Bones (2005–2017): Season 5, Episode 4 - The Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood - full transcript
A corpse found roasted in a neighborhood party barbecue pit is identified as missing dentist Kurt Bissette. He had not only upset neighbors with his windmill and by nearly poisoning the gay...
- [Squeaking, Clattering]
- [Man] Mary, don't run, honey.
?? [Hawaiian Band, Man Vocalizing]
?? [Man Singing In Hawaiian]
[Woman]
Everybody, I've got fresh pineapple
- ? Aha ?
- [Chattering]
?? [Chorus Singing In Hawaiian]
[Woman]
I just baked It. Help yourself.
♪ Sometimes you're sweet
Sometimes you're sour ♪
- ?? [Continues In Hawaiian]
- [Man Laughing]
- Hey!
- ? Think about you every day, every hour ?
- ?? [Continues, Indistinct]
- Hey! Back off, sailor.
Grabbing the gay guy's coconut boob.
- Real cool, Dad.
- Your old man is cool.
- Right, Nate?
- Massively cool, Bob. You're a glacier.
Aren't any of these nonalcoholic?
It would do you some good to have
a couple drinks, loosen up a little.
All due respect, James. I don't even
understand why gays want to get married.
Elliot, for the same reason we do-
family, kids.
- The American dream.
- Exactly. Thank you, Paula.
Our house has been on the market
for 10 months. Nobody wants
the American dream anymore.
Eliot, you're gonna love the burbs
once we have a couple of kids.
- [Loud Popping]
- [Man] Whoo-wheel What's going on?
- [Woman] Let me take your picture.
- [Man] Awl
- It's coming from the luau pit.
- Hey, Trey. What's that noise?
And for God's sake, Bob,
he's a gardener, not a servant.
He works for the homeowners association,
which means he works for us.
- Am I wrong?
- Maybe the, uh, pig's eyeballs
explode when it's done.
No, it shouldn't be done
for a couple more hours.
- We should check and make sure
It's not burning.
- Yeah.
- [Woman] Looks good.
- All right. Step back.
- [Man] Here, piggy, piggy.
- All right. Look out. Get back.
- This Is kosher, right?
- Oh, yeah.
- Elliot, will you get the meat thermometer?
- Oh, my God.
What, hon?
[Man]
Great. I'm hungry.
- [Woman Groans]
- [Gasps]
Is that a person?
- [Bob] That's a person.
- [Nate] He's been cooked.
[Brennan] Why are you standing there
Like a security guard?
- Parker! Hey.
- Hi.
The remains we've been called
to examine were apparently barbecued.
Yes. In a luau pit, which is why I'm surprised
you'd bring Parker along.
L- Rebecca and her boyfriend won a night
at the Greenbriar. So, little kid's with me.
- I got him.
- Let's go see the cooked person.
- Geesh. You know our deal.
- Well, what's your deal?
We're not allowed to talk about the bad parts
of Dad's work until I have armpit hair.
You don't have any armpit hair last time
I checked. Not for a long time, kid.
- Angela, would you mind-
- Oh, no.
Sure. I get the situation here.
- You're with me, Parker.
- I wanna see the barbecued body.
Well, I agree. That does sound awesome.
But I have face paints that your dad
will never be able to get off...
no matter how hard he scrubs.
- They're basically tattoos.
- Okay. I'm with you.
You have a good time.
I'll come pick you up in a little bit, all right?
Have fun. Have fun with the face paints, kid.
- That's not true about the face paint, is it?
- You're with me, baby boo.
Ethnographic studies of the suburbs
Indicate a cultural Impulsion...
toward overt displays of status.
Of course, this competitive paradigm
can often result In aggression and violence.
There was this guy on my street
who cut his lawn on the diagonal.
The neighbors got angry.
Someone set his garage on fire.
Oh. I mean, yards, sidewalks, you know,
clean streets, birds flying by.
- Dead body in the barbecue pit.
- [Booth] Oh. Okay. You know what?
I'm gonna talk to the neighbors to see if anyone
who cut their lawn diagonally is missing.
[Brennan]
I think those are reflective lenses...
that have fused Into the supraorbital margin.
Nate and I moved to Verbena Court
about six months ago.
The luau pit came with the house.
We installed a lockable cover.
We don't want kids falling in.
- Uh, we're good neighbors.
- Who has a key?
Uh, just us. And there's one
with the Neighborhood Watch.
Okay. Uh, who put the pig in the pit?
Uh, me, Nate and Trey, at 9:00 this morning.
- Trey?
- Uh, Trey Jordan.
He's the gardener/handyman
for the homeowners association.
- Stop starring at him, James.
- You were just talking about him.
Guys, guys. When you put the pig in-
Uh, we didn't notice anything
down there but hot coals.
[Saroyan]
Forty-eight degrees Celsius.
That's what- an hour after they
drenched everything with a garden hose?
- Wish they hadn't done that.
- It's human nature, Dr. Brennan.
You see someone on fire, you put him out.
The prominent brow points to a male.
Wear on his mandibular teeth
puts his age at about 30 to 35.
We should remove the remains
and then let Hodgins get down here.
We have the luau every year.
- The pit was dug maybe-
- Four years ago, July.
Same time we planted our hydrangeas.
That reminds me. We should spray.
Yeah. We all helped with the pit.
It's, uh, four feet deep and lined with brick.
You burn the wood to embers.
- You cheat with charcoal.
- Don't call your dad a cheater, Paige.
Anyway, tons of embers going.
Then you throw down a layer of wet burlap.
Then wet leaves and wet burlap, chicken wire.
Then you lower the pig in and- voilà!
- Yeah. You're forgetting one thing there.
- I don't think so.
- Burlap, leaves-
- He means the dead guy under the pig, Dad.
Smart one in the family there.
So what made you crack open the pit early?
We heard little explosions,
like fireworks going off.
We found these In the pit.
[Booth]
Reflective aviators.
Those look like Mr. Bessette's glasses.
- Oh, my God.
- That's Kurt.
- [Paige] You must be mistaken.
- Hey, everybody! Looks like it was Kurt!
- [Gasping]
- [Woman] No!
- [Man] Not Kurt.
- Kurt?
[Crowd Chattering]
Who's Kurt?
- H-He and his wife live over there.
- Hmm.
[Man]
That's scary.
That was creepy.
Well, I warned you about the suburbs.
And you're certain It's Kurt?
I'm afraid so, Ms. Bessette.
Uh, his teeth matched the X-rays
your dentist provided.
Well, I already told the F.B. I. Guy
and the scary lady everything I know...
so I don't know what-
You mentioned that you and your husband
didn't really fit in with the neighborhood.
Uh, yeah. Uh, Kurt put up a solar panel
and a wind turbine, and it made everybody mad.
They thought they were pretty ugly.
They said it ruined the neighborhood, you know.
But he just wanted to save the planet.
There's nothing wrong with that, right?
No, it's quite a noble cause.
But it can kinda rub people
the wrong way sometimes.
When the gay couple's dog peed
on the wind turbine...
Kurt gave the dog a laxative
that nearly killed him.
- [Chuckling]
- Oh.
Well, that- That's not quite so noble.
[Laughs]
Neighbors don't forget a thing like that.
We got shunned.
I know what caused the mini explosions.
Would it have anything to do
with the pebbles embedded in the remains?
If by "pebbles" you mean the rudaceous
sedimentary stratified clast fragments, then yes.
Now, based on the amount of pyrites...
I'd estimate the porosity at approximately 25%.
It's Ideal for moisture saturation.
Meaning the pebbles exploded
when they got hot.
The "pebbles," as you so quaintly call them...
were all found on the same strata
as the human remains...
most likely dragged from the murder site.
Which explains why
they were embedded in the remains.
Yeah. All consistent in size and color.
Decorative perhaps.
I'll call you back.
- [Computer Beeps]
- These bones are not human.
- I assume they're pig.
- Yes.
- [Alarm Beeping]
- Time for prayers?
Yes, but I have a couple of minutes.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Why?
As a Muslim, I imagine you consider
this work unclean.
Yes. Well, as a Christian,
I imagine you feel the same way.
I have four femurs, 12 phalanges,
dozens of teeth, 12 canines.
Luau custom says throw
the pig bones back in the pit.
- Sorry. Sorry. Pig bones. God!
- I'm fine, Dr. Saroyan.
Perhaps the killer assumed
his victim's remains would never
be noticed amongst the pig bones.
- Arastoo, there's no reason
for you to be here.
- I appreciate your concern...
- but I am fine.
- No, really.
Most of us aren't devout here,
and I respect your religion.
"He hath forbidden you the flesh of swine...
"but if one is forced by necessity...
without willful disobedience, nor transgressing
due Ills, then Is he guiltless. "
The point Is, you shouldn't feel forced-
[Without Accent] I'm a scientist, okay?
Just like the rest of you.
I can deal, so please, just back off
and let me do my job like anyone else.
Wow.
[With Accent]
I apologize for my outburst.
Oh, you aren't even gonna try
to unring that bell, are you?
- [Beeping]
- I have to pray.
[Phone Ringing]
- [Beeps]
- Saroyan.
I found the rudaceous sedimentary
stratified clast fragment mother lode.
Uh, any signs of a struggle in the pebbles?
No.
Um, I call do-over.
They're covered in blood.
Lots of blood.
My friend's dad just got a new girlfriend.
He goes with his dad to her place
all the time to swim.
Oh, so he likes her. Well, that's good.
- Do you have a boyfriend?
- No, I'm on a celibacy kick.
It's been five months and nine days...
which, in celibacy time, is 400 years.
What does celibacy mean?
It's, um- I don't have a boyfriend. No.
- How about my dad?
- I don't think he has a boyfriend either.
No, he really, really needs a girlfriend.
- Really.
- Why?
- To sex up.
- That's very succinctly put.
- Could Dad sex you up?
- [Chuckling]
Don't think I haven't considered that,
but I'm sort of on the sidelines for now.
But thank you for thinking of me.
- Okay. Ready?
- Mm-hmm.
- Done.
- Cool.
- How'd you do that?
- I'm good.
How much blood did Hodgins find?
Plenty. He estimates a fatal amount.
Can you compare the blood
to the cooked guy and see if it's his?
- Well, he's pretty cooked, but we'll try.
- [Beeps]
Hodgins I.D.'d morning glory pollen between
the victim's eyeballs and his sunglasses.
- How is that relevant?
- Well, he said morning glories
only bloom after sunup.
Sunrise was 5:47 a.m.,
so we're close to a time of death.
Were you guys aware that Arastoo
doesn't really have an accent?
Yeah, he does.
Yeah, it's thicker
than Achmed the rug merchant.
Was that racist? It sounded racist.
I knew that, despite the fact
that Arastoo said he was Iranian...
his accent was Jordanian.
Well, don't you find it odd that he was faking
an Arab accent of any kind?
- Iranian isn't actually Arab.
- What? It's - Bones, it's weird.
Now, how is it any more odd than, say,
shaving your face or putting on makeup?
I'm not hanging up because I don't have
an answer to that. I'm just hanging up.
But- I had questions about the morning glories.
[Officer]
I appreciate it. Thank you.
So we understand that you and the deceased
had an altercation over your dog.
You think that we cooked him
because he poisoned our dog?
- Kurt did not poison our dog.
- Yes, he did.
Rocky peed on his stupid windmill,
so then he gave our dog chocolate laxatives.
Dogs don't react to that the way people do.
It's very difficult to overdose on laxatives.
All that will happen is-
- Rocky died from cancer.
- Maybe.
We'll never know because someone
wouldn't pay for a doggie autopsy.
Oh, my God. You won't let that go...
even though the F.B. I. Thinks
we killed Kurt for poisoning our dog.
- We don't think that he poisoned our dog.
- Well, he does.
Now that I think about it,
Rocky totally died of cancer.
Can you see anything
that would explain copious blood loss?
- [With Accent] Not so far.
As you can see here and here-
- Can it, bub.
- It's just you and me here.
- [Clears Throat]
[Without Accent] This mark here
on the scapula suggests a puncture wound.
That's barely a poke, right?
It would have been painful,
but no way it kills the guy.
Here, we see a bone laceration...
on the victim's proximal humerus,
adjacent to the greater tubercle.
Staining suggests that injury occurred
before he died.
- Is that bone splintering?
- Yes. Micro fragments.
I believe the laceration is the result of
a blow from a reciprocating-type weapon.
- Like-
- A saw.
I asked Dr. Hodgins to swab for particulates...
that may have been transferred from the blade.
- [Beeping]
- Here is the stab wound...
and laceration from the saw.
Neither blow's anywhere near
a major vein or artery.
Neither blow explains
the amount of blood on the pebbles.
I ran a metal detector through
all the crap we found at the bottom of the pit.
- Crap?
- Yeah, technical term. You know.
Bullet. Is that a.44 caliber?
Yep.
[With Accent] This seems to suggest
rather convincingly the reason for all the blood.
[Gunfire, Explosions]
- [Screeching]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second.
You and Parker discussed my sex life?
Well, we discussed your lack of sex life.
Angela, neither you, nor him- especially him-
knows anything about my sex life.
Well, he knows that Daddy ain't getting any,
and he's concerned.
He thinks you need a girlfriend, to have sex.
- He said that?
- Well, his exact words were "to sex up."
I think you need to talk to him honestly
about your love life.
- You kidding? No offense,
but I'm not talking about that.
- Hey.
- What?
- Wanna run our friendly
neighborhood suburbanites...
through the national gun permit database,
see if any of them own a.44?
- Hodgins found that in the pit.
- Hi, Dr. Saroyan.
Do you have a boyfriend?
- See, this is exactly how it started with me.
- Come on. Let's go.
I gotta get you back home.
Your mom's gonna kill me, all right?
Let me see this stuff. Does this stuff come off?
Oh, seriously, that's your big worry right now?
I hate Verbena Court- every last thing about It.
It's artificial. It's soulless.
That's why I'm trying to sell out.
It's ennui, Agent Booth. You understand that?
Looks kinda nice to me. It's good for kids.
They call it a cul-de-sac,
but what it is is a dead end.
So why'd you move there in the first place?
- Wife wants kids, kids want lawns.
- [Knocking]
- I got snookered in the math.
- Here you go.
Right. Thanks.
Snookered enough, uh, to snap?
[Chuckling]
So I own a handgun. So what?
I have a license. It's registered.
We found this bullet in the pit
with Bessette's body.
We checked out his bank records...
and you wired $5,000
into his account last month.
Verbena Court was built
with a limited amount of phone lines.
Bessette bought them all.
I wanted to put in a second line.
Your neighbor charged you $5,000
for a phone line?
Yep.
Then he spent the five grand
on putting up the damn windmill.
Okay. So he rips you off for five grand,
you snap and you shoot him.
No. [Chuckles] I should've shot him.
It wasn't Kurt I shot though.
- I shot the pig, the luau pig.
- Excuse me?
Bob Sayles and I found a farm
in North Carolina...
and paid to hunt our own pig.
With a handgun?
I'll give you the name of the farm.
Porky walked right up to us.
I popped him one between the eyes.
I barfed. Bob cried.
[Chuckling]
Suburban hunters. It's an oxymoron, my friend.
It's an oxymoron.
[Door Opens]
No, no, no, no.
You can't just walk In here and-
Arastoo Vazlrl, our Muslim Intern-
he's been faking his accent.
At first, I go where everyone else goes,
you know? Terrorist.
Wouldn't a terrorist fake not having an accent?
Is it crazy or just weird?
Weird I can deal with, but crazy-
- Wait. What do you want me to do?
- Oh, "crazy" is your department.
They went to a farm
and shot an innocent pig in the head?
Look, it's not a federal offense, Bones.
There's nothing we can do about it now, okay?
So let's just focus on the murdered human.
- Okay. So far we have a nick on the scapula-
- Mm-hmm.
Suggesting stabbing.
And splintering on the humerus,
which suggests sawing.
But neither explains bleeding out.
Sweets says he has something he'd like
to share with us in the conference room.
- Why does he say "share"?
Why can't he just say "show"?
- Shh. Okay. What do you have?
- Hey.
- Hey.
Suburbanites tend to put too much emphasis
on their outward accomplishments.
- Now, this creates a sense of detachment.
- Ennui.
- Very insightful.
- That's right.
All right. Uh, the inherent uniformity
and shared ideals of a planned community...
suggest that the neighborhood
can be psychologically analyzed...
as a single dysfunctional personality.
You mean you can look at it anthropologically.
You're gonna shanghai my whole discipline?
You're tapping into what anthropologists call...
"lines of influence, dominance and suasion."
Go on, Sweets. Just let him go on.
So we can, uh, look at the community
as a single dysfunctional personality...
dealing with sexual infidelity,
indebtedness, resentment.
- That's what I just said.
- Both of you, it's murder.
- We're either dealing with money or sex here.
- That's what I just said.
And this is where psychology can provide
an insight that anthropology cannot.
- I doubt that.
- Well, suburbanites, uh,
will not only lie to outsiders.
They'll lie to each other and to themselves.
What Sweets means is that societal norms
endemic to the suburban acculturation...
dichotomize exterior postures
and clandestine protocols.
Just give me one thing
that's gonna help me catch the murderer.
All right. Deal with all of these people...
as separate elements...
of one big collective personality.
Identify the threat that Kurt Bessette posed
to their psychological equanimity...
and the killer will emerge.
- I agree.
- Doesn't help me one bit.
[Sweets]
Why?
You seriously believe all that hoo-ha?
It's anthropology, so yes.
"Wrong-ology."
Keep your grubby anthro hands off my psych.
- Listen. Bones, I'll meet you down
at the car in five minutes.
- What?
- Five minutes.
- What?
[Exhales]
Okay. Look.
Parker has been asking all the women
that I work with to be my girlfriend.
The women you work with are beautiful.
Don't turn this into a conversation about sex.
My kid is eight years old.
Parker's preadolescent,
but he's very concerned with sex.
What he's concerned about
are shoes with wheels on 'em.
There are five stages
of psychosexual development:
- Oral, anal-
- Whoa.
Phallic, latent and genital.
Now, Parker's transitioning
from latent to genital.
At the genital stage, he's learning
to identify with his gender parent.
That's you.
He's looking at you to see his sexual future.
- How do I get him to stop?
- My advice is to let him see you
interact with a woman.
- Easy!
- No, not sexually. Socially.
Show him you're comfortable with women,
so he can learn to be the same way.
- Okay.
- Okay? Just like that?
- You're taking my advice?
- No, I just don't wanna talk
to you about it anymore.
Wait. This isn't my office.
[Man]
? It's the good Life ?
♪ Full of fun ♪
♪ Seems to be the Ideal ♪
♪ Yes, the good Life ♪
♪ Lets you hide all the sadness you feel ♪
[No Audible Dialogue]
♪ You won't really fall In love ♪
♪ 'Cause you can't take the chance ♪
♪ So be honest with yourself ♪
- ? Don't try to fake romance ??
- What are you doing?
"Alibis." Huh. That's very organized.
"At the time of the murder,
Mary Kay Sayles was biking...
[Both]
With James Perry and Elliot Lindbergh."
Thinking gay guy and burb hater
are out biking with church lady.
[Gasps] Oh, so you're thinking
they're a sexual threesome.
- Ah.
- What? Wow. No.
I was just thinking that one of these cyclists
was having sex with Kurt Bessette.
Oh. So we should find out where churchy lady's
husband, gay guy's boyfriend...
and burb hater's wife were at the time.
Man, if this turns out to be some suburban
key-party, threesome revenge slaying...
it's gonna get complicated,
and I'm gonna get all-
Hey, so I finally got through the particulates
left behind by the saw.
Three different organic remnants on the cut.
A hooked thorn from a Bougainvillea glabra.
A haw from a hybrid Crataegus monogyna
and nectar from a Syringa protolacinlata.
- See you later!
- Each plant was from a different yard.
- But all in the same reciprocating saw.
- Yeah.
- [Motor Whirring]
- Really?
Like, uh, that one
that Casanova gardener boy Is using.
So, my question Is, did you kill Kurt Bessette
on your own volition...
or did his wife talk you into it?
- What?
- Bessette was attacked
with your hedge trimmer.
Come on. Young, hot suburban gardener.
Bored suburban housewives.
- You're an ethnological trope.
- What?
Ice tea's not the only perk here.
Look, I had nothin; going
with Kurt Bessette's wife.
Let me make this a little easier for you,
shall we? [Clears Throat]
[Exhales]
Which one of these people
did you have something going with?
Paige Sayles.
The church lady's daughter.
Look, she's 18. She's legal.
And plus, it was her idea.
- And?
- [Chuckles]
Paula Lindbergh.
I think she's trying to get pregnant
so her husband would stay in the suburbs.
So, you mind being used as a stud horse?
[Chuckles]
Would you?
- Do these women know about each other?
- Not from me.
Then from who?
Mr. Bessette caught me and Mrs. Lindbergh
sloshing up her hot tub.
Where were you between the hours
of 5:00 a.m. And 8:00 a. M...
the morning of the luau?
I've got a girlfriend.
I mean, back in my neighborhood.
A real one who I love. I was with her.
Wow! That cul-de-sac is like a sex camp.
- What? There's a sex camp?
- No. No, no.
Listen. What were
your anthropological lines again?
Influence, dominance and suasion.
We both know that the murder victim wasn't
above shaking someone down for phone lines.
Maybe he finds out that Paula Lindbergh
is trying to make babies with the gardener.
He puts the squeeze on her. She kills him.
Casanova gardener boy-
[Clicks Tongue] helps out.
It definitely fits the paradigm.
I was afraid this would come up when
I heard you took Trey in for questioning.
You're right. So start talking.
I should never have made Elliot move
to the suburbs.
In a way, I emasculated him.
Oh, God. She's a therapist.
She talks like a therapist.
What, you remove a man
from an environment where he flourishes...
to a place where he feels Impotent,
he actually becomes Impotent.
Look, if you wanted a baby so bad,
why didn't you just move back to the city?
We owe more on this house than it's worth.
Even if Elliot could sell it,
we're stuck financially.
- What happened when Kurt Bessette
found you with the gardener?
- Nothing.
He smirked.
Did Kurt threaten to tell your husband
or blackmail you?
- Oh, no. He wouldn't dare.
- Why not?
Wait. You think that Kurt told my husband
about the gardener...
and so Elliot killed him?
Eliot puked when he shot a pig. Please.
Interlocking lines of suasion
between members of the collective...
result in multiple duplicities.
Oh, my God. She's an anthropologist.
- She talks like an anthropologist.
- Just answer the question.
Why wouldn't Kurt Bessette dare
tell your husband about the gardener?
I'm a trained therapist. I looked
at Kurt and Paige talking on the street.
I knew immediately the relationship
was clandestine, probably sexual.
Kurt Bessette was sleeping
with that 18-year-old girl.
I used that knowledge to ask
for our five grand back for the phone.
Kurt wouldn't have agreed if it weren't true.
If I were you, I'd be looking
at Paige's father for this murder...
not my Elliot.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, Paige. You want some of that?
- [Squeals] I'm gonna kill you!
- That never gets old.
Okay, yeah. Kurt and I hooked up.
I'm of age.
He didn't break any laws sleeping with me.
- What did you see in him?
- Kurt wasn't like the other guys from here.
He wasn't just cute. He-
He was committed to the environment,
saving our planet.
People hated him because he made them
feel ashamed that they weren't doing more.
Well, I think what they hated was the windmill.
You know, it's possible
having sex with you killed him.
No. Kurt was in awesome shape.
No, I didn't mean
that you gave him a heart attack.
What I meant was, it's possible that someone
who cares about you killed him.
- Like my dad, you mean?
- Or Trey, the gardener.
They didn't even know about Kurt.
Well, what if they did?
[Arastoo, With Accent]
Is this an official F.B.I. Investigation?
Do I need some kind of representation?
Yeah, the whole accent thing-
it's kinda out in the world.
[Without Accent]
I figured.
This place, the Jeffersonian-
they see things
in very black-and-white terms.
Comes with the gig. We're scientists.
Yeah.
But unlike any of them, you're religious.
- Muslim.
- Now, this man I see in front of me right now-
rational, pragmatic, highly intelligent.
That man might have to explain his religion to
people like that every single day.
- Whereas-
- Whereas a kid from the sticks of Iran...
newly arrived in the West-
it's no wonder he clings
to his cultural superstitions.
There you go. Frustrating enough
to drive a guy to fake an accent.
Which, in my professional opinion, is not crazy.
You're a pretty smart guy.
But I don't need a scientist
to tell me who or what I am...
and neither should you, Mr. Vazlrl.
- Thanks for coming by.
- Thank you.
Tox screen came back positive
for potassium nitrate...
which can be prescribed
for high blood pressure.
[On Speakerphone]
But Kurt Bessette was In very good shape.
Yes, we heard that from his teenaged girlfriend.
- [Booth] Enough to kill the guy?
- Nope.
He might have experienced
some muscle weakness, but otherwise,
saltpeter's fairly harmless.
Saltpeter is not harmless.
Okay? I went to Catholic school.
- That's a total myth, Booth.
- No, Booth did actually go to a Catholic school.
No, no, no. The nuns, they used to put
saltpeter in all the boys; milk at lunch...
so that we couldn't get-
so we could concentrate
without, you know- ping!
But how could you tell
it was in the boys; milk and not the girls'
- 'Cause the boys; milk was always frothier.
- And did it work?
- Well, not on me.
- Well, it didn't work on anyone, Booth.
Why people Insist upon believing
that old wives' tale...
In the face of all evidence,
I'll never understand.
Saltpeter acts as a blood thinner.
See? Thin blood could stop a guy from-
We've been saying that the two wounds
we found on the victim's body...
wouldn't be enough for him to bleed out.
But with saltpeter,
he could have bled internally...
from even minor soft tissue damage.
We'd never have seen the evidence
of that after he cooked.
We got probable cause of death.
Now we just need to find out
who fed Kurt Bessette the saltpeter.
I think you'll want to talk
to the cheating bastard's wife.
I begged Kurt to stop cheating on me.
I did everything I could
in the bedroom to make him stay.
I changed my hair. I went to the gym.
But when I went to work every day,
it was a "cat's away, mice play" situation.
And where'd you get the saltpeter?
Oh. Um, Nate and James
have stump remover...
and that's 98% saltpeter.
I figured that might be enough
to remove Kurt's stump from her garden.
Who else knew he was cheating?
Nobody.
- Unless her husband found out.
- [Whispers] Her husband.
Kurt Bessette was sleeping
with the church lady too.
- Do you think her husband
is capable of murder?
- Bob? No.
He's just a big dumbass nob
who thinks Verbena Court Is heaven.
That was before he knew the neighbor was
having sex with both his wife and his daughter.
I don't care how big
of a dumbass Bob Sayles is.
He finds that out,
he's gonna wanna kill her husband.
[Booth Clears Throat]
How did you find out about me and Kurt?
O- Only the two of us knew,
and- and Kurt's dead.
You were not the only person
that Kurt Bessette was sleeping with.
You mean, aside from his wife?
So I wasn't his only-
Who? Who else?
He was sleeping with your daughter, Paige.
You can understand why you're a suspect here.
Yes.
People kill out of jealousy.
I guess it won't matter if I deny it.
No, but you're not our prime suspect.
You see, you have an alibi.
You were out biking
with James Perry and Elliot Lindbergh.
So you think Kelly found out
and killed her own husband?
Paige? My God. She's only 18.
You think my Bob found out and killed Kurt.
[Exhales]
I found evidence of a homogenous mixture
of oily and waxy long chain...
which are nonpolar hydrocarbons
in, uh, this fracture of the skull.
Can't you just say "lubricant"?
Isn't that much quicker?
Arastoo must be finished looking
at the minifractures in that area.
Right? Where is he?
[Without Accent] Sorry. Sorry.
I just finished morning prayers.
The skull fracture is located high
on the frontal bone, right on the midline.
Whoa!
Who are you?
I don't have an accent. I was faking it.
But I am devout. I do pray five times a day.
Now, can we get back to work, please?
[Chuckling]
Oh, no, definitely not.
- How do we know you're not faking this accent?
- Does Brennan know about this?
Yes. She doesn't care.
She doesn't care.
- The midline fractures-
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Arastoo, things will go a lot faster
if you just explain.
When I speak as though I just got off the boat,
people accept my religious convictions.
Plus, fewer terrorist jokes.
- I don't know why.
- 'Cause they're afraid of you.
- You are so gonna pay for this.
- Yeah.
I have no doubt that is true.
Now, this wound
has a distinctive curve shape to it.
[Saroyan]
Well, It doesn't look very severe.
Corresponding microfractures
to the posterior cranium...
indicate that Kurt was hit
while resting his head on a hard surface.
So a weak blow that was delivered
when Kurt was already on the ground.
There's a concrete base on the wind turbine.
Bob Sayles is a big, burly man.
- Yeah, but he's a decent guy.
- What does that have to do with it?
Decent guys. They have a harder time hittin;
a guy when they're already down on the ground.
So not a weak blow, a halfhearted one.
This mark here could be congruent
with a golf club.
It's curved and metallic.
I could run up an image.
Most clubs have a brazing composition
to secure the titanium alloy on the club head.
I can check on that.
So, a reciprocating saw,
a golf club with some lubricant.
That just leaves
the puncture weapon unidentified.
- It takes a village, Bones.
- Well, uh- I beg your pardon?
A village.
To raise a kid properly, it takes a village.
But metaphorically. It doesn't mean we all
must grow up in hamlets of 800 people or less.
- Thanks. Um, will you be my village?
- Huh?
I need Parker to know
that I lead a full and rewarding life.
- But you don't.
- What? Yes, I do.
No, you don't.
You work too much. You don't socialize.
All of which prevents you
from having a full sex life.
Okay. Please, let's just take a hint
from the suburbs and just make it look good.
You want to know if I'll help you fool your son
into thinking your life is gratifying?
- Yeah. Will you do it?
- Well, h-how?
Come to dinner with us.
Have fun. Laugh at my jokes.
That might actually turn out to be fun...
thus becoming a self-fulfilling desire.
- Right. So, you'll do it?
- Yes.
- I will be your hamlet of 800 people or less.
- My village.
Well, I was being amusing.
You should laugh at my jokes too.
I'm laughing, on the inside.
So I just told Bob Sayles that both his wife and
daughter were having sex with Kurt Bessette.
- Was he shocked?
- Yeah. And he wasn't faking it.
Well, you shouldn't say that like it's a fact.
In my opinion, his dismay was genuine.
However, it's difficult to say whether
the shock was due to the sexual revelations...
or if we discovered information
he was keeping secret.
- I appreciate the distinction.
- Hold on to that for a second.
You do the best you can, you know?
You go to work. You bring home the bacon.
You raise a daughter.
- Either of you got daughters?
- Mm-mmm.
Well, that's the trip, man. Daughters.
I was so worried about Paige and that gardener
kid, I didn't see what was happening with Kurt.
But I mean, what do you d0-
preach abstinence?
Doesn't work in Alaska.
Why would it work on Verbena Court?
Did you suspect anything about your wife?
I gotta confess.
If I'd have known any of that,
I'd have killed the son of a bitch bare hands.
And there's not a jury in this country
that would convict me either.
That is untrue.
They most certainly would have convicted you.
- You don't have an alibi.
- I was home alone.
Sleepin; in after getting
that pig pit all dug and ready and lit.
Why would Mary Kay do this to me?
I've been a good husband, good provider.
- I took two jobs.
- Two jobs?
We only have you down
as a C.P.A. For an airline.
Yeah, well, me and Kurt
started a side business on the Internet.
You and Kurt Bessette
had a business together?
Yep. It was goin; good too.
Can you continue the business without him?
Nah. No way. He was the entrepreneur.
I just handled the books.
What kind of business was it?
The only kind that's recession proof.
[Garage Door Rolling Open]
Sex toys.
Guy goes Into the sex toy business
with another guy...
who commences to nail his wife and daughter.
Probably using some of the merchandise here
to double the fun, huh?
[Whip Cracks]
Bones, looks Like we found the lubricant.
Oh, my God.
Please tell me this has
something to do with the case.
This comprises the contents
of the Sayles family garage.
Brennan asked me and Arastoo
to look for possible murder weapons.
We did find the lube. It's enough
to make the whole neighborhood smile.
And there's this.
- Well, that looks scary.
- Wasn't a golf club.
No brazing agent or titanium.
- Could it have been this?
- Oh! Ouch.
What about this lubricant?
No. It's not the right lube.
Lubricant in the fracture contains hexane,
silicone, mineral oil and propellant.
Same kind used to lubricate a bicycle chain.
I think I found the weapon.
This point matches the puncture wound.
There's one of those signs
on every lawn in the cul-de-sac.
Bob Sayles is the head of the Neighborhood
Watch. He's the one that distributed the signs.
Huh. You're gonna need
to luminol every sign on Verbena Court.
You're gonna tell me to stop looking
through all of this stuff now, aren't you?
I'm afraid so.
I'll go tell Booth about the lube.
Spoilsport.
Finding likely murder weapons way too fast.
[People Chattering]
[Brennan]
Any blood, Hodgins?
[Spraying]
[Booth]
Nothin'?
- Booth.
- Yeah.
We're testing positive for blood here.
Someone stabbed him with his own sign.
Curved, metallic object
I thought might be a golf club?
- Her shoes.
- [Booth] Silicon lubricant.
You kicked Kurt Bessette in the head
while he was lying in the pebbles.
You were with James Perry
and Elliot Lindbergh that morning.
The three of you
each gave him a separate blow.
Any one of you could've taken the saw
from the gardener's truck.
- [Booth] And the sign from his lawn.
- We have alibis.
You're each other's alibis.
All three of you were together
at the time of death.
Your alibi just turned Into an anti-alibi.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- [Grunts, Groans]
- Take these three into custody, please.
- [Man] Yes, sir.
- Got it. Hands behind your back now.
- [Grunts]
Right now. Let's go.
[Handcuffs Ratcheting]
Three separate Injures to the body,
and three suspects.
Access to the luau pit.
The evidence indicates
that we caught the murderers.
Yeah, I believe you did catch the right people.
- Okay. Then what's your problem?
- Motive.
James Perry was angry
that Kurt poisoned the dog.
Elliot Lindbergh was ripped off for $5,000.
Right. My problem is all these motives
were a long time cooking, right?
These weapons-
a sign, the hedge trimmers, kicking him-
all suggest heat of the moment, right,
not premeditation.
- So you wanna know why they all snapped
at that precise moment.
- Yeah, yeah.
Now picture it.
It's dawn. Three cyclists are heading out.
They spot Kurt.
They approach him for some reason.
They argue. And then,
with all this pent-up rage, they attack.
One slice, one jab, one kick.
They didn't know that he was full of a blood
thinner, that he would die from the assault.
But why does this matter?
We already have the people responsible.
'Cause it's knowledge, Dr. Brennan.
It's insight into humans.
It's why I do what I do.
It's a good answer, Bones.
It was a good answer. Fine.
Okay, Kurt must've violated
some ethos of the suburbs.
Like cheating on his wife
or ripping off his neighbors.
Those are all accepted derivations
of the suburban ethos.
Cam said that one of her neighbors
had his garage burned down...
for cutting his lawn on the diagonal.
- [Windmill Squeaking, Clattering]
- The windmill.
- It was the last straw.
[Sweets] It's ugly, makes a horrible sound,
destroys home value.
[Booth]
It's the diagonal lawn of Verbena Court.
[Liquid Pouring]
Okay, this is basically vodka...
with a very, very subtle hint of pepper.
None for me.
Okay, it's technically illegal moonshine...
but we are scientists honing our craft.
- I don't drink alcohol.
- Okay. Let's have it.
Have what?
How do you balance an archaic religious belief
with a life devoted to science?
This discussion is exactly
what I'd hoped to avoid.
- It's not our fault you let the accent slip.
- [Sighs]
There's no conflict between Allah and science.
Allah created the mystery of the world...
and science struggles
and mostly fails to explain it.
But the search for truth Is honorable,
and I honor Allah through the search for truth.
I get that.
But what's with the "kill the infidel" routine?
[Chuckles]
It's times like this I wish I drank alcohol.
Well, "fight and slay the unbeliever."
I prefer the other option,
which is to enslave the unbeliever.
- It's a joke.
- Ha.
That was funny.
- Is this part done?
- Not quite. I have one more question.
If you took the all-time greatest
Celtics players...
and put them against the all-time
greatest Lakers, who would win?
Including the years when the Lakers played
in Minneapolis? Definitely the Celtics.
I got one. Pit the all-time greatest Christians
against the all-time greatest Muslims.
[Angela Laughing]
Oh, you just got smote.
Wow.
This Is fun. Isn't It fun?
Yes. I'm having fun. Is he?
Bones, you can ask him yourself.
Hey, are you having fun?
Milk shakes are fun, and I'm having
a milk shake, so, yeah, I'm having fun.
That's an excellent syllogism.
She thinks I'm silly?
- Wh-What's wrong?
- He needs a girlfriend.
Well, why doesn't he have one?
I don't know. That's another thing we can't
talk about until I have hair under my arms.
- What do you say we all
go bowling and get out of here?
- Couldn't you be his girlfriend?
- Buddy, you really gotta quit that.
- That would be inappropriate.
- Why?
- Because...
- we work together.
- That's a stupid reason.
Bones, I'm really not comfortable
with the questions that you're asking.
Could you maybe trust me for a second-
trust that I can say the right thing?
In the time that I've been with you, I've
learned a lot about how to deal with people.
Your father is very, very good with people.
- Then why doesn't he have a girlfriend?
- And we're off.
- Okay. All right.
- Can I ask you a question?
Why do you think your father
needs a girlfriend so much?
Look, Bones, there's a whole gender parent
dealy-bop thing going on here.
- You're just gonna confuse him.
- So I can have a pool.
He doesn't sound confused.
- A pool?
- Lasky's dad got a pool with his girlfriend.
Oh, you mean Lasky with the, uh, third nostril?
Lasky's dad got a girlfriend. Then they got
married and moved to a house with a pool.
Maybe If you got married, you'd move
to a house with a pool that I could swim In.
Well, he seems extremely clear
on why he wants you to get a girlfriend.
I don't know why you didn't just ask him.
So, the only reason you wanted me to get
a girlfriend was so that you could have a pool.
Mm-hmm. Why else would I care?
There is a pool in my building...
- that the two of you can use,
as my guests, anytime.
- Ah.
- Awesome. That's awesome, right, Dad?
- No, not awesome.
- Simple Socratic method of solving a problem.
- Nope.
Mm-mmm. Parker's right.
You're awesome, Bones.
Yeah. I'm awesome.
Cheers.
[No Audible Dialogue]
What's that mean?
ENGLISH - US - SDH
Ripped by stlc8tr
- [Man] Mary, don't run, honey.
?? [Hawaiian Band, Man Vocalizing]
?? [Man Singing In Hawaiian]
[Woman]
Everybody, I've got fresh pineapple
- ? Aha ?
- [Chattering]
?? [Chorus Singing In Hawaiian]
[Woman]
I just baked It. Help yourself.
♪ Sometimes you're sweet
Sometimes you're sour ♪
- ?? [Continues In Hawaiian]
- [Man Laughing]
- Hey!
- ? Think about you every day, every hour ?
- ?? [Continues, Indistinct]
- Hey! Back off, sailor.
Grabbing the gay guy's coconut boob.
- Real cool, Dad.
- Your old man is cool.
- Right, Nate?
- Massively cool, Bob. You're a glacier.
Aren't any of these nonalcoholic?
It would do you some good to have
a couple drinks, loosen up a little.
All due respect, James. I don't even
understand why gays want to get married.
Elliot, for the same reason we do-
family, kids.
- The American dream.
- Exactly. Thank you, Paula.
Our house has been on the market
for 10 months. Nobody wants
the American dream anymore.
Eliot, you're gonna love the burbs
once we have a couple of kids.
- [Loud Popping]
- [Man] Whoo-wheel What's going on?
- [Woman] Let me take your picture.
- [Man] Awl
- It's coming from the luau pit.
- Hey, Trey. What's that noise?
And for God's sake, Bob,
he's a gardener, not a servant.
He works for the homeowners association,
which means he works for us.
- Am I wrong?
- Maybe the, uh, pig's eyeballs
explode when it's done.
No, it shouldn't be done
for a couple more hours.
- We should check and make sure
It's not burning.
- Yeah.
- [Woman] Looks good.
- All right. Step back.
- [Man] Here, piggy, piggy.
- All right. Look out. Get back.
- This Is kosher, right?
- Oh, yeah.
- Elliot, will you get the meat thermometer?
- Oh, my God.
What, hon?
[Man]
Great. I'm hungry.
- [Woman Groans]
- [Gasps]
Is that a person?
- [Bob] That's a person.
- [Nate] He's been cooked.
[Brennan] Why are you standing there
Like a security guard?
- Parker! Hey.
- Hi.
The remains we've been called
to examine were apparently barbecued.
Yes. In a luau pit, which is why I'm surprised
you'd bring Parker along.
L- Rebecca and her boyfriend won a night
at the Greenbriar. So, little kid's with me.
- I got him.
- Let's go see the cooked person.
- Geesh. You know our deal.
- Well, what's your deal?
We're not allowed to talk about the bad parts
of Dad's work until I have armpit hair.
You don't have any armpit hair last time
I checked. Not for a long time, kid.
- Angela, would you mind-
- Oh, no.
Sure. I get the situation here.
- You're with me, Parker.
- I wanna see the barbecued body.
Well, I agree. That does sound awesome.
But I have face paints that your dad
will never be able to get off...
no matter how hard he scrubs.
- They're basically tattoos.
- Okay. I'm with you.
You have a good time.
I'll come pick you up in a little bit, all right?
Have fun. Have fun with the face paints, kid.
- That's not true about the face paint, is it?
- You're with me, baby boo.
Ethnographic studies of the suburbs
Indicate a cultural Impulsion...
toward overt displays of status.
Of course, this competitive paradigm
can often result In aggression and violence.
There was this guy on my street
who cut his lawn on the diagonal.
The neighbors got angry.
Someone set his garage on fire.
Oh. I mean, yards, sidewalks, you know,
clean streets, birds flying by.
- Dead body in the barbecue pit.
- [Booth] Oh. Okay. You know what?
I'm gonna talk to the neighbors to see if anyone
who cut their lawn diagonally is missing.
[Brennan]
I think those are reflective lenses...
that have fused Into the supraorbital margin.
Nate and I moved to Verbena Court
about six months ago.
The luau pit came with the house.
We installed a lockable cover.
We don't want kids falling in.
- Uh, we're good neighbors.
- Who has a key?
Uh, just us. And there's one
with the Neighborhood Watch.
Okay. Uh, who put the pig in the pit?
Uh, me, Nate and Trey, at 9:00 this morning.
- Trey?
- Uh, Trey Jordan.
He's the gardener/handyman
for the homeowners association.
- Stop starring at him, James.
- You were just talking about him.
Guys, guys. When you put the pig in-
Uh, we didn't notice anything
down there but hot coals.
[Saroyan]
Forty-eight degrees Celsius.
That's what- an hour after they
drenched everything with a garden hose?
- Wish they hadn't done that.
- It's human nature, Dr. Brennan.
You see someone on fire, you put him out.
The prominent brow points to a male.
Wear on his mandibular teeth
puts his age at about 30 to 35.
We should remove the remains
and then let Hodgins get down here.
We have the luau every year.
- The pit was dug maybe-
- Four years ago, July.
Same time we planted our hydrangeas.
That reminds me. We should spray.
Yeah. We all helped with the pit.
It's, uh, four feet deep and lined with brick.
You burn the wood to embers.
- You cheat with charcoal.
- Don't call your dad a cheater, Paige.
Anyway, tons of embers going.
Then you throw down a layer of wet burlap.
Then wet leaves and wet burlap, chicken wire.
Then you lower the pig in and- voilà!
- Yeah. You're forgetting one thing there.
- I don't think so.
- Burlap, leaves-
- He means the dead guy under the pig, Dad.
Smart one in the family there.
So what made you crack open the pit early?
We heard little explosions,
like fireworks going off.
We found these In the pit.
[Booth]
Reflective aviators.
Those look like Mr. Bessette's glasses.
- Oh, my God.
- That's Kurt.
- [Paige] You must be mistaken.
- Hey, everybody! Looks like it was Kurt!
- [Gasping]
- [Woman] No!
- [Man] Not Kurt.
- Kurt?
[Crowd Chattering]
Who's Kurt?
- H-He and his wife live over there.
- Hmm.
[Man]
That's scary.
That was creepy.
Well, I warned you about the suburbs.
And you're certain It's Kurt?
I'm afraid so, Ms. Bessette.
Uh, his teeth matched the X-rays
your dentist provided.
Well, I already told the F.B. I. Guy
and the scary lady everything I know...
so I don't know what-
You mentioned that you and your husband
didn't really fit in with the neighborhood.
Uh, yeah. Uh, Kurt put up a solar panel
and a wind turbine, and it made everybody mad.
They thought they were pretty ugly.
They said it ruined the neighborhood, you know.
But he just wanted to save the planet.
There's nothing wrong with that, right?
No, it's quite a noble cause.
But it can kinda rub people
the wrong way sometimes.
When the gay couple's dog peed
on the wind turbine...
Kurt gave the dog a laxative
that nearly killed him.
- [Chuckling]
- Oh.
Well, that- That's not quite so noble.
[Laughs]
Neighbors don't forget a thing like that.
We got shunned.
I know what caused the mini explosions.
Would it have anything to do
with the pebbles embedded in the remains?
If by "pebbles" you mean the rudaceous
sedimentary stratified clast fragments, then yes.
Now, based on the amount of pyrites...
I'd estimate the porosity at approximately 25%.
It's Ideal for moisture saturation.
Meaning the pebbles exploded
when they got hot.
The "pebbles," as you so quaintly call them...
were all found on the same strata
as the human remains...
most likely dragged from the murder site.
Which explains why
they were embedded in the remains.
Yeah. All consistent in size and color.
Decorative perhaps.
I'll call you back.
- [Computer Beeps]
- These bones are not human.
- I assume they're pig.
- Yes.
- [Alarm Beeping]
- Time for prayers?
Yes, but I have a couple of minutes.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Why?
As a Muslim, I imagine you consider
this work unclean.
Yes. Well, as a Christian,
I imagine you feel the same way.
I have four femurs, 12 phalanges,
dozens of teeth, 12 canines.
Luau custom says throw
the pig bones back in the pit.
- Sorry. Sorry. Pig bones. God!
- I'm fine, Dr. Saroyan.
Perhaps the killer assumed
his victim's remains would never
be noticed amongst the pig bones.
- Arastoo, there's no reason
for you to be here.
- I appreciate your concern...
- but I am fine.
- No, really.
Most of us aren't devout here,
and I respect your religion.
"He hath forbidden you the flesh of swine...
"but if one is forced by necessity...
without willful disobedience, nor transgressing
due Ills, then Is he guiltless. "
The point Is, you shouldn't feel forced-
[Without Accent] I'm a scientist, okay?
Just like the rest of you.
I can deal, so please, just back off
and let me do my job like anyone else.
Wow.
[With Accent]
I apologize for my outburst.
Oh, you aren't even gonna try
to unring that bell, are you?
- [Beeping]
- I have to pray.
[Phone Ringing]
- [Beeps]
- Saroyan.
I found the rudaceous sedimentary
stratified clast fragment mother lode.
Uh, any signs of a struggle in the pebbles?
No.
Um, I call do-over.
They're covered in blood.
Lots of blood.
My friend's dad just got a new girlfriend.
He goes with his dad to her place
all the time to swim.
Oh, so he likes her. Well, that's good.
- Do you have a boyfriend?
- No, I'm on a celibacy kick.
It's been five months and nine days...
which, in celibacy time, is 400 years.
What does celibacy mean?
It's, um- I don't have a boyfriend. No.
- How about my dad?
- I don't think he has a boyfriend either.
No, he really, really needs a girlfriend.
- Really.
- Why?
- To sex up.
- That's very succinctly put.
- Could Dad sex you up?
- [Chuckling]
Don't think I haven't considered that,
but I'm sort of on the sidelines for now.
But thank you for thinking of me.
- Okay. Ready?
- Mm-hmm.
- Done.
- Cool.
- How'd you do that?
- I'm good.
How much blood did Hodgins find?
Plenty. He estimates a fatal amount.
Can you compare the blood
to the cooked guy and see if it's his?
- Well, he's pretty cooked, but we'll try.
- [Beeps]
Hodgins I.D.'d morning glory pollen between
the victim's eyeballs and his sunglasses.
- How is that relevant?
- Well, he said morning glories
only bloom after sunup.
Sunrise was 5:47 a.m.,
so we're close to a time of death.
Were you guys aware that Arastoo
doesn't really have an accent?
Yeah, he does.
Yeah, it's thicker
than Achmed the rug merchant.
Was that racist? It sounded racist.
I knew that, despite the fact
that Arastoo said he was Iranian...
his accent was Jordanian.
Well, don't you find it odd that he was faking
an Arab accent of any kind?
- Iranian isn't actually Arab.
- What? It's - Bones, it's weird.
Now, how is it any more odd than, say,
shaving your face or putting on makeup?
I'm not hanging up because I don't have
an answer to that. I'm just hanging up.
But- I had questions about the morning glories.
[Officer]
I appreciate it. Thank you.
So we understand that you and the deceased
had an altercation over your dog.
You think that we cooked him
because he poisoned our dog?
- Kurt did not poison our dog.
- Yes, he did.
Rocky peed on his stupid windmill,
so then he gave our dog chocolate laxatives.
Dogs don't react to that the way people do.
It's very difficult to overdose on laxatives.
All that will happen is-
- Rocky died from cancer.
- Maybe.
We'll never know because someone
wouldn't pay for a doggie autopsy.
Oh, my God. You won't let that go...
even though the F.B. I. Thinks
we killed Kurt for poisoning our dog.
- We don't think that he poisoned our dog.
- Well, he does.
Now that I think about it,
Rocky totally died of cancer.
Can you see anything
that would explain copious blood loss?
- [With Accent] Not so far.
As you can see here and here-
- Can it, bub.
- It's just you and me here.
- [Clears Throat]
[Without Accent] This mark here
on the scapula suggests a puncture wound.
That's barely a poke, right?
It would have been painful,
but no way it kills the guy.
Here, we see a bone laceration...
on the victim's proximal humerus,
adjacent to the greater tubercle.
Staining suggests that injury occurred
before he died.
- Is that bone splintering?
- Yes. Micro fragments.
I believe the laceration is the result of
a blow from a reciprocating-type weapon.
- Like-
- A saw.
I asked Dr. Hodgins to swab for particulates...
that may have been transferred from the blade.
- [Beeping]
- Here is the stab wound...
and laceration from the saw.
Neither blow's anywhere near
a major vein or artery.
Neither blow explains
the amount of blood on the pebbles.
I ran a metal detector through
all the crap we found at the bottom of the pit.
- Crap?
- Yeah, technical term. You know.
Bullet. Is that a.44 caliber?
Yep.
[With Accent] This seems to suggest
rather convincingly the reason for all the blood.
[Gunfire, Explosions]
- [Screeching]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second.
You and Parker discussed my sex life?
Well, we discussed your lack of sex life.
Angela, neither you, nor him- especially him-
knows anything about my sex life.
Well, he knows that Daddy ain't getting any,
and he's concerned.
He thinks you need a girlfriend, to have sex.
- He said that?
- Well, his exact words were "to sex up."
I think you need to talk to him honestly
about your love life.
- You kidding? No offense,
but I'm not talking about that.
- Hey.
- What?
- Wanna run our friendly
neighborhood suburbanites...
through the national gun permit database,
see if any of them own a.44?
- Hodgins found that in the pit.
- Hi, Dr. Saroyan.
Do you have a boyfriend?
- See, this is exactly how it started with me.
- Come on. Let's go.
I gotta get you back home.
Your mom's gonna kill me, all right?
Let me see this stuff. Does this stuff come off?
Oh, seriously, that's your big worry right now?
I hate Verbena Court- every last thing about It.
It's artificial. It's soulless.
That's why I'm trying to sell out.
It's ennui, Agent Booth. You understand that?
Looks kinda nice to me. It's good for kids.
They call it a cul-de-sac,
but what it is is a dead end.
So why'd you move there in the first place?
- Wife wants kids, kids want lawns.
- [Knocking]
- I got snookered in the math.
- Here you go.
Right. Thanks.
Snookered enough, uh, to snap?
[Chuckling]
So I own a handgun. So what?
I have a license. It's registered.
We found this bullet in the pit
with Bessette's body.
We checked out his bank records...
and you wired $5,000
into his account last month.
Verbena Court was built
with a limited amount of phone lines.
Bessette bought them all.
I wanted to put in a second line.
Your neighbor charged you $5,000
for a phone line?
Yep.
Then he spent the five grand
on putting up the damn windmill.
Okay. So he rips you off for five grand,
you snap and you shoot him.
No. [Chuckles] I should've shot him.
It wasn't Kurt I shot though.
- I shot the pig, the luau pig.
- Excuse me?
Bob Sayles and I found a farm
in North Carolina...
and paid to hunt our own pig.
With a handgun?
I'll give you the name of the farm.
Porky walked right up to us.
I popped him one between the eyes.
I barfed. Bob cried.
[Chuckling]
Suburban hunters. It's an oxymoron, my friend.
It's an oxymoron.
[Door Opens]
No, no, no, no.
You can't just walk In here and-
Arastoo Vazlrl, our Muslim Intern-
he's been faking his accent.
At first, I go where everyone else goes,
you know? Terrorist.
Wouldn't a terrorist fake not having an accent?
Is it crazy or just weird?
Weird I can deal with, but crazy-
- Wait. What do you want me to do?
- Oh, "crazy" is your department.
They went to a farm
and shot an innocent pig in the head?
Look, it's not a federal offense, Bones.
There's nothing we can do about it now, okay?
So let's just focus on the murdered human.
- Okay. So far we have a nick on the scapula-
- Mm-hmm.
Suggesting stabbing.
And splintering on the humerus,
which suggests sawing.
But neither explains bleeding out.
Sweets says he has something he'd like
to share with us in the conference room.
- Why does he say "share"?
Why can't he just say "show"?
- Shh. Okay. What do you have?
- Hey.
- Hey.
Suburbanites tend to put too much emphasis
on their outward accomplishments.
- Now, this creates a sense of detachment.
- Ennui.
- Very insightful.
- That's right.
All right. Uh, the inherent uniformity
and shared ideals of a planned community...
suggest that the neighborhood
can be psychologically analyzed...
as a single dysfunctional personality.
You mean you can look at it anthropologically.
You're gonna shanghai my whole discipline?
You're tapping into what anthropologists call...
"lines of influence, dominance and suasion."
Go on, Sweets. Just let him go on.
So we can, uh, look at the community
as a single dysfunctional personality...
dealing with sexual infidelity,
indebtedness, resentment.
- That's what I just said.
- Both of you, it's murder.
- We're either dealing with money or sex here.
- That's what I just said.
And this is where psychology can provide
an insight that anthropology cannot.
- I doubt that.
- Well, suburbanites, uh,
will not only lie to outsiders.
They'll lie to each other and to themselves.
What Sweets means is that societal norms
endemic to the suburban acculturation...
dichotomize exterior postures
and clandestine protocols.
Just give me one thing
that's gonna help me catch the murderer.
All right. Deal with all of these people...
as separate elements...
of one big collective personality.
Identify the threat that Kurt Bessette posed
to their psychological equanimity...
and the killer will emerge.
- I agree.
- Doesn't help me one bit.
[Sweets]
Why?
You seriously believe all that hoo-ha?
It's anthropology, so yes.
"Wrong-ology."
Keep your grubby anthro hands off my psych.
- Listen. Bones, I'll meet you down
at the car in five minutes.
- What?
- Five minutes.
- What?
[Exhales]
Okay. Look.
Parker has been asking all the women
that I work with to be my girlfriend.
The women you work with are beautiful.
Don't turn this into a conversation about sex.
My kid is eight years old.
Parker's preadolescent,
but he's very concerned with sex.
What he's concerned about
are shoes with wheels on 'em.
There are five stages
of psychosexual development:
- Oral, anal-
- Whoa.
Phallic, latent and genital.
Now, Parker's transitioning
from latent to genital.
At the genital stage, he's learning
to identify with his gender parent.
That's you.
He's looking at you to see his sexual future.
- How do I get him to stop?
- My advice is to let him see you
interact with a woman.
- Easy!
- No, not sexually. Socially.
Show him you're comfortable with women,
so he can learn to be the same way.
- Okay.
- Okay? Just like that?
- You're taking my advice?
- No, I just don't wanna talk
to you about it anymore.
Wait. This isn't my office.
[Man]
? It's the good Life ?
♪ Full of fun ♪
♪ Seems to be the Ideal ♪
♪ Yes, the good Life ♪
♪ Lets you hide all the sadness you feel ♪
[No Audible Dialogue]
♪ You won't really fall In love ♪
♪ 'Cause you can't take the chance ♪
♪ So be honest with yourself ♪
- ? Don't try to fake romance ??
- What are you doing?
"Alibis." Huh. That's very organized.
"At the time of the murder,
Mary Kay Sayles was biking...
[Both]
With James Perry and Elliot Lindbergh."
Thinking gay guy and burb hater
are out biking with church lady.
[Gasps] Oh, so you're thinking
they're a sexual threesome.
- Ah.
- What? Wow. No.
I was just thinking that one of these cyclists
was having sex with Kurt Bessette.
Oh. So we should find out where churchy lady's
husband, gay guy's boyfriend...
and burb hater's wife were at the time.
Man, if this turns out to be some suburban
key-party, threesome revenge slaying...
it's gonna get complicated,
and I'm gonna get all-
Hey, so I finally got through the particulates
left behind by the saw.
Three different organic remnants on the cut.
A hooked thorn from a Bougainvillea glabra.
A haw from a hybrid Crataegus monogyna
and nectar from a Syringa protolacinlata.
- See you later!
- Each plant was from a different yard.
- But all in the same reciprocating saw.
- Yeah.
- [Motor Whirring]
- Really?
Like, uh, that one
that Casanova gardener boy Is using.
So, my question Is, did you kill Kurt Bessette
on your own volition...
or did his wife talk you into it?
- What?
- Bessette was attacked
with your hedge trimmer.
Come on. Young, hot suburban gardener.
Bored suburban housewives.
- You're an ethnological trope.
- What?
Ice tea's not the only perk here.
Look, I had nothin; going
with Kurt Bessette's wife.
Let me make this a little easier for you,
shall we? [Clears Throat]
[Exhales]
Which one of these people
did you have something going with?
Paige Sayles.
The church lady's daughter.
Look, she's 18. She's legal.
And plus, it was her idea.
- And?
- [Chuckles]
Paula Lindbergh.
I think she's trying to get pregnant
so her husband would stay in the suburbs.
So, you mind being used as a stud horse?
[Chuckles]
Would you?
- Do these women know about each other?
- Not from me.
Then from who?
Mr. Bessette caught me and Mrs. Lindbergh
sloshing up her hot tub.
Where were you between the hours
of 5:00 a.m. And 8:00 a. M...
the morning of the luau?
I've got a girlfriend.
I mean, back in my neighborhood.
A real one who I love. I was with her.
Wow! That cul-de-sac is like a sex camp.
- What? There's a sex camp?
- No. No, no.
Listen. What were
your anthropological lines again?
Influence, dominance and suasion.
We both know that the murder victim wasn't
above shaking someone down for phone lines.
Maybe he finds out that Paula Lindbergh
is trying to make babies with the gardener.
He puts the squeeze on her. She kills him.
Casanova gardener boy-
[Clicks Tongue] helps out.
It definitely fits the paradigm.
I was afraid this would come up when
I heard you took Trey in for questioning.
You're right. So start talking.
I should never have made Elliot move
to the suburbs.
In a way, I emasculated him.
Oh, God. She's a therapist.
She talks like a therapist.
What, you remove a man
from an environment where he flourishes...
to a place where he feels Impotent,
he actually becomes Impotent.
Look, if you wanted a baby so bad,
why didn't you just move back to the city?
We owe more on this house than it's worth.
Even if Elliot could sell it,
we're stuck financially.
- What happened when Kurt Bessette
found you with the gardener?
- Nothing.
He smirked.
Did Kurt threaten to tell your husband
or blackmail you?
- Oh, no. He wouldn't dare.
- Why not?
Wait. You think that Kurt told my husband
about the gardener...
and so Elliot killed him?
Eliot puked when he shot a pig. Please.
Interlocking lines of suasion
between members of the collective...
result in multiple duplicities.
Oh, my God. She's an anthropologist.
- She talks like an anthropologist.
- Just answer the question.
Why wouldn't Kurt Bessette dare
tell your husband about the gardener?
I'm a trained therapist. I looked
at Kurt and Paige talking on the street.
I knew immediately the relationship
was clandestine, probably sexual.
Kurt Bessette was sleeping
with that 18-year-old girl.
I used that knowledge to ask
for our five grand back for the phone.
Kurt wouldn't have agreed if it weren't true.
If I were you, I'd be looking
at Paige's father for this murder...
not my Elliot.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, Paige. You want some of that?
- [Squeals] I'm gonna kill you!
- That never gets old.
Okay, yeah. Kurt and I hooked up.
I'm of age.
He didn't break any laws sleeping with me.
- What did you see in him?
- Kurt wasn't like the other guys from here.
He wasn't just cute. He-
He was committed to the environment,
saving our planet.
People hated him because he made them
feel ashamed that they weren't doing more.
Well, I think what they hated was the windmill.
You know, it's possible
having sex with you killed him.
No. Kurt was in awesome shape.
No, I didn't mean
that you gave him a heart attack.
What I meant was, it's possible that someone
who cares about you killed him.
- Like my dad, you mean?
- Or Trey, the gardener.
They didn't even know about Kurt.
Well, what if they did?
[Arastoo, With Accent]
Is this an official F.B.I. Investigation?
Do I need some kind of representation?
Yeah, the whole accent thing-
it's kinda out in the world.
[Without Accent]
I figured.
This place, the Jeffersonian-
they see things
in very black-and-white terms.
Comes with the gig. We're scientists.
Yeah.
But unlike any of them, you're religious.
- Muslim.
- Now, this man I see in front of me right now-
rational, pragmatic, highly intelligent.
That man might have to explain his religion to
people like that every single day.
- Whereas-
- Whereas a kid from the sticks of Iran...
newly arrived in the West-
it's no wonder he clings
to his cultural superstitions.
There you go. Frustrating enough
to drive a guy to fake an accent.
Which, in my professional opinion, is not crazy.
You're a pretty smart guy.
But I don't need a scientist
to tell me who or what I am...
and neither should you, Mr. Vazlrl.
- Thanks for coming by.
- Thank you.
Tox screen came back positive
for potassium nitrate...
which can be prescribed
for high blood pressure.
[On Speakerphone]
But Kurt Bessette was In very good shape.
Yes, we heard that from his teenaged girlfriend.
- [Booth] Enough to kill the guy?
- Nope.
He might have experienced
some muscle weakness, but otherwise,
saltpeter's fairly harmless.
Saltpeter is not harmless.
Okay? I went to Catholic school.
- That's a total myth, Booth.
- No, Booth did actually go to a Catholic school.
No, no, no. The nuns, they used to put
saltpeter in all the boys; milk at lunch...
so that we couldn't get-
so we could concentrate
without, you know- ping!
But how could you tell
it was in the boys; milk and not the girls'
- 'Cause the boys; milk was always frothier.
- And did it work?
- Well, not on me.
- Well, it didn't work on anyone, Booth.
Why people Insist upon believing
that old wives' tale...
In the face of all evidence,
I'll never understand.
Saltpeter acts as a blood thinner.
See? Thin blood could stop a guy from-
We've been saying that the two wounds
we found on the victim's body...
wouldn't be enough for him to bleed out.
But with saltpeter,
he could have bled internally...
from even minor soft tissue damage.
We'd never have seen the evidence
of that after he cooked.
We got probable cause of death.
Now we just need to find out
who fed Kurt Bessette the saltpeter.
I think you'll want to talk
to the cheating bastard's wife.
I begged Kurt to stop cheating on me.
I did everything I could
in the bedroom to make him stay.
I changed my hair. I went to the gym.
But when I went to work every day,
it was a "cat's away, mice play" situation.
And where'd you get the saltpeter?
Oh. Um, Nate and James
have stump remover...
and that's 98% saltpeter.
I figured that might be enough
to remove Kurt's stump from her garden.
Who else knew he was cheating?
Nobody.
- Unless her husband found out.
- [Whispers] Her husband.
Kurt Bessette was sleeping
with the church lady too.
- Do you think her husband
is capable of murder?
- Bob? No.
He's just a big dumbass nob
who thinks Verbena Court Is heaven.
That was before he knew the neighbor was
having sex with both his wife and his daughter.
I don't care how big
of a dumbass Bob Sayles is.
He finds that out,
he's gonna wanna kill her husband.
[Booth Clears Throat]
How did you find out about me and Kurt?
O- Only the two of us knew,
and- and Kurt's dead.
You were not the only person
that Kurt Bessette was sleeping with.
You mean, aside from his wife?
So I wasn't his only-
Who? Who else?
He was sleeping with your daughter, Paige.
You can understand why you're a suspect here.
Yes.
People kill out of jealousy.
I guess it won't matter if I deny it.
No, but you're not our prime suspect.
You see, you have an alibi.
You were out biking
with James Perry and Elliot Lindbergh.
So you think Kelly found out
and killed her own husband?
Paige? My God. She's only 18.
You think my Bob found out and killed Kurt.
[Exhales]
I found evidence of a homogenous mixture
of oily and waxy long chain...
which are nonpolar hydrocarbons
in, uh, this fracture of the skull.
Can't you just say "lubricant"?
Isn't that much quicker?
Arastoo must be finished looking
at the minifractures in that area.
Right? Where is he?
[Without Accent] Sorry. Sorry.
I just finished morning prayers.
The skull fracture is located high
on the frontal bone, right on the midline.
Whoa!
Who are you?
I don't have an accent. I was faking it.
But I am devout. I do pray five times a day.
Now, can we get back to work, please?
[Chuckling]
Oh, no, definitely not.
- How do we know you're not faking this accent?
- Does Brennan know about this?
Yes. She doesn't care.
She doesn't care.
- The midline fractures-
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Arastoo, things will go a lot faster
if you just explain.
When I speak as though I just got off the boat,
people accept my religious convictions.
Plus, fewer terrorist jokes.
- I don't know why.
- 'Cause they're afraid of you.
- You are so gonna pay for this.
- Yeah.
I have no doubt that is true.
Now, this wound
has a distinctive curve shape to it.
[Saroyan]
Well, It doesn't look very severe.
Corresponding microfractures
to the posterior cranium...
indicate that Kurt was hit
while resting his head on a hard surface.
So a weak blow that was delivered
when Kurt was already on the ground.
There's a concrete base on the wind turbine.
Bob Sayles is a big, burly man.
- Yeah, but he's a decent guy.
- What does that have to do with it?
Decent guys. They have a harder time hittin;
a guy when they're already down on the ground.
So not a weak blow, a halfhearted one.
This mark here could be congruent
with a golf club.
It's curved and metallic.
I could run up an image.
Most clubs have a brazing composition
to secure the titanium alloy on the club head.
I can check on that.
So, a reciprocating saw,
a golf club with some lubricant.
That just leaves
the puncture weapon unidentified.
- It takes a village, Bones.
- Well, uh- I beg your pardon?
A village.
To raise a kid properly, it takes a village.
But metaphorically. It doesn't mean we all
must grow up in hamlets of 800 people or less.
- Thanks. Um, will you be my village?
- Huh?
I need Parker to know
that I lead a full and rewarding life.
- But you don't.
- What? Yes, I do.
No, you don't.
You work too much. You don't socialize.
All of which prevents you
from having a full sex life.
Okay. Please, let's just take a hint
from the suburbs and just make it look good.
You want to know if I'll help you fool your son
into thinking your life is gratifying?
- Yeah. Will you do it?
- Well, h-how?
Come to dinner with us.
Have fun. Laugh at my jokes.
That might actually turn out to be fun...
thus becoming a self-fulfilling desire.
- Right. So, you'll do it?
- Yes.
- I will be your hamlet of 800 people or less.
- My village.
Well, I was being amusing.
You should laugh at my jokes too.
I'm laughing, on the inside.
So I just told Bob Sayles that both his wife and
daughter were having sex with Kurt Bessette.
- Was he shocked?
- Yeah. And he wasn't faking it.
Well, you shouldn't say that like it's a fact.
In my opinion, his dismay was genuine.
However, it's difficult to say whether
the shock was due to the sexual revelations...
or if we discovered information
he was keeping secret.
- I appreciate the distinction.
- Hold on to that for a second.
You do the best you can, you know?
You go to work. You bring home the bacon.
You raise a daughter.
- Either of you got daughters?
- Mm-mmm.
Well, that's the trip, man. Daughters.
I was so worried about Paige and that gardener
kid, I didn't see what was happening with Kurt.
But I mean, what do you d0-
preach abstinence?
Doesn't work in Alaska.
Why would it work on Verbena Court?
Did you suspect anything about your wife?
I gotta confess.
If I'd have known any of that,
I'd have killed the son of a bitch bare hands.
And there's not a jury in this country
that would convict me either.
That is untrue.
They most certainly would have convicted you.
- You don't have an alibi.
- I was home alone.
Sleepin; in after getting
that pig pit all dug and ready and lit.
Why would Mary Kay do this to me?
I've been a good husband, good provider.
- I took two jobs.
- Two jobs?
We only have you down
as a C.P.A. For an airline.
Yeah, well, me and Kurt
started a side business on the Internet.
You and Kurt Bessette
had a business together?
Yep. It was goin; good too.
Can you continue the business without him?
Nah. No way. He was the entrepreneur.
I just handled the books.
What kind of business was it?
The only kind that's recession proof.
[Garage Door Rolling Open]
Sex toys.
Guy goes Into the sex toy business
with another guy...
who commences to nail his wife and daughter.
Probably using some of the merchandise here
to double the fun, huh?
[Whip Cracks]
Bones, looks Like we found the lubricant.
Oh, my God.
Please tell me this has
something to do with the case.
This comprises the contents
of the Sayles family garage.
Brennan asked me and Arastoo
to look for possible murder weapons.
We did find the lube. It's enough
to make the whole neighborhood smile.
And there's this.
- Well, that looks scary.
- Wasn't a golf club.
No brazing agent or titanium.
- Could it have been this?
- Oh! Ouch.
What about this lubricant?
No. It's not the right lube.
Lubricant in the fracture contains hexane,
silicone, mineral oil and propellant.
Same kind used to lubricate a bicycle chain.
I think I found the weapon.
This point matches the puncture wound.
There's one of those signs
on every lawn in the cul-de-sac.
Bob Sayles is the head of the Neighborhood
Watch. He's the one that distributed the signs.
Huh. You're gonna need
to luminol every sign on Verbena Court.
You're gonna tell me to stop looking
through all of this stuff now, aren't you?
I'm afraid so.
I'll go tell Booth about the lube.
Spoilsport.
Finding likely murder weapons way too fast.
[People Chattering]
[Brennan]
Any blood, Hodgins?
[Spraying]
[Booth]
Nothin'?
- Booth.
- Yeah.
We're testing positive for blood here.
Someone stabbed him with his own sign.
Curved, metallic object
I thought might be a golf club?
- Her shoes.
- [Booth] Silicon lubricant.
You kicked Kurt Bessette in the head
while he was lying in the pebbles.
You were with James Perry
and Elliot Lindbergh that morning.
The three of you
each gave him a separate blow.
Any one of you could've taken the saw
from the gardener's truck.
- [Booth] And the sign from his lawn.
- We have alibis.
You're each other's alibis.
All three of you were together
at the time of death.
Your alibi just turned Into an anti-alibi.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- [Grunts, Groans]
- Take these three into custody, please.
- [Man] Yes, sir.
- Got it. Hands behind your back now.
- [Grunts]
Right now. Let's go.
[Handcuffs Ratcheting]
Three separate Injures to the body,
and three suspects.
Access to the luau pit.
The evidence indicates
that we caught the murderers.
Yeah, I believe you did catch the right people.
- Okay. Then what's your problem?
- Motive.
James Perry was angry
that Kurt poisoned the dog.
Elliot Lindbergh was ripped off for $5,000.
Right. My problem is all these motives
were a long time cooking, right?
These weapons-
a sign, the hedge trimmers, kicking him-
all suggest heat of the moment, right,
not premeditation.
- So you wanna know why they all snapped
at that precise moment.
- Yeah, yeah.
Now picture it.
It's dawn. Three cyclists are heading out.
They spot Kurt.
They approach him for some reason.
They argue. And then,
with all this pent-up rage, they attack.
One slice, one jab, one kick.
They didn't know that he was full of a blood
thinner, that he would die from the assault.
But why does this matter?
We already have the people responsible.
'Cause it's knowledge, Dr. Brennan.
It's insight into humans.
It's why I do what I do.
It's a good answer, Bones.
It was a good answer. Fine.
Okay, Kurt must've violated
some ethos of the suburbs.
Like cheating on his wife
or ripping off his neighbors.
Those are all accepted derivations
of the suburban ethos.
Cam said that one of her neighbors
had his garage burned down...
for cutting his lawn on the diagonal.
- [Windmill Squeaking, Clattering]
- The windmill.
- It was the last straw.
[Sweets] It's ugly, makes a horrible sound,
destroys home value.
[Booth]
It's the diagonal lawn of Verbena Court.
[Liquid Pouring]
Okay, this is basically vodka...
with a very, very subtle hint of pepper.
None for me.
Okay, it's technically illegal moonshine...
but we are scientists honing our craft.
- I don't drink alcohol.
- Okay. Let's have it.
Have what?
How do you balance an archaic religious belief
with a life devoted to science?
This discussion is exactly
what I'd hoped to avoid.
- It's not our fault you let the accent slip.
- [Sighs]
There's no conflict between Allah and science.
Allah created the mystery of the world...
and science struggles
and mostly fails to explain it.
But the search for truth Is honorable,
and I honor Allah through the search for truth.
I get that.
But what's with the "kill the infidel" routine?
[Chuckles]
It's times like this I wish I drank alcohol.
Well, "fight and slay the unbeliever."
I prefer the other option,
which is to enslave the unbeliever.
- It's a joke.
- Ha.
That was funny.
- Is this part done?
- Not quite. I have one more question.
If you took the all-time greatest
Celtics players...
and put them against the all-time
greatest Lakers, who would win?
Including the years when the Lakers played
in Minneapolis? Definitely the Celtics.
I got one. Pit the all-time greatest Christians
against the all-time greatest Muslims.
[Angela Laughing]
Oh, you just got smote.
Wow.
This Is fun. Isn't It fun?
Yes. I'm having fun. Is he?
Bones, you can ask him yourself.
Hey, are you having fun?
Milk shakes are fun, and I'm having
a milk shake, so, yeah, I'm having fun.
That's an excellent syllogism.
She thinks I'm silly?
- Wh-What's wrong?
- He needs a girlfriend.
Well, why doesn't he have one?
I don't know. That's another thing we can't
talk about until I have hair under my arms.
- What do you say we all
go bowling and get out of here?
- Couldn't you be his girlfriend?
- Buddy, you really gotta quit that.
- That would be inappropriate.
- Why?
- Because...
- we work together.
- That's a stupid reason.
Bones, I'm really not comfortable
with the questions that you're asking.
Could you maybe trust me for a second-
trust that I can say the right thing?
In the time that I've been with you, I've
learned a lot about how to deal with people.
Your father is very, very good with people.
- Then why doesn't he have a girlfriend?
- And we're off.
- Okay. All right.
- Can I ask you a question?
Why do you think your father
needs a girlfriend so much?
Look, Bones, there's a whole gender parent
dealy-bop thing going on here.
- You're just gonna confuse him.
- So I can have a pool.
He doesn't sound confused.
- A pool?
- Lasky's dad got a pool with his girlfriend.
Oh, you mean Lasky with the, uh, third nostril?
Lasky's dad got a girlfriend. Then they got
married and moved to a house with a pool.
Maybe If you got married, you'd move
to a house with a pool that I could swim In.
Well, he seems extremely clear
on why he wants you to get a girlfriend.
I don't know why you didn't just ask him.
So, the only reason you wanted me to get
a girlfriend was so that you could have a pool.
Mm-hmm. Why else would I care?
There is a pool in my building...
- that the two of you can use,
as my guests, anytime.
- Ah.
- Awesome. That's awesome, right, Dad?
- No, not awesome.
- Simple Socratic method of solving a problem.
- Nope.
Mm-mmm. Parker's right.
You're awesome, Bones.
Yeah. I'm awesome.
Cheers.
[No Audible Dialogue]
What's that mean?
ENGLISH - US - SDH
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