Bored to Death (2009–2011): Season 3, Episode 8 - Nothing I Can't Handle by Running Away - full transcript

You said on the phone that you had
some information about my father.

About both our missing fathers.

Will you marry me?

The kindest thing we can do
is let each other go.

We know you're Harrison Bergeron
but you are also Donald Stark

who once owned
the Hudson sperm bank.

Anything for my future
father-in-law.

I provided all
the spunk myself.

My son, it was so beautiful just
to look at you and your sister.

Did you just say that
rose is my sister?

Yes.



♪ All the shadows in the city ♪

♪ used to love you,
what a pity ♪

♪ I miss the questions
you used to ask me ♪

♪ bored to death,
cut, mad and lonely ♪

♪ bored to death, cut,
mad and lonely... ♪

♪ Bored to death ♪

♪ cut, mad and lonely. ♪

I can't believe
that you're my father.

You rip off insurance companies

and you sold fraudulent sperm.

- You're a con man.
- First of all, that sperm was top notch.

- Secondly, the preferred term is "grifter."
- It doesn't matter.

Either way, you're on the other
side of the law from me.

Listen, shamus, good guys
always need bad guys



just like sons always
need fathers.

- Bullshit.
- You're living in a soft dream, kid.

It's the way the world
works-- Cops and robbers,

cowboys and Indians,
white people and coloreds.

Oh my God, are you even
Jewish or a member of mensa?

I'm black Irish
and a member of AAA.

Look, maybe it was
a mistake to call you,

but you and your sister
came after me, remember?

- I thought this is what you wanted.
- About my sister,

are you sure you were the only one who
provided sperm to the sperm bank?

- You didn't have any friends help out?
- No, it was a solo operation.

It almost killed me.
I have a strong libido, but not that strong.

- I went through cases of vitamin e.
- I have to go.

What--
Uh, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, kid.
Wait.

I'm sorry, I know
I'm a disappointment to you,

but for what it's worth,
you seem like the kind of son

a father could be proud of.

I mean-- You're a little
on the short side,

but other than that,
you have a lot going for you.

Kids, hmph.

Oh, Ray.

What is going on?
It's almost midnight.

- Is Spencer home?
- Yeah, he's 14 months old.

- Of course he's home. Just come-- Okay.
- Spencer!

Come on in.

It's not good for a parent to put
a lot of pressure on their kid,

but you're all
I've got, you know?

You'll never
let me down, right?

No matter what,

you'll still love me, right?

I can't believe
you used to wood glue.

Well, when I get home,
I'm going to yank out

each hair as penance
for your--

For your broken nose. Like a hair-shirt,

but on my face.
As a matter of fact...

- Ow, God!
- Oh oh.

- Oh oh, that hurt.
- Oh, dad,

dad, stop it. I forgive you.

- I love your song.
- Ohh, thank you.

- And Bernard forgives you.
- Yes, I do.

- Huh.
- And I can't wait till Friday.

Good.
What-- What's Friday?

City hall, we're eloping,
just the two of us.

- Oh.
- George, learn from your mistakes.

- No judging.
- No, sorry.

Sorry. It's just--

Well, a father hopes
he can see his daughter off, that's all.

Well, but you weren't
at my first wedding.

Your first wedding?

Don't feel left out, George.
My parents aren't coming.

Of course
they're both dead--

But they would have understood.

Right.
Well,

hey, how about I throw you a
beautiful wedding at George on Jane?

Food and music, no alcohol.

- I would love that.
- Oh, good.

Ooooh.

So...

When were you married before?

It was during my SNM phase.

It wasn't legal.
Just a blood ritual,

so I didn't tell you about it.

Oh good, good, good.

Was there a lot of blood?

Enough.

I can't be
you committed incest.

It's worse than my elder love.

- Did you wear a condom?
- Yes! Yes.

Good, because
you inbreeding is scary

and weird enough
as it is already.

Should I tell rose? She's the first
girl I've liked in a long time

and I know what diseases we're genetically
prone to-- Cancer and colitis.

Look, you have to break up
with her immediately.

And...

I need all your attention now that
Leah doesn't want to marry me.

- I'm so sorry about this, Ray.
- It's okay.

At least I have Spencer.
He'll meet all my emotional needs.

A bond between
a father and son is--

- Is enough for me.
- Hey, don't rub it in.

Because of Bergeron I slept with my sister.
I hate my biological father.

Don't say that.
What if Spencer said that about me?

You gotta give this creep
a second chance.

But he's a crook
and I'm a lawman.

I don't care.
You have to go talk to this guy.

Because if you don't, it could haunt
you for the rest of your life.

Can you come with me
to Coney Island to see him?

I can't. It's the year
anniversary of Super Ray

and I've got a signing
at bergen street comics.

Oh, hold on.

Uh, hi.

What's going on?
What did you learn about the sperm bank?

Uh, nothing.
It was a red herring.

- Another dead end.
- Oh.

- Damn.
- Hey, I'm with a really tormented friend,

who's having a lot of problems,

- can I call you back?
- Oh, okay.

Bye.

- Who was that?
- My beautiful sister.

I knew it.
God!

Look, if you can't break it off
with her, at least wear condoms.

- This is Brooklyn after all.
- Yeah.

Josephine, I am so sorry
I ran out on you last night.

But it is my MO,

even when I'm not stoned
and playing Don Quixote.

It's a lousy MO.
I don't like it.

I tried to tell you this.

My relationships
are like crimes.

I get in, I steal something

- and I leave.
- What do you steal?

Love.
I don't mean to.

It's what I do.

- I think I'm finally hearing you.
- No, no, but wait.

I'm saying this to you
because I want to transform.

Josephine, I'm a 63-year-old
work in progress.

But I am falling for you.

George.

You know, I think we should
take this to the next level.

I think we should
be monogamous.

I thought we were.

Of course we are.

You are such a card.

Well, the prodigal son has returned.
I always wanted to say that. It's classic.

- Are you leaving?
- Yeah, I'm headed for Jacksonville.

They've got a lot of syphilitic
halfwits down there.

It's an easy place to score.

- Why are you going? Is it because of me?
- No, no.

I-- I'm on the lam.

I got in bad
with some groundskeepers.

- Gambling problem.
- So it's serious with this groundskeepers?

Nothing I can't handle
by running away.

But no, I--
I came here to forgive you.

- I want to know my father.
- Damn.

Look, I'm kind of a rush,

but I got time maybe
for one question.

What do you want to know?

Uh...

Do you have any hobbies?

Shit! That's the worst
question possible.

- I don't know.
- No, no, no, it's good.

I saw on your card that you're a writer.
I scribble.

- You probably got that from me.
- Really? You like to write?

Yes, I used to pen a lot of the
letters for "Penthouse" forum.

It was a great side gig
with the insurance fraud,

but then the Internet came and it
destroyed literary pornography.

- God damn it.
- My other dad had those hidden in his closet.

- I must have read your work.
- A lot of people have.

- Wow.
- Listen, I want you to have something

to remember me by.

Uh...

No, no, no, it's a gift.

- I don't want to cross state lines with it.
- Oh.

Thank you, but does this firearm
have the correct paperwork?

Jesus, I thought you were a private
dick, not a Canadian mountie.

You're right.
I'm sorry. Thank you.

- Yeah.
- Business is closed.

Beat it, kid.

- What if I don't want to beat it?
- It's okay, guys.

It's okay. He was just looking
for a Montreal expos cap.

I guess you're
out of luck, mountie.

Why you packing up, old man?
Skipping out on us?

Of course not. I'm just taking some
clothes over to the salvation army.

Bullshit!

Come on, let's go.
Jerry wants to talk to you.

Come on.

I don't like games.

So you were trying
to give me the slip?

I knew you were a liar, but I
didn't think you were stupid.

- I'm a complex person.
- So where's my complex 10 grand?

Listen, I got a good tip
about this new pitcher.

You raise the mound a few inches and
we put our money on a shadow!

Our money?
I want my money!

I'm gonna have
to erase you, Harry.

Pop him here?

Sure, we gotta dig up
centerfield away.

You, drop the gun,
you two, hands up.

And don't test me. I've been going
to the gun range once a week.

- It's that little kid from the hat store.
- Little?

- I should have told you it does that.
- Get him!

- You gave me a broken gun?!
- Well, it works if you don't wing it around.

- Who is this punk?
- He's my son Johnny.

Hey, you can never say your old man
didn't bring you to a ball park.

- Aw shit. Now we gotta bury two bodies.
- What?

Jerry, that's not necessary.

You'll get your money.
Just don't touch the kid.

Suddenly you're flush?

Okay, Phillie,
you go with asshole

and get the cash
and we'll keep the kid.

Where I'm going,
I have to go alone.

It's an old friend in the syndicate
and if I show up with a hard boy,

I won't get in the front door.
So that's the deal.

You keep Johnny.
He's your insurance.

Okay. If you're not
back in 90 minutes,

he's going to be pling
center field-- Permanently.

But I'm a lousy baseball player.
It's not my best sport.

Shut up! I'm ready to
kill this kid right now.

- You going to get my money?
- Yeah, you'll get it.

Don't worry, son.

Dad?

This is the bulk of the work
I produced in the past year.

Sorry there's not more,

but I've had a rough time.

Any questions?
Yes?

What are Exacto Man and the Emasculator
doing to Super Ray in at drawing?

Oh, they're attacking
his spine.

I had back spasms and I
healed them with my own mind.

Yes, in the back.

Can you cure my sore throat
with your mind?

I don't do
other people's bodies.

Next?
Yes.

Why aren't there any drawings of
the girl that Super Ray loves?

I worship her.
She's my screen-saver.

She left Super Ray.

And even though his heart is
encased in adamantium fat,

like Wolverine,

he was destroyed.

Is your work autobiographical?

Did a girl leave you?

- Yes and yes.
- I'm sorry.

But we all love you.

Really?

Thank you.

I guess that's it
for the questions.

I'll just take
some more compliments now.

♪ La la la ♪

♪ la. ♪
You're running out of time

where's the old man?
I hope he loves you.

He does.
He'll be back soon.

Maybe we should give him a call,
let him hear you scream a little.

Or we could call him and I'll use
my normal non-screaming voice.

That was just one thought.

Let's keep brainstorming.
There are no bad ideas.

- Call.
- But just to be clear,

- we're going with your screaming concept?
- Call!

Hi, dad. It's Jonathan.

Um, mm-hmm, no.

Of course I'm still
at Wonders Stadium.

Just seeing how
things coming alone--

Ahh! Ah!

I thought we were going
with normal speaking voice!

If you don't get back here soon,
these guys are definitely

going to kill me, like they say.
So hurry up.

What?
Oh my God.

- I'll be there.
- Okay, I have to go. Bye. I love you.

Sal, I need help.

Yes, that's a good idea, but
let's put it in a to-go cup.

There you go.

- Look, grandma.
- Oh, yeah, it's lovely, yeah.

Uh, excuse me.
Hold on.

This one is...

- For you.
- Oh.

Why don't you call me sometime?

Oh.

Oh. You're really very forward.

Oh, you make it easy.

Oh.

- How are you doing?
- Hi.

Um, were you always a God?

Yes-- Oh God, now what?

George, this better be good.

I'm being told
how great I am by my fans.

Sorry, but Jonathan is
at Brooklyn Wonders Stadium

and he's in trouble. He needs us.
Can you meet me there?

Oh shit, again?
All right, I'll be there.

- Super Ray is needed.
- I always knew your powers were real.

I have to get to Wonders Stadium
to save a disturbed friend.

Do you know the best subway?

Do you need a car?
We could take the Ray Mobile.

There's a Ray Mobile?

Oh, Ray, thank God.

- Who are these people?
- The League of Rays.

Or the Ray-Vengers.

- The name's still under discussion.
- The Rays of Hope.

- Please stop saying that.
- The Ray-Team.

- We'll discuss it at the meeting!
- Hey, guys, I'm stuck.

- Oh come on.
- Well,

good thinking, you know?
We need all the reinforcements we can get.

I brought Sal, but he kinda pooped out.
The car makes him sleepy.

Has your dad always
been such a chiseler?

For as long as I've known him.
Do you have a son?

No, three daughters.

- All of them tarts.
- That's right.

Shut the fuck up!

Whoa!

- He said he was in the stadium.
- He could be anywhere.

You think we're gonna get into trouble
for breaking into this place?

- Do not be negative on a super mission.
- It's okay, man.

That's right.
In a ridiculous situation,

it's important
to think positively.

All right, I have a plan.

Now we need to flush them out.

Are the League of Rays
ready to be heroes?

Hell yeah.

Cocked and loaded.

Okay.

Five more minutes, kid.

- Then we shoot you in the head.
- Do you have to be so explicit?

Let Jonathan Ames go.

Who the fuck is that?

Come on.

I don't like this.

- What the hell?
- Who the fuck are these guys?

They're Super Rays.

Villains, release Jonathan Ames

or you will feel the wrath

of Super Ray and his minions.

- Who's in the booth?
- M-maybe minions isn't the right word.

Uh, followers or sycophants?

Uh, super-- Super fans!

Maybe "minions" was
the best, actually.

Screw this.
Charge!

They have guns!
They have guns!

- Run, Rays, run!
- Ray down!

Okay, come on, come on!

Help me!

Good one!
Good one, yes!

I'm coming, Ray!

Oh no.
Oh my God.

- Take over!
- Get down.

Serpentine, Jonathan,
serpentine!

Stop shooting--
You'll hurt him.

Stop shooting.

Get the little bastard.

Slide like Jackie Robinson.

- Fuck.
- Yes!

Oh God!
Oh God, oh!

Oh.

Non, no, no, no, no!

Make a move
and it'll be your last.

We did it.
We did it!

- Bye!
- Bye!

See you guys next week
at the meeting.

I love your new friends.

- Yeah, they're good people.
- Thank you guys for saving my life--

- Again.
- Of course, Jonathan.

I'm just sorry
your father abandoned you.

It's all right.
I knew you guys would come for me.

Shit, is Sal dead?

He shouldn't be.
I left a window open.

Sal, wake up.
Come on, wake up.

Daddy, I thought you said there
wasn't going to be any alcohol.

Oh no, I meant
no alcohol for you.

- Oh God--
- Oh no, sweetheart,

I can't give a father's wedding
toast without champagne.

And look, look,
I've got marinellis

for you and, um, uh, Bernard.

- Right, and wasn't that thoughtful?
- Okay, fine.

- Go sit, go on.
- Okay.

Uh, excuse me, everybody.

I'd like to say a few words.

What I have learned
in my 63 years

is that we all walk this

rarzor's ed of feeling
like our lives are

both meaningful

and meaningless.

This can lead to depression,

confusion

and melancholy.

Oh no. He's making this about himself.

And all the goers tell
us that we,

we should live in the now,

but I always feel like I'm one
second behind my own life,

never fully present-- Hmm?

So I say to you, Emily...

Let yourself be loved,

which is one of the hardest
things to learn in life.

But you are so worthy
of being cherished,

and I love you
with all my being.

To Emily and Bernard!

- Yes!
- Congratulations.

♪ See the pyramids ♪

♪ along the Nile ♪

♪ watch a sunrise ♪

♪ on a tropic isle ♪

♪ just remember, darling ♪

♪ all the while ♪

♪ you belong to me... ♪

Did you tell her yet?

Well, we all have our thing.

Rose?

Hmm?

There's something, um...

What?

Never mind.

♪ See the jungle ♪

♪ when it's wet with rain ♪

♪ just remember
till you're home again ♪

♪ you belong to me ♪

♪ yes, you belong ♪

♪ to me. ♪

♪ dance with me,
my old friend ♪

♪ once before we go ♪

♪ let's pretend
this song won't end ♪

♪ and we never
have to go home ♪

♪ and we'll dance
among the chandeliers ♪

♪ and nothing matters
when we're dancing ♪

♪ in tattered tatters
you're entrancing ♪

♪ be we in Paris
or in Lansing ♪

♪ nothing matters
when we're dancing ♪

♪ nothing matters when
we're dancing ♪

♪ nothing matters
when we're dancing. ♪