Bored to Death (2009–2011): Season 2, Episode 7 - Escape from the Castle! - full transcript

- I saw Leah today.
- Where?

I tied him up
outside the pharmacy

and when I came out
little Ray was gone.

This is my opening
to win Leah back.

I'm gonna kill you!

Teachers can be
very charismatic.

I just want to thank you
for taking care of George

- and his prostate.
- ( Moans )

Possibly the last erection
of my life is with you.

I guess that's your line
with all the girls.

I'll see you
at 6:00 P.M..



It should all go well, I hope.

Thanks for saving little Ray.

They've got the wrong George.

He doesn't live in Queens!

♪ All the shadows
in the city ♪

♪ used to love you,
what a pity ♪

♪ I miss the questions
you used to ask me ♪

♪ bored to death,
cut, mad and lonely ♪

♪ bored to death, cut,
mad and lonely... ♪

♪ Bored to death ♪

♪ cut, mad and lonely. ♪

( whistle blows )

Sorry to keep you
waiting, Mr. Ames.

I was lancing a neck boil.
The patient was fidgety.



Oh, I understand.

So I've never used
a private detective before.

That's all right.
Most of my clients are virgins.

But I didn't tell you I was a virgin.
You're a very good detective.

Oh, thank you, but I meant that
metaphorically, Dr. O'Connor.

Oh.
Well...

Part of the reason
I need your help

is my virginity.

What exactly do you
need done, doctor?

I advertize on Craigslist,

but I am not involved
in the sex trade.

Sorry, that's not what I meant.

Um, you see I've saved
myself for marriage.

But my fiancee's family is against me.
They blocked all communication

- so I need you to take a letter to her.
- Why are they against y?

It's complicated, but one of the
reasons is because I'm Irish.

Hmm, that's strange.
The Irish are usually very popular.

I know.
It's odd.

Anyway, please deliver
this letter to her

at the Korean spa in Queens...
The Castle, do you know it?

Yes, I've heard it's very
good for birthday parties.

So your fiancee's name is Hee?

Yes, it's a common Korean name.

Her father actually owns The Castle,
but it's our best chance to reach her.

I love her very much.

Okay.
Your letter will be delivered.

Thank you.
It's very important.

A ship leaving tomorrow night needs a
doctor and I've taken the position.

- Where is the boat going?
- Argentina.

We'll start a new life there.

Argentina has a high
rate of skin cancer.

It's very good
for dermatologists.

- Hmmm.
- Speaking of cancer...

That is a very big mole.

I think we should do
a quick biopsy.

I won't remove the whole thing.
Just a sliver.

What? I'm very
attached to this mole.

Ow ow.

I appreciate all of you writing
these sealed testimonials.

If I get the Midwood college job,
I've got you guys to thank.

You're welcome, Professor Ames.

Okay. So I thought we'd start
tonight with an exercise...

Wait. Did you read
this week's "New Yorker"?

They announced the winner
for the contest.

What? Already?
Did I... Who... who won?

Nobody from
our great class won.

Someone named Louis Greene won.

Oh no, not Greene.

Can I see that?
I know him.

Nina:
It's an amazing story.

I read it on the subway.

It's really funny and sexy.

Don't...
don't say that, Nina.

"I knew a failed writer
who was mentally

and emotionally unstable.

He believed that he was a...

Private detective.

His skull was oddly pinched
at the top."

Oh my God.

His story is about me.

- ( Knocks )
- Jonathan.

You seemed so upset about the story,
I thought I'd come check on you.

Yeah.

What's weird is
he wrote about me

and I wrote about him,

except in my story I turned
him into a femme fatale.

A blonde.

I'd like to be a blonde femme
fatale in one of your stories.

I know we just had
our first kiss and all,

um, but, um...

Could we do some role-play?

Role-playing?

Well, I guess.

Well, ever since I read "the
story of o" when I was 13,

I've really wanted
to be spanked

and chastised by a teacher
in a classroom.

- By a teacher like me?
- Yes.

Get behind your desk.
Make it authentic.

Okay.

I do have some experience
with spanking.

Do you want a safety word or...

I won't need one.

Um, you wanted to see me,
Mr. Ames?

Yes, my student.

I notice that you're always
drifting off in class. I...

( softly ) So now you
want me to spank you?

- Don't break character!
- All right, sorry.

Harder.
Harder.

Harder!
Harder.

- Like that?
- Yes!

- You're very bad at math.
Your homework is late. - ( Squeals )

Your spelling is awful.
You're a bad girl.

A bad girl, a bad gir...

I got to lock the school up.

Right, um...

Well, we're almost done in
here and we'll be right out.

Oh my God.

- How embarrassing.
- That wasn't embarrassing.

It was just, you know...
too bad he came in.

Well, would you like to go back
to my place and keep going?

Oh no.

I don't feel ready.

Let's take it slow.

I'll see you next week.

This is a disaster.
I cannot use these letters.

The writing is horrible.
I'll seem like a lousy teacher.

This one is well written,

but it says you make
all the girls in class wet.

Oh yeah, that must
be from Nina.

You know, something started
up with her last night.

She has a teacher fantasy
and so I spanked her.

Good, good for you.
Is that that little blonde minx?

Yeah. She helped me forget about
"The New Yorker" contest.

I'm sorry that jerkoff
Greene beat you out.

Aw, that's all right. I'll just keep
writing my Harry Parker mysteries.

I'm not going to let some sociopath
like Greene get me down.

We have got to watch out
for nuts like that.

A sociopath sent me
three hate letters this week.

- ( Car honks )
- Oh, must be George.

Let's go to the Castle,
birthday boy.

So who do you think
sent you these letters?

Uh, some anonymous jerk
who's jealous of my success.

It might be my dad.

Or it could be my sister;

my little cousin
Douglas.

Ah, Ray, Happy birthday.

Oh, you shouldn't have,
but I'm glad you did.

Well, shall we go to
the spa and get healthy?

We can drink that afterward

and undo everything...
detox and then retox.

- You guys know each other, right?
- Hello, Vikram.

- Hello, Mr. Jonathan. - Vikram, this
is my friend Ray. Ray, this is Vikram.

Hello, Mr. Ray.
I read your comic. I loved it.

Oh, thank you.

I nearly lost my wife, so I identified
with the book quite strongly.

I think you drew too many penises,
but I still enjoyed it.

Yeah, come on, come on,
come on.

- Not that many penises. - Hey,
I'm very excited about this Castle place.

- I read on the Internet that they have
wasabi bodyrubs. - ( Engine cranks )

I love Sushi.
What's the matter?

I told you the car needed a tune-up,
Mr. Christopher,

- but you always procrastinate.
- Why are you always picking on me?

I don't procrastinate.
I just like to do things later.

- George, when did you get a driver?
- I started a few weeks ago.

It's a wonderful job, but I
still want health insurance.

- One thing at a time.
- ( Engine starts )

- Oh, well done, Vikram.
- Thank you, boss.

♪ Stars in my eyes,
dreams in my pocket

♪ my heart is beating,
I just can't stop it ♪

♪ it's my happy day ♪

♪ aw, happy happy. ♪

You know, I'm not really shy,

but I am glad there's
a robe option.

Yeah, I didn't know this
place was divided by gender.

At the Russian baths
in Manhattan it's coed.

Yeah, this is a real
Asian sausage factory.

Really?
It's not just a spa?

You know something?
I've never had an Asian sausage.

I bet they're spicy.
I'd like to try one.

Are you sure you're
the editor of a magazine?

- Yeah.
- So listen, guys,

I have us scheduled
for a massage at 5:30.

But first I have to deliver
a letter for a client.

Wait, you're on a case
on my birthday?

No, it's just a simple delivery
of a letter, Ray. Nothing big.

- So that's why you wanted to come here?
- No, I...

I heard this place was
good for birthdays

and I thought I'd kill
two birds with o stone.

You know, that wasn't
very sensitive, Jonathan.

That's the kind of thing I used
to do to Priscilla all the time

and it would infuriate her...
hidden motives and all that.

- I'm not Priscilla!
- I know, I know.

I'm sorry, Ray.
To be honest,

I forgot about your birthday and I
thought this was a good compromise.

It'll just take me two minutes and I'll
be right back with you guys, okay?

- ( Softly ) Okay.
- He said okay.

Hey, you want to get stoned
before the massage?

That would make me feel
a little bit better, yeah.

Of course I do.

Oh!

Excuse me, hi.

- Do you know Hee Cho?
- No.

Well...

Oh.

( Exhales )

( Falsetto ) Excuse me.

Oh hi. Do you know
someone named Hee Cho?

Bye.

( Groans )

( Exhales )

- ( Yelps )
- This is for women only!

I'm so sorry.
I don't know what I was thinking.

You know, I was pretending
that I was Tony Curtis.

Listen, do you know
someone named Hee Cho?

I have a letter for her.
It's very important.

You!
You wait here, stupid boy.

Oh boy, look at her.

I'm so glad
the sun deck is coed.

Hello.
And goodbye.

Never see you again.

Hey, Jonathan told me you're
quite the ladies' man nowadays.

That's right.

I've been with two women since
Leah broke up with me...

A drunk and an elf...
both excellent in bed.

An elf?
You mean a dwarf?

No, an elf.
Every day she glued on elf ears.

Nice... nice kid,
but she just kind of left

and went back to Providence
to live with her parents.

- Aw, that's a shame.
- No, it's okay.

I'm trying to win Leah back.

I saved her dog little Ray, so I
think that's a good first step.

Oh my God, look at her.

Ah ha ha ha.

Ugh.

Yeah.
( Laughs )

George, how many women
have you been with?

Well, too many to count really.

But it's been wonderful
in its own way.

I've been like
Blanche Dubois really.

I've relied on
the kindness of strangers.

Hello.

And goodbye.

Excuse me,
I was told you have let.

Why are you dressed like that?

It's complicated.
Can you bring me to her?

No, but I can deliver
the letter for you.

I'm the only person at the
spa who really knows her.

The note is
from Dr. O'Connor?

Maybe.
Maybe not.

Well, if it's from Dr.
O'Connor, she'll want the letter.

I'm r friend.

Okay, but it's really
important that she get this.

I understand.

It's a matter of the heart.

( Groaning ) Oh God.

Oh, I love this.

You know, being cancer-free

has me craving all sorts
of new experiences

- it's always like that.
- I guess it's heightened now.

I want to try everything.
I want to be insane

like Klaus Kinski.
I wanna... I wanna

live in Stockholm in the winter

because I've fallen in love.
I wanna be a eunuch

in the harem of an Arab prince.

- George, what are you talking about?
- We smoked pot on the roof.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

- I want to go to Stockholm.
- ( Ray groaning ) Oh yeah.

Oh, that's the stuff!
Can you knead my buttocks with your toes?

- That's where I hold a lot of tension.
- Yes sir.

- I need to speak with you.
- Hee?

- You're the boy I gave the letter to?
- Yes.

- What?
- I need your help.

My father's security guards
are after me.

- Why, what happened?
- I took $10,000 from the safe for my dowry.

- I love to shop.
- ( Knocks )

That's them.
It's too late.

Quick, hi under the table!

Guys, guys, guys,
hide her, hide her.

Cover her with your legs.
Cover her with your legs.

- Come on, come on.
Sonny, don't say anything. - Okay.

( Speaking Korean )

Okay okay.

What the hell is going on?
This is my birthday.

Oh, wait a minute.

Is she for me?

I can't believe this. I was really
enjoying having that woman walk on my ass.

Sorry, Ray, but we have to help Hee.
She's all alone.

This is fun too, right?
It'll make a great Harry Parker mystery.

You could make things up.
It's called fiction.

Now who exactly is Hee?

My client's fiancee who is a man,
but also a beautiful woman.

- So Hee is a he, but also a she?
- Yes.

Got it.
Oh, I like this.

It's very helpful for my mind.

These sorts of things are supposed to be
very good for preventing Alzheimer's.

You went down
the wrong hallway.

The laundry room
is back that way.

- Oh!
- ( Speaking Korean )

- Oh shit.
- Go go go!

- Go go go go go!
- This way, this way.

Here here.

There's an emergency exit
we can use.

Here here, jump jump jump.

( Screaming )

Oh, this is wonderful.

Go go go go go go go!

Vikram, Vikram, start the car.

Get in the car.
Get in the car.

Get in, go go go.

( Car sputtering )

- ( Engine dies ) - I told you the car
needed a tune-up, Mr. Christopher.

- Oh, stop nagging me!
- I agree with Vikram. This car sucks.

Everyone shut up.
We'll wait till the car cools down.

- I'll just let them have me.
- ( Tires squeal )

Oh no, there they are.

Jonathan:
Shit, let's go!

( Dog barking )

George:
Wait wait wait for me.

- Here here.
- Wait... Oh jeez.

Ow ow ow ow.
God, I can't go any further.

- Shhh.
- My knees are like frozen with arthritis.

Down down.

Vikram, you know martial arts.

- Can you take these guys out? - Mr.
Christopher, I'm Indian, not Chinese.

I can lower my body temperature,
but I don't know how to fight.

That's not going to do us any good.
What about Indian wrestling?

Mr. Christopher, you keep this up,
I'm going to resign my position.

Oh lighten up.
Take a joke.

Guys, I've got an idea.

I don't know what's happening.
( Sighs )

What exactly is your
family's problem with you?

They love me,
but they're ashamed of me.

They're very traditional
and want me to be a boy.

- That does sound traditional.
- So I'm eloping.

I landed a doctor.

- Are you married?
- No, I'm a cartoonist.

You're very handsome.
I like your beard.

- Do you have a girlfriend?
- Thank you.

I did, but she
broke up with me.

But I still love her.
I regard her as my best friend.

You know, I never thought I'd
be in a graveyard in a spa robe

talking to a beautiful
transvestite in the moonlight.

That's romantic.

( Speaking Korean )

Hey, I'm over here!
I have the money!

- Whoo!
- Ray: Oh my God,

I can't believe he's
trying to be a hero again.

I got the money, whoo!

Jonathan, he's got a gun!

Look out.

Oh for God's sake,
put your back into it, man.

Don't be so condescending,
Mr. Christopher.

Ray, are you all right?!

Is Hee Cho okay?

( Music playing )

- I love you.
- I love you, my dear.

I'm feeling very emotional.

- Me too, Vikram.
- I'm hungry. Is that an emotion?

Sometimes.

Thank you for everything.

You're welcome, but there's
one more thing, Dr. O'Connor.

As your private detective I should
tell you in case you don't know,

- that Hee is...
- I know.

She's perfect.

Huh.

Oh shit.
Wait wait!

What about my biopsy?

Oh, I forgot to tell you.
Your biopsy was...

- ( horn blares )
- What?

- I...
- Don't worry.

I know a very
good dermatologist.

Much better than my urologist.

What now, gentlemen?

Well, we could go back to my
hotel and order room service.

- It's still your birthday.
- What about that bottle of whiskey?

- Maybe smoke a little birthday pot?
- Oooh.

Is it presumptuous
of me to wish

to join all of you after
our shared adventure?

George:
Not at all, Vikram.

In the end you did very nicely
with that shovel.

Thank you, boss.

♪ I wanna be loved by you ♪

♪ just you,
nobody else but you ♪

♪ I wanna be loved by you ♪

♪ alone ♪

♪ boop boop be doo ♪

♪ I wanna be kissed by you ♪

♪ just you,
nobody else but you ♪

♪ I wanna be loved by you ♪

♪ alone ♪

♪ I couldn't aspire ♪

♪ to anything higher ♪

♪ than to feel the desire ♪

♪ to make you my own ♪

♪ boop boop be doo. ♪