Bored to Death (2009–2011): Season 2, Episode 6 - The Case of the Grievous Clerical Error! - full transcript

Leah hires Jonathan to help find her new dog, "Little Ray." Ray joins Jonathan in the search for the dog, getting some inside help from a local woman. A reflective George heads to the ...

I have a new alter alter ego:

- Kevin Bacon.
- He wants to play Super Ray?

I'm gonna need
to get close to you...

maybe move in,
wear your clothes.

He assaulted me!

That's not cool, bro.
Oh!

- The board in Dallas wants
to cut your column. - Oh no.

- Are you a vulcan or an elf?
- Please. No, I'm an elf.

The best course of action will be to
remove all or part of the prostate.

I'm going to look after
you as best I can.

I want you to follow
my husband.



Throw your wallets and jewelry
to the center of the floor!

I need a driver.
Just give me the gun.

- Let's go!
- I love this orange color!

♪ All the shadows
in the city ♪

♪ used to love you,
what a pity ♪

♪ I miss the questions
you used to ask me ♪

♪ bored to death,
cut, mad and lonely ♪

♪ bored to death, cut,
mad and lonely... ♪

- ( coughs )
- ♪ Bored to death ♪

♪ cut, mad and lonely. ♪

( whistle blows )

( Sighs )

"To save himself
and the blonde,

Harry slapped the large bag
of cocaine into the air.



Then Harry sent his fist,

which was the size
of a small dictionary,

- into the drug dealer's throat.
" - ( Phone rings )

- Ames here.
- Jonathan, it's leah.

Oh hi, leah.

I'm in your neighborhood.
Could I come by?

There's something I need
to talk to you about.

Here?

The place is very
grey gardens at the moment.

- I've been writing.
- Oh, it doesn't matter.

I'll be right over.

How's Ray?

He's, um...

Making the best of it.

- Let's take a break.
- Okay.

- ( Sighs ) - I want
to take a picture.

Red hook is so weird
and beautiful.

Okay.

( Mimics Brando )
I could've been somebody.

What?
You are somebody.

You created Super Ray.

No, it's marlon Brando.

It's a little lesser known line.

"On the waterfront"
was set in red hook.

Cool. I didn't know that.
I like Brando.

I wish he wasn't dead.

Kiss?

- What are you doing now?
- Oh, I'm tweeting our photo.

None of my friends
believe I'm dating you.

Tweeting?
So cute.

Yo, are those ears real?

- Of course they are.
- ( Both snicker )

- What, is it Christmas?
- What's it to you, gaylord?

Yo, nothing, man.
Elves are cool.

You are the sexiest guy
I have ever met.

I know.

So here's a picture
of little Ray.

We got him from
a rescue shelter.

I'll need this for
my investigation.

Why'd you name him little Ray?

The girls said that he and
Ray have the same eyes.

I guess I can see that...
a certain sadness.

So tell me again what
happened from the beginning.

As a Detective
I need all the details.

Also I'm a little stoned.

Okay. So I tied him up
outside the pharmacy

just for a second and when
I came out he was gone.

- Oh my God.
- So when I got home the phone rings

and this man says,
"I have little Ray."

'Cause my number was
on his dog collar.

I was like, "oh my God,
thank you."

Then he says all cold,
"how much for him?"

Ransom for a dog.

I know this world
is insane, but still...

So I blurted out
stupidly "40 bucks"

and he hung up
and he hasn't called back.

The girls are heartbroken,
crying every night.

It's okay.
I'll find him.

I don't want your girls
to be upset.

They've already lost one Ray.

They shouldn't lose two.

I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.

- I-I... I'm stoned and tipsy.
- I'm also tipsy.

Oh... Jonathan, I can't believe
that almost happened.

We only leaned.
A lean means nothing.

I do it naturally all the time.

I have bad posture from depression.
I just...

you're right, you're right.
It was only a lean.

But you know, I should go.

- Oh, I feel guilty.
- Me too, me too.

But we were just projecting our
love for Ray onto each other.

Right. So you'll try
to find little Ray?

Of course.
But, leah,

should we actually kiss

so that our guilt
doesn't go to waste?

- I've always thought you were
very beautiful. - Jonathan!

- ( Phone ringing )
- It's Ray!

Do you think he knows?
Is that...

Jonathan, don't be paranoid.

Let's just pretend
like nothing happened,

which will be easy,
because nothing did happen.

Well, I'm sorry about the
nothing that didn't happen

and, leah, I will find
little Ray for you.

( Music playing )

- ♪ Ride ♪
- ♪ Ride ♪

♪ pour a drink
in the frustrated cowboy. ♪

She's a nice kid, but it's
just hard to be in public

with a girl
that's got elf ears.

She lent me her huge
bike, which is nice.

Does she have other elf organs?

No.
That's what I thought.

I thought she'd have fairy
dust down there or something.

Completely normal
from the neck down.

But I feel bad when I kiss her.

All I do is think about leah

and how her ears are regular.

I saw le today.

What? Where?
Did she say she misses me?

Yeah, she misses you.

I saw her at my place.

- Why? - She needs my
help as a Detective.

What does she want you to do?

She got the girls a dog,
but it was stolen.

The guy who took it
had the audacity

to ask for ransom,
but she lowballed him.

She does have
a secret cheap side.

The whole time we were together

not once did she raise my allowance.
Go ahead.

Anyway, she lowballed him
and he hung up the phone.

I guess he must have
sold the dog or something,

but leah wants me
to try to find him.

What a bastard,

wanting money for a lost dog.

I don't know if you're
gonna like this,

but leah and the girls
named the dog

little Ray.

Yeah, I like that.

It means they miss me.

- What kind of dog is it?
- He's a... oh here.

- Not the most...
- Good God.

That is one ugly pooch.

With that scrunched face
he looks like an alien.

He's got nice eyes though.

- Yeah. - So how are we
gonna find this gargoyle?

( Music playing )

♪ All I know
is all I'm told ♪

♪ she keeps the young
from getting old again ♪

♪ make sure to cross
the street ♪

♪ she walks to me
and hurt her feet... ♪

- Our last flier.
- Now what,

besides getting a drink?

Now we wait.

Either the jerk
who grabbed little Ray

will come out from under his
rock to collect the reward.

Or if he sold the dog, maybe
that person will call us.

- What'll it be?
- One budweiser

and a glass of your
worst white wine

for my friend, on me.

You know, George is having
his surgery tomorrow.

I know. Poor George.
Such a good guy.

Shouldn't have
shot me that time,

but he always
picks up the check.

- Thanks.
- Cin cin.

( Sighs )

After this, I got to go home
and finish my short story

for "the new yorker" contest.

- What's the gist of it. - It's about a p.
I. Named Harry Parker.

It's a Pulp Fiction take on how I beat
those drug dealers in prospect park.

I turned Greene
into a femme fatale...

- a sexy blonde.
- Greene would make a good woman.

- He has nice hips.
- Huh.

( Knocks on door )

Oh hey, perfect timing.

Do you think that
I'll need two bathrobes?

Well, you're just staying
at the hospital overnight,

- so probably just one. - You're right.
I better bring both.

- George.
- Oh, very good.

- Oh hi.
- Hi.

- Donna, that's Jonathan. - Oh.
Oh oh, it's so nice to meet you.

George talks about you
all the time.

I'm so sorry about
your career struggles.

- Don't...
- Right.

I just want to thank you
for taking care of George

and his prostate.

Oh, of course.
He'll be fine.

I haven't made any
surgical errors in years.

- Oh. ( Chuckles ) - I'd better get going.
My first surgery's at 10:00.

Okay.

( Both moan )

So nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too,
Dr. Kenwood.

- She seems great.
- Yeah, she's lovely.

You all right, George?
How are you feeling?

To be honest,
I'm a little upset.

The way I see it,
I have two options:

One, I come out of this
impotent and incontinent;

Or two, I die under anesthesia.

Oh no, please, George, you have
to visualize a perfect recovery...

beautiful strong erections,

vitality, controlled urination.

You're absolutely right.

All right, just tell me
what's going on with you.

The best positive
thinking in life

is thinking of others.

So what's happening?

Distract me.

Well, I finished my story
for "The New Yorker" contest.

- I mailed it in this morning.
- Tell me the opening lines.

I love opening lines.

"In Harry's hand,
the gun looked like a toy.

The gun was big,
but his hand was bigger."

- ( Phone rings )
- I like that.

- Very hardboiled.
- Sorry.

- Hello. - Woman: Are you the
person looking for little Ray?"

Yes, I am.

Yeah, that's the one.

Cute little thing.
Beautiful eyes.

That's what I thought.
I love his eyes.

They remind me of my nat.
That's why I wanted him.

- Nat was your dog?
- No, my husband.

He died at the deli last year.

Went for some half-and-half
for my coffee, never came back.

I should've just
drank it black.

I'm sorry.

You kind of have
his build, you know?

Ha. That's what I liked
when I was younger...

feel a man's weight.

It helps you forget
your troubles.

That's right. A lot of women today,
they don't appreciate heft.

So about little Ray.

- Where did you see him?
- The nevins street dog man

brought him here yesterday.

He's a pooch peddler,

mostly little dogs.
He knew I was looking for one

because nat passed on,

but he wanted too much money.

- That must be the guy
who called leah. - Yeah.

- How much did he want?
- $200. Yeah.

Then I was up at park slope,
you know, where it's fancy?

That's where I saw your flier.

I went to see my daughter.

She lives very nice...

married to a Jewish lawyer.

- Are you Jewish?
- Yes.

Good.
Steady income is nice.

Right right.

So where can we find
this nevins street dog man?

Well, he's not called the
Carol street dog man, is he?

( Chuckles ) That's right.

( Giggles )

Well hello,
Mr. Christiansen.

- It's Christopher.
- Oh my God, you brought a lot of baggage.

When I get nervous I overpack.

Do you think
I brought too much?

Yes, but it's okay.

So you've had no liquids
or food since last night?

Nothing.

Actually, you know,
I did brush my teeth

and some water may have
seeped down my throat.

Should we reschedule?
I know I swallowed some toothpaste.

Why don't I call
Dr. Kenwood?

It's okay.
Toothpaste is fine.

So strip down and I'll be back
to shave your pubic zone.

What? Nobody said anything
about shaving down there.

No... oh God.

Oh, that's not fair.

( Dogs barking )

There's little Ray.
Hi!

Jonathan: This explains all the
missing dog posters we saw.

I think I have my next story...

"the nevins street dog man"...

a Harry Parker mystery.

His picture doesn't
do him any justice.

He has a strange forehead,
but that's a good-looking dog.

- Hi!
- It's locked.

Well, we'll get
some bolt cutters

and we'll free little Ray.

Right. And these
other guys too.

- Tch tch tch. - I recognize
most of them from the posters.

There's mochi,
tulip, Mr. Chow.

You really like
little Ray, don't you?

Yeah.

He's like
a dog version of a son.

His mother is
the woman that I love

and we have the same name.

Right.

We'll be back, little Ray.

Lift up your gown, please.

Uh, before we start,

for some reason my old coloring
has held true down there.

Um, will it
grow back like that?

It's just nice to hold on to
one's youth any way you can.

I don't know.

I never had
a patient come back.

( Buzzing )

This is the best case
we've ever worked.

I thought you hated my cases.

I do, but this one's different.

This is my opening
to win leah back.

You really do want
her back, don't you?

Of course I do.

Ray, there's something
I need to tell you.

Oh God, I hate
when you do this.

It's like forcing a man
to look up at the guillotine.

Go ahead and chop my head off with
whatever weird thing you need to say.

Okay.
I feel terrible,

but yesterday
I almost kissed leah.

Ray, I'm sorry!

Raymond!

- ( Panting )
- Ray.

Wait, listen.

I just leaned towards her.
It was only a lean.

And she would've
rejected me anyway.

Of course she would've rejected you,
but why did you try to kiss her?

She just seemed
so sad about the dog.

- Maybe I wanted to kiss her on your behalf.
- That's bullshit.

Ray, I'm sorry if I hurt you.
Please forgive me.

Well, I banged Suzanne.

- You did?
- No.

Of course not.
I didn't bang Suzanne.

I wanted to.
I wanted to bang all your girlfriends.

I wish you had.

You can if you want to.

Well, you didn't actually
kiss her and I understand.

Leah's the most beautiful
girl in the world, so...

Let's just forget about it.

Forgetting, forgotten.
Forgotted!

Don't push it
with the wordplay.

I've missed you.

I've missed you.

I always miss you.

Why don't we ever
work things out?

I guess we're like children...

that thing we can't reach
is the thing we want.

Why don't you crawl on up here?

They shaved my pubic zone.

I would've liked
to have done that for you.

Oh God, look at you.

- Oh.
- ( Both laugh )

I am so glad that possibly

the last erection of my life

is with you.

I guess that's your line
with all the girls.

It sounded so sincere
this morning.

Dr. Kenwood,
this is not what...

what you think.

- This is, uh... This is, uh...
- Priscilla.

Priscilla
my ex-wife.

And we were just snuggling
for old times' sake.

That's all, nothing more.

Priscilla, this is my doctor.

Nice to meet you.
Yes.

- Well, I'll see you at 6:00 P.M....
- Mm-hmm.

...But you'll be under
so you won't see me.

It should all go well, I hope.

You hope?

Donna...
Donna?

Are you sleeping
with your doctor?

Well, she is a urologist.

( Dogs barking )

Is that bastard feeding them cat food?
That is so low.

We're just gonna have to wait
here and then we'll bust 'em out.

Shit.
I don't know if I've got time.

George's surgery's
in two hours.

I said I'd see him
before he went in.

- Maybe we can come back tonight.
- No, it's too risky.

We've got to wait this out.
Something could happen.

- But I can't miss the surgery.
- You go take care of George.

- I'll take care of little Ray.
- Are you sure?

- You're okay on your own?
- Yes.

I'm good with bolt cutters.

I've never used them before
but they feel like scissors.

Okay. I'll call you
when I'm done.

And Ray, I'm sorry about...

I've forgotten about it, okay?

But just know one day,

- I'm gonna almost kiss somebody
that you love. - Right.

Tell George that I'm rooting
for him, all right?

- I'm going to pray for his cock.
- That'll mean a lot to George.

Do you have to ruin everything?
Go.

I'm just glad

that possibly my last
erection in life is with you.

Did you really use the
same line with both women?

Yes.
And I meant it each time.

Oh my God.
You don't think that Donna

will take it out on me on the
operating table, do you?

I don't know.
I would hope not.

Oh God, I'm such an idiot.

Well, one good thing... if I die,
I can't get any stupider.

George, you're not stupid.

Yes, I am.
I'm 62 years old

and I'm still just
utterly confused

- about everything.
- Like what?

Myself, women, men,
life in general.

I guess that's it.

Well, you have covered
all the bases.

Well, I do like to be thorough.

- ( Door opens )
- Mr. Christiansen, sweetie,

I'll be back in a second with a
chair to take you to surgery.

Thank you, dear.

- "Christiansen"?
- I don't know.

She's been getting it
wrong all day.

Everybody does, actually,
ever since I was a kid.

She's very nice.
She shaved my pubic area.

Had a nice soft touch.

George,

I just want you
to know that, um,

well, I love you.

Okay, good-looking,
in you go.

( Wheelchair rattles )

( Clears throat )

Is this your son?

Yes.

Your dad'll be okay.
I promise.

George. I'll be here
when you get back.

I know.

( Sighs )

( Dogs barking )

I'll tell you
who let the dogs out.

Oh my God.

They've got the wrong George.

( Music playing )

- ( Barking )
- ♪ The enemy is everywhere ♪

- ♪ the enemy is everywhere...
♪ - Hey, what the fuck?!

♪ The enemy is
everywhere ♪

♪ the enemy
is everywhere ♪

♪ nobody seems to be
willing to care ♪

♪ the enemy
is everywhere... ♪

- Stop!
- ( Music stops )

( Music resumes )
♪ the enemy is everywhere ♪

♪ the enemy
is everywhere... ♪

- I'm gonna kill you!
- Fuck you, dog snatcher!

Mush mush!

♪ Nobody seems to be
willing to care ♪

♪ the enemy
is everywhere... ♪

- Stop!
- ( Music stops )

Sorry.
I'm sorry.

( Music resumes )

Hey, slow down!

Hey hey, come back here!

♪ The enemy
is everywhere ♪

♪ the enemy is
everywhere... ♪

( grunts )

Ow, that hurt, you fat fuck!

Fuck you!
I've lost weight!

Mush mush!

Go, little Ray.

♪ The enemy
is everywhere ♪

♪ the enemy is
everywhere ♪

♪ the enemy
is everywhere. ♪

He doesn't live in Queens!

- Stop!
- Grab him!

What?
Queens?

( Barking )

Oh my God.
Ray.

Mommy, look!
Little Ray's back!

All right, let's go inside.

- I don't understand.
- Jonathan asked me to help on the case

so I did.

They've missed him
so much. Thank you.

Yeah, I'll bet
he's happy to be home.

Mom, little Ray
already peed on the floor.

And now he's going
number two!

I really like that little guy.

Well, I should probably
go clean that up.

Okay.

It was really nice seeing you.

You look great, big Ray.

So do you, big leah.

Thanks for saving little Ray.

- Okay.
- I'll see you later.

See you later.

All right, guys.
That went pretty well, I think.

I've got a lot
of calls to make.

What's that?
You don't like cat food?

Well, you know what?
If you heat it up, it ain't that bad.

All right.
Here we go, here we go.

So it was a real
Mexican standoff.

Donna broke up with me
because of Priscilla.

Then I broke up with Donna because of
her office's grievous clerical error.

This whole thing is so insane.

I know. I have
to rethink everything.

I do want to thank you,
though, for saving me.

Oh my God.
I'm so glad I still have a prostate.

- Of course, George.
- I guess I could sue, right?

But for what?
Loss of pubic hair?

Truth of the matter is this is
the best I've felt in years.

There's nothing like finding
out you don't have cancer.

This should happen more often.

Poor George Christiansen
when he finds out.

Oh my God.
I hadn't even considered that.

Well, I guess I could write
him a thank-you note.

Would that be appropriate?

♪ they came over
one by one ♪

♪ if only just to see ♪

♪ and I don't know
how happiness ♪

♪ gets hidden
in the wilderness ♪

♪ I'm leaving
in the morning ♪

♪ with my paddle
and my lime. ♪

( vocalizing )