Bored to Death (2009–2011): Season 2, Episode 2 - Make it Quick, Fitzgerald! - full transcript

♪ All the shadows in the city ♪

♪ used to love you,
what a pity ♪

♪ I miss the questions
you used to ask me ♪

♪ bored to death,
cut, mad and lonely ♪

♪ bored to death, cut,
mad and lonely ♪

- ( coughs )
- ♪ Bored to death ♪

♪ cut, mad and lonely. ♪

( whistle blows )

( Phone ringing )

I got maker's mark, bushmills.
What do you want, handsome?

Nothing, thank you.
I'm fine.



So just how long you been
a private dick on the side?

Only a few months.

I know it's strange but it's
kind of my way to help people.

It's good because
I want you to help me.

I think my wife's been
having an affair on the side.

She's been suppressing
a smile for weeks.

I want you to figure out
what's going on.

I don't know
if I feel comfortable.

Louis showed me
your ad in Craigslist.

It said your rates are quite fair.
How much do you charge?

A hundred a day plus expenses.

- How does 500 sound?
- Mr. Antrem.

Deal.
Keep the clip and come on...

it's Richard.



- Well, I could use the money.
- Good!

So listen, I got it all figured
it out how we're gonna do this.

Tomorrow night I told her
I'm going out of town.

She's got pilates at 7:00.

I want you to plant yourself
in my closet in our bedroom.

- What, why?
- So you can see who she's fucking.

If there's any action, you
text me, I'll be right over.

I've got room at the
harbor club for the night.

I don't know.
Sounds risky.

Oh, come on!
It's a snap.

If she's not screwing anybody, she's
taking two Ambien every night.

She'll be dead to the world.
You'll sneak right out of there.

Maybe you should hire a
more experienced Detective.

Listen, George is an idiot,

but his one decent trait...

he surrounds himself
with good people,

so I trust you intrinsically
and I want you for this job.

Okay, I'll take the case.

So how is George anyway?

- He's good... - You know what
I can't stand about him?

Whatever you're doing
he wants to do.

Whatever you've got, he wants.
You ever notice that?

- Yeah.
- He's just a big

narcissistic
nipple-sucking infant,

you know?

- George, give me that titty.
- Richard!

Oh, Louis.

You remember your old
boxing opponent Jonathan?

- Hello, Louis. - Hello, Jonathan.
I heard your novel was rejected.

- Yes, but... - No wonder
you're on the casting couch.

You're looking for work. There's a position
in the mailroom if you're interested.

- What are you talking about?
- Don't be so fey, Louis.

Could you come back
in 10 minutes, please?

Jonathan and I are finishing up
some very important business.

I'm so sorry.
He's very possessive in his own way.

His father was
a child psychologist;

made him sleep in a box.
I think it aged him prematurely.

Oh, I didn't know.

If George knew I was working
for Antrem, he'd be really hurt,

but I need the money.

- George will never know.
- I hope not,

but I still feel guilty.

It's just too bad that Antrem
doesn't trust his wife.

They should just have
an open relationship.

Monogamy sucks!
It never works.

Didn't know that you
felt that way.

Do you have an open mind
about relationships?

Yes, I have an open mind.

Well, I'd like our relationship to be...
open.

A lot of people
at the food club

are experimenting with polyamory
and I want us to try it.

What? I can't just
go from an open mind

to an open relationship.

We need to talk about this
for months and never act on it.

Jonathan, I realize that this
is coming out of the blue,

but I want to see other people.

Wait, wait a second.
Wha-wha... what brought this on?

I thought you were
happy with me.

We found your g-spot
and everything.

I know. I know.

My first love has
come back to Brooklyn

and he's the other person
I want to see,

but I also don't want
to lose you.

I-I can't believe this.
Who's this first love?

His name is Warren.
We went to bard together.

- Well, he's agreed to it.
- You checked with him before me?!

I just want us all to have

an overnight group cuddle

just so that we can see
how we all get along.

God, Stella, a sleepover?

It'll be fun.
You'll like Warren.

He's a struggling comedian.

You guys have a lot in common.

- Because I'm struggling?
- No!

Because he's funny
and sweet like you.

No, I will not have a three-way
cuddle with a struggling comedian.

Come on, Jonathan,
you're a writer.

Henry Miller
would have done it.

You can be my Henry Miller.

I do like Henry Miller.

But wait, if I'm Henry Miller

then who's Warren?

He'll be...

- Bukowski.
- I wanna be Bukowski.

Okay, you are Bukowski.

I always loved Bukowski.

- Hi, I'm Dr. Kenwood.
- Oh.

Uh, George Christopher.

Where's Dr. Rebonowitz?

Oh, he retired. I've taken over his practice.
We sent out an email.

I didn't get it, I guess.

- I'm on AOL.
- Sorry.

So what brings you to me today?

Uh...

Well, I've had this
terrific pain.

It's like one of those,
uh, little piranhas

got inside of my penis.

What do you think would
cause such a thing?

Off the top of my head
I would say urethral scarring.

What?
Oh my God, why...

- Why would I have scarring?
- A long active sex life.

Does that apply to you?

Well, I've always admired
the French lifestyle,

- if you know what I mean?
- Yes, I understand.

All right, feet up.

Look at those.

Is that really necessary?

Sometimes.

Also it's good for spotting
tiny venereal warts.

Oh God.

You know, I don't recall
Dr. Rebonowitz having stirrups.

- Is this something new?
- Yes, it's my own innovation.

I thought of it when
I was at the gynecologist.

This way when I finger your
prostate I can see your face

and gauge your reaction.
Makes me a better and more effective doctor.

Is it strange as
a female urologist

to deal with men?

No, I've always been intrigued
with the male anatomy.

As a girl I loved horses.

Right.

- Okay.
- So, uh,

how are we doing down there?

So far so good.

But you have bed bugs.

- What? - Didn't you notice
the little red bites?

Oh, I thought that was chafing.

Oh God, this is
so embarrassing.

Not at all, the whole city's
infected with bedbugs.

Bloomberg probably has them.

You're gonna need to bomb
your apartment.

Oh lord.

My fingers are gonna
feel a little cold.

How does that feel?

It feels comforting actually.

Hmm.

( Door opens )

( Door closes )

( Laughing )

( Moaning )

Priscilla:
Oh, come on!

George: All right,
just hold on.

I got it, I got it.

( Panting, moaning )

Just put it in me now.
I can't wait!

- George: Do you feel filled up?
- Yes yes.

What's my name?
I want to hear you say it.

- Priscilla: Nosferatu.
- No, you forgot to say "great."

- The great Nosferatu.
- Sorry, dear.

All right,
do it again.

Jonathan: George left at midnight.
Then she took two Ambien.

It was one of the worst
nights of my life.

Does George have a nice ass?

It... it was very white.

It figures. I still don't
understand why he's having

an affair
with his ex-wife

it's like a waste of a divorce.

I don't understand why he didn't
tell me he was seeing Priscilla.

Why?
I don't tell you everything.

- You don't?
- No.

Oh, yes yes yes yes.

Look at this.

My new drawing.

The origin of super ray.

- So this is how he gets his powers?
- Yeah.

Walks down the street
with his fly undone,

falls through a subway grate,

hits his cock
on the third rail,

and it becomes a God.

So the third rail
is to his cock

what the spider bite
was to Peter Parker?

Yeah, but this is
on a higher level.

That's the general idea, yeah.

Plus when Leah sees
the quality of my new work,

she'll want me back.

You know, I don't know
if that's gonna do the trick.

I mean, she never
really liked comics.

It'll work, okay?
I made a mix CD also.

And between the mix CD
and the book,

she'll know how much
I love her.

When did you start
using that pipe?

Uh, a couple of weeks ago,

right after Leah sent
my heart to Darfur.

Corn-cob pipe gets
you more stoned,

plus it makes me
look like a sea Captain.

I don't know what's worse...
Leah breaking up with you

or Stella forcing me into bed
with her old boyfriend.

But if you don't do it,
you'll lose her

just like I lost Leah.

I'm a chest of drawers.

This drawer

right here has been removed.

Sorry, ray.

It's okay.

I'll win her back.
I have to.

I can't believe
you were in the closet.

I can't believe I had to listen
to you make love for 10 minutes.

10... it was longer
than 10 minutes.

Thank you. This is the best
part about having bedbugs.

I may never move back to my apartment.

You know the maritime
is a beautiful hotel,

but the meat-packing district
really has become...

- Los Angeles.
- So how was I last night in bed?

- Do I still got it?
- I don't know, George.

- I never saw you have sex before.
- True true.

But Priscilla, God, she's
beautiful isn't she?

Yeah, of course she's lovely,

but what was all that
Nosferatu business?

Oh.
( Chuckles )

We like to do vampire role-play.
It's always been our thing.

- God, is everyone into vampires?
- It seems that way.

Oh, what's that?

Two poached eggs
and an avocado.

You know, avocado is the fish of
vegetables... a lot of omega-3.

Oh, I want that.
Can we switch?

This looks like very
very nice oatmeal.

All right, fine.
Never mind.

What the hell were you thinking
letting Antrem hire you?

He was very pushy
and I needed the money.

So very strange.
I mean I've had people watch, you know,

back in the '70s
at Plato's retreat,

but not when I didn't know.

Well, you better call it quits.
I covered for you.

Why?
What exactly did you say

to that pompous, bloated toad?

I told him she was alone, but
he wants me back in the closet.

- Tomorrow night I'll be
back in there. - Fine.

- Wednesday night.
- No, George, today is Wednesday.

Oh, right right.

George, why are you having an
affair with your ex-wife?

Because I've never fallen
out of love with her.

Are you sure
you don't wanna switch?

Oh, of course you do.
Come on, come on.

Oh, this is gonna be fun.

Ah, bon appétit.

Let's have a toast

to my two favorite men
in the world.

To my favorite girl
in the world.

Mine too.

You know, if you guys
just randomly met,

you would be friends.
You know what I mean?

- Sure, baby.
- ( Softly ) "Baby."

Just trying to keep it
symmetrical, you know.

I'm gonna go light
some candles in the bedroom

and get everything
all ready, okay?

Sure, sweetie, sure.

Oh, she's so sexy, isn't she?

Yeah, I love that ass.
Doggy-style with her, right?

- Listen...
- Yeah yeah,

you're probably right.
No locker-room talk.

So before we go to bed
I should know

- are you bi or what?
- I don't think so.

A camp counselor once fondled me
inappropriately, but that's about it.

- Are you bi?
- I don't know.

When I was 13, my best friend used
to put on his mom's wig and blow me.

- Does that count?
- Maybe?

- Yeah, whatever. So you're a writer?
- Yes, I've written one novel.

Stella told me that your
second novel was rejected.

- She did. Well... - Does that make
you feel like a one-hit wonder?

Even though your one hit
wasn't really that big.

Actually my first novel
was very well received.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Because I read a review
of your novel by Louis green.

- Well, that guy's very biased.
- You're kind of a weak sister, aren't you?

What the hell is that
supposed to mean?

Everything's ready. Do you guys wanna
come in and smoke some pot?

( Slaps )
Let's do this, little man.

( Giggles )

You know, I really wanna thank
you guys for doing this.

I feel really loved right now.

Oh, I'm happy too, baby.

Do you think that we could rotate
the spooning in a little while

so that I'm behind you, Stella?
I think that's fair.

This is my apartment.

- That's fine with me.
- No problem.

But can you pull the plug on
that little kiddy nightlight?

I like total darkness.
My circadian rhythms get all messed up.

( Urinating )

( Toilet flushes )

You know what?
I'm ready for more than cuddling.

It was frightening.

It was... it was like
an elephant tusk.

I'm sorry you had to see that.

I think I may have the
smallest penis in the world.

I mean, first George,
which was bad enough,

but then Warren
makes George look tiny.

But you're just comparing
yourself to those two.

- You don't have a small
penis, do you? - I do!

I've been looking at it all morning.
I can't even see it.

It's like I'm on top of the empire
state building and my penis is an ant.

- You need to go to a doctor for something like that.
- Maybe, I don't know.

I'm just really
going crazy right now.

I'm committing menticide.

- Menticide, what's that?
- My brain is attacking itself.

Look...

Can you please look at my penis
and tell me I'm an adult male?

No!
What, are you nuts?

Come on, Hemingway checked Fitzgerald
when he went through a crisis like this.

He wrote about it
in "a movable feast."

I'm your friend, but I'm not
gonna look at your cock.

I don't care what
Hemingway wrote.

Please?

- What, here?
- Yes.

- Now?
- Yes please.

Okay.
Pull it out.

- Well, I mean, not here here.
- Where do you want to do it?

Because I'm not going to an alley.
I'm not gonna fall for that again.

Make it quick, Fitzgerald.

I really appreciate
you doing this.

You're fucking crazy.
You're perfectly normal.

- Really, you think so?
- Yeah, look at this.

Oh my God, what is that?

I have a long foreskin.
Not everybody in New York is Jewish, you know.

( Exhales )

( Door opens )

( Growls, laughing )

Not again!

Okay, go down on me first.
Get me ready.

Oh God, I love
licking your armpit.

Oh George.

- ( Moaning )
- ( Phone vibrates )

Don't put your tongue in there.
I'll come.

Oh, no no no, George.

No no, George, no.

( Loud moaning )

- ( Screaming )
- ( Phone vibrates )

( Priscilla whimpers )

I saw the color Violet
when I came.

I saw
the color orange.

- ( Phone rings )
- ( Groans )

I forgot to turn my phone off.
I'm sorry.

I won't answer it.

George, I'm in the closet
and I need to come out!

I'll give you two minutes to get
decent and then I'm coming out.

It's an emergency.

What?

You remember Jonathan, right?

( Beeps ) This is Leah.
Please leave a message.

You can come out now.

George, I told you I was gonna
be in here on Thursday night.

You knew he was
gonna be in there?

I thought he was gonna
be in there Wednesday night.

And it's not my fault.
Richard hired him.

How could you forget
which night?

I don't know. You know, I got
that vaporizer you told me about.

I think my short-term memory
is going and my long term.

We gotta go.
Antrem's gonna be back soon.

- This is the most humiliating experience of my life.
- Sweetheart, come on.

- Oh, just shut up.
- ( Door closes )

Antrem: Sweee, my
flight got canceled!

Oh shit.

What are we gonna do?

Leah?
( Knocks )

- Leah?
- Who are you?

- Who the fuck are you?
- Leah, call 911.

Some nut has broken
into the house.

Some nut? I'm her boyfriend,
you fucking asshole!

I thought you guys broke up.

- Irwin?
- Here.

Ray?
What's going on?!

Priscilla?

I have something terrible
to confess to you.

I thought that you were
cheating on me

so I hired a private Detective.

Jonathan, you can come
out of the closet now.

Hello, Richard.

Ray, stop.
Irwin, come back.

- I'm so sorry.
- That's all right.

I'll just go home.
Thank you for a beautiful evening.

Shut up, asshole.
You have a small cock.

Because I'm frightened.
I'll call you tomorrow, Leah.

Shut up.

I can't believe this, ray.
Why are you here?

Because I love you.

What?
What did you say?

I can't believe it.
It's only been three weeks and you do this?

I'm sorry. He's just a guy I met.
I don't wanna hurt you.

You're my best friend.

( Sobbing )

You're cheating on me with him?

How could you do that to me?
You know that I love you.

Richard, I'm sorry.

- But why? - Because I could
pretend that I was in the past

when George and I were married,

when I was young.

Oh, r-Richard.
Don't be mad at Priscilla, please.

It's my fault. I mean, yes,
we have an amorph...

shut up, you old queen.

And you? I thought
you were my new friend.

Uh...

- I'm sorry, Richard.
- Me too.

Priscilla: I'd like all of you
idiots out of the house.

Want to get a drink?

Sure.

( siren warbles )

♪ Blue canary in the outlet
by the light switch ♪

♪ who watches over you ♪

♪ make a little birdhouse
in your soul ♪

♪ not to put too fine
a point on it ♪

♪ say I'm the only bee
in your bonnet ♪

♪ make a little birdhouse
in your soul ♪

♪ and while you're at it ♪

♪ leave the night light on inside
the birdhouse in your soul ♪

♪ not to put too fine
a point on it ♪

♪ say I'm the only bee
in your bonnet ♪

♪ make a little birdhouse
in your soul ♪

- ♪ blue canary in the outlet by the
light switch ♪ - ♪ While you're at it ♪

- ♪ who watches over you ♪ - ♪ Leave the
night light on inside the birdhouse ♪

♪ make a little birdhouse
in your soul ♪

♪ not to put too fine
a point on it ♪

♪ say I'm the only bee
in your bonnet ♪

♪ make a little birdhouse
in your soul ♪

- ♪ blue canary in the outlet by the light
switch ♪ - ♪ And while you're at it ♪

- ♪ who watches over you ♪ - ♪ Leave the
night light on inside the birdhouse ♪

♪ make a little birdhouse
in your soul. ♪