Bonanza (1959–1973): Season 7, Episode 8 - The Meredith Smith - full transcript
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You sure you won't
have another steak?
Ah. Ah, no, thank you, Ben.
Thank you kindly.
Uh, three is about
my limit for lunch.
You know, Jake, you don't
eat as hardy as you used to.
That's the truth, Ben.
That's the truth.
Maybe it's the heat.
I don't recall a hot spell
as bad as this in
the last 40 years.
Yeah, it sure is a rough one.
Now...
Jake, about the, uh,
renewal of our agreement
on the water rights.
I had Ira Minton draw
up the contract as usual.
Uh, lawyers come pretty
high these days, Ben.
Uh, you paying the bill?
Yeah, as-as usual.
Now, for your
protection, now, Jake,
I want you to go over
that contract with Ira.
I intend to do just that, Ben,
as long as you're
paying the bill.
Yeah. As, uh, usual.
Howdy, Jake.
Howdy, boys.
Yes, sir, sure is a
pleasure seeing you, Ben.
Even though it is
only once a year.
Well, it's a pleasure
seeing you, too, Jake.
You know, we're very
grateful for the water rights
- that we get from you.
- Mm-hmm, yeah.
Ponderosa sure needs plenty of water.
- Yeah.
Hey, Jake, aren't you kind
of hot in that black suit?
Nope. Black keeps the sun out.
You boys ought to know that.
Didn't they teach you
anything in school?
Now, Ben, as long as I'm here,
I wonder if you'll
advise me on something.
Well, I will if I can.
Well, the thing is, I've
decided to make out my will.
Oh. What's the matter, Jake?
Ain't you feeling too well?
I'm feeling fine.
Oh, what's all the
concern about a will?
Don't you think a
92-year-old man
ought to have his
affairs in order?
If you're feeling fine...
I was till I got here, but
danged if it don't look like
I'm about to be talked to death.
Just trying to help,
Jake. Just trying to help.
Now, Ben, would you
be kind enough to tell me
how to go about
making out a will?
Oh, Jake, I... I think you
ought to see a lawyer about that.
Mm?
Oh, look, you...
you're gonna stop over
and see Ira Minton about
the water agreement.
Why don't you ask him?
Hey, maybe you got
an idea there, Ben.
As long as I'm seeing Ira
about these here papers,
why don't he just add
the will-making to the bill?
All right, Jake, if that's
the way you want it.
It's a right smart thought
you had there, Ben.
I'm much obliged.
Uh, here, let me help you up.
Let me alone. I-I'm all right.
Jake?
Jake?
Let's get him in the house, Pa.
- Yeah.
- No, no. No... no time for that, Hoss.
There's no time for nothing now,
not even... making
out my... my will.
Oh, you're gonna
be all right, Jake.
The-the heat got to
you a little bit, that's all.
No, no.
Feels like my...
head's split wide open.
Ben. Ben.
- I'm right here, Jake.
- Oh.
I want everything I got
to go to my... next of kin.
All right.
Well, will you...
will you see to it?
I-I-I... I give you my word.
Jake, you'll be all right.
Oh, thanks. I'm
much obliged to you.
Jake... who's your next of kin?
Jake?
Who is your next of kin?
Meredith Smith.
Did you say "Meredith Smith"?
Yeah, that's right.
Ben... see to it.
Meredith Smith gets...
everything I... got.
♪♪
Ira, you can't be serious.
I was never more
serious in my life.
According to these, I judge that
Jake Smith's holdings amount
to well over $160,000.
$160,000?!
Well, this is his title
to acreage in Texas.
These are shares in a thriving
copper mine in Montana.
And this is part interest...
A generous part interest...
In a freight line running out
of Oklahoma into New Mexico.
Yes, I'd say that Jake
did all right by himself
in his short 92 years.
When I think of the steaks I fed
that man over the past 15 years.
You know, maybe that's why
he was able to accumulate
as much as he did.
True, true. Uh, uh, what do
I do with those papers, Ira?
Well, since you're the
executor of the estate...
No... Wait a minute.
Who says I'm the
executor of his estate?
Well, he appointed you
with his dying breath.
Both your sons were witnesses.
That makes you the executor,
whether you like it or not.
Well, I don't like it.
Well, nevertheless,
that's the law.
Now, your first job is to
find old Jake's heir or heirs.
He did name one, didn't he?
Yeah. Meredith Smith,
whoever that may be.
Well, then, go find
Meredith Smith.
Well, wait a minute!
How do I go about doing that?
Well, the simplest
way is to advertise.
Put notices in all the legal
columns of every newspaper.
- Oh.
- You've got six months.
Six months. Uh, uh,
oh, why-why six months?
It's the law.
It's designed to
protect the estate
against any false claims
made by possible debtors.
Oh, I see, sure.
Uh, I'll bill you for
all this, of course.
Of course.
Still nothing, huh?
Nothing. For six
months, nothing.
Nobody's even made a
claim against the estate.
Pa, I wonder why
that Meredith Smith
hasn't answered the
notice you put in the paper.
Oh, I've been wondering
that for six months.
Well, at least we
got till tomorrow.
Sure. And after that,
everything reverts back
to the territory of Nevada,
including the water rights.
Well, we've got to have water.
Hey, what about that creek
over on the Harris place?
I've talked to
Mr. Harris about that.
Water there is so low, he
hasn't any to spare for us.
Guess we'll just have to
hope Meredith Smith shows up.
That's a pretty
hopeless thought, isn't it?
That's him coming down
the street there with his son.
Much obliged, sir.
Mr. Ben Cartwright.
- That's right.
- I'm Meredith Smith.
Well... well, it sure is good
to meet you, Mr. Smith.
Uh, uh, this is my son Joseph.
Joseph, this is Meredith Smith.
- How do you do?
- We've been waiting to meet you. Meet...
- How are you?
- You've come to claim Jake's estate?
Yes, sir, I did.
Poor Uncle Jake.
Jake was your uncle?
Yes, sir, he was, and as
fine a man as ever lived.
Did he leave much?
Oh, he left a tidy sum.
As a matter of fact,
uh, I guess you'll be able
to get along all right if you
don't chew too much tobacco.
Uh, uh, how is that, sir?
Oh, I... I was just
trying to make a joke.
Uh, oh, no, he left
a goodly amount.
Of course, as you know by
my advertisement in the paper,
you can't claim it
until after tomorrow.
Oh, yes, sir, I-I read
that piece in the paper,
but, uh, how come I
can't get it till tomorrow?
Oh, it's just a
technicality, you see.
Just a technicality.
See, we have to
wait a full six months
just to make sure there
aren't any creditors claims.
- I see.
- Tomorrow's the last day.
Yeah.
Uh, Mr. Smith, why don't
you go over to that hotel there?
It's a very fine place.
You just rent yourself a room
and charge it to my account.
Well, that's very nice
of you, Mr. Cartwright.
I'll be there when you need me.
Well, it's sure good to see you,
Mr. Smith. Sure good to see you.
Looking forward to it.
That was awful nice of you,
taking care of
the room like that.
Well, son, a little
politicking doesn't hurt.
He owns the water rights.
Whoa.
Yep.
Where can I find
Mr. Ben Cartwright?
Uh, Mr. Ben Cartwright?
Ma'am.
I am glad to meet you.
I'm Meredith Smith.
Did you say "Meredith Smith"?
Well, I'd say it's
an improvement.
Ma'am, this is, uh...
this is my son Joseph.
Miss... Miss Smith.
How do you do?
It's my pleasure, ma'am.
Uh, well, let me... let me
take your suitcase, Miss Smith.
And, uh, Joseph, I'll take
Miss Smith over to the hotel
and get her settled, and I'll...
I'll meet you later
at the saloon.
Sure you don't want
me to help you, Pa?
No, I'm... fine.
Oh.
Mm, mm!
Potts, this, uh...
young lady would like
a room in your hotel.
Certainly, Mr. Cartwright.
Meredith Smith?
But that big cowboy...
Uh, uh, Mr. Potts, uh...
Just make sure
that this young lady
has one of your best
rooms. She's my guest.
Anything you say,
Mr. Cartwright.
Thank you, Mr. Cartwright.
It's a pleasure, Miss Smith.
What do you think, Pa?
Well, obviously, one
of them is a fraud.
Question is, which one?
Yeah. You know, I
hope it's not the girl.
She's pretty good-looking.
What?
Oh, nothing. I just got a hunch.
- You don't suppose...
- No.
Don't say it. I think
you may be right.
Mr. Ben Cartwright?
Mr. Meredith Smith.
Well, how did you know that?
Oh, we've, uh,
been expecting you.
Oh.
Well, I'm afraid
the Smith estate
won't be settled until
sometime tomorrow.
Well, I'm in no
hurry, Mr. Cartwright.
Oh, well, that's good. Uh,
you'll find that the, uh, hotel
at the corner is a
very nice place to stay.
You just tell the clerk
that you're my guest.
Well, thank you very much.
Until tomorrow, then.
Until tomorrow.
Pa, you'll never guess in
your whole life who this is.
Meredith Smith.
Yeah.
Yeah. How'd you know that?
Oh, Pa's very quick to catch on.
Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Smith.
It's a pleasure to meet
you, Mr. Cartwright.
I, uh... I presume you've
come about the estate?
Oh, yes.
Well, it'll take a day or two
before everything can
be straightened out.
Oh, I understand.
Legal matters have a way
of getting complicated.
Yeah, I didn't realize
how much until now. Uh...
Well, uh...
I guess you two boys have
plenty to keep you busy.
I'll take Mr. Smith
over to the hotel
and get him straightened out.
Come along, Mr. Smith.
Hey, Joe, what's going
on around here, anyhow?
Hoss, if I told you,
you wouldn't believe it.
Look here, Mr. Cartwright,
just what do you
think you're doing?
Well, for one thing, I'm
creating a small boom
in the hotel business
all by myself.
Now, Mr. Smith is gonna
register as my guest in this hotel.
So just give him a pen.
That's fine.
- Excuse me...
- Oh, there you are.
Uh, I'd like you to meet
my pa, Ben Cartwright.
- Oh. -Ma'am.
- Mrs. Smith.
Yeah, Mrs. Smith just came
in on the California stage.
Mrs. Meredith Smith?
Yes. It was so thoughtful
of you to send your son
to meet me.
Yes, he's a... great help.
Where's your, uh...
where's your brother Hoss?
Oh, he went back
to the Ponderosa.
I...
He told me to remind you
we still have a ranch to run.
Yes, I hope so. Yes. Uh...
Well, Mrs. Smith, uh...
would you like to register?
Mr. Potts.
This lady is going to register
here as my guest in this hotel.
Can I have a beer, Cosmo?
Yeah, make it two.
Thing has really turned
into a problem, hasn't it?
Yeah.
I think we deserve a beer.
You know, I was
just thinking, though...
All right, suppose Jake's land
goes to the territory of Nevada.
Now, why can't we get
the water rights from them?
Oh, I wish it were that easy.
If the land goes back to
the territory of Nevada,
it goes up for auction.
Everybody knows we
want the water rights,
so the price goes sky-high.
We've got to find the rightful
heir before the time is up.
Drink hearty.
Mm. What's brother
Hoss doing back in town?
Hoss, what are you
doing back here?
Well, while on the way to
the Ponderosa a while ago,
I ran into a feller
looking for you.
Oh, what'd he want?
Well, he... says his
name's Meredith Smith.
- Oh...
- Another one?
Yep.
Well, where is he?
Well, he's sort of bashful.
He's standing over
here at the door.
Keep your fingers crossed.
Mr. Smith, this is my
pa, Ben Cartwright.
Meredith Smith,
most honorable sir.
And I'm telling you, the
whole idea's preposterous.
Not at all. I'm
Mr. Cartwright's guest, ain't I?
Excuse me, uh, Mr. Potts.
Uh, what seems
to be the trouble?
This gentleman here
wishes me to pay
for his barbershop services
and put it on your bill.
Oh, uh...
Well, after all, the
gentleman is my guest.
Much obliged.
Oh, uh... Uh,
don't forget to tip.
I'm a big tipper.
Big tipper.
Big show-off, if you ask me.
Here you go.
Now, just how much of this
do you intend to stand for?
Oh, well, Mr. Potts, I... Oops.
Oh, good morning,
Mr. Cartwright.
Huh.
I've had so much fun
just buying a few things.
My, Virginia City has quite
a nice collection of shops
- for a town this size.
- Ye-Yes, it has a...
Oh, I... I charged
'em to my hotel bill.
You don't mind, do you?
Oh, no, no, of course not.
An heiress can't be
expected to wear just anything.
Oh, well, uh... you're
absolutely right.
It's very pretty.
Oh, of course I'll reimburse
you when the estate is settled.
Oh, of course.
You are a dear.
An absolute dear!
Thank you.
Just add these to
the others, Mr. Potts.
Anything you say,
Mr. Cartwright,
but I must say... Don't.
Good morning, Mr. Cartwright.
Lovely day, isn't it?
Yes, it, uh...
it's a lovely day.
I've been out
buying a few things,
and since I'm a
little short of cash...
Just until the estate
is settled, of course...
Of course.
I thought that, uh...
You, uh, might want to
charge these to your hotel bill.
Yes. How did you know?
Oh... I just sort of guessed.
It isn't very much, really:
a few bottles of
Dr. Wisdom's Wonder Tonic,
five pounds of cloves
and a few fresh coffee beans.
You see, I'm bothered
with a little stomach trouble.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that,
Mrs. Smith, I really am.
Well, ta-ta.
I have a lot to take care of.
Just thinking
about all that money
is giving me a
case of indigestion.
Ah...
Five pounds of cloves?
Better prepare
yourself, Mr. Cartwright.
Ah, present for Mr. Cartwright.
Thank you, honorable sir.
Oh... You're welcome.
Well, what did I buy?
Eight pounds lychee nuts,
six stuffed water lilies,
ginger-powdered
coconut, seven jellyfish
and a dried squid.
No shark fin?
Callie!
Don't call me "Callie."
Well, all right.
If I don't call you Callie,
what do I call you?
I don't want you
to call me anything.
I don't want you to
even speak to me.
Now, look, what
are you doing here?
I'd say that wasn't
any of your business.
I asked you to stay in Abilene.
I told you I'd be back for you
as soon as I had enough
money for us to get married.
Now, why didn't you wait for me?
I got tired of waitin'.
Honey, you know I love you.
Well, you said that before, too.
Now, why should
I believe you now?
- Let me go.
- Not until you tell me
what you're doing here.
Callie!
Callie!
Oh. Oh, oh, my goodness.
Uh, I-I thought this
was, uh, my room.
Oh, that's all right, dearie.
- But you're not...
- Come right on in.
You must think... Oh, dear.
Oh, I never could tell one
hall door from another myself.
Set a spell.
Uh... thank you. Uh...
I, uh... don't
believe I'd better.
You going somewhere?
Uh, no.
A-As a matter of
fact, I just came in.
I-I-I've got a dreadful
headache, and, uh...
I went out to get
something for it.
Oh, then you should've
come here in the first place.
Well...
I got just the thing for you.
Just the thing for me?
Here you are.
Take a good, long swallow.
Uh...
Uh, "Dr. Wisdom's Wonder Tonic"?
You'll wonder how you
ever got along without it.
Mm-hmm.
I'm a bit cautious
about taking strange medicine.
Oh... so am I.
But you don't need to
worry about this one.
As a matter of fact,
I feel a little headache
coming on myself.
I'll take one with you.
Mmm!
Ooh.
That wasn't so bad, was it?
It's... it-it's
warming, isn't it?
You noticed that?
Mm-hmm.
It's the sure sign
of a quick cure.
Mm-hmm.
Reckon I ought to
have another one,
just to keep you company.
Uh, Mrs. Smith...
you're a kind, thoughtful woman.
Oh. It's sweet of you to say so.
Oh.
It is warming.
It's very nice of you
to share it with me.
It's the least I
can do for a friend.
You... consider me a friend?
Certainly.
Well... I don't usually
make friends easily.
An interesting man like you.
I never would have known it.
In fact, at times,
I get quite lonely.
Being a widow's lonely, too.
Are you feeling better?
- Considerably.
- Oh.
Do you suppose
that I need another?
You oughtn't to take a chance.
Well, I'm...
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
- Oh?
- Ladies first.
Oh.
All right.
Mm, mm, mm.
Mmm!
That was a good one.
Do you want another one?
- Oh!
- Come on.
- No. Oh, no.
- Come on.
Wait, Callie.
Now what?
I just found out what
you're doing here.
I'm doing the same
thing you're doing.
No, with me, it's different.
Sure it is.
You want to get rid
of everybody else
so you can have
it all for yourself.
Callie, you're gonna get
yourself in a lot of trouble.
You're trying to scare me off
so your chances will be better.
That's what it boils
down to, isn't it?
Callie, you know
I'm in love with you.
And I just can't
stand the thought
of you ending up
behind prison bars.
Now, what do I have
to say to convince you
that you're making
a terrible mistake?
There's nothing you can say.
Now, I'm not going
back to that saloon.
And when I get that money,
I'm going to Europe and study
music like I always planned.
Now, if you want better
odds, Mr. Gambler,
you go talk somebody
else into quitting.
Now, when old Jake
died, I promised to see to it
that his heir would,
uh, get all the property
that old Jake left.
Now, up until yesterday,
I didn't have any luck
at all locating an heir.
Now, today, I...
I got more luck than I need.
Explain, please.
Uh, we are all, uh,
Meredith Smiths.
Ah, so... Nice big family.
Now, how do you
account for the fact
that all of you are
named Meredith Smith?
Well, that's a... that's an old
family name, Mr. Cartwright.
Oh, I see.
You know, I had
a... I had a meeting
with Sheriff Coffee
this morning,
and we were going
through some posters,
and just by chance,
you might say,
we came across this poster.
Uh, how do you
account for the fact
that, uh, the name
under this picture of you
is, uh, "John Swanson,"
also known as
"Snake Oil Swanson"?
One of the slickest
con men in the West.
Well, you'll... you-you
notice, Mr. Cartwright,
that, uh... that poster
doesn't say "wanted."
It, uh, uh... it says "warning."
Well, that's true.
But a charge of attempted
fraud can change the wording.
Well... well, let's...
let's not be hasty about this.
Let's, uh, just say that I
made an error in judgment,
and, uh...
why don't we forget
the whole thing?
Well, all right, I
don't mind that.
On one condition...
That you leave Virginia
City immediately.
Of course.
Pity. We might have
made a lovely family.
Ladies and
gentlemen, I think, uh...
I think I ought to
tell you that, uh,
attempted fraud,
or fraud of any kind,
is a crime punishable by law.
Now, is there anybody
else that might like
to confess to an
error in judgment?
Hmm. Very well, then.
I guess the next thing
we ought to do is, uh,
find out what kin
you all were to Jake,
uh, and what you
have to prove it.
And we'll start with,
uh... we'll start with you.
Well, uh... Well, uh, uh...
Here is, uh, my family Bible,
uh, with, uh... uh, my
name. Uh... Mm-hmm.
Oh, and-and, uh, date of birth.
Yeah. Uh, now,
wh-where were you born?
- Connecticut.
- Connecticut.
And, uh, what relationship
did you have with Jake?
Uh... oh, um... Well, oh.
Oh, oh.
Would-would you
repeat the question?
Well, what-what-what
kin were you of Jake's?
Uh... I-I don't know.
You don't know?
We never lived in...
near any of our relatives.
Oh, I-I... I see. Thank you.
- Thank you.
- All right.
Oh, I... I beg your pardon.
Miss Smith?
He was my grandpa.
But I never expected to
have my word doubted.
Well, just trying to get
things straight, Miss Smith.
Mr. Smith?
I was his grandson.
But I'm afraid you'll just
have to take my word for it.
Mm-hmm.
Mrs. Smith?
Here's my marriage
certificate, Mr. Cartwright.
He was a fine man.
Yes.
Well, I guess that,
uh, leaves you.
I son.
His son?!
- Adopted son.
- Oh.
Papers say so.
Oh.
Well, it's in Chinese.
Why not? I Chinese.
Oh.
Yes, thank you, thank
you, thank you very much.
Uh, well, thank you very
much, ladies and gentlemen.
I'll take everything
that you've, uh,
told me into consideration.
And I'll be in
touch with all of you
just as soon as I
possibly can be.
Thank you.
Well, I think that we
should talk this over.
There's nothing to talk about.
I stand pat.
I have nothing to lose.
Uh, neither have I.
Same like rest of family.
We'll return to tonight's
story of Bonanza
in a moment.
And now the exciting
conclusion of tonight's story.
Good morning, Ching Liu.
- Morning, Mr. Cartwright.
- Morning.
Not shirt day.
Tuesday shirt day.
Oh, oh, I-I didn't forget.
That's not why I came in.
Uh, you can read
Chinese, can't you?
Yes, but not all
ancient scholars.
Well, I don't think this was
written by an ancient scholar.
- It's a legal document.
- What I do?!
Well, you didn't do anything.
I just want you to read it.
Oh. Better.
More better.
Not have glasses.
Yeah, need glasses.
You see them?
No, but, well, I'll help
you look for them.
Don't seem to be around.
Crazy woman all the time
clean and hide glasses!
Where's my glasses?!
- I find.
- Oh.
You no have to yell.
Crazy woman yell all the time.
Ah.
Ooh.
That's a pretty legal
document, isn't it?
Pretty legal, official.
Oh, "official."
Well, what does it say?
License to hunt snakes.
Ay-ya!
Morning, Cal.
Well, hi, Ben.
What can I do for you?
Well, I was hoping you'd be able
to tell me something
about this paper.
Well, I'll do the best I can.
Eh, just a minute while I
get my magnifying glass.
Huh.
Where'd that fool thing go?
I had it just a minute ago.
Cal?
Try your pocket.
- Pocket?
- Yeah.
No, no.
Now, how did you know?
Figured.
Now, where's the paper?
Well...
Oh.
Eh, Meredith Crane
and Jacob Smith.
Now, does this belong to that
woman that's been claiming
- she's old Jake's widow?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I was hoping
you might be able
to clear the matter up for me.
Well, maybe we can.
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
Well, what-what-what is it?
They're watermarks, watermarks.
Now, hold it up to the light.
Yeah, there up in
the left-hand corner.
Yeah, what about it?
Well, it means that 20 years ago
when this certificate was dated,
that paper manufacturing
company wasn't even in business!
Is that a fact?
Yeah.
Is that a fact?
Come here.
- Hey, what about this Bible?
- Huh?
That's hard to say.
Seems real enough.
Look at it through the glass.
Any way you can be sure?
Well, I reckon I can
compare the paper
in this Bible with an
old one I have at home.
Oh, I'd appreciate that.
- Would you do that, Cal?
- Of course, Ben!
Anything I can do to help.
Thank you, Cal.
I think I know of a grieving
widow who may need some help.
Hmm?
Well, now, Mrs. Smith?
Mm.
Mr. Smith?
Well, now.
Jake Smith was a very lucky man.
Who?
Uh, your husband.
I haven't got a husband.
Uh, uh, when he
was alive, I mean.
Who?
Uh, uh, your husband.
I just told you.
I never had a husband.
Well, aren't you a widow?
Certainly I'm a widow.
But I'm afraid I
don't understand.
Nothing complicated about it.
Widowing's my business.
Your business?
Yes, you dear, sweet little man.
Have another clove.
Oh.
- You see...
- Mmm.
When I hear somebody's
looking for an heir...
- Mm-hmm.
- I show up as the widow.
Mm-hmm.
You do?
Oh.
Why?
Don't you see?
If nobody else shows up,
then I inherit the boodle.
Oh, my goodness.
Uh, isn't that wrong?
Of course not, you
dear, sweet little man.
Look at the trouble
I save everybody.
They can all stop looking
and have peace of mind.
And, of course, I always see
that the money
is put to good use.
Why, just oodles of people
sleep better nights
because of me.
That is the most noble,
humanitarian thing I ever heard
in my whole life.
You are... absolutely...
the most... thoughtful...
wonderful person...
I've ever met
in my whole life.
Oh, you sweet,
adorable little man.
Oh... I can't understand
how no woman ever
claimed you for a husband.
Uh... may I have another clove?
Mr. Smith...
Miss Smith.
Coochie-coochie-coo.
Ah...
Oh.
Come along.
Now, sit down right
here, young man.
Now...
what is your name?
- Meredith.
- No, no, no, no, no.
What is your real name?
Your Chinese name?
Ah.
Ah Chow.
Ach... what?
Ah Chow, like...
Uh, no, never mind. Now, look.
Ah Chow, I had a friend of mine
read this paper
which you gave me.
I don't think you should expect
to inherit anything from
the Jake Smith estate.
Ah, so.
Aren't you disappointed?
Is that all you have to say?
Confucius say, "Win
some, lose some."
You have wife, honorable sir?
Well, no, but what
has that got to do
with what we're talking about?
Ah Chow number one houseboy.
Oh, well, Ah Chow, I
don't need a houseboy.
Cook, clean, sew button...
Look, I said I don't need one.
How you know till you try?
Have references.
Well... Oh... Ah Chow,
they're in Chinese.
Why not? I Chinese.
Number one references.
Oh, Potts.
Good afternoon, Mr. Cartwright.
Uh... Potts, I'd like
you to do me a favor.
Certainly.
Is Miss Meredith Smith in?
As far as I know. I
didn't see her go out.
Uh, would you, uh, tell her
to come down to the lobby?
I'd like to talk to her.
I don't have to tell her.
Here she comes now.
Now, remember,
all you have to do
is just look at her and
see if you recognize her.
All right, Mr. Cartwright.
Oh, Miss Smith!
Oh, hello, Mr. Cartwright.
- Hi.
- How are you today?
Oh, just fine.
Uh, Miss Smith, I'd like
you to meet Mr. Ozzie Flynn.
From Abilene.
Well, that's where
you're from, isn't it?
Oh, sure, I know
her, Mr. Cartwright.
That's Callie Martin.
Used to sing at the
Red Dog Saloon.
Howdy, honey.
Callie, this was
bound to happen.
- You let me go.
- Not yet.
Are you sure you've
not made any mistake?
Oh, no. Not in a million
years, Mr. Cartwright.
That's her, all right.
And-and I know
that feller she's with.
He's a gambler named
Ace-in-the-Hole Jones.
You dirty skunk,
will you let me go!
Ooh!
Mr. Cartwright, i-i-if you
don't need me no more,
I-I-I'd just as lief go
while I'm still able.
You go ahead. Thank you, Ozzie.
Thank you for your help.
Uh, from now on, I
don't know nobody.
Oh, what are you gonna do now?
Try and swindle somebody else?
Callie, I'm no swindler.
You know better than that.
Now, what do I have
to do to convince you?
Ah Chow, what are you doing?
I number one bellboy, too.
Bellboy?
Yes.
Business has been so good
lately, I had to put on help.
I have job now.
Make plenty money.
I can now stay America.
No need go back Hong Kong.
Mr. Cartwright?
Yes, Mrs. Smith?
I am leaving immediately.
Does that mean that you're...
relinquishing your claim
to the Jake Smith estate?
It does.
Mr. Smith here and I
have just been united in
the holy bonds of matrimony,
and I have no intention of
working on my honeymoon.
Working on...
Well, congratulations
to both of you. I...
Uh... Mr. Smith,
are you leaving, too?
Ah, with my beautiful bride.
Well, I... You
know, this-this Bible,
it's authentic.
Of course.
May I have my Bible, please?
Well, yes, of course.
As a matter of fact...
I knew all along I was
not related to Jake Smith.
Now I can retire
and let you go on
snatching the boodle.
What?
Let's get out of here
while the getting's good.
Yes, you marvelous,
wonderful man!
Well, I hope they'll be
very happy with each other.
That leaves me with
two discredited heirs.
No, only one.
You see, old Jake Smith
really was my grandfather.
Ah.
You know that ranch
he would never leave?
Well, it was located on the
south bank of Willow Creek.
Yeah, well, anybody
could've found that out.
You're a hard man to
convince, Mr. Cartwright.
Well, let me see.
Oh, I remember something
about a copper mine
that he owned in... Idaho.
Oh.
No. Montana.
And when I was a little guy,
I took a ride from Oklahoma City
to New Mexico on a freight
line that he was part owner in.
And the last time I saw him,
he was just getting
ready to buy some land
to run cattle on down in Texas.
Yeah.
Oh. One more thing.
He could put away more
steak than any man I ever met.
That does it.
By golly, you are the fella.
Meredith Smith,
I-I've been looking
for you for six months.
And I'm gonna turn that
estate over to you right now.
Thank you, Mr. Cartwright.
Then you really
are... Yes, I really am.
Callie... you wouldn't
want me to live
on that big ranch
all alone, would you?
My name's Betsy.
Betsy Hackenbush.
Mine's Jake, honey.
Jake Smith, just
like my grandfather's.
My middle name was Meredith.
I don't think I'll have any
trouble remembering that name.
One more thing.
You know, I just can't see you
moving off to Europe
to study music.
Well, then, I'll
just have to settle
for a piano in the parlor.
Mmm.
My, that was good.
Sure was.
Well, I'm sure glad
that you enjoyed it.
Well, why don't we mix a
little business with pleasure?
I have the water agreement
here all ready to sign,
if you'd like to read it.
Oh, yes.
Well, I'm sure that's
in order, Mr. Cartwright.
Oh, not so fast, dear.
We did say I was going
to handle the money.
I meant the household money.
I meant all the money.
Well, it's very obvious,
Mr. Cartwright, that, uh,
my husband's grandfather
was very lenient with you.
Well, what do you mean?
Now, honey,
please... Shh, darling.
You know very well that you
need that water desperately.
Oh, is that, uh...
is that what you
think, Mrs. Smith?
Oh, no, it's not what I think.
It's what I know.
Now, I figure a 25% increase,
per month, to be
added to the total
until a 12-month
period is ended.
Um, Mrs. Smith, uh...
I think perhaps you
ought to know that, uh...
Mr. Crawford was
by here yesterday.
Mr. Crawford's a
neighbor of ours.
He owns the ranch about
20 miles away from here.
He has a big, gushing
stream of water
running along his land,
and he offered to supply us
with all the water we
could possibly need here.
So maybe we'd just better
forget about this
contract completely.
Well, let's not be hasty, now.
A deal's a deal.
Well, it...
There are your water
rights, Mr. Cartwright.
Say good-bye to the
Cartwrights, honey,
and, uh, thank Mr. Cartwright
for his generous hospitality.
- Thank you, Mr. Cartwright.
- Thank you.
Nice to see you. Thank
you for dropping by.
Bye.
Pa...
did Mr. Crawford offer you
that water, sure enough?
Well, it seems to me I
went by Crawford's place,
uh, not too many days ago... I
think it was last Wednesday...
And that gushing, bubbling
stream was dry as a bone.
Oh.
Well, I'll tell you, son, uh...
see, when you play
poker with a gambler,
or with his wife,
sometimes a... a bluff
comes in mighty handy.
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You sure you won't
have another steak?
Ah. Ah, no, thank you, Ben.
Thank you kindly.
Uh, three is about
my limit for lunch.
You know, Jake, you don't
eat as hardy as you used to.
That's the truth, Ben.
That's the truth.
Maybe it's the heat.
I don't recall a hot spell
as bad as this in
the last 40 years.
Yeah, it sure is a rough one.
Now...
Jake, about the, uh,
renewal of our agreement
on the water rights.
I had Ira Minton draw
up the contract as usual.
Uh, lawyers come pretty
high these days, Ben.
Uh, you paying the bill?
Yeah, as-as usual.
Now, for your
protection, now, Jake,
I want you to go over
that contract with Ira.
I intend to do just that, Ben,
as long as you're
paying the bill.
Yeah. As, uh, usual.
Howdy, Jake.
Howdy, boys.
Yes, sir, sure is a
pleasure seeing you, Ben.
Even though it is
only once a year.
Well, it's a pleasure
seeing you, too, Jake.
You know, we're very
grateful for the water rights
- that we get from you.
- Mm-hmm, yeah.
Ponderosa sure needs plenty of water.
- Yeah.
Hey, Jake, aren't you kind
of hot in that black suit?
Nope. Black keeps the sun out.
You boys ought to know that.
Didn't they teach you
anything in school?
Now, Ben, as long as I'm here,
I wonder if you'll
advise me on something.
Well, I will if I can.
Well, the thing is, I've
decided to make out my will.
Oh. What's the matter, Jake?
Ain't you feeling too well?
I'm feeling fine.
Oh, what's all the
concern about a will?
Don't you think a
92-year-old man
ought to have his
affairs in order?
If you're feeling fine...
I was till I got here, but
danged if it don't look like
I'm about to be talked to death.
Just trying to help,
Jake. Just trying to help.
Now, Ben, would you
be kind enough to tell me
how to go about
making out a will?
Oh, Jake, I... I think you
ought to see a lawyer about that.
Mm?
Oh, look, you...
you're gonna stop over
and see Ira Minton about
the water agreement.
Why don't you ask him?
Hey, maybe you got
an idea there, Ben.
As long as I'm seeing Ira
about these here papers,
why don't he just add
the will-making to the bill?
All right, Jake, if that's
the way you want it.
It's a right smart thought
you had there, Ben.
I'm much obliged.
Uh, here, let me help you up.
Let me alone. I-I'm all right.
Jake?
Jake?
Let's get him in the house, Pa.
- Yeah.
- No, no. No... no time for that, Hoss.
There's no time for nothing now,
not even... making
out my... my will.
Oh, you're gonna
be all right, Jake.
The-the heat got to
you a little bit, that's all.
No, no.
Feels like my...
head's split wide open.
Ben. Ben.
- I'm right here, Jake.
- Oh.
I want everything I got
to go to my... next of kin.
All right.
Well, will you...
will you see to it?
I-I-I... I give you my word.
Jake, you'll be all right.
Oh, thanks. I'm
much obliged to you.
Jake... who's your next of kin?
Jake?
Who is your next of kin?
Meredith Smith.
Did you say "Meredith Smith"?
Yeah, that's right.
Ben... see to it.
Meredith Smith gets...
everything I... got.
♪♪
Ira, you can't be serious.
I was never more
serious in my life.
According to these, I judge that
Jake Smith's holdings amount
to well over $160,000.
$160,000?!
Well, this is his title
to acreage in Texas.
These are shares in a thriving
copper mine in Montana.
And this is part interest...
A generous part interest...
In a freight line running out
of Oklahoma into New Mexico.
Yes, I'd say that Jake
did all right by himself
in his short 92 years.
When I think of the steaks I fed
that man over the past 15 years.
You know, maybe that's why
he was able to accumulate
as much as he did.
True, true. Uh, uh, what do
I do with those papers, Ira?
Well, since you're the
executor of the estate...
No... Wait a minute.
Who says I'm the
executor of his estate?
Well, he appointed you
with his dying breath.
Both your sons were witnesses.
That makes you the executor,
whether you like it or not.
Well, I don't like it.
Well, nevertheless,
that's the law.
Now, your first job is to
find old Jake's heir or heirs.
He did name one, didn't he?
Yeah. Meredith Smith,
whoever that may be.
Well, then, go find
Meredith Smith.
Well, wait a minute!
How do I go about doing that?
Well, the simplest
way is to advertise.
Put notices in all the legal
columns of every newspaper.
- Oh.
- You've got six months.
Six months. Uh, uh,
oh, why-why six months?
It's the law.
It's designed to
protect the estate
against any false claims
made by possible debtors.
Oh, I see, sure.
Uh, I'll bill you for
all this, of course.
Of course.
Still nothing, huh?
Nothing. For six
months, nothing.
Nobody's even made a
claim against the estate.
Pa, I wonder why
that Meredith Smith
hasn't answered the
notice you put in the paper.
Oh, I've been wondering
that for six months.
Well, at least we
got till tomorrow.
Sure. And after that,
everything reverts back
to the territory of Nevada,
including the water rights.
Well, we've got to have water.
Hey, what about that creek
over on the Harris place?
I've talked to
Mr. Harris about that.
Water there is so low, he
hasn't any to spare for us.
Guess we'll just have to
hope Meredith Smith shows up.
That's a pretty
hopeless thought, isn't it?
That's him coming down
the street there with his son.
Much obliged, sir.
Mr. Ben Cartwright.
- That's right.
- I'm Meredith Smith.
Well... well, it sure is good
to meet you, Mr. Smith.
Uh, uh, this is my son Joseph.
Joseph, this is Meredith Smith.
- How do you do?
- We've been waiting to meet you. Meet...
- How are you?
- You've come to claim Jake's estate?
Yes, sir, I did.
Poor Uncle Jake.
Jake was your uncle?
Yes, sir, he was, and as
fine a man as ever lived.
Did he leave much?
Oh, he left a tidy sum.
As a matter of fact,
uh, I guess you'll be able
to get along all right if you
don't chew too much tobacco.
Uh, uh, how is that, sir?
Oh, I... I was just
trying to make a joke.
Uh, oh, no, he left
a goodly amount.
Of course, as you know by
my advertisement in the paper,
you can't claim it
until after tomorrow.
Oh, yes, sir, I-I read
that piece in the paper,
but, uh, how come I
can't get it till tomorrow?
Oh, it's just a
technicality, you see.
Just a technicality.
See, we have to
wait a full six months
just to make sure there
aren't any creditors claims.
- I see.
- Tomorrow's the last day.
Yeah.
Uh, Mr. Smith, why don't
you go over to that hotel there?
It's a very fine place.
You just rent yourself a room
and charge it to my account.
Well, that's very nice
of you, Mr. Cartwright.
I'll be there when you need me.
Well, it's sure good to see you,
Mr. Smith. Sure good to see you.
Looking forward to it.
That was awful nice of you,
taking care of
the room like that.
Well, son, a little
politicking doesn't hurt.
He owns the water rights.
Whoa.
Yep.
Where can I find
Mr. Ben Cartwright?
Uh, Mr. Ben Cartwright?
Ma'am.
I am glad to meet you.
I'm Meredith Smith.
Did you say "Meredith Smith"?
Well, I'd say it's
an improvement.
Ma'am, this is, uh...
this is my son Joseph.
Miss... Miss Smith.
How do you do?
It's my pleasure, ma'am.
Uh, well, let me... let me
take your suitcase, Miss Smith.
And, uh, Joseph, I'll take
Miss Smith over to the hotel
and get her settled, and I'll...
I'll meet you later
at the saloon.
Sure you don't want
me to help you, Pa?
No, I'm... fine.
Oh.
Mm, mm!
Potts, this, uh...
young lady would like
a room in your hotel.
Certainly, Mr. Cartwright.
Meredith Smith?
But that big cowboy...
Uh, uh, Mr. Potts, uh...
Just make sure
that this young lady
has one of your best
rooms. She's my guest.
Anything you say,
Mr. Cartwright.
Thank you, Mr. Cartwright.
It's a pleasure, Miss Smith.
What do you think, Pa?
Well, obviously, one
of them is a fraud.
Question is, which one?
Yeah. You know, I
hope it's not the girl.
She's pretty good-looking.
What?
Oh, nothing. I just got a hunch.
- You don't suppose...
- No.
Don't say it. I think
you may be right.
Mr. Ben Cartwright?
Mr. Meredith Smith.
Well, how did you know that?
Oh, we've, uh,
been expecting you.
Oh.
Well, I'm afraid
the Smith estate
won't be settled until
sometime tomorrow.
Well, I'm in no
hurry, Mr. Cartwright.
Oh, well, that's good. Uh,
you'll find that the, uh, hotel
at the corner is a
very nice place to stay.
You just tell the clerk
that you're my guest.
Well, thank you very much.
Until tomorrow, then.
Until tomorrow.
Pa, you'll never guess in
your whole life who this is.
Meredith Smith.
Yeah.
Yeah. How'd you know that?
Oh, Pa's very quick to catch on.
Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Smith.
It's a pleasure to meet
you, Mr. Cartwright.
I, uh... I presume you've
come about the estate?
Oh, yes.
Well, it'll take a day or two
before everything can
be straightened out.
Oh, I understand.
Legal matters have a way
of getting complicated.
Yeah, I didn't realize
how much until now. Uh...
Well, uh...
I guess you two boys have
plenty to keep you busy.
I'll take Mr. Smith
over to the hotel
and get him straightened out.
Come along, Mr. Smith.
Hey, Joe, what's going
on around here, anyhow?
Hoss, if I told you,
you wouldn't believe it.
Look here, Mr. Cartwright,
just what do you
think you're doing?
Well, for one thing, I'm
creating a small boom
in the hotel business
all by myself.
Now, Mr. Smith is gonna
register as my guest in this hotel.
So just give him a pen.
That's fine.
- Excuse me...
- Oh, there you are.
Uh, I'd like you to meet
my pa, Ben Cartwright.
- Oh. -Ma'am.
- Mrs. Smith.
Yeah, Mrs. Smith just came
in on the California stage.
Mrs. Meredith Smith?
Yes. It was so thoughtful
of you to send your son
to meet me.
Yes, he's a... great help.
Where's your, uh...
where's your brother Hoss?
Oh, he went back
to the Ponderosa.
I...
He told me to remind you
we still have a ranch to run.
Yes, I hope so. Yes. Uh...
Well, Mrs. Smith, uh...
would you like to register?
Mr. Potts.
This lady is going to register
here as my guest in this hotel.
Can I have a beer, Cosmo?
Yeah, make it two.
Thing has really turned
into a problem, hasn't it?
Yeah.
I think we deserve a beer.
You know, I was
just thinking, though...
All right, suppose Jake's land
goes to the territory of Nevada.
Now, why can't we get
the water rights from them?
Oh, I wish it were that easy.
If the land goes back to
the territory of Nevada,
it goes up for auction.
Everybody knows we
want the water rights,
so the price goes sky-high.
We've got to find the rightful
heir before the time is up.
Drink hearty.
Mm. What's brother
Hoss doing back in town?
Hoss, what are you
doing back here?
Well, while on the way to
the Ponderosa a while ago,
I ran into a feller
looking for you.
Oh, what'd he want?
Well, he... says his
name's Meredith Smith.
- Oh...
- Another one?
Yep.
Well, where is he?
Well, he's sort of bashful.
He's standing over
here at the door.
Keep your fingers crossed.
Mr. Smith, this is my
pa, Ben Cartwright.
Meredith Smith,
most honorable sir.
And I'm telling you, the
whole idea's preposterous.
Not at all. I'm
Mr. Cartwright's guest, ain't I?
Excuse me, uh, Mr. Potts.
Uh, what seems
to be the trouble?
This gentleman here
wishes me to pay
for his barbershop services
and put it on your bill.
Oh, uh...
Well, after all, the
gentleman is my guest.
Much obliged.
Oh, uh... Uh,
don't forget to tip.
I'm a big tipper.
Big tipper.
Big show-off, if you ask me.
Here you go.
Now, just how much of this
do you intend to stand for?
Oh, well, Mr. Potts, I... Oops.
Oh, good morning,
Mr. Cartwright.
Huh.
I've had so much fun
just buying a few things.
My, Virginia City has quite
a nice collection of shops
- for a town this size.
- Ye-Yes, it has a...
Oh, I... I charged
'em to my hotel bill.
You don't mind, do you?
Oh, no, no, of course not.
An heiress can't be
expected to wear just anything.
Oh, well, uh... you're
absolutely right.
It's very pretty.
Oh, of course I'll reimburse
you when the estate is settled.
Oh, of course.
You are a dear.
An absolute dear!
Thank you.
Just add these to
the others, Mr. Potts.
Anything you say,
Mr. Cartwright,
but I must say... Don't.
Good morning, Mr. Cartwright.
Lovely day, isn't it?
Yes, it, uh...
it's a lovely day.
I've been out
buying a few things,
and since I'm a
little short of cash...
Just until the estate
is settled, of course...
Of course.
I thought that, uh...
You, uh, might want to
charge these to your hotel bill.
Yes. How did you know?
Oh... I just sort of guessed.
It isn't very much, really:
a few bottles of
Dr. Wisdom's Wonder Tonic,
five pounds of cloves
and a few fresh coffee beans.
You see, I'm bothered
with a little stomach trouble.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that,
Mrs. Smith, I really am.
Well, ta-ta.
I have a lot to take care of.
Just thinking
about all that money
is giving me a
case of indigestion.
Ah...
Five pounds of cloves?
Better prepare
yourself, Mr. Cartwright.
Ah, present for Mr. Cartwright.
Thank you, honorable sir.
Oh... You're welcome.
Well, what did I buy?
Eight pounds lychee nuts,
six stuffed water lilies,
ginger-powdered
coconut, seven jellyfish
and a dried squid.
No shark fin?
Callie!
Don't call me "Callie."
Well, all right.
If I don't call you Callie,
what do I call you?
I don't want you
to call me anything.
I don't want you to
even speak to me.
Now, look, what
are you doing here?
I'd say that wasn't
any of your business.
I asked you to stay in Abilene.
I told you I'd be back for you
as soon as I had enough
money for us to get married.
Now, why didn't you wait for me?
I got tired of waitin'.
Honey, you know I love you.
Well, you said that before, too.
Now, why should
I believe you now?
- Let me go.
- Not until you tell me
what you're doing here.
Callie!
Callie!
Oh. Oh, oh, my goodness.
Uh, I-I thought this
was, uh, my room.
Oh, that's all right, dearie.
- But you're not...
- Come right on in.
You must think... Oh, dear.
Oh, I never could tell one
hall door from another myself.
Set a spell.
Uh... thank you. Uh...
I, uh... don't
believe I'd better.
You going somewhere?
Uh, no.
A-As a matter of
fact, I just came in.
I-I-I've got a dreadful
headache, and, uh...
I went out to get
something for it.
Oh, then you should've
come here in the first place.
Well...
I got just the thing for you.
Just the thing for me?
Here you are.
Take a good, long swallow.
Uh...
Uh, "Dr. Wisdom's Wonder Tonic"?
You'll wonder how you
ever got along without it.
Mm-hmm.
I'm a bit cautious
about taking strange medicine.
Oh... so am I.
But you don't need to
worry about this one.
As a matter of fact,
I feel a little headache
coming on myself.
I'll take one with you.
Mmm!
Ooh.
That wasn't so bad, was it?
It's... it-it's
warming, isn't it?
You noticed that?
Mm-hmm.
It's the sure sign
of a quick cure.
Mm-hmm.
Reckon I ought to
have another one,
just to keep you company.
Uh, Mrs. Smith...
you're a kind, thoughtful woman.
Oh. It's sweet of you to say so.
Oh.
It is warming.
It's very nice of you
to share it with me.
It's the least I
can do for a friend.
You... consider me a friend?
Certainly.
Well... I don't usually
make friends easily.
An interesting man like you.
I never would have known it.
In fact, at times,
I get quite lonely.
Being a widow's lonely, too.
Are you feeling better?
- Considerably.
- Oh.
Do you suppose
that I need another?
You oughtn't to take a chance.
Well, I'm...
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
- Oh?
- Ladies first.
Oh.
All right.
Mm, mm, mm.
Mmm!
That was a good one.
Do you want another one?
- Oh!
- Come on.
- No. Oh, no.
- Come on.
Wait, Callie.
Now what?
I just found out what
you're doing here.
I'm doing the same
thing you're doing.
No, with me, it's different.
Sure it is.
You want to get rid
of everybody else
so you can have
it all for yourself.
Callie, you're gonna get
yourself in a lot of trouble.
You're trying to scare me off
so your chances will be better.
That's what it boils
down to, isn't it?
Callie, you know
I'm in love with you.
And I just can't
stand the thought
of you ending up
behind prison bars.
Now, what do I have
to say to convince you
that you're making
a terrible mistake?
There's nothing you can say.
Now, I'm not going
back to that saloon.
And when I get that money,
I'm going to Europe and study
music like I always planned.
Now, if you want better
odds, Mr. Gambler,
you go talk somebody
else into quitting.
Now, when old Jake
died, I promised to see to it
that his heir would,
uh, get all the property
that old Jake left.
Now, up until yesterday,
I didn't have any luck
at all locating an heir.
Now, today, I...
I got more luck than I need.
Explain, please.
Uh, we are all, uh,
Meredith Smiths.
Ah, so... Nice big family.
Now, how do you
account for the fact
that all of you are
named Meredith Smith?
Well, that's a... that's an old
family name, Mr. Cartwright.
Oh, I see.
You know, I had
a... I had a meeting
with Sheriff Coffee
this morning,
and we were going
through some posters,
and just by chance,
you might say,
we came across this poster.
Uh, how do you
account for the fact
that, uh, the name
under this picture of you
is, uh, "John Swanson,"
also known as
"Snake Oil Swanson"?
One of the slickest
con men in the West.
Well, you'll... you-you
notice, Mr. Cartwright,
that, uh... that poster
doesn't say "wanted."
It, uh, uh... it says "warning."
Well, that's true.
But a charge of attempted
fraud can change the wording.
Well... well, let's...
let's not be hasty about this.
Let's, uh, just say that I
made an error in judgment,
and, uh...
why don't we forget
the whole thing?
Well, all right, I
don't mind that.
On one condition...
That you leave Virginia
City immediately.
Of course.
Pity. We might have
made a lovely family.
Ladies and
gentlemen, I think, uh...
I think I ought to
tell you that, uh,
attempted fraud,
or fraud of any kind,
is a crime punishable by law.
Now, is there anybody
else that might like
to confess to an
error in judgment?
Hmm. Very well, then.
I guess the next thing
we ought to do is, uh,
find out what kin
you all were to Jake,
uh, and what you
have to prove it.
And we'll start with,
uh... we'll start with you.
Well, uh... Well, uh, uh...
Here is, uh, my family Bible,
uh, with, uh... uh, my
name. Uh... Mm-hmm.
Oh, and-and, uh, date of birth.
Yeah. Uh, now,
wh-where were you born?
- Connecticut.
- Connecticut.
And, uh, what relationship
did you have with Jake?
Uh... oh, um... Well, oh.
Oh, oh.
Would-would you
repeat the question?
Well, what-what-what
kin were you of Jake's?
Uh... I-I don't know.
You don't know?
We never lived in...
near any of our relatives.
Oh, I-I... I see. Thank you.
- Thank you.
- All right.
Oh, I... I beg your pardon.
Miss Smith?
He was my grandpa.
But I never expected to
have my word doubted.
Well, just trying to get
things straight, Miss Smith.
Mr. Smith?
I was his grandson.
But I'm afraid you'll just
have to take my word for it.
Mm-hmm.
Mrs. Smith?
Here's my marriage
certificate, Mr. Cartwright.
He was a fine man.
Yes.
Well, I guess that,
uh, leaves you.
I son.
His son?!
- Adopted son.
- Oh.
Papers say so.
Oh.
Well, it's in Chinese.
Why not? I Chinese.
Oh.
Yes, thank you, thank
you, thank you very much.
Uh, well, thank you very
much, ladies and gentlemen.
I'll take everything
that you've, uh,
told me into consideration.
And I'll be in
touch with all of you
just as soon as I
possibly can be.
Thank you.
Well, I think that we
should talk this over.
There's nothing to talk about.
I stand pat.
I have nothing to lose.
Uh, neither have I.
Same like rest of family.
We'll return to tonight's
story of Bonanza
in a moment.
And now the exciting
conclusion of tonight's story.
Good morning, Ching Liu.
- Morning, Mr. Cartwright.
- Morning.
Not shirt day.
Tuesday shirt day.
Oh, oh, I-I didn't forget.
That's not why I came in.
Uh, you can read
Chinese, can't you?
Yes, but not all
ancient scholars.
Well, I don't think this was
written by an ancient scholar.
- It's a legal document.
- What I do?!
Well, you didn't do anything.
I just want you to read it.
Oh. Better.
More better.
Not have glasses.
Yeah, need glasses.
You see them?
No, but, well, I'll help
you look for them.
Don't seem to be around.
Crazy woman all the time
clean and hide glasses!
Where's my glasses?!
- I find.
- Oh.
You no have to yell.
Crazy woman yell all the time.
Ah.
Ooh.
That's a pretty legal
document, isn't it?
Pretty legal, official.
Oh, "official."
Well, what does it say?
License to hunt snakes.
Ay-ya!
Morning, Cal.
Well, hi, Ben.
What can I do for you?
Well, I was hoping you'd be able
to tell me something
about this paper.
Well, I'll do the best I can.
Eh, just a minute while I
get my magnifying glass.
Huh.
Where'd that fool thing go?
I had it just a minute ago.
Cal?
Try your pocket.
- Pocket?
- Yeah.
No, no.
Now, how did you know?
Figured.
Now, where's the paper?
Well...
Oh.
Eh, Meredith Crane
and Jacob Smith.
Now, does this belong to that
woman that's been claiming
- she's old Jake's widow?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I was hoping
you might be able
to clear the matter up for me.
Well, maybe we can.
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
Well, what-what-what is it?
They're watermarks, watermarks.
Now, hold it up to the light.
Yeah, there up in
the left-hand corner.
Yeah, what about it?
Well, it means that 20 years ago
when this certificate was dated,
that paper manufacturing
company wasn't even in business!
Is that a fact?
Yeah.
Is that a fact?
Come here.
- Hey, what about this Bible?
- Huh?
That's hard to say.
Seems real enough.
Look at it through the glass.
Any way you can be sure?
Well, I reckon I can
compare the paper
in this Bible with an
old one I have at home.
Oh, I'd appreciate that.
- Would you do that, Cal?
- Of course, Ben!
Anything I can do to help.
Thank you, Cal.
I think I know of a grieving
widow who may need some help.
Hmm?
Well, now, Mrs. Smith?
Mm.
Mr. Smith?
Well, now.
Jake Smith was a very lucky man.
Who?
Uh, your husband.
I haven't got a husband.
Uh, uh, when he
was alive, I mean.
Who?
Uh, uh, your husband.
I just told you.
I never had a husband.
Well, aren't you a widow?
Certainly I'm a widow.
But I'm afraid I
don't understand.
Nothing complicated about it.
Widowing's my business.
Your business?
Yes, you dear, sweet little man.
Have another clove.
Oh.
- You see...
- Mmm.
When I hear somebody's
looking for an heir...
- Mm-hmm.
- I show up as the widow.
Mm-hmm.
You do?
Oh.
Why?
Don't you see?
If nobody else shows up,
then I inherit the boodle.
Oh, my goodness.
Uh, isn't that wrong?
Of course not, you
dear, sweet little man.
Look at the trouble
I save everybody.
They can all stop looking
and have peace of mind.
And, of course, I always see
that the money
is put to good use.
Why, just oodles of people
sleep better nights
because of me.
That is the most noble,
humanitarian thing I ever heard
in my whole life.
You are... absolutely...
the most... thoughtful...
wonderful person...
I've ever met
in my whole life.
Oh, you sweet,
adorable little man.
Oh... I can't understand
how no woman ever
claimed you for a husband.
Uh... may I have another clove?
Mr. Smith...
Miss Smith.
Coochie-coochie-coo.
Ah...
Oh.
Come along.
Now, sit down right
here, young man.
Now...
what is your name?
- Meredith.
- No, no, no, no, no.
What is your real name?
Your Chinese name?
Ah.
Ah Chow.
Ach... what?
Ah Chow, like...
Uh, no, never mind. Now, look.
Ah Chow, I had a friend of mine
read this paper
which you gave me.
I don't think you should expect
to inherit anything from
the Jake Smith estate.
Ah, so.
Aren't you disappointed?
Is that all you have to say?
Confucius say, "Win
some, lose some."
You have wife, honorable sir?
Well, no, but what
has that got to do
with what we're talking about?
Ah Chow number one houseboy.
Oh, well, Ah Chow, I
don't need a houseboy.
Cook, clean, sew button...
Look, I said I don't need one.
How you know till you try?
Have references.
Well... Oh... Ah Chow,
they're in Chinese.
Why not? I Chinese.
Number one references.
Oh, Potts.
Good afternoon, Mr. Cartwright.
Uh... Potts, I'd like
you to do me a favor.
Certainly.
Is Miss Meredith Smith in?
As far as I know. I
didn't see her go out.
Uh, would you, uh, tell her
to come down to the lobby?
I'd like to talk to her.
I don't have to tell her.
Here she comes now.
Now, remember,
all you have to do
is just look at her and
see if you recognize her.
All right, Mr. Cartwright.
Oh, Miss Smith!
Oh, hello, Mr. Cartwright.
- Hi.
- How are you today?
Oh, just fine.
Uh, Miss Smith, I'd like
you to meet Mr. Ozzie Flynn.
From Abilene.
Well, that's where
you're from, isn't it?
Oh, sure, I know
her, Mr. Cartwright.
That's Callie Martin.
Used to sing at the
Red Dog Saloon.
Howdy, honey.
Callie, this was
bound to happen.
- You let me go.
- Not yet.
Are you sure you've
not made any mistake?
Oh, no. Not in a million
years, Mr. Cartwright.
That's her, all right.
And-and I know
that feller she's with.
He's a gambler named
Ace-in-the-Hole Jones.
You dirty skunk,
will you let me go!
Ooh!
Mr. Cartwright, i-i-if you
don't need me no more,
I-I-I'd just as lief go
while I'm still able.
You go ahead. Thank you, Ozzie.
Thank you for your help.
Uh, from now on, I
don't know nobody.
Oh, what are you gonna do now?
Try and swindle somebody else?
Callie, I'm no swindler.
You know better than that.
Now, what do I have
to do to convince you?
Ah Chow, what are you doing?
I number one bellboy, too.
Bellboy?
Yes.
Business has been so good
lately, I had to put on help.
I have job now.
Make plenty money.
I can now stay America.
No need go back Hong Kong.
Mr. Cartwright?
Yes, Mrs. Smith?
I am leaving immediately.
Does that mean that you're...
relinquishing your claim
to the Jake Smith estate?
It does.
Mr. Smith here and I
have just been united in
the holy bonds of matrimony,
and I have no intention of
working on my honeymoon.
Working on...
Well, congratulations
to both of you. I...
Uh... Mr. Smith,
are you leaving, too?
Ah, with my beautiful bride.
Well, I... You
know, this-this Bible,
it's authentic.
Of course.
May I have my Bible, please?
Well, yes, of course.
As a matter of fact...
I knew all along I was
not related to Jake Smith.
Now I can retire
and let you go on
snatching the boodle.
What?
Let's get out of here
while the getting's good.
Yes, you marvelous,
wonderful man!
Well, I hope they'll be
very happy with each other.
That leaves me with
two discredited heirs.
No, only one.
You see, old Jake Smith
really was my grandfather.
Ah.
You know that ranch
he would never leave?
Well, it was located on the
south bank of Willow Creek.
Yeah, well, anybody
could've found that out.
You're a hard man to
convince, Mr. Cartwright.
Well, let me see.
Oh, I remember something
about a copper mine
that he owned in... Idaho.
Oh.
No. Montana.
And when I was a little guy,
I took a ride from Oklahoma City
to New Mexico on a freight
line that he was part owner in.
And the last time I saw him,
he was just getting
ready to buy some land
to run cattle on down in Texas.
Yeah.
Oh. One more thing.
He could put away more
steak than any man I ever met.
That does it.
By golly, you are the fella.
Meredith Smith,
I-I've been looking
for you for six months.
And I'm gonna turn that
estate over to you right now.
Thank you, Mr. Cartwright.
Then you really
are... Yes, I really am.
Callie... you wouldn't
want me to live
on that big ranch
all alone, would you?
My name's Betsy.
Betsy Hackenbush.
Mine's Jake, honey.
Jake Smith, just
like my grandfather's.
My middle name was Meredith.
I don't think I'll have any
trouble remembering that name.
One more thing.
You know, I just can't see you
moving off to Europe
to study music.
Well, then, I'll
just have to settle
for a piano in the parlor.
Mmm.
My, that was good.
Sure was.
Well, I'm sure glad
that you enjoyed it.
Well, why don't we mix a
little business with pleasure?
I have the water agreement
here all ready to sign,
if you'd like to read it.
Oh, yes.
Well, I'm sure that's
in order, Mr. Cartwright.
Oh, not so fast, dear.
We did say I was going
to handle the money.
I meant the household money.
I meant all the money.
Well, it's very obvious,
Mr. Cartwright, that, uh,
my husband's grandfather
was very lenient with you.
Well, what do you mean?
Now, honey,
please... Shh, darling.
You know very well that you
need that water desperately.
Oh, is that, uh...
is that what you
think, Mrs. Smith?
Oh, no, it's not what I think.
It's what I know.
Now, I figure a 25% increase,
per month, to be
added to the total
until a 12-month
period is ended.
Um, Mrs. Smith, uh...
I think perhaps you
ought to know that, uh...
Mr. Crawford was
by here yesterday.
Mr. Crawford's a
neighbor of ours.
He owns the ranch about
20 miles away from here.
He has a big, gushing
stream of water
running along his land,
and he offered to supply us
with all the water we
could possibly need here.
So maybe we'd just better
forget about this
contract completely.
Well, let's not be hasty, now.
A deal's a deal.
Well, it...
There are your water
rights, Mr. Cartwright.
Say good-bye to the
Cartwrights, honey,
and, uh, thank Mr. Cartwright
for his generous hospitality.
- Thank you, Mr. Cartwright.
- Thank you.
Nice to see you. Thank
you for dropping by.
Bye.
Pa...
did Mr. Crawford offer you
that water, sure enough?
Well, it seems to me I
went by Crawford's place,
uh, not too many days ago... I
think it was last Wednesday...
And that gushing, bubbling
stream was dry as a bone.
Oh.
Well, I'll tell you, son, uh...
see, when you play
poker with a gambler,
or with his wife,
sometimes a... a bluff
comes in mighty handy.
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