Bonanza (1959–1973): Season 5, Episode 7 - Calamity Over the Comstock - full transcript

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Come on, you droop-eyed,
grass-bellied mountain bloomers,

we ain't got all month. Hyah!

You grubby-nosed,
fence-crawling case of worms. Hyah!

You all get along
or get me a 2-by-4

and bust it across your stupid
bone-filled, stubborn-headed heads.

- Hyah!
- Hold on, now, Cal.

Ain't no call for you to
bust loose on them mules.

- They's doing the best they can.
- They ain't doing the best they can.

Get along, you
sons of Satan. Hyah!



Paiutes.

Get that wagon up front.

Hyah! Come on, you mules.

Get down off that wagon!

Get under there. Get.

Got one of them mangy,
no-good, hair-lifters, I did.

Get back here!

Come on.

Walt.

Cal.

Cal, who's gonna
take care of you?

You gotta look
after Cal, mister.

Promise me you will.

I will.



Here.

If you hadn't rode trouble our
way, Walt would be alive right now.

You know that, don't you?

You think that hasn't
been bothering me?

Walt was a good friend.

Look, I know it's of
little comfort you now,

all I can say is I'm sorry.

I guess maybe if them Paiutes was
chasing me, I'd done the same thing.

I had no call to say what I did.

I'd be beholden to you if you
just forget I ever opened my mouth.

All the same, I'm sorry.

I made him a promise. I feel
kind of responsible for you.

No country for a kid to
be running around in alone.

- Especially if the kid's a girl.
- A girl?

Don't you go calling me no girl.

Why not? That's
what you are, isn't it?

How'd you find out?

I took a wild guess.

You won't tell nobody. You gotta
promise me you won't tell nobody.

Why not?

Because a lot of people
think like you think.

"This ain't no country for a girl
to be wandering around in alone."

Well, I got a lot of wandering
to do, a lot of places to see,

and I don't want no
blue-nosed old ladies

or dang-blasted peace
officers trying to stop me.

- You understand?
- Mm-hm.

Promise?

Promise. That is, if you promise
to come out to the ranch with me

for a couple of days, just to
give yourself a little time to decide

where you want to go
and what you want to do.

You got a ranch?

My pa does. I live there
with him and my two brothers.

I'd kind of like to
have you meet them,

like to have them meet you too.

What do you say, is it a deal?

It's a deal.

After I deliver this here
stuff to Virginia City.

Okay. Better get started. We
got a long ride ahead of us.

Well, business
over. I'm thirsty, Joe.

- Could use me a drink.
- Best place in town, right here.

There's the place.

Hey, wait a minute,
you can... Hey, you ca...

Hey, you, we need
us a drink up here.

- What'll you have, Little Joe?
- Beer.

- Beer coming up.
- Wait a minute.

- You talking to me, son?
- Yeah, I'm talking to you.

Give me a bottle of
whiskey and a glass.

How old are you, sonny?

Old enough to
bullwhack a freight wagon

900 miles across
hot, stinking desert,

old enough to lap up the
bottom of a barrel of Monongahela

and old enough to blow the
top of your head clean off.

Now, how about that whiskey?

You heard the man.

That was fun. What
do you really want?

We got lemonade, fruit
punch, grape juice? I'm buying.

I want whiskey.
And old Cal's buying.

I said a glass.

I gotta see.

Hey, you just watch who
you're pushing, you big ape.

Well, you dirty-faced
little insect.

You shut your yapping trap
or I'll thumb you to death.

I'll squeeze you
like a tiny ant.

Now, you get out before I
peel your head like a peach.

I'm going. I'm going.

Them big fellas are
like babies, they is.

Yeah, well, you keep that up,

you're not gonna live
long enough to spend this.

Stop that drinking,
you had enough.

One more for the tules, Joe.

Where we going now?

Well, we're gonna go...
We're gonna go home,

and you're gonna rest and you
can decide what you wanna do next.

And you're gonna take a bath.

You ain't exactly
no violet either.

And that's no way
to talk to a lady.

I thought you weren't
supposed to be a lady.

- Come on, let's go.
- I already know what I wanna do.

Know exactly what I wanna do.

Yeah? And what is that?

I wanna stay with you, Joe.

I want to stay with
you forever and ever.

Oh, boy.

See you, Bern.

Ah, it's about time that young
brother of yours got home

Won't you come out
tonight That's Joe?

If that's our little brother, he must
have slept in a swamp all night.

Won't you come out tonight

And we danced By
the light of the moon

Hi, Pa. This here's Cal.
- Howdy.

Cal, this is my pa, my brother
Hoss and my brother Adam.

Horse, huh? Looks
more like buffalo to me.

Buffalo gals, won't you...

Joseph.

Oh, uh, Cal's just gonna
spend the night, Pa.

Oh.

Yeah, we're just going to go
upstairs and get cleaned up a bit.

How about that bath
I promised you, Cal?

Yeah. How about that
bath that you promised me?

Don't you worry about a thing,
Pa, I'll take care of everything.

See you later, fellas.

Good to be home, Pa.

Buffalo gals Won't
you come out tonight

Come out tonight Won't
you come out tonight

Did you get the impression
that little fellow was drunk?

Drunker than a fly
on a corn squeezing.

Well, he does have a
knack for making friends.

Yeah.

Buffalo gals Won't
you come out tonight

Come out tonight
Come out tonight

Buffalo gals Won't
you come out tonight

And we'll dance By
the light of the moon

He sure got a big
voice for a little fellow.

Ain't he, though?

Hey, ain't there no
towels in this dump?

Dump.

What that Cal needs more than
anything else is a good thrashing.

Hey, somebody bring
me a gall dang towel.

Joe, you gonna take
your partner a towel or not?

Oh, hey, uh, I was wondering maybe
you ought to take him a towel, Hoss.

He feels kind of strange in the house,
you'd make him feel home, you know.

Yeah. I'll make
him feel at home.

I'll take him a towel and
stuff it right down his throat.

What do you intend to
do with your protégé?

I don't know.

We can always use an extra
hand around the place can't we, Pa?

I could use an
extra cup of coffee.

Hey, how about that towel?

I'm coming. Keep your pants on.

I ain't got no pants on.

No, ma'am, I reckon you ain't.

What's the matter, you big ape?
Ain't you never seen a lady before?

Oh, yes, ma'am, I've
seen lots. I mean, I...

Oh, Lordy.

I was lumbering down the street

Down the street Down the street

Pa, that...

What's the matter, Hoss?

Pa, that Cal, that fella
Joe brought, he's...

Oh, Lordy.

Hoss, what's the matter?

Pa, he ain't no he at
all, he's a she. It's a gal.

- He's a what?
- A gal.

Joseph.

Stand up.

Stand up.

Now, did you know
that he was a girl?

What? Oh, no, Pa.

You know I knew
a thing like that,

I'd certainly tell you
about it, wouldn't I?

I don't think
you'd have told us.

Joe, I'm gonna tear
you limb from limb.

Howdy.

That man's a Peeping Tom.

Now, ma'am, that
ain't true. I mean, Cal.

I was just coming up there
to give you a towel and...

- Oh, Lordy.
- Ma'am.

It seems we've made
a little mistake here.

What might your
last name be, ma'am?

My last name might be Canary.

Well, then what might
your first name be?

- Jane.
- Jane.

Then how come
you call yourself Cal?

Well, that's short for Calamity.

- Calamity?
- Calamity Jane.

Oh.

Nice moon.

Yeah. Yeah, it's nice.

- Aren't you tired?
- Tired? Why should I be tired?

Heh, we had a long hard
day today. You're not tired?

Nope.

Oh, I am. I am tired.

Hey, do you know what
we have to do tomorrow?

First thing we gotta do is
get you some new duds.

I can't have you walking around
here looking like one of my brothers.

What's the matter
with the way I look?

Oh, nothing.

You look great, heh,
heh. You look great.

You know, I like you, Joe.

Don't guess I ever
met a fella I like better.

You ain't nothing like John.

John. Who's John?

He's the fella I was
running away from.

Always chasing me,
wants to marry me.

But he's a dentist, and I just couldn't
stand the thought marrying a man

who spends most of his time
looking down people's throats.

But, uh, speaking of marrying,

a gal like me would make
a fella a mighty fine wife.

Why, I can ride
with the best of them.

Snap a fly off an oxen's ear with
a bullwhip four times out of five.

Clear leather faster
than a cat can sneeze.

Drink more whisky than a...

I guess that don't sound
too lady or wife-like, does it?

Heh. No, it doesn't.

Maybe I... Maybe I ain't too
good at talking like a woman,

but I ain't so bad
at acting like one.

Joe?

Joe?

Do you like it,
Joe? Do you like it?

Yeah. Yeah. It's nice.

Oh, Joe-Joe. "Nice"
is all you have to say.

Why, this is the latest
fashion from Paris.

Why, mademoiselle is very chic
in this dress. And she's very pretty.

You know, she would be the most
beautiful girl at the Fireman's Ball

on Saturday night.

Fireman's Ball?

Well, I guess I just ain't the
type for them fancy shindigs.

Oh, the hair, Joe-Joe. What
are we going to do with her hair?

Well, we can always cover it.

- Cal, what's the matter?
- It's Johnny.

Hey, Babette, wrap up
those other dresses, will you?

And send the bill to Pa.

Johnny!

I just knowed you'd follow
me, John. I just knowed it.

- Who's he?
- Oh, that's Joe Cartwright.

He just got me all gussied
up. How do you like it?

That was very considerate
of Mr. Cartwright.

Wasn't it? Well, what are
we standing around here for?

This is a big day.

I got me a brand-new
dress and two fellas,

let's just go in this here saloon
and lap us up a bellyful of drinks.

Let's just do that.

Listen, you two must have
a lot to talk about, so I'll...

You'll join us, Mr. Cartwright?

Well, that's very kind
of you. Don't mind if I do.

Doc Holliday.

- Sit down.
- Hey, chubby.

Ha, ha, chubby.

I'm sorry, ma'am, but we're not
allowed to serve the ladies in here.

You served me yesterday.

If you're smart, you'll
do the same today.

You... You mean, she's the same?

Mm-hm, yeah, she's him.

- But...
- You heard the lady.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I
sure heard the lady.

Jane looks real pretty.

That was nice of you to
do that, Mr. Cartwright.

Why did you do it?

Why?

I just felt the clothes she
had on weren't fitting a lady.

And they wasn't.

And you consider that your
business, Mr. Cartwright?

Oh, come on, don't be
so formal, just call me Joe.

All right, and you
can call me Doc.

Doc?

Holliday.

Holliday?

Oh. Uh...

It's Doc Holliday, heh.

He's that dentist I was
telling you about, Joe.

Oh, the... Sure, the dentist.

The den... My
teeth are all good.

All good, heh.

It's a real pleasure
to see you, Doc.

Uh, let's keep it that way,
shall we, Mr. Cartwright?

Sure. Sure, Doc, let's.

And now that we
understand each other,

I'm sure you'll excuse us.

Hm? Oh, yeah, I got a
lot of things to do, anyway.

You probably have a
lot of things to talk about.

- Wait a minute, Doc.
- No. no.

Please, I've gotta go pick up your
clothes and I gotta go shopping.

And I got a lot of
things to do. You just...

You... You know...

You had no call to do that, Doc.

- Didn't I?
- No, you didn't, gall dang it.

You're coming away with me. Now.

I ain't going nowhere with
you, Doc, let alone marry you.

Now, look, Doc, it ain't that I
don't like you, because I do.

I got a deep sisterly
affection for you.

But it ain't enough for
marrying, it just ain't.

And him?

I don't know.

That Little Joe, he might
be just the fellow for me

to want to settle down
with and be a lady.

A lady.

You will never be a lady.

No more than I'll
ever be anything

but a man running
to meet oblivion.

Folks like us, Cal...

we got the devil
on our coattails.

And he's ridden us and whipped us
so long, we're used to it, and maybe,

maybe we even like it.

We're much alike, you and
I, and we need each other.

And I'll kill the man who
tries to take you from me.

We gotta do something
about that cough, Doc.

Yeah. I, uh...

I gotta do something about that.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe we do have
the devil on our coattail,

but I gotta try.

I gotta see for myself.

Ride out of here and
give me a chance.

If it don't work, I'll come
looking for you, I promise.

You won't have
far to look. I, uh...

I'm not going anywhere.

Suit yourself, Doc.

Well, I gotta go along
and get me some more

of that ladylike
wearing apparel.

Doc Holliday.

Well, in that event,
then, Joseph,

I suggest that the most
sensible thing that you could do

would be to take Ms. Canary
into town first thing in the morning

and get her a room. We don't
need any trouble with Doc Holliday.

Yeah, Pa, but I can't do that. In
a way, I kind of owe her my life.

She's just liable to collect on that
debt if you don't get her out of here.

Yeah, and then too I made that
promise to Walt about looking after her.

I'm not asking you to break your
word or shirk your responsibility.

I'm just saying that
under the circumstances,

it would be much better if you
got her a room in Virginia City.

I'd like to, but she won't go.

What do you mean she won't go?

She just won't go!

Besides, I'm not
afraid of Doc Holliday.

Oh, pfft.

No, I can take care of him.

Well, Joe, it ain't like we
got no confidence in you.

It's just that...

Well, I've heard tell that fella
Holliday done killed himself 15 men.

He ain't even worked
up a good mad yet.

Oh.

How do you like it?

You don't like it?

Oh, no. It's, uh...

It's very nice. Very nice.

Well, we have some
work to do, fellas. Um...

You, uh...

You come up when you're, uh...

- When you're ready, Joseph.
- Hey, Pa...

When you are ready, understood?

Ms. Calamity, you do look nice.
Real pretty, as a matter of fact.

Thank you, Hoss.

Hoss.

Oh, yes, Pa.

Adam.

Hey, Pa, wha...?

What'd your pa
mean? Ready for what?

Oh, well, just, uh...

Uh, you see, we figured
that since Doc was in town

that you'd probably might
like to be closer to him.

- That is just till you pull out.
- Why?

Well, it's just like you said.

You've known each other for a long
time and, uh, Doc is so fond of you.

I know if I was the
doc, I'd really be jealous.

Would you, Little
Joe? Would you?

Well, yeah, if I...

So, what I thought we'd
do is, in the morning,

we'd get up and get in a
wagon and I'd take you into town

and, uh, get you a real
nice room in the hotel.

I ain't going, Joe.

- You ain't?
- No.

How come?

I got a big fond for you.

- You and me.
- Yes, I do.

It's like I told Doc.

It's, like, heh,
you told Doc, huh?

Mm-hm.

He said that him and me,
we got the devil on our coattail.

That we need each other.

Oh, you know, he has a
point. You know, you do.

No.

I don't need Doc, Little Joe.

- I need you.
- Me.

I said I thought you
was just the man

to make me wanna
settle down and be a lady.

And, uh, you told
that part to Doc?

And you is.

I'm gonna stay right here

and take care of you and love
you and never, never leave.

Hey, Joe...

There's that Peeping Tom again.

No, ma'am. Not really.

Pa just wanted me to come back
and see if you was ready, Joe.

He's ready.

You go tell your Pa.

You tell him all about us.

Well, it looks like you
handled that real nice, Joe.

Oh, shut up.

Whiskey.

Wasn't very friendly.

It wasn't meant to be.

You've got until midnight
tomorrow to convince Jane

to quit playing at being a
lady and ride out with me.

And at exactly one
second after midnight,

I'm gonna kill you,
Mr. Cartwright.

Look, now, I've tried to
be nice to you, Mr. Holliday,

but you're pushing me
just a little bit too far now.

Now, whatever Calamity wants to
do with her life is her own business.

It's not mine
and it's not yours.

And you may be older than me and
maybe a little quicker on the draw,

but I'm not backing down
to you or anybody like you.

They say I'm
dying. That means...

I haven't long to get
things I want out of life.

And I want that girl.

And you better see
to it that I get her.

You see, when a
man knows he's dying,

it just doesn't seem to
make much difference

whether it comes slow or fast.

And that gives me a terrible
edge over you, Mr. Cartwright.

Yeah, well,

we're gonna have a big ball here
Saturday night in town, a big dance.

And I've just now decided I'm gonna
ask Cal if she'd like to go to it with me.

So if you'd like to see her,
why don't you drop around?

I'll be there with Cal.

Oh, I...

Oh, I will, Mr. Cartwright.
You can depend on it. I will.

I'll be there at exactly
five minutes to midnight.

All right, Doc.

Any time you say.

What are you doing?

Uh... I was just
loosening up a bit.

Why?

There's no special reason, it's
just good for you to loosen up.

Hey, does Doc know you're
taking me to the ball tomorrow night?

Sure, he knows.

He ain't gonna like it.

What Doc likes
doesn't concern me.

I see.

I guess a fella'd have
to be mighty fond of a girl

to get in a gunfight
because of it.

Wouldn't he, Little Joe?

Yeah, I suppose he would.

Especially if he was
getting into a gunfight

with someone like Doc Holliday.

I guess he'd have to be more than
just fond of her. He'd have to love her.

Otherwise, it wouldn't
make any sense.

Oh, Cal, there's lot of things in
this world that don't make sense,

but a man just goes ahead
and does them anyway.

You don't love me, do you, Joe?

I like you.

I like you a lot, Cal.

I see.

You know, I ain't never
been to a ball before.

Ain't nobody ever asked me.

In my whole life,
this is the very first.

I'm beholden to you, Joe.

I'm mighty beholden.

But I ain't going.

What do you mean,
you ain't going?

I just ain't going, that's all.

Oh, I don't belong at that ball

no more than a raw-bone plow
horse belongs in a show ring.

A lot of fancy frills and gewgaws
ain't gonna make a lady out of me,

not even for one night.

Besides, I ain't so
sure I wanna be one.

All scrunched up and tied
together like a trussed-up chicken.

Hey.

You look at me and say
that and then I'll believe you.

Joe, Doc will kill you for sure.

Oh, don't you worry about
that. That's my concern.

You're going to that ball,
and you're going with me.

- But...
- I don't wanna hear more about it.

I made up my mind.

I want you to get real
prettied up tomorrow night

and I want every man at
that ball to be jealous of me.

Oh, Joe, I am beholden
to you, awful beholden.

And you ain't gonna be
sorry. I'll promise you that.

You ain't gonna be.

Good morning, may I
be of service to you?

Morning, Babette.

I'm, uh, looking for one
of them little fur pieces

I've seen them
fancy ladies wearing.

Mademoiselle is
referring to a choker.

Like this. It is made
of the finest of mink.

That varmint looks like a
cow-stomped squirrel, that ain't it.

Cow-stomped squirrel? Well, I will
have you know this is cow-stomped mink.

No, what I want it's bigger than
that and rounder and fatter and...

You are speaking of a cape.

Oh, Mademoiselle has,
mwah, excellent taste. Oh, la, la.

Ew!

What I want is... Well, it's round
and it kind of looks like a coonskin cap

with the top shot out of it.

- Ah...
- And you can you put your ha...

- There it is. That's one of them.
- Oh.

Nice dance.

Looks like Little
Joe's enjoying it.

Do you have to carry that
polecat while we're dancing?

Yep, feel plum naked without it.

Besides, it ain't no
polecat, it's mink.

Yeah? Well, it
looks like a polecat.

Thank you, sir.

You're welcome.

By the way, it's customary
to check your gun at the door.

I, uh, won't be staying long.

Excuse me.

I don't recall your asking for the
pleasure of this dance, Dr. Holliday.

May I, Ms. Canary?

The pleasure's mine.

Joseph, don't you think you've dipped
into that bowl a little too often tonight?

No, I'm just thirsty, Pa.

Joe, it's getting late.

Ain't you about ready to give up?
Let's go home. Don't you wanna?

I guess he don't.

I've also noticed that ever
since you got here tonight

you've been looking at
that clock every five minutes.

Why?

Why? Uh, no reason, just
wanna know what time it is.

There something
you haven't told us?

No.

Joseph.

It's nothing I can't handle.

Joe.

You ain't fixing to have no trouble
with that Dr. Holliday, are you?

No. None, unless he starts some.

And what's that
supposed to mean?

Nah, it's, heh, just that Doc Holliday
said that at one second after midnight

he was gonna kill me, heh, heh.

Now, look, son, you're gonna
get right on your horse right now

- and ride for the Ponderosa.
- I can't do that, Pa.

You're no match for him,
son. You're no match for him.

Now, do as I ask
you. Ride for home.

Pa, I just can't do that.

By morning, everybody
in Virginia City would know

Doc Holliday faced me down.

That he chased me out of town,
sent me back to hide in the ranch.

Now, I just can't do that,
Pa, you gotta understand.

Adam, will you talk some
sense into your brother?

You talk to him, he's your son.

Hoss?

Pa, I reckon Little Joe's sort
of got himself into a pickle.

Ain't but one way out of it.

If you harm Little Joe,
Doc, you are gonna be sorry.

Awful sorry.

He's got exactly three
minutes to live. You see, Cal,

when a man has committed himself,
there is no other way he can go.

Ain't there, now,
Doc, ain't there?

That's a mighty uncomfortable
muff you have there, Cal.

It ought to be.

There's a Colt .45
right in the middle of it.

You're joking.

You won't be laughing, Doc.

If you harm Little Joe, I'm
gonna blow you clean in two.

You can believe that.

Sorry, Cal, but it's too late.

I just can't back down.

And there isn't any other way.

You better try and find one.

You better search
yourself to find a way.

Nobody really wants to die, Doc.

Not even you.

Besides, you said we was
alike, that we needed each other.

Well, I think you're right.

And I'd hate like blue blazes

to have to plunk you out on
Boot Hill and ride on alone.

Think, Doc. Think.

Mr. Holliday. I'm
Ben Cartwright.

Just a word of warning.

You're a known
gunfighter, a killer.

I thought you should
know that if you hurt my boy,

I'll see that you're hung from
the highest tree in Virginia City.

And I've been in towns all
over the west, Mr. Cartwright,

and I can't begin to tell you how
many times I've listened to that promise.

But, as you can see,
nobody's hanged me yet.

You listen to me, doctor.

You touch my little brother

and the only way they'll ever
hang you will be piece by piece.

You gentleman ought to
try this punch, it's delicious.

Yeah, well, drink hearty,

because it's gonna be hot
and dry where you're going.

I've known just where I'm
going for a long time, mister.

A day one way or the other isn't
gonna make that much difference.

Any time you say, Doc.

Get out of the way, Cal.

Count to three.

Ready.

One.

Two.

Sorry, Joe.

I guess maybe any differences
we have will just have to wait.

Come on, Cal.
Let's get out of here.

Wait a minute.

Ms. Canary will leave when she's
good and ready and not until then.

- It's all right, Joe.
- No, no. It's not all right.

Not all right at all.

I promised you this evening,
and nothing's gonna spoil it.

Try to pull yourself
together, Doc.

You need me, I'll be around.

Got nothing to
worry about now, Cal.

See the way I backed him down?

You sure did, Little Joe.

Why, you got him running
scareder than a bee-stung jackrabbit.

- You're all heart and you're all guts.
- Yeah.

I just gotta drink with a man
like you. Pour me one, will you?

I'd love to.

- He's determined to get himself shot.
- Yeah.

Well, we better
get him out of here.

Yeah, before he gets shot or
gets drowned in that punch bowl.

Mm-hm.

Well, don't just stand
there, play something.

Hey, you, uh, enjoying
yourself, little brother?

Oh, having a heck of a time.

- You see the way I backed him down?
- I sure did.

- Wasn't that beautiful?
- I'm proud of you.

- Good night.
- Good night?

Yeah.

Awful nice knowing
you, Little Joe.

Spider juice has
a real kick to it.

Well, put him on his
horse, boys. I'll be right out.

Too bad, huh?

I never could cotton to fella
can't hold his liquor, heh.

I'll be riding on,
Mr. Cartwright.

All right, Cal.

Then I'll be saying
goodbye to you.

You know, Cal, you're right.

A fella can't hold his liquor
ain't nothing but a boy.

I wanna thank you for
giving my boy back to me.

Thank you, Mr. Cartwright,

for giving me the
chance of knowing him.

Mr. Holliday.

You ought to do
something about that cough.

Yeah, I ought to do
something about that.

You meant what you said
about you and me, Cal?

Sure, Doc.

We got a lot of places to
go and a lot of things to see.

We ain't hardly
seen any of them yet.

Doc, I'm thirstier than a
bullfrog on a hot skillet.

Will you fetch me a drink?

So long, Little Joe.

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