilda, you know the rules.

There are no men allowed in
the hotel except in the lobby.

Yes, but you see,
this isn't exactly a man.

Hey! I'm all man!

Sonny, I know this
looks a bit unusual,

but I'll explain it all later.

In the meantime, we
have no real problem

unless the manager
finds out. Right.

Hildegarde, I'm
so sorry I burst in.

I just wanted to introduce
you and Buffy to someone.

Well, now, Buffy's
not here right now

and I don't think
it's a very good time

for us to meet anybody new.

I think it's a pretty
good time to meet me.

I'm the new manager.

And if you don't have
a good explanation,

you're dead meat.

Hup, break time's over.

I'm gonna start on the outside
of these windows now, ladies.

(indistinct shouting)

KIP: Where's my ammonia?
Where's my ammonia?

Henry, what is happening?

We have a small problem.

Stay calm,
everything'll be okay.

Ow, ow, ow! Will
you look at this!

Ooh, ooh, oh, jeez.

Ladies, I haven't
met some of you.

My name is Lilly Sinclair.

I'm the new manager of
the Susan B. Anthony Hotel...

For women.

And now, young lady,

perhaps you can explain
why you had a man

in your room.

(gasps) Oh, hold on, hold on!

Excuse me, excuse me.

(humming)

I don't wanna miss
anything, honey, go ahead.

Look, could I just
get somebody's robe?

No! How about a towel?

No! How about a
messy Handi wipe?

No! Ow!

Hildegarde, where's
Buffy? Who's Buffy?

Ah, Buffy's my, ah, roommate.

Well, who's he?

Who me? Who's you?

Oh, him? He's Buffy brother.

Yeah, you see, we...

Yeah, Kip and Buffy
are brother and sister.

Right, you bet, exactly.
That's what they are.

Yes, that's right, and
Buffy's off visiting our dad...

Reverend Wilson.

That's sweet.

But you're still
out on your can.

Wait a minute!

Just give me a
chance to explain.

This sure beats
shavin' your legs.

Why don't I just begin
at the beginning, okay?

Hi, my name's Kip Wilson.
It's a pleasure to meet you.

Pleased to meet you.

I'm really glad
we had the chance

to get together like this.

I just had the most
wonderful idea.

Why don't we go
out for lunch today?

You don't have any pants on.

Yeah, well, someplace casual.

Kip and I have known each
other for many, many, many years.

Our families were very, very,
very close back in Saskatchewan.

Our fathers trapped
beaver together.

Danish?

No, Canadian. Oh, thank you.

WOMAN 1: Do you have prune?
WOMAN 2: I have everything.

(indistinct chatter)

(whistles)

Oh! Ow! Enough with the ear!

If I don't get
some straight talk,

that ear is history.

Wait, Lilly, Lilly, Lilly!

Think of these two kids growing
up together in the bitter cold

and then the little
boy becomes a man,

the little girl a woman.

This is so romantic,
just like Blue Lagoon.

Then, last night, by chance,
Lilly, the two sweethearts meet.

Hildegarde sneaks
Kip into her room

while his sister,
Buffy, is outta town.

And then... I don't
want to know.

I do. Anybody else?

(all cheering)

Lilly, you were young once.

Yes, but I was never in Canada.

Look, I-I-I think you're
missing the point.

No, I'm not. And
I'm not a monster.

But this hotel has rules

so women can come
here and feel safe.

But I'll do this.

I'll call a meeting tonight
and let the girls in the hotel

decide if you can stay.

Great. That's very democratic.

Now, I'll just get my pants.

Ow! Oh, oh, look at this.

Who am I, Larry Fine?
Look, lady, I'm not your kid.

Oh, my dad's gonna
hear about this one.

Oh, hey, Sonny? Yes.

I'm really glad we had
the chance to do this.

Let's do it again
real soon, 'kay?

( upbeat theme playing)

I thought he was being polite
offering me his subway seat.

How do you get
gum out of your skirt?

Use gasoline, or peanut
butter you can use.

I'd just, like, really,
really want to say,

I think you're, like, the best.

I think you're, like, a bimbo.

She is, like, the best!

WOMAN 2: She's a bimbo.

I'm a bimbo?

The best bimbo.

Hildegarde, I'm so
sorry everyone's talking.

Everyone knows?

Yes, but don't worry.

I straightened
the whole story out

with the people at the market.

The people at the market know?

Isn't it funny?

At one time you would've
gotten a bad reputation,

but now I think you've
gotten a good reputation.

I don't have any reputation.

That's what I told everyone
down at the car wash.

The men at the car wash know?

Oh, men who Simoniz
are talking about me.

Yeah, but not in English.

(as Elvis) Hi, ho, everybody.

What are you
doing here like that?

Whenever we're here,
we're supposed to be dressed

as Hildegarde and
Buffy. P-p-p-pound cake.

You forget, this morning I
was introduced to the residents

as Kip Wilson, swinging
boss-guy brother

to buxom Buffy Wilson.

Smart togs, Blondie.

Kip, this is awful.

Everyone in the building
thinks I'm a public utility.

That tenants' meeting tonight.

I have a feeling they're
gonna kick our tails outta here.

Gads, that is a problem.

Excuse me.

Hi, Sonny?

Remember me, Kip Wilson.

I didn't recognize
you with your pants on.

I did.

Listen, I was wondering
if, uh, you'd be interested

in some dinner tonight. What?

If you're not hungry,
maybe just a ride

around the park and some
coffee afterwards, huh?

How can you have
the gall to ask me out

right in front of Hildegarde,

the woman you're
supposed to cherish?

Cherish may be
too strong a word.

You are the lowest kind
of man I've ever met,

and I never want
to see you again.

You're dirt.

What happened?

She called me dirt.

Well, in an uninhibited sort
of way, I think she likes you.

She called me dirt!

She didn't call you filth.

That's right.

( upbeat theme playing)

Hey! Get that
ambulance outta here!

That's a one-way
street, you dope!

Pipe down, will ya? I'm
working on my book here.

That's why I agreed to
stay here if you'll remember,

to write about my experiences
as a man in a woman's world.

I just can't understand that
every morning and evening

I get dressed up as a girl
to be near the woman I love,

and now that
woman hates my guts.

I know. It'll make
a great chapter.

Oh, you bloodsucker.

Your book is coming
right outta my broken heart.

Hey, I'm not exactly
thrilled with my situation.

In 45 minutes I have to defend
my honor at a tenants' meeting.

Everybody still likes you.

Oh, exactly. I'm the
sweetheart of men who Simoniz.

Man, I... I tell ya,
I'm beginning to think

we oughta just pack it in.

I know how ya feel, guy.

Well, I'm not even sure if
it's worth living here anymore.

Of course it's worth it!

I wish you'd lock that door.

Don't leave. Henry,
I want you to stay.

I like having you here.

And I'm sorry I
listened in your keyhole.

Come on, you guys
love it here. It's cheap.

Henry, you've got your
book. You've got Sonny.

She called me dirt.

Well, at least she
didn't call ya filth.

You heard that too?

(phone ringing)

Hello.

It's somebody breathing heavy.

It's for him.

Look, pal, quit calling me.

Guys like you
should be locked up.

Oh, you are locked up.

How's the food?

( upbeat theme playing)

KIP: Here we go. Hi.

Don't worry, girls,
you've got my vote.

Yeah, and I took a
poll of all the other girls.

Great, how'd it come out?

Well, polls don't mean anything.

Yeah, that's what
Carter thought.

All right, ladies, let's gather
and get the meeting started.

Now, this meeting was
called to discuss some issues

that concern the hotel.

Like, I just really, really
hope it's been called

to discuss the tomatoes.

What tomatoes?

Well, there are, like,
these three girls in this hotel

and I don't wanna
name any names...

Okay, Judy, Becky, Liz.

And, like, these three
girls grow these tomatoes.

And, like, these
tomatoes breed bugs.

I mean, gross me out the door.

Honey, sit.

There's something
I'd like to say.

Well, certainly.

At this time we'll hear
from Buffy and Hildegarde.

Women of the Susan
B. Anthony Hotel.

Weclem... That's welcome.

Welcome.

Now, there's something
getting around here,

and it's not me.

I told you all
she's a sweet girl.

She's a tramp.

How do you know?

Because I'm a tramp.

Would you like to
meet my brother, Kip?

Yeah.

(whispers) Would you sit down?

Yesterday, I was
clappy as a ham.

That's happy as a clam.

Happy like a clam.

Now I'm a cult hero to
some and a bimbo to others.

I get calls at 3:00
in the morning

from the stars of
"Scared Straight."

Now, why is this
happening to me?

Well, I can tell you why.

Because there are
a lot of people here

with very small minds.

Now, I don't wanna
mention any names, Lee Ann.

Hildy, as far as I'm
concerned, I like you,

and whatever you
do that doesn't hurt me

is none of my
business. Right, ladies?

(cheering and shouting)

That's a beautiful thought.
Bite the wall, Lee Ann.

Hey, Miss Easy Street still
hasn't explained what went down.

Well, Miss Easy Street

has a perfectly
reasonable explanation.

No, I don't.

There you have it.

Because I don't have to explain.

I broke a rule and
for that I'm sorry.

But I don't owe
you an explanation.

I know what kind of person I am.

Some of you will always
want to judge by what you hear,

by what you see.

Well, I can't be
bothered with that.

So think what you want
about me, go ahead,

but look around because,
maybe, you'll always have to worry,

"Hm, what are they
thinking about me?"

Sorry, I... I hate speeches.

Me too. But I thought
that was a pretty good one.

You'd better believe it.

All those in favor of Buffy
and Hildy staying, say aye.

ALL: Aye!

Opposed? LILLY:
The ayes have it.

Welcome home.

(all cheering)

I think we all learned
a lesson from this.

Yeah, Canadian girls are tramps.

How do you know?

I'm Canadian.

Would you like bus fare back?

Come on, ladies,
drinks are on me.

You were sensational, kid.

Well, thank you, but
there's still something

I want to get over.
Cover me a minute.

Sure.

Oh, uh, Sonny. Heh.

I, uh, heard you
met my brother, Kip.

You know, good-looking
kid, curly hair.

Buffy, you're a very sweet
girl, but that brother of yours...

Oh, he's sweet too. I swear.

He came on to me right
in front of Hildegarde.

But so... Oh, should
I be saying this?

Kip would kill me
if he found out.

Well, it needs to be said.

Sonny, for years, both
of them knew it was over.

Oh, they tried to live with
the fantasy of what was,

but for them to be lovers
now was impossible.

Really impossible.

Trust me on this one.

Really, really,
really impossible.

Yes, I know how that can be.

When you've loved a man,
and held him, and kissed him,

and cared for him, it
can be so hard to let go.

Oh, wow.

Yes, I think you
understand pretty well.

Uh, they decided
to... part as friends.

Be free. See other people.

Kip needs tenderness
and understanding.

I guess what I'm trying
to say is Kip is available.

Well, when you see Kip,

tell him that I
don't think he's dirt.

I'm not dirt.

She thinks I'm not dirt.

A girl could marry
a guy who's not dirt.

Everybody, I'd like
you to meet a really,

really, good friend of mine.

Hildegarde's brother,
Henry Desmond.

WOMAN: Hey.

Hi. Nice outfit.

I... I just thought I'd drop by

and see where
my sister was living.

Well, how nice to see you.

Nice to see you.

Hi, I'm Sonny.
Pleased to meet you.

Hi.

We all love your sister.

In fact, she's the
talk of the hotel.

Oh, that's my Hildy.

Do you know Buffy?

Oh, sure. Buffy
and I go way back.

She used to have
a huge crush on me.

Not huge, no.

Wait a minute.
Where's your sister?

Where's Hildegarde?

Oh, Lilly, haven't
we learned by now?

It's really none
of our business.

Hey, do you remember
that game we used to play?

What game is that?

Oh, come on.
Saskatchewan ear tag.

Ow, ow, ow, ow... (
upbeat theme playing)

( mellow theme playing)

(phone rings)

Livingston, Gentry and Mishkin.

Hello, Dawn, this is Henry.

Yes.

I'm sorry about the other day.

Why?

Well, let's just say my
sister straightened me out

about gossip and reputations.

Do you accept my apology?

It's accepted.

Would you like
to go out to lunch?

No.

Okay, just thought I'd ask.

Henry, wait.

I can't go out right now, but...

If you'd be interested in half
of a corned beef sandwich,

I'd be happy to
have you join me.

Oh, I'll be right
over. Oh, Dawn?

Yes?

Could you give me
directions on how to get there?

(snickers) I know the way.

This is a great idea.

( upbeat jazz theme playing)