Bonanza (1959–1973): Season 6, Episode 30 - Lothario Larkin - full transcript
The Cartwrights meet a noted womanizer known as Lothario Larkin.
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- Unh!
- Oh, excuse me, Roy.
Doggone it, I was going through
the mail here. I wasn't paying...
It's all right, Hoss.
I got no time for
no chitchat, though.
What's the matter?
You got trouble?
Not if I find him first,
and there's his rig.
- Whose rig?
- That Lothario Larkin is back in town.
Lothario Larkin.
Well, I'll be doggone.
Who would've figured old Lothario
could've ever afforded a rig like this?
Gonna be nice to
see that coot again.
The only place you're
gonna see him is in my jail,
when I find him.
Oh, now, Roy, there ain't
nothing wrong with Lothario.
He's a pretty nice fellow. He's just
maybe a little too friendly. Ha-ha-ha.
I told him last time I
threw him out of town,
when he comes back, it's
gonna be to a nice, safe jail cell.
- You any idea where he's at?
- Well...
[CRASHING AND CLANGING]
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
Does that answer your question?
Come on.
[PUNCHING]
ROY: Whoa!
[PUNCHING CONTINUES]
Ah.
You see that, Roy? Picking
that stuff up, he's changed.
You wanna bet?
Ladies, now that everything
is peaceful and quiet,
will you join me at the bar?
[LAUGHING]
- You haven't changed a bit. Ha-ha-ha.
- Oh.
Hoss! Hey!
Compadre!
Ha, ha. Come in, Hoss.
Hi there, Lothario. Ha, ha.
Oh, bigger and
prettier than ever, Hoss.
Well, thank you, Lothario.
You look pretty good
yourself. Right prosperous-like.
Oh, I am. I got me a little
gold mine over in Californy.
As a matter of fact,
I've been doing so good,
I decided to come over
here and take a little vacation
and, um, ha, renew
old friendships.
Mr. Larkin, the only old
friendships you're gonna renew
is through the bars
of one of my jail cells.
I told you last time you
were here, if you came back,
- I'd throw you in
jail. HOSS: Oh, Roy.
All right, then, I'll
give him his choice.
In the jail or out
of the town. One.
Ahh. Too bad, Hoss.
Their gentlemen friends
decided to leave very suddenly,
and we could've had
ourselves a nice party. Heh.
No, thank you, Lothario.
Oh, Hoss, that reminds
me. I owe you something.
You remember the last time
Roy throwed me out of town,
- you staked me?
- You don't have to do that, Lothario.
No, I wanna give
it back. I'm rich.
Besides, I owe you a lot
more than money, Hoss.
Lothario, time is a-wasting.
Well, you ladies might just
as well spend this yourselves.
Looks like I'm leaving.
FRANCINE: Oh, but,
Lothario, you just got here.
ROY: But like he
said, he's just leaving.
Now, come on.
LOTHARIO: Oh, it means I
gotta take another long ride.
I hurt my back coming in
yesterday, and this tussle and...
Hoss, can you see anything?
It feels like a muscle
spasm or something.
If it's a muscle spasm,
you need some liniment oil.
If you could make it
out to the Ponderosa,
you could spend the night tonight,
then get a fresh start in the morning.
LOTHARIO: Aw.
Oh, Hoss, that
sounds just wonderful.
I'd get to see your pa
again, and the brothers,
and it wouldn't make my
trip seem near so wasted.
Yeah, well, what about it, Roy?
So long as he's
out of Virginia City.
Come on.
Oh, Hoss.
I just remembered, there's...
something I gotta
pick up before I go out.
So why don't you go ahead, and
then I'll come out later, all right?
- Roy?
- All right, do what you have to do.
But be on your way in
a half hour, you hear?
I promise, sheriff. I promise.
It's him, isn't it?
It's really him.
What's the matter, Laura,
does he bring back regrets?
No, but... Let's get
away from here. I...
The money and the action is here.
We stay just as long as it's profitable.
And, Laura...
don't get any ideas.
For his sake. Understand?
Hoss, how could you do it?
How could you do it?
How could you let Lothario
loose in Virginia City again?
Pa, he gave me his word of honor
that he's gonna
stay out of trouble.
Now, he just wanted to
pick up something, that's all.
Hoss, he's like an old cougar.
A cougar's got no honor.
Look, maybe something
happened to him.
JOE: Yeah. Yeah, something nice.
Something romantic.
Little brother, you've got
a mighty suspicious mind.
Yeah, when it comes
to Lothario, you bet I do.
Look, uh, I better get started.
Adam's gonna be looking for me.
Be back in a couple days. We'll
have those wild horses hobbled.
You just sit right down
again, young man.
We're gonna need you
more than Adam does.
We're gonna be
mighty unpopular people
unless we can keep
that Lothario hobbled.
LOTHARIO: Hey, we're here!
Start hobbling.
Ben. Little Joe.
Well, he wasn't lying.
He picked up something.
Oh, no, it's Meg Jones.
Her old man will kill him.
- Ah, Ben.
- Lothario.
- Joe. So good to see you fellows.
- Lothario. Hi, Meg.
Oh, it seems like it's
been a million years, huh?
Yeah, well, seems just like
yesterday to me, Lothario.
I hope we ain't late for dinner. We're
hungrier than a whale in a mini pond.
Oh, Ben, I brought
a beautiful rose
to decorate your dinner table.
Yeah, you sure did, Lothario.
- Excuse me. Excuse
me. LOTHARIO: Mm-hm.
Meg?
Does your pa know
that you're buggy-riding
with Lothario?
No, but he can't
stop me. I'm of age.
Yeah, ahem, well,
I guess you are.
I think it might be best if Hoss
was to take you home
right now, young lady.
Oh, wait a minute, Ben.
What are you taking about?
This is kind of discourteous...
Uncourteous, rude
and uncivilized.
Lothario, you're
coming this way.
- No, Ben, now wait...
- Lothario.
My goodness gracious.
Now, come on...
All I can say is you Cartwrights
are mighty high-handed.
[BEN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Whoa, ho.
Now, Meg, you ain't got no call
to be so dad-burned sore at me.
It's just like Pa said.
You ain't got no business running
around with a man like Lothario Larkin.
He's broke more
hearts than half...
Why, you sanctimonious bag
of wind. Why don't you shut up?
Yeah, I just figured
on doing that.
- You.
- Oh, hi, Abner. Sure is a pretty day.
I always suspicioned
you, Hoss, I always did.
For what?
For trying to lure my poor
little girl out alone somewhere,
unescorted and unchaperoned.
Sneak!
Now, Abner, Abner,
that just ain't so.
- I was just bringing her home.
- From where?
- From my house.
ABNER: You see? You see?
But, Abner, Abner, my pa and
Little Joe and everybody was there.
Pa, will you stop
acting so silly?
It wasn't Hoss.
I wouldn't go out with him.
Hoss was just
sticking his big fat nose
into someone's business
he shouldn't have.
Well, if it wasn't
Hoss, who was it?
Well, Mr. Larkin.
Lothario Larkin?
You listen to me, Hoss.
If that friend of yours comes
within 10 miles of my daughter,
I'll blow his head
out of the county.
- You hear? You hear? You hear?
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. I hear,
I hear. I hear, Abner.
All right. All right.
You, get down
out of that surrey.
I have never been so
humiliated in all my born days.
- I am of age.
- I'll decide that. You get down here.
And you, you
remember what I said.
I'll remember, Abner, every
word. I swear, I will. Every word.
ABNER: Get!
Giddap. Giddap, giddap.
Ah. Oh, Ben. Ha, ha.
I tell you, there ain't no
one in this whole wide world
can fry up a mess of
vittles like that Hop Sing.
Beautiful.
Well, I'm sure he'll be very
delighted when I tell him what you said.
- Lothario?
- Hmm.
How long are you planning
on staying around this time?
Just till the...
Till the edge sort of
wears off, you know.
Just how sharp is
the edge this time?
Look, Lothario,
I'm gonna have to
give you a fair warning.
If you go fooling around
Virginia City again,
we're gonna have to cut you down
from one of those cottonwood trees.
LOTHARIO: Fooling around, Ben?
- Yep.
Oh, Ben.
Fooling around.
Well, what would you call it?
Well, I'd call it just
being nice to people.
You know, being good to folks,
practicing the Golden Rule.
The sort of, being onto others
like you'd have
them be unto you.
Oh, for heaven's
sakes, Lothario.
Now, you listen to me.
There are folks right
here in Virginia City
who'd laugh all the way to
Boot Hill the day they buried you.
Mike Gillis for one.
He swears he'll tear you
apart with his bare hands
for leaving his Nancy crying
her eyes out at the church.
Nancy. Heh.
Oh, she was a
mighty pretty little girl.
Took things too much
for granted, though.
I did feel sorry about that.
I think I'll just
mosey on over...
Now, you ain't gonna
mosey nowhere.
Lothario, I want
some words with you.
Oh, Hoss. Heh.
Come on in, Hoss.
You must be hungry.
No. I ain't hungry.
But I'm mad enough to
eat nails, that's what I am.
Oh, who peeved you, Hoss?
You. You peeved me.
You dang near got me
killed, that's what you done.
- What happened?
- Abner Jones like to blew me in half
with that shotgun of
his, that's what he done.
[JOE LAUGHING]
He thought you
were sparking Meg.
- He thought he was...
- And what's so dad-burned funny?
There's nothing funny.
There's nothing funny. I think you
and Meg are gonna be very happy.
Joseph, one of these days, I...
Don't fret yourself none, Hoss.
I'll just amble on over there
and explain it to the old fellow.
No, Lothario... No, no, I
don't want you to do that.
As a matter of fact, I don't want
you to set foot off this Ponderosa.
Now, I don't wanna
seem unhospitable,
but I don't even want you going
into Virginia City. You understand?
Not even on Saturday night?
Especially not on
Saturday nights.
I can feel that edge
starting to get duller already.
You fellows, you don't like
me around here, I guess.
I might just as well pull on
out of here in the morning.
Now, wait a minute, Lothario.
We didn't mean that.
Quit talking like that.
Sure we like you, and we want
you to stay here as long as you like.
I mean, you're welcome here.
Oh, well, now that's
more like it, Hoss.
That's that old
Cartwright hospitality
that's famous all over
the territory. Yes, sir.
Oh, Ben, I'm telling you,
you've done an elegant job
bringing up this big boy of yours.
[LAUGHING]
Yeah, didn't I?
I had a pretty long day.
I guess I better turn in.
I might sleep in a
little in the morning.
[GUITAR PLAYING]
LOTHARIO [SINGING]:
Why has thy merry face
Gone from my side?
Leaving each cherished place
Cheerless and void?
Why has the happy dream
Blended with thee
Passed like a flitting beam
Sweet Laura Lee?
Far from all pleasure
torn Sad and alone
How doth my spirit mourn
While thou art gone?
How like a desert isle
Earth seems to me
Robbed of thy sunny
smile Sweet Laura Lee
You sing sort of pretty.
Oh.
I was just tuning
up your guitar, Hoss.
Oh. It ain't mine. It's
my brother Adam's,
but I'm sure he wouldn't mind.
Anything on your mind?
No. No, not in particular.
Just heard you down
here singing. You sort of...
Sounded sort of lonesome-like.
I expect just sitting
here in front of the fire
looking at it would make
most anybody lonesome.
HOSS: Yeah.
Lothario, you reckon
I'm a close enough friend
to ask a couple of
personal questions?
I reckon.
Well, Lothario, what
makes you tick anyhow?
I mean, all the
drinking and fighting,
and carousing around
with the womenfolk,
getting in all sorts of trouble?
I do got a knack, huh?
Yeah. But the question
is, why do you do it?
Well, I guess it's just
my nature to love, Hoss.
Of course, when a fellow's
fixing to do a little loving,
he's gotta be prepared
to do a little fighting too.
Yeah, but a fellow
can't love all them gals.
I mean, that just ain't natural.
- It ain't?
- No.
I mean, it's just
like an old cougar.
Faithful to nobody and not an ounce
of real love in him. Not an ounce.
Well, leastwise, when
a cougar does go,
he don't leave no tears,
no sadness behind him.
Leastwise, like that old cat,
you're always running
and chasing, ain't you?
Lothario, are you
chasing after something?
Or are you running
away from something?
Is there a Laura Lee?
Well, maybe.
Long time, lot of miles ago.
Something happened to her?
Something happened
to her, all right.
Run into a fancy-talking fellow,
and he filled her with a
pack of sweet talk and big lies.
And she run off with him.
I ain't never seen her since.
So that's it, huh?
That's why you're
playing the cougar game.
You're gonna get back
at all womenfolk, ain't you?
Oh, no, Hoss, that
ain't it. That ain't it at all.
It's just that I...
Well, I keep hoping and hoping
that maybe someday in some way,
I might run into that
same kind of love again.
Leastwise, a fellow's
gotta keep trying, huh?
Yeah.
Yeah, I reckon he has.
- Well, good night, old cougar.
- Good night, Hoss.
Hey, did you hear
Lothario singing last night?
- Yeah, he sings pretty good.
- Yeah, I was surprised.
What do we have to do today?
HOSS: Hey, Pa!
- Well, I don't know.
Pa, he's gone.
He's gone. Adam's
guitar and all.
Dad-burn his ornery hide.
It's all my fault for calling him a cougar.
It started him thinking all over again.
I want you to go out
there. I want you to find him.
And I want you to bring him
back if you have to drag him.
And tomorrow, we escort
him to Carson City personally.
It ain't gonna be easy,
Pa, he could be anywhere.
He ain't gonna go back to Virginia
City and risk getting arrested by Roy.
- Yeah.
- You just find him.
Right, you go out
and help find him.
- Me?
- You. Here.
- Come on, Joe, hurry.
- Yes, sir.
He can get in more trouble accidentally
than most folks can on purpose.
- Come on.
- Hurry up.
- Him and his friends.
- Yeah, go ahead, go out with him.
[GUITAR PLAYING]
Oh, Lothario,
that was beautiful.
Thank you, ma'am.
Why did you run away?
When you left me
standing in the church,
something went out of me,
something warm and beautiful.
How could you've
done it? How could you?
I've been whupping
myself ever since, ma'am.
Have you, Lothario? Have you?
Then why did you do it?
That's what I come back for,
was to explain what happened.
What did happen?
Oh...
I got to thinking
that a fellow like me,
just ain't good enough
for a beautiful girl like you.
- Oh, that's not true.
Why, you... MIKE: Nancy.
Nancy.
It's Pa. Help me down quick.
MIKE: Nancy.
You!
I gotta get going.
I'll explain later.
No. No, you touch one
hair on Lothario's head,
I'll never speak to you again.
I ain't gonna touch
a hair on his head.
I'm gonna break
every bone in his back!
If you do, I'll hold my breath.
I'll hold my breath forever.
[GASPS]
Giddap!
- Get! Get!
- Oh.
You take that side of the
street, and I'll take this side.
We've been looking
for that cougar all day.
This is the last place to look.
I never figured he'd be
fool enough to come in here.
It's the last place we can
look. You look yourself.
I wanna go home, I'm tired.
I'll raise 100.
FRANCINE: Lothario.
- Ha, ha.
LOTHARIO: Put that
bottle right up here, barkeep.
Come, belly up
to the bar, ladies.
I got me a thirst bigger than
a bale of smoked oysters.
Hurry up with
that. Pour them out.
Excuse me, I'm very tired.
Now, don't you forget.
The past is dead... or he is.
You understand?
- Where have you been?
- You know, around here and there.
Lothario.
LOTHARIO: Hoss. Compadre.
Don't you compadre me.
Now, dadburnit, I'm sore.
- How come you run off?
- Hoss, simmer down, simmer down.
Have a drink, here. Here.
- I don't want no drink.
- Well, all right then.
Check me out, I'm going to bed.
Hoss, you know, them
four walls of yours,
well, they just kept closing in
on me like a cage, they was.
It was almost like a jail. It
sort of cramped my style.
A fellow like me has got to...
Ma'am?
Oh, no. No, no, Lothario.
That's a married
woman. Now, come on.
If the sheriff catches
you, you're in trouble.
It's an old friend,
Hoss. This is different.
- Look, but, Loth...
- Ma'am?
Ma'am?
If it's poker you want, I'm
through for the evening.
Oh, I don't want any poker.
Come on, Lothario,
you're gonna get in trouble.
LAURA: Then what do you want?
Is your name Laura?
- Who are you?
- Larkin. Lothario Larkin.
Ha, you must be joking.
Oh, I ain't joking.
And all this time, I've been
looking forward to meeting you.
The great lover, the
legend of the hinterland.
Well, let me give you a
piece of advice, mister.
Stay out here in the country.
You ever get near a civilized
woman, she'd laugh at you,
because you're really
very funny, Mr. Larkin.
I ain't trying to be funny.
I just wanna talk to you.
We have nothing to talk about.
And a word to the
wise, Mr. Larkin,
don't try to step up in class.
Stay with your saloon girls.
They'll talk to anyone
with the price of a drink.
Good night.
You heard what the lady said.
[JOHNNY LAUGHS]
Lothario Larkin.
[CONTINUES LAUGHING]
[MEN LAUGHING]
Lothario. His mother
sure made a mistake
when she named him that.
Shut up. Shut up.
[SNICKERING]
An old friend, huh?
Old friends like
that, you don't need.
Let me tell you something,
you've been lucky.
Gal's been treating
me like that all my life.
It made me feel no worse.
Come on, let's go home.
Get on your feet, Larkin.
Now, Mike, wait a minute.
He ain't doing nothing except sitting
and having a nice peaceful drink.
Oh, he ain't, ain't he?
I caught him out behind the barn
this morning, a-courting my daughter.
Lothario, you didn't.
ABNER: Yeah, he did.
And a couple hours later,
he was sparking my daughter,
and you know it, Hoss.
Now, wait a minute, fellows, there
ain't no cause to make a ruckus.
Lothario, he ain't
feeling too good, no how.
Well, he's gonna
feel a whole lot worse.
Fellows...
Fellows, wait...
Come on, Lothario, there
ain't but two of them, fight back.
Come on, baby, throw
those old guys out of here
and let's get a
little party going.
ABNER: Well, come on, Lothario.
What's the matter?
You too tired to fight?
Fellows. Dadburnit.
Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Dadburnit.
You can see he ain't fighting back.
What do you wanna do, kill him?
That's the idea.
All right, Mike, you're gonna
have to come through me.
Wait a minute, Abner.
Wait a minute, Abner.
Wait a minute. Dadburnit,
I'm gonna have to hit you.
You want me to hit
you? I'm gonna hit you.
ROY: Hold it!
Well, if this ain't a heartwarming
little tableau if I ever did see one.
Looks like you gentlemen
must have had a little
difference of opinion?
We can straighten that
out all over to my place.
Come on, you all
know what the jail is.
Come on, Abner. Oh,
I'm surprised at you.
One of the leading
citizens of this town.
Mike. I'm surprised at you.
And Hoss Cartwright.
If your pa could
only see you now.
Come on, you ain't no exception.
- Don't give me that face. Go on.
- But, Roy...
You know where it is.
And Mr. Larkin.
You always do
seem to brighten up
this little old
dull town of ours.
Now, get.
FRANCINE: Lothario,
you forgot your guitar.
His guitar.
Man that lives as
dangerous as he does,
ought to take up the harp.
I hope you gentlemen slept good.
That'll be $25.
- Twenty-five?
- Well, it was worth it.
ROY: Was it worth it to you,
Mike? MIKE: You're a bandit, Coffee.
ABNER: You, get out of town
before you get yourself killed.
Abner, you wanna
try for the $50?
It might be worth that too.
[GRUNTS]
Come on, Mike.
Don't worry none. Pa
will be here to bail us out.
I took a good look
at myself last night.
Does a fellow good to see himself
the way he really is sometimes. Heh.
Funny old clown, scarecrow,
flapping around, making
empty sounds in the wind.
[LOTHARIO SIGHS]
Tell me something, Hoss,
how can a fellow as ugly as me,
fool himself for so long?
Oh, dadburnit.
Lothario, you ain't ugly.
You ain't no scarecrow
or no clown, neither.
That woman over
there at the saloon...
That Laura, that gambling
woman, she ain't nothing.
She ain't nothing but a tinhorn.
Don't you say that, Hoss.
Don't you never say that.
But, Lothario, I... ROY: Ben.
- Roy.
Now, you boys certainly covered
yourselves with glory, didn't you?
- How much, Roy?
- Twenty-five dollars a head.
Twenty-five?
Well, it may seem a mite
high, but we're limited on space.
Here's your 50.
All right, Hoss.
BEN: Congratulations.
ROY: You too, Lothario.
I ain't going.
You give me 30 days,
and I'm gonna sit right
here and serve them.
What's the matter with him?
He ain't been himself, Pa.
Come on, Lothario, we'll
go get us some breakfast,
you'll feel a heap
better. Come on.
No, sir.
I know my rights. I'm
gonna stay right here.
Now, you give me any more
trouble, I'll give you 60 days.
Thank you, sheriff.
Well, he's not gonna give
you any trouble staying in there.
You wanna bet?
Look, Lothario, your
fine has been paid.
Any time you wanna
leave, you're free to leave.
- Come on, Hoss.
- Yes, sir.
- Now, what happened?
- Ain't it pitiful?
What happened?
He's been like that ever since
he had that run-in with Laura
over there at the Sazerac. Man,
she lit into him something fierce.
Yeah, anybody who plays around
as much as that Lothario does,
is bound to get chewed
out once in a while.
Pa, I got a feeling
this is different.
I got a notion that this is
the same Laura he loved.
Huh?
Well, anyway, it's
none of our business.
I'm gonna get me a shave
and a haircut. You coming?
Now, Pa, wait a minute.
If it is the same Laura, and
they did once know each other,
and sort of liked each other...
Now, Hoss, she's a
married woman, isn't she?
- Well, yeah, but...
- You know she is.
When it comes to
men and womenfolk,
it's a wise man who doesn't stick
his nose where it doesn't belong.
Yeah, anyhow, I'd like to
know if that's the same Laura
- he sings about in that song.
- Yeah.
I'll see you.
FRANCINE: It broke my heart
the way she ripped into him, Hoss.
Yeah.
Hey, look, Francine.
You being a woman,
maybe you can tell me why.
Why did she light
into him so, anyhow?
Well, there's two reasons
that'll make a woman cut
up a man pretty bad, Hoss.
She either hates him
or she loves him
and can't have him.
And something tells
me she don't hate him.
Yeah, me too.
Dadburnit, if she
just wasn't married.
She ain't.
She ain't? She ain't married?
How do you know that?
Well, like you say, Hoss,
me being a woman, I'm nosey.
And it kind of bothered me
when I saw she was
living in one room,
and he was living in another.
So I asked her.
Francine, I just
love a nosey gal.
Excuse me.
A fellow could get
in a lot of trouble
sticking his nose
where it don't belong.
Yeah, Pa told me that.
As a matter of fact, that's
exactly what Pa told me.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Come in.
Oh, excuse me, ma'am.
It's all right, come in.
What do you want?
I wanna... I wanna
talk to you about a...
About a mutual friend of ours.
Lothario Larkin.
That clown who
was here last night?
Ma'am, he ain't no
clown, and you know it.
He's very much in love with you.
Are you out of your mind? I
never saw the man before last night.
Ever since you ran away from
him, he's been searching for you.
You or somebody like you.
Grieving his heart out.
Will you get out of here?
Not until you promise
you'll come over, and tell him
that you didn't mean all those
things you said to him the other night.
It'll mean the
whole world to him.
I told you, I never
saw the man before.
Now, get out of here
and leave me alone.
Yes, ma'am.
I reckon I did make
a mistake at that.
I'm sorry to have been
any bother to you, ma'am.
And I'm sorry you're
not that other Laura too.
Sorry for both of you.
I'm sorry too.
That's the girl he's
looking for, Hoss.
She died a long time ago.
What you're looking at
now is just a cheap imitation.
I'm leaving today, Hoss.
Just tell him he made a mistake.
No, ma'am.
You're the one that's making
the mistake, Laura, not him.
The girl in this picture
is still very much alive.
All you gotta do is wash
some of that paint off your face,
and put on a nice
simple dress like this one.
You wouldn't be a bit
different than you were
when you were both together.
Come on, you do like I said.
I'll be waiting for
you downstairs.
If you know what's good for you,
you'll get out of town
and keep going, Hoss.
I found you in my
wife's bedroom.
That's legal grounds
for killing, Hoss.
That's right,
if she were really your wife.
The man's got a point.
Ma'am, I'll see you
down... [GRUNTS]
Like I said, ma'am, I'll
meet you downstairs.
I'll kill him. So
help me, I'll kill him.
You'll have no cause
to kill anyone, Johnny.
We're going away
today, together.
Hi, Roy.
Hey, Lothario, come on.
Come on. She still loves
you. I know she does.
Tell her right now, she's leaving
town. This is your last chance.
- I don't feel nothing for her.
- Come on.
Hey, sheriff.
This fellow's trying to bust me
out of jail and that's against the law.
Oh, for gosh sakes,
Roy, will you tell him...?
Lothario, didn't you hear me?
I heard you, Hoss.
Of all the hard-headed,
cantankerous,
stubborn jackasses I've
ever run into in my life,
you take the blue ribbon.
[LOTHARIO PLAYING THE GUITAR]
All right.
All right.
Fine sheriff you
turned out to be.
You can't even bust a
man out of your own jail.
I heard you, Hoss.
I heard you.
[LOTHARIO CONTINUES
PLAYING GUITAR]
LOTHARIO [SINGING]:
Why has thy merry face
Gone from my side?
Leaving each cherished place
Cheerless and void?
Why has the happy
dream Blended with thee
Passed like a flitting beam
Sweet Laura Lee?
Goodbye, my darling.
LOTHARIO: Far
from all pleasure torn
Sad and alone How
doth my spirit mourn
While thou art gone?
How like a desert
isle Earth seems to me
Robbed of thy sunny
smile Sweet Laura Lee
Hi.
Hey, Pa! Pa! Come out
here a minute. Come here, Pa.
BEN: Aah! Oh.
What's all the shouting
about? Can't you see I'm...?
Pa, I want you to go to the
preacher's house. Get him.
There's gonna be a wedding.
Lothario is gonna get married.
Hoss, I'm getting a...
- Lothario's getting married?
- Yep.
It's gonna be a church wedding.
- Get the preacher.
- A church wedding?
Ain't that nice?
Hey, Dave. Dave, hurry
up and finish me up here.
You've been over to
see him, haven't you?
No, I didn't see him.
You're a liar.
[LAURA GRUNTS]
LAURA: I told you,
I didn't see him.
JOHNNY: I said I want the truth.
[LAURA GRUNTS]
All right, Johnny, I've had
about all I'm gonna put up with.
Hadn't of been for you,
there wouldn't be no trouble.
Now, you get out of here
before I break you in half.
Look out, Hoss.
All right, Johnny,
you had enough?
LAURA: No!
Go...
Ready? Let's go.
No, I don't wanna see him.
Ma'am.
Oh.
Oh, come on, let me out of here.
Please let me out.
I want out!
Roy, what do you say
me and you step outside
where it's peaceful
and quiet, huh?
LAURA: I want out!
Oh. It is kind of
noisy in here, isn't it?
Yeah.
LAURA: Please let me out.
[GROANS]
What did you do that
they throwed you in here?
I didn't do anything.
That big lug just
picked me up and...
Oh, Hoss.
Oh, you're wondering
about the door.
They wouldn't lock me in.
Don't you worry, I'll get
them to let you right out.
You haven't changed
a bit, Lothario.
Oh, I expect not.
Same funny old clown.
Funny old lover.
I didn't mean those things.
- You didn't?
- Mm.
You look tired.
Well, it's been a lot of years.
A lot of miles.
And a lot of women.
[SIGHS]
If you don't mind
my saying so, ma'am,
you're more beautiful than ever.
It's time you knew
the truth about me,
so you can be rid of
me once and for all.
I'm not at all the girl you
knew a long time ago.
There've been too many towns,
too many saloons,
too many backrooms,
but never a wedding.
You mean, you ain't
never been married?
I'm leaving today, Lothario.
And now that you know,
you can forget all about
that girl you once loved.
Oh, no, ma'am.
You was right about one thing.
You ain't nothing like that little girl.
She didn't know nothing
about living or loving or sharing.
She was just a little girl.
But you're a grown-up woman.
I loved that little girl,
but I could just worship
that woman if she'd let me.
And don't you see?
We're sort of like
two peas in a pod, you and me.
We've done about
everything there is to do
and we've been about
every place there is to go...
except home.
You mean that fellow
never married you?
Excuse me, ma'am.
Hey, Lothario, I've got the...
Isn't he the
gentleman that I...?
Oh, Hoss, I found the prea...
Stand up.
Because I'm coming to you.
Hey!
- Hoss!
- Wait a minute.
Now, dadburnit, Abner...
Abner, you're gonna
make me hit you...
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute.
According to the
powers vested in me,
I do hereby declare
my intentions
of joining these two together
in the holy bonds of matrimony.
If anyone objects, let him speak
now or forever hold his peace.
Well, I do.
You shut up.
Go ahead, Reverend.
Do you, Laura, take this man to
be your lawful wedded husband?
I do.
And do you, Lothario, take this
woman to be your lawful wedded wife?
Yes, I do.
Ring.
MINISTER: So be it.
I do hereby pronounce
you man and wife.
Phew.
Well, Hoss, old compadre,
I'll be seeing you.
Yeah, well, don't rush.
Don't rush, Lothario. You
just have a nice honeymoon.
All right. So long, Ben.
- So long.
- Giddap.
- Have a good time. ROY: Bye.
LAURA: Bye. LOTHARIO: Bye.
Oh.
Oh.
[HOSS SIGHS]
The end of an era, Hoss.
That's what it is.
Yep, and the end
of a cougar, huh, Pa?
You know, we're gonna
miss that little fellow.
Yeah, well, you come
along with me, Cupid,
because the champagne's on you.
All right.
ANNOUNCER: This has
been a color presentation
of the NBC Television Network.
program is brought to you
in living color on NBC.
- Unh!
- Oh, excuse me, Roy.
Doggone it, I was going through
the mail here. I wasn't paying...
It's all right, Hoss.
I got no time for
no chitchat, though.
What's the matter?
You got trouble?
Not if I find him first,
and there's his rig.
- Whose rig?
- That Lothario Larkin is back in town.
Lothario Larkin.
Well, I'll be doggone.
Who would've figured old Lothario
could've ever afforded a rig like this?
Gonna be nice to
see that coot again.
The only place you're
gonna see him is in my jail,
when I find him.
Oh, now, Roy, there ain't
nothing wrong with Lothario.
He's a pretty nice fellow. He's just
maybe a little too friendly. Ha-ha-ha.
I told him last time I
threw him out of town,
when he comes back, it's
gonna be to a nice, safe jail cell.
- You any idea where he's at?
- Well...
[CRASHING AND CLANGING]
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
Does that answer your question?
Come on.
[PUNCHING]
ROY: Whoa!
[PUNCHING CONTINUES]
Ah.
You see that, Roy? Picking
that stuff up, he's changed.
You wanna bet?
Ladies, now that everything
is peaceful and quiet,
will you join me at the bar?
[LAUGHING]
- You haven't changed a bit. Ha-ha-ha.
- Oh.
Hoss! Hey!
Compadre!
Ha, ha. Come in, Hoss.
Hi there, Lothario. Ha, ha.
Oh, bigger and
prettier than ever, Hoss.
Well, thank you, Lothario.
You look pretty good
yourself. Right prosperous-like.
Oh, I am. I got me a little
gold mine over in Californy.
As a matter of fact,
I've been doing so good,
I decided to come over
here and take a little vacation
and, um, ha, renew
old friendships.
Mr. Larkin, the only old
friendships you're gonna renew
is through the bars
of one of my jail cells.
I told you last time you
were here, if you came back,
- I'd throw you in
jail. HOSS: Oh, Roy.
All right, then, I'll
give him his choice.
In the jail or out
of the town. One.
Ahh. Too bad, Hoss.
Their gentlemen friends
decided to leave very suddenly,
and we could've had
ourselves a nice party. Heh.
No, thank you, Lothario.
Oh, Hoss, that reminds
me. I owe you something.
You remember the last time
Roy throwed me out of town,
- you staked me?
- You don't have to do that, Lothario.
No, I wanna give
it back. I'm rich.
Besides, I owe you a lot
more than money, Hoss.
Lothario, time is a-wasting.
Well, you ladies might just
as well spend this yourselves.
Looks like I'm leaving.
FRANCINE: Oh, but,
Lothario, you just got here.
ROY: But like he
said, he's just leaving.
Now, come on.
LOTHARIO: Oh, it means I
gotta take another long ride.
I hurt my back coming in
yesterday, and this tussle and...
Hoss, can you see anything?
It feels like a muscle
spasm or something.
If it's a muscle spasm,
you need some liniment oil.
If you could make it
out to the Ponderosa,
you could spend the night tonight,
then get a fresh start in the morning.
LOTHARIO: Aw.
Oh, Hoss, that
sounds just wonderful.
I'd get to see your pa
again, and the brothers,
and it wouldn't make my
trip seem near so wasted.
Yeah, well, what about it, Roy?
So long as he's
out of Virginia City.
Come on.
Oh, Hoss.
I just remembered, there's...
something I gotta
pick up before I go out.
So why don't you go ahead, and
then I'll come out later, all right?
- Roy?
- All right, do what you have to do.
But be on your way in
a half hour, you hear?
I promise, sheriff. I promise.
It's him, isn't it?
It's really him.
What's the matter, Laura,
does he bring back regrets?
No, but... Let's get
away from here. I...
The money and the action is here.
We stay just as long as it's profitable.
And, Laura...
don't get any ideas.
For his sake. Understand?
Hoss, how could you do it?
How could you do it?
How could you let Lothario
loose in Virginia City again?
Pa, he gave me his word of honor
that he's gonna
stay out of trouble.
Now, he just wanted to
pick up something, that's all.
Hoss, he's like an old cougar.
A cougar's got no honor.
Look, maybe something
happened to him.
JOE: Yeah. Yeah, something nice.
Something romantic.
Little brother, you've got
a mighty suspicious mind.
Yeah, when it comes
to Lothario, you bet I do.
Look, uh, I better get started.
Adam's gonna be looking for me.
Be back in a couple days. We'll
have those wild horses hobbled.
You just sit right down
again, young man.
We're gonna need you
more than Adam does.
We're gonna be
mighty unpopular people
unless we can keep
that Lothario hobbled.
LOTHARIO: Hey, we're here!
Start hobbling.
Ben. Little Joe.
Well, he wasn't lying.
He picked up something.
Oh, no, it's Meg Jones.
Her old man will kill him.
- Ah, Ben.
- Lothario.
- Joe. So good to see you fellows.
- Lothario. Hi, Meg.
Oh, it seems like it's
been a million years, huh?
Yeah, well, seems just like
yesterday to me, Lothario.
I hope we ain't late for dinner. We're
hungrier than a whale in a mini pond.
Oh, Ben, I brought
a beautiful rose
to decorate your dinner table.
Yeah, you sure did, Lothario.
- Excuse me. Excuse
me. LOTHARIO: Mm-hm.
Meg?
Does your pa know
that you're buggy-riding
with Lothario?
No, but he can't
stop me. I'm of age.
Yeah, ahem, well,
I guess you are.
I think it might be best if Hoss
was to take you home
right now, young lady.
Oh, wait a minute, Ben.
What are you taking about?
This is kind of discourteous...
Uncourteous, rude
and uncivilized.
Lothario, you're
coming this way.
- No, Ben, now wait...
- Lothario.
My goodness gracious.
Now, come on...
All I can say is you Cartwrights
are mighty high-handed.
[BEN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Whoa, ho.
Now, Meg, you ain't got no call
to be so dad-burned sore at me.
It's just like Pa said.
You ain't got no business running
around with a man like Lothario Larkin.
He's broke more
hearts than half...
Why, you sanctimonious bag
of wind. Why don't you shut up?
Yeah, I just figured
on doing that.
- You.
- Oh, hi, Abner. Sure is a pretty day.
I always suspicioned
you, Hoss, I always did.
For what?
For trying to lure my poor
little girl out alone somewhere,
unescorted and unchaperoned.
Sneak!
Now, Abner, Abner,
that just ain't so.
- I was just bringing her home.
- From where?
- From my house.
ABNER: You see? You see?
But, Abner, Abner, my pa and
Little Joe and everybody was there.
Pa, will you stop
acting so silly?
It wasn't Hoss.
I wouldn't go out with him.
Hoss was just
sticking his big fat nose
into someone's business
he shouldn't have.
Well, if it wasn't
Hoss, who was it?
Well, Mr. Larkin.
Lothario Larkin?
You listen to me, Hoss.
If that friend of yours comes
within 10 miles of my daughter,
I'll blow his head
out of the county.
- You hear? You hear? You hear?
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. I hear,
I hear. I hear, Abner.
All right. All right.
You, get down
out of that surrey.
I have never been so
humiliated in all my born days.
- I am of age.
- I'll decide that. You get down here.
And you, you
remember what I said.
I'll remember, Abner, every
word. I swear, I will. Every word.
ABNER: Get!
Giddap. Giddap, giddap.
Ah. Oh, Ben. Ha, ha.
I tell you, there ain't no
one in this whole wide world
can fry up a mess of
vittles like that Hop Sing.
Beautiful.
Well, I'm sure he'll be very
delighted when I tell him what you said.
- Lothario?
- Hmm.
How long are you planning
on staying around this time?
Just till the...
Till the edge sort of
wears off, you know.
Just how sharp is
the edge this time?
Look, Lothario,
I'm gonna have to
give you a fair warning.
If you go fooling around
Virginia City again,
we're gonna have to cut you down
from one of those cottonwood trees.
LOTHARIO: Fooling around, Ben?
- Yep.
Oh, Ben.
Fooling around.
Well, what would you call it?
Well, I'd call it just
being nice to people.
You know, being good to folks,
practicing the Golden Rule.
The sort of, being onto others
like you'd have
them be unto you.
Oh, for heaven's
sakes, Lothario.
Now, you listen to me.
There are folks right
here in Virginia City
who'd laugh all the way to
Boot Hill the day they buried you.
Mike Gillis for one.
He swears he'll tear you
apart with his bare hands
for leaving his Nancy crying
her eyes out at the church.
Nancy. Heh.
Oh, she was a
mighty pretty little girl.
Took things too much
for granted, though.
I did feel sorry about that.
I think I'll just
mosey on over...
Now, you ain't gonna
mosey nowhere.
Lothario, I want
some words with you.
Oh, Hoss. Heh.
Come on in, Hoss.
You must be hungry.
No. I ain't hungry.
But I'm mad enough to
eat nails, that's what I am.
Oh, who peeved you, Hoss?
You. You peeved me.
You dang near got me
killed, that's what you done.
- What happened?
- Abner Jones like to blew me in half
with that shotgun of
his, that's what he done.
[JOE LAUGHING]
He thought you
were sparking Meg.
- He thought he was...
- And what's so dad-burned funny?
There's nothing funny.
There's nothing funny. I think you
and Meg are gonna be very happy.
Joseph, one of these days, I...
Don't fret yourself none, Hoss.
I'll just amble on over there
and explain it to the old fellow.
No, Lothario... No, no, I
don't want you to do that.
As a matter of fact, I don't want
you to set foot off this Ponderosa.
Now, I don't wanna
seem unhospitable,
but I don't even want you going
into Virginia City. You understand?
Not even on Saturday night?
Especially not on
Saturday nights.
I can feel that edge
starting to get duller already.
You fellows, you don't like
me around here, I guess.
I might just as well pull on
out of here in the morning.
Now, wait a minute, Lothario.
We didn't mean that.
Quit talking like that.
Sure we like you, and we want
you to stay here as long as you like.
I mean, you're welcome here.
Oh, well, now that's
more like it, Hoss.
That's that old
Cartwright hospitality
that's famous all over
the territory. Yes, sir.
Oh, Ben, I'm telling you,
you've done an elegant job
bringing up this big boy of yours.
[LAUGHING]
Yeah, didn't I?
I had a pretty long day.
I guess I better turn in.
I might sleep in a
little in the morning.
[GUITAR PLAYING]
LOTHARIO [SINGING]:
Why has thy merry face
Gone from my side?
Leaving each cherished place
Cheerless and void?
Why has the happy dream
Blended with thee
Passed like a flitting beam
Sweet Laura Lee?
Far from all pleasure
torn Sad and alone
How doth my spirit mourn
While thou art gone?
How like a desert isle
Earth seems to me
Robbed of thy sunny
smile Sweet Laura Lee
You sing sort of pretty.
Oh.
I was just tuning
up your guitar, Hoss.
Oh. It ain't mine. It's
my brother Adam's,
but I'm sure he wouldn't mind.
Anything on your mind?
No. No, not in particular.
Just heard you down
here singing. You sort of...
Sounded sort of lonesome-like.
I expect just sitting
here in front of the fire
looking at it would make
most anybody lonesome.
HOSS: Yeah.
Lothario, you reckon
I'm a close enough friend
to ask a couple of
personal questions?
I reckon.
Well, Lothario, what
makes you tick anyhow?
I mean, all the
drinking and fighting,
and carousing around
with the womenfolk,
getting in all sorts of trouble?
I do got a knack, huh?
Yeah. But the question
is, why do you do it?
Well, I guess it's just
my nature to love, Hoss.
Of course, when a fellow's
fixing to do a little loving,
he's gotta be prepared
to do a little fighting too.
Yeah, but a fellow
can't love all them gals.
I mean, that just ain't natural.
- It ain't?
- No.
I mean, it's just
like an old cougar.
Faithful to nobody and not an ounce
of real love in him. Not an ounce.
Well, leastwise, when
a cougar does go,
he don't leave no tears,
no sadness behind him.
Leastwise, like that old cat,
you're always running
and chasing, ain't you?
Lothario, are you
chasing after something?
Or are you running
away from something?
Is there a Laura Lee?
Well, maybe.
Long time, lot of miles ago.
Something happened to her?
Something happened
to her, all right.
Run into a fancy-talking fellow,
and he filled her with a
pack of sweet talk and big lies.
And she run off with him.
I ain't never seen her since.
So that's it, huh?
That's why you're
playing the cougar game.
You're gonna get back
at all womenfolk, ain't you?
Oh, no, Hoss, that
ain't it. That ain't it at all.
It's just that I...
Well, I keep hoping and hoping
that maybe someday in some way,
I might run into that
same kind of love again.
Leastwise, a fellow's
gotta keep trying, huh?
Yeah.
Yeah, I reckon he has.
- Well, good night, old cougar.
- Good night, Hoss.
Hey, did you hear
Lothario singing last night?
- Yeah, he sings pretty good.
- Yeah, I was surprised.
What do we have to do today?
HOSS: Hey, Pa!
- Well, I don't know.
Pa, he's gone.
He's gone. Adam's
guitar and all.
Dad-burn his ornery hide.
It's all my fault for calling him a cougar.
It started him thinking all over again.
I want you to go out
there. I want you to find him.
And I want you to bring him
back if you have to drag him.
And tomorrow, we escort
him to Carson City personally.
It ain't gonna be easy,
Pa, he could be anywhere.
He ain't gonna go back to Virginia
City and risk getting arrested by Roy.
- Yeah.
- You just find him.
Right, you go out
and help find him.
- Me?
- You. Here.
- Come on, Joe, hurry.
- Yes, sir.
He can get in more trouble accidentally
than most folks can on purpose.
- Come on.
- Hurry up.
- Him and his friends.
- Yeah, go ahead, go out with him.
[GUITAR PLAYING]
Oh, Lothario,
that was beautiful.
Thank you, ma'am.
Why did you run away?
When you left me
standing in the church,
something went out of me,
something warm and beautiful.
How could you've
done it? How could you?
I've been whupping
myself ever since, ma'am.
Have you, Lothario? Have you?
Then why did you do it?
That's what I come back for,
was to explain what happened.
What did happen?
Oh...
I got to thinking
that a fellow like me,
just ain't good enough
for a beautiful girl like you.
- Oh, that's not true.
Why, you... MIKE: Nancy.
Nancy.
It's Pa. Help me down quick.
MIKE: Nancy.
You!
I gotta get going.
I'll explain later.
No. No, you touch one
hair on Lothario's head,
I'll never speak to you again.
I ain't gonna touch
a hair on his head.
I'm gonna break
every bone in his back!
If you do, I'll hold my breath.
I'll hold my breath forever.
[GASPS]
Giddap!
- Get! Get!
- Oh.
You take that side of the
street, and I'll take this side.
We've been looking
for that cougar all day.
This is the last place to look.
I never figured he'd be
fool enough to come in here.
It's the last place we can
look. You look yourself.
I wanna go home, I'm tired.
I'll raise 100.
FRANCINE: Lothario.
- Ha, ha.
LOTHARIO: Put that
bottle right up here, barkeep.
Come, belly up
to the bar, ladies.
I got me a thirst bigger than
a bale of smoked oysters.
Hurry up with
that. Pour them out.
Excuse me, I'm very tired.
Now, don't you forget.
The past is dead... or he is.
You understand?
- Where have you been?
- You know, around here and there.
Lothario.
LOTHARIO: Hoss. Compadre.
Don't you compadre me.
Now, dadburnit, I'm sore.
- How come you run off?
- Hoss, simmer down, simmer down.
Have a drink, here. Here.
- I don't want no drink.
- Well, all right then.
Check me out, I'm going to bed.
Hoss, you know, them
four walls of yours,
well, they just kept closing in
on me like a cage, they was.
It was almost like a jail. It
sort of cramped my style.
A fellow like me has got to...
Ma'am?
Oh, no. No, no, Lothario.
That's a married
woman. Now, come on.
If the sheriff catches
you, you're in trouble.
It's an old friend,
Hoss. This is different.
- Look, but, Loth...
- Ma'am?
Ma'am?
If it's poker you want, I'm
through for the evening.
Oh, I don't want any poker.
Come on, Lothario,
you're gonna get in trouble.
LAURA: Then what do you want?
Is your name Laura?
- Who are you?
- Larkin. Lothario Larkin.
Ha, you must be joking.
Oh, I ain't joking.
And all this time, I've been
looking forward to meeting you.
The great lover, the
legend of the hinterland.
Well, let me give you a
piece of advice, mister.
Stay out here in the country.
You ever get near a civilized
woman, she'd laugh at you,
because you're really
very funny, Mr. Larkin.
I ain't trying to be funny.
I just wanna talk to you.
We have nothing to talk about.
And a word to the
wise, Mr. Larkin,
don't try to step up in class.
Stay with your saloon girls.
They'll talk to anyone
with the price of a drink.
Good night.
You heard what the lady said.
[JOHNNY LAUGHS]
Lothario Larkin.
[CONTINUES LAUGHING]
[MEN LAUGHING]
Lothario. His mother
sure made a mistake
when she named him that.
Shut up. Shut up.
[SNICKERING]
An old friend, huh?
Old friends like
that, you don't need.
Let me tell you something,
you've been lucky.
Gal's been treating
me like that all my life.
It made me feel no worse.
Come on, let's go home.
Get on your feet, Larkin.
Now, Mike, wait a minute.
He ain't doing nothing except sitting
and having a nice peaceful drink.
Oh, he ain't, ain't he?
I caught him out behind the barn
this morning, a-courting my daughter.
Lothario, you didn't.
ABNER: Yeah, he did.
And a couple hours later,
he was sparking my daughter,
and you know it, Hoss.
Now, wait a minute, fellows, there
ain't no cause to make a ruckus.
Lothario, he ain't
feeling too good, no how.
Well, he's gonna
feel a whole lot worse.
Fellows...
Fellows, wait...
Come on, Lothario, there
ain't but two of them, fight back.
Come on, baby, throw
those old guys out of here
and let's get a
little party going.
ABNER: Well, come on, Lothario.
What's the matter?
You too tired to fight?
Fellows. Dadburnit.
Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Dadburnit.
You can see he ain't fighting back.
What do you wanna do, kill him?
That's the idea.
All right, Mike, you're gonna
have to come through me.
Wait a minute, Abner.
Wait a minute, Abner.
Wait a minute. Dadburnit,
I'm gonna have to hit you.
You want me to hit
you? I'm gonna hit you.
ROY: Hold it!
Well, if this ain't a heartwarming
little tableau if I ever did see one.
Looks like you gentlemen
must have had a little
difference of opinion?
We can straighten that
out all over to my place.
Come on, you all
know what the jail is.
Come on, Abner. Oh,
I'm surprised at you.
One of the leading
citizens of this town.
Mike. I'm surprised at you.
And Hoss Cartwright.
If your pa could
only see you now.
Come on, you ain't no exception.
- Don't give me that face. Go on.
- But, Roy...
You know where it is.
And Mr. Larkin.
You always do
seem to brighten up
this little old
dull town of ours.
Now, get.
FRANCINE: Lothario,
you forgot your guitar.
His guitar.
Man that lives as
dangerous as he does,
ought to take up the harp.
I hope you gentlemen slept good.
That'll be $25.
- Twenty-five?
- Well, it was worth it.
ROY: Was it worth it to you,
Mike? MIKE: You're a bandit, Coffee.
ABNER: You, get out of town
before you get yourself killed.
Abner, you wanna
try for the $50?
It might be worth that too.
[GRUNTS]
Come on, Mike.
Don't worry none. Pa
will be here to bail us out.
I took a good look
at myself last night.
Does a fellow good to see himself
the way he really is sometimes. Heh.
Funny old clown, scarecrow,
flapping around, making
empty sounds in the wind.
[LOTHARIO SIGHS]
Tell me something, Hoss,
how can a fellow as ugly as me,
fool himself for so long?
Oh, dadburnit.
Lothario, you ain't ugly.
You ain't no scarecrow
or no clown, neither.
That woman over
there at the saloon...
That Laura, that gambling
woman, she ain't nothing.
She ain't nothing but a tinhorn.
Don't you say that, Hoss.
Don't you never say that.
But, Lothario, I... ROY: Ben.
- Roy.
Now, you boys certainly covered
yourselves with glory, didn't you?
- How much, Roy?
- Twenty-five dollars a head.
Twenty-five?
Well, it may seem a mite
high, but we're limited on space.
Here's your 50.
All right, Hoss.
BEN: Congratulations.
ROY: You too, Lothario.
I ain't going.
You give me 30 days,
and I'm gonna sit right
here and serve them.
What's the matter with him?
He ain't been himself, Pa.
Come on, Lothario, we'll
go get us some breakfast,
you'll feel a heap
better. Come on.
No, sir.
I know my rights. I'm
gonna stay right here.
Now, you give me any more
trouble, I'll give you 60 days.
Thank you, sheriff.
Well, he's not gonna give
you any trouble staying in there.
You wanna bet?
Look, Lothario, your
fine has been paid.
Any time you wanna
leave, you're free to leave.
- Come on, Hoss.
- Yes, sir.
- Now, what happened?
- Ain't it pitiful?
What happened?
He's been like that ever since
he had that run-in with Laura
over there at the Sazerac. Man,
she lit into him something fierce.
Yeah, anybody who plays around
as much as that Lothario does,
is bound to get chewed
out once in a while.
Pa, I got a feeling
this is different.
I got a notion that this is
the same Laura he loved.
Huh?
Well, anyway, it's
none of our business.
I'm gonna get me a shave
and a haircut. You coming?
Now, Pa, wait a minute.
If it is the same Laura, and
they did once know each other,
and sort of liked each other...
Now, Hoss, she's a
married woman, isn't she?
- Well, yeah, but...
- You know she is.
When it comes to
men and womenfolk,
it's a wise man who doesn't stick
his nose where it doesn't belong.
Yeah, anyhow, I'd like to
know if that's the same Laura
- he sings about in that song.
- Yeah.
I'll see you.
FRANCINE: It broke my heart
the way she ripped into him, Hoss.
Yeah.
Hey, look, Francine.
You being a woman,
maybe you can tell me why.
Why did she light
into him so, anyhow?
Well, there's two reasons
that'll make a woman cut
up a man pretty bad, Hoss.
She either hates him
or she loves him
and can't have him.
And something tells
me she don't hate him.
Yeah, me too.
Dadburnit, if she
just wasn't married.
She ain't.
She ain't? She ain't married?
How do you know that?
Well, like you say, Hoss,
me being a woman, I'm nosey.
And it kind of bothered me
when I saw she was
living in one room,
and he was living in another.
So I asked her.
Francine, I just
love a nosey gal.
Excuse me.
A fellow could get
in a lot of trouble
sticking his nose
where it don't belong.
Yeah, Pa told me that.
As a matter of fact, that's
exactly what Pa told me.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Come in.
Oh, excuse me, ma'am.
It's all right, come in.
What do you want?
I wanna... I wanna
talk to you about a...
About a mutual friend of ours.
Lothario Larkin.
That clown who
was here last night?
Ma'am, he ain't no
clown, and you know it.
He's very much in love with you.
Are you out of your mind? I
never saw the man before last night.
Ever since you ran away from
him, he's been searching for you.
You or somebody like you.
Grieving his heart out.
Will you get out of here?
Not until you promise
you'll come over, and tell him
that you didn't mean all those
things you said to him the other night.
It'll mean the
whole world to him.
I told you, I never
saw the man before.
Now, get out of here
and leave me alone.
Yes, ma'am.
I reckon I did make
a mistake at that.
I'm sorry to have been
any bother to you, ma'am.
And I'm sorry you're
not that other Laura too.
Sorry for both of you.
I'm sorry too.
That's the girl he's
looking for, Hoss.
She died a long time ago.
What you're looking at
now is just a cheap imitation.
I'm leaving today, Hoss.
Just tell him he made a mistake.
No, ma'am.
You're the one that's making
the mistake, Laura, not him.
The girl in this picture
is still very much alive.
All you gotta do is wash
some of that paint off your face,
and put on a nice
simple dress like this one.
You wouldn't be a bit
different than you were
when you were both together.
Come on, you do like I said.
I'll be waiting for
you downstairs.
If you know what's good for you,
you'll get out of town
and keep going, Hoss.
I found you in my
wife's bedroom.
That's legal grounds
for killing, Hoss.
That's right,
if she were really your wife.
The man's got a point.
Ma'am, I'll see you
down... [GRUNTS]
Like I said, ma'am, I'll
meet you downstairs.
I'll kill him. So
help me, I'll kill him.
You'll have no cause
to kill anyone, Johnny.
We're going away
today, together.
Hi, Roy.
Hey, Lothario, come on.
Come on. She still loves
you. I know she does.
Tell her right now, she's leaving
town. This is your last chance.
- I don't feel nothing for her.
- Come on.
Hey, sheriff.
This fellow's trying to bust me
out of jail and that's against the law.
Oh, for gosh sakes,
Roy, will you tell him...?
Lothario, didn't you hear me?
I heard you, Hoss.
Of all the hard-headed,
cantankerous,
stubborn jackasses I've
ever run into in my life,
you take the blue ribbon.
[LOTHARIO PLAYING THE GUITAR]
All right.
All right.
Fine sheriff you
turned out to be.
You can't even bust a
man out of your own jail.
I heard you, Hoss.
I heard you.
[LOTHARIO CONTINUES
PLAYING GUITAR]
LOTHARIO [SINGING]:
Why has thy merry face
Gone from my side?
Leaving each cherished place
Cheerless and void?
Why has the happy
dream Blended with thee
Passed like a flitting beam
Sweet Laura Lee?
Goodbye, my darling.
LOTHARIO: Far
from all pleasure torn
Sad and alone How
doth my spirit mourn
While thou art gone?
How like a desert
isle Earth seems to me
Robbed of thy sunny
smile Sweet Laura Lee
Hi.
Hey, Pa! Pa! Come out
here a minute. Come here, Pa.
BEN: Aah! Oh.
What's all the shouting
about? Can't you see I'm...?
Pa, I want you to go to the
preacher's house. Get him.
There's gonna be a wedding.
Lothario is gonna get married.
Hoss, I'm getting a...
- Lothario's getting married?
- Yep.
It's gonna be a church wedding.
- Get the preacher.
- A church wedding?
Ain't that nice?
Hey, Dave. Dave, hurry
up and finish me up here.
You've been over to
see him, haven't you?
No, I didn't see him.
You're a liar.
[LAURA GRUNTS]
LAURA: I told you,
I didn't see him.
JOHNNY: I said I want the truth.
[LAURA GRUNTS]
All right, Johnny, I've had
about all I'm gonna put up with.
Hadn't of been for you,
there wouldn't be no trouble.
Now, you get out of here
before I break you in half.
Look out, Hoss.
All right, Johnny,
you had enough?
LAURA: No!
Go...
Ready? Let's go.
No, I don't wanna see him.
Ma'am.
Oh.
Oh, come on, let me out of here.
Please let me out.
I want out!
Roy, what do you say
me and you step outside
where it's peaceful
and quiet, huh?
LAURA: I want out!
Oh. It is kind of
noisy in here, isn't it?
Yeah.
LAURA: Please let me out.
[GROANS]
What did you do that
they throwed you in here?
I didn't do anything.
That big lug just
picked me up and...
Oh, Hoss.
Oh, you're wondering
about the door.
They wouldn't lock me in.
Don't you worry, I'll get
them to let you right out.
You haven't changed
a bit, Lothario.
Oh, I expect not.
Same funny old clown.
Funny old lover.
I didn't mean those things.
- You didn't?
- Mm.
You look tired.
Well, it's been a lot of years.
A lot of miles.
And a lot of women.
[SIGHS]
If you don't mind
my saying so, ma'am,
you're more beautiful than ever.
It's time you knew
the truth about me,
so you can be rid of
me once and for all.
I'm not at all the girl you
knew a long time ago.
There've been too many towns,
too many saloons,
too many backrooms,
but never a wedding.
You mean, you ain't
never been married?
I'm leaving today, Lothario.
And now that you know,
you can forget all about
that girl you once loved.
Oh, no, ma'am.
You was right about one thing.
You ain't nothing like that little girl.
She didn't know nothing
about living or loving or sharing.
She was just a little girl.
But you're a grown-up woman.
I loved that little girl,
but I could just worship
that woman if she'd let me.
And don't you see?
We're sort of like
two peas in a pod, you and me.
We've done about
everything there is to do
and we've been about
every place there is to go...
except home.
You mean that fellow
never married you?
Excuse me, ma'am.
Hey, Lothario, I've got the...
Isn't he the
gentleman that I...?
Oh, Hoss, I found the prea...
Stand up.
Because I'm coming to you.
Hey!
- Hoss!
- Wait a minute.
Now, dadburnit, Abner...
Abner, you're gonna
make me hit you...
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute.
According to the
powers vested in me,
I do hereby declare
my intentions
of joining these two together
in the holy bonds of matrimony.
If anyone objects, let him speak
now or forever hold his peace.
Well, I do.
You shut up.
Go ahead, Reverend.
Do you, Laura, take this man to
be your lawful wedded husband?
I do.
And do you, Lothario, take this
woman to be your lawful wedded wife?
Yes, I do.
Ring.
MINISTER: So be it.
I do hereby pronounce
you man and wife.
Phew.
Well, Hoss, old compadre,
I'll be seeing you.
Yeah, well, don't rush.
Don't rush, Lothario. You
just have a nice honeymoon.
All right. So long, Ben.
- So long.
- Giddap.
- Have a good time. ROY: Bye.
LAURA: Bye. LOTHARIO: Bye.
Oh.
Oh.
[HOSS SIGHS]
The end of an era, Hoss.
That's what it is.
Yep, and the end
of a cougar, huh, Pa?
You know, we're gonna
miss that little fellow.
Yeah, well, you come
along with me, Cupid,
because the champagne's on you.
All right.
ANNOUNCER: This has
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of the NBC Television Network.