Bones (2005–2017): Season 4, Episode 14 - The Princess and the Pear - full transcript

Booth asks Bones to fix his back again, but she ends up aggravating his condition. While Booth is sidelined, Bones works with Agent Perotta to solve the murder of a woman who was working at a Fantasy convention.

Lo, the cave
where the princess doth dwell.

Let the light of Mythryleen guide our path.

- It smells like ass in here, yo.
- Yo? Who is this Yo of whom you speak?

- I know him not.
- For real, Trev. Let's go back.

Those other freaks
are gonna beat us to the treasure anyway.

The name's Blackthorne
and you'd do well to remember it.

Your name is Trevor Vertuca,
and that is your mom's cell phone.

Now call her to pick us up, or I will.

This is getting old. Right, Ezra?

A rat? Come on.

Wait for me! Wait for me!

Look, I'm sorry about this.
We don't usually break character, but...

I mean, you have to dock points.
I understand.

What the...

- Open up!
- All right! All right!

All right. I'm coming. Just keep it down.

What's taking so long?

- Hi.
- What's wrong?

Nothing. Come on in.
How about some coffee? Arabian bean!

- You hurt your back again?
- No, no, no.

It's that obvious, huh?

Your gait suggests you re-strained
your anterior longitudinal ligament.

Yeah, well, I blame the couch. All right?
I fell asleep last night watching the game.

Look, I figured you fixed my back
last time really well.

And I just thought that
maybe you could fix it again.

So, use your little magic knuckles,
and hit it up and we're good to go.

Booth, if this has become a recurring
problem, you should see a specialist.

Right. I get it. All disclaimers apply.

Here we go. Hit the back.
Chop-chop. We got a case.

- No.
- What do you mean, no?

Last time I had this,
you were begging to help me.

No. I probably shouldn't have
touched you the last time.

- You need a medical doctor.
- I'm not asking you to perform surgery.

Just do what you did last time
and fix it with your magic knuckles and...

Look, there's no one I trust more
to get my back and crack it than you.

- Wow.
- You want more?

No. That was effective. Turn around.

- Okay. Ready?
- Okay. This is gonna be good.

Believe me. I really am not going to forget...


How is he?

Dr. Patel suspects a herniated disk
in Booth's lumbar region.

We'll know which vertebrae
when the X-rays get here.

So you didn't
actually paralyze him?

No. The Vicodin seems to be working.

He claims
it makes the furniture feel friendly.

But he'll be on bed rest
for the remainder of the week.

Are you okay?

Of course.
I wasn't the one who was injured.

Admittedly, I shouldn't have let
Booth talk me into adjusting him.

- Agent Perotta.
- Dr. Brennan, nice to see you.

I was honored you requested me
as a substitute for Agent Booth.

The variables involved
in breaking in a new person

outweigh the benefit of possibly
finding a better investigator.

Let's not get gushy about it.

Agent Perotta and I
inspected the dump site.

And I cleared the body
to be transported back to the lab.

We haven't determined identity yet.

Booth usually waits for me to conduct
my own examination of the scene.

Do you want to go back there?

No. I'll examine the remains here.
Thank you.

Mr. Fisher, welcome back.

What are your preliminary findings?

The victim is female, 25 to 29 years old.

Severe damage to the skull. The
mandible's almost completely severed.

Avulsions to the tissue
at the maxillary and mandibular incisors,

that's very unusual.

It's like her face was hit by a wrecking ball.

This damage is going to make
facial reconstruction very difficult.


The flesh is all yours, Dr. Saroyan.

Does that mean
we're officially investigating a murder?

She's just upset
because she put Booth in the hospital.

I understand that,

but I still need
someone to officially say "murder."

- Murder.
- Thank you.

So, what do we make of this clothing?

Like a costume out of
The Lord of the Rings.

The porno version.

- Fisher, you're into this stuff.
- Porn?

- Fantasy, sci-fi, geek stuff.
- Superficial judgment.

Both feet display
erythema and heavy blistering,

but no calluses.

My guess is she was standing
in those princess pumps for hours.

The skin here, on the back of the hand,

is less desiccated
than the area surrounding it.

- I'm not sure what that means yet.
- May I?


It's a Spectroline UV stamp.

They're designed
to withstand evaporation.

No match to any local bars or clubs,
but I'm still searching.

- Agent Perotta discovered this?
- Yes.

You should be nicer to her.

Well, I like working with Booth.
I'm nice to him.

- Okay, I admit. I'm a geek.
- You're a Greek?

No, a geek, sweetie.

I love it all. Star Trek, Star Wars,
Buffy, Xena, Akira.

I even watch Fringe.

My girlfriend, Jill, dumped me
because of it, which is very depressing.

- Fisher, what doesn't depress you?
- Answers.

I know that insignia.

I bet the victim
was a booth babe at lmagiCon.

- I don't know what that means.
- ImagiCon?

It's a convention for fans of genre movies,
comic books, video games, anime.

Yeah, and it's at Union Center
till the end of the week.

Click on gallery
for booth babe roundup. Yeah.

When Dr. Saroyan talked about the victim
standing on her feet for hours,

- it sort of started to click for me.
- Stop.

That's definitely our dress.

And judging from her
zygomatic arches and facial contours,

there's a good chance
that that's our victim wearing it.

- Someone should inform Agent Perotta.
- That'd be you, sweetie.

Of course. I will inform Agent Perotta.

these people don't look like killers.

I disagree.


A summit between the disenfranchised
and the commercial franchises.

I'm at a loss
for an anthropological analogue.

So, you really did a number
on Booth's lower back, huh?

Well, he had a mechanical problem
which didn't show up on his X-rays.

My adjustment aggravated it.

- So it was an accident?
- Yes.

Why? Did Booth tell you
something different?

No. No, no. In fact, "aggravated"
was exactly the word he used.

There's the Grimoire 3.0 booth.

I'm Special Agent Perotta, FBI.
This is Dr. Brennan from the Jeffersonian.

We need you to answer
a couple of questions.

Yeah, that's Kendra Kim.
You can call me Shiny.

- Why?
- It's my name. Shiny Kopinski.

Shiny, you didn't find it strange at all
that Kendra didn't show up for work?

I just figured the Grimoire people
fired her for her attitude.

What are Grimoire people?

Grimoire 3.0 is the online encyclopedia
fantastica for the mouth-breather crowd.

Your job is to sexualize software?

- You mentioned Kendra had an attitude?
- Kendra thought she was a princess.

She kept bragging about the fact
that this was her last trade show.

And she was sitting on some goldmine,
and was gonna cash in big.

- What was the goldmine?
- She wouldn't say.

But one day,
I followed her on a lunch break.

I figured I'd catch her
talking to some game developer.

I mean, those guys are loaded,
and some of them even smell normal.

But the only person I saw her talking to
was some loser at the Blacksmith booth.

- Are you Kroon the Blacksmith?
- Kroon, I am.

And who be ye, fair maiden?

I be a special agent
in search of justice and truth.

Yea, thou art. How can I assist thee?

By knocking off the medieval stuff
and answering some questions.

That would make me
feel more comfortable.

I assume Kroon the Blacksmith
is not on your driver's license?

The name's Peter Kroon.
I don't know what you've heard,

but these weapons
are all legal and accounted for.

Do you know this young woman?

I know her first name, Kimba.


She's the girl with Excalibur.

You mean the sword
from the King Arthur mythos?

Yes. Though in this case, it's a prop
sword from the film, Le Morte d'Arthur.

- Is she in trouble?
- No. She's dead.

- Do you sell nunchaku?
- No.


Why do you ask if she's in trouble?

She stopped by and asked me
how much I'd give her for it.

Excalibur. I take a look and go,
"Whoa, that ain't no ordinary cutlery."

I have to wonder if it's hot.
You know, stolen.

Did it have significant value?

It was worth thousands,
tens of thousands.

You weren't tempted to kill her,
take it for yourself?

Look. I could've told her
it was worth 200 bucks, ripped her off.

But I didn't. I sent her to Carl Derf
to list it at the auction.

Why was this piece of cutlery
worth so much?

It was the actual prop
wielded by Guy Thivisol

in the first fantasy film ever made.

The Excalibur from this film
is the Holy Grail of fantasy memorabilia.

Here it is.



And you have no idea
where Kendra Kim got it?

She said
she got it from her family.

You don't believe her?

That sword hasn't been seen in 20 years.

What I thought was that
she got it from someone else here.

- Stole it?
- Stole it, maybe.

The girl was hot.
That goes a long way in a place like this.

Trauma is limited to the skull.

Once I clean the skeleton and get
a better look at the mandibular damage,

I'll know more,
or get fired for incompetence.

Well, I am finished with the soft tissue,
so you can remove the flesh now.

According to our old friends,
diptera and coleoptera,

I place actual time of death
about 72 hours ago.

Also, I discovered soil under her nails
along with traces of Virginia nailworts,

neither native to the dump site.

What's with the long face there, sunshine?

Mr. Fisher just broke up with his girlfriend
and he's feeling a little down.

What about me?
My girlfriend and I broke up.

I gotta see her at work every day.

Well, obviously it hasn't
blackened your soul like it has mine.

- There was some light charring.
- I'm dead inside.

Okay, you win. Happy?

Not that I can ever remember.

So, what did your doctor say?

Something about a possible herniation
occurred on my disks. L3, L4.

Nothing, you know,
a little rest, stretching...

Hey, maybe a good massage
will just kick it right out.

Well, intervertebral disk degeneration
shouldn't be taken lightly.

Are you wearing
your lumbosacral support belt?

Yeah. The girdle, you mean.
Yeah, it's nice and tight.

Hold on.

- It's Booth.
- Hey, it's Perotta. How you doing?

- You need anything?
- No. I am just dandy.

Well, if you do...

- Hey, we found the victim's father.
- We did?

- Who was that?
- It's Booth.

- No, no, no. Before it was you.
- Booth, you pressed "conference."

- Dr. Brennan?
- It's me, Booth.

Booth is on painkillers.
Is the victim's father coming in?

- I want to be there!
- No, you can't!

- He can't.
- Why?

Yes, I can.
What are you still doing on this call?

No. Agent Perotta, his back is very bad.
He can't be there. You can't let him in.

- Yes, I can. I am the ranking officer.
- But you are incapacitated by painkillers.

Bones, enough! Okay?
I'm not incapacipatated.

Or whatever you said there, all right?
I just...

Don't listen to her, Perotta. Don't.

Did your daughter
live at home with you, Mr. Kim?


Kendra lived in a condo in Logan Circle.

Look, ask him when was
the last time he saw his daughter.

- What was that?
- This is Agent Booth.

- Hello.
- He's unable to be with us in person.

Kendra and I didn't see each other much,

despite the fact
that I put a roof over her head.

According to the modeling agency
that booked your daughter,

all of her checks
were sent to your address?

The money went to pay the mortgage
on the condo, which was also in my name.

That's kind of a weird arrangement,
now isn't it?

So is this.

Well, considering my situation
and my back, which is... Continue.

Kendra was about as irresponsible
as a person could be.

I told her after she paid her debt to me

she could spend her money
how she wanted.

Tough love.

- Did you give her a sword?
- A sword?

- It's a knife. But it's only huge.
- No.

But did your daughter mention
she might have something of value?

- No.
- Probably because

you'd take it away from her.

- Okay, this doesn't work.
- Don't... Don't shut me off.

I'd like to take a look
at your daughter's condo, Mr. Kim.

Looks like
someone really wanted that sword.

Precise slashes to the couch
and removal of ventilation screens

suggest perp was frustrated in the search.

Digital answering machine behind the bed.
It's cracked.

See if Computer Forensics
can get anything off of it.

Found some running shoes in the closet.
Soles contain insects, soil, and blood.

You want our lab to analyze that or yours?

Yeah. I'd like to see you try
and get these away from me now.

- Figuratively speaking, of course.
- Anything else, Dr. Hodgins?

In some ways, you're just like Booth.
Mean that as a compliment.

I don't think you do.

Now check this out.

Mandibular trauma downward.
Maxillary trauma upward.

Trauma to the molars extends bilaterally.

The force radiated symmetrically
from the center of her mouth.

- It's like her face exploded.
- Certainly nothing I've seen before.

- Very good, Mr. Fisher.
- Really?

Just seems like the truth is further away
than it was before, and like laughing at us.

Process of elimination
is a key step to discovering the truth.

I've seen many unusual murder weapons.

So the fact that I don't recognize this one
rules out all of the others.

Wow. My kind of silver lining.

It's depressing.

The blood I found on the booth babe's
running shoes, not human.

I think our princess kissed a toad.

- Bufo americanus. American toad.
- So she stepped on a frog?

A toad. Bufo americanus.

Which amphibian
is down to one local population

right here near the Potomac,

in an area which matches the soil and flora
found beneath her fingernails.

She went for a run, stepped on a frog,
and buried something?

A toad. And, yeah. Yeah, that's the picture
forming in my mind, too.

We pulled this message
off the victim's answering machine.

I don't know who you think
you're fooling, little princess,

but you're playing with a woman
who gets what she wants.

You've got three days. I want that sword.

You want me to do a profile
from a voice on an answering machine?

Give it a shot. You're a smarty pants.

Okay, fine. "You're playing with a woman"

suggests that the caller regards
the victim as a child in comparison.

- Okay. So, what? An old woman?
- No, no, experientially.

Probably in terms of sexual experience.

So you're looking
for someone fairly promiscuous.

I think that she's already
tried to take the sword from a man

and now is truly annoyed
that she has to deal with a girl.

The auctioneer is a man

and he evaluated the sword
before Kendra panicked and buried it.

I can assure you
that this is a clean and fair auction.

We've been running this auction
for 15 years...

Please answer
the question, Mr. Dorf.


Yes. I certified and registered the item.

I even gave the consigner the option
to store in our secure room. She declined.

The consigner has to give you detailed
contact information, right?

- If they want to get paid.
- And sometimes you give that information

to certain parties interested
in illegal pre-bidding?

What? No. No, look. I told you before...

Your pupils are constricted,
suggesting an increase in adrenaline.

- What?
- And the change in voice pitch

indicates increased pressure in the neck
via the laryngeal prominence.

- What are you saying?
- You're lying to us.

Kinesthesia is a clear indicator
of dissembling, Mr. Dorf.

- Derf. But, look...
- Do you recognize this voice?

I don't know who you think
you're fooling, little princess,

but you're playing with a woman
who gets what she wants.

You've got three days. I want that sword.

Did that woman
contact you about the sword?

Yes, she did. Her name is Valerie Daniels.
She's a medieval weapons collector.

And you provided her with
Kendra Kim's address and phone number.

Every auction does private pre-bids.
And no one ever gets...

- Hurt?
- But wait a minute.

What about the Excalibur? Did you find it?
Is it still going up for auction?

Booth is right.
You're like a portable polygraph.

He didn't mean that in a good way,
though, did he?

This is quite a collection of medieval
and fantasy weapons, Ms. Daniels.

My parents call it a waste of my trust fund,
which is praise enough for me.

Seems an unlikely hobby
for a young woman.

I like sharp edges. I like sharp against soft.

- What do you like, Dr. Sweets?
- What?

Can you account
for your whereabouts Wednesday night?

Yeah. I was somewhere
not killing Kendra Kim.

- That's what you wanted to know, right?
- That's not what I asked.

I was at the Immortal Comics after party.
You can ask Dean Noveck, the publisher.

We slept together. The sex was vanilla.
At least I got an alibi out of it, right?

You feel a need to be in control,
don't you, Ms. Daniels?

- I'd like to control you if you're up for it.
- Oh, I assure you I'm not.

And your attempt to regain self-esteem
through sexual intimidation will not repair

the dysfunctional relationship
you had with your father.

Abandonment? Abuse? Indifference?

You are far more ripped under those
schoolboy duds than one would think,

- aren't you, Dr. Sweets?
- Yes.

But right now, I'm more interested to hear
why you trashed Kendra's condo

after you didn't kill her.

Her condo was trashed?

They were looking for Excalibur.
That's what you wanted, right?

I travel the world tracking down
rare and beautiful weapons. I do research.

I develop contacts. I put in serious work.
Along comes this booth babe

with a famous sword
thought to be lost for decades?

- She didn't deserve it.
- But you deserved it?

I asked her where did she get it.

She said somebody
dressed as a black knight

just gave it to her
on the first day of lmagiCon.

Just walked up
and presented it to her as a gift.

She expected me to believe that?

I didn't kill the girl.

I just wanted the sword.

- Oh, man. Feels good.
- Yeah.

- Thanks for coming along.
- Yeah. Any chance to get some fresh air.

Lone guy with a metal detector
in the bushes, looks kind of creepy.

It is. And I know you.

Oh, boy! Frog!

Toad, not frog. Bufo americanus.

And Virginia nailwort.

We're close to where
she buried the sword.

Hold on a second.

I got frequency response.



"I am the once and future king!"

- Way to not be creepy.
- Wow.

- That is not a toy, Dr. Hodgins.
- It kind of is. It's a movie prop.

Stainless steel blade.
That was new technology for the time.

- Edge is dull, of course.
- May I see?

It's badly balanced.

The blade is warped.

All of the prints on the sword
belong to Kendra Kim.

- Could this be the murder weapon?
- She wasn't stabbed or slashed.

The damage to her jaw is unique.
It wasn't from being struck with a sword.

Is that the sword? Can I?

"An elegant weapon
for a more civilized age."

Actually, the age in which swords
were the primary infantry weapon

were some of the most barbaric in history.

- It's a line from Star Wars.
- Obi-Wan Kenobi.

- What language is that supposed to be?
- Why is he all excited?

Finding this sword has given us
a unique advantage in this case.

We now have
what the killer wants the most.

It only makes sense
that the killer's gonna come after it again.

Dr. Sweets wants to lay a trap.

You said that the auctioneer's
no longer a suspect, correct?

So we lean on him to fake the auction?

- No, we can't auction off evidence.
- I never thought of that.

We could insert an undercover asset
who outbids everyone for the item,

- no matter how high the price goes.
- The auction's tomorrow.

I don't have time to set up
that kind of operation.

I'll do it. You and Dr. Brennan have already

been seen walking around lmagiCon
asking questions, right?

Whereas I am an unknown quantity,
an enigma.

"Who is this man bidding
so aggressively for Excalibur?"

I'm confident that if our killer is there,
this will provoke him to reveal himself.

I play the mystery bidder.

You observe the unsuspecting suspects
via video feed in a separate room.

Who's gonna run the camera?

We need someone who blends in.

Someone who looks
like they belong there.

I drug your ghost across the country

And we plotted out my death

In every city, memories would whisper

"Here is where you rest"

What's wrong now?

Sold to the Rancor Princess.
Congratulations, ma'am.

Is there a special reason
why you wanted me here, Agent Perotta?

I thought you wanted
to be involved in the investigation. Okay.

- Pan around, Fisher.
- Lot 784.

- We have an Imperial...
- Good.

- There is Peter Kroon.
going into space.

- Bidding starts at $5,000.
- And there is Valerie Daniels.

- Let's hope she doesn't recognize Sweets.
- I have five. Do I...

There's the Black Knight.

Valerie Daniels said that
a Black Knight gave Kendra the sword.

All right.
Stay on this one, Fisher.

Okay, Lot 922.

We have here the Geiger counter.

The actual Geiger counter used
by Ron Berger in The Day of the Atom.

Who can forget that sound
right before the giant cockroach attack?

Bidding starts at 10,000. Do I have 10?

10 to the Elven Warrior.
15 to the Snaarflap in the front row.

Do I have 16? 16? 20,000!

Going once, twice...

Sold to the Gentleman Molnar!
Sorry, ma'am. Female Molnar.

- They're difficult...
- Okay. Here we go. Sword is next.

Fisher, find Sweets.

Sweets, you gotta try to keep
that giant fuzzy thing

- between you and Valerie Daniels, okay?
- She won't recognize me.

Where did he get that disguise
on such short notice?

My guess is his closet.

The last item needs no introduction.

The Excalibur sword from the film
Le Morte d'Arthur.

- That's great.
- As you may have heard,

the seller of this item
tragically died this week.

According to her family's wishes,
the proceeds for this lot will go to charity.

Due to the rare nature of this item
bidding will start at $50,000.

This will separate the men from the boys...
Or the women.

50,000 to the lady in black.
Do I hear 55? 60?

60 to the gentleman from the future
with the red lips.

Do I hear 70? 70,000, yes.
Do I hear 80? 80,000.

Do I hear 90? We have 80 on the table.
Do I hear...


- Fisher, let me take a look at this guy.
- $150,000!

Going once, twice. 160. 170.

Two? 200,000.

- Who is that guy?
- Who is that guy?

This was Johnny Gerard's
first ever fantasy film.

- 300,000!
- Sir?



In 193 AD, the Praetorian Guard
took over Rome

and auctioned off the entire empire
to the highest bidder.

I don't know why I'm nervous, but I am.

- Sweets, it's fake money!
- Going once...

- Okay? Just do it!
- Going twice...

- Do it!
- 500!

$500,000 for the Excalibur sword.
A half a million dollars.



500,000, going once,


Sold to the skinny gentleman
dressed in a...

Congratulations, sir.
And thank you, everyone.

Good job!

Join the medieval weapons
demonstration in the exhibit hall.

- And you guys don't want to miss the...
- How you doing?

Blackthorn guest panel.
That's tomorrow.

Just making a documentary.

Well, I am gonna go talk to James Bond.

Nice suit. Got a minute?

Badgley Mormont? Is that your real name?

Of course
it's my real name. It's a family name.

Could I possibly get my passport back?

Are you in a big hurry to get somewhere?

- I need to make a flight, yes.
- What's your business with the sword?

I represent a group of collectors
known as the Arthurium Consortium.

We house the world's largest collection
of materials relating to Camelot.

They wanted the sword.

Wow. That was actually pretty wild.

But I'm pretty sure
no one realized the auction was bogus.

- The auction was fixed?
- Uh-oh.

I'm going to sue you
and I'm going to sue you.

You know, intellectually
I knew the auction was fixed.

But, man, my heart was pumping!

Well, technically
your adrenal glands were secreting.

Okay. Remember last session
when we talked about the correcting

- and how it could be read the wrong way?
- Right.

So, how did it feel
when you won the sword?

Awesome! Thank you for asking.

Though I gotta say,
I'll be glad to be back behind my desk.

I had enough excitement to last me...

Hey! Stop!


Sweets, are you hurt?

I don't know. I don't know.

- Mad props.
- Thanks.

You okay?

Okay. You know what? I'm coming in.
All right? You could've been killed.

No. You shouldn't move, Booth.
With a herniated disk,

the splintered cartilage
can irritate the nerves and...

- I'm fine!
- So the pain is gone?

Don't feel a thing.
I might not be moving as fast,

but, hey, still haven't lost my edge.

- So, why wasn't Perotta with you?
- I was with Sweets.

That's like being protected by a Smurf.
Not the sheriff.

The guy who was in charge.
I don't even know his name.

- But he was blue and a small guy...
- Booth, have you taken more Vicodin?

Look, Booth. I'm fine. Sweets is fine.
A little shaken up.

But, really, we're both fine.
Please don't come in.

If you think so.

- But I'm ready.
- That's amazing, in your condition.

Yeah. Well, you know me.

I really think you should just
take your Vicodin and rest.

You're right. Okay.

- Let me talk to Perotta.
- All right. He wants to talk to you.

How are you, Agent Booth?

The only reason that I am not coming in
right now is because Bones told me not to.

But she is your responsibility.
Nothing can happen to her, okay?

If anything happens to her,
you know, that silky black hair and

that soft skin...

I will not let her out of my sight.
You have my word.

Now, we should really
get back to the case, Agent Booth.

Am I stopping you?

Let me in!

All right.

I'm gonna go round up as many
Black Knights as I can at lmagiCon.

In the meantime,
please don't go out in the field without me.

I don't need a sitter.

Booth gets
needlessly protective sometimes.

I have no idea why.

- You really don't, do you?
- No.

Just call me, please.

Matched paint chips
that we lifted from Sweets' car.

Copolymer comprised of ethylenically
unsaturated monomers

containing hydroxyl groups
and other vinyl monomers.

You know,
they could've been killed, Hodgins.

Sweets is way too young for this.
He still has to show his ID to drink.

- But they weren't.
- And Brennan...

She shouldn't be putting herself
in danger like this.

Angela, she cares too much
to keep it all in the lab.

And you're never gonna change her.

Why can't she just get her rocks off
through sex like a normal person, right?

I agree. And in the spirit of friendship,
if, you know, you ever...

Saved by the beep, huh?

The paint is from
an early '90's Ford Explorer.

Now all Perotta has to do
is find an evil Black Knight that owns one.

There's blood on the blade.

So you landed some hits
on the errant knight.

- He's injured.
- Can you pull DNA?

Sure. But we have
nothing to compare it to.

There's some fresh nicks on the blade.

Only metal would
damage the blade like this.

- Was he wearing armor?
- No.

- His movement wasn't constricted at all.
- He jangled.

- Sweets, how are you feeling?
- Appreciative of the airbag.

- Doctor says I'm fine. Thanks.
- Jangled?

- Yeah.
- A lot of change in his pocket?

I wasn't particularly observant.

Because during the attack,
I secreted copious quantities of adrenaline.

An attack
is an acceptable excuse, Dr. Brennan.

I'll have Hodgins examine the sword
and see what he can find.


Hey. I have to thank you, Dr. Brennan,
for saving my life.

I owe you a great deal.

I'm sure you would've
done the same for me, Dr. Sweets,

if I had been trapped in the car.

Yeah. Though I have to say

you were quite impressive
with that sword.

- Your moves, you were very Xena-ish.
- Xena-ish?

Xena. She's a tall warrior princess
who's really a fantasy.

Okay, thank you. I think.

Hey, since we shared
this brush with death, Dr. Brennan,

I was wondering
if I could also call you Bones

- in future moments of shared camaraderie?
- Don't call me Bones.

- You sure about that, Bones?
- Please don't.

None of them drives
a Ford Explorer and they all have alibis.

Four that can be
corroborated by their moms.

- Any way for you to get blood samples?
- No.

I mean, dressing like a medieval knight

isn't exactly enough
to get a warrant to collect DNA.

Maybe you could get the names
of a few more Black Knights

from these Black Knights.

Okay. But I gotta tell you,

being addressed as "m'lady"
for two hours makes one a little cranky.

- M'lady.
- M'lady.

- Mr. Fisher?
- This is the murder weapon.

Not the literal murder weapon.
I'm not that good.

But it certainly falls
within the genre or type.

What is it?

The Pear of Anguish.
A medieval torture device. Valerie had it.

- Valerie...
- Valerie Daniels.

One of the suspects
in the case, Valerie Daniels?

- How did you get it?
- Do we really have to get into that?

- Now we do, yeah.
- Our eyes met at the auction.

We shared a bleak
and profound hopelessness.

- You spent the night with a suspect?
- Yes.

Valerie enjoys quite a collection
of torture devices

and other archaic implements
used for pleasure rather than pain.

- May I?
- Sure.

This particular Pear of Anguish is to be
inserted in either the vagina or the anus.

There are larger ones for the mouth.

As it is opened, it expands the hard palate
and mandible in equal proportions,

which would give exactly these injuries,

crushing the maxilla and zygomatic,
thrusting the bones into the brain,

killing the victim.

That is one horrible way to die.

I wish the depravity and cruelty
of human behavior surprised me.

Does that extend to disciplinary action?

Because you are in big trouble,
my melancholy friend.

Of course I am.
Who could expect a night of love to last?

I've done every test
I can think of on the sword.

Can I say something?

The only thing I'm willing to hear
from you right now, Mr. Fisher,

is "I hereby tender my resignation."

Practically speaking,
this sword is not worth enough to kill for.

Anything is worth killing for,
then everything is worth killing for.

It's worth so much
because it appeared in the movie.

That's conveyed value.

Intrinsically, it can't be worth
more than a few hundred dollars.

You mean, if it really
was a sword from 100 AD,

- you'd understand killing for it?
- Yes, I would.

I'd very much like to examine
a sword like that.

- What about the marks on this sword?
- Metal, you struck metal.

You said he was a knight.

Chain mail.
I'm thinking chain mail.


- What?
- The knight who attacked me

was authentic in his moves.

He used two attack maneuvers,
the serpent and the arrowhead.

He could've learned them from movies.

Movies never show combatants
holding the sword correctly,

which is one hand on the handle
and the other on the blade.

Our assailant's form
was historically accurate.

So you believe you were attacked
by an actual Arthurian knight?

No. Time travel is scientifically impossible.
But I was attacked by someone

well-trained in archaic martial arts
wearing chain mail.

Hodgins, we're gonna need to use
your metal detector again.


I think that she means
that you should go with her.

Oh, yeah. Right. Hey, field trip.

What's that?

Part of Sweets' car.
Think he wants it back?

- I'll ask him.
- So what am I looking for exactly?

Maybe the Black Knight
dropped his metal wallet?

No. Historically, that would be a
leather sack held together with flax thread.

It wouldn't register
on your metal detector. I hit him hard.

Perhaps hard enough
to dislodge some of his chain mail.

What we're looking at
is flat, riveted chain mail.

Is it real?

If by "real" you mean, does it come
from medieval times? No. No.

But it's a very, very good replica.
Made of wrought iron.

It's alternating rows of solid rings
and riveted rings. Historically accurate.

But the smelting methods
for the wrought iron are modern.

- Can you trace the manufacturer?
- I had Fisher do it.

Hodgins, are you trying to help someone?
Because that's not in your character.

The way I see it,
Fisher's like a deep-cover agent.

He infiltrated the enemy
to uncover secrets.

In order to do so,
he had to suffer a night of passion

with a beautiful but dangerous enemy.

- You have no idea how dangerous.
- He's sort of my hero.

- All right. What have you got?
- I didn't have to go far.

There are only three manufacturers
working at this level with these materials.

Can I please keep my job if I promise
never ever to have sex again with anyone,

which, by the way,
suits me temperamentally?

I happen to be very self-sufficient.

I won't require that, Mr. Fisher,
but I do require discretion.

Nothing will pass
these lips again, Dr. Saroyan.

Even if a scary hot woman in black leather
uses the Pear of Anguish on me.

Which I'm actually afraid she will.

Kroon the Blacksmith.

You started out
as a serious historian at Yale.

You studied medieval warfare
and Chaucerian literature at Oxford.

You're a published poet.

You're wondering
how a man with all my potential

ended up selling artifacts
to fantasy geeks?

- No. I don't care.
- Your car shows you are the person

who drove Dr. Brennan
and Dr. Sweets off the road.

Your wound matches the one
Dr. Brennan delivered to her assailant.

It was your blood on the sword.

And we found fragments
of your chain mail.

- We know you did it.
- We just don't know why.

- But we really don't care why.
- Well, I kind of do.

I mean, the motive thing
is pretty central to a conviction.

I know why he did it.

Read this to him.
"What is a man without his love?"

"What is a man without his love?

"If love turn its back on thee,
it is as a hearth with no fire.

"'Tis best to slay the false heart,
to waken from the dream that is life

"than live dark-hearted in a dark world."

- What's that?
- It's mine. I wrote that.

- It's a confession.
- It's a confession.

I loved her. It's stupid, but...

Love is stupid, you know?

You gave her the sword,
your most valuable possession,

and she tried to sell it for rent?

You killed her
because she wanted to sell a movie prop?

You don't understand.

No one understands true love anymore!

So he killed her
because he loved her so much?

The whole Age of Chivalry was irrational.

Knights, maidens. Thank goodness
we've moved through the Reformation,

and the Enlightenment,
into the Age of Reason.

Do you... Do you see what I mean?

Not at all. I gotta tell you, man.

I think they had a pretty good idea
with the whole chivalry thing, you know?

Open car doors, kill dragons, small hearts.

- Are you still on Vicodin?
- Yeah, a little.

Okay. What I'm trying to show you
is that your doctor is wrong.

- You've been misdiagnosed.
- Give me that! What?

There's just a slight misalignment.

- I'd be happy to fix it for you.
- No, no, no, no.

The last time you did that,
I almost ended up in a wheelchair.

- Don't you trust me?
- Let's not make it about trust.

Well, it's a fact.
A fact is not what I make of it.

It's just a fact. Are you ready?

I'm definitely
not ready now. Thanks.

It's open!



I didn't...
I thought you said the door was open.

It is open. I'm done. I'm just leaving.

No, no. No, no.
I just brought some chili I made, but...

You know what?
I'll just leave that there. And you can...

- Are you all right?
- He's fine now.

- I gotta tell you, I'm afraid to move.
- He's fine. Please, you stay.

No, no. I really... I really can't.
So, you stay.

- I've gotta go.
- I can't stay.

Great. Now nobody's staying?


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