Bored to Death (2009–2011): Season 3, Episode 1 - The Blonde in the Woods - full transcript

My second novel
was just rejected.

The board in Dallas wants
to cut your column.

I quit. The magazine doesn't need
me any more and I don't need it.

You may have been sold illegally obtained sperm.

You're telling me that I'm
pregnant with this guy's baby!?

- You're pregnant?
- You're pregnant?

Well, it's very early.
We're not really telling anyone.

- I have a daughter.
- You guys close?

We love each other but
we don't really know each other.

Hey, should I send
her a text message?

I want you to bring $20,000!



- Why did your friend park on the lawn?
- Mom, he's not my friend!

Got the money?

My stalker sent me
12 e-mails last night.

This was left downstairs.

It's an X-Acto knife!

I love you, Ray.

I can do anything I want.
I can open a restaurant,

I can start an Internet magazine,
we're both our own bosses now.

♪ All the shadows in the city ♪

♪ used to love you,
what a pity ♪

♪ I miss the questions
you used to ask me ♪

♪ bored to death,
cut, mad and lonely ♪

♪ bored to death, cut,
mad and lonely... ♪

♪ Bored to death ♪



♪ cut, mad and lonely. ♪

Thank you all
for coming tonight.

I thought that these knives
would be a sort of

metaphorical ribbon cutting
for my new book

"the blonde in the woods."

Oh, it's metaphorical.

I thought he was just being
self-destructive.

- Is it over?
- It's all over, sweetie.

I'll be signing books,
iPads and kindles.

Ah!

- Who should I sign it to?
- Just sign it, kid.

Thank you very much.

Weak grip.
Good to know.

What?

Mom, dad, you guys don't have to wait in line.
I'll sign your books after.

But I'm your biggest fan.

I'm his biggest fan.

He was a 10-month baby.
He didn't want to leave.

I love your organic
restaurant, George.

Thank you, Ray.
And now let's toast to Jonathan

and his wonderful new book.

I'm not the only one who has
a reason to celebrate.

- Ray.
- Oh, you got a job?

No, nothing terrible like that.

Remember the lesbian couple
in Ditmas Park

that got pregnant
from my stolen sperm?

Yes, that was and still is
very memorable.

Well, they're getting a divorce and
I get to see my son one day a week.

I meet him tomorrow.

The nice mom decided that he
needed a male role model.

Oh, that's fantastic.

But I don't understand.
Your sperm was stolen?

Did they take it from you
while you were sleeping?

No, I put it in a cup.

And they stole the cup?

I love the view, Jonathan.

But how can you
afford this place?

Well, because of the clock,
everything trembles once an hour.

It's why the rent is so cheap.

It's like living in California
but in Brooklyn.

Ray probably kept his sperm
in a fridge, don't you think?

Yeah, I remember something about
having to keep it chilled.

So what do you make of this
whole situation with Ray?

- I think it's great.
- So you're not against sperm donation?

Not at all.
I think it's a nice use of sperm.

Ira, I don't think--

Florence, I've been waiting
30 years for a good opening.

What are you guys
talking about?

Jonathan, I'm sterile.

But there was never the
right moment to tell you.

I never wanted you to think
I wasn't your father.

I was too proud.
But hearing Ray's story--

I don't understand.

To conceive you

we went to a sperm bank.

I come from a sperm bank?

Yes, it was in Fair Lawn

near the Kosher Nosh
restaurant.

You know, the place with
the wonderful kugel.

Florence, that's not relevant.

I can't believe this.

Who's my father?

All we know is
that he was Jewish

and very bright,
which is what we requested.

He was a member of Menscha.

Menscha?

He was a member of Mensa.

And so I come from a sperm bank
in Fair Lawn, New Jersey.

At least the guy
was a member of Mensa.

I always said
you were very bright.

You know, the whole thing
was pretty emotional.

I had to reassure my dad
that I'll always love him

and I'll always think
of him as my father.

Oh, good boy.
I'm so proud of you.

If my daughter said
something like that to me

I'd dissolve
and turn into mist.

It is weird.

All my life I've defined myself
by saying I'm not like my dad.

But now that it's true,
I feel...

Completely disoriented.

I have to say I'm at a loss
as how to console you.

- I'll pay for lunch.
- Thank you, George.

Oh shit, George.
I'd better get going.

I have a case. I have to follow a
woman off the 1:10 from Katonah.

You know, I don't know
if it's the placebo effect,

but I always feel so virile
after eating oysters.

Like I should mount
a woman immediately.

But you always feel that way.

What do you think?

Super Ray
versus X-Acto Man.

Ray, you have to stop drawing that
stabbing over and over again.

Why? It took Monica Seles
years to get over her stabbing

and she was the number one
tennis player in the world.

You're not Monica Seles.
You have to let it go.

Okay.

I think I'm just getting a little
overwhelmed about meeting Spencer.

It'll be fine.
You're good with children.

No I'm not.
I've always been bad with children.

When I was little, kids
would call me gay Hueston.

They hated me.
They'd say,

"Hueston, we have a problem
because you're gay."

It's why I became an artist.

That's them.
That's them.

You get the door, okay?
And just tell them

that I have very bad diarrhea and that
I don't want Spencer to catch it.

Ray, diarrhea
is not contagious.

That is not true
and you know it.

You're going to meet your son.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hello.
Come on, Ray.

Renee and Spencer are here.

Is he wearing a red cape?

Oh yes. He wanted to
look heroic for Spencer.

- It's his alter ego.
- Oh, that's sweet.

Is he all right?

He's nervous and didn't sleep
well so he's overtired.

So is Spencer. Maybe later you can
put them both down for a nap.

Anyway, I'm gonna pick
him up at 6:00.

- Come on, Ray.
- No!

Ray, you have nothing
to be afraid of.

Spencer is so excited to meet
you and spend the day with you.

Really?

Yeah, just keep him in
his regular routine--

A walk, a nap, a bottle.

Here, you hold him.

I love you.

My mark is supposed to be tall and
wearing a distinctive yellow hat.

Is the hat distinctive
because it's yellow

or is it yellow
and distinctive?

I don't know.
Good point.

I was hired over the phone.
All the guy said was to follow

her wherever she goes
and report where she lands.

Sounds easy enough.
I'll help you for a while,

but then I've got to go
meet my daughter.

Did she find a place to live?

Yeah, she and her new boyfriend
found a sublet down in Chelsea.

I'm meeting him today as well.

I hope I don't loathe
the kid immediately.

That must be her.
That hat is yellow and distinctive.

- Let's go.
- Oh my God, what a robust figure.

It's like she has a cello
in that dress

- George. Whoa whoa.
- I love this case.

George, George.
Slow down, you'll tip her off.

I want to get a better look.
I just had oysters.

But you're not
being professional.

I don't want
to be professional.

Oh my God, what about her?
Let's follow her.

- She's going towards my subway.
- George!

The oysters are kicking in.
Good luck.

Sorry.

Come on, dude.

Hey, you could have been a gentleman
and helped me open the door at least.

- Fuck you, estrogen bomb.
- Estrogen?

Spencer!

Fuck it.

More coffee,
Mr. Christopher?

No, no thank you, Phillip.
Have you seen the new article?

I saw it, Mr. Christopher.
But my name is Stephen.

I've been with you
since you left "Edition."

I am so sorry, Stephen.

Because of the marijuana my whole
life is like that film "Memento."

And I'm nervous.

I'm seeing my daughter for
the first time in two years.

Here she is.
Emily.

Oh, hi daddy.

My dear girl.
Oh, look at you.

You are so beautiful.

Oh, really?
I haven't put on weight?

No no no no no.

- Come on, let's sit down.
- Okay.

All right, I want all
your headlines immediately.

- Okay.
- But before you start,

I just want to tell you
that I am so so so sorry

that I've been a lousy father
for the past couple of years.

I want us to be close again.

No, I'm sorry I've been
a lousy daughter.

No, you haven't been lousy.

I'm the only one allowed
to feel guilty here.

That's my job as a parent,
to feel inadequate.

Okay, dad, you're inadequate.

All right, give me
your headlines.

- Okay, I'm--
- Wait wait wait. Hold the presses.

Where's your new boyfriend?
I thought he was coming with you.

Oh yeah. He's out
running errands for me.

We like to pretend that he's my dog.
It's our fun little thing.

Well, that sounds good,
I guess.

I mean, dogs are loyal, right?

- Where'd you meet him?
- At a seance.

We were trying to communicate with
the original designer of Fiestaware.

I went with my
A.A. Sponsor, Sophie.

Wait wait, slow down,
sweetheart.

- You're in A.A.?
- Mm-hmm.

- When did this happen?
- About nine months ago.

I was drinking a lot.

But mostly I was just
becoming a pot-head.

Like you used to be
when I was a kid.

Well, yes.
That-- that is true.

I was a pot-head...
Back then.

But anyway, I'm so glad
that you're sober.

So what about you?

Why did you open this elitist,
artisanal restaurant?

Well, it's kind of
my new canvas, you know?

It's like the magazine
but with steak frites.

Oh, have you seen this article?

- You're gonna get a kick out of it.
- Ooh, there's Bernard.

Bernard, over here.
Here, boy.

Here, boy.

Hi.

- Yeah?
- Ames here, your detective.

The woman in the yellow hat

is in room 1527
of the Iroquois Hotel.

Got it.

Speaking of the woman
in the yellow hat,

did you ever read
the Curious George books?

I loved them when I was a kid.

What's going on here?
I heard a scream.

Well, actually two screams.

You've got to stop crying.
Shh.

Shh.

It's okay.

- Shh.
- Hello?

- Mom.
- Hey, Ray.

The baby won't stop crying.

What do I do?
Leah's out with the girls.

Put some whiskey on a nipple.
That's what I used to do for you.

- Really?
- Sure.

It's amazing
I'm not an alcoholic.

- You're not?
- Mom, God.

Shh.
It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.
Shh.

Shh.
All right.

There's no nipple.

It's a goddamn sippy cup.

I used to cry a lot too
when I was a kid.

But sometimes you have to
just suck it up, okay?

See this?

Take this, go like this.
Right?

It's okay.

It's okay.

Shh.

Not bad.

Oh my God.

Hello?

Please don't be dead.
Please don't be dead.

Please don't be dead.

Dead.

Oh my God.
Oh my God.

Oh my God.

I've been framed.

Why are my pants at my ankles?

Ah! Oh my God!
I'm sorry.

Are you okay?
I mean...

Police, open up.

Open up, police.

Ah! Shh!

Please don't scream.
I'm not here to molest you.

I mean, you're very beautiful.

Go back into the bathroom,
come out in two minutes

and I'll be gone, okay?

Goodbye.
Thank you.

So did you have fun
with your superhero daddy?

"Yes I did.
I love being with daddy.

I want to be with
him all the time."

Uh-oh, I think somebody
might need a diaper change.

I'm sorry, does he--
does he smell like booze?

No, I don't think so.

Maybe he snuck a drink earlier.
You know kids.

Well, I'd better get him
over to my ex's house.

She can change his diaper.

That's one of the benefits
of divorce.

Now that you've been cut loose,

have you been getting
a lot of puss?

Yeah, it's actually okay.

You know, I was never
single in Brooklyn before.

It's kind of wonderful.
It's kind of like college.

You know, a lot of girls,
a lot of-- lot of puss.

Hmm. Guess it gives
a new meaning

to the phrase
"gay divorcee."

Right. So I guess we'll
see you next week, Ray?

Great. Do remember to have
your ex change him right away.

If he's anything
like his old man,

he has a sensitive tushy.
Right, little guy?

Oh, good to know.

- Okay
- Bye, Spencer.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Bye, guys.
- Bye.

Bye, Spencer.

Bye, Spencer.
Spencer.

Spencer!

And so I'm living
right upstairs.

There's even a dumbwaiter.

So if I want, they can send
my meals right up the chute.

I want a dumbwaiter.

George, I keep noticing
the staff down here

is serving telephones?

Yes, I've banned cell phones
from the restaurant.

But if you have an emergency,

you can have a telephone
plugged in at your table.

Why the ban, daddy?
You love texting.

Well, we are organic.

And lately with all the "pods"

and "pads" I'm feeling
choked by technology.

I even started getting
emails in my mind.

You know I was working
on brain emails,

I was gonna call them
bmails, at my company

before I sold everything
to Microsoft.

My beautiful genius lover.

Sal.

Hey, Sal.

Sal, can I have the--
Thank you.

Daddy, where's the ladies' room?
I need to drain my lizard.

It's down to the right,
sweetheart.

Ah.

- I'm smitten, George.
- I can see that.

But I have to be straight
with you about something..

You are too old for Emily.

That's not true, George.

No, life is being extended.

Something is happening.

Especially for those of us
in the upper income brackets.

Don't you feel unusually young?

Yes, actually I do.

But I'm talking about
my daughter.

So am I.

I've fallen in love with Emily
and I want to marry her.

I would like your permission.

I want to be your son-in-law.

Marry?
Are you delusional?

Sometimes.

But about this I have clarity.

Well, what if I were to say no?

I think you'd make
Emily terribly unhappy.

She wanted me to ask you first.

Your approval
is very important to her.

Is this the kind of thing
that I could think about?

Ah.

What am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do?

Yes, can I please speak
to George Christopher?

Oh, Sal.
I'm so upset about my daughter.

I'll have one more.
But that'll be the last one.

You have a phone call,
Mr. Christopher.

Oh, thank you, Richard.

It's Stephen,
Mr. Christopher.

- I don't know a Stephen.
- No, it's Jonathan.

Oh, sorry.
Thank you, Jonathan.

- Hello, Stephen.
- George?

Hello, George?

Oh dear.

Hello?

Police, open up.

Not again.

Jonathan Ames, if you're
in there, open the door.

Jonathan Ames,
open the door.

Leah, today with Spencer

was one of the best days
of my life.

I felt needed.

It's like being with
Jonathan but better.

Ray, that's beautiful.

It's different being a dad.

Most of the time lately
I feel like I've been

sleepwalking my way
through life.

Like I really wasn't here,
you know?

That's how you feel
when you're with me?

No, not with you.

I just only see you at night now that
you're working most of the time.

So it's when you're alone
that you feel this way?

Yeah, but today I felt...

Completely awake,

like my heart
was as big as the moon.

I just love that little kid.
I'd do anything for him.

Ray, I'm so proud of you.

And even if you feel
lost sometimes,

you've been doing a wonderful
job running the house for me.

Yeah, I know.
I'm good at it.

I guess I've become
a real Park Slope mom.

A hot Park Slope mom.

Get the lube.

Really?

Would you like me to shower first?
I know you like me to be clean.

- No, I'm ready now.
- I love you, Leah.

Where is it?

Oh yeah.

Oh God.

It's Jonathan.

This'll only take a second.
No backing out!

Jonathan, I don't appreciate
such a late phone call.

Do you know what time it is?

11:15.

No, actually 11:16.

Ah!

Ray.

Help.

♪ I was in a functional way ♪

♪ and I have my bounce
sound jacket ♪

♪ queen of call collect
on my arm ♪

♪ she was my calm-me-down ♪

♪ she was my good luck charm ♪

♪ she was my good luck ♪

♪ here it come running,
here it come running again ♪

♪ trouble come running ♪

♪ here it come running again ♪

♪ here it come running ♪

♪ here it come running again ♪

♪ running again ♪

♪ running again ♪

♪ running again ♪

♪ oh, running. ♪