Bosom Buddies (1980–1982): Season 1, Episode 18 - Best Friends - full transcript

When we got to New York
we had an apartment dirt cheap.

And we found out
why it was so cheap.

Amy said there's a great
apartment in her building.

Dirt cheap. But it's
a hotel for women.

Okay, we made one adjustment.

Now these other ladies know
us as Buffy and Hildegarde.

But they also know
us as Kip and Henry,

Buffy and Hildy's brothers.

I am, uh, crazy
about the blonde, heh.

This experience is
gonna make a great book.

See, it's all perfectly normal.



♪ I'd like to be J. Paul Getty ♪

♪ That gig Has got potential ♪

♪ But the only thing
That's essential ♪

♪ Is having a friend Like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪

♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪
♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with ♪



♪ Oh, ohhhh ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Don't try to shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪

♪ You can tell me To go away ♪

♪ But it doesn't
matter What you say ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

Yes.

Hello, yes, hello.

Lost that one.

Hello, Livingston,
Gentry and Mishkin.

Yeah. Is my
refrigerator running?

No, but I've got
pop in a bottle,

I've got Prince Albert in a can.

Look, it's all been
done, kid, okay?

See ya later. Hello.

Yes, oh. What's the
matter? Where's Amy?

Henry.

What's with you?

I think I've murdered
the copy machine.

You know, you can't fix these
things with a pair of scissors.

Where's Amy?

Oh, my God!

Where is Amy?

Go ahead.

If I don't have my reports,

I'm not gonna have
anything to report.

That's fine.

If I don't have my reports
in the next ten minutes,

it is going to be the
end of civilization

as we now know it.

Sounds good to me.

What is the matter with you?

What have you got all over you?

Dead copy machine!

It is the end.

I got 'em.

It took me all
night, but I got 'em.

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Okay, I'll handle it.

I'll handle it.

Please hold.

Please hold.

Please hold.

Please hold.

Have a nice day.

Oh, Kip, you stuck the
scissors in the machine.

Only I'm allowed to do that.

Amy, you're looking
at a broken woman.

Ruth, I distributed
those reports yesterday.

They were a little
long, but I cut 'em down.

You... You... You
edited my work?

Uh-huh.

Mr. Rubinowitz loved it.

Oh, he did?

Oh. Oh, well, of course he did.

A diamond is only
diamond when you cut it.

So, Amy, where've
you been all day, kid?

Oh. It took me all night,

but I got two tickets to see

Joey Midnight at the Garden.

Rock 'n Roll, Rock 'n Roll,
down to my toes in Rock 'n Roll.

That's right. I forgot.

Joey's in town.

Joey?

Yeah, he's an
old friend of mine.

Oh, yeah.

We went to camp together.

Every summer for ten years.

Right. He's my best friend.

Mm-hm.

Plaza Hotel. Uh, yes, uh,
Joey Midnight's room, please.

Yeah, I... I know.

Just tell him Kip Wilson is
calling for Mr. Joseph Raybonz.

Thank you.

His real name.

Oh, right, of course.

I never got to go to camp.

Summers I spent in
my dad's dry cleaners.

When other kids learned to
roast marshmallows and go on

weenie hunts, you know,
I... I learned to Martinize.

Joey!

Hey! This is Kip Wilson.

I'm gonna die!

Who'd you think it was?
Mickey Dolenz? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

How are you? Hey,
uh, how's your sister?

Heh-heh-heh-heh.

No, I'd love to see you.

Breakfast would be fine, sure.

Susan B. Anthony.

Listen, I know a place,
the Susan B. Anthony

Hotel Coffee Shop.
Good food. Ten o'clock?

Okay, Indian scout. I'll
see you tomorrow then.

Listen, do we have a bad
connection or something?

I can hardly hear you.

Oh, somebody's ripping
your shirt off your back.

Well, it's a common
problem at the Plaza.

I'll see you tomorrow. Okay.

Hello, Joey!

Oh, he said goodbye.

I don't think the skating
is the only problem.

Is he here yet?

Amy, you know,
this blind devotion

is not a healthful thing.

Mature older adults don't
engage in this kind of idol worship.

Is Joey Midnight here yet?

What an eloquent rebuttal.

Kip, I'm gonna go to the
john. You'll have to excuse me.

Thank you for a
nice quiet breakfast.

It's like you're
opening your own mall.

So? So?

He's not here yet.

I cannot believe you
people are so starstruck.

We are not starstruck, Kip.

We're perfectly... Oh!

Hey! I said shut up!

Have him sign this.

Now, listen, if you guys don't
calm down, I'm gonna take him

outta here. I'm gonna
take him right outta here.

'Kay.

How, Indian Brave.

How, Indian Scout.

♪ We are the braves
Of Pahookahonee ♪

♪ Free to camp and roam ♪

♪ Our parents have
shelled out Good money ♪

♪ To keep us away from home ♪

♪ Well the food here stinks
The counselors are geeks ♪

♪ We're stuck in this
hole For six long weeks ♪

♪ We are the braves
of Pahookahonee ♪

♪ Camp Phookahonee, Pahook you ♪

Hey!

I've got a bootleg tape.

I'm gonna die.

What a hood.

Hey, I want you to meet
some quasi-friends of mine.

This is, uh, Amy.

How're ya doin', kid?

I'm gonna die.

Yeah, soon, I hope.

This is, uh, Lilly.

Hi. How do you do?

Is it true that you
all take drugs?

Antihistamine.

Me too. I guess I'm hip.

I guess they've taken effect.

This is, uh, Isabelle.

What do ya say, Babe?

Oh, Mr. Midnight,
I think your music

is poetic and full of diverse

images that evoke
visions of the street.

And I like you in those
tight pants too, honey.

Yeah, we all do.

And this is Sonny.

Hi.

Oh, gosh.

Sonny, Sonny,
Sonny, Sonny, Sonny.

Don't do that.

It's okay.

Oh, I just want to say that
I think you've done more

for rock 'n roll
than Don Kirschner.

Oh! He's touching my hand.

I think it remains to be
seen, but why don't we...

It's good to see you. Let's sit
down and have some breakfast.

Can I get you a chair, Lilly?

Oh, no, I guess I'll
just have to sit with you.

Hey, look, Kip, uh,
it's a little crowded

in the booth here. I
got my limo outside.

Has anybody ever had room
service over at the Plaza?

Not for 45 years.

Well, why don't you and
your friends come on over.

We'll have breakfast there?

Well, now here's
a silly question.

Would anyone like to go?

Oh!

I guess it's a
date. Hey, let's go.

You know, girls, you might
not believe this, but I'm quite

musical myself. With the
palm of my hand and my armpit

I can play all the songs
on Joe Cocker's first album.

Can you believe that?

How about Iron Butterfly?

Does this sound like
"In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"?

What the hell's goin' on?

Had a good day?

Yeah, yeah, I had a great day.

Boy, that Joey is
something else, you know.

Sittin' on top of
the world like he is

and still a real regular Joe.

He gave me this. Does
this sound like "Proud Mary"?

Yeah, a little bit.

You know, Kip, uh,

I don't mean to sound like
I'm whinin', you know, but, uh,

you know, you
disappeared on me today.

I mean, we play
softball on Saturday.

We always have a
game on Saturday.

The Tigers beat our brains out.

We got beat by the Tigers?

Yeah.

Those women are tough.

I guess... Guess bein' unwed
mothers makes 'em kinda mean.

Hey, uh, I'm sorry, Henry,
uh, heh, I don't know.

I just couldn't pull ourselves
away from that scavenger hunt

at Mick Jagger's.

Well, he coulda come.
We had extra mitts.

Look what I got, though, huh?

Backstage passes to
Joey's show at the Garden.

Now we have better
seats than Robert Stigwood.

Do you realize that?

Yeah, well, who're
you goin' with?

I'm sure not me.

Henry, I'm
apologizing, all right?

These tickets are for you
and me, for Henry and Kip.

We are going
together, all right?

I'm sorry I missed
the baseball game.

It won't happen again.

I got carried away. We all did.

What's the matter with you?

I don't know. I'm sorry.
I'm actin' like a jerk.

I must sound like your wife.

Eh, it's all right, don't
worry about it, sweetheart.

Did we really get
beat by the Tigers?

Well, not badly.
What was the score?

Well, it was 25 to 2
when the game was called.

Their pitcher went into labor.

Thank you very much.

This is from our first album.

Let's do it. One. Two.
One. Two. Three. Four.

♪ Big wheels keep
on turning, Hey hey ♪

♪ Proud Mary keep on burning ♪

♪ And we're rollin', hey,
Rollin', hey, rollin'... ♪

Hi.

Hi, I'm Melissa. Yep,
you certainly are.

I just love Dark Highway.

They just make me want to
scream and perform an incredibly

complex and erotic
ballet all over their bods.

Are you with the band?

Ah, actually, heh
heh, no, no, I'm not.

Then get your hands
off me. Yeah, right, right.

Me with the band, you know.

Yes! I mean it.

Ho ho. Seventeen thousand people

out there screamin' for more.

Joey, you are the greatest!

You know, thanks, Kip. You
know, it really meant something

for me to have you
there tonight, man.

Hey, listen, everybody.

There's a party in my
room. Everybody's invited.

All right. Thank
you. What a guy.

Oh, man, you guys on
saxophone are great,

the way you're doin'
that dance back there,

swinging those things
all over the place.

Did you figure that
out or something?

I had this idea for a
story, you know, like, uh.

Is that a tie you're wearing?

Oh, it's a strap. I'm sorry.

What do I know about saxophones?

This, uh, this idea is like a
rock 'n roll Aesop's Fable.

Can you believe we got
backstage passes for this thing?

Do you know what it means
for guys like us to be down here,

I guess not.

I don't know anything about
saxophone. I played trumpet.

I'm gonna go get something
from the soda machine

so I'll be right back.

I don't play anymore.

Hi, I'm Melissa. Are
you with the band?

Say yes.

Uh, yes.

I tell ya, Kip.

I feel so alive after a show.

Yeah, yeah, I know
what you mean, heh.

I'm thinking things now
I've only dreamt of before.

Nice, huh?

Yeah, yeah, a little
lower, little lower.

You know, I once got a
hickey from three guys in Devo.

Oh, yeah?

I once got a cold
sore from Blondie.

Me too.

I was only kidding.

Okay, come on. Let's
get it. Wanna come?

Hi, excuse me.

Uh, hold it. You got
a backstage pass?

Yes, I do.

Well, let's see it.

Well, it's in there.

Well, you can't go in there.

Why not?

'Cause you ain't got
a backstage pass.

I just told you. It's in there.

Look, you wanna get in
there, you gotta have a pass.

Well, who's on first?

What?

No, what's on second.

Who's on first?

I don't know.

Third base! Third base!

Now you see how it feels.

No, I'm with Joey Midnight.

I mean, I got a pass just
in there if you could, uh...

All right, all right, I'll ask.

Thanks, I appreciate it
'cause I know the guys.

My friend's in here,
my best friend is in here

as a matter of fact.

Yeah, well, they're gone, man.

Looks like you
don't know anybody.

No. No, I guess,
uh, I guess I don't.

Hey, well... Yeah,
he's gone too.

Well, what do you know.

That's entertainment.

You look great in my stuff.

I never would have believed
it if you hadn't showed me.

Oh, I know. I know. I know.

And I do this
every stinking day.

And I thought my life was weird.

Yours takes the
cake. Indian Princess.

Ugha-ugha-ugha!

Hey, you can take
the earrings off now.

Oh, no I can't. This one's mine.

You told him?

No, I didn't tell him.

Joey dresses up
like this for fun.

Well, Kip, am I crazy or what?

Am I being over-sensitive
or did you ditch me again?

I mean, I came back and you guys
had disappeared. You were gone.

You knew where we were.

We were at the Plaza.

We left you a message, huh?

Hell, we left you a limo.

We were thinkin'
about you, come on.

Uh, if you were thinkin' about
me, you would have waited.

It would have just taken
a minute, you know.

You guys ready for work... Oh!

Joey Midnight!

Come on, Amy!

Amy, will you get up!

Look, Amy, Amy!

Are you gonna be calm?

Are you going to be calm?

Uh-huh, I'm gonna die!

You're right.

Joey, open the window.
I'm gonna throw her out.

Are you crazy,
she's not your sister.

Okay!

I will go.

For a shoe.

Joey, give her a shoe.

Wear it in good health.

I will.

Around my neck.

All right. Come on. That's it.

Just go out.

Joey, I am really sorry.

Hey, it's cool, man, it's cool.

Well?

Well, what?

Well, wasn't there
something you wanted to say?

Wasn't there
something on your mind.

Isn't there something
anywhere on your mind

that might vaguely
resemble an apology?

You might cut me a break here.

Hey, relax, man.

And don't tell me to relax, man.

If you two Indian Scouts
want to live life in the fast lane,

it's great, it's fine, but...

Kip, I mean, you know,
you and I have been friends

for 20 years. I would
thought that you might have

taken a second to consider
that I might want to be

included in your
plans, you know, or,

uh, at least phone so I
wouldn't have to worry that you'd

up with the band in
rock and roll heaven.

Oh, sorry, okay, I'm
sorry for being. concerned.

I just thought that that's what
friends are supposed to do.

That's what I thought anyway.

Wow, who does he think he is?

Your wife?

Hey, Joey, shut up, all right?

Henry, everything's
gonna be fine.

Well, here you are.

I've been looking
all over for you.

What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?

Don't you have lunch with
Aerosmith today or something?

Aren't you out folk
singing with Abba?

Whew! No tension here.

Well, I'm gonna run.

Oh, a friend of
mine said that I could

use her hot tub this morning.

Anyone want to join me?

What, a hot tub?

You mean like you and me
in a vat of warm water, maybe

drinking wine with hardly
any clothes on our bodies?

Kip, it will be fun. Come on.

Heh-heh. Heh. Heh.
Heh-heh. Heh. Heh-heh.

Come on.

Nah, I don't feel like it.

Well, I guess if you're
not coming then,

I guess I won't
have to wear my suit.

Oh, well, goodbye.

Neal, can I have
some ice water, please?

Oh, don't you have
someplace else to be?

I mean, don't you
have a racquetball date

with Ted Nugent?

No, I'm here talking
to you. Is that all right?

I don't see what you want to
talk about. Not much to say.

I mean, you weren't
even honest with me, Kip.

If you want to hang around
with another friend, that's fine,

you know, just
tell me. That's all.

Just tell me. Don't sneak away.

Just treat me
with a little respect.

Well, I don't know.
Ask the boys.

Oh, guys, you're not
working. Great. Guess what?

We got four dugout seats
for the baseball game.

It's Hollywood Star Day.

I want to see Raymond
Burr slide into third.

Hollywood Star Day. The
Yankees are playing Cleveland.

The tribe's in town.

Come on, let's go catch
the home team, huh?

It's a ball game.
It'll be great.

Heh heh. Get some
hot dogs some beer.

Nah, I don't feel like it.

Suit yourself.

Well, good. We can scalp these.

Yeah? How much
you think we'll get?

Oh, about $25 apiece.

Apiece? I'll stay home.

Uh,

you know, Henry, I, uh, I've
been kind of swept away here,

uh, lately. I don't know,

I guess I was awed by
Joey's lifestyle, you know,

and I guess I was flattered that
a guy like Joey would remember

me and still like
me and... I see.

I guess it didn't matter
that I always liked you a lot.

Henry, you have
a knife in my back

and now you're gonna turn it?

Don't.

Hey, Indian Brave.

The limo's out front
and Melissa's inside.

Private jet's at the airport.

Grab your cutoffs, we're
going to Bermuda for two days.

Uh, thanks, Joey,
but I can't make it.

Hey, come on, don't
be an idiot. Go ahead.

Yeah, come on. Listen
to Henry. Don't be an idiot.

Joey, I said I couldn't
make it. All right?

Look, there's just a
couple things in my life

that aren't straight
right now and, uh,

getting them taken care of is a

little more important
than two days in Bermuda.

Thanks anyway.

Okay, pal, whatever you say.

It's too bad. Melissa's
gonna be disappointed.

Just for you she cancelled
a date with Tower of Power.

Maybe she'll like Rastafarians.

Take it easy, kid.

Say hello to your
sister for me. Eh eh.

That's a good guy.

Yeah. Yeah, he is.

He's an old friend
of mine, just like you.

So, uh, Henry.

I've been a real jerk lately.

I really screwed up
and, uh, I'm sorry.

But come on, now
cut me some slack.

I... I thought that
friends were the people

you weren't supposed to
be afraid to screw up around

because you always
knew they were gonna

give ya another chance.

Are you asking me
for another chance?

Yeah, I'm asking you
for another chance.

Don't ask.

You don't have to.

Uh, but you know, please,
when you push me outside

of your life, it
hurts me because

I don't feel very much
like your friend and, uh,

that's valuable to me.

It's valuable to me too.

Henry, I would never want to
do anything that would make it

seem like you're not my friend.

You... You are my friend.
You're my best friend.

You're my best
friend in the world.

What's the matter with you?

So you're my best friend, right?

Yeah, yeah.

So you'll give me an
honest opinion, right?

Oh, you can count on it.

Am I getting good or what?

♪ I left a good job in the
city Workin' for the... ♪

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

No, this was "Bridge
Over Troubled Water"

"Proud Mary" sounds like this.

All right, yeah.

♪ Big wheels keep
on Turnin', hey ♪

♪ Proud Mary keeps on burning ♪

♪ Rollin', rollin',
rollin' On the river ♪

Hey, look, free drinks.

All right.

Oops, forgot my keys.

Well, on to the hot tub. Bye.

Uh, Henry, uh, ahem.

We're all settled
here, aren't we, uh...?

Tub it.

Meep-meep.