Boomerang (2015–2019): Season 2, Episode 11 - Episode #2.11 - full transcript

You've read that 40 times now!

It won't go away.

Admit that this guy is gonna
kick ass with his food truck!

Yes...
OK, this is our schedule.

- D'you...
- You've done a chart?

- Like it?
- Great.

I love it.

"Wedding", "trip to New York",
"stag and hen party".

Good job.

All that's missing is...

- Eh?
- If we have time.



This is your To-Do list?
Go Go-karting?

What good are you?

You're the organiser.

Special jobs.

This is the most important thing
to do today.

- Sex?
- No, say we're moving out.

Almost as hot.

Who's telling my parents?

Rock, paper...

- Fuck!
- Yes!

You always do "rock".

- It's my strategy.
- Useless.

I'll tell your mum
we want her to be our celebrant.

Coffee!
I've not even slept with you!



No. I had one at my cousin's.

Am I too early?

No.

You're not even dressed.

- I'm in my boxers.
- They have holes.

D'you wanna see
what I've organised?

Yes.

"Dress Patrick up
as a slutty nurse

"and take him to a strip bar.

"Challenge Pat to chat up
pretty girls in a bar.

"Go straight to the strip bar."

OK... That's varied.

You're smart.

I'm visiting my aunt
at her nursing home.

She's had to move there.

- It's a place of death...
- No, it's not that bad.

- Why don't you come?
- Yes. You can talk.

- I can come.
- No. Help Pat later.

Then you can talk too.

Patrick has plenty to tell you.

I look good in that.

You always look good.

Look at my photo.
They won't believe it at the club.

Listen, it's simple:

he opens his mouth
and it smells... of sex.

He sweats sex.

Sylvain

is a sex machine.

It bothers you
that much?

No, it's not that.
It's just that...

- Postpone the hen do.
- No way.

Tonight or never.

I'm off to New York in 2 days.

We need to sort our move out.

"Your move"?

Are you moving?

We're moving
just after the wedding.

I've found a great flat:
cheap, nice location.

That's great news.
You're leaving?

Don't say a word.
We've not told Mum or Dad.

Pat's sorting it.

- Dad'll be upset.
- Your pride

takes a hit,
living with parents.

And we live in a tiny, damp basement
that's always dark.

No. Fortunately, Mum's there.

She wants us to go, for sure.

I'll call you soon.

Poor Aunt Alice.

You're right,
it's a place of death.

She hates it,

but she has no one
to care for her.

We're lucky to have Karine and you.

I can't bear
the thought of you leaving us.

There's no better time to tell you.
Karine and I...

Yes...

Karine and I

wanna tell you...

Don't say!
I know what it is!

- And my answer is: "Yes, yes!"
- Yes?

- Yes, I'd love to!
- Good...

- Me, the celebrant?
- Yes.

I shouldn't have,
but I read the notes downstairs.

I knew you'd announce it today.

You're happy?

I've lots of ideas!

There's no greater honour!

I'll be a celebrant! I'm marrying
my daughter and son-in-law!

The best day of my life!

It is that?

- And ours too, I hope.
- Yeah, should be.

That's what you wanted to tell me?

- Of course.
- You!

Yes, yes, yes...

Have you told her?

Jesus...

Yes.

- Bad news?
- No. It's...

No.

Fuck, no!
I've just got caught!

What did we do?

The fucking text!

I only have 1 point left!

I'll lose my licence!

Don't worry,
we'll find a solution.

There's no solution.
No licence, no food truck!

I can't push it
to Quartier des Spectacles!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

You're breaking my heart.

- I've fucked it all up again.
- No...

Monique?

- What's wrong?
- Driver's licence.

Monique, stop.
1 moment.

Monique, Stop!

- Monique?
- Pills.

"Pills"? "Pills" what?

Is she OK?

Home! Pills!

Yes! Officer,

I was writing a text.
We need my mother-in-law's pills:

she's having

a massive fit!

They texted me to say
she'd forgotten her pills!

I'll escort you.

That's kind,
but it's not necessary!

These fits are serious.
Address?

I've done the 1st draft
of my opening number.

Can I test it at the party?

- "Test it"?
- I have some punchy lines.

I could test 'em,
see if they work.

Police!

Everything's under control!
Monique, go take your pills!

- Mum?
- What pills?

The pills for her fits, Pierre.

Thanks a million.

- It's OK.
- I wanna make sure.

Fits? What fits?

She's always had fits.
I'm sorry,

he has Alzheimer's.

- I haven't!
- He can't even remember.

- Hey!
- Pierre, I'm Patrick.

- It's OK...
- I know!

Oh my God...
Not again...

Eh?

Go and wait in the loo.
I'll come in a moment.

See what we have to deal with?

Thanks.
Mum's taken her pills.

- Good!
- It's settled her. Thank you.

I'll see you out.
Old age is a daily struggle.

Not easy...

Karine, at the wedding,

I won't mention
your mum's condition.

I'll write something nice.

I can say it after my second song.

No songs!

Wait...

Thank you, Monique!

I think we should do
a typical girly activity.

Yes. A...

A typical girly activity,
but...

with a... spicy touch.

"Spicy"?

I like it already.

So, we'll...

We'll lay out soaps

in front of each guest,
and the aim is to...

to smell them
and try to guess the oils used

in each one.

That's when it gets...

dirty.

"Dirty"?

Yes. If you get it wrong,
you have to drink

a shot of peach schnapps.

How's that dirty?

It's... If you get it wrong often,
you drink a lot.

And then, you might do...

risqué things.
- Like?

Like undoing a button...

Or 2 buttons.

You make the Marquis de Sade
look like a monk.

In the excitement...

of my "illness",

I forgot to thank you
for your offer.

Our offer?

You'll see,
I'll be an amazing celebrant.

I'm so pleased!

- You'll be great!
- Yes!

I told you!

It'll be a great day.
Really fun.

Coward.

She appointed herself.

D'you realise we have 2 celebrants
who hate each other?

Did you tell Mum
we're moving?

- Not really.
- No?

I don't think she wants us to go.

Aunt Alice put her off.

- I'll tell them we're moving out.
- Great!

You're good at that...

- What?
- I'll shut up.

Do that.

Wait!

We need to talk.

Hair appointment.
Talk at the party.

Party? Will Steph be there?

Yes. Why?

- We're on a break.
- Oh yes?

Yes. She walked out.
Went to her cousin's.

Thingy...

Mi...

- Sarah.
- Yes.

She says
I don't pay her enough attention,

that I treat her like a maid.

Would I do that?

What more could she want?

Does she want me
to call her 20 times a day

to tell her I love her?!

It's no use!

- Look how she's upset me!
- Yes.

- You're her mother...
- Yes.

You know her.

Tell me what I can do
to get her to come back...

home.

- Richard...
- Yes?

I'm not getting involved.

Since when
do you not get involved?!

Since just now.

Get out.

I've decided to give you our room.

It's not good
for a young married couple

to be shut up in a cellar.

Wait, Dad...

It's small, it's dark, it's damp...

- This is your room.
- I don't like it any more.

I don't like it any more.

It's too sunny
and the sun annoys me.

The basement's perfect for us.

Your mother
will be near her exercise bike.

Imagine how many steps
that'll save her.

- But...
- I need to take this linen.

Get ready for your party

and never forget
that we love you.

- We love you.
- I love you too.

- Dad, wait...
- No, no!

Ladies and gentlemen,
the happy couple!

Please!

Please! Please!

Dear friends,
thank you all for coming.

As father of the bride,

I'd like to welcome you
to our home,

home to Monique, Pierre,
Karine and Patrick.

Furthermore,
I include the 2 youngsters

because this is their home.

As you can see,
from all their mess everywhere.

Over a bit of lunch
and lots of emotion...

Are you done?

This is my job!

The celebrant does
the long, emotional speeches.

That's me.

- No, they asked me.
- Come on!

- I'm the celebrant!
- Karine asked me!

What's the cow on about?!

Listen! We'll go
and discuss this outside.

- Ah!
- Mum, let's discuss this.

You can't make me celebrant
and expect me not to fight!

No, Mum.
Nobody's gonna fight!

But you chose me!

Yes, Mum.
But we also chose Monique.

What?

You want me to share my stage
with an amateur?!

Stop it! Stop it!

Listen! Listen!
Stay with me, Mum!

Mum, you can look after
the showbiz side...

of the ceremony.

Whilst Monique will bring a more...

more rig... more seri...

a more poetic edge.

Can you do that?

Come on, girls, I need you both.

Yes, OK.

Thank you, Mum.

- Monique...
- Ah, no!

- Pat! From your mum.
- And from Monique.

We're sharing everything,
the bills too!

This is cool!

The Patmobile!

Stéphanie and I didn't agree
on what activities to do.

So, we each organised one

and I'm starting.

Orgy!

This is gonna degenerate.

Pierre, go and get
the shot glasses.

- OK.
- Come.

So, this will mainly appeal
to the women,

but the men too.

I'm sure.

Men like the missus
to smell nice, eh?

Attention!

What's that?

The soaps?!

It's nothing sexual.

- I see that!
- What do we have to do?

Let's down a shot.

Monique, smell this.

Which oil...

Richard?
What're you doing?

You're smart.

- Where's Jeanne?
- At home.

- Alone?!
- No.

Mum's there.
I can look after kids.

Your mum can!

I didn't come
to hear mean comments.

We're taking a break!

But it's not over.

If it was over,
you'd've told your family.

Monique didn't know.

I've made a big effort.

I've come here to say sorry.

I'm happy to say it

with everyone there.

Except Fatso.

OK. Fatso's negotiable.

You don't know
why you're apologising.

Pussycat, come on... I know.

Because...

According to madam, as well as
having to pay for everything,

I have to cook meals,
clean the house...

Is that sorry?

In reality,
you should be apologising!

That's not what I meant,
pussycat!

Pussycat!

One chance.

Now's not the time, Richard.

Good evening.

Nothing bad's going on.
Just a little row.

- When we have a big one...
- He's just leaving.

Aren't you?

Good night.

- Twirl.
- No!

Please! Please, everyone!

Now it's time for my activity.

Would the happy couple
come and sit here.

Is it musical chairs?

What is it?

Ma'am, you're under arrest.

For the husband-to-be!

I'm sick! I'm sick!

I'm sick.

Pierre! Pierre!

You're so hot.

Pierre, bedtime.
We'll clean up tomorrow.

You locked up?

Worried the dirty nurse
will come back later?

Yes.

Hot father-in-law!

Why you here?

It's our room. Dad's idea.

Er, yes.

Honey,
we're sleeping downstairs.

Sorry, you lovebirds.
Good night.

Of course not!

Stay here.

I know you did this
to stop us leaving.

Nice try, Pierre, but...

But we've gotta say it some time.

We're moving after the wedding.

We do love you,
we just love each other so much.

I knew this would happen
one day.

35 is a bit young
to leave the nest.

Monique, if one of you falls ill,

don't worry,
Karine and I will look after you.

The house will seem empty.

But we'll get over it.

If we get ill, I know a nurse...

Ah, no!

Oh, Mum...

- Oh, Pierre!
- No, Patrick.

Never between meals.

- But we're going, Pierre.
- Patrick!

Wait, wait...

Yes. I do.

No. You need
to be more natural, Patrick.

Yes. Yes, I do.

It's not a death sentence.

- Yes, I do.
- That's like a car salesman.

- Yes, I do!
- Serial killer.

I can't act!

Subtitles: ECLAIR