Bored to Death (2009–2011): Season 3, Episode 7 - Forget the Herring - full transcript

We committed adultery!
Forgive me!

You can stay with me
as long as you need.

I've signed up for a
musical review,

they assigned me to dream
the impossible dream.

I come from a sperm donor.
I'm trying to find my father.

Emily was attacked by
a homosexual tiger.

I was rebuilding our
relationship and

now I'm not a father any more!

I'm a trigger!

- Jonathan Ames?
- Yes?

I have information about
your biological father.



♪ All the shadows in the city ♪

♪ used to love you,
what a pity ♪

♪ I miss the questions
you used to ask me ♪

♪ bored to death,
cut, mad and lonely ♪

♪ bored to death, cut,
mad and lonely... ♪

♪ Bored to death ♪

♪ cut, mad and lonely. ♪

Do all detectives keep
white wine in their desks?

No, most detectives
in literature have whiskey,

but I tend to black out and
throw up on the brown stuff.

I used to be weak that way.

Every time I would drink scotch,
I would lose my panties.

It was always annoying
the next morning.

So you said on the phone
that you had



some information
about my father.

About both our missing fathers.

I also began life
at the Hudson sperm bank.

Well, it's wonderful
to meet a fellow donation.

- You know the place burned down right?
- I know.

And the owner Donald Stark
has gone off the grid.

You know the owner's name?

Well, without Stark
there are no records,

so we've hit the same dead end.

That's not true.

- I found Fishman.
- Fishman?

Fishman, who witnessed
the devastating fire.

Fishman-- His face
blackened by smoke.

Fishman--
His hair singed.

The same man was at each fire?

Oh my God.
Fishman must be a--

A professional firebug.
He is.

Stark hired him
to burn the bank.

Fishman is our link
to the records.

- And you need me to find him.
- I already have.

Aw, come on!

He's in Rikers.
He's doing eight to 10.

I'm seeing him
tomorrow morning.

You've practically
solved the case.

- Why do you want to hire me?
- I don't.

I felt sorry for you when I
saw you on the Cavett Show.

You looked so lost
and disturbed.

Is it because I went
crotch closed

- instead of crotch open?
- Yes.

I knew I should have
gone crotch open.

My friend George told me
I should do crotch closed.

His fault.

Hey, leah, don't know why
you're not calling me back.

I'm not sure if it's because
I cheated on you

or because you lost
my phone number.

But listen,
if it's the cheating,

call me back, ok?
This is Ray.

Hey, Emily.
Dad again-- Your father.

Um, call me back
sometime, sweetie.

No luck.

Me neither.

I wish leah would go ahead
and forgive me already.

I don't know
what's taking so long.

You're just gonna have
to suffer for a while, Ray.

That's all there is to it.
It's your penance.

Well, the weird thing is I kind of
don't want the pain to be over.

That's because when the
pain ends, the love ends.

Come to bed, Ray.
Come on.

So is that neck sling
helping at all?

Well, I feel taller,
but my back still hurts.

Well, I've got
something for you then.

Oh, like a present?

Well...

Oh, it's a book.

Great.

"Healing back pain,
the mind-body connection."

Dr. John E. Sarno.

I hear that it works wonders.

And here's another
gift for you.

- What's this?
- Well, this is for your nose, Ray.

Your snoring is starting
to unravel me.

The revue is tomorrow night
and I need my rest.

Yeah, I think
this thing's working.

Sometimes you just irritate
the hell out of me.

Hey, George, will you get me
a glass of juice, please?

Half guava, half apple
with a splash of orange

and a little hint of grapefruit

d a segment of lime, quickly.

We want Donald Stark.
Where is he?

I've already told you

I had nothing to do
with that sperm shop.

I was out looking for my cat.

I smelled smoke--
Piqued my interest.

Liar!

You seem like a dog person.

- No.
- Really?

Were you out looking for
your cat on this night?

How about this night?

Did you find your pussy
on this night?

- Okay.
- What about that night?

Yeah, seems like
a lot of nights.

Great. Caught me
in a little lie, did ya?

But I'm a pro, honey.

You think I got where I am
by being a snitch?

- Rikers? Ha.
- Okay, don't rub it in, girlie.

I will rub it in.
I need to find my father.

Please, help me.

Yeah, help us.

You know, I grew up
in an orphanage.

It's where I first
started lighting fires--

For the attention.

Who knew it would blossom
into a career, right?

Well, then you know what it's
like to want to find your family.

Yeah, I do.

- Used to be Stark, want used to be a number
- Of other names too,

but he burns a business
about once every year.

- Where can we find him?
- He runs a cap store out on Coney Island--

Susquehanna Hats
on Bagel Street.

- Mr. Fishman, I could kick you.
- Really?

Then what's
stopping you, honey?

I got three more years
in this shitbox.

Come on, give it to me.

Whoa whoa whoa! Fishman!

That's enough, buddy!

Oh! Oh, man!
I was so close to that.

I almost had it in there.

Are you all right?

Thank you.

Hey, George?

George, I'm healed!
Praise Sarno!

George, George.

George, wake up.
There's been a miracle.

What's-- What's going--?

It's bare--
It's barely 10:00.

Was there a financial crisis?

My back pain
is completely gone.

- Your book healed my back.
- You read the whole thing?

No, I read the whole back cover

and then I slept on it,
and the combination worked.

Well, that's wonderful.

I mean, the book
must have seeped into you.

Sarno said I invented
my back spasms

so I wouldn't feel
anything else.

You got that
from the back cover?

Yeah.
Isn't that amazing?

I'm in charge.

I'm in charge!

Ray Hueston is
in charge of his body.

- Ray Hueston is in charge--
- Ooh ooh! Are you okay?

I'm good.
I'm still in charge.

I'll take the lead with Bergeron
since you were in charge

of the Fishman
interrogation, okay?

Okay. Are you sure
you're up for it?

I am a detective, you know?
Ooh, I love Ferris wheels.

Me too.

- W-we need to stay on task.
- Right.

There's our meat.

- Are you Harry Bergeron?
- Depends who's asking.

- We are.
- Who's we?

- Depends who's asking.
- I am.

- Who's I?
- Depends who's asking.

- I'm ask--
- Ah. Okay, we know you're Harrison Bergeron,

but are you also Donald Stark

who once owned the Hudson sperm
bank in Fair Lawn, New Jersey?

Inside.

Wipe your feet.

Are you the cops?

You look le graduate students.

No, but I am getting my PhD

in library science
from Columbia.

But I am an unlicensed
private detective.

So you're a shamus.
How'd you find me?

As arsonist named Fishman
led us here.

- We saw him at Rikers.
- Oh yeah?

I always liked Fishman.

It convenient when you're a
smoker to he him around.

He's always quick with a match.

Nice Jewish boy.

But let's get to the point.

What do you want with me?

Are you with
the insurance companies?

No, we're not interested
in your smoky trail of arson.

We just want to know about
the sperm bank because...

Well, we come from it.

Oh.

Well, it's been a long time

since I was
in the sperm business.

After that it was laundromats,
then liquor stores.

I always try to provide
what's essential.

But did you keep
any of the records?

All I know about
my dad is that,

well, he was Greek and he had
a beautiful singing voice.

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart.

When the building burned dow
everything was lost.

Oh no.

You hadn't engaged
in fraud, this girl might have be

to find her father with the
beautiful singing voice.

I hope you realize
what you've robbed her of.

I understand, kid.

When I was your age,
I was the same way--

All chip and no shoulders.

I've got shoulders,
two of them.

You remember anything,
let's get out of here.

Look, I'm-- I'm sorry
I couldn't be of more help.

Would you-- Would you like
some wonder hats?

Huh?
Half-price.

- I like the pink one--
- No.

We don't want any hats.
And I didn't wipe my feet.

I can't give these things away.

Hey, sweetie. Dad again.

Just wondering whether you got

all seven invitations
to my performance tonight.

Bring Bernard.
Call me back.

Or don't.
Just show up-- 8:00 pm.

I love-- Ugh.

- Cut off again?
- Yes.

Even her voicemail
seems to know it's me.

This will cheer you up.

- Take a look at this.
- Oh.

This is before Sarno
and this is after Sarno.

- Oh God, this is wonderful.
- Yeah.

- A little bulge there and everything.
- Yep.

Now who's the misshapen dwarf
on super Ray's shoulder?

That's not a dwarf.
That's my son.

- That's Ser Spencer.
- Oh yeah. No, of course. No, I see that.

I'll tell you
something though--

That Sarno seems to have had
a powerful effect on you.

Yeah, not that I know
that my back spasms

were caused
by repressed emotions,

I find I can really draw again.

So what feeling
were you not feeling?

Oh shit, I forgot
that part of it.

Oh, hey hey, look, don't
question it, you know.

You've had a breakthrough.
That's enough for one day.

I tell you I haven't had
a breakthrough in years.

Oh, Ray-- Ray, I am so very proud of you.

George, what are you doing?

I'm a real artist. Dot do that.
I'm not a child.

But I tuck you in every night.

I bring you food
from the restaurant.

- I thought you liked being infantilized.
- Yeah, a-at my bedtime.

And at my mealtime.

Okay, all right.
Mr. grumpy.

Stop.

Sorry I got angry
back there at Bergeron's.

It's just that I s so angry

which is why
I got so... angry.

I'm angry too.

Now we'll never know what
diseases we're prone to.

Yeah. I mean
that pisses me off.

- I would have liked to have known those diseases.
- Me too.

On my mother's side I have balding,
but that's not an illness.

I just really wanted
to find my dad.

I feel like there's
a-- A book missing fro.

- Hmm.
- Hey,

I know what will make us feel
better about those diseases.

You know, my parents' first
date was to Coney island.

That's romantic.

- It's a shame your dad was sterile.
- Yeah.

I always thought
I came from Brooklyn, romantic.

But I guess that's not true

I'm half Brooklyn,
half mystery.

And you're half sexy
in your own y.

You do have really big eyes.

You know, a therapist
recently told me that.

That was an opening
for you to kiss me

I-- I didn't really want
to hear about therapy, but...

I am the knight
of the mournful countenance.

Giddy-up, Rocinante!

Whoa, easy, boy.

Ah, my beautiful don quixote.

Josephine, thank god you came early.

I need a warm-up.

Not a problem.
I'm not wearing any panties.

What? Really?

No no, I-- I meant, you know,
maybe scales or something.

I mean I'm happy that we made
love every lesson, but...

I'm a little nervous now
about actually singing.

- It is too late for that now.
- What?

This is the only lesson
you'll need.

Now don't you feel
ready to sing?

We, not exactly.

Ah! Whoo!

Whoo.

- Sorry I'm a screamer.
- That was amazing.

I felt the room
and the bed move.

I know I was
pretty good just now,

better than usual actually,

but the room a bed did move.

The clock outside my window has
a nervous twitch once an hour.

Oh. Oh right.

Would you ever
consider solving cases

on a more professional level?

I've always been
a lone operator, but--

I'll-- I'll give it
some thought.

I could use a sidekick.

Okay.

And would you like to come

to my friend's recital
with me tonight?

It could be
our first official date.

Oh, I can't.

I have a night class
in parchment restoration.

But do you think
the clock could twitch

one more time before we leave?

No, it only does that
once an hour.

How did you solve any cases
before you met me?

Oh.

"Emily, are you coming tonight?
" Question mark.

Oh hey, guys.
You're so sweet to come.

- Don quixote texting again?
- Yeah yeah.

For a message from Emily
that's never gonna come.

You know, George, you do look
a lot like Samuel Beckett.

I know.
I've heard that before.

It's depressing to look like
the most depressed writer ever.

- Can I have one of these?
- Oh yeah, please.

You know, Josephine
brought those to me.

They're pot cookies
for after the show.

- You want one?
- No, I'm on a natural high.

I just had transcendent sex
with a girl named Rose.

She's smart, pretty
and a great detective.

- Wow.
- You only get stoned when you're unhappy?

- That's not healthy.
- You're right.

Oh my God.
That is so good.

These chocolate chips
are very melty.

Oh, I want melty chocolate.

That's our cue.
Let's go.

Oh oh, fellas,

if Emily does show up,
put her stage left

so she can see
my better cheekbone.

I want her to be impressed
by her father tonight.

George, you're not Streisand.

Well, tonight I am.

You guys a the best.

Whoa.

Ooh ooh ooh ooh, look.

There's George's
really hot singing teacher.

- She hugged me once.
- Oh, she is hot.

- Hell Josephine.
- Hello.

This is George's only
other friend Jonathan.

- Hello.
- Hello. Nice to meet you.

Oh, you're the one who broke
his daughter's nose.

It wasn't me;
It was a plushy.

Hmm.

Oh, excuse me.

- Hello?
- It's Bergeron-Harry.

What do you want, hat man?

I have some information
after all

from the sperm bank days.

- Okay, spill it.
- Mm, not over the phone.

Meet me at the Brooklyn
aquarium in one hour.

Why not at Susquehanna?

The store isn't safe right now.

Just meet me at the aquarium.

They have evening hours tonight-- Half price.
It's a good deal.

Oh, these pot cookies you made

are really starting to kick in.

Like, I have
the tactile munchies.

You gotta feel my beard.
It feels so good.

Feel it.

- It does feel good.
- Yeah.

I have to go.

Told you to use
the restroom 10 minutes ago.

Taxi, taxi!
Taxi, taxi!

Coney island!
On the double.

♪ And we all say,
oh, well I never! ♪

♪ was there ever
a cat so clever ♪

♪ as magical
Mr. Mistoffelees? ♪

Everyone!
♪ oh, well I never!♪

♪ was there ever
a cat so clever ♪

♪ as magical
Mr. Mistoffelees? ♪

Yeah, let's give it up
for Mark Foster-Yang--

Class of 2002,

singing from "Cats,"
but a bulldog at heart.

And now, please welcome
our next performer,

George Christopher,
class of '69.

♪ To dream
the impossible dream ♪

♪ to fight the unbeatable foe ♪

♪ to bear
with unbearable sorrow ♪

♪ to run where the brave
dare not go ♪

♪ to right
the unrightable wrong... ♪

♪ To right
the unrightable wrong... ♪

Oh, Emily.

I am so sorry,
but I must Sally forth.

George?

I have a quest.

♪ To right
the unrightable wrong... ♪

♪ To do the undoable thing ♪

♪ the thing... ♪

Take flight, legs!

Rose, I know you're in your
parchment restoration class,

but there may be a break in the case.
Call me.

- Emily.
- Dad, did you grow a beard?

Ray?
What's going on?

♪ To dream
the impossible dream ♪

♪ to fight the unbeatable foe ♪

♪ to bear with
unbearable sorrow... ♪

And basically I have been
repressing emotions.

That's why I had back spasms

and also a love affair
with an older sexy woman.

What?

I was choking down
my love for you

because I was terrified.

But I'm not--
I'm not scared anymore.

Leah, I don't have a ring

because I just thought
to do this.

Here it comes.
Will you marry me?

Oh, Ray.

♪ This is my quest,
to follow that star... ♪

Shut up!

Okay, how many more
verses are there?

Emily, I'm trying to right
an unrightable wrong

and asking you with all
my heart to forgive me.

I should never have
questioned your love.

I support you
in everything you do.

Will you just shut the fuck up?

You shut the fuck up!
I am I, don quixote!

Okay, I'm gonna let you in

before someone
calls the police.

- Okay.
- Okay.

George, George,
wonderful singing.

You got great pipes.

Bernard, my favorite
son-in-law, I've missed you!

- Come on.
- I'll be right there.

Ray, I love you, I do.

And I know that you love me,

but we don't make
each other happy.

Well, that's gonna change.
I healed my back with my mind.

- I can heal us.
- Ray, please.

I know there's more good
than bad in our relationship,

but what's bad has become
unbearable for me.

Don't say that.

I just think that
the kindest thing

we can do for each other
is let each other go.

I'm gonna miss you.

Psst. Hey, Mr. shamus,
over here.

Why are you whispering?

All these fish make me nervous.

I can't swim.

I like herring in cream sauce.
That's about it.

Forget the herring.
Why'd you want to see me?

Are you familiar with St. Francis?

Yes, sometimes he's an answer
in "the times" crossword.

But do you know his prayer?

"Better to forgive
than be forgiven."

Better to understand
than be understood.

"Better to love
than be loved."

- Yes, I know it.
- Good. Keep it in mind.

There were no records
at the sperm bank

- because I didn't keep any.
- Why?

Because I provided
all the spunk myself.

It was a way to save money.

I didn't have to pay
for donors or stroke books

or tissues--
No overhead.

- W-what?
- I also have good genes.

I mean, there's a lot
of throat cancer

and colitis in my family,
but that's about it.

So my conscience was clear...

Until I met you, my son.

Oh my God.

It was so beautiful
to meet you both today.

Just to look at you--
You and your sister.

I just ate a marijuana
cookie a little while ago

and my hearing may be off.

Did you just say
thar Rose is my sister?

Yes, and she's gorgeous.

She looks just like my mother.

♪ On the ferris wheel ♪

♪ looking out on Coney Island ♪

♪ under more stars than ♪

♪ there are prostitutes
in Thailand ♪

♪ our hair in the air ♪

♪ our lips blue
from cotton candy ♪

♪ when we kiss it feels ♪

♪ like a flying saucer
landing ♪

♪ and I can't sleep ♪

♪ 'cause you've got
strange powers ♪

♪ you're in my dreams ♪

♪ ooh ooh ♪

♪ strange powers ♪

♪ the sun pours down
like honey ♪

♪ the stars fall down
like money ♪

♪ you come down to me ♪

♪ and I can't sleep ♪

♪ 'cause you got
strange powers ♪

♪ you're in my dreams... ♪