Bored to Death (2009–2011): Season 1, Episode 8 - Take a Dive - full transcript

Don't both of you think this whole fight thing
between two magazines

- is a bit ridiculous?
Well

Yes, but it's good publicity,
especially in today's market

And from what I can understand,
George's magazine can really use the ink

I agree Our whole fight is inane

I'm doing this because
Richard challenged me

and, as a gentleman, I accepted

But Richard challenged you
because you wrote,

among other things,
that he had the penis of a hermaphrodite

That was sloppy journalism

I do want to apologise



to any hermaphrodites

who may have been insulted
by an unflattering comparison

(Bell dings)

So why are you two fighting?

Richard's my boss and he said I had to

For a team to win in a match like this,
it has to be best two out of three,

and he said that we needed
a cartoonist on our side

since Ray is a cartoonist

I I really love your comics, by the way

Oh, thank you
(Bell dings)

They say that the pen
is mightier than the sword,

but when we meet in the ring
my fist will be mightier than my pen

I wish your pen were mightier
than your fist, Jonathan,

but your honest assessment of your talent
is quite commendable and appreciated



Cheers
(Bell dings)

I'm looking forward to being punched

I've never actually practiced S and M,
but I've always wanted to

and, you know, this seems like
a really good opportunity

Especially since I'll be hit
by someone whose work I admire

- (Bell dings)
I think that a homoerotic subtext

is precisely what this fight
needs to make it more lively

Oh, I'm sorry to put you
on the spot, Mrs Antrem,

but you've been married
to both of these gentlemen

What do you think of all this?
I think the whole thing is absurd

I don't want either of them getting hurt

Hands up all the time

The guy you're fighting is tall
Remember, you've got to make a sandwich

Your hands are the bread.
Your head is the meat

Protect the meat
OK, Sal, thank you

Bread, meat (Grunts)

I've really been fantasising
about beating Louis Greene

He's been rude to me
one too many times

Yeah, I have nothing against
the weirdo that I'm boxing,

but I look forward to
kicking his ass, you know?

I keep having this daydream
that if I win I get Priscilla back

Why'd you ever lose her anyway?

She was like a cat

She'd never come to me
when I wanted her to

That's why I like dogs

But when she did come to me,
I mean, it was magnificent

She was highly orgasmic

When she sees what I do
to Antrem in the ring, yeah,

she'll be reminded of
what it's like to be in bed with me

(Grunting and yelping)

(Gasping)

That's how you make love?

(Yelps)

(Phone)

Hello
Hey, it's Stella

We met a few weeks ago at the co op
Yeah, hi How are you?

I'm good Um (Chuckles)

And, I don't know,
I was thinking about you

and I was wondering
if you wanted to hang out tonight

Um, I'm supposed to be
working on my novel

Well, I got this really good pot,

medical marijuana from California

It could help with your writing

(* Freelance Whales: Kilojoules)

Why don't you have shelves?

My girl... my ex-girlfriend took them
with her when she moved out

Mm

Why don't you build some?
I'm not very mechanical

I could build them for you
Really?

Yeah I used to work for
Habitat for Humanity

- You did?
Mm hm

Oh, well, I'm human

Let's play I never miss
when I'm stoned,

or it's like I don't care if I do
(Snarling)

Come on
Let's go

- What?
Game on

What's the name of your basketball team?
The, uh, In Your Face What's yours?

The Kicking Your Butts
Oh, you are? That's weird

It's kind of a stupid name
for a team that doesn't do that

Oh really? Argh!
(Thump)

- Are you all right?
I'm fine Where's the ball?

(Typing)

(Phone)

- Hello.
Is this Jonathan Ames?

Yes Who's this?

It's not important who it is

What is important is that you take a dive

- in your fight with Louis Greene, or else.
Or else what?

Or else we'll make George Christopher the
laughing stock of the publishing world

and maybe even the magazine world too

What are you talking about?
I'm talking about you taking a dive, Ames

All right? I've got to go Bye

Hello? Hello?

Well, that's a weird phone call
Probably one of your disturbed friends

You're my only disturbed friend
who'd do something like that

Don't mention it to George
I don't want to upset him

Are you going to do anything about it?
Nothing to do It's gotta be a prank

Let me get you guys wrapped

I had a really nice time with Stella last night

She's the first girl since Suzanne
I kind of have feelings for

Did you at least bang her?
Yeah, did you bang her?

No, it was like a real date

We played nerf basketball,
listened to music

We didn't even kiss
What, are you in the fifth grade?

I lost my virginity in the fifth grade

- What was his name?
Father Francis

(* The Jimmy Castor Bunch: It's Just Begun)

I'm going to kick your ass, Antrem

You're an idiot, a fool, a slob

I can't stand you
You should never have married my ex wife

All right, George, you're gonna
shoot your whole wad

Save it for tomorrow night
Yeah, you're right Thanks

(* Ursula 1000: Got Cha)

OK, stop Stop

Stop (Wheezing)

Hey, I want to thank both of you

for supporting me in this whole thing

I know it's delusional behaviour,
but it's important to me

I like being delusional
- Yeah, me too.

We're delusional together

Thank you

We're going to kick some
major GQ ass tomorrow

I can feel it
I just hope I don't get a brain injury

What is that, a bridge?

(Phone)

Hello
Hey

Practicing for your dive tomorrow night?

Why should I?
Because I have something you want

What are you talking about?
I have a Viagra bottle

The name on it, George Christopher

He's been on this stuff since 1997

Plenty of refills

How did you get that?
Hey, you know what? Shut up

Here's the drill You're going
to take a dive in your fight tomorrow,

or else this bottle's going to Page Six

and Christopher, the so called ladies' man,
is going to be humiliated

All right Got to go Hanging up

(Laughter on TV)

- What the fuck?
I'm Jonathan Ames

Get the fuck out of here

- What the hell is that thing?
You don't want to find out

Where's the Viagra bottle?

Hey, I don't know what you're
talking about, asshole

- Come on, man.
Settle down

Shit, how did you find me?
You called from your home phone

Amateur
Hey, I'm not a fucking amateur

Where did you get the Viagra?

You can't make me talk

This thing picks locks
It also does a nice job on eardrums

I got it from George Christopher's dumpster

You're not smart enough to mastermind
a job like this Who put you up to it?

You know what?
I'm a lot of things, but I ain't no rat

- (Clicks)
Louis Greene

Hey, wait, wait

Don't tell Greene
I screwed this up, all right?

He'll be pissed off
And he's supposed to give me $200

You want to make that kind of money?

Bet on Ames

(* Raphael Saadiq: Love That Girl)

(Phone)

Hello

Oh my God, really?

No, uh, yeah, send her up

Priscilla, I am so happy to see you

- Hello, George.
Come in

Come in Come in
(Laughs)

(Sighs)

(Phone)
(Groans)

Hello
It's Stella What are you doing?

Trying to write My book's due tomorrow
and now I've got 47,000 words left to go

Also I have a boxing match tomorrow
I'm losing my mind

Oh, shit. I won't bug you then.
We'll do it another time

The vaporiser I ordered finally arrived today

(Whirring)
(Both chuckle)

(* Glass Ghost: Like A Diamond)

Just squeeze down on that nipple
and suck in the marijuana vapour

It's like I've been instantly
and beautifully lobotomised

I know

And it's healthy because it's invisible vapour

Um
Ugh

(Both giggle)

Your apartment is beautiful

Oh, thank you

It's a little cold, though, isn't it?

I mean, I sort of float around here
trying not to make a mess,

almost like it's someone else's home

George, I've come here
to talk to you about something

Your fight tomorrow
Can we can we talk about the past first?

I have no filters My frontal lobes
may be going, but I have to say immediately

that I haven't stopped
thinking about you for 20 years

and that you look very beautiful
George

I'm really glad that you could hang out

There was this pollen in the air today
that smelled like kissing

Do you know that smell?

Yeah I love that smell

Mm

Do you remember
our little apartment on West 11th

with the curtains by the window?

Yes, of course I remember

Do you still like to role play Nosferatu?

(Chuckles)

Cos every couple of months,

I I have this recurring dream,

where I'm in the curtains, hiding,

and that I'm that I'm kissing your neck

George, I don't want you
to fight Richard tomorrow

What? What

I can't back out I'd be humiliated
He challenged me

He would never tell you,
but he has a heart condition

He shouldn't exert himself

- Well, what do you want me to do?
Just let him win

What do you call it? You know

take a dive

Wait, going back, when you say that he, uh

can't exert himself, does that mean

Yes, we haven't had sex in two years

I'm sorry, I'm sorry

Mm

Oh, God

I'm married

Oh, God
Oh, George

Oh! Oh!
George!

I think I'm still coming

My whole body is vibrating
like a tuning fork

I'm glad

I'm not vibrating, but I do feel really good

Why couldn't you write your novel?

I don't know I just wasn't into it

I don't mean to give you advice,

but my writing teacher said

that you should only write about what you love

I'm not a writer,
but that's what I try to do when I paint

Hm

What do you love?

I love being a part time private detective

I actually solved a case today

Then that's what you should write about

Want to vaporise some more pot?

I want to vaporise you

(* Christina Courtin: Hedonistic Paradise)

That was lovely, George

I know

Thank you for being so sweet to me

It's not hard to be sweet to you

I think that we've entered a third act,

despite what Fitzgerald says about
there being no second acts in life

We were married,

divorced,

and now lovers

Will you throw the fight?

(Jonathan) Actually,
I kind of like this girl Stella

She's sexy as hell, smart, Jewish,
has a great vaporiser

Sounds like your mother
I'd like to try a vaporiser

Do you think I blew it by having sex?
Do you think I'll lose to Greene?

Sal said we weren't supposed
to drink or have sex before the fight

I want to do what Sal says
- Well, I had sex and booze.

Who did you have sex with?
I can't really say, but I have no regrets

It's the first time I haven't had
to use Viagra in years

Oh, look, it's the losing team

We're not supposed
to see each other till the fight

What, is this a wedding?
I can't see you in your dress?

Don't be such a frail plant, George
Save it for the ring

Hoo!
(Groans)

Hi, Ray

Hey, Jonathan Many fighters choose
to listen to music before a fight

It gets them pumped up
I've chosen to listen to your audio book

I find it properly enraging, so thank you

I have the Viagra bottle, Louis
That was a dirty trick you tried to pull

You don't read much Machiavelli,
do you, Jonathan?

There are no dirty tricks,
just winning and losing

Don't worry, I'm prepared to beat you
even playing by the rules Hah

(Laughing)

(Crowd cheering) GQ! GQ!

Edition! Edition!
- GQ! GQ!

(* Law Of The Least Effort: Lobby Call)

Are you going to be all right?
Not to worry I'm fighting a masochist

He'll be OK

OK, look, I'm gonna do the old rope a dope,
just like Will Smith in Ali

I watched it last night
- You mean, like Ali?

Yeah, but I didn't see Ali,
I saw Will Smith playing Ali

Anyway, I'll exhaust this guy
by doing rope a dope

All right, champ
Let's go

Ray, kick his ass Come on Let's go!
Go, Ray!

Come on, man!
Remember, hands up Go get him

Gentlemen, I want a good, clean fight
Protect yourselves at all times Touch gloves

Hey, thanks for doing this

Represent, baby!

- Come on, Ray. Come on, baby!
Come on!

(Bell dings)

Ray!

(Both) What the fuck was that?

- I'm getting up.
Don't

Why?
Because I don't want you to get hurt

I want you in one piece tonight
...four, five...

Really?
Yes, really

eight, nine
I do love you, you know

Ten! It's over
(Bell dings)

Hey, man, get up
I didn't get hurt yet

I I didn't mean to knock you down

Oh, crap

Yeah, that's not bad

Uh, uh, uh, uh

Yeah, yeah Oh! Ooh!

Holy shit, Stella came
I didn't know she was coming

- In you go.
Huh?

Sal, I suddenly feel scared

That's normal All fighters are scared

But once you get in the ring,
you're like a god

But I'm agnostic
I'll say a prayer for you

I want a good, clean fight Touch gloves

Go to your corners At the bell, fight
(Bell dings)

(* LCD Soundsystem: Freakout)

Go, Jonathan
- Bam, boom!

Protect the meat.
Your head is the meat

Your hands, yeah

(George) Come on, come on, buddy

I'll say it again, your first novel
was amateurish at best

Well, you are a lousy critic
and a small time blackmailer

What do you know?

Come on! Yeah!
Jab, jab, jab

Do yourself and the reading public a favour

If you feel the need to write,
you can always keep a diary

You shut up!

The New York Times
said my prose was lucid!

- Yeah!
Whoo hoo hoo hoo!

Oh, God, I'm sorry
Are you all right?

Don't say you're sorry
I didn't know The Times liked your work

six, seven

I must've missed that
eight, nine, ten!

It's over
(Bell dings)

Yes! Yes! Whoo! Yeah!

(* Junkboy: Lost Parade)

You were amazing
I'm so proud of you

You want to come over tonight and celebrate?

I can't I already have
a urinary tract infection

I always get them after I have sex
I don't know why

Well, we don't have to have sex
We could just hang out

No, it would be too frustrating

We'll see each other in a week
I'll drink a ton of cranberry juice

But I have to go now,
I'm meeting some friends

You were an animal

Stella?

(* Arling And Cameron: Dirty Robot)

(Bell dings)
Come on, George

No, no low blows, that's a low blow Low blow!

- Watch those rabbit punches.
Tell him

Come on

Beautiful, beautiful

Quit holding on to me like a little schoolgirl

You're holding on to me
Everyone can see it's you holding on to me

Why are we doing this again?

You said my mouth was shaped
like the anus of a starfish

- (Bell dings)
Yes!

Yeah
Nice, George

You're destroying him
Holy shit, Edition might beat GQ

(George) I know It feels so good, man

Keep working your jab

Deep breaths, deep breaths

You've got him
(Mouths)

(Woman) Fight back!
(Bell dings)

Go, George
Stay loose, stay loose, champ

Touch gloves At the bell, fight

This is the round, George
This is your round

Come on, George

Go, George
Come on, George

You got him

George, get up
George, get up

One, two,

three, four,

five, six,

seven, eight,

nine, ten, it's over

(Bell dings)

Hah! Ah ha ha ha ha!

(Laughing)

Who's the hermaphrodite now?
Who's the hermaphrodite now?

You showed a lot of heart, George

I think I'm gonna skip out
on the post fight drinks

This whole violent thing
has turned Leah on

She wants to have sex tonight

It's the first time in weeks
That's great, Ray

Yeah, thanks Oh, there she is

You guys were great tonight

- Hm.
Huh!

What can I tell you, George?
It's life, isn't it? It's the law of the jungle

It's Darwin
Whatever you say, Richard

Huh
I'll I'll see you around campus

OK, champ? (Clicks tongue)

(Mouths)

Hey, let's get in there one more time

Thank you

Do you think we learned anything tonight?

No

But that's OK

It's good to stay in the dark about things

It keeps life interesting

George, I'm glad you're in my life

Glad you're in mine, Jonathan

Oh, yeah Oh, yeah

Come on Yeah
- Oh. Yeah, I see.

Yeah, that's what it is

Oop, I think I got the reach on you there

Yeah, that's true

But I have the lower centre of gravity

(Laughing)

It allows me to do things like this
Oh, slow down, you little bugger