Bored to Death (2009–2011): Season 2, Episode 8 - Super Ray Is Mortal! - full transcript

♪ All the shadows
in the city ♪

♪ used to love you,
what a pity ♪

♪ I miss the questions
you used to ask me ♪

♪ bored to death,
cut, mad and lonely ♪

♪ bored to death, cut,
mad and lonely... ♪

- ( coughs )
- ♪ Bored to death ♪

♪ cut, mad and lonely. ♪

( whistle blows )

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

( Sighs )

So what do you
have to do today?



You want to spend it in bed?

I'd love to, but I can't.

I've got my Midwood
college interview.

- I'm nervous about it.
- I'll hire you.

I think you were
a great teacher.

I've got to say, Nina,
last night was incredible.

- It was an amazing first date.
- I know.

When I get going
I'm like a bee's nest.

So you think I should move in?

- What? - Well, I'm going
to be kicked out of my room

in Bushwick in a few days
and, um, I lost my job.

I might have to go back to
Portland and be with my parents.

You'd leave New York?

But we just met.
We had such a great night.



I know. That's why I
think I should move in.

I already know I want to
be with you every night.

Also, I'm going to be homeless.

God, Nina, this is so sudden.
Um...

Do I have a little time to think
about this... your moving in?

Sure.

Is two days enough time?

I guess.

- ( Cell phone rings )
- Sorry. One second.

- Hello? - You gotta get
over here right now.

I'm having a crisis
and an emergency.

Right now? I'm sort of in
the middle of someone...

- Uh, something.
- Yes, right now.

I need you, okay?

I'll be over there in
five minutes, 10, 15...

Hello?
God damn it.

He always hangs up on me.

As you know, George, we're all
very happy you don't have cancer.

It's just wonderful.
I'm so relieved.

- Thank you.
- But since it was a false alarm,

we do need to do something
about that failed drug test.

But that marijuana
was for my cancer.

The cancer that
you didn't have, George.

Yes, but I didn't
know that at the time.

George, ease.

We're going
to have you evaluated

by our substance abuse expert.

- Oh! - He will determine
a course of treatment.

It'll either be
rehab in Arizona

or an out-patient treatment
here in New York.

Katherine, this is ridiculous.

Rehab?
What about a... a... a sanitarium?

I would do that.

You know, it's more romantic.

It's more Zelda Fitzgerald.

But rehab?

Going to rehab
is company protocol.

We can't make exceptions.

All right, all right, all right.

What if I promised that I would
just quit, go cold turkey?

I wouldn't believe you.

My stalker sent me 12 emails
last night, all of them rude.

And this was left downstairs
in the vestibule this morning!

Oh man, this is really creepy.

There's some sort of a blade
sticking out of your shoulder.

It is a nib
of an x-acto knife.

A nib?
I like that word.

- Nib. Nib. Nib.
- Jonathan!

This is serious!
This is some kind of sick voodoo doll.

We gotta confront this guy.

- He was right here in my building.
- Oh shit.

- What? - He gave Super
Ray a beautiful vagina.

Your stalker is a really talented
seamstress... but no anus.

Give me this!
( Growls )

I'm really sorry
about this, Ray.

Who do you think it could be?

I don't know.
Kevin bacon?

He was weird when I met him.

No, I don't think a celebrity
would do such a thing.

Maybe there's a clue
in the emails.

- What's this?
- That's my Super Ray outfit.

I was going to wear it tonight
at the Brooklyn comic con.

- I thought my fans would like it.
- God, it's strange

that you should make
a Super Ray outfit

and your stalker
should make a Super Ray doll.

It's like when there were
two Truman Capote movies.

This is nothing like that!

We have to find this guy.
Will you concentrate on that, please?

I think we need outside help.

I have a source who owes me.

It's time I collected.

So...

This was left on your door

- at your house?
- Yes.

And there was a nib of an
x-acto knife in the shoulder,

but it fell out
when I threw the thing.

- A nib?
- You can see why we're concerned.

Yes yes.

Do you think that this guy
could make me one?

Okay, it's a doll
with a police uniform...

One of these underneath,

you know, all secret?

This isn't some friend of ours
that custom-makes voodoo dolls!

This is a deranged stalker!

Officer Drake, please!
We need you to focus.

I'm so sorry, fellas.
I really am.

You know I have issues.
I just... Sorry.

Is there any way you can track
down who sent these emails?

Ll, I mean, anybody can open up

a hotmail account.
It's very easy.

But there is, uh, the same unique
IP address on all of these.

You could run a trace

and then you can get a
location on the computer.

Great. That's what we need.
Thank you!

Whoa! Hey! I... I can't
help you, Jonathan.

I would love to,
but I could lose my job.

- I can't do that.
- Office Drake, there were complications

involved in your case
that I never told you about.

But I went to great lengths
for you, as did Ray.

Yeah, it's because of you
I got shot in the head,

then I had to go New Jersey and have
breakfast with Jonathan's parents.

- Oh God. That's awful.
- There's also the matter of my fee.

Oh, I really...
I keep meaning to pay you.

- It's just that every
time I... - Do this for me

and your debt will be canceled.

And you can keep the doll.

- Really?
- Yes.

All right.

Wait here.
Ll be right back.

Cops.
Unbelievable.

If he sticks a pencil
up my twat

and I feel I
I'm gonna regret this.

I knew officer Drake
would come through for us.

This must be it.

Great, it's a public computer.
Anybody could have used it.

I don't think so. Look...
"For patrons only."

- He must be a patron.
- Oh yeah, you're right.

Nobody disobeys
a handwritten sign.

- How much money do you have on you?
- A lot.

The comic book's
selling like crazy.

Good.

We just need to rewind this tape to
the time the last email was sent

and we should be able to get
a good look at our guy.

1:12 A.M.
And look, there he is!

Damn.
We can't see his face.

- Do you recognize this guy?
- I recognize his hat.

He wears it all the time.
He's a guest here.

What's his name
and what room is he in?

- Make it 40?
- Don't push it, clerk.

John Doe-Smith,
are you in there?

- I can't believe he has
such a weak alias. - I know.

The voodoo puppet showed
a lot of creativity,

but his fake name is
definitely lacking.

Though hyphenating Doe-Smith
is sort of interesting.

Anybody home?

Any stalkers?

Oh my God, he's practically
wallpapered this place

with "Super Ray" comics.

He must have bought 0 copies.

It's like you have
your own serial killer.

At least he helped the sales.

You know, Ray, I do have my
Midwood college interview at 5:00,

but we could probably stake this
place out for a little while,

wait and see if he shows up
and then confront him.

Okay.

Do you think it's safe
to eat my stalker's food?

Is it open? If it's open I don't think
we want contact with his germs.

It's not open.
And it's organic.

Then it's probably safe.

So before I bin the evaluation, Mr.
Christopher,

I just want you to know
I'm a big fan.

I read your "by George"
column for years.

Really?
Well, thank you.

Anyway, um,

from your test results,
Mr. Christopher,

it appears your drug
of choice is marijuana.

- Is that correct?
- It's my first choice, yes.

So what does
marijuana give you?

Well, I become more aware of
how beautiful everything is.

And what does marijuana take
away from you, Mr. Christopher?

Off the top of my head, I'd say
boredom, loneliness, pain.

And are you in pain
because you feel unlovable,

unknowable
and shrouded in secrets?

I... I mean I put on a brave
front, and all that,

but you know, inside I
tear at myself with claws.

How do you feel here
at the workplace?

Likeoby-dick.

They stick me
with dozens of harpoons.

So you're clawed on the inside

and harpooned on the outside.

- Yeah.
- That's how I feel.

I suppress a lot of anger.

Secretly,
I'm like a tea kettle,

always ready
to scream out in agony.

What do you do about it?

I pray and I try
to help others,

and I wear a mouth guard
at night.

Oh right right.

Well, I've made my diagnosis.

You're a marijuana addict

with narcissistic
personality disorder.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.

Why the narcissistic part?

Oh, no no.

No, that was a gift.

So I'm recommending
to your superior

that you do two months
of rehab in Arizona.

What? Two months!
Oh no.

That's n possible!

You said you were a fan!

Come on, cut me a deal!

- A deal?
- Well...

Mr. Christopher,
I'm making my prescription

because I'm a fan.

I don't want you to be
in pain anymore.

- ( Door opens )
- Excuse me, Mr. Christopher,

there's something
I really need to show you.

I don't tolerate interruptions

- during therapeutic evaluations!
- What is your name?

What is your name?

It's Steven,
Mr. Christopher.

- With a "v" or a "ph"?
- A "v."

Close your mouth.

Do you think it's crazy
to let Nina move in?

- Yes.
- But the sex was incredible.

It actually felt meaningful.

Then definitely
don't let her move in.

I had meaningful sex
with Leah once a month,

- look what happened to me.
- Right.

- Shit, I better leave soon
for my interview. - Shh shh.

- ( Keys jangle )
- ( Lock clicks )

- ( Cell phone ringing ) - Jonathan:
Oh, he's making a run for it!

- He's heading for the roof!
- Get him!

He killed himself.

Holy shit.
He knows parkour.

That's right. Run, you asshole!
I can find you now!

You hear me, you seamstress?
Seamstress.

- What are you doing?
- Anything your stalker can do, I can do!

Stop! No no no no no.
Oh God God.

Ahh!

Jonathan, are you all right?

I twisted my ankle!
He got away.

I'm sorry I let you down!

You're an idiot.

Thanks for understanding.

Ow!

I can't believe this.

I feel a profound revulsion

in my spine,

in my... in my liver,
in my kidneys,

my gallbladder,
in my... Uh...

What are some other organs?
I'm so upset, I'm blanking.

Is... is the stomach
an organ?

- I-I think so.
- Right, of course, of course it is.

I'm... I'm horrified.

I feel the same way,
Mr. Christopher.

Good boy, good boy.

You know something?
They've been neutering me

for months around here and I'm
not going to take it anymore.

I'm gonna fight back.

Do I, uh...
do I look okay?

Trim and elegant.

Thank you, Walter.
Thank you.

Hello.
I'm Jonathan Ames.

I have an appointment
with Dean Saunders.

You're late.
Have a seat.

- Hello, Jonathan.
- Oh no.

You saw my winning story
in "The New Yorker"?

Oh, you're limping.
That makes me happy.

I'm glad something
makes you happy.

You're not interviewing for the
creative writing job, are you?

Of course I am.
Dean Saunders is a friend.

It seems impossible to fathom,
but is that why you're here?

Yes, Louis, I'm also applying.

Your proclivity for self-destruction
is morbidly fascinating,

but why do you set yourself up
for failure time and time again?

Shut up, Louis.
Don't talk to me

ooh, such anger!
You know, for people like yourself,

there have been amazing
advancements in brain surgery.

A lobotomy is not the mark
of shame it once was.

Snip snip.

- How dare you? Pick it up.
- No, you pick it up.

I will not pick up, for you
will be picking it up.

- No I won't.
- Yes you will.

- No I won't. No I won't.
- Yes you will.

Ow!

Ew! Your breath smells
like cat food again.

It's pate,
you stoner philistine.

We'll be in touch.

Gentlemen.

- Dean Saunders.
- De Saunders.

Louis Greene is next, Dean.
He was on time.

- Come in, Louis.
- Sure. Good to see you.

Thank you.
Snip snip.

, this is wonderful.

Katherine,

I've reached my limit.
This is too much.

It's the final harpoon!

- What? Harpoon? - Never mind.
It doesn't matter.

Look, I just want you
to get on the phone,

call your bosses in Dallas,

and tell them to retract
this garbage immediately!

I can't do that, George.

This... this cover is
important to them.

They won't bend.
I know it.

They want the magazine
to be more on the right.

The right? But the right
doesn't know what to do!

Nobody in American politics
knows what to do.

Well, that's a very pessimistic
viewpoint, George.

No, it's an intelligent
viewpoint:

'Re all idiots.

Now let's just stick with
the opera issue as planned

and just drop this
political bullshit, please.

The cover is staying, George.

Fine.
I will call Dallas myself.

Fine. You can if you want
to, but they'll ignore you.

Wow. Um...

Then I quit.

The magazine doesn't
need me anymore

and frankly I don't need it.

It's a love affair
that's come to an end.

And I'm going to drink
as much booze

and as as much pot as I want.

Thank you very much!

- George...
- No, Katherine.

There's no changing my mind.

- I am sorry.
- No no no, I don't want you to.

I think you're doing
the right thing.

You're not happy he
and I don't blame you.

Right.

So if you'd like,

maybe we could have
dinner sometime.

Now that you're not working her

I'd love to get to know you
outside of the office.

Louis: There, that's his
illegal ad on craigslist

offering his services
as a private detective.

You know, it wouldn't surprise me if
he was also on there as a prostitute.

Saunders:
This is very unusual, Louis.

It's just the tip
of the iceberg.

I once saw him inhale
an entire bag of cocaine.

- Really?
- That's not true.

Also, if you look at him closely
his forehead is very narrow.

Phrenology... skull assessment...
has long been a hobby of mine.

In fact, Dean, your skull has perfect symmetry.
Did you know that?

- What are you doing here?
- You shouldn't listen to Greene!

- He hates me! - This is what I'm
talking about. He's unstable.

- I'm not unstable. - Obviously there
was some kind of birth trauma.

Oh, and his novel was
full of typos.

I'm going to kill you, Louis!

- Stay away from me, you subnormal.
- Security.

- Stop! - Don't point
your pointy head at me.

My head is normal, u jerk.

Look at yourself!
You're a carnival freak.

Stay away.

Well, I didn't get the job but it was
one of the best interviews I ever had.

One of the security guards
slapped Greene

and I felt joy.

I'm happy for you.

Besides, as a writer and
detective, I'm my own boss.

No one can we're both our own bosses now.
O, you know, without "edition,"

I can do anything I want.
Can open a restaurant.

I can start
an Internet magazine.

I mean, hell, I could finally go
to Tangiers and smoke hashish.

You can come too if you like.

I'd love to.

Am I overdressed?

George:
I am so proud of our Ray.

Yeah, it's incredible.

I think people are responding
so strongly to the comic

because it's all about
his love for Leah

- and wanting to win her back.
- I agree.

It has a beautiful message.

I just want you to know that
your comic really helped me.

So thank you.

You're welcome.

George, you remember
that girl from my class?

- Nina?
- Yes, the cute blonde.

Yeah well, we've started dating and
she already wants to live with me.

Have you ever
let someone move in

right after sleeping with them?

Yes, three times.
Always disastrous.

- So I shouldn't do it?
- Oh no, you should definitely do it.

It could be fun until it,
you know, falls apart.

There's always a slight chance it
could work, so you know, why not?

Oh my God, look at her.

Whoa.
What a costume.

Yeah, I-I have
to go talk to her.

I've always had this thing
for wonder woman.

But I thought you were
into vampires and armpits.

Did you rely put your cock on the
third rail to get your super powers?

Of course I did.

Should I try it?

Yes, but, uh,
wait until you're 21.

All right.
Thank you.

Oh no!
An x-acto knife.

- Excuse me, excuse me.
- Hey, watch it!

Hey!

Ray!
Ray!

Ray!
The x-acto knife!

George! George!
The x-acto knife!

Stop talking
to wonder woman!

Ray, I'm coming!
Excuse me. I'm coming, Ray!

It's an x-acto knife!
It's an x-acto knife!

Ow!

Shit!

Woman:
Nice job, man!

- Good job.
- Thank you.

I'll apply pressure
with my handkerchief!

Irwin?
Why did you do that?

Because of you,
I spent two months at Rikers

and I lost my
rent-controlled apartment!

- How bad is that wound?
- Well, it's a...

oh, Ray, that's a lot of blood.

Oh, boy.

Call an ambulance!

I was going to tell you guys,
but it was too embarrassing.

I found Irwin

in bed with Leah.

I chased him out of the house,

but I don't know
how he ended up at Rikers.

Well, the guy
must have cracked;

rent-controlled apartments
are hard to come by.

I had a beautiful one
in the West Village

on Jane Street for years...
it was like $300 a month.

Nobody gives a shit about your
rent-controlled apartment right now, George.

Sorry.
I'm sorry.

Jonathan.

I want to thank you.

If that guy had sta't me
again, I wouldn't be here.

God! Oh my God!
Ray!

Are you all right?

I'm okay.

I'm okay. I've lost a lot of blood.
I got two stitches, but it's nothing.

No no, it was a lot of blood.

God!
This is all my fault!

Irwin was arrested that night in
park slope for indecent exposure.

I never should have
slept with him.

I'm so, Ray.

It's okay.

E I could forgive you anything, Leah.

- Ow! Ow ow ow.
- Sorry sorry!

I love you, Ray.

I love you.

( Bed humming )

George, do you really want
to go to Tangiers together?

Yes, I'd like to.

Or we could go to Azil,
go up the Amazon.

They have plants you can eat
there, that give you visions.

- I'd like a vision.
- Yeah, me too.

I'd like a really good vision.

But what do you
wanna do tonight?

Well, let's get stoned

and get something
to eat in Brooklyn.

It's not the Amazon,
but we can make it lively.

♪ when it's
time-to-time time? ♪

♪ and if you need
to tell me something once ♪

♪ you won't have
to say it twice ♪

♪ and if you ask
for a nickel ♪

♪ I'm gonna hand you
a dime ♪

♪ and we'll forget about
our problems ♪

♪ ignore 'em
for a little while ♪

♪ and leave our worries
in the corner ♪

♪ leave 'em
in a big big pile ♪

♪ pretend everything
can be all right ♪

♪ pretend everything
can be all right. ♪