Bones (2005–2017): Season 8, Episode 8 - The But in the Joke - full transcript
An artist gluing his artwork on a billboard slips and falls with his glue on top of a corpse. The team has to separate the artist from the bones. Angela realizes the artist is a famous street painter. Bones takes up comedy to find suspects.
Yes.
“A frenzied passion for art...
is a canker...
that devours...
everything else.”
Whoa! Whoa!
Dr. Brennan, Agent
Booth, he's coming around.
Hey, Michelangelo, you hear me? You
shouldn't call him that, Booth.
If he had a head injury, he
might think that's who he is.
Somethings poking in my back.
And something smells terrible.
- Do you know your name?
- Yes.
- Okay, what is it?
- I'm not saying.
- Told you. You confused him.
- No, I didn't.
I'm not confused.
I'm just not telling you my name.
- See, he's not confused.
- Vitals are stable.
- No sign of concussion, but-
- Who are you?
Who are we?
F.B.l. That's who we are.
Since when does F.B.l.
cover billboard vandalism?
I'd like to begin
my examination.
Ambulance guy says I'm okay.
Well, she doesn't mean you.
- You're glued to decomposed human remains.
- Huh?
We're gonna flip you on the board.
Okay, let's do it.
- You three grab the head.
- What's on me?
You two grab the feet.
Easy on the neck, okay?
One, two, three.
This is weird.
Easy on the shoulder.
Take it slow.
What's-What's on my back?
- Why is it sticking to him?
- Industrial strength adhesive.
I got it.
You know what, Bones?
He was-He was standing up
there, sticking that to that.
He tripped over his bucket. The
buckets falls, and he gets stuck.
Right? There's a dead
dude stuck to my back?
Bones, why can't we just,
you know, peel them apart?
The adhesive has had
ample time to adhere.
Pulling them apart would
rip off Michelangelo's skin,
or worse,
completely destroy the evidence.
Worse than ripping off my skin?
Well, this could certainly
be cause of death.
What?
An anomalous projectile completed
a transparietal trajectory.
Why can't you just be simple?
Arrow through the head. Murder.
Insect and rat activity
is indicated.
We must be near an open sewer.
Oh, come on, man!
- Get it off of me!
- After we get back to the lab.
Yeah, it'll give you and your new
buddy some time to bond there.
We caught a good one.
We've been over this. There's
no such thing as a good murder.
Babe, I need your secret
stash of peanut butter.
Hodgins, I bring in
my peanut butter...
for a little comfort food
every once in a while.
For comfort? Why?
I got a ticket this morning.
Speeding?
No, I turned right on a red.
Well, that's legal.
Not at Broadway and Nash.
It's like a police trap
over there.
They just wait,
like fishermen after trout.
I think you mean like a deer hunter
at a salt lick. Was there a sign?
There was one,
but it was really small.
Okay, well, then you
definitely have to fight it.
Why?
I don't-it's unfair.
Come on. If you can give me the peanut butter,
then the Jeffersonian will reimburse you.
Shouldn't I just pay the fine
and get on with my life?
What? Where is the spark
plug that I married?
The spark plug you married conducted
an unfettered sex life...
and never lived anywhere for
more than a couple of years.
You want her back around?
There's really no way to answer
that without making you mad.
Babe, peanut butter
Cover your eyes.
- Are we allowed to laugh?
- No.
Okay. - what are we
calling the one that's still alive?
Booth calls him Michelangelo.
Michelangelo
worked on commission.
That's no kind of real artist.
Michelangelo's no kind of real artist.
Good to know.
Why won't you tell us your name?
'Cause I don't want you to know it.
Kind of obvious, right?
Large, rugged pelvis suggests
the victim is a Caucasian male.
I have a large, rugged pelvis?
Boo-yah!
Not you.
The murder victim.
Upper margin formation
on the pubic synthesis...
indicates early 30s.
The victim's C5 and C6 vertebrae
have been fused.
Uncommon for someone that young.
Hmm.
If we find the doctor who performed the
procedure, we can identify the victim.
How about the corpse
that's trying to sodomize me?
We have to separate
Michelangelo and the corpse.
There we go.
What about a laser?
No. No lasers.
I-I-I agree with this smart
and beautiful angel.
Well, the smart and beautiful
angel is gonna go find out...
who fused
our victim's neck bones.
Okay, fracture lines from the obscured
region and onto the zygomatic,
indicative of a perimortem
trauma to the facial bones.
The arrow's clearly visible
on either side of the victim's skull,
but it didn't actually pierce it.
Steve Martin?
Michelangelo's real name
is Steve Martin?
It's a gag. The ends of the arrows
are connected to a plastic headband.
Steve Martin? No?
It's a gag.
Thus, irrelevant.
Mr. Fisher, find a way to separate
Michelangelo and Steve Martin...
- without damaging the evidence.
- Okay.
Everyone here is this weird combo
of smart and dumb.
- Hey.
- Dr. Saroyan nixed the laser.
I knew she would,
which is why I brought this.
Oh, God. What did he bring?
Peanut butter.
Peanut butter?
I'm not a piece of toast.
The oils in the peanut butter...
will break down the cohesion
of the cyanoacrylates.
- Wha-
- The glue will unstick.
This guy's gonna rub me down
with peanut butter?
- Yep, and then cut off your clothes.
- Um-
How's about she does that?
Did you do that?
No.
Oh, my God.
- You're-You're Zed.
- No, I'm not.
You-You are.
You-You painted that.
It's you.
- The artist Zed?
- What's a Zed?
Zed's a legend-mysterious street
artist that nobody's ever met.
My name is Seth Zalinsky.
Okay, well, at least we got his name out of him.
- Come on.
This mook isn't the elusive
and brilliant Zed.
Look at him.
I know my rights.
You can't just pin me down...
and slather peanut butter
all over my private self.
- What if we sedate you?
- Depends.
What do you got?
My name is Denny Bennet.
I'm the manager of Tele-Com Inc.
Telemarketing.
I filed a Missing Persons report...
on one of my employees,
Morgan Donnelly, three days ago.
Why is he talking like that?
I don't know.
The company lawyer told me to
speak clearly, tell the truth,
and I'd have nothing
to worry about.
Right. Well, you have
one hell of a lawyer.
Did you find, uh, Morgan?
Yes. He's dead.
Donnelly's dead?
Dead dead?
- We identified him by his neck operation.
- He was murdered.
Oh, my God.
That can't be.
How am I supposed to go on?
Donnelly's my heir apparent.
I've been grooming him,
and now I've got nobody.
What do you sell at Tele-Com?
Everything.
Last few weeks, we've been selling
a time-share in Muncie, Indiana-
gateway to Indianapolis.
- And he could sell that?
- Yeah, he can-could sell anything.
Did anyone resent Donnelly?
Enough to kill him? NO.
Did he have difficulty
with anyone?
His girlfriend stormed
into the office last Friday,
hollered at him
in front of everyone.
Claimed he was cheating on her.
Like she's one to talk.
Are you implying that
she herself was unfaithful?
Implying? Hell, I'll say it directly.
She was a cheater.
- And how do you know?
- She cheated on me with Donnelly.
So you're telling me that
he stole your girlfriend.
Wow. That really must have
pissed you off. At first.
But it's, like, a year ago.
Wait. Am I a suspect?
Most definitely. I wanna
talk to the company lawyer.
In a sign of good faith, why don't you cough up
the name and the address of the cheater girl?
I had to pry this peanut butter
out of Angela's hands.
Apparently, she needed the comfort
of some smooth P.B. this morning...
after being caught making
an illegal right on red.
Ah, police trap.
Corner of Broadway and Nash.
Been there, done that.
I feel-You know how when you
wake up on Sunday morning,
and you smell your mom
making breakfast?
Your dad's trying
to make her dance...
to some ancient Tears for
Fears song about shouting.
It's weird
when the remains talk.
This is gonna work?
Is that you,
sweet, chocolate angel?
Oh, my God.
What did you give him?
Some stuff for depression,
mood swings, panic disorder-
Okay.
I don't wanna know.
What I heard-
cup of chamomile tea.
- Okay. We're done.
- Okay.
Hey.
- You good for a few moments?
- I am good for “eterninity.”
Let's go.
You here for my sponge bath?
That would be transcendent.
Admit that Seth Zalinsky
is not your only name.
Well, in high school,
they called me Tripod.
Oh, now I'm very sad.
You did this.
You're Zed.
Zed is not my nickname.
It's my alter ego.
Much bigger deal.
I'm very honored
to meet you. Really.
I mean, you are a wonderful,
wonderful artist.
And you are really young,
which is so much more
impressive somehow.
I am totally babbling
because I am starstruck.
- That's what it is.
- You wanna make out?
You know, time was
I would have jumped you,
but I am a married woman now,
so I'm just gonna kiss you
because of who you are.
Okay?
I felt something move.
Don't ruin my moment.
On my back.
I think the dead guy's
separating.
You really didn't
have to come, Bones.
You said you wanted me
to come with you.
Where are we going?
I'm gonna go talk to the hollering,
cheating girlfriend.
No. I mean, my Prius has a
voice-activated navigation system.
Oh. 709 Windsor Drive.
Enter an address.
709 Windsor Drive.
Searching.
- Now you don't have to unfold and refold a map.
Wait a second. I like maps.
What's wrong with maps?
Well, maps cannot tell you the amount
of traffic you should expect...
en route to your destination.
- Look at that.
- See? Now we can relax,
talk about interesting things.
This is not how the cowboys
settled this country.
The cowboys
didn't have antibiotics.
Do you also wanna die from a
skinned knuckle? Sometimes.
Cowboys didn't settle
this country. Farmers did.
Alexa! The F.B.l.
wants to talk to you!
You know, you shouldn't feel bad
about living with your sister.
The current trend
of delaying marriage,
along with the economy,
means that people have to adapt.
However, it does
complicate the sex life.
Tell me about it.
Hey. I'm Alexa. Can I help you guys
with something?
Like to ask you a few questions
about Morgan Donnelly.
Here we go.
Mm-hmm.
I'm afraid he's dead.
Of course he is.
Did he get crushed by a
falling anvil or something?
No, that is not correct.
We believe you had an altercation
with him a few days ago.
I find their upbeat demeanor
highly suspicious.
This is a serious situation.
He may have been murdered.
Murdered! Oh!
[ Seth 1
Ow! Ow!
Ow! Okay,
careful, Mr Fisher.
Oh, it's his hair, that's all.
There we go.
It is with great pleasure
that I divorce these skulls.
Massive blunt-force trauma
to the facial bones.
The victim's skull
is totally smashed in.
Did I do that when I fell on him?
'Cause I didn't do it on purpose.
No. The fracture lines
on the zygomatic bones...
indicate the trauma was
sustained around time of death.
Which was five days before you fell on him.
- Whoa! Whoa! Wait! There could be-
- Whoa!
Blowflies.
That explains
the constant buzzing.
You are a very calm young man.
Pharmaceutically enhanced calm.
Third instar larvae.
The victim died five days ago.
Five days ago was Friday-
the same day the victim's
girlfriend accused him of cheating.
God, it's so weird
when they move.
That felt good.
Almost as good as when
that Asian chick kissed me.
- Wait. What?
- That Asian chick kissed me.
Let's clean Mr. Zalinsky up,
and in some kind of clothes.
Oh, come on. I already slathered
him with peanut butter,
plied him with pharmaceuticals, now
I got to give him a sponge bath?
What Asian chick did you kiss?
Did the F.B.l. really call in a
psychiatrist because I laughed?
Now you all think I'm
some sort of psychopath?
I'm actually a psychologist,
Ms. Eaton.
But, um, yes,
Agent Booth called me in...
because he was struck
by your sudden mood swing.
I'm not a psycho.
Can you tell me how you feel
about Morgan Donnelly's death?
Um, I'm very upset.
Look at me.
Can you tell me why you laughed?
Because I thought it was another
one of Morgan's practical jokes.
He was a joker?
Yes.
And I thought it was his way of
totally making up after our fight
What fight? A girl walked
up and kissed him.
I figured he didn't need
to enjoy it so much.
A girl just walked up
and kissed him?
Yeah, right on the lips.
Some tongue action too.
She recognized him.
What? I was not aware that telemarketers
attracted that kind of notice.
Morgan was a comedian, okay?
The telemarketing gig,
it was just temporary.
Okay, that explains
the fake arrow through his head.
Morgan had an amazing sense of humor.
Girls like that in a guy.
Yeah? I always
thought that that was a lie.
So, was Morgan's sense of humor
the reason why you left his boss?
Look, if you met Denny, you'd
know why I went for Morgan.
You think Denny could have
killed Morgan out of jealousy?
After a year? Even Denny
thinks faster than that.
Okay, and when was
the last time you saw Morgan?
He came over for dinner
that same night, Friday.
And then I went to work.
I'm a bartender. You can
check that out. Sure.
And then when I came home,
Morgan wasn't there.
I didn't kill Morgan.
I loved him.
You know who you
should be looking for?
Whoever put that arrow
gag on his head.
That wasn't his?
No way.
He hated that shtick stuff.
His material was cerebral.
You wouldn't by any chance have
footage of Morgan's stand-up?
My brother, Elliot,
recorded every show.
Mr. Fisher, if we are
to determine the murder weapon,
it is of the uttermost importance
that the remains be clean.
Dr. Hodgins has a plan.
I don't know if you're aware, but
I do a bit of stand-up myself.
I imagine you are
not very skilled at it...
as you are not
a humorous person.
My routine is dark, disturbing
and uncomfortable,
just the way
a comedy show should be.
Notice the large number
of chips and fragments.
Also how the chip itself
is fragmented.
Huh. One blow
created the chip,
a second or a third
shattered it again.
The victim was struck in the face
several times with a blunt object.
- Do you find that amusing?
- Amusing? No.
Darkly illuminating
in a manner...
which allows us to laugh defiantly
into the yawning abyss?
That's hilarious.
- I'm sorry. I'm trying to see the hilarity,
but all I see is a man who was
beaten in the face until he died.
Sorry.
Hey, did you get anything
off the laughing girlfriend?
Oh, Alexa Eaton
and her brother laughed...
because they thought you and Dr.
Brennan were a prank.
Oh, there's your motive for murder
right there-practical jokes.
I mean, hey, everybody, you know-
they hate practical jokers.
The victim was
a stand-up comedian.
Well, that would explain, you
know, the arrow through the head.
Mm-hmm. The killer might
have been another stand-up.
Where would you get that?
The arrow on the head could have been
placed there as a mark of derision-
you know, an insult.
Whoa, whoa.
Why? That's a funny bit.
Yeah, it's a classic.
Uh, so I went through some of
Morgan Donnelly's stand-up routine,
came up with some
interesting clues and insights.
Arrow through the head,
that's a-That's a funny gag.
Yeah. ls,
was and always will be.
Uh, let me know when you wanna
hear the rest of my insights.
I have visual aids.
Okay, great.
I laugh out loud
all the time I see that.
The arrow through the head.
It's funny.
- Who did all this stuff?
- Uh, what are you doing here?
They told me I could sleep on the couch.
Did you paint this?
Um-
Yes. Yes, those are mine.
Why are you in my office?
I don't know.
I think they roofied me.
It was pretty great.
I do remember your husband
was peeved that you kissed me.
Oh, yeah.
Let me worry about Hodgins.
Middle-class, suburban hang-ups
and sexual values.
What are you, like, 19?
Oh, so you think my idealistic
approach to art is adolescent?
But it looks to me like you used
to have some ideals of your own.
Before you got married,
had a baby, started painting-
What the hell
is that supposed to be?
Uh-
Do you want me to call you a cab
or-No, I can find my own way.
I have since I was an adolescent.
Hmm.
You're the only person in the world
who knows my secret identity.
Okay, Batman.
I'd appreciate it
if you didn't tell anyone.
Let me guess.
You're keeping it pure, right?
You wanna make it about the art
and not about the artist.
Some things are easy
to make fun of.
Doesn't mean
they're not important.
I'll make you a deal.
You keep your lips zipped,
and tonight, I'll take care
of Broadway and Nash.
Okay. Your secret
is safe with me.
You have excellent...
technique.
Know what' else
is completely made up?
“General anxiety disorder. ”
Yeah, you know what this is?
It's called life.
That is exactly what
you need to do-get' a life!
Sir, if I've said anything
to offend you,
please, please know
that lam delighted
That heckler can be heard
on several of the tapes.
Every single time, Donnelly
humiliates him in front of the crowd.
How many times you hear
the same heckler?
About a dozen, and I haven't
even been through all the tapes.
- Is that normal?
- One heckler, time after time?
I asked Fisher.
Fisher the intern?
Fisher the comic?
Fisher's funny?
Not at all. He's kind of an underground
sensation though. It's brilliant.
Fisher said it's not normal. If
anyone knows heckling, it's Fisher.
Okay, how do we I.D.
the heckler? Easy.
His name's Larry Baron. He's another comic,
crappy. Him and Morgan hate each other.
Why didn't you just tell me that?
You didn't ask.
Fine.
Where can we find him?
- He's the bartender at Laughtastic's.
- Laughtastic's. Great.
So, why did you tape all of Morgan
Donnelly's stand-up routines?
He was my sister's boyfriend.
He hired me.
He was my mentor, and I fed
him lots of good ideas.
He said I was his muse.
Not in, like, a creepy sex way or anything.
It was in a funny way.
Anyway, you think you could
introduce me to Fisher?
Probably not 'cause of the
murder investigation, huh?
Is it too weird?
You're gonna get dermestid
beetles in my peanut butter.
The beetles will eat what's
left of the victim's flesh.
And for peanut butter, nothing
beats Gromphadorhina portentosa,
a.k.a. the Madagascar
hissing cockroach.
So, this victim, did you
ever hear of him?
He was a popular comic.
Sure sign you've transgressed
the unwritten rule of comedy.
I thought the only rule
in comedy was to be funny.
Tragically, you're not
the only one who thinks that way.
Well, if you ask me-
It gets no better
than the Stooges.
Unfettered psychopathic violence!
Hilarious, right?
Not really
when you put it that way.
Might I recommend next time watching
with the volume turned off?
The absence of the cartoon sound
effects makes it much more violent.
Yeah, I know Morgan Donnelly.
Uh, you gonna order
a drink, or what?
Yeah, we'll have some water. Must
be tough on a guy like you, huh?
Serving drinks, has to watch other
comedians on stage do their thing.
Are you kidding?
That's like telling a Jew
he doesn't wanna be in Mecca.
In point of fact, Mecca is the
center of the Muslim world.
It would be completely rational
for a Jew to avoid Mecca,
especially during hajj.
Yeah, I'm fine.
So... okay?
Morgan Donnelly's dead.
Yeah, I heard that.
It's terrible.
Is it true that he once told
you, in front of a crowd,
that if he wanted to hear from
an ass, he would have farted?
Yeah, he did say that.
He got a huge laugh too.
We have proof that he humiliated you
at least 20 times in front of audiences.
What? Oh. I get it.
No, that wasn't a joke.
I know it wasn't a joke. I know what
is a joke and what isn't a joke.
I'm not sure you do. Now, don't heckle him,
Bones. He might want to kill you next.
Oh, you got it all wrong.
Look, me and Morgan-
it was a setup.
- Setup? He wanted you to heckle him?
- Definitely.
Definitely. All those
lines that he used on me?
You know, like the fart one?
Or he'd say, um,
“There's an alcoholic
who should stay anonymous.”
I wrote all those.
- Why?
- It was my way of, uh, getting laughs.
Bonus-It made the audience
like Morgan, you know,
so it's a win-win situation.
Right. Well, thanks for
your cooperation. Come on.
- Booth.
- Yeah?
The man in this flyer has a
fake arrow through his head.
Oh. Yeah.
That's Rex.
And let me tell you.
Now that Donnelly is gone, he's
gonna get the Friday night slot,
so that's got to make you
suspicious, right?
You comedians really
stick together, huh?
This could very well
be the murder weapon.
- Where's Rex now?
- Uh, he's warming up.
- Where's your arrow through the head?
- Somebody stole it.
I never thought to report it
directly to the F.B.l.
Who stole it?
- Could've been anyone. That bit is classic.
I think-I think so too.
It is funny.
But my prime suspect-a so-called
comic, so-called Morgan Donnelly.
Okay, why do you
think he stole it?
Guy's a natural thief-
props, jokes, women.
He steals it all.
- He's dead.
- Murdered.
Sorry to say,
that was bound to happen.
You really do
hate this guy, huh?
Both personally
and professionally, yes.
Whoa. Rex's mallet tested
positive for blood.
Positive for what?
Blood.
Now, that's funny.
Yes, I kissed him.
Why?
It wasn't a you-me kind of kiss.
This was a “musty
old auntie” kiss.
Yeah? Well, your “musty old auntie” kiss
is the best kiss that kid ever got.
Why are you being jealous?
Because he's... cool.
You know?
And I'm... not.
And-I don't know-if you ever leave me,
it's gonna be for someone who's cool.
Cool isn't really
a thing anymore.
Thank you for proving my point.
You still haven't told me
why you kissed him.
Yeah, I-I promised him I
wasn't gonna tell anybody, and-
I will tell you, though, because
you are not just anybody.
I kissed him because...
he's a great artist.
And his art is
changing the world.
He's Zed.
Well, it's hard
to argue with that.
You know what he said
about my work?
He said that I have...
“excellent technique.”
Well, that's great.
No. No, honey,
it's not great.
Well, “excellent”
usually means great.
Brennan's got the murder weapon.
Okay, listen, just-
No more kissing any artists...
or anyone else for that matter.
Yeah? We good?
Yes, honey, we are good.
You know why?
Because I have
excellent technique.
Which is not good.
Exactly.
[ Saroyan
Ready? 1
Just reinserting the last
few pieces of dentition.
Speaking of which, I found some
slivers of tooth in some flesh...
that might have been a part
of the victim's stomach.
Bashed in the teeth,
swallowed the fragments?
Makes sense to me.
So let's hear it.
Excuse me?
You're a comedian, right?
Can I hear one of your jokes?
Oh, I don't do jokes,
Dr. Saroyan.
I do raw, unfiltered honesty.
Let me hear some raw,
unfiltered honesty then.
As you wish.
I am incapable of truly
loving another human being.
For that reason,
I will never sire an heir.
Okay. Well, then.
Uh-oh. We have
a tad too much tooth.
Are you still doing
your comedy here, or-
No. No, you literally
have too much tooth.
Hold the laughs.
This is not tooth.
I'm back to my day job now,
Dr. Saroyan.
You don't have to laugh.
What's that? Visual aid.
Joke one. “I love to brag about how
modest I am.” - That's not funny.
Mm-mmm. But it is both self-centered
and self-deprecating.
Joke number two.
“I dated a 14-year-old once,
but I was 14, too,
so it wasn't a big deal.”
Wait. So you're saying that our victim was a
self-centered, self-deprecating child abuser?
No, no, no. I'm saying that
joke one and joke two...
weren't written
by the same person.
How can you tell?
Well, the notion of taking a subject
as disturbing as pedophilia,
turning it on its head to create something
as sweet and innocent as young love...
tells me that this joke was
probably written by a woman.
Mm-mmm. Mr. Cantaloupe said
our victim stole the jokes.
I agree. Okay, how does
a comedian do that?
Fisher says that open mike nights are
the best place to steal fresh jokes.
Okay? Now, Laughtastic's has an open
mike night, and Donnelly was a judge.
Great. I'll just go there and
get the information. Thanks.
How?
How? How I usually do it.
I'll go there,
ask some questions with Bones,
and she'll be on the lookout
for somebody with a limp,
which means that they fell in love
with a 14-year-old, and we go home.
That's how. Fisher and
I have a better idea.
Fisher again. You go to
the open mike night.
You tell some of the jokes
I've marked as stolen,
see if anyone gets mad.
Why me?
I have to keep an eye out for subtle
reactions from the audience...
and Fisher's too well-known.
He and I have written
some original jokes for you.
You pepper in some of the stolen stuff,
see if anyone lays claim to them.
You and Fisher
wrote me a comedy routine?
Okay-
The blue jokes I wrote, all right?
The yellow ones, stolen.
- The black ones-
- Fisher.
Yep. You have
about a half an hour.
What?
“Is it just me, or are circles pointless?”
What?
Multiple radiating fracture lines
originating on the glabella,
terminated by fracture lines
on the maxilla.
Just as we suspected,
multiple blows.
I come bearing bad news. The
mallet was not the murder weapon.
Why was there blood all over it?
False positive from the peroxidase enzyme
found in turnip juice.
I hate to think how many turnips
this man bludgeoned to death.
What about Dr. Saroyan's fragments?
Ceramic.
Let's have Angela recreate
the fracture pattern on the Angelatron.
Okay, I'll let her know.
Okay.
All right. Let's give it up...
Are you nervous? I've had
people try to kill me, Sweets.
How could cracking jokes
make me nervous?
Just remember to look relaxed,
as though you own the stage.
Stop with the advice. Just-Please?
Okay, Fisher's here.
If it looks like you're in
trouble, he'll heckle you.
Why are you making such
a big deal about this?
Welcome to the stage for the
first time, Cee-Lo Booth!
Seeley, not Cee-Lo.
Hey, what do you want? I went to
public school.
So-
Good evening.
Thanks for coming out tonight.
You know who has
a lot of great ideas?
- Lamps.
- Ha!
I hate my father. I mean, not
for what he's done to me,
but for what he
hasn't done to me.
Laugh. Laugh at the emptiness
of my pain.
Is it just me,
or are circles pointless?
Oh!
[ Laughs 1
So far this act is pointless.
All right, pal, you wanna quit shooting your
mouth off before I shoot it off for you?
Oh, my God. Booth is funny.
Almost funny.
I once shot an unarmed man. I mean, sure,
I shot off both of his arms, but still-
So I was at-I was at the trial,
and the prosecutor says to me on the
stand, “Did you kill that man?”
I said, “No.” He says, “You know
what the penalty for perjury is?”
I said, “Yeah, it's a lot less
than the penalty for murder.”
Why-Why am I even here?
Fine.
So, uh-
Well, how about the guy
who invented tanning beds?
I mean, the nerve. Who looks at the
sun and says, “Hey, I can do better”?
I went to a cello recital the other night.
It was-It was a solo show.
Meaning I was the only person
in the audience.
Even I didn't get that one.
Nobody likes a cello. It's just
a violin with size issues,
which is also a joke I wrote,
like the others that you stole.
F.B.l. You're coming with me.
Annie Pinkus. Right.
So, quite a coincidence that you work
at the same place as the murder victim.
Two comedians working
a telemarketing day job?
Yeah.
Bizarre coincidence there.
Mm. Were you having an affair
with Morgan Donnelly?
No. Why?
It says here Donnelly's girlfriend comes in
ripping him a new one about a third woman.
Maybe you didn't know
about either one of them.
Twice the jealousy,
twice the motive?
Three times. See, he was stealing
your jokes. He deserved to die.
I was not sleeping with Morgan,
and he was not stealing my jokes.
Well, I told a couple of your jokes.
You accused me of stealing.
Yeah, Morgan bought my jokes-$25 a pop
plus a piece of the back-end deal...
if he went on Letterman,
HBO, you know, whatever.
I could see why you didn't wanna
save those jokes for yourself.
I'm not funny. I write
funny, but I'm not funny.
Some people are funny, like you.
Others like me, we do better off
writing for the funny people.
So you expect me to believe that Morgan
Donnelly's death hurt your career.
Hells yeah. He was about to move
to New York, do comedy full time.
Is this the real deal
or was this just the pipe dream?
For reals. He had bookings-
TV shows, clubs.
You can check it out.
Look, what you think is a
motive for me to murder...
is actually the complete
opposite of a motive for murder.
That's irony, and it's
definitely not funny.
Capisce?
So after pulling out
the postmortem damage...
that was caused
by Zalinsky's skull,
I used the intersections of the
radiating fracture lines...
to determine
that the facial trauma...
was actually a result
of three separate blows.
Here are the results
of the initial blow.
It appears that
the force of this blow...
and the force of the blow that broke the
victim's metacarpals are nearly identical.
The weapon is the same one
that broke his metacarpals.
Please bring up the results
of the second blow.
Uh, fracturing to the dentition,
mandible, maxilla
and zygomatic bones.
The killer either picked up a
larger weapon to finish the job...
or he swung a lighter weapon
with greater force.
Well, here are the results
of the third blow.
Okay, I-I'm sorry.
I know what this
looks like to you,
but this entire sequence here,
it's the Three Stooges.
It's classic comedy
in three blows.
I mean, the weapon's
gonna be a frying pan.
This strike caused
fragments of the glabella...
to pierce the victim's brain.
Death blow.
Which is not funny. No, it's not.
Based on the amorphous
wound pattern,
the murder weapon is curved
upon its horizontal axis.
Curved, ceramic,
like a large vase?
Angie, I just sent you the results of the
core sample I took from the shard of ceramic.
Hmm. Was it a vase? Not unless
it was a vase full of urine.
It was a toilet? Ding-ding-ding!
And the prize goes to the little
lady wearing the blue lab coat.
Sorry. Yeah, I-I got excited.
So his head was
smashed into a toilet? Classic.
The first blow occurred...
when the victim had his hand
on the edge of the toilet.
His face was smashed
into his hand.
Comedian killed
by a brutal swirly.
So he was draped over the toilet,
puking, when he was killed.
I'm-Swirly.
So, how many toilets are
there in the metro D.C. area?
Oh. Uh, approximately
five and a half million.
How is that you know that?
There is approximately one toilet per
person in the United States of America.
Do you want me to figure out how much time
it would take to inspect each toilet?
- No, we don't have to do that.
- Why not?
Why? I'll just get,
you know, a warrant...
for all the toilets that
the victim used regularly,
and we'll start with that.
And when I say “we,”
I mean Hodgins.
1,250,000 man-hours.
W-What? That's how long it would take
to check out every toilet in D.C.
Once you start with the math,
you don't stop, right?
I think everyone's like that, don't you?
Yeah, I think so, definitely.
Go math.
Math people forever, right?
Tell us about the last time
you saw Morgan Donnelly.
I already told
the other young man.
I made him dinner here.
What did you make?
Beef Stroganoff,
salad, ice cream.
Did you feel well afterwards?
Yes. I went to work.
I was fine.
The F.B.l. checked out my alibi.
You already know.
Was Morgan feeling all right when
you left the house? He was fine.
He and Elliot were gonna watch some
soccer game and write jokes about it.
Did your brother mention
feeling sick the next morning?
Why? Do you think
my cooking killed Morgan?
Well, we have evidence that
Morgan became ill that night.
It is very likely that he died
while vomiting into your toilet.
Oh, my God. Do you really think
that I poisoned Morgan to death?
No. Morgan Donnelly died by someone
smashing his head into the toilet bowl.
I want a lawyer.
And I want one for my brother.
Morgan was moving to New York.
That's not true.
What made him vomit?
He was drinking a lot, you
know, to work up the courage.
Courage for what?
Tell my sister he was going
to dump her and take off.
You didn't know any of this?
So it was a matter
of defending your sisters honor?
Not only. I did all that work
with Morgan and taped him.
He was supposed to be helping me put my
own act' together; but he wash 7 gonna-
He said something like,
“A comic has to be tough,
make tough calls and leave
behind people he'd outgrown.”
He's sitting there
telling me all this stuff ..
With a stupid arrow in his head.
I got mad and-
Poor Elliot.
/...
did what I did.
Then I wrapped him up
in a shower curtain,
drove him out to that woodsy
area under the billboard,
came back,
cleaned up the bathroom,
put the shower curtain
back up and-
Okay, he's here.
He's here. He's here.
What if he hates it?
Angela, it's okay.
He's leaving.
Forget it.
Okay-
Hey!
Zed!
Zed!
Man, shut up, okay?
Married people tell
each other everything?
Why didn't you paint something?
Somebody beat me to it, man.
I got nothing better to say
than she did.
You mean
you-you like it?
I love it.
But your technique blows.
Hey, you can't talk
to her-Hodgins.
It was a compliment.
Sweets told me that you were
really funny at the comedy club.
Oh, he wrote me some jokes.
No, he said that you bombed
when you told his jokes...
but that the audience laughed
when you got mad.
Wait a second, all right? You're the one
who said that comedy comes out of anger.
I have been
a very good influence...
on the sophistication
of your thinking.
I'm a very sophisticated man.
Laughter can also be made to make
people helpless and vulnerable.
Perhaps that's why some comics say “I
killed tonight” or “I slaughtered them.”
- Side-splitting.
- Yes. Exactly.
Humor is a kind of viol-
Oh, my God.
Don't move. You have
an arrow in your head.
No, Bones, it's a joke. I'm sorry.
You tried to scare me,
but I scared you right back.
That is funny. I was trying
to make you laugh, okay?
And then you scared me.
All right, that's not funny.
- You and Sweets, you're not funny.
- Wha-Really?
Well, will you tell me one of
Sweets's jokes? Okay, fine.
You know who's got good ideas?
Who?
Lamps.
Lamps. Yes.
Yes, yes.
Lamps have good ideas because
they have lightbulbs going on.
That's not funny.
That's really-
it's really funny, Booth.
One more. Tell me another. Okay, fine.
Is it just me, or are circles pointless?
Sweets is a genius.
Circles are pointless
because they are round!
Get it?
One more, Booth.
Pointless. Booth?
Booth?
Booth! Booth!
What's that mean?
“A frenzied passion for art...
is a canker...
that devours...
everything else.”
Whoa! Whoa!
Dr. Brennan, Agent
Booth, he's coming around.
Hey, Michelangelo, you hear me? You
shouldn't call him that, Booth.
If he had a head injury, he
might think that's who he is.
Somethings poking in my back.
And something smells terrible.
- Do you know your name?
- Yes.
- Okay, what is it?
- I'm not saying.
- Told you. You confused him.
- No, I didn't.
I'm not confused.
I'm just not telling you my name.
- See, he's not confused.
- Vitals are stable.
- No sign of concussion, but-
- Who are you?
Who are we?
F.B.l. That's who we are.
Since when does F.B.l.
cover billboard vandalism?
I'd like to begin
my examination.
Ambulance guy says I'm okay.
Well, she doesn't mean you.
- You're glued to decomposed human remains.
- Huh?
We're gonna flip you on the board.
Okay, let's do it.
- You three grab the head.
- What's on me?
You two grab the feet.
Easy on the neck, okay?
One, two, three.
This is weird.
Easy on the shoulder.
Take it slow.
What's-What's on my back?
- Why is it sticking to him?
- Industrial strength adhesive.
I got it.
You know what, Bones?
He was-He was standing up
there, sticking that to that.
He tripped over his bucket. The
buckets falls, and he gets stuck.
Right? There's a dead
dude stuck to my back?
Bones, why can't we just,
you know, peel them apart?
The adhesive has had
ample time to adhere.
Pulling them apart would
rip off Michelangelo's skin,
or worse,
completely destroy the evidence.
Worse than ripping off my skin?
Well, this could certainly
be cause of death.
What?
An anomalous projectile completed
a transparietal trajectory.
Why can't you just be simple?
Arrow through the head. Murder.
Insect and rat activity
is indicated.
We must be near an open sewer.
Oh, come on, man!
- Get it off of me!
- After we get back to the lab.
Yeah, it'll give you and your new
buddy some time to bond there.
We caught a good one.
We've been over this. There's
no such thing as a good murder.
Babe, I need your secret
stash of peanut butter.
Hodgins, I bring in
my peanut butter...
for a little comfort food
every once in a while.
For comfort? Why?
I got a ticket this morning.
Speeding?
No, I turned right on a red.
Well, that's legal.
Not at Broadway and Nash.
It's like a police trap
over there.
They just wait,
like fishermen after trout.
I think you mean like a deer hunter
at a salt lick. Was there a sign?
There was one,
but it was really small.
Okay, well, then you
definitely have to fight it.
Why?
I don't-it's unfair.
Come on. If you can give me the peanut butter,
then the Jeffersonian will reimburse you.
Shouldn't I just pay the fine
and get on with my life?
What? Where is the spark
plug that I married?
The spark plug you married conducted
an unfettered sex life...
and never lived anywhere for
more than a couple of years.
You want her back around?
There's really no way to answer
that without making you mad.
Babe, peanut butter
Cover your eyes.
- Are we allowed to laugh?
- No.
Okay. - what are we
calling the one that's still alive?
Booth calls him Michelangelo.
Michelangelo
worked on commission.
That's no kind of real artist.
Michelangelo's no kind of real artist.
Good to know.
Why won't you tell us your name?
'Cause I don't want you to know it.
Kind of obvious, right?
Large, rugged pelvis suggests
the victim is a Caucasian male.
I have a large, rugged pelvis?
Boo-yah!
Not you.
The murder victim.
Upper margin formation
on the pubic synthesis...
indicates early 30s.
The victim's C5 and C6 vertebrae
have been fused.
Uncommon for someone that young.
Hmm.
If we find the doctor who performed the
procedure, we can identify the victim.
How about the corpse
that's trying to sodomize me?
We have to separate
Michelangelo and the corpse.
There we go.
What about a laser?
No. No lasers.
I-I-I agree with this smart
and beautiful angel.
Well, the smart and beautiful
angel is gonna go find out...
who fused
our victim's neck bones.
Okay, fracture lines from the obscured
region and onto the zygomatic,
indicative of a perimortem
trauma to the facial bones.
The arrow's clearly visible
on either side of the victim's skull,
but it didn't actually pierce it.
Steve Martin?
Michelangelo's real name
is Steve Martin?
It's a gag. The ends of the arrows
are connected to a plastic headband.
Steve Martin? No?
It's a gag.
Thus, irrelevant.
Mr. Fisher, find a way to separate
Michelangelo and Steve Martin...
- without damaging the evidence.
- Okay.
Everyone here is this weird combo
of smart and dumb.
- Hey.
- Dr. Saroyan nixed the laser.
I knew she would,
which is why I brought this.
Oh, God. What did he bring?
Peanut butter.
Peanut butter?
I'm not a piece of toast.
The oils in the peanut butter...
will break down the cohesion
of the cyanoacrylates.
- Wha-
- The glue will unstick.
This guy's gonna rub me down
with peanut butter?
- Yep, and then cut off your clothes.
- Um-
How's about she does that?
Did you do that?
No.
Oh, my God.
- You're-You're Zed.
- No, I'm not.
You-You are.
You-You painted that.
It's you.
- The artist Zed?
- What's a Zed?
Zed's a legend-mysterious street
artist that nobody's ever met.
My name is Seth Zalinsky.
Okay, well, at least we got his name out of him.
- Come on.
This mook isn't the elusive
and brilliant Zed.
Look at him.
I know my rights.
You can't just pin me down...
and slather peanut butter
all over my private self.
- What if we sedate you?
- Depends.
What do you got?
My name is Denny Bennet.
I'm the manager of Tele-Com Inc.
Telemarketing.
I filed a Missing Persons report...
on one of my employees,
Morgan Donnelly, three days ago.
Why is he talking like that?
I don't know.
The company lawyer told me to
speak clearly, tell the truth,
and I'd have nothing
to worry about.
Right. Well, you have
one hell of a lawyer.
Did you find, uh, Morgan?
Yes. He's dead.
Donnelly's dead?
Dead dead?
- We identified him by his neck operation.
- He was murdered.
Oh, my God.
That can't be.
How am I supposed to go on?
Donnelly's my heir apparent.
I've been grooming him,
and now I've got nobody.
What do you sell at Tele-Com?
Everything.
Last few weeks, we've been selling
a time-share in Muncie, Indiana-
gateway to Indianapolis.
- And he could sell that?
- Yeah, he can-could sell anything.
Did anyone resent Donnelly?
Enough to kill him? NO.
Did he have difficulty
with anyone?
His girlfriend stormed
into the office last Friday,
hollered at him
in front of everyone.
Claimed he was cheating on her.
Like she's one to talk.
Are you implying that
she herself was unfaithful?
Implying? Hell, I'll say it directly.
She was a cheater.
- And how do you know?
- She cheated on me with Donnelly.
So you're telling me that
he stole your girlfriend.
Wow. That really must have
pissed you off. At first.
But it's, like, a year ago.
Wait. Am I a suspect?
Most definitely. I wanna
talk to the company lawyer.
In a sign of good faith, why don't you cough up
the name and the address of the cheater girl?
I had to pry this peanut butter
out of Angela's hands.
Apparently, she needed the comfort
of some smooth P.B. this morning...
after being caught making
an illegal right on red.
Ah, police trap.
Corner of Broadway and Nash.
Been there, done that.
I feel-You know how when you
wake up on Sunday morning,
and you smell your mom
making breakfast?
Your dad's trying
to make her dance...
to some ancient Tears for
Fears song about shouting.
It's weird
when the remains talk.
This is gonna work?
Is that you,
sweet, chocolate angel?
Oh, my God.
What did you give him?
Some stuff for depression,
mood swings, panic disorder-
Okay.
I don't wanna know.
What I heard-
cup of chamomile tea.
- Okay. We're done.
- Okay.
Hey.
- You good for a few moments?
- I am good for “eterninity.”
Let's go.
You here for my sponge bath?
That would be transcendent.
Admit that Seth Zalinsky
is not your only name.
Well, in high school,
they called me Tripod.
Oh, now I'm very sad.
You did this.
You're Zed.
Zed is not my nickname.
It's my alter ego.
Much bigger deal.
I'm very honored
to meet you. Really.
I mean, you are a wonderful,
wonderful artist.
And you are really young,
which is so much more
impressive somehow.
I am totally babbling
because I am starstruck.
- That's what it is.
- You wanna make out?
You know, time was
I would have jumped you,
but I am a married woman now,
so I'm just gonna kiss you
because of who you are.
Okay?
I felt something move.
Don't ruin my moment.
On my back.
I think the dead guy's
separating.
You really didn't
have to come, Bones.
You said you wanted me
to come with you.
Where are we going?
I'm gonna go talk to the hollering,
cheating girlfriend.
No. I mean, my Prius has a
voice-activated navigation system.
Oh. 709 Windsor Drive.
Enter an address.
709 Windsor Drive.
Searching.
- Now you don't have to unfold and refold a map.
Wait a second. I like maps.
What's wrong with maps?
Well, maps cannot tell you the amount
of traffic you should expect...
en route to your destination.
- Look at that.
- See? Now we can relax,
talk about interesting things.
This is not how the cowboys
settled this country.
The cowboys
didn't have antibiotics.
Do you also wanna die from a
skinned knuckle? Sometimes.
Cowboys didn't settle
this country. Farmers did.
Alexa! The F.B.l.
wants to talk to you!
You know, you shouldn't feel bad
about living with your sister.
The current trend
of delaying marriage,
along with the economy,
means that people have to adapt.
However, it does
complicate the sex life.
Tell me about it.
Hey. I'm Alexa. Can I help you guys
with something?
Like to ask you a few questions
about Morgan Donnelly.
Here we go.
Mm-hmm.
I'm afraid he's dead.
Of course he is.
Did he get crushed by a
falling anvil or something?
No, that is not correct.
We believe you had an altercation
with him a few days ago.
I find their upbeat demeanor
highly suspicious.
This is a serious situation.
He may have been murdered.
Murdered! Oh!
[ Seth 1
Ow! Ow!
Ow! Okay,
careful, Mr Fisher.
Oh, it's his hair, that's all.
There we go.
It is with great pleasure
that I divorce these skulls.
Massive blunt-force trauma
to the facial bones.
The victim's skull
is totally smashed in.
Did I do that when I fell on him?
'Cause I didn't do it on purpose.
No. The fracture lines
on the zygomatic bones...
indicate the trauma was
sustained around time of death.
Which was five days before you fell on him.
- Whoa! Whoa! Wait! There could be-
- Whoa!
Blowflies.
That explains
the constant buzzing.
You are a very calm young man.
Pharmaceutically enhanced calm.
Third instar larvae.
The victim died five days ago.
Five days ago was Friday-
the same day the victim's
girlfriend accused him of cheating.
God, it's so weird
when they move.
That felt good.
Almost as good as when
that Asian chick kissed me.
- Wait. What?
- That Asian chick kissed me.
Let's clean Mr. Zalinsky up,
and in some kind of clothes.
Oh, come on. I already slathered
him with peanut butter,
plied him with pharmaceuticals, now
I got to give him a sponge bath?
What Asian chick did you kiss?
Did the F.B.l. really call in a
psychiatrist because I laughed?
Now you all think I'm
some sort of psychopath?
I'm actually a psychologist,
Ms. Eaton.
But, um, yes,
Agent Booth called me in...
because he was struck
by your sudden mood swing.
I'm not a psycho.
Can you tell me how you feel
about Morgan Donnelly's death?
Um, I'm very upset.
Look at me.
Can you tell me why you laughed?
Because I thought it was another
one of Morgan's practical jokes.
He was a joker?
Yes.
And I thought it was his way of
totally making up after our fight
What fight? A girl walked
up and kissed him.
I figured he didn't need
to enjoy it so much.
A girl just walked up
and kissed him?
Yeah, right on the lips.
Some tongue action too.
She recognized him.
What? I was not aware that telemarketers
attracted that kind of notice.
Morgan was a comedian, okay?
The telemarketing gig,
it was just temporary.
Okay, that explains
the fake arrow through his head.
Morgan had an amazing sense of humor.
Girls like that in a guy.
Yeah? I always
thought that that was a lie.
So, was Morgan's sense of humor
the reason why you left his boss?
Look, if you met Denny, you'd
know why I went for Morgan.
You think Denny could have
killed Morgan out of jealousy?
After a year? Even Denny
thinks faster than that.
Okay, and when was
the last time you saw Morgan?
He came over for dinner
that same night, Friday.
And then I went to work.
I'm a bartender. You can
check that out. Sure.
And then when I came home,
Morgan wasn't there.
I didn't kill Morgan.
I loved him.
You know who you
should be looking for?
Whoever put that arrow
gag on his head.
That wasn't his?
No way.
He hated that shtick stuff.
His material was cerebral.
You wouldn't by any chance have
footage of Morgan's stand-up?
My brother, Elliot,
recorded every show.
Mr. Fisher, if we are
to determine the murder weapon,
it is of the uttermost importance
that the remains be clean.
Dr. Hodgins has a plan.
I don't know if you're aware, but
I do a bit of stand-up myself.
I imagine you are
not very skilled at it...
as you are not
a humorous person.
My routine is dark, disturbing
and uncomfortable,
just the way
a comedy show should be.
Notice the large number
of chips and fragments.
Also how the chip itself
is fragmented.
Huh. One blow
created the chip,
a second or a third
shattered it again.
The victim was struck in the face
several times with a blunt object.
- Do you find that amusing?
- Amusing? No.
Darkly illuminating
in a manner...
which allows us to laugh defiantly
into the yawning abyss?
That's hilarious.
- I'm sorry. I'm trying to see the hilarity,
but all I see is a man who was
beaten in the face until he died.
Sorry.
Hey, did you get anything
off the laughing girlfriend?
Oh, Alexa Eaton
and her brother laughed...
because they thought you and Dr.
Brennan were a prank.
Oh, there's your motive for murder
right there-practical jokes.
I mean, hey, everybody, you know-
they hate practical jokers.
The victim was
a stand-up comedian.
Well, that would explain, you
know, the arrow through the head.
Mm-hmm. The killer might
have been another stand-up.
Where would you get that?
The arrow on the head could have been
placed there as a mark of derision-
you know, an insult.
Whoa, whoa.
Why? That's a funny bit.
Yeah, it's a classic.
Uh, so I went through some of
Morgan Donnelly's stand-up routine,
came up with some
interesting clues and insights.
Arrow through the head,
that's a-That's a funny gag.
Yeah. ls,
was and always will be.
Uh, let me know when you wanna
hear the rest of my insights.
I have visual aids.
Okay, great.
I laugh out loud
all the time I see that.
The arrow through the head.
It's funny.
- Who did all this stuff?
- Uh, what are you doing here?
They told me I could sleep on the couch.
Did you paint this?
Um-
Yes. Yes, those are mine.
Why are you in my office?
I don't know.
I think they roofied me.
It was pretty great.
I do remember your husband
was peeved that you kissed me.
Oh, yeah.
Let me worry about Hodgins.
Middle-class, suburban hang-ups
and sexual values.
What are you, like, 19?
Oh, so you think my idealistic
approach to art is adolescent?
But it looks to me like you used
to have some ideals of your own.
Before you got married,
had a baby, started painting-
What the hell
is that supposed to be?
Uh-
Do you want me to call you a cab
or-No, I can find my own way.
I have since I was an adolescent.
Hmm.
You're the only person in the world
who knows my secret identity.
Okay, Batman.
I'd appreciate it
if you didn't tell anyone.
Let me guess.
You're keeping it pure, right?
You wanna make it about the art
and not about the artist.
Some things are easy
to make fun of.
Doesn't mean
they're not important.
I'll make you a deal.
You keep your lips zipped,
and tonight, I'll take care
of Broadway and Nash.
Okay. Your secret
is safe with me.
You have excellent...
technique.
Know what' else
is completely made up?
“General anxiety disorder. ”
Yeah, you know what this is?
It's called life.
That is exactly what
you need to do-get' a life!
Sir, if I've said anything
to offend you,
please, please know
that lam delighted
That heckler can be heard
on several of the tapes.
Every single time, Donnelly
humiliates him in front of the crowd.
How many times you hear
the same heckler?
About a dozen, and I haven't
even been through all the tapes.
- Is that normal?
- One heckler, time after time?
I asked Fisher.
Fisher the intern?
Fisher the comic?
Fisher's funny?
Not at all. He's kind of an underground
sensation though. It's brilliant.
Fisher said it's not normal. If
anyone knows heckling, it's Fisher.
Okay, how do we I.D.
the heckler? Easy.
His name's Larry Baron. He's another comic,
crappy. Him and Morgan hate each other.
Why didn't you just tell me that?
You didn't ask.
Fine.
Where can we find him?
- He's the bartender at Laughtastic's.
- Laughtastic's. Great.
So, why did you tape all of Morgan
Donnelly's stand-up routines?
He was my sister's boyfriend.
He hired me.
He was my mentor, and I fed
him lots of good ideas.
He said I was his muse.
Not in, like, a creepy sex way or anything.
It was in a funny way.
Anyway, you think you could
introduce me to Fisher?
Probably not 'cause of the
murder investigation, huh?
Is it too weird?
You're gonna get dermestid
beetles in my peanut butter.
The beetles will eat what's
left of the victim's flesh.
And for peanut butter, nothing
beats Gromphadorhina portentosa,
a.k.a. the Madagascar
hissing cockroach.
So, this victim, did you
ever hear of him?
He was a popular comic.
Sure sign you've transgressed
the unwritten rule of comedy.
I thought the only rule
in comedy was to be funny.
Tragically, you're not
the only one who thinks that way.
Well, if you ask me-
It gets no better
than the Stooges.
Unfettered psychopathic violence!
Hilarious, right?
Not really
when you put it that way.
Might I recommend next time watching
with the volume turned off?
The absence of the cartoon sound
effects makes it much more violent.
Yeah, I know Morgan Donnelly.
Uh, you gonna order
a drink, or what?
Yeah, we'll have some water. Must
be tough on a guy like you, huh?
Serving drinks, has to watch other
comedians on stage do their thing.
Are you kidding?
That's like telling a Jew
he doesn't wanna be in Mecca.
In point of fact, Mecca is the
center of the Muslim world.
It would be completely rational
for a Jew to avoid Mecca,
especially during hajj.
Yeah, I'm fine.
So... okay?
Morgan Donnelly's dead.
Yeah, I heard that.
It's terrible.
Is it true that he once told
you, in front of a crowd,
that if he wanted to hear from
an ass, he would have farted?
Yeah, he did say that.
He got a huge laugh too.
We have proof that he humiliated you
at least 20 times in front of audiences.
What? Oh. I get it.
No, that wasn't a joke.
I know it wasn't a joke. I know what
is a joke and what isn't a joke.
I'm not sure you do. Now, don't heckle him,
Bones. He might want to kill you next.
Oh, you got it all wrong.
Look, me and Morgan-
it was a setup.
- Setup? He wanted you to heckle him?
- Definitely.
Definitely. All those
lines that he used on me?
You know, like the fart one?
Or he'd say, um,
“There's an alcoholic
who should stay anonymous.”
I wrote all those.
- Why?
- It was my way of, uh, getting laughs.
Bonus-It made the audience
like Morgan, you know,
so it's a win-win situation.
Right. Well, thanks for
your cooperation. Come on.
- Booth.
- Yeah?
The man in this flyer has a
fake arrow through his head.
Oh. Yeah.
That's Rex.
And let me tell you.
Now that Donnelly is gone, he's
gonna get the Friday night slot,
so that's got to make you
suspicious, right?
You comedians really
stick together, huh?
This could very well
be the murder weapon.
- Where's Rex now?
- Uh, he's warming up.
- Where's your arrow through the head?
- Somebody stole it.
I never thought to report it
directly to the F.B.l.
Who stole it?
- Could've been anyone. That bit is classic.
I think-I think so too.
It is funny.
But my prime suspect-a so-called
comic, so-called Morgan Donnelly.
Okay, why do you
think he stole it?
Guy's a natural thief-
props, jokes, women.
He steals it all.
- He's dead.
- Murdered.
Sorry to say,
that was bound to happen.
You really do
hate this guy, huh?
Both personally
and professionally, yes.
Whoa. Rex's mallet tested
positive for blood.
Positive for what?
Blood.
Now, that's funny.
Yes, I kissed him.
Why?
It wasn't a you-me kind of kiss.
This was a “musty
old auntie” kiss.
Yeah? Well, your “musty old auntie” kiss
is the best kiss that kid ever got.
Why are you being jealous?
Because he's... cool.
You know?
And I'm... not.
And-I don't know-if you ever leave me,
it's gonna be for someone who's cool.
Cool isn't really
a thing anymore.
Thank you for proving my point.
You still haven't told me
why you kissed him.
Yeah, I-I promised him I
wasn't gonna tell anybody, and-
I will tell you, though, because
you are not just anybody.
I kissed him because...
he's a great artist.
And his art is
changing the world.
He's Zed.
Well, it's hard
to argue with that.
You know what he said
about my work?
He said that I have...
“excellent technique.”
Well, that's great.
No. No, honey,
it's not great.
Well, “excellent”
usually means great.
Brennan's got the murder weapon.
Okay, listen, just-
No more kissing any artists...
or anyone else for that matter.
Yeah? We good?
Yes, honey, we are good.
You know why?
Because I have
excellent technique.
Which is not good.
Exactly.
[ Saroyan
Ready? 1
Just reinserting the last
few pieces of dentition.
Speaking of which, I found some
slivers of tooth in some flesh...
that might have been a part
of the victim's stomach.
Bashed in the teeth,
swallowed the fragments?
Makes sense to me.
So let's hear it.
Excuse me?
You're a comedian, right?
Can I hear one of your jokes?
Oh, I don't do jokes,
Dr. Saroyan.
I do raw, unfiltered honesty.
Let me hear some raw,
unfiltered honesty then.
As you wish.
I am incapable of truly
loving another human being.
For that reason,
I will never sire an heir.
Okay. Well, then.
Uh-oh. We have
a tad too much tooth.
Are you still doing
your comedy here, or-
No. No, you literally
have too much tooth.
Hold the laughs.
This is not tooth.
I'm back to my day job now,
Dr. Saroyan.
You don't have to laugh.
What's that? Visual aid.
Joke one. “I love to brag about how
modest I am.” - That's not funny.
Mm-mmm. But it is both self-centered
and self-deprecating.
Joke number two.
“I dated a 14-year-old once,
but I was 14, too,
so it wasn't a big deal.”
Wait. So you're saying that our victim was a
self-centered, self-deprecating child abuser?
No, no, no. I'm saying that
joke one and joke two...
weren't written
by the same person.
How can you tell?
Well, the notion of taking a subject
as disturbing as pedophilia,
turning it on its head to create something
as sweet and innocent as young love...
tells me that this joke was
probably written by a woman.
Mm-mmm. Mr. Cantaloupe said
our victim stole the jokes.
I agree. Okay, how does
a comedian do that?
Fisher says that open mike nights are
the best place to steal fresh jokes.
Okay? Now, Laughtastic's has an open
mike night, and Donnelly was a judge.
Great. I'll just go there and
get the information. Thanks.
How?
How? How I usually do it.
I'll go there,
ask some questions with Bones,
and she'll be on the lookout
for somebody with a limp,
which means that they fell in love
with a 14-year-old, and we go home.
That's how. Fisher and
I have a better idea.
Fisher again. You go to
the open mike night.
You tell some of the jokes
I've marked as stolen,
see if anyone gets mad.
Why me?
I have to keep an eye out for subtle
reactions from the audience...
and Fisher's too well-known.
He and I have written
some original jokes for you.
You pepper in some of the stolen stuff,
see if anyone lays claim to them.
You and Fisher
wrote me a comedy routine?
Okay-
The blue jokes I wrote, all right?
The yellow ones, stolen.
- The black ones-
- Fisher.
Yep. You have
about a half an hour.
What?
“Is it just me, or are circles pointless?”
What?
Multiple radiating fracture lines
originating on the glabella,
terminated by fracture lines
on the maxilla.
Just as we suspected,
multiple blows.
I come bearing bad news. The
mallet was not the murder weapon.
Why was there blood all over it?
False positive from the peroxidase enzyme
found in turnip juice.
I hate to think how many turnips
this man bludgeoned to death.
What about Dr. Saroyan's fragments?
Ceramic.
Let's have Angela recreate
the fracture pattern on the Angelatron.
Okay, I'll let her know.
Okay.
All right. Let's give it up...
Are you nervous? I've had
people try to kill me, Sweets.
How could cracking jokes
make me nervous?
Just remember to look relaxed,
as though you own the stage.
Stop with the advice. Just-Please?
Okay, Fisher's here.
If it looks like you're in
trouble, he'll heckle you.
Why are you making such
a big deal about this?
Welcome to the stage for the
first time, Cee-Lo Booth!
Seeley, not Cee-Lo.
Hey, what do you want? I went to
public school.
So-
Good evening.
Thanks for coming out tonight.
You know who has
a lot of great ideas?
- Lamps.
- Ha!
I hate my father. I mean, not
for what he's done to me,
but for what he
hasn't done to me.
Laugh. Laugh at the emptiness
of my pain.
Is it just me,
or are circles pointless?
Oh!
[ Laughs 1
So far this act is pointless.
All right, pal, you wanna quit shooting your
mouth off before I shoot it off for you?
Oh, my God. Booth is funny.
Almost funny.
I once shot an unarmed man. I mean, sure,
I shot off both of his arms, but still-
So I was at-I was at the trial,
and the prosecutor says to me on the
stand, “Did you kill that man?”
I said, “No.” He says, “You know
what the penalty for perjury is?”
I said, “Yeah, it's a lot less
than the penalty for murder.”
Why-Why am I even here?
Fine.
So, uh-
Well, how about the guy
who invented tanning beds?
I mean, the nerve. Who looks at the
sun and says, “Hey, I can do better”?
I went to a cello recital the other night.
It was-It was a solo show.
Meaning I was the only person
in the audience.
Even I didn't get that one.
Nobody likes a cello. It's just
a violin with size issues,
which is also a joke I wrote,
like the others that you stole.
F.B.l. You're coming with me.
Annie Pinkus. Right.
So, quite a coincidence that you work
at the same place as the murder victim.
Two comedians working
a telemarketing day job?
Yeah.
Bizarre coincidence there.
Mm. Were you having an affair
with Morgan Donnelly?
No. Why?
It says here Donnelly's girlfriend comes in
ripping him a new one about a third woman.
Maybe you didn't know
about either one of them.
Twice the jealousy,
twice the motive?
Three times. See, he was stealing
your jokes. He deserved to die.
I was not sleeping with Morgan,
and he was not stealing my jokes.
Well, I told a couple of your jokes.
You accused me of stealing.
Yeah, Morgan bought my jokes-$25 a pop
plus a piece of the back-end deal...
if he went on Letterman,
HBO, you know, whatever.
I could see why you didn't wanna
save those jokes for yourself.
I'm not funny. I write
funny, but I'm not funny.
Some people are funny, like you.
Others like me, we do better off
writing for the funny people.
So you expect me to believe that Morgan
Donnelly's death hurt your career.
Hells yeah. He was about to move
to New York, do comedy full time.
Is this the real deal
or was this just the pipe dream?
For reals. He had bookings-
TV shows, clubs.
You can check it out.
Look, what you think is a
motive for me to murder...
is actually the complete
opposite of a motive for murder.
That's irony, and it's
definitely not funny.
Capisce?
So after pulling out
the postmortem damage...
that was caused
by Zalinsky's skull,
I used the intersections of the
radiating fracture lines...
to determine
that the facial trauma...
was actually a result
of three separate blows.
Here are the results
of the initial blow.
It appears that
the force of this blow...
and the force of the blow that broke the
victim's metacarpals are nearly identical.
The weapon is the same one
that broke his metacarpals.
Please bring up the results
of the second blow.
Uh, fracturing to the dentition,
mandible, maxilla
and zygomatic bones.
The killer either picked up a
larger weapon to finish the job...
or he swung a lighter weapon
with greater force.
Well, here are the results
of the third blow.
Okay, I-I'm sorry.
I know what this
looks like to you,
but this entire sequence here,
it's the Three Stooges.
It's classic comedy
in three blows.
I mean, the weapon's
gonna be a frying pan.
This strike caused
fragments of the glabella...
to pierce the victim's brain.
Death blow.
Which is not funny. No, it's not.
Based on the amorphous
wound pattern,
the murder weapon is curved
upon its horizontal axis.
Curved, ceramic,
like a large vase?
Angie, I just sent you the results of the
core sample I took from the shard of ceramic.
Hmm. Was it a vase? Not unless
it was a vase full of urine.
It was a toilet? Ding-ding-ding!
And the prize goes to the little
lady wearing the blue lab coat.
Sorry. Yeah, I-I got excited.
So his head was
smashed into a toilet? Classic.
The first blow occurred...
when the victim had his hand
on the edge of the toilet.
His face was smashed
into his hand.
Comedian killed
by a brutal swirly.
So he was draped over the toilet,
puking, when he was killed.
I'm-Swirly.
So, how many toilets are
there in the metro D.C. area?
Oh. Uh, approximately
five and a half million.
How is that you know that?
There is approximately one toilet per
person in the United States of America.
Do you want me to figure out how much time
it would take to inspect each toilet?
- No, we don't have to do that.
- Why not?
Why? I'll just get,
you know, a warrant...
for all the toilets that
the victim used regularly,
and we'll start with that.
And when I say “we,”
I mean Hodgins.
1,250,000 man-hours.
W-What? That's how long it would take
to check out every toilet in D.C.
Once you start with the math,
you don't stop, right?
I think everyone's like that, don't you?
Yeah, I think so, definitely.
Go math.
Math people forever, right?
Tell us about the last time
you saw Morgan Donnelly.
I already told
the other young man.
I made him dinner here.
What did you make?
Beef Stroganoff,
salad, ice cream.
Did you feel well afterwards?
Yes. I went to work.
I was fine.
The F.B.l. checked out my alibi.
You already know.
Was Morgan feeling all right when
you left the house? He was fine.
He and Elliot were gonna watch some
soccer game and write jokes about it.
Did your brother mention
feeling sick the next morning?
Why? Do you think
my cooking killed Morgan?
Well, we have evidence that
Morgan became ill that night.
It is very likely that he died
while vomiting into your toilet.
Oh, my God. Do you really think
that I poisoned Morgan to death?
No. Morgan Donnelly died by someone
smashing his head into the toilet bowl.
I want a lawyer.
And I want one for my brother.
Morgan was moving to New York.
That's not true.
What made him vomit?
He was drinking a lot, you
know, to work up the courage.
Courage for what?
Tell my sister he was going
to dump her and take off.
You didn't know any of this?
So it was a matter
of defending your sisters honor?
Not only. I did all that work
with Morgan and taped him.
He was supposed to be helping me put my
own act' together; but he wash 7 gonna-
He said something like,
“A comic has to be tough,
make tough calls and leave
behind people he'd outgrown.”
He's sitting there
telling me all this stuff ..
With a stupid arrow in his head.
I got mad and-
Poor Elliot.
/...
did what I did.
Then I wrapped him up
in a shower curtain,
drove him out to that woodsy
area under the billboard,
came back,
cleaned up the bathroom,
put the shower curtain
back up and-
Okay, he's here.
He's here. He's here.
What if he hates it?
Angela, it's okay.
He's leaving.
Forget it.
Okay-
Hey!
Zed!
Zed!
Man, shut up, okay?
Married people tell
each other everything?
Why didn't you paint something?
Somebody beat me to it, man.
I got nothing better to say
than she did.
You mean
you-you like it?
I love it.
But your technique blows.
Hey, you can't talk
to her-Hodgins.
It was a compliment.
Sweets told me that you were
really funny at the comedy club.
Oh, he wrote me some jokes.
No, he said that you bombed
when you told his jokes...
but that the audience laughed
when you got mad.
Wait a second, all right? You're the one
who said that comedy comes out of anger.
I have been
a very good influence...
on the sophistication
of your thinking.
I'm a very sophisticated man.
Laughter can also be made to make
people helpless and vulnerable.
Perhaps that's why some comics say “I
killed tonight” or “I slaughtered them.”
- Side-splitting.
- Yes. Exactly.
Humor is a kind of viol-
Oh, my God.
Don't move. You have
an arrow in your head.
No, Bones, it's a joke. I'm sorry.
You tried to scare me,
but I scared you right back.
That is funny. I was trying
to make you laugh, okay?
And then you scared me.
All right, that's not funny.
- You and Sweets, you're not funny.
- Wha-Really?
Well, will you tell me one of
Sweets's jokes? Okay, fine.
You know who's got good ideas?
Who?
Lamps.
Lamps. Yes.
Yes, yes.
Lamps have good ideas because
they have lightbulbs going on.
That's not funny.
That's really-
it's really funny, Booth.
One more. Tell me another. Okay, fine.
Is it just me, or are circles pointless?
Sweets is a genius.
Circles are pointless
because they are round!
Get it?
One more, Booth.
Pointless. Booth?
Booth?
Booth! Booth!
What's that mean?