Bonanza (1959–1973): Season 2, Episode 29 - The Infernal Machine - full transcript

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That sounds like Hoss.

On the wagon?
He left on a horse.

You know my brother--

he can leave on a horse
and come home on a boat.

Yeah, it's him, all right.

He's got company with him.

- Whoa.
- Lady company.

Oh, someone we know?

There's a... a fellow with him
and a...



- And a what?
- Joe, Joe!

Pa, come on, let me in!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Hey, it's me!

Hey, meet some friends of mine.

This is Daniel Pettibone
and his wife Robin.

Oh, I-I-I-I don't believe
I've heard Hoss mention

the name Daniel Pettibone
before.

I-I just met them
today myself, Pa.

They found them stranded up
by Jackson's Ridge.

Oh, well, Jackson's Ridge is
a far place from anywhere.

Yeah, well, we, we were trying
to reach Virginia City

and, uh, and we got up there
and there was no

road or anything, so, uh...

Oh, well, you,
you must be very tired.



Uh... please, uh, come, come.

Wait a minute, Pa,
before you do anything else,

there's something
I want to show you.

Come here, Daniel, show 'em,
come on.

Dan here is an inventor, Pa.

Wait till you see this.

It'll just about pop
your head off.

Get a bucket of water quick.

Ah! Wait a minute, Joe,
Joe, no, wait, wait!

What do you think, Pa?

You ever see the beat of that?

No, sir, I never did.

Yeah, well, w-what makes it go?

My husband doesn't mean
to be rude.

He has trouble talking
to strangers,

especially about his work.

He's been laughed at so much.

Yeah?

He didn't have no trouble
talking to me.

He liked to talk my arm off.

Well, you're the exception;

you're very likeable
and very easy to know.

I'll try to answer
your question.

The thing that makes it go is
an internal combustion engine.

A-And he invented that, huh?

Not exactly.

The principle
of an internal combustion engine

has been known a long time.

A man named Samuel Brown
sold and built

a... a kind of one
in England 30 years ago.

Hmm, yeah, well, li-like this?

Nothing like this.

My husband's invented
many improvements,

things far advanced,
even for modern times.

This fuel, for example.

It's a distillation
of Scottish ale.

An electric spark
ignites this...

uh, this fuel.

And much, much else besides.

You understand it?

No, no.

Pa, you don't have
to understand it

to see it's the biggest thing
that ever happened.

Looks kind of little to me.

Ah, Joe, it's a model.

From that you,
you can make a big'un.

How big?

Well, you know, about...
big enough to sit in.

Sit in?

Sure, dad-burnit, you got to sit
in it before you can ride in it.

W-What do you mean "ride in it"?

Dad-burnit, Joe,
that's what it's all about.

This, this thing's
a self-powered wagon.

Y-You sit in it
and you ride in it.

You don't even have
to have horses for it.

Look, I'll explain it all
to you later.

Old Daniel ain't been feeling
too good,

and, well, I'm, I'm gonna put
him and his wife

up in that spare bedroom.

Come on, Robin, you and Daniel.

A man's got to take care
of his partners.

Hoss.

Sir?

Did you say "partners"?

Yep, that's what I said,
Pa-- partners.

Good night, sir.

And thank you.

Here we go again.

Doggone it, Pa, I want to get
something straight,

once and for...

Step right up, neighbor.

Come on.

Come on, what you see
before your bulging eyeballs

are a collection
of mechanical miracles

designed to make a poor man rich
and a rich man richer.

Now, hold on just one moment,
Little Joe,

don't forget that you have
bought, in your time,

some of these
mechanical miracles, too.

Oh.

But did I ever buy
anything like this?

That's a perpetual motion
machine.

How about this?
Look at this goody.

That is a magic box.

Now, you see,

open it up and you put
a little lead inside

and a little magic powder,
you cook it,

and silver comes out the bottom.

Well... you didn't think this,

this gold witcher was such
a bad idea when I bought it.

Yeah, you can't deny that,
Little Joe.

I can remember your very words.

"Finding gold with that would be
as easy as falling into a well."

All right, all right,
so I made a mistake once.

But did I ever...

in my entire life...

...buy anything... like this?

It was supposed
to shoot around corners.

It don't work no better
than the rest of that junk.

I bought it all, I know that,

but what's that supposed
to prove?

Joe, Daniel and his wife
up there--

they-they're honest folk,
they ain't crooks.

That, tha-that power wagon
is the real thing.

Hoss, Hoss, I go along with you
about those folks upstairs.

I-I believe they're honest,
too, but...

Look.

Is this thing practical?

Practical?

Pa, anything you can ride in
is practical, ain't it?

You build a full-size one and
you could go almost anyplace.

Oh, come on.

All right, you build
a full-size one of those,

- and I'll find myself
any tired... -Shh.

...worn-out old nag, and
I'll beat you to Virginia City

by a day and a half.

Maybe you could now, but,
but, well, y-you take and you,

you get some good roads and...

Roads.

Can you rope a steer
with that thing?

No.

Can you hitch six of these
together and, and haul freight?

No, I reckon you...

- What good is it? -What are you
going to do with it?

Ah, dad-gum it,
I'm all mixed up.

Now, this afternoon,
when I sat up there

on the tailgate
of old Daniel's wagon,

it was as clear to me
as the nose on my face.

And you can't see it now, hmm?

Well, yeah, Pa, I can see it,
but I can't explain it to you.

You, you want facts and figures

and everything proved out
ahead of time.

You just can't always prove
things out ahead of time.

Sometimes you, you got
to just have faith and,

and you go ahead
and do something.

Then, when you get it done,
you point to it and say,

"Now, there,
tha-that's what I mean."

I can't have faith in
a silly-looking thing like that.

I... I couldn't either.

Well, that's up to you.

I'll tell you how much faith
I got in it.

I'm gonna go to Virginia City
with Daniel,

and I'm gonna help him
get money together,

and we're going to build
a full-size one.

You don't have to do
a doggone thing.

You don't have to put
one drop of sweat in it

or one thin dime.

I'll put $100 in it.

I'll put $50 in it.

Well, if... if you ain't got
no faith in it...

Hoss, we have faith in you.

And if you believe so much
in this contraption,

well, maybe there is
something to it.

We'll back you all the way.

With money, muscle, or... guns.

"Ladies and gentlemen,

"you are now witnessing
the first public d...

demonstration of the,
the Pettibone Power Wagon."

Uh...

"We are prepared to offer you
a share in this..."

Nah, wait, wait,
wait, wait, I...

I kind of got ahead of myself
for a minute.

Something else I was supposed
to say first. Ah!

"Mr. Pettibone here and me--

"we're going to construct
a prototype

"here in Virginia City.

"Later, we will manufacture

full-sized power wagons
for sale."

Wait, that-that thing's...

Oh, yeah, uh, uh, uh,

"Shares in the Pettibone Power
Wagon Company are, are for sale

at te... ten...
ten dollars a share."

Well, now, that's my kind
of contraption.

Knows right where it's going.

Heading for the bar!

Boys, clear back.
You better give him room.

I think he's going
to be coming out of there.

I'll buy four and a half shares
of that Pettibone Power Wagon.

I've been trying to get rid
of him for two days.

Hooray for her!

Dad-gone it, Big Red,
that's mighty sweet of you.

And you're not going to be sorry
neither, you hear?

Folks, I ain't much
at making speeches,

but if you all step in there to
the bar, I'll stand the drinks.

Set up the drinks.

Hoss, Jeff and I are buying in.

Oh, no, we ain't, dad-blast it.

Well, doggone it, Jeff, you
seen it come in here of its own.

Ain't no better use
for that gold.

Same as throwing it away.

Well, you throw it away
on booze.

Booze--
that's what I dug it for.

Why, you...

All right, boys, all right.
All right, let's break it up.

Break it on up. There.
Outside you go!

I'll stomp a mud hole in you
and weed it dry.

Yeah? Go ahead, do it!

Turn me loose!

- How are you, Daniel?
- I'm fine.

Think you better stop them
before somebody gets hurt?

Hurt? Them two?

Daniel, their old hides are as
tough as an alligator's hide.

They do that every day
just to keep limber.

Look here, you go over here
and sit down and take it easy.

You just sit right here.
I'll take care of that in there.

What about it, Mr. Oglesby?

You want to buy in?

No, sir.

Not putting any of my money
in a contraption like that.

What do you mean, contraption?

What's wrong with it?

It's a slick trick.

Sucker bait.

I don't trust that man.

That man over there
you don't trust happens

to be a very good friend
of mine, Mr. Oglesby.

You can't scare me,
Horse Cartwright.

We've all known you long enough
to know you're honest.

How long you known him?

Long enough to know he's as
honest as I am

and a heap smarter.
He can do more thinking

by Monday noon
than you can in a week.

If he's so smart, why can't
he do his own talking?

Well, I reckon
with all them brains,

that's about all he can handle.

'Sides, he's got
a big, dumb partner

who can do his talking for him.

Well, if this contraption
can do all you claim,

why'd he come to Virginia City?

He could finance it a lot
quicker in San Francisco.

I'll tell you why
he came to Virginia City.

The doctors made him leave
San Francisco, that's why.

He ain't well. He's got pains
here in his chest,

and it hurts him worse
when somebody's crowding him.

Anything else?

Just one thing.

As a man who's been
selling the good folks

of Virginia City
merchandise of all kinds

for over 15 years,

I say any man who
invests good money

in this infernal
machine's a fool.

Then, sir...

you must name me a fool,
for herewith I pledge $1,000

to the Pettibone
Power Wagon Company.

Oh. I'll be sawed in half
with a blackberry vine.

Well, Mr. Rich.

I'm, uh, Cyrus K.
Throckmorton, my dear,

and, uh, that
is my associate,

Mr. Peter Long.

Howdy, folks.

Never heard of you.

Which is not surprising.

I only arrived in your fair city
yesterday.

I am a broker
and investment counselor

known in the financial centers
of New York,

London and Paris,

here to invest funds
for Eastern capital.

And now, sir,
if you would introduce me

to this genius who invented
this mechanical marvel.

Yes, sir. This... this here is
Daniel Pettibone.

Truly a great honor, sir.

A man of your capabilities is
rare, indeed.

I'd like also to meet
your business manager.

Uh...

Well, uh, there ain't nobody
but just me and Daniel here.

I sort of figured on learning
the business end of it

as we went along.

An understandable error,
sir, but a grievous one.

The financial world
is a teeming jungle

to the uninitiated,
strewn with many pitfalls.

Let me think.

There is a slight possibility
I may be able

to extend a guiding hand.

By golly!

I would deem it a privilege--
indeed an honor--

to contribute my time and, uh,
not inconsiderable experience

in financial matters
to this enterprise,

as a service
to the community.

And now, let us have
a closer look at this machine

that Mr. Oglesby calls an...

...infernal machine.

Wowee!

Beautiful little thing,
isn't it?

Like I said, we're buying in.

Like he said, we're buying in.

Why, you old goat!

Stand back! I'm gonna kill it.

Now, let's see
what we have here.

Now, that's nice.

Ah, blue and gold.

That should appeal
to the natives.

I ain't never seen nothing
so pretty in all my days.

She like something
out of a dream.

Yes, yes, my boy,
beautiful indeed.

And I have one for almost any
endeavor you care to name--

forest lands, gold mine,
dance hall.

I'll bet she ain't
in no dance hall

'cause she wants to be.

A lady like that--
she ain't always got her choice.

Yes, I think
this will do nicely.

Thing of rare beauty.

We should have no difficulty

in selling several thousand
of these

to the good people
of Virginia City.

You ain't gonna
sell Big Red none of them.

To everyone an equal
opportunity, my boy.

However, the first
order of business

is to have some of
these printed up.

I should say, um,
2,000 to begin with.

Who's there?

It's me, Big Red.

Oh, uh, just a moment, my dear.

Mr. Throckmorton...

you said you wanted
to talk to me.

Come in, my dear.

Come right in.

Everybody's so happy you're
gonna handle the business end

of the Pettibone
Power Wagon Company.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

I wouldn't have missed it
for the world.

Miss Red, I...

You run along now, Mr. Long,
and take care of the printing.

Have it printed up
just like that.

Run along, my boy.

Now, my dear,

how would you like to enter
into an association

with, uh, Mr. Long and myself,

say as, uh,
a private secretary, perhaps?

Gee, it's what I'd like to do
more than anything else.

Yes, yes.

My dear, this is going
to be the biggest thing

that ever happened
to Virginia City.

Now, run along,
and we'll discuss salary

at our earliest opportunity.

Out, out, out, you hear?
The printer!

Now, my dear, I believe
it's safe for you to leave.

Thank you.

Oh, I can't see anything
except a lot of fire and smoke.

Hey, there's Hoss Cartwright
over in the back. See him?

Oh, yeah, I do now.

And there's Jeff
and Jigger by the fire.

You kids must know Hoss
pretty well

if you can recognize him
like that.

What are they doing in there,
Mr. Pettibone?

Well, sonny, they're trying
to make a casting.

It's the ninth time we've tried.

Well, how do you make a casting?

Well...
you take some iron, see?

And you melt it, and you pour it
into a mold.

Now that mold is the shape of
something you want to make.

Now, when that iron
cools off, it hardens.

You take away your mold,

and what you've got left there
is the casting.

What do they do with it?

You make an engine,
if it comes out right.

Boy, I bet you
Hoss can make it come out right.

I've seen him pick up
a whole horse.

This is more like
picking up an elephant.

But what if he can't do it?

Well, if he can't do it, we just
can't build the power wagon.

Don't you worry about it.
That Hoss is pretty stubborn.

Stubborn and capable.

Darling, look what I have.

Mr. Throckmorton
had them made up.

Isn't it darling?

He's going to give one

to everyone who buys stock
in the company.

You boys like one of these?

- Sure.
- We sure would.

There you are.

What is it?

It's a crank used to crank
the Pettibone Power Wagon.

You take this part of it, see,

and you put it in the
front part of the engine,

and you crank it, you turn it.

And pretty soon, the engine
starts putt, putt, putt, putt,

putt, putt, putt,
putt, putt, putt...

Putt, putt, putt, putt, putt,
putt, putt, putt, putt...

putt, putt, putt, putt, putt,
putt, putt, putt, putt, putt...

How do you feel, darling?

Oh, I feel great, just great.
Come on.

Come on.

Don't overdo, not now.

Not when everything
is going so wonderful.

Hey, Daniel?

We're about ready
to pour that casting. Come on.

Okay, take 'er easy.

We sure don't want
to lose this one.

Set it down easy, now.

That's it.

Here, uh, Jigger, you get
over here with Jeff.

Easy does it.

All right.

- Got him?
- Yeah.

- Watch your step over there.
- Jigger, be careful.

Watch your step!

All right now, boys,
just... just a little bit now.

Just a little.

That's it. Easy, easy. Easy!

All right, a little more.

All right, lower it now
and give her a little more.

That's about it.

Okay.

Well, it seems to have settled
a little better this time, huh?

Yeah. At least
it didn't rile up,

if that means anything.

Well, we're whupped
if it don't work this time.

We've tried
just about everything.

Come on, let's get
that other one.

You just don't know
what all this means to me--

working for Mr. Throckmorton
and Mr. Long.

Golly, and all
these new ideas he has.

Yes, he does things
pretty-pretty fast.

Oh, don't worry, Red.
You'll do fine.

Well, I don't know.

Well, you know, I never worked
anywhere outside a saloon.

I mean, oh, all of a sudden
being a lady.

Being a lady is a state of mind,

and I think
you were always a lady.

I'm so happy, I think
I'm going to cry.

Oh, come on now,
don't do that.

This is no time for tears.

Miss Pettibone,
I'm just bustin'.

I got to tell somebody.

Tell what?

Pete and I--
I mean, uh, Pete and me-- is...

Really?

You and Mr. Long?

I think that's just wonderful.

Aren't you just pleased
to pieces?

Well, I'm more scared
than anything.

Whatever for?

Well, I-I don't know
about getting married.

Gee, for the rest
of my life and everything.

If my marriage
should end tomorrow,

I'd still call it

the most precious thing
in all my life.

Here, it's my wedding veil.

Oh.

I've always kept it with me.

I want you to wear it
at your wedding.

Here, let me help you.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

I give you the
marvelous Pettibone...

Power...

Wagon.

Ladies and gentlemen, I see
doubt in some of your faces.

I even see rejection in some.

But stay--

let me breathe a breath
of life into this vision.

Listen to me.

Look around you.

What do you see?

Some will say only shacks.

I say open your eyes!

I see tall chimneys and enormous
buildings with huge furnaces

that spout streams
of molten metal

where strong men pour and cast.

And there...

...there at the end of the
street, I see

a many-windowed factory where
lathes hum and drills spin.

Where careful craftsmen
fashion gleaming parts

out of raw steel.

And there--
massive and dramatic--

there stands the assembly plant.

An endless belt moves there,

past each man where
in his turn he adds a wheel,

a seat, a mud guard,

until finally
the Pettibone Power Wagon

rolls from that line--
a finished product

shining and powerful!

Some of you may ask, "What do we
need with a Power Wagon?"

And some may say, "No machine
will ever take the place

of man's most loyal friend,
the horse."

But I predict that this machine

will travel
in excess of 50 miles--

not in a day, my friends.

No, not in half a day...

but in the short space
of one single hour.

You, you and you--

all of you will have
the chance to share

in this glorious future.

That you may certainly prosper,

that you possibly
may even grow rich--

that is not important.

Far more important
that you can say

to your children's children,
"I was there.

"I stepped forward.

I said, 'I demand
my right to share.""

I thank you all.

I'll take 50 shares.

- I'll owe ya!
- Oh!

Good, Mr. Throckmorton,
real good.

That ought to sell
them anything.

Mighty nice of you to say so.

Listen, I better
get down there and get me

some of them stocks,
before they're all gone.

Listen, anytime Horace Oglesby

puts a nickel
into anything, you can bet

he's figuring
on getting a dollar back.

Come on,
before it's all gone!

Wait a minute! Hey!
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Hey, Red, give me $200 worth.

Dang, Red, you sure do
look pretty today.

I feel pretty,
dressed up like this.

Working for Mr. Throckmorton.

And guess what, Hoss?

What?

You tell him, darling.

Well... well, we're...

Neither one of you
have to say nothing

for me to figure out
what you're up to.

I'll bet you dollars to donuts

you're figuring on getting
hitched, ain't ya?

And I'll tell you
what I'm going to do.

For a wedding present, I'm going
to give you the first, genuine

Pettibone Power Wagon.

This is the birdie
now, up here.

Watch up here.

Still, very quiet.

Dad-burnit, I reckon
where they could be.

They're near
a half hour late already.

It takes a while for the bride
to get dressed, Hoss.

Hoss, why don't you
sit down here?

Let me get a picture of you
and the Pettibone Power Wagon

- so I can have it.
- Oh...

Why don't you take your own?

Yeah.

Uh, this all right for you, sir?

That's wonderful.

You better put a bigger
plate in that camera,

if you expect to get Hoss.

Look at the birdie.

Well... he ain't
here either, is he?

Who, Pete?
I thought he was with you.

Well, he ain't-- he's gone.

Gone?

What do you mean, gone?

I mean gone,
that's what I mean.

He was supposed to come get me,
but I got tired waiting,

so I went up to his room,
and you know what I found?

My Pete and that
Throckmorton had packed up

and pulled out, and they took
all that money with them.

Come on, Red.

Well, Howdy, Mrs. Pettibone.

Sorry to bother,
but I need to talk to Daniel.

Is he pert enough to talk?

Of course.
Come in, Hoss.

- Hi, Daniel.
- Hi, Hoss.

Robin here is
the original model

of the fussbudget.

Any news of Mr. Throckmorton?

Daniel, ain't no use in us
fooling ourselves.

That old scoundrel,
and Pete, too, they...

they took that money.

They had no intentions of
bringing it back.

Is the sheriff trying
to find 'em?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

The sheriff
and everybody else in town.

They got a posse.
It's been all over the country.

Daniel, you, uh...

you ever been in jail?

No, I never been in jail.

Well, it ain't really so bad
when you got good grub.

Sheriff Coffee's
got the best grub in town.

Am I going to jail?

But why?!

Horace Oglesby's got
half the town stirred up

over that...
that money that's gone.

Roy Coffee thought
it might be a good idea

if Daniel came down and sat
a spell in the jailhouse--

just as a guest, you understand,
not as a prisoner.

You can lock the door
from the inside

and keep the key yourself.

I'm ready. Let's, uh...

let's go.

I'll be back.

Look at that.

Eight times--

eight times that casting
came out busted.

And wouldn't you know it?

This time, it's
as solid as a dollar.

That means we could
have finished

building this whole rig.

Daniel said there weren't
nothing tougher

than making
that there casting.

Yeah, you ought to go out and
try to raise some more money.

That would be tougher.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Daniel in jail
and no money...

Hoss, you figure you can finish
building this here contraption?

Uh, no, Jigger.

I didn't even know
what we was doing

when Daniel was here
telling us how.

Maybe we ought to get drunk.

Drunk?

Drunk, I'd get up a lynch party

and hang Horace Oglesby
higher than a...

hawk's nest.

Oglesby got no call to work up
everybody agin' Dan.

Dan never took his money.

Yeah. Hit old Oglesby
in the pocketbook,

- and it sure enough hurts him.
- Yeah... Hey!

Big Red!

I'm your friend, Big Red.

You ain't got no call
to point that gun at me.

I ain't pointing it at you.

I just want you to come with me.

- Where to?
- To Burton Falls.

And when we get there,
I'm going to shoot a hole

right through Mr. Pete Long.

Pete! Is...
is that where Pete's at?

Right near there.

I got this letter from him.

Him and Throckmorton are hiding
out close to Burton Falls,

just waiting for the law
to quit looking for them.

He wants me to sneak out of town
and meet him up there.

Me! He thinks I'm a crook, too.

Why, that dirty skunk.

I may be a floozy,
but I'm an honest floozy.

You're doggone right you are.

They're staying
at the old Perkins place.

Dad-burnit,
no wonder we missed them.

Who'd have figured they'd have
gone to ground so close by?

We kept riding right on by them.

Old Throckmorton's
smart as a fox.

Yeah, but his partner ain't.

Old Pete couldn't think
a lick to begin with,

and then after he fell in love
with Big Red here,

he just went plumb simple!

No offense, Big Red.

It don't make no difference!

I'm going to shoot a hole
right through him anyway.

Now, now, Big Red, I-I don't
know nothing about that, but...

if you can ride a horse, you're
welcome to come along with me,

but this gun's got to stay.

Let's go.

Come on.

I don't blame ya for covering up
the dad-blamed casting, Jigger.

It ain't no good to us now.

I ain't covering that.
I'm uncovering this.

Hey, I put that in there
for an emergency.

When that big redhead come in
here with that there shotgun,

that makes this an emergency.

Ha-ha. Know what this is?

Tar.

These are feathers.

Tar and feathers for you,
you thieving swindler!

We'll paint you if
we have to wait a year.

Here's something else for you--

something the stockholders
wanted us to give back to you.

It's too soon.

It's too soon.

They're not ready.

They're not ready.

There are other ladies
equally fair.

Why eat your heart away for one?

There ain't but one
like Big Red.

I sure wish she'd show up.

Any reason to suppose
she might show up?

No, no.

None that I can think of.

It's just she might get lucky
or something and... run into us.

Ah! Marvelous.

Good beans, enough bread
to last us for several weeks,

a modest share of $25,000.

Your cup should be full
to overflowing, my boy.

I'd rather have Big Red.

Do you hear horses?

No. Just wedding bells.

All right, boys, just hold
it right where you are.

Well, Hoss, Red,

what an unexpected pleasure.

You're just in time
for an evening repast.

Aw, honey, I was afraid
you didn't get my letter.

Letter? What letter?

Why, you ungrateful
snake in the grass!

Don't look to me
for no sympathy,

you dirty black skunk!

If you two ain't just about
the worst reprobates

I ever seen.

Living out here in this
comfortable cabin and...

cooking beans and...

...underwear...

...while poor little
Dan Pettibone sets

in that jailhouse.

Dan's in jail?

What'd he steal?

Nothing. He got blamed
for what you stole.

You still got that money,
ain't you?

That money is a sacred trust.

We're guarding it
with our lives.

Why, every penny of it is right
there under the bed...

in that valise.

Oh!

Charge!

To the barricades!

Attack!

Hit him with something!

Oh!

Give me that.

Give me that gun!

Hey, them stove lids could
hurt a fella.

Yeah.

Yeah, looks
like it's about over.

Ooh!

Oh!

Where is that gun? Oh.

My Pete!

Sweetie pie! Sweetie pie!

You killed him!

Big Red, Pete's all right.

He went through
that wall headfirst!

Red!

Big Red?

Hey... how come
you didn't shoot me?

Ain't that...
ain't that gun loaded?

Won't it shoot?

It'll shoot.

It's a weakness I had
since I was a boy--

I never could shoot a friend.

What I can't figure out is...

why you wanted to take
that money in the first place.

If you wanted to get rich,
you could have,

you could have stayed with the
Pettibone Power Wagon Company

and got ten times richer,
just like you said.

Why did you have to steal?

Because I'm dishonest.

All right, you two stand
right there by the bar.

Stay put!

Here it is, boys,
every penny of it.

And there's Mr. Throckmorton
to tell you

how sorry him and Pete are
for trying to run off with it.

Yeah, well, I...

What's the matter
with everybody?

I brung your money back to you.

I reckon it's my place
to tell you, Hoss.

I fixed up a mess
of tar and feathers,

threatened Dan Pettibone
with them.

Doc says his heart failed him.

He passed away.

He died?

His missus said it could have
happened anytime, Hoss.

Yeah, I... I reckon I knew that.

But I'll guarantee you
one thing...

Dan Pettibone didn't die
of fright.

He wasn't scared of nobody.

That don't make the news
no better, though, does it?

He was a good little feller.

At least we got
all the money back.

I'd take it kindly

if you'd give the widow
Pettibone the money I invested.

That's-That's a lot
of money, Mr. Oglesby.

Not enough.

Not nearly enough.

Well, come on, Jeff.

Let's get back to the mine.

Jigger, ain't...

ain't you fellers gonna
take yours?

Ah, we don't want it,
don't need it.

Come on.

Yeah...

we'd spend it on booze, anyway.

And I tried to steal from them.

You know, my boy,

I'm an unmitigated scoundrel.

I shall ask the judge
for 20 years.

You know, Hoss,

Pete here never wanted
to steal that money.

All he ever wanted to do was
to marry Big Red there.

It's all he still wants to do.

Marriage?

Did anybody say "marriage"?

I did...

hunsy-bunsy.

Sweetie pie!

You know, I wonder

if the sheriff could put Pete's
bill on my tab.

Mr. Throckmorton,
I'll do everything in my power

to see that you get your wish.

Ain't much of that...
that, uh, Scottish ale--

ain't-ain't much of it left.

A couple of drops.

Mmm.

Yeah, can't get over
how pretty ol' Big Red looked

in her brand-new wedding dress.

Yeah.

Ol' Pete was as spruce
as a brand-new tattoo.

You know,
I can't get over those people

letting Throckmorton and Pete go
Scot-free,

after them stealing their money.

Well, Pa,
they didn't really steal it.

They-they were in charge
of the money, and they...

everybody figures
they just took a ride with it

and then brung it back.

Yeah.

Well, didn't-didn't Dan have
any plans for this thing?

Yeah. His missus took them back
East with her.

Said that folks
just wasn't ready for it yet.

She's gonna save them
for their boy.

I didn't know they had a boy.

Well, they ain't now,

but come the middle of June...

Dad-burnit.

I still say
it would have worked.

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