Bonanza (1959–1973): Season 7, Episode 22 - Three Brides for Hoss - full transcript
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Well, now, Hoss,
what would be wrong with
covering this splendid structure
with a lovely coat
of green, may I ask?
That'd sure be something to see,
all right, Jester...
A green barn.
Well, then, if we agree,
why don't I take all of
this hideous red stuff
back to the store
and exchange it?
Well, for two very good reasons:
Number one, I don't want to
scare the animals half to death,
and number two, I'm
halfway finished now.
Well, it goes against
me better judgment,
but I'll see it through.
It's mighty fine of you, Hoss,
to let me earn a few
extra dollars this way
for my little Jenny.
Well, it'll help pay
some of the doctor's
bills, anyhow, won't it?
Aye, it sure will.
You're a saint,
Hoss; a true saint.
What with your assistance,
plus delivering for the store
and handling the mail,
I can just about make ends meet.
Speaking of the mail, have
you delivered it to Pa yet?
Oh, no, no! I forgot it again.
It's in me back
pocket. Oh, I was...
Well, dad-burnit, you'd
better get it in there.
He's gonna have a hissy.
- This is the third time this week.
- Yeah, I know.
- And on the way...
- Yeah?
Go through the kitchen...
Ol' Hop Sing's got
a great big apple
cobbler in there for Jenny.
Oh, thank you. Thank you, Hoss!
- Here. Here you are.
- Yeah.
Ho!
Oh.
Well, howdy!
Here.
Here we go, Annie.
- Thanks. Ooh.
- There we are.
Whoo-whee!
I sure do like this
place, don't you, boys?
We sure do, Annie.
- Howdy.
- Howdy.
Uh, anything we can do for you?
Well, I'm lookin'
for Hoss Cartwright.
Oh. Is he expecting you?
Oh, he sure is expecting me.
I'm Annie Slocum.
How d'you do?
And these are my brothers,
Brother Jed and Brother Ned.
- Oh.
- Howdy.
- Mr. Slocum.
- How are you?
It's a marriage.
Uh, I'm Ben Cartwright.
This is my son Joseph.
Uh, where is your brother?
Uh, last time I saw him,
- he was painting the barn.
- Oh.
Oh-oh, there... uh, Hoss!
There you are!
Ooh, whoo-whee.
Handsome as
handsome, ain't he, boys?
He don't look too bad, Annie.
He's even
better-looking in person.
Uh, Hoss, these people
have come to see you.
I'm Annie, Sugarplum.
These here's my
brothers, Jed and Ned.
- Well, say howdy, boys.
- Howdy.
Howdy. Howdy.
Howdy.
Uh... is there something
I can do for you?
Something he can do for you?
He's a real funny
galoot, ain't he, Annie?
Well, sure is.
Seein' how's I come
all the way from Kentuck
just to get hitched to him.
Well, I'm right in the
middle of paintin'...
Hitched?!
Well, I think might be a
good idea if we just sat down
and made ourselves comfortable.
- Ah. Why, thank you.
- We'll talk this over in...
- Boy!
- Talk this over in a, uh...
Uh, would mind taking
your feet of the table, please?
Thank you.
I...
Would you like a cold
drink of some sort?
- Oh, that'd taste right fine.
- Yeah. -
Thank you.
Joseph, would you get
the lemonade, please?
- Yes, sir.
- I'll get it. -Never mind.
You just stay right
where you are.
Joseph will get the lemonade.
Whoo-whee!
My, this is a purty house.
Aw, Sugarplum,
is this the honeymoon
nest you wrote me about?
- "Sugarplum"?
- Now look here, ma'am,
I ain't never wrote you
nothin' about nothin'!
There's been
some sort of mistake
somewhere along the line.
Well, of course you wrote her.
Sis saved all them letters.
Oh, uh, you, uh...
you have some letters?
I certainly have.
Right there in
that traveling bag.
Uh... I'd like to
see those, if I may.
Them's private, 'tween
Sugarplum and me.
Ain't no stranger
gonna see those letters.
This ain't no stranger.
This here's my pa.
'Pears to me like
somebody's trying to weasel
their way out of something.
After we spent every last
cent we got a-gettin' out here.
I'd say we've been slickered.
Now wait just a minute!
Now, first of all, put
those guns down.
Now just, just set 'em down.
- Yeah, all right, boys.
- Now, you've been saying
some things here about my son...
Joseph, would you
get the lemonade?
Oh. The lemonade. Yeah.
Now, I hope you can back up
those statements
you've been making.
Oh, that Hoss.
Oh...
Jester, since when have you
been taking to stealing pies?
Oh, no! No, Little Joe.
This is me own apple cobbler
that Hop Sing made for my
little Jenny, bless her heart.
Oh... Sure, then why are you
sneakin' around
here like a little elf?
Sure, and that would be me
own business, Mr. Cartwright.
I told you,
I saw his advertisement
in the matrimony paper,
where he asked that any widow
who wanted to get
married to write him.
Ma'am, I ain't never
advertised in nothing!
Ain't that right, Pa?
Oh, Sugarplum, how could you?
Oh, ma'am... Miss...
Miss Annie, don't...
Oh...!
You can see for yourself.
In this one, he asked
me to marry him.
A-And in this one,
he sent me his picture.
And in this one,
he tells me he's a rich rancher
and the Ponderosa is gonna
be our honeymoon cottage.
It sure does look like Hoss
with that prize hog of his.
Mmm.
But Pa, that ain't even...
that ain't even my handwritin'.
And I guess you're gonna tell me
that that ain't no picture of
you huggin' that hog, neither.
Oh, Sugarplum...
I never thought you
could do this to me.
They ain't nobody
gonna jilt our little Annie
and get away with it.
Well?
What are we gonna do
with this here Blackbeard?
Uh, Blue... Bluebeard.
I don't care what
color his whiskers is.
They's gonna be a
wedding just like we planned,
or somebody's gonna get...
sued from here to kingdom come.
There's laws against
jiltin' helpless widows.
Dad-burnit, wait a minute!
- Somebody get the door.
- There'll be a weddin'
- just like we planned.
- Answer the door.
Right! You betcha there's
gonna be a weddin'...
Somebody answer the door!
- Somebody answer the door!
- But...
Excuse me. I'll do it myself.
Oh. Yes, ma'am?
Pardon, monsieur.
Perhaps I was
misinformed in the village.
Is this not the
chateau of, uh...
Poopsie!
Oh, mon chéri!
Oh! You shut up, you.
Get your paws off my man,
you feather-bound Jezebel!
Insolent peasant.
- How dare you insult Yvette?
- Oh!
Go back to your housework.
Housework?!
Ladies!
- Ladies!
- I'll show you
some housework, you, you,
you over-painted, pie-faced,
calculatin'... I... get...
La-Ladies, ladies,
ladies, ladies.
Ladies, ladies, dignity,
dignity, dignity,
dignity, please.
Lemonade?
Oh!
I tell you, Hoss, according
to Lawyer Minton,
both those ladies got a
good case against you,
if they decide to
take you into court.
According to the evidence,
all supports their story.
You know, from the point
of view of the legalities
and the standpoint of a jury,
they got a good
case against you.
So then... so 'bout
the only chance I gots
is to find the yahoo
that really wrote them
dad-burned letters, ain't it?
That's about it, Hoss.
Well, I better get inside
and order all this stuff
our guests wanted.
- Quite a list, huh?
- Yeah.
Uh, look, Pa, maybe
I'll see you after a while.
I... I think I'll go
over at the saloon
- and get me a bunch of beer.
- Oh, no, no.
I know exactly what
you're gonna do.
You're going to the Ponderosa
to make sure those two females
don't tear that place
apart room by room.
- Now move. - But... Get going.
"Poopsie."
Hi, Bob.
- Hello, Matt.
- Howdy, Ben.
What can I do for you?
Hey, Matt...
you wouldn't have
any truffles, would you?
Well, Ben, I got
all kinds of troubles.
No, not troubles, Matt.
I got plenty of those myself.
No, truffles.
Truffles.
Truffles?
Yeah, they're...
something you eat.
Never heard of 'em.
What are they like?
Well, uh,
they're... it's a, uh...
Well, never mind.
How 'bout escargot?
Escar-what?
Escargot.
Well, that's French or "snails."
Now I know you're joking.
No, I wish I was.
I got a houseful of people
at the Ponderosa, staying...
Yeah, news travels fast, Ben.
Yeah, bad news.
Well, anyway, one of 'em's
a young French woman.
These truffles and
snails, that was her idea.
Trying to get at a man
through his stomach.
You ain't sayin' Hoss is
gonna eat snails, are you, Ben?
Well, you can't
insult your guests.
Under those conditions,
I'd be willing to try.
Yeah, wouldn't blame you.
What am I... oh, listen, I've
been meaning to ask you.
Uh, you handle all the mail
that comes through
here, don't you?
Most of the time.
Or sometimes Jester does.
Oh.
Uh, well, do you remember
any mail going through here
with, uh, these names on it?
Like, uh... Yvette
Devereaux, New Orleans?
- No.
- No.
How about Annie
Slocum, Kentucky?
Don't guess I do.
Wouldn't be likely to
forget them names, either.
No, I guess not.
Well, I'll, uh, I'll talk
to Jester about 'em.
He didn't come to work today.
Uh, Jenny's sick again.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
I guess Jester'd be
at the house, huh?
Well, less'n he's out
scrounging himself up
some other work
somewheres, on my time.
Thinks I don't know about
it, that Killarney road bandit.
Well, good luck to Hoss,
and may the best gal win.
Oh, don't say that too loudly.
Hey, listen, uh...
you, uh, make out
the rest of that list,
all except them
truffles and snails.
I'll be back in a little while.
All right, Ben.
Snails.
- I - don't want any more
of your smelly old medicine!
Jenny, darling, please.
The doctor only
wants to help you!
Don't want no smelly old doctor!
Send him away!
Oh, now, honey, look...
don't make me
break the door down.
She's having an attack, Jester.
I have to get to
her pretty soon.
I don't want no
smelly old doctor!
Send him away!
Well, Jester, I guess that's it.
No use hanging around,
since Jenny's not
gonna open that door.
I'll be going now.
Yes, Doctor.
Good-bye!
And a good-bye to you, Doctor.
Is he gone?
- Well...
- Let me go!
- Come on, now, Jenny.
- I won't hurt you one bit.
- I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
- Come on, now,
- Into bed you go.
- Get her in there
- before she has another attack.
- Into bed you go, there!
- Now, this good...
- Now, Jenny, Jenny, darling,
you're going to take
this good medicine.
- Down it all, now.
- Are you ready, Doctor?
- Oh, I'm ready.
- Oh, and that...
Just remember to give her
a half a teaspoon full of
this every couple of hours.
Ah, that I will, Doctor.
You go to sleep. You sleep.
She'll be all right,
won't she, Doctor?
- For now, Jester.
- Eh...
She's not responding.
In fact, she's succeeding in
making herself even worse
and is developing
signs of asthma,
which could become
really serious in time.
Well, you get her the
best medicines you can.
I'll find the money to
pay for them, somehow.
Jester... you know and I know
that the best medicine for
Jenny would be a mother.
A real mother.
No an imaginary
one, not a memory.
I had a notion... a
dream, a wild dream...
but I never counted
on the fatal charm
of that Hoss Cartwright.
And now it has destroyed
me best-laid plans.
What in the world are
you talking about, Jester?
What's Hoss Cartwright
got to do with you?
There's no earthly
use discussing it.
I've lost me last, me
most desperate bid
for the happiness
of me tiny tot,
me lovely Jenny.
He's poisoned me,
Daddy, he's poisoned me!
I'm dying, Daddy!
- Oh, Jenny, oh, Jenny, now...
- He's given me poison.
Please, now, Jenny.
She's as pixilated
as you are, Jester.
Get that child in bed.
I've gotta go now.
I must be seven
calls behind by now.
Yes, Doctor.
I am dying, Daddy!
- Oh...
- Dying!
He's given me poison!
Oh, Jenny.
I'll be by again tomorrow.
Well, uh, thank
you kindly, Doctor.
Joe.
You gotta help me.
You gotta save me.
That French gal,
she's dangerous.
You know, I don't know what
you got that these women want,
but whatever it is, Hoss, you
ought to bottle it and sell it.
Ooh, Poopsie!
- Joe, you're my brother.
- Hoo-ooh!
- Hoss...
- You gotta help me.
"Ooh!"
Ooh, Poopsie.
Oh, you bad, bad boy.
Hoss!
Oh, Hoss!
Uh-oh.
Why, you painted
pile of French pastry!
I warned you to keep your
hands off my husband-to-be.
Your husband-to-be?
You corn-fed Amazon, you.
"You corn-fed Amazon..."
- You...
- Corn-fed Amazon, eh?
Why... why, I'll
slug you so hard
that sky'll be raining feathers.
Oh!
- En garde, en...-Ah, let
me at her, let me at her,
let me go, let me go!
Excuse me, Poopsie.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
I'm Libby Spencefield.
Libby Spencefield?
Boston, Massachusetts?
Uh, let-let me guess.
You're looking for
Hoss Cartwright.
Yes.
My fiancé.
Oh... what a magnificent house.
Oh...
we should have a
simply glorious wedding.
♪♪
Ah, Jenny, Jenny...
why are you always
doing things like that?
I didn't want that big old
doctor around, Daddy.
I want you to stay
with me always.
Oh, my poor baby.
I've tried being mother
and father to you
and I've failed you in both.
I had a real mommy
once, didn't I, Daddy?
That you did, darlin'.
My mommy...
tell me again about
my mommy, please.
She was the
dearest, loveliest spirit
the good Lord ever
put inside a body.
And I loved her so much.
And so it was she chose me,
that together we could have
a lovely, sweet little girl.
Was that little girl me?
Yes, dear heart.
It was you.
It was you, Jenny.
It was you.
♪♪
Ah! Morning, Doc.
Whoa. How are you, Ben?
How are you?
Been to see Jenny?
Yeah.
Poor child.
I don't know which is worse,
her asthma or her
need for a mother's care.
Yeah. I can't understand
why Jester doesn't
get married again.
Well, I've tried to talk him
into it, Ben, believe me.
- But you know Jester.
- Oh, yes.
Why, just a little while ago,
he was babbling some nonsense
about some wild scheme and...
about Hoss's charm
having destroyed his plans.
W... wait a minute.
What did you say?
He said Hoss's charms
had destroyed his plans?
Yeah.
He said he didn't have a chance
against Hoss's charms.
Guess you didn't know
that you'd spawned
a real charmer, did you, Ben?
No, I sure didn't,
but I'm just
beginning to find out.
So that's what
this is all about.
I swear it must be the weather.
Now you're talking just as
mysterious as Jester himself.
Well, I gotta be off.
- So long.
- Yeah, so long, Doc.
And thanks! Thanks.
Hoss...
Ah, Mr. Cartwright!
Come in, come in.
Well, thank you, Jester.
- It's good to see you.
- Yes.
Oh, say, I just
passed the doctor.
I'm sorry to hear about Jenny.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Cartwright.
She's feeling better.
- Sound asleep.
- Oh, good. Good.
But it's very considerate of
you to come asking about her
- and I thank you for it.
- Not at all.
I'll get you the coffee.
Oh, uh, listen.
I-I came here to see you.
- Huh?
- About some letters.
Letters? What letters would
you be meaning, Mr. Cartwright?
Well, a strange thing.
It seems that somebody's
been forging Hoss's name
- to some letters, and...
- Oh...
having them
postmarked Virginia City.
That's against the law.
A body could
go to jail for that.
- Yes, yes, I'm aware of that.
- Yeah.
You wouldn't, uh, know
anything about them, would you?
Me, Mr. Cartwright?
You see,
you and Matt are the
only two handling the mail,
and, uh, I knew it wasn't Matt,
so I thought perhaps
it might be you.
Now, try to remember something.
- I...
- See, these letters were written
- to two different women.
- Oh.
Now, see if these names
mean anything to you.
Yes. Yes, of course.
Annie Slocum.
Annie Slocum...
- Yes.
- Annie Slocum.
And the other one
is Yvette Devereaux.
Yvette Devereaux, huh?
Now, those names should be
kind of easy to
remember, don't you think?
It's coming back to
me, Mr. Cartwright,
it's coming back to me.
I remember now, it was a
stranger that mailed 'em.
Yes, sir, sure enough.
I'm beginning to see him now.
Flashy-dressed,
with a fancy vest.
I'd say a gambling man.
And he posted those letters.
That's right.
A flashy-dressed gamblin' man.
Well, that explains how
the letters were posted, then.
- So...
- Yes. Yes, it does.
Tell me, what do
you think happened
to the letters that the
ladies sent to Hoss?
- Oh, yes, oh, yes.
- You...
The-the letters the
ladies sent to Hoss.
Yes, you see,
those ladies answered
Hoss's letters.
- Oh, yeah.
- And, uh...
they must have gone
through the post office,
except that, uh, Hoss
never received them.
- Oh, yes, Hoss...
- Whatever happened to them?
What do you think
happened to them, now?
Oh, yes, what happened to them?
Well... Maybe they was lost.
Yeah. Or maybe, uh...
maybe they was stolen.
All of them?
It don't hold water, do it?
Ah, well.
Of course, it-it really...
it really isn't, uh, it
really isn't your fault, is it?
Uh, it's not?
- No, of course not.
- Oh?
You were hired as
a postal employee,
- not as a detective.
- Oh, sure now,
and that's a fact, sir.
Now, you could really
be of great help to me
if you wanted to be.
And how could I be that?
By helping me prove my theory.
Oh, yes!
Eh... what might that be, sir?
It could be... that
Hoss... my son, Hoss...
In an impassioned moment,
wrote those letters.
Ah...!
And then had this
mysterious gambler
mail them for him.
- Aha...
- Or it could be
that Little Joe
wrote those letters
as a joke on Hoss.
- Oh, glory be!
- In either case,
you will help me, won't you?
I certainly will, sir.
How?
By coming to the Ponderosa
and being with my guests...
You'll bring Jenny, of course...
And while you're there...
I'll observe for
suspicious moves.
Exactly. Exactly.
- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
- Now you're thinking, Jester.
Now you're thinking.
I can't tell you how
greatly relieved I am
to find that your
thinking in this matter
so exactly coincides with mine.
Ah, thank you, sir.
Oh... Well, now.
How about that coffee, huh?
Well, now, that's
a wonderful idea.
Ah, there you are, sir.
Nice hot coffee.
I keep it on the
stove all the time.
Yes.
Ah, yes, sir.
Whoa.
I mean, Pa, it's
been like this all day.
Howdy, Poopsie!
Ooh, Hoss, chéri!
Chéri, 'Oss, wait a minute.
Wait for me!
LITTLE JOE "Wait for me!"
Joe, I don't think your
brother's gonna appreciate
- you laughing like that.
- Oh, I can't help it, Pa.
He looks like a young rooster
with a whole flock of pullets.
Hey, Jester, how you doing?
And a good day
to you, Little Joe.
Good... Ooh, and
how's my little Jenny?
You miss me, baby?
Little Joe, Hoss did look funny.
Why was that lady chasing him?
Uh, w-why was the
lady chasing him?
Th-They were playing a little
kind of a game of tag, Jenny.
Hoss? Hoss!
You naughty boy!
Where are you hiding?
Hoss, dear!
Where are you?
- Who's that?
- Hmm?
Oh, that-that's
Libby Spencefield.
She checked in while
you were in town.
She's from New England.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yeah.
Not another.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, she's elevating
Hoss's mentality.
Teaching him about,
oh, things like Chaucer
and New England
history... that sort of thing,
so they'll be compatible
when they get married.
In the meantime,
big Annie Slocum's
fixed about four messes
of possum for Hoss.
I never thought
I'd see my brother
turn green at the dinner table.
He'd been hiding in the
barn, till Yvette found him.
Oh, yeah, I-I... I saw that.
Mr. Cartwright, Hop
Sing going to quit.
Oh, Jester...
Mmm, it's a big day.
I leaving today!
- No, we can...
- Unless this foreign lady
go back to Kentucky!
Mr. Cartwright, this
man has got to go.
He is constantly
underfoot in my kitchen.
- Yeah, but...
- "Her" kitchen!
In my kitchen,
I just caught him trying to put
a dirty old bird's nest
in my soup for Hoss!
- Hmph!
- Scat!
- Scat, scat, scat, scat!
- Uh...
Uh, Hop Sing, don't worry.
Everything'll be all right.
You go on into the kitchen.
No wonder poor
Sugarplum eats like a bird.
- Like a bird?
- Like a bird?
Who are they?
Oh, uh...
Annie Slocum, this is
Mr. Jester McGillicuddy.
Glad to make your
acquaintance, mum.
Howdy.
And, uh, Miss
Jenny McGillicuddy.
Jenny, say hello to the lady.
I'd rather not.
Oh, so you'd rather not, eh?
Ooh, in Kentuck,
I'd know how to peel
a little turnip like you.
Ooh!
Jenny!
Shame on you, girl.
Shame on you.
What'll Miss Annie think?
I think I'll be
needin' some help
in the kitchen with
my vegetable cuttin'.
Come on, young lady.
I think I'm gonna be
short of breath, Daddy!
I think I'm gonna be sick!
We Kentucky folks have
a cure for what ails her.
It's called work.
- Well...
- Help! Daddy! Mr. Cart...!
She's going to beat me!
I'm going to faint!
That'll be the day.
Uh, Mr. Cartwright,
do you think that my Jenny
is safe with that woman?
Well, I'll tell you, Jester,
it seems to me that, uh...
Annie's medicine might
be just the right thing for her.
Oh?
Oh...
Hoss, what are...?
Shh! Shh!
What the devil
are... Shh, Pa. Pa...
I've been up there in my room.
Where's them gals?
Outside, getting some air.
What are you skulking
around like this for?
Well, dad-burnit, Pa,
between Miss Yvette
and her truffles and snails...
and-and Ned and Jed
and their mess of possums
and-and Miss Libby
cramming all that
fancy bookwork down my brain
I'm-I'm about to blow a cork.
Yeah, I've-I've been
giving this problem of yours
a bit of consideration, son.
You have three brides
and one very
reluctant bridegroom.
That's not very good odds.
Unless... Unless what?
You got an idea?
Well, I-I just might have, son.
Weren't you and Little
Joe gonna play poker
with Will Parkiss tonight?
Yeah, I was gonna.
Hoss...
I think you just ought to go
over there and play poker.
And, uh, make sure you
go through the kitchen.
All right.
Pa, I'm gonna be
depending on you.
Good evening.
- Good evening.
- Bonsoir.
Lovely ladies
and a lovely night.
Lovely music.
Ay.
How lonely it sounds.
A couple of nice
boys, Ned and Jed.
Nice boys.
It's strange how...
people can show their loneliness
through their music.
You'd never know.
Those boys have hearts
as big as potato sacks.
But lonely as a desert night.
Poor boys.
Poor boys.
What'll they do when
Annie leaves them?
How they'll miss the soft touch
of a woman in their life.
Poor boys.
So lonely.
Just like me.
Nobody wants me.
Oh, why... I, uh...
I wouldn't say that.
No, sir.
Why, do you know that I heard
the Slocum boys saying that...
Well, I... I guess
I can tell you.
Well, I-I heard them
Slocum boys say that, uh...
that you and Miss Libby
here were two real beauties.
Oh, there are a lot
of fish in the ocean.
You know that
son, Hoss, of mine...
Well, he never did know a
pretty woman when he saw one.
Did they... the Slocum boys...
Did they really say that we...?
Well, they-they never...
come right out
blunt-like and say it. Uh...
Well, let me tell you
about those two boys.
Underneath those
rough exteriors,
beat two hearts of gold.
Yes, ma'am.
Two hearts of gold.
Well, I guess it's time
for me to be turning in.
Good night, ladies.
- Good night.
- Pleasant dreams.
Bonsoir, Monsieur Cartwright.
It is lovely music, isn't it?
Divine, one might say.
Poor boys.
They do sound lonely.
Do they not?
Terribly.
That was pretty.
Yeah.
Hey, Ned, look at them stars.
Like wildflowers
on fire, ain't they?
Pretty, all right.
Kind of reminds
me of old Kentuck.
The moon just like
a big old lantern.
You homesick, Ned?
Kinda, I guess.
This is mighty fine country.
A feller could set his roots
down, if he put his mind to it.
Yeah, and-and come
spring, planting some corn
and hoeing it and
watching it grow.
Maybe own a little
ol' still out back.
Making us up a big old
batch of that pure golden...
good ol' mountain dew.
Mountain dew.
Wouldn't that be something?
That sure would be something.
Makes my ol' mouth
water just thinking about it.
Makes me kind of lonely
just saying them words.
Mountain dew.
Good ol' mountain dew.
Aw, now, that's enough
of that stuff for one night.
Oh, aren't you going
to play just a bit more?
How long you two she-males
been standing there?
Just a few minutes.
But we just love your music.
It is... well, how shall
I say? Very romantic.
Let's get out of here, brother.
Why, if I didn't know better,
I'd think you
gentlemen didn't like us.
I think they do like us,
but they are afraid.
- Aren't you, mon chéri?
- Afraid of a woman?
Maybe Frenchmen is afraid of
women but not us mountain men.
Oh, a Frenchman never
runs from a lovely woman.
Never.
Or don't you think
we are lovely?
Well... you're-you're
passable, I reckon.
And am I "possible"?
"Passable," ma'am, "passable."
Is there a difference?
As you would say,
vive la différence.
Hey, Brother Ned, I
think they're talking
in some language I
don't rightly understand.
We are talking the
language of love.
Love? I-I could love my
mule and my squirrel gun,
but I reckon that's about all.
Don't forget that
sour mash, brother.
Yeah, that, too.
Oh, poor things.
You will have to be taught.
Taught?
Oh, pardon, monsieur.
Oh, pardon me, ma'am.
I just, uh... Well,
I did not see you.
I-I didn't see you, neither.
I-I was just, uh, poking along
and thinkin' about last night,
uh, uh, down by the corral.
Uh, uh, I was also thinking.
That's funny, both
us thinkin' at once.
Y-You know, I think
all the time nearly.
And-and sometimes I think
about the doggonest things.
- Really?
- Oh, yeah!
You know, once't I
was a-walkin' along
and suddenly I
commenced to thinkin' about
how I'd like to just
peel off my boots
and-and-and run in the mud,
just like a little old kid.
And-and did you?
Sure did, just like that.
How thrilling to
be so impulsive.
"Impulsive"?
I-I-I ain't scared of nothing
that walks or swims or crawls.
Not even girls?
Well, I-I just...
Oh, you do not
seem afraid of me.
Well, I-I reckon I
forgot that you was a girl
- just for a minute.
- Ooh, you're just saying that.
No, ma'am.
No, ma'am, Miss Yvette, I ain't.
Why, if it wasn't for that
Hoss Cartwright, I'd-I'd...
Ah, you'd what, Monsieur Slocum?
Well, I'd... I'd...
Monsieur Slocum,
are you fond of escargot?
"Escargot"?
Well, seeing I
ain't never met him,
it be hard to say
yes or no, ma'am.
Oh, you silly boy.
Has anybody told you
you have a delightful
sense of humor?
Let's talk about New Orleans.
Have you ever been
there, mon chèri?
Of course, I never did see
what you gals saw
in that Hoss anyhow.
Except he was big
and rich and handsome.
Oh, which any fella could
be if he'd set his mind to it.
What you been
reading... A cookbook?
Oh, why, no, it's
Mr. Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Don't you think he's divine?
Is he a Yankee or South?
Well, I imagine he'd
be classified a Yankee.
I don't like him then.
Oh?
Have you read him, Mr. Slocum?
No.
I ain't ever met him.
Oh, of course,
I-I ain't got nothin'
against Yankee she-males.
Naturally, I hate men Yankees
more than I hate "potater" bugs.
Mr. Slocum, now what
quarrel could you possibly have
with this beautiful passage?
- Oh...!
- Oh, oh, I'm sorry!
Terribly sorry, I...
How do...? Yeah.
Well, I'll-I'll own...
for a Yankee, it ain't bad.
Oh...
Well... I reckon
I'm pretty dumb.
Ain't had no time for schooling.
While Sister Annie
was growing up,
me and Brother Ned
had to work on the farm.
Uh, us being just orphans.
And you sacrificed
yourself for her.
Oh... how noble.
How inspired.
Oh.
Why, Mr. Slocum... Jed?
Makes me want to cry.
Oh, oh, well, I was just...
Oh, there's beauty
in your soul, Jed.
They is?
I knew it from the very
first moment I saw you.
- But I was blind.
- You was?
Blinded by selfishness!
Thinking only of myself.
Tossing myself shamelessly
at Hoss Cartwright
- without a thought to...
- To-to me?
Precisely!
Oh, dearest Jed...
You must read.
You must learn to read.
You must let me guide you,
as Lady Beatrice guided Dante
through the wonders
which lie before us.
You-you really think
you could learn a dumb
mule like me to read and write?
Oh, yes, yes, yes!
- Oh!
- Oh, dear Jed.
Oh, Miss Libby.
I see in you... the
soul of a rural poet,
a Southern Henry
Longfellow, perchance...
awaiting its redemption
from the depths of darkness
to burst forth brilliantly
into the lights
of literary skies.
You see all them things in me?
Oh, yes.
Gee, willikers!
Be careful! Oh!
Be careful!
You hurt somebody!
Oh, they're my dishes!
I won't peel any more potatoes!
I won't! I won't!
Oh, yes, you will!
I hate you! You're
just a mean old lady!
You spanked me!
I warned you what would happen
if you pulled out
that slingshot again!
- Jenny...
- Daddy! Daddy!
- Aw!
- Save me!
I-I can't breathe! I'll die!
She "can't breathe."
Well, she sure can holler.
The child suffers from
asthma, Miss Annie.
- The doctor says...
- The doctors!
What do they know
about kids, anyway?
- Now, look, Miss Annie...
- Now, Mr. Cartwright...
I might not be too smart
about a lot of things,
but I was a child once myself,
and I know a surefire
cure for that little hellion.
Kentucky-style cure, that is.
Well, Hoss, stop gaping.
Pick up that child, take it
upstairs to the bedroom.
And as for you,
you just stay put.
- Well, now...
- This is woman's work!
Well...
Glory be!
Whew!
She's quite a woman.
She ain't no wailing banshee.
- No, she ain't.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
Why, just set her right
over here on this bed.
Yes'm.
And I'm gonna need
some red flannel...
and, uh, show me
where the medicine's kept.
- Yep...
- Uh... I'll take care of her.
Ma'am, the medicine's
over there under that...
- All right...
- I don't want nothing!
The only flannel
I got's over there
- in them drawers in the dresser.
- I don't care what you want!
All right, I'll get it.
Don't just stand there.
- You're in the way, get out!
- Yes'm.
Well... Now, you sit still here.
- You're gonna...
- Let me...
If you're gonna have an
attack, just go right ahead.
- I - hate you! I hate you!
Let me go! Let me go!
Boy, Pa, that-that Kentucky
gal is sure determined.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
So's Jenny.
Uh, Mr. Cartwright?
I wonder if you'd care to
accompany me upstairs
for a peep at the proceedings?
Uh, you, uh, you a
little scared of Annie?
Ooh, well, now,
it-it ain't Annie
and it ain't Jenny.
But the two of them
makes a mighty earthquake.
She's murdering me!
She's murdered me poor child!
Glory be!
Well, come in, Mr. McGillicuddy.
Are you all right,
Jenny darling?
Well, why shouldn't
she be all right?
Since when has a warm
bed and good rubdown
done a child any harm?
Mmm, what this
child needs is love...
A mother's love.
I've been giving that very idea
a bit of serious
consideration of late.
Well, have you now,
Mr. McGillicuddy?
Well, things have sure
simmered down upstairs.
Yeah, upstairs.
Hey, Pa, Hoss!
Hey!
Take a look at this.
Hey, where'd you find this?
Found it on the bunkhouse door.
Hoss, listen to this:
"Dear Hoss, Little
Joe and Mr. Cartwright.
"Please forgive us
for going like this
"but it could not be helped.
"Jed and Ned need us
more than Hoss ever will.
"And we've discovered
we need them.
"Please don't worry about
your double-seated buckboard
"as we shall return
it after the wedding.
Your friends forever,
Yvette and Libby."
Hot dogs!
Hey, Pa, I-I'm a free man!
Hey, wait a minute,
wait a minute, come here.
There's more.
Hmm. "We all hope Annie and Hoss
will be very, very happy."
Well, Rome
wasn't built in a day.
It ain't Rome I'm worried about.
It's me.
Uh, gentlemen?
I'm sure we're all agreed
that motherhood
is an indispensible
and noble role.
Don't make a
speech, just tell them.
Yes, uh, Mr. Cartwright, Hoss,
every child like my little
dear Jenny needs a mother.
Yes, yes, a proper mother.
Exactly, sir.
Someone who would
love and cherish her
as-as you do.
Um, my very own
thoughts, Mr. Cartwright.
You know, I've been
thinking about that.
I've been thinking that...
actually Annie and-and Hoss
could learn to love
and cherish Jenny.
That is if she's, uh, if
she's up for adoption.
Adopt... Well, uh,
that's not exactly
what I had in view now.
Of course, certainly, Hoss is...
well, he's a, he's a fetching
and a fascinating fella...
Muscular, handsome
and quite a brain,
too, I might say.
But I, I've never
dared hoped, uh...
What he's trying
to say is that, uh,
well, I can't marry Hoss.
You can't?
You can't marry Hoss?
Nope.
No, because, uh, I'm, uh,
I'm gonna marry him.
You see, th-this
funny little Irish fella,
he, uh, well, he
really needs me.
And, well, so does
that sweet little Jenny.
And, so, uh, well,
you understand,
don't you, Hoss?
Well, I'll, I'll tell
you, Miss Annie...
It ain't gonna be easy.
But... doggone it,
the best man won,
so congratulations!
Uh, thank you, Hoss.
Congratulations!
My goodness, yes.
And my very best wishes to you.
- All the luck in the world.
- We're gonna have a wedding
at the Ponderosa after all!
Dad-burnit, and I'm gonna give
the brides away... all of them!
Snookums!
This has been a color production
of the NBC Television Network.
is brought to you in
living color on NBC.
Well, now, Hoss,
what would be wrong with
covering this splendid structure
with a lovely coat
of green, may I ask?
That'd sure be something to see,
all right, Jester...
A green barn.
Well, then, if we agree,
why don't I take all of
this hideous red stuff
back to the store
and exchange it?
Well, for two very good reasons:
Number one, I don't want to
scare the animals half to death,
and number two, I'm
halfway finished now.
Well, it goes against
me better judgment,
but I'll see it through.
It's mighty fine of you, Hoss,
to let me earn a few
extra dollars this way
for my little Jenny.
Well, it'll help pay
some of the doctor's
bills, anyhow, won't it?
Aye, it sure will.
You're a saint,
Hoss; a true saint.
What with your assistance,
plus delivering for the store
and handling the mail,
I can just about make ends meet.
Speaking of the mail, have
you delivered it to Pa yet?
Oh, no, no! I forgot it again.
It's in me back
pocket. Oh, I was...
Well, dad-burnit, you'd
better get it in there.
He's gonna have a hissy.
- This is the third time this week.
- Yeah, I know.
- And on the way...
- Yeah?
Go through the kitchen...
Ol' Hop Sing's got
a great big apple
cobbler in there for Jenny.
Oh, thank you. Thank you, Hoss!
- Here. Here you are.
- Yeah.
Ho!
Oh.
Well, howdy!
Here.
Here we go, Annie.
- Thanks. Ooh.
- There we are.
Whoo-whee!
I sure do like this
place, don't you, boys?
We sure do, Annie.
- Howdy.
- Howdy.
Uh, anything we can do for you?
Well, I'm lookin'
for Hoss Cartwright.
Oh. Is he expecting you?
Oh, he sure is expecting me.
I'm Annie Slocum.
How d'you do?
And these are my brothers,
Brother Jed and Brother Ned.
- Oh.
- Howdy.
- Mr. Slocum.
- How are you?
It's a marriage.
Uh, I'm Ben Cartwright.
This is my son Joseph.
Uh, where is your brother?
Uh, last time I saw him,
- he was painting the barn.
- Oh.
Oh-oh, there... uh, Hoss!
There you are!
Ooh, whoo-whee.
Handsome as
handsome, ain't he, boys?
He don't look too bad, Annie.
He's even
better-looking in person.
Uh, Hoss, these people
have come to see you.
I'm Annie, Sugarplum.
These here's my
brothers, Jed and Ned.
- Well, say howdy, boys.
- Howdy.
Howdy. Howdy.
Howdy.
Uh... is there something
I can do for you?
Something he can do for you?
He's a real funny
galoot, ain't he, Annie?
Well, sure is.
Seein' how's I come
all the way from Kentuck
just to get hitched to him.
Well, I'm right in the
middle of paintin'...
Hitched?!
Well, I think might be a
good idea if we just sat down
and made ourselves comfortable.
- Ah. Why, thank you.
- We'll talk this over in...
- Boy!
- Talk this over in a, uh...
Uh, would mind taking
your feet of the table, please?
Thank you.
I...
Would you like a cold
drink of some sort?
- Oh, that'd taste right fine.
- Yeah. -
Thank you.
Joseph, would you get
the lemonade, please?
- Yes, sir.
- I'll get it. -Never mind.
You just stay right
where you are.
Joseph will get the lemonade.
Whoo-whee!
My, this is a purty house.
Aw, Sugarplum,
is this the honeymoon
nest you wrote me about?
- "Sugarplum"?
- Now look here, ma'am,
I ain't never wrote you
nothin' about nothin'!
There's been
some sort of mistake
somewhere along the line.
Well, of course you wrote her.
Sis saved all them letters.
Oh, uh, you, uh...
you have some letters?
I certainly have.
Right there in
that traveling bag.
Uh... I'd like to
see those, if I may.
Them's private, 'tween
Sugarplum and me.
Ain't no stranger
gonna see those letters.
This ain't no stranger.
This here's my pa.
'Pears to me like
somebody's trying to weasel
their way out of something.
After we spent every last
cent we got a-gettin' out here.
I'd say we've been slickered.
Now wait just a minute!
Now, first of all, put
those guns down.
Now just, just set 'em down.
- Yeah, all right, boys.
- Now, you've been saying
some things here about my son...
Joseph, would you
get the lemonade?
Oh. The lemonade. Yeah.
Now, I hope you can back up
those statements
you've been making.
Oh, that Hoss.
Oh...
Jester, since when have you
been taking to stealing pies?
Oh, no! No, Little Joe.
This is me own apple cobbler
that Hop Sing made for my
little Jenny, bless her heart.
Oh... Sure, then why are you
sneakin' around
here like a little elf?
Sure, and that would be me
own business, Mr. Cartwright.
I told you,
I saw his advertisement
in the matrimony paper,
where he asked that any widow
who wanted to get
married to write him.
Ma'am, I ain't never
advertised in nothing!
Ain't that right, Pa?
Oh, Sugarplum, how could you?
Oh, ma'am... Miss...
Miss Annie, don't...
Oh...!
You can see for yourself.
In this one, he asked
me to marry him.
A-And in this one,
he sent me his picture.
And in this one,
he tells me he's a rich rancher
and the Ponderosa is gonna
be our honeymoon cottage.
It sure does look like Hoss
with that prize hog of his.
Mmm.
But Pa, that ain't even...
that ain't even my handwritin'.
And I guess you're gonna tell me
that that ain't no picture of
you huggin' that hog, neither.
Oh, Sugarplum...
I never thought you
could do this to me.
They ain't nobody
gonna jilt our little Annie
and get away with it.
Well?
What are we gonna do
with this here Blackbeard?
Uh, Blue... Bluebeard.
I don't care what
color his whiskers is.
They's gonna be a
wedding just like we planned,
or somebody's gonna get...
sued from here to kingdom come.
There's laws against
jiltin' helpless widows.
Dad-burnit, wait a minute!
- Somebody get the door.
- There'll be a weddin'
- just like we planned.
- Answer the door.
Right! You betcha there's
gonna be a weddin'...
Somebody answer the door!
- Somebody answer the door!
- But...
Excuse me. I'll do it myself.
Oh. Yes, ma'am?
Pardon, monsieur.
Perhaps I was
misinformed in the village.
Is this not the
chateau of, uh...
Poopsie!
Oh, mon chéri!
Oh! You shut up, you.
Get your paws off my man,
you feather-bound Jezebel!
Insolent peasant.
- How dare you insult Yvette?
- Oh!
Go back to your housework.
Housework?!
Ladies!
- Ladies!
- I'll show you
some housework, you, you,
you over-painted, pie-faced,
calculatin'... I... get...
La-Ladies, ladies,
ladies, ladies.
Ladies, ladies, dignity,
dignity, dignity,
dignity, please.
Lemonade?
Oh!
I tell you, Hoss, according
to Lawyer Minton,
both those ladies got a
good case against you,
if they decide to
take you into court.
According to the evidence,
all supports their story.
You know, from the point
of view of the legalities
and the standpoint of a jury,
they got a good
case against you.
So then... so 'bout
the only chance I gots
is to find the yahoo
that really wrote them
dad-burned letters, ain't it?
That's about it, Hoss.
Well, I better get inside
and order all this stuff
our guests wanted.
- Quite a list, huh?
- Yeah.
Uh, look, Pa, maybe
I'll see you after a while.
I... I think I'll go
over at the saloon
- and get me a bunch of beer.
- Oh, no, no.
I know exactly what
you're gonna do.
You're going to the Ponderosa
to make sure those two females
don't tear that place
apart room by room.
- Now move. - But... Get going.
"Poopsie."
Hi, Bob.
- Hello, Matt.
- Howdy, Ben.
What can I do for you?
Hey, Matt...
you wouldn't have
any truffles, would you?
Well, Ben, I got
all kinds of troubles.
No, not troubles, Matt.
I got plenty of those myself.
No, truffles.
Truffles.
Truffles?
Yeah, they're...
something you eat.
Never heard of 'em.
What are they like?
Well, uh,
they're... it's a, uh...
Well, never mind.
How 'bout escargot?
Escar-what?
Escargot.
Well, that's French or "snails."
Now I know you're joking.
No, I wish I was.
I got a houseful of people
at the Ponderosa, staying...
Yeah, news travels fast, Ben.
Yeah, bad news.
Well, anyway, one of 'em's
a young French woman.
These truffles and
snails, that was her idea.
Trying to get at a man
through his stomach.
You ain't sayin' Hoss is
gonna eat snails, are you, Ben?
Well, you can't
insult your guests.
Under those conditions,
I'd be willing to try.
Yeah, wouldn't blame you.
What am I... oh, listen, I've
been meaning to ask you.
Uh, you handle all the mail
that comes through
here, don't you?
Most of the time.
Or sometimes Jester does.
Oh.
Uh, well, do you remember
any mail going through here
with, uh, these names on it?
Like, uh... Yvette
Devereaux, New Orleans?
- No.
- No.
How about Annie
Slocum, Kentucky?
Don't guess I do.
Wouldn't be likely to
forget them names, either.
No, I guess not.
Well, I'll, uh, I'll talk
to Jester about 'em.
He didn't come to work today.
Uh, Jenny's sick again.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
I guess Jester'd be
at the house, huh?
Well, less'n he's out
scrounging himself up
some other work
somewheres, on my time.
Thinks I don't know about
it, that Killarney road bandit.
Well, good luck to Hoss,
and may the best gal win.
Oh, don't say that too loudly.
Hey, listen, uh...
you, uh, make out
the rest of that list,
all except them
truffles and snails.
I'll be back in a little while.
All right, Ben.
Snails.
- I - don't want any more
of your smelly old medicine!
Jenny, darling, please.
The doctor only
wants to help you!
Don't want no smelly old doctor!
Send him away!
Oh, now, honey, look...
don't make me
break the door down.
She's having an attack, Jester.
I have to get to
her pretty soon.
I don't want no
smelly old doctor!
Send him away!
Well, Jester, I guess that's it.
No use hanging around,
since Jenny's not
gonna open that door.
I'll be going now.
Yes, Doctor.
Good-bye!
And a good-bye to you, Doctor.
Is he gone?
- Well...
- Let me go!
- Come on, now, Jenny.
- I won't hurt you one bit.
- I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
- Come on, now,
- Into bed you go.
- Get her in there
- before she has another attack.
- Into bed you go, there!
- Now, this good...
- Now, Jenny, Jenny, darling,
you're going to take
this good medicine.
- Down it all, now.
- Are you ready, Doctor?
- Oh, I'm ready.
- Oh, and that...
Just remember to give her
a half a teaspoon full of
this every couple of hours.
Ah, that I will, Doctor.
You go to sleep. You sleep.
She'll be all right,
won't she, Doctor?
- For now, Jester.
- Eh...
She's not responding.
In fact, she's succeeding in
making herself even worse
and is developing
signs of asthma,
which could become
really serious in time.
Well, you get her the
best medicines you can.
I'll find the money to
pay for them, somehow.
Jester... you know and I know
that the best medicine for
Jenny would be a mother.
A real mother.
No an imaginary
one, not a memory.
I had a notion... a
dream, a wild dream...
but I never counted
on the fatal charm
of that Hoss Cartwright.
And now it has destroyed
me best-laid plans.
What in the world are
you talking about, Jester?
What's Hoss Cartwright
got to do with you?
There's no earthly
use discussing it.
I've lost me last, me
most desperate bid
for the happiness
of me tiny tot,
me lovely Jenny.
He's poisoned me,
Daddy, he's poisoned me!
I'm dying, Daddy!
- Oh, Jenny, oh, Jenny, now...
- He's given me poison.
Please, now, Jenny.
She's as pixilated
as you are, Jester.
Get that child in bed.
I've gotta go now.
I must be seven
calls behind by now.
Yes, Doctor.
I am dying, Daddy!
- Oh...
- Dying!
He's given me poison!
Oh, Jenny.
I'll be by again tomorrow.
Well, uh, thank
you kindly, Doctor.
Joe.
You gotta help me.
You gotta save me.
That French gal,
she's dangerous.
You know, I don't know what
you got that these women want,
but whatever it is, Hoss, you
ought to bottle it and sell it.
Ooh, Poopsie!
- Joe, you're my brother.
- Hoo-ooh!
- Hoss...
- You gotta help me.
"Ooh!"
Ooh, Poopsie.
Oh, you bad, bad boy.
Hoss!
Oh, Hoss!
Uh-oh.
Why, you painted
pile of French pastry!
I warned you to keep your
hands off my husband-to-be.
Your husband-to-be?
You corn-fed Amazon, you.
"You corn-fed Amazon..."
- You...
- Corn-fed Amazon, eh?
Why... why, I'll
slug you so hard
that sky'll be raining feathers.
Oh!
- En garde, en...-Ah, let
me at her, let me at her,
let me go, let me go!
Excuse me, Poopsie.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
I'm Libby Spencefield.
Libby Spencefield?
Boston, Massachusetts?
Uh, let-let me guess.
You're looking for
Hoss Cartwright.
Yes.
My fiancé.
Oh... what a magnificent house.
Oh...
we should have a
simply glorious wedding.
♪♪
Ah, Jenny, Jenny...
why are you always
doing things like that?
I didn't want that big old
doctor around, Daddy.
I want you to stay
with me always.
Oh, my poor baby.
I've tried being mother
and father to you
and I've failed you in both.
I had a real mommy
once, didn't I, Daddy?
That you did, darlin'.
My mommy...
tell me again about
my mommy, please.
She was the
dearest, loveliest spirit
the good Lord ever
put inside a body.
And I loved her so much.
And so it was she chose me,
that together we could have
a lovely, sweet little girl.
Was that little girl me?
Yes, dear heart.
It was you.
It was you, Jenny.
It was you.
♪♪
Ah! Morning, Doc.
Whoa. How are you, Ben?
How are you?
Been to see Jenny?
Yeah.
Poor child.
I don't know which is worse,
her asthma or her
need for a mother's care.
Yeah. I can't understand
why Jester doesn't
get married again.
Well, I've tried to talk him
into it, Ben, believe me.
- But you know Jester.
- Oh, yes.
Why, just a little while ago,
he was babbling some nonsense
about some wild scheme and...
about Hoss's charm
having destroyed his plans.
W... wait a minute.
What did you say?
He said Hoss's charms
had destroyed his plans?
Yeah.
He said he didn't have a chance
against Hoss's charms.
Guess you didn't know
that you'd spawned
a real charmer, did you, Ben?
No, I sure didn't,
but I'm just
beginning to find out.
So that's what
this is all about.
I swear it must be the weather.
Now you're talking just as
mysterious as Jester himself.
Well, I gotta be off.
- So long.
- Yeah, so long, Doc.
And thanks! Thanks.
Hoss...
Ah, Mr. Cartwright!
Come in, come in.
Well, thank you, Jester.
- It's good to see you.
- Yes.
Oh, say, I just
passed the doctor.
I'm sorry to hear about Jenny.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Cartwright.
She's feeling better.
- Sound asleep.
- Oh, good. Good.
But it's very considerate of
you to come asking about her
- and I thank you for it.
- Not at all.
I'll get you the coffee.
Oh, uh, listen.
I-I came here to see you.
- Huh?
- About some letters.
Letters? What letters would
you be meaning, Mr. Cartwright?
Well, a strange thing.
It seems that somebody's
been forging Hoss's name
- to some letters, and...
- Oh...
having them
postmarked Virginia City.
That's against the law.
A body could
go to jail for that.
- Yes, yes, I'm aware of that.
- Yeah.
You wouldn't, uh, know
anything about them, would you?
Me, Mr. Cartwright?
You see,
you and Matt are the
only two handling the mail,
and, uh, I knew it wasn't Matt,
so I thought perhaps
it might be you.
Now, try to remember something.
- I...
- See, these letters were written
- to two different women.
- Oh.
Now, see if these names
mean anything to you.
Yes. Yes, of course.
Annie Slocum.
Annie Slocum...
- Yes.
- Annie Slocum.
And the other one
is Yvette Devereaux.
Yvette Devereaux, huh?
Now, those names should be
kind of easy to
remember, don't you think?
It's coming back to
me, Mr. Cartwright,
it's coming back to me.
I remember now, it was a
stranger that mailed 'em.
Yes, sir, sure enough.
I'm beginning to see him now.
Flashy-dressed,
with a fancy vest.
I'd say a gambling man.
And he posted those letters.
That's right.
A flashy-dressed gamblin' man.
Well, that explains how
the letters were posted, then.
- So...
- Yes. Yes, it does.
Tell me, what do
you think happened
to the letters that the
ladies sent to Hoss?
- Oh, yes, oh, yes.
- You...
The-the letters the
ladies sent to Hoss.
Yes, you see,
those ladies answered
Hoss's letters.
- Oh, yeah.
- And, uh...
they must have gone
through the post office,
except that, uh, Hoss
never received them.
- Oh, yes, Hoss...
- Whatever happened to them?
What do you think
happened to them, now?
Oh, yes, what happened to them?
Well... Maybe they was lost.
Yeah. Or maybe, uh...
maybe they was stolen.
All of them?
It don't hold water, do it?
Ah, well.
Of course, it-it really...
it really isn't, uh, it
really isn't your fault, is it?
Uh, it's not?
- No, of course not.
- Oh?
You were hired as
a postal employee,
- not as a detective.
- Oh, sure now,
and that's a fact, sir.
Now, you could really
be of great help to me
if you wanted to be.
And how could I be that?
By helping me prove my theory.
Oh, yes!
Eh... what might that be, sir?
It could be... that
Hoss... my son, Hoss...
In an impassioned moment,
wrote those letters.
Ah...!
And then had this
mysterious gambler
mail them for him.
- Aha...
- Or it could be
that Little Joe
wrote those letters
as a joke on Hoss.
- Oh, glory be!
- In either case,
you will help me, won't you?
I certainly will, sir.
How?
By coming to the Ponderosa
and being with my guests...
You'll bring Jenny, of course...
And while you're there...
I'll observe for
suspicious moves.
Exactly. Exactly.
- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
- Now you're thinking, Jester.
Now you're thinking.
I can't tell you how
greatly relieved I am
to find that your
thinking in this matter
so exactly coincides with mine.
Ah, thank you, sir.
Oh... Well, now.
How about that coffee, huh?
Well, now, that's
a wonderful idea.
Ah, there you are, sir.
Nice hot coffee.
I keep it on the
stove all the time.
Yes.
Ah, yes, sir.
Whoa.
I mean, Pa, it's
been like this all day.
Howdy, Poopsie!
Ooh, Hoss, chéri!
Chéri, 'Oss, wait a minute.
Wait for me!
LITTLE JOE "Wait for me!"
Joe, I don't think your
brother's gonna appreciate
- you laughing like that.
- Oh, I can't help it, Pa.
He looks like a young rooster
with a whole flock of pullets.
Hey, Jester, how you doing?
And a good day
to you, Little Joe.
Good... Ooh, and
how's my little Jenny?
You miss me, baby?
Little Joe, Hoss did look funny.
Why was that lady chasing him?
Uh, w-why was the
lady chasing him?
Th-They were playing a little
kind of a game of tag, Jenny.
Hoss? Hoss!
You naughty boy!
Where are you hiding?
Hoss, dear!
Where are you?
- Who's that?
- Hmm?
Oh, that-that's
Libby Spencefield.
She checked in while
you were in town.
She's from New England.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yeah.
Not another.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, she's elevating
Hoss's mentality.
Teaching him about,
oh, things like Chaucer
and New England
history... that sort of thing,
so they'll be compatible
when they get married.
In the meantime,
big Annie Slocum's
fixed about four messes
of possum for Hoss.
I never thought
I'd see my brother
turn green at the dinner table.
He'd been hiding in the
barn, till Yvette found him.
Oh, yeah, I-I... I saw that.
Mr. Cartwright, Hop
Sing going to quit.
Oh, Jester...
Mmm, it's a big day.
I leaving today!
- No, we can...
- Unless this foreign lady
go back to Kentucky!
Mr. Cartwright, this
man has got to go.
He is constantly
underfoot in my kitchen.
- Yeah, but...
- "Her" kitchen!
In my kitchen,
I just caught him trying to put
a dirty old bird's nest
in my soup for Hoss!
- Hmph!
- Scat!
- Scat, scat, scat, scat!
- Uh...
Uh, Hop Sing, don't worry.
Everything'll be all right.
You go on into the kitchen.
No wonder poor
Sugarplum eats like a bird.
- Like a bird?
- Like a bird?
Who are they?
Oh, uh...
Annie Slocum, this is
Mr. Jester McGillicuddy.
Glad to make your
acquaintance, mum.
Howdy.
And, uh, Miss
Jenny McGillicuddy.
Jenny, say hello to the lady.
I'd rather not.
Oh, so you'd rather not, eh?
Ooh, in Kentuck,
I'd know how to peel
a little turnip like you.
Ooh!
Jenny!
Shame on you, girl.
Shame on you.
What'll Miss Annie think?
I think I'll be
needin' some help
in the kitchen with
my vegetable cuttin'.
Come on, young lady.
I think I'm gonna be
short of breath, Daddy!
I think I'm gonna be sick!
We Kentucky folks have
a cure for what ails her.
It's called work.
- Well...
- Help! Daddy! Mr. Cart...!
She's going to beat me!
I'm going to faint!
That'll be the day.
Uh, Mr. Cartwright,
do you think that my Jenny
is safe with that woman?
Well, I'll tell you, Jester,
it seems to me that, uh...
Annie's medicine might
be just the right thing for her.
Oh?
Oh...
Hoss, what are...?
Shh! Shh!
What the devil
are... Shh, Pa. Pa...
I've been up there in my room.
Where's them gals?
Outside, getting some air.
What are you skulking
around like this for?
Well, dad-burnit, Pa,
between Miss Yvette
and her truffles and snails...
and-and Ned and Jed
and their mess of possums
and-and Miss Libby
cramming all that
fancy bookwork down my brain
I'm-I'm about to blow a cork.
Yeah, I've-I've been
giving this problem of yours
a bit of consideration, son.
You have three brides
and one very
reluctant bridegroom.
That's not very good odds.
Unless... Unless what?
You got an idea?
Well, I-I just might have, son.
Weren't you and Little
Joe gonna play poker
with Will Parkiss tonight?
Yeah, I was gonna.
Hoss...
I think you just ought to go
over there and play poker.
And, uh, make sure you
go through the kitchen.
All right.
Pa, I'm gonna be
depending on you.
Good evening.
- Good evening.
- Bonsoir.
Lovely ladies
and a lovely night.
Lovely music.
Ay.
How lonely it sounds.
A couple of nice
boys, Ned and Jed.
Nice boys.
It's strange how...
people can show their loneliness
through their music.
You'd never know.
Those boys have hearts
as big as potato sacks.
But lonely as a desert night.
Poor boys.
Poor boys.
What'll they do when
Annie leaves them?
How they'll miss the soft touch
of a woman in their life.
Poor boys.
So lonely.
Just like me.
Nobody wants me.
Oh, why... I, uh...
I wouldn't say that.
No, sir.
Why, do you know that I heard
the Slocum boys saying that...
Well, I... I guess
I can tell you.
Well, I-I heard them
Slocum boys say that, uh...
that you and Miss Libby
here were two real beauties.
Oh, there are a lot
of fish in the ocean.
You know that
son, Hoss, of mine...
Well, he never did know a
pretty woman when he saw one.
Did they... the Slocum boys...
Did they really say that we...?
Well, they-they never...
come right out
blunt-like and say it. Uh...
Well, let me tell you
about those two boys.
Underneath those
rough exteriors,
beat two hearts of gold.
Yes, ma'am.
Two hearts of gold.
Well, I guess it's time
for me to be turning in.
Good night, ladies.
- Good night.
- Pleasant dreams.
Bonsoir, Monsieur Cartwright.
It is lovely music, isn't it?
Divine, one might say.
Poor boys.
They do sound lonely.
Do they not?
Terribly.
That was pretty.
Yeah.
Hey, Ned, look at them stars.
Like wildflowers
on fire, ain't they?
Pretty, all right.
Kind of reminds
me of old Kentuck.
The moon just like
a big old lantern.
You homesick, Ned?
Kinda, I guess.
This is mighty fine country.
A feller could set his roots
down, if he put his mind to it.
Yeah, and-and come
spring, planting some corn
and hoeing it and
watching it grow.
Maybe own a little
ol' still out back.
Making us up a big old
batch of that pure golden...
good ol' mountain dew.
Mountain dew.
Wouldn't that be something?
That sure would be something.
Makes my ol' mouth
water just thinking about it.
Makes me kind of lonely
just saying them words.
Mountain dew.
Good ol' mountain dew.
Aw, now, that's enough
of that stuff for one night.
Oh, aren't you going
to play just a bit more?
How long you two she-males
been standing there?
Just a few minutes.
But we just love your music.
It is... well, how shall
I say? Very romantic.
Let's get out of here, brother.
Why, if I didn't know better,
I'd think you
gentlemen didn't like us.
I think they do like us,
but they are afraid.
- Aren't you, mon chéri?
- Afraid of a woman?
Maybe Frenchmen is afraid of
women but not us mountain men.
Oh, a Frenchman never
runs from a lovely woman.
Never.
Or don't you think
we are lovely?
Well... you're-you're
passable, I reckon.
And am I "possible"?
"Passable," ma'am, "passable."
Is there a difference?
As you would say,
vive la différence.
Hey, Brother Ned, I
think they're talking
in some language I
don't rightly understand.
We are talking the
language of love.
Love? I-I could love my
mule and my squirrel gun,
but I reckon that's about all.
Don't forget that
sour mash, brother.
Yeah, that, too.
Oh, poor things.
You will have to be taught.
Taught?
Oh, pardon, monsieur.
Oh, pardon me, ma'am.
I just, uh... Well,
I did not see you.
I-I didn't see you, neither.
I-I was just, uh, poking along
and thinkin' about last night,
uh, uh, down by the corral.
Uh, uh, I was also thinking.
That's funny, both
us thinkin' at once.
Y-You know, I think
all the time nearly.
And-and sometimes I think
about the doggonest things.
- Really?
- Oh, yeah!
You know, once't I
was a-walkin' along
and suddenly I
commenced to thinkin' about
how I'd like to just
peel off my boots
and-and-and run in the mud,
just like a little old kid.
And-and did you?
Sure did, just like that.
How thrilling to
be so impulsive.
"Impulsive"?
I-I-I ain't scared of nothing
that walks or swims or crawls.
Not even girls?
Well, I-I just...
Oh, you do not
seem afraid of me.
Well, I-I reckon I
forgot that you was a girl
- just for a minute.
- Ooh, you're just saying that.
No, ma'am.
No, ma'am, Miss Yvette, I ain't.
Why, if it wasn't for that
Hoss Cartwright, I'd-I'd...
Ah, you'd what, Monsieur Slocum?
Well, I'd... I'd...
Monsieur Slocum,
are you fond of escargot?
"Escargot"?
Well, seeing I
ain't never met him,
it be hard to say
yes or no, ma'am.
Oh, you silly boy.
Has anybody told you
you have a delightful
sense of humor?
Let's talk about New Orleans.
Have you ever been
there, mon chèri?
Of course, I never did see
what you gals saw
in that Hoss anyhow.
Except he was big
and rich and handsome.
Oh, which any fella could
be if he'd set his mind to it.
What you been
reading... A cookbook?
Oh, why, no, it's
Mr. Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Don't you think he's divine?
Is he a Yankee or South?
Well, I imagine he'd
be classified a Yankee.
I don't like him then.
Oh?
Have you read him, Mr. Slocum?
No.
I ain't ever met him.
Oh, of course,
I-I ain't got nothin'
against Yankee she-males.
Naturally, I hate men Yankees
more than I hate "potater" bugs.
Mr. Slocum, now what
quarrel could you possibly have
with this beautiful passage?
- Oh...!
- Oh, oh, I'm sorry!
Terribly sorry, I...
How do...? Yeah.
Well, I'll-I'll own...
for a Yankee, it ain't bad.
Oh...
Well... I reckon
I'm pretty dumb.
Ain't had no time for schooling.
While Sister Annie
was growing up,
me and Brother Ned
had to work on the farm.
Uh, us being just orphans.
And you sacrificed
yourself for her.
Oh... how noble.
How inspired.
Oh.
Why, Mr. Slocum... Jed?
Makes me want to cry.
Oh, oh, well, I was just...
Oh, there's beauty
in your soul, Jed.
They is?
I knew it from the very
first moment I saw you.
- But I was blind.
- You was?
Blinded by selfishness!
Thinking only of myself.
Tossing myself shamelessly
at Hoss Cartwright
- without a thought to...
- To-to me?
Precisely!
Oh, dearest Jed...
You must read.
You must learn to read.
You must let me guide you,
as Lady Beatrice guided Dante
through the wonders
which lie before us.
You-you really think
you could learn a dumb
mule like me to read and write?
Oh, yes, yes, yes!
- Oh!
- Oh, dear Jed.
Oh, Miss Libby.
I see in you... the
soul of a rural poet,
a Southern Henry
Longfellow, perchance...
awaiting its redemption
from the depths of darkness
to burst forth brilliantly
into the lights
of literary skies.
You see all them things in me?
Oh, yes.
Gee, willikers!
Be careful! Oh!
Be careful!
You hurt somebody!
Oh, they're my dishes!
I won't peel any more potatoes!
I won't! I won't!
Oh, yes, you will!
I hate you! You're
just a mean old lady!
You spanked me!
I warned you what would happen
if you pulled out
that slingshot again!
- Jenny...
- Daddy! Daddy!
- Aw!
- Save me!
I-I can't breathe! I'll die!
She "can't breathe."
Well, she sure can holler.
The child suffers from
asthma, Miss Annie.
- The doctor says...
- The doctors!
What do they know
about kids, anyway?
- Now, look, Miss Annie...
- Now, Mr. Cartwright...
I might not be too smart
about a lot of things,
but I was a child once myself,
and I know a surefire
cure for that little hellion.
Kentucky-style cure, that is.
Well, Hoss, stop gaping.
Pick up that child, take it
upstairs to the bedroom.
And as for you,
you just stay put.
- Well, now...
- This is woman's work!
Well...
Glory be!
Whew!
She's quite a woman.
She ain't no wailing banshee.
- No, she ain't.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
Why, just set her right
over here on this bed.
Yes'm.
And I'm gonna need
some red flannel...
and, uh, show me
where the medicine's kept.
- Yep...
- Uh... I'll take care of her.
Ma'am, the medicine's
over there under that...
- All right...
- I don't want nothing!
The only flannel
I got's over there
- in them drawers in the dresser.
- I don't care what you want!
All right, I'll get it.
Don't just stand there.
- You're in the way, get out!
- Yes'm.
Well... Now, you sit still here.
- You're gonna...
- Let me...
If you're gonna have an
attack, just go right ahead.
- I - hate you! I hate you!
Let me go! Let me go!
Boy, Pa, that-that Kentucky
gal is sure determined.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
So's Jenny.
Uh, Mr. Cartwright?
I wonder if you'd care to
accompany me upstairs
for a peep at the proceedings?
Uh, you, uh, you a
little scared of Annie?
Ooh, well, now,
it-it ain't Annie
and it ain't Jenny.
But the two of them
makes a mighty earthquake.
She's murdering me!
She's murdered me poor child!
Glory be!
Well, come in, Mr. McGillicuddy.
Are you all right,
Jenny darling?
Well, why shouldn't
she be all right?
Since when has a warm
bed and good rubdown
done a child any harm?
Mmm, what this
child needs is love...
A mother's love.
I've been giving that very idea
a bit of serious
consideration of late.
Well, have you now,
Mr. McGillicuddy?
Well, things have sure
simmered down upstairs.
Yeah, upstairs.
Hey, Pa, Hoss!
Hey!
Take a look at this.
Hey, where'd you find this?
Found it on the bunkhouse door.
Hoss, listen to this:
"Dear Hoss, Little
Joe and Mr. Cartwright.
"Please forgive us
for going like this
"but it could not be helped.
"Jed and Ned need us
more than Hoss ever will.
"And we've discovered
we need them.
"Please don't worry about
your double-seated buckboard
"as we shall return
it after the wedding.
Your friends forever,
Yvette and Libby."
Hot dogs!
Hey, Pa, I-I'm a free man!
Hey, wait a minute,
wait a minute, come here.
There's more.
Hmm. "We all hope Annie and Hoss
will be very, very happy."
Well, Rome
wasn't built in a day.
It ain't Rome I'm worried about.
It's me.
Uh, gentlemen?
I'm sure we're all agreed
that motherhood
is an indispensible
and noble role.
Don't make a
speech, just tell them.
Yes, uh, Mr. Cartwright, Hoss,
every child like my little
dear Jenny needs a mother.
Yes, yes, a proper mother.
Exactly, sir.
Someone who would
love and cherish her
as-as you do.
Um, my very own
thoughts, Mr. Cartwright.
You know, I've been
thinking about that.
I've been thinking that...
actually Annie and-and Hoss
could learn to love
and cherish Jenny.
That is if she's, uh, if
she's up for adoption.
Adopt... Well, uh,
that's not exactly
what I had in view now.
Of course, certainly, Hoss is...
well, he's a, he's a fetching
and a fascinating fella...
Muscular, handsome
and quite a brain,
too, I might say.
But I, I've never
dared hoped, uh...
What he's trying
to say is that, uh,
well, I can't marry Hoss.
You can't?
You can't marry Hoss?
Nope.
No, because, uh, I'm, uh,
I'm gonna marry him.
You see, th-this
funny little Irish fella,
he, uh, well, he
really needs me.
And, well, so does
that sweet little Jenny.
And, so, uh, well,
you understand,
don't you, Hoss?
Well, I'll, I'll tell
you, Miss Annie...
It ain't gonna be easy.
But... doggone it,
the best man won,
so congratulations!
Uh, thank you, Hoss.
Congratulations!
My goodness, yes.
And my very best wishes to you.
- All the luck in the world.
- We're gonna have a wedding
at the Ponderosa after all!
Dad-burnit, and I'm gonna give
the brides away... all of them!
Snookums!
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of the NBC Television Network.