Bored to Death (2009–2011): Season 1, Episode 7 - The Case of the Stolen Sperm - full transcript

(Doorbell buzzes)

Oh, hey, Ray Come on up

Oh Ow!

Sorry, sorry

Hi

Are you all right?
Not really I've got a weird situation going on

I've been calling you all morning
Sorry My phone's been off

- What's the matter? Did you fight with Leah?
No

Lisa and Michelle, the lesbians I've been
donating my sperm to, they've disappeared

I'm worried about them
Why do you think they've disappeared?

I don't know
My emails are bouncing back



Their phones are out of service
It's been going on for five days

What if they had a car accident?
Or they're in a coma?

I don't think they would both be in a coma

They do everything together

- Have you called the local hospitals?
I don't know their last names

You've been giving them
all your sperm for months

Yeah, but I'm bad with names
Well, they're probably out of town on a trip

No, they would have told me
We've become very close

Look, for years I've been jerking off purely
for medicinal reasons, like lancing a wound

But trying to have a baby with them
has given it new meaning

I understand
What if something happened to them?

What if Michelle wasn't conceiving
and they just dumped me?

I don't know
Where was the last place you saw them?

Ozzie's Cafe It's where
we did the sperm transfer



Let's go there
Why?

In detective novels you always start
where the missing person last was

- and work your way back.
OK

You sure you can take a writing break?
Yeah, I'm at a really good stopping point

Let's go

(* Lykke Li: Little Bit)

You do all the talking.
She doesn't like me

- Hi.
Hi

Can I ask you a few questions?
Who are you?

My name is Jonathan Ames
I'm a private detective

You don't look like a cop
I'm a private cop

You a security guard?
Why aren't you wearing your outfit?

Private detectives don't wear outfits, OK?
Look, do you recognise this man?

Yeah, I know him He comes in with a cooler
every few days and doesn't order anything

I'm an illustrator
I'm a little low on money right now

You ever see him with two women?
Yeah, they were nice They spent money

They also had a cooler It was weird
Why were you always carrying that thing?

I don't mean to be rude,
but I was transporting chilled semen

Shut up
You shut up

Look, the two women
you saw him with are missing

Do you know where they live?
I don't know where any of these people live

Let me ask you, if you don't know where
they live, how do you know they're missing?

- That's an excellent point.
That's not cute

- Hey.
Yeah?

I've seen them at the food co op

You have to be a member to shop there
So they'll have their address

OK Thank you That's very helpful

Sorry, it's all I got
I'm kind of a starving artist

You look like you eat all right to me

I know all the members of the co op,

and I can't place a couple
named Michelle and Lisa

But Park Slope has more lesbians
than any other city in the US

It's kind of like San Francisco, but for women

I love San Francisco
The light there is very beautiful

Shit You must have seen 'em
Michelle is large chested

Lisa is very strange
She doesn't look at you in the eye

She had those tattoos on her neck,
the circle thing with a cross going down

that stands for vaginas or women's
restrooms or something like that

You know who he's talking about, don't you?

Yeah, I know 'em I've seen that tattoo

But their names aren't Michelle or Lisa

What are their names?
Where do they live?

I'm not telling you
This is a food co op, OK?

People expect privacy.
We have ethics here

Would, uh

- $20 help you with your ethics?
Who do you think you are?

The people who work here are like family

I'm not gonna betray their trust for money

Well, I might have something else
that interests you

I like a man who carries a one hitter

(*Television Room:
Coffee Houses (House of Hassle))

I can tell that this is good stuff

because I'm kind of missing
everyone in my life right now

but I don't mind, because
it's like a beautiful sadness

That happens to me too when I'm high

I miss everyone and I love everyone

When I get high I realise
that I clench my anus

- That's not healthy.
You clench it all the time?

Yeah, but smoking helps me unclench it

See, that's why pot should be legalised

OK, I think this is what
you guys are looking for

- I've got to get back to work.
Yeah

Thank you so much
I really appreciate it

I was worried about them
We're trying to have a baby together

Yeah, thank you And if you
see them again, please give me a call

Or call me if you want
some more of this pot

The guy I deal with is very organic
and hydroponic

Thanks, yeah We should definitely
smoke again sometime

I just ordered this vaporiser The Volcano

They use it on cancer patients in Germany

Great
It's really healthy

It's what Woody Harrelson uses

(Rings doorbell)
Why would they give me false names?

I had a crush on a Michelle,
not a Margaret

That co op girl was really cute

I think she kind of liked me
I think she liked your pot

She liked me And my pot

OK, they're not answering Now what?

(Man) Hello

Yes, building inspector.
I need to be buzzed in

Go fuck yourself

(Woman) Hello

Uh, yeah, it's, uh, uh, UPS

I have that thing you ordered

- (Door buzzes)
Nice

I can pick the lock

Why didn't you use that out front?

Well, it's a little conspicuous

And I'm so stoned I forgot that I had it

Voila

Yeah, they definitely skipped town, all right

OK, I'll check the kitchen for clues

You check the bathroom and bedroom

What are you gonna do, find a turkey baster

with fingerprints on it?
- Man, I don't know.

Just what detectives do

We gotta case the joint, follow protocol

The only thing I found in the refrigerator

was this unopened kombucha
I can't believe they left it behind

- This stuff's really expensive.
Look what I found

Lady shaving cream I could use some
of this stuff for my neck under my beard

I usually use soap It looks like shit

I'm glad I found this
I've got really bad dry mouth

What's this?

Oh, there are papers in here

Why do I always believe the labels
on this health food stuff?

I think the writers they use
are really good, very convincing

There's nothing with a forwarding address

I really just wanted to get Michelle
pregnant and make her happy

Why don't you just try with Leah?

Because she doesn't want any more kids
If she did, she wouldn't want any with me

- Why not?
Because I'm broke

She's giving me an allowance I can hardly
pay for all the DVDs I've been buying

How much allowance is she giving you?

Well, more than the two girls,
but they're four and six

- Look at this.
Hm

- Look at this, something with my name on it.
Let me see this

Beth Handler and Annie Sklaver,
Tavia O'Neal and Shelby Hernandez,

Dawn Miller and Samantha Bryant

There must be 30 couples on there, all female

500 bucks

They've been selling my sperm

Oh, shit, you're right
(Door slams)

Let's get out of here
We'll study this stuff later

I have to have dinner with George in the city
Why are they selling my sperm?

What are you doing in this apartment?

Call the super We have intruders
- No, no, no.

Everything's OK We're not doing anything

- I'm Jewish.
Call 911!

Get out of my way! Ow, my knee!

Hey!
Oh God, I twisted my knee

- Run!
What?

- Jonathan.
Suzanne

Why are you running down the street?
Ah, well, it's crazy

But it's not my fault
Ray got in trouble with some Hasids

Then he hurt his knee
And they called 911 on us

No one's ever called 911 on me
It's very scary

What are you talking about?
Are you stoned?

(Dog whines)
No Hey, who's this?

Hi I didn't know you had a dog

What's his name?
Philip I got him to get over you

You replaced me with
a little white dog named Philip?

Yeah
But you could have held on to me

I'm not neutered. I don't beg for food.
I don't have to be walked

- You're obviously stoned and I...
Jonathan!

We've gotta go Those Hasids
got a good look at us Let's go

OK, one second One second, Ray
Bye, Jonathan

Here Suzanne, wait Wait, wait, wait

You forgot these

Well, I fucked things up with her again
At least you're consistent

(* M Ward: Rave On)

So you think that these women
are selling Ray's sperm

on some kind of, what, lesbian black market?

Yes, he may have as many as 30 children

You know something? I envy him

I always wanted a big family,
to be a patriarch like Tolstoy

I sometimes do wonder if I have children
out there that I don't know about

I had a lot of one night stands in the '70s

And in the '80s

Also the '60s

Jesus, I've been fucking forever

- I was conceived in the late '70s.
Ah!

(Bartender) Excuse me, Mr Christopher
A note for you

- Oh, crap.
Hm?

(Sighs) Antrem wants us to join him for a drink

When did he ooze in here?
- I don't know, but he's with Louis Greene.

That guy wrote a really bad review of my novel

Little bastard

Well, come on, let's face
these assholes, shall we?

George, why are
you and Antrem such enemies?

Well, I think it's because he's in love with me,
which is why he hates me

It's why he married my second wife Priscilla,

so he could be close to me
and yet crush me

- Thank you. You ready?
Yeah

(* Andre Williams: Jivin' Around)

George, sit down, won't you?

Have a seat, please
Sorry, we have dinner reservations

- We're just taking off.
What a shame

Hi, it's Louis Greene
It's an honour to meet you, sir

It's Jonathan Ames Lovely to see you

How are you, Jonathan?
- Hello, Louis.

- Oh, you two know each other?
Sure

Louis reviewed my novel in Slate.
I believe the headline was

"Next time, Jonathan,
try writing with both hands"

(Laughs) That's a good line What's it mean?

That I was masturbating while typing

My mother read that review
Well, think of it this way

at least your novel produced
one memorable phrase

I happened to write it
(Laughs) George, sit down, please

There's something I need to tell you Please

I don't know if you know this, but Molly Brooks
has been a widow for a few months now

You should call her
Priscilla thinks it's a great idea

What are you talking about?
Molly's in her early 70s

George, you can't keep dating
women half your age forever

Priscilla's worried about you being alone
What if you slip in the shower, break a hip?

Is this what you wanted to talk about?
No, that's just the personal stuff

Listen, I need to give you a heads up

We're gonna be doing a coffee table book

with Random House
I'm doing all the writing

It is an update of your old guide
What You Need to Know New York

- Ours is called What You Need to Know Now.
Now

If they're doing an update,
why didn't they come to me?

They must have heard that
Edition might be going under

No, that is not true
Well, that's good news

What a relief I had read that Edition
had to reduce its page count by 15 per cent

That's it We're out of here

Jonathan, are you working on a new book?

Yes, I am And it's coming
along really well

Good I look forward to reading it then

George, I'll email you Molly's number

No, no, no, no, no

What?

(Leah) Ray, how can you just sit there?

This is serious
Those women stole your DNA

Who cares? Let's just pretend
it never happened Whoosh

See? I've forgotten already
Let's smoke some pot or something

No, I want you to do something about this

Oh, we're gonna do something about this

What are you gonna do? Call the cops and
tell them my DNA was sold at a pawnshop?

You don't need the cops You've got me

Now I think we should track down
all the women on this sheet

and see if any of them know anything
that could lead us to Lisa and Michelle

Yeah
I did that already

No one is listed in the phone book
They all have cellphones

I don't even know why they
make phone books any more

I think the two of you
should go door to door

and hunt these criminals down

I can't believe they did this to you

I feel like I've been robbed
But it's my sperm

Yeah, but your sperm is my sperm

- Really?
Yes

I guess I should get
my sperm stolen more often

What do you think, Jonathan?

I think they never should have messed
with my friend's semen

(* The Explorers Club: Forever)

I can't believe I fired 30 blanks

I'm a sterile loser
It's because I smoke too much pot

- The government was right.
You're not a loser

The cooler probably didn't
freeze the sperm right, OK?

Look, there's still one couple left
out in Ditmas Park

We can go there tomorrow
(Phone)

Shit, it's my editor Hello

Caroline How are you?
I'm good I just wanted to check in

You're only a month away
from your deadline

How's the work coming?
Uh, well, very good

The, uh, narrator is going through
a lot of emotional pain and mental pain

Why? I thought it was a comedy

about one man's failed journey
through the Kama Sutra

Well, the failure is upsetting to him
Oh, OK, that sounds good

You know, I was looking
at this Kama Sutra stuff

on the internet for the book jacket

and I have to say I was very aroused

My husband was a terrific lover

before he died,

but I have to say, there were some things
we definitely did not try

Um, that's wonderful, Caroline
(Beeping)

Honey, I've got another call
I'll talk to you later Big kiss, mwah

OK, mwah

(Sighs) I'm doomed

My novel's due in a month
and I only have one sentence

And I don't even like it

Even that building is laughing at me

Do you think the architect purposely
made it look like a gigantic cock?

Yes To humiliate me

- George.
Yeah

Sorry I couldn't get here sooner
I was out all day helping Ray

Yeah, come here, come here Sit down

Read this Tell me what you think

It's this week's editorial
I've got to email that in

The deadline was half an hour ago

So hurry up
George, this is too much

You'll be sued
(Laughs)

"Richard Antrem has the brainpower
of someone with tertiary syphilis,

"the penis of a hermaphrodite and
the moral judgment of a subnormal pinhead"

You can't publish this as an editorial
Why not? It's all true

But it's libel, slander
And it's really long

Did you write all of this today?
I haven't written this much in months

Yeah, well, it's easy when you're inspired

Keep reading (Laughs)

OK, George, you can't do this

You say that he has a mouth
like the anus of a starfish

and that he's been suspected
of plagiarism his whole career

Yeah, so let him try to prove any of it's untrue

George, do you remember when you told me

that I needed to be sane
when you were insane?

No, I don't remember What's the matter
with you? This is gonna be a great issue

My editorial and the comic
that you did with Ray

George, I know that Antrem torments you,

but you attack GQ,
calling it a women's magazine

I've had it, really
Seriously, I can't take it any more

They guy's like a classic playground bully
And you know how you deal with bullies?

Tell the teacher?
- No, no.

You fight back You kick 'em in the balls

George, publishing this
is something he would do

No, no, it's not

It wouldn't be as well written And

Send

Maybe it's best that I'm sterile

Don't say that
I'd make a lousy father anyway

I wouldn't be able to tell a child
all the lies you need to feed them

Like what?
Like 18 years of school is fun,

and that crushing your spirit to fit in
with the rest of the world is a good thing

I don't know
I'd like to have a kid someday

Except I'd worry about that soft spot
on top of their head

I'd want them to wear
a bicycle helmet all the time

Wait, soft spot? What's a soft spot?

The soft spot, it's like a It's a very dangerous
part on top of a baby's head

If you touch on it it can go right to the brain

Yeah I'll do all the talking

(Knocks on door)

- Yes?
Renee Dalton?

Who's asking?
My name is Jonathan Ames

I'm a private detective
I'm sorry, what do you want?

My associate and I have reason to believe

that you may have been sold
illegally obtained sperm

We'd like to ask if you know the whereabouts
of the people who sold you sperm?

And are you pregnant?
Um How did you get my name?

From the apartment of two women
known to us as Lisa and Michelle,

real names Margaret Duckett
and Ellen Willis

My associate actually is the man
whose sperm was stolen by these two

What's going on? Who are you?

- I'm Jonathan Ames. I'm a private detective.
Show me some identification

Well, I'm not officially a private detective,

but I do have a New Jersey driver's licence

Right, let's go in the house
They're here about the sperm we used

- It came from him.
Hi

They know Lisa and Michelle

Are you telling me
I'm pregnant with this guy's baby?

(Both) You're pregnant?
It's very early We're not telling anyone

Yeah
You're pregnant That is so exciting

- That's great that you're pregnant.
This is bullshit

We're very happy This is what we wanted

Hey, hey, hey, what do you do?

The donor was supposed to be
a mathematics PhD from Stanford

I went to the University of Albany.
I studied art I'm a cartoonist

Are you at least a vegan?

We were told the donor would have
very little mercury in his sperm

Well, I eat fish And I eat a lot of meat

A lot of meat But I've had two colonics

Oh my God, you were supposed to be
a vegan with an average build

I do have an average build

I don't believe this
I feel like Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby

Oh, sweetheart, it's not that bad

OK, you two get off my porch, or I'll call 911
- No, no, no, don't call 911.

I hate 911 Look, you should be happy

Ray is a great guy,
he's a wonderful friend

and I'm sure he has incredible DNA
I do have good DNA

There's Crohn's disease
on my mom's side, but

Don't ever contact us again

You're to have nothing to do with this child.
Come on

- I am so sorry.
Renee

- Find me on Facebook.
Renee

I'm having a baby
The mother of my child hates me

It's kind of one of these

Papa

(Bonnie) Get off my porch

To your first collaboration
And to not being sterile

To having a child with a woman who hates me
Here's to being just like my own father

Nice editorial, George I can't stand Antrem

I liked that line about the starfish anus

I just report what I see, gentlemen

(Laughter)

I challenge this man!

To what, Richard?

Arm wrestling? A spelling bee?

When I was at Oxford
on my Rhodes Scholarship,

we would have settled this in the ring,
Queensberry rules

I challenge you to a boxing match,
you old piece of shit

I don't mind saying that was a horrible
piece of writing, Mr Christopher

I mean, it was indulgent and cowardly

Louis, just stay out of it

I
I've known you for 25 years, Antrem,

and I've wanted to hit you for 25 years

I happily accept your challenge

And so do I I

I'll fight Louis

Say, "I accept"
I I accept

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
What about me? I want to fight

Can I get in on this?