Bonanza (1959–1973): Season 13, Episode 4 - Rock-A-Bye Hoss - full transcript

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All right, all right. Now, then,
it has been moved and seconded

that the Virginia City
Merchants Association

sponsor a baby contest, huh?

I say let's have a turkey shoot.

No good. We'd have to
hold it outside of town.

Wouldn't help business at all.

And it adds a rowdy element.

Now, I say we should have
a oratory contest.

It's got class, it's got tone...



But we did that in '66,
put the whole town to sleep.

How about a pie-eating contest?

No. Fierce overhead, all them pies.

Now, I don't see the slightest objection

to us having a baby contest, hmm?

According to Lon here,

the one they had
over in Grovers Creek

just did absolute wonders
for business.

Well, there was some
kind of problem they had,

but I don't recall it.

Well, we'd have to explore
all the possibilities, Bert.

We could have a horse race.

- Outside of town.
- Wouldn't help business.

- Rowdy element.
- Oh, call the question.



Come on, I got customers waiting.

Now, then, all those in favor,
please signify by saying "aye."

Aye.

Opposed?

Motion is carried.

Now, the first thing we gotta do
is to get some judges.

Well, we could
probably get Jim Pender.

Nine kids of his own,
that oughta make him

some kind of an expert.

Oh, Rufus, I am appointing you
to the committee

for lining up the judges.

- I gotta get back to the shop.
- Yeah, good, good.

Try and get an extra one, will ya?

Now, bachelors are preferred.

I can probably get Charlie Spears.

Oh, that'd be fine.
That'd be fine. Just fine.

Well, now, I'm ready to entertain
a motion for adjournment. We...

Well, meeting is... adjourned.

Hey, Hoss?

- Hoss, hold up a minute.
- Oh, hi, Rufus.

How are you?
I was hoping to meet up with you

because we just had
a meeting in there.

- Is that a fact?
- We're gonna have

- a baby contest.
- Oh, that's good.

How'd you like to be a judge?

Me? Oh, that's sort of
out of my line, Rufus.

- Oh-o, there's nothing to it.
- Yeah?

You come into town
a week from Saturday.

You stroll along
and look at the babies,

vote for whichever one
suits your fancy,

acknowledge the applause
and so forth,

and it's a real service
to the community.

Well...

Well, I'll see you later, Lon.

- Oh, Bert?
- Hmm?

I just remembered
what that problem was

over in Grovers Creek.

The judges had an awful time.

Really?

Awful, like, there was
all kinds of pressure,

bribery, threats.

Oh, feelings were
running pretty high, huh?

Oh, one judge was took down
with a nervous affliction,

and I believe there was
some talk of actual bloodshed.

Well, that's just what we want, Lon.

We wanna get folks' interest.

You know, it seems to me
that we might have ourselves

a real jim-dandy of a fundraiser, eh?

Well, you'll never guess
what happened to me today.

Not in a million years.

You're gonna judge a baby contest.

- How'd you know that?
- Hop Sing told us.

How'd he know it?
They... They just voted on it

and I rode straight here
without telling a soul.

How'd he know that?

- He read it in a cookie.
- How'd you know that?

Word travel fast. Come, come.

Mr. Hoss Cartwright, I like
you meet my cousin, Ah Ping.

How are you, ma'am?
Happy to meet you.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
She first cousin, Lim Toy.

This, Ah Ping, second cousin.

- How do you do?
- Oh, I'm fine.

Happy to meet you, ma'am.

Mr. Hoss, you take close look.

Put out finger, let him play with it.

Perhaps most beautiful baby

in all Virginia City.

Yeah!

Hop Sing,
I think you're trying to influence me.

Oh... Oh, just help make up mind.

Face fact, Ah Ping most beautiful.

That's shameful.
No offense to you, ma'am.

I'm happy to meet you
and see your lovely baby.

But Hop Sing, I will not be influenced.

I'll make up my mind
the day of the contest,

and until then,
I'll remain completely impartial.

Don't worry, I fix.

I show him! I show...

Can you imagine that?
He tried to sway me!

Well, Hoss, I'm afraid you're
gonna come across a lot of that.

Oh, I don't know why.

For the same reason
Hop Sing tried to get to you.

Oh, this whole thing is just for fun.

It's just a jolly occasion.

I can't really see
anybody getting serious

about the whole thing.

- Hello, Cissy.
- Hello, Edith.

Aw, little Michael.

Are you, uh, entering Michael?

Yes, of course. What about you?

Oh, I really don't know, Cissy.

The whole thing seems such
a bother, so artificial.

I understand exactly how you feel.

Little Sally does favor her father.

I do hope you enter the contest,
though.

It's the spirit that counts.
Nice to see you, dear.

My, yes.

Hello, Clara.

You know that gorgeous
powder blue organdy?

Oh, yes, I'm gonna get some.

She bought every scrap,
six and a half yards.

Why, that's the loveliest material
in town.

And you only need a yard
for a baby dress.

Why, that... witch!

- Precisely.
- Well, I...

I guess I'm just gonna
have to see what I can do

with that eggshell white.

Oh, uh, Edith, dear,
I'm afraid I got that.

- Why, hello, Cissy.
- Hello, Roseann.

I suppose you're entering Michael.

Oh, yes, of course.
And you're entering little...

Uh, Johnny.

Oh, Cissy, I don't know what to do.

Are you going to much trouble...
I mean, to dress him up and all that?

Oh, my, no. No bother at all.

Just his regular clothes.

After all, Roseann,
it is a baby contest,

not a dress contest.

Oh, you're so right.

Cissy, that is a load off my mind.

Yes, I think I can
let them down about an inch.

But this is the last time.
There isn't any more material.

- That'll be fine.
- Can I go change now, ma'am?

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

How long you reckon it'll be?

Well, I'm pretty swamped
with baby dresses right now.

- Yeah.
- Uh... day after tomorrow?

That'll be fine.

Oh, good morning, Mrs. Porter.

Hello, Elaine. Hoss Cartwright!

Howdy, Mrs. Porter.

Oh, Hoss, now,
my friends call me Cissy.

Yessum.

Handsome as ever, isn't he, Elaine?

Yes, indeed.

I understand you're going
to judge the contest.

Well, that... That's true.

Me and Jim Pender
and Charlie Spears.

Well, of course.

But I don't doubt that
you'll be the backbone,

the mainstay of the judging.

I'd like your opinion as to...

Miss Porter, I gotta tell you
what I've told the other ladies.

I can't look at that baby.

I can't even discuss that contest.

I gotta keep myself plumb impartial.

Admirable. Totally admirable.

Yeah.

- Hello, Jamie.
- Oh, hello, ma'am.

- Here are the pants.
- Yeah, come on Jamie, let's go.

- Oh.
- Good day, ladies.

- Good day.
- Bye-bye.

- Would you excuse me a moment?
- Mmm-hmm.

Tiresome man.

He wouldn't even look at Michael.

He insisted I put Jennifer
in the other room

while he was here.

- You're entering the child?
- I suppose, yes.

I never was too clear
on the relationship.

I'm her guardian.

I want, uh, a dress for Michael...

Your prettiest pattern
out of that material,

with a little white collar.

And edge it with this lace
down the front and on the wrists.

Well...

What are the other women
having made?

Nothing quite like this.

Edith Metcalf and Roseanne Tait?

No, not this elaborate.

Good!

A pretty frame helps a pretty picture.

I want Michael to have
the finest clothes in the contest.

I think he will.

That includes Jennifer.

I don't expect my dressmaker's child

to show up in something
finer than I'm paying for.

Is that clear, Miss Summers?

Yes.

I intend to win.

Now, show me some patterns.

You have some visitors, son.

Hello, Hoss. I do hope
you like coconut cake

as much as my husband does!

Well, ladies,
it's awful nice of you to come

and bring the cake and all that,

but I... I can't
look at none of those babies.

I gotta... I gotta stay impartial.

I gotta... I gotta go up
and change my pants,

that's what I gotta do.

Well, I never!

Afternoon, Mr. Cartwright.

You like almond cookie?

- Jim! Jim Pender.
- Howdy, Mark.

I'd like to talk to you a minute.

Uh, well, I got a little time.

Uh, as long it ain't
about this dang baby contest.

Well, seeing as how
you're one of the judges,

I'm afraid that's the topic.

Here, Jamie.
Run and get them supplies.

I'll meet you back here at the buggy.

- All right, I'll see you later.
- Yeah.

- Hoss, I wanna talk to you.
- Well, howdy, Clara.

This ain't nothing that's gonna
influence my decision, is it?

Certainly not, but there is information

that you ought to be
officially aware of

if you're gonna do your job properly.

Well, I reckon that's all right.

This is strictly confidential.

Yeah?

Clara, you oughta be
ashamed of yourself.

I'm doing no more
than my simple duty.

Passing on delicious gossip like that!

Then why does Edith Weston
always keep her child

covered from head to toe?

I ain't gonna listen to no more of that.

- Can you walk all right?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, I can manage.

- Jim, here's your hat.
- Oh, thank you. Thank you.

You got it all straight now,
how to vote?

Oh, yes. Yes, indeed. Uh-huh.

We don't like doing this, Jim,

but you know, we had to do it
on account of Roseann.

Uh, all right, listen,
you don't have to tell me

anything about women.

- No hard feelings.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

Listen... No, no. No.

Hi!

Jamie's trousers are ready.

Ah, good.

Dang burn it, can you fix this for me
before the contest, Elaine?

I expect. You sound mad as a hornet.

Well, I am. Dad burn women anyhow.

You're quite right.

- Huh?
- Women.

Are you sure you'd like to kiss me?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

Hey, what's the matter?

You're not very interested.

Sure, I am.

You don't sound like it.

Well, I am.

How much?

Oh... quite a bit.

A whole lot.

All right.

What's wrong?

You didn't say when you'd do it.

This afternoon?

Promise?

Cross my heart.

Not while the boy's with him.

We'll have to get him later.

Hyah!

I think it turned out beautifully,
Mrs. Porter.

Michael will look adorable in it.

Hmm.

Jennifer looks so much like you.

Well, that's natural...
My sister's baby.

Oh, of course, your sister's child.

I hope it's short enough.
I want his cute little feet to show.

She's dead?

Mmm-hmm, in childbirth.

I'm sure I told you about it,
Mrs. Porter,

when I brought Jennifer back.

- From Sacramento?
- Mmm-hmm.

What about the father?

Strikes me he should be
taking care of his own child.

He's a drunkard.
She's better off with me.

When you make the bonnet,

cut it so that it frames his face
and doesn't cover it,

so everyone can see
what a beautiful child he is.

All right.

What was your sister's married name?

- Bayfield.
- Hmm.

It's really very nice.

I have relatives
in Sacramento, you know?

Oh.

I'll pick the dress up with the bonnet.

Hello. I want to send
a telegram to Sacramento.

Bert, I thought we had
this deal all worked out.

Uh, yes, but in looking
over the contract,

there were one or two little points.

Well, let's get them cleared up.

Uh, you know my son,
Bert Jr., don't you?

Oh, yes.

But I don't think you have ever seen
my new little granddaughter, Millicent.

Well, that's this got to do
with the contract?

Uh, nothing.

And on the other hand, everything.

Ben, I don't quite know
how to go about this.

Well, let me help you.

My son Hoss is judging
a baby contest.

Well, then, let's get down to cases.

Whoa, whoa.

Don't look like there's been
no woman-type females around.

Well, just a minute,
I'll go check inside.

Yeah, good idea.

Good news. Coast is clear.

Yeah, good.

Let's get this stuff unloaded.

Here, I can take care
of the supplies, Hoss. No trouble.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I can do any other chores
you'd like me to handle also.

Sweep out the stable,
chop some firewood,

anything at all.

You, uh... You feeling all right?

- Yeah, just fine.
- Yeah?

You know, all the way back from town,
you didn't open your mouth.

- Didn't I?
- No.

If you ain't sick,
you got something on your mind.

What is it?

Well, you know
that girl in town, Cathie?

- Yeah?
- Yeah, well, you see,

she's got this brother.

Is he giving you trouble?

Oh, no, no, that's her other brother.

I'm talking about her little brother.

Oh. How little?

- He's a baby.
- Ah!

- Yeah, but he's real...
- And he's pretty,

and he's beautiful,
and he's sweet, and he's nice,

- and all them things, right?
- Yeah, how'd you know?

Yeah, because every baby in town is,
all of a sudden, that's how come!

I don't know what kind of female wile

- she's pulling on you...
- Real nice.

But you just tell her
it didn't take, you hear?

I ain't gonna be influenced,
got to or taken by nobody

under no circumstances,
you understand that?

- You have to consider...
- Now, I don't wanna hear

no more about it, Jamie, that's it!

- But, Hoss...
- No, I don't wanna hear it.

Pa, you can't believe
what's going on in town

with the folks about that baby contest.

Oh, I think I could, Hoss.

Bert Rupert put the pressure
on me to persuade you

to vote for his grandchild.

- Is that a fact?
- Mmm-hmm.

Well, I... I wish there was something
I could do about it, Pa, but I can't.

Well, there's no need.

I just told him
I didn't do business that way.

Yeah, good.

It's just hard to believe
that human beings

can act like that.
You'd be surprised, Pa...

You can't imagine
what some of them women are...

Are telling me
about other women's babies.

It's just terrible! It's awful!

Hoss...

Maybe it'd be an idea
for you to just withdraw.

No, that wouldn't do no good.
They'd just get somebody else,

and he'd probably be...
Be influenceable.

Hey, Jess has got
that broodmare out back.

Oh, yeah? How does she look?

I think you oughta take a look at her.

Well, I'll do that just before supper.

Dad burn it anyhow.

What's the matter, brother?
You got trouble?

Yeah... Hey, Joe, I ask you,

what do folks take me for anyhow?

- That's hard to say.
- Why, you'd...

You'd think they figured I had no more
backbone than a willow branch

in a windstorm.

- Oh, the baby contest, huh?
- Yeah, I've been cussed,

coaxed, begged,
bartered, lied to, stole...

As if any of that kind of treatment
would make me

make up my mind
before the contest... Ha!

You got too much character for that.

Yeah.

I'm glad you see that.

That's one of the things
that's always made me proud

to have you as a brother... Integrity!

Yeah, thanks, Joe.

It's the backbone of a man, integrity.

Yeah.

Got a $100 prize in that contest, huh?

- Yeah.
- Shoo. That's a lot of money, huh?

Sure is.

Nice if, uh, somebody
who really needed it won it.

You, uh, got somebody
in particular in mind?

No! No, just making a statement.

It'd be nice if whoever won it
was somebody that needed it.

Oh.

Good.

I guess I'm just getting
a little gun-shy,

that's all, Joe. I'm sorry.

Of course, there is
the widow, Cumberland.

- A-ha! A-ha!
- What do you mean "A-ha?"

- I knew it!
- Look, I just said a name.

I didn't mean anything by it.
It's a name!

I can think of at least
nine deserving people,

like Elaine Summers, for example!

All right, all right, forget it.
I didn't mean anything by it.

- Supper ready.
- Sheesh.

Supper ready, gentlemen.

- Well, good.
- Touchy.

After that mutton hash last night,
I need a decent meal.

You know, that Tommy Kellerman
happens to be a cute kid.

- Oh, will you get off of that?
- Okay.

Meal looks pretty good.

Hash. Mutton hash again, Pa.

- I kinda like it.
- Well, I hate it!

I know. You like thick steak,
hash brown potato,

hot apple pie with cream.

That's right.

Can have, when you vote for Ah Ping.

Otherwise, mutton hash.

Well, I ain't a-eating mutton hash.

I ain't gonna be influenced at no cost.

Well... I better be heading on home.

Same here.

Supper's probably burned to a frazzle.

You're lucky.

All I got to look forward to
is hard words and cold mush.

I'm gonna have another drink.

Same here.

- Hello, Hoss.
- Howdy.

Hey, what's the matter
with all these fellers anyhow?

Oh, a variety of things.

But most of them,
their home life's all tore up

because of this baby contest.

Well, ain't that too bad.

Bring me a big T-bone,

some potatoes,
a big slab of apple pie, huh?

Sure is great for business.

Say, Hoss, I hear
the baby contest's a boat race.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, the word is out
you've been fixed.

Where'd you hear a thing like that?

Well, it's common talk
in the Chinese community.

Well, it's a lie.

- Straight goods?
- You know me better than that.

Thanks.

Gents, I'll cover all bets
on the baby contest.

How can you set odds
on a thing like that?

Well, it's like a maiden horse race,

where you look at the sire
and the dam.

Only in this case,
you consider the parents.

Sounds reasonable.

Not to me, it don't.

I never seen this town
so worked up about anything.

You think this is bad.
You just wait 'til it's all over.

We're gonna have one winner,

we're gonna have
a whole bunch of weeping women.

But it has been very good
for business.

I hate to tell you
how bad it has been for my marriage.

The whole town's
accusing us of cheating,

having our own kids
entered in the contest.

Yeah. As sponsors, we just
should have had better sense.

Oh, well, next time we'll know better.

As far as I'm concerned,
there ain't gonna be no next time.

Wouldn't have helped none.

Our womenfolk would have
talked us into it anyway.

It kind of reminds me of a story
I learned once in school.

I don't remember no story
about no baby contest in school.

Oh, no,
it's about some Greek goddess.

A nasty female

put up a golden apple
for the most beautiful woman.

Well, that caused so much trouble,

it started the Punic War
and the founding of Rome.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

That was the Trojan War
and the destruction of Troy.

Oh, whatever. But the point is,
it was the women done it.

Yeah, well, it's the men

that's putting the pressure
on me at the moment.

Yeah, and I'll bet
behind every single one of 'em

there was a woman.

That's right.

But them that put up the golden apple
is a bunch of greedy men.

Well, we've got to keep
the economy moving somehow.

It's just up to us men
to keep the women under control.

Why, Lon, as I recall,
you're a bachelor.

Now, some of these married men

might find that
a bit more difficult than you.

- 25-to-1 for my kid?
- Mmm-hmm.

Those are awful long odds.

I think they're fair, considering.

I think you just insulted my wife.

Oh, no, no, no.
She's a fine looking lady.

Then you insulted me.

Hey, what's going on here?
Stop the fighting!

Get out of here, all of you!
Don't wreck that! Hey!

Be careful with my steak!

- Hey, Hoss!
- Hi, Mark.

- You got a minute?
- Well, yeah.

I was just looking for a peaceful place
to get a bite to eat, but...

How does a slab of roast,
taters, and pie sound to you?

Why, that sounds mighty fine to me.

Well, you just come right on in.

We were just getting ready to dig in.

- Yeah?
- We'll fix you up.

Now, wait!
It ain't gonna work, boy!

- The baby's got to win!
- I ain't gonna do it!

I ain't... I ain't gonna do it!

Today's getting harder and harder
to be impartial around here.

Suppose Cissy Porter wins.

Clara, who cares?

Edith, honey,
it's not the end of the world.

Suppose Cissy Porter wins.

Do you know
what Cissy Porter spent?

Hang Cissy Porter!
What is worth $10.75?

A new baby bunting, some ribbon.

Will you please come to bed?

How can you sleep
at a time like this?

In the name of mercy, Edith,
what do you want me to do?

Boy, you nearly frightened me
to death, Hoss.

Well, it serves you right,
sneaking around here

in the kitchen at this time of night.

Well, I was just hungry.

Well, if you'd eat your supper
like you were supposed to,

you wouldn't be running
around here like a packrat.

I got an excuse.
Uh, I ain't eaten since dinner.

Look, if you're gonna
hang around,

might as well give us some light.

You bet.

What happened to you?
Who ran into you?

- Ah, the Tait brothers.
- All three of 'em?

- Yeah.
- Wow.

I wish I'd have been there.
It must have been a whopper.

Wasn't nothing to it.

They should have known better
than to try to influence me like that.

- The baby contest again?
- Yeah.

It seems like that's all
that's on people's mind nowadays.

There ain't no end
as to what they'll go to

to try to get my vote.

I guess you've got an apology coming.

Oh, they apologized, all right.

No, not them... Me.

For what?

Well, you know,
I tried to get you to vote

for Cathie's little brother like that.

Oh, yeah.

You ought not to have done that,
Jamie.

Yeah, I know. I'm awful sorry, Hoss.

Well, I figure she must have put
some kind of real pressure on you.

She sure did.

It was still a mistake, though.

Yes, sir.

But, there's nothing
to worry too much about.

I mean, a man's got to learn
by his mistakes, ain't he?

That's right.

I mean, he ought to do what's right
if it takes the hide off his back.

That's right. Right.

No matter how much
pressure's put on him.

- Right.
- I mean, it's immoral for a man

to put pressure on another man
for his own selfish reasons.

That's right.

Of course Cathie's little brother
is a cute little tyke, ain't he?

But, you see,
your putting pressure on me

wouldn't have made me vote for him.

No, sir. It sure wouldn't have.

Well, there's a bright side
to everything, Jamie.

You learned a good lesson,
didn't you, boy?

Yes, sir. I sure did.

Good.

- You know, he is kind of cute, ain't he?
- Yeah.

Then you think you might
vote for him, Hoss?

Will you tell him or shall I?

You'll have to do your own
dirty work, Mrs. Porter.

Hello, Hoss.

Howdy, Mrs. Porter.

Elaine, somebody said
you wanted to see me.

Not really, Hoss.

It was my suggestion.

I sent a telegram to my uncle
in Sacramento a few days ago.

I got this answer back
from him this morning.

Somebody named Bayfield.
What's this all about?

Bayfield was her sister's name.

Presumably.

You recall Elaine left town
rather suddenly, a year ago?

Yeah, when her sister had the baby.

- In Sacramento.
- Right.

Then she came back
six months ago with a baby girl.

Well, yeah, I remember.
Her sister passed away and...

So Elaine claims.

But my uncle tells me
that there is no record

of any marriage in Sacramento

involving anyone
by the name of Bayfield.

Or a death.

Or the birth of a child.

Well... Well, somebody's just
made a mistake, that's all.

Somebody did. Elaine.

Little Jennifer is her child,
born out of wedlock.

What? I don't believe that.

If I should tell that story
to the first lady I meet,

show her this telegram,

all of Virginia City
would know about it

and believe it inside of an hour.

Well, why would you want
to do a thing like that?

I mean, just spreading
malicious gossip.

There ain't no point.

But there is.

And that's exactly
what I'm going to do,

unless my son Michael
wins first prize in the baby contest.

Oh.

This ain't my house,
but I'm taking the liberty.

Get out of here.

You get out of here right now
and don't you ever come back.

Now, go on, get out of here.

You can't mistake him.

He'll be wearing a blue organdy dress.

It's the only one in town.

She'd have to leave Virginia City...

At the very least.

Why, if this ain't the dadburnest
carryings on I ever heard tell of.

She could ruin you
and little Jennifer with that lie.

It's not a lie, Hoss.

I never had a sister.

I never had a husband.

But I do have Jennifer.

Well, that's... That's all that
really counts then, ain't it?

To me, it is.

I thought I had it all worked out
so she'd have a decent, proper life.

Now it looks like
the sins of the mother

will be visited upon
her poor, innocent head.

All because of
a dadburned baby contest.

We got to call
this whole thing off.

No question about it.
It's really gotten out of hand.

Well, I wish we could,
but we've done all this business.

Why, folks have spent their money.

If we call this contest off
at the last minute,

it'll cause no end of trouble.

You saw what happened
in the saloon the other night.

Everybody is all stirred up.

Well, we should have
took the ladies into account.

They've turned this whole thing
into a regular alley cat fracas.

I... I could quit.

Yeah. Yeah, Hoss, you could quit.

That would leave it
up to Charley Spears.

Well, he... He took to hiding.

And Jim Pinder.

He took to his bed.

Neither one of them are exactly
a pillar of strength, are they?

Well, whatever your problem is, Hoss,

you are the only one that can decide
whether quitting will solve it.

No. I reckon it wouldn't.

Hop Sing!

Evening, Hoss.

Oh. Hi, Pa.

- Something wrong?
- Yeah.

Can I help?

Pa, I don't even
want to talk about it now.

Aah!

I think everybody's here.

Okay.

A fanfare please.

Um...

Well, that's all right.
Thank you, thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it is my happy pleasure

to welcome you all here today

on behalf of the Virginia City
Merchant's Association.

Now, as you all know,
we are gathered here today

to select
the most beautiful baby

in all of Virginia City,

and the first prize is $100...

And this rather charmingly
engraved loving cup.

Yes, now,
if all you ladies and parents will...

Will kindly place your babies
in those numbered baskets

that we have lined up
across the room.

Just place your babies in the baskets,
and then we'll, uh, get started.

Uh, play... Uh, please.

Charlie, put that bottle away.

I... I got a problem.

You ought not to be drinking
at a time like this.

I'm scared. Look.

Do you see that big fella
out there in the red shirt?

The one with the bullwhip?

Yeah. That's my cousin,
Torger Andersen.

He's gonna flog me.

The Tait Brothers
are gonna beat me up

and Milo Stevens is gonna
keep my cattle from water.

That's a good problem.

You boys ready?

Yeah. We're as ready
as we're ever gonna be.

Come on, boys.
Let's get it over with.

Come on.

Oh, fanfare.

Here are our judges!

Now, if you ladies and parents
will just step back.

Just step back from the baskets

so the judges can have
a good, clear look.

Uh... Uh...

Uh, play, uh, something.

Uh, shall we discuss or vote?

Uh, let's vote.

All right. You first.

Anderson.

Tait. Hoss?

It's just no use, boys.
It's got to be unanimous.

Well, let's go again. You first.

Uh-huh. Stevens.

Anderson.

Now, come on, Charlie.

At least, I showed that
I was willing to change.

But I ain't willing
to get myself horsewhipped.

You're both making me sick.

You're just voting where

the pressure's been put on you,
that's all.

Now, Hoss is right.

Now, let's...
Let's just put the pressures

out of our mind altogether.

Now let's just vote
for the most beautiful baby.

- Right.
- Right. Right.

- Let the chips fall where they may.
- Very good.

- Tait.
- Now, there you go again.

Well, maybe I really and truly think

Roseann Tait's baby's
the most beautiful.

About the same way
I think Torger's is.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, boys.

There's got to be a right,
honest and honorable way

out of this somehow.

Well, um, suppose that we eliminate

everybody that's put pressure on us?

It's worth a try.

Let's go look at them.

By glory, that eliminates
all but two... Grogan's kid.

And the dressmaker's baby.

Yeah, and...

There's a reason
I can't vote for that baby.

Then there's our winner.
We give it to Grogan's kid.

Wait.

Let's go back out there
and look one more time,

just to make sure, huh?

Fanfare.

And now, here are the judges
with the verdict.

Not yet, Bert. Not yet.

We want to take one more look.
Just one more.

Which one is Grogan's?

This one.

Music, uh, please.

That thing looked like
a snaggle-toothed coyote.

What are we going to do now?
Hoss, you got to start voting.

I'm just looking for justice, boys,
that's all.

Justice? I'd settle not getting killed.

What's holding you up?
The crowd's getting awful restless.

Well, we're working on it.

Maybe we could, uh, report like a...
Like a hung jury?

Hung. That... That... That...
That's very good.

I'll tell you what
we're going to do, boys.

We're going to vote,
and we're going to vote honest.

No, no.

There ought to be a smarter way
out of it than that.

Things ain't that bad. Are they?

They are.

Now, remember,

it's got to be the most beautiful baby,
and it's got to be honest.

It's got to be unanimous, too.

Very well, gentlemen.

Let's go.

Fanfare.

And now, here's the verdict.

Well, we've reached a verdict,
all right,

but before I tell you what it is,

I got a few things I want to say to you.

First of all, I ain't never,
in all my years in Virginia City,

seen or heard so much backbiting
and blackmailing and badmouthing

that took place
the last few days over this...

This baby contest.

So, help me,
I can't see anybody out there

that ought not to be
plum ashamed of themselves

for some of the things
they've done to win this contest.

Let me tell you something,
all kids are winners.

All babies are beautiful.

That is, until their parents
get ahold of them

and start teaching them to cheat
and lie and...

And hurt their fellow humans.

Which is what every one of you
is apparently going to do

from the way
you've been acting here lately.

If it was left up to me,

I'd give a prize
to every one of the babies,

but I sure wouldn't give none
to none of the parents.

You're going to have
an awful hard time, some of you,

facing your neighbors
the next few days.

And you're even going
to have a rougher time

facing your youngins
when they grow up

and find out what you've done
to win this here trophy.

Well, we've...

We've done what you asked us to do.

We've voted and we voted honest.

And we've come to a decision.

And we find the most
beautiful baby to be Michael Porter.

Uh, congratulations, Cissy.

Thank you, Bert.

I am so very grateful

for the honor
which has been done me,

of having my son, Michael,

officially recognized as the most
beautiful baby in Virginia City.

This is the proudest
and happiest moment of my life.

Clara.

Clara.

Roseann, would you like to see it?

I don't care. I don't.

I've got the prize.

Good.

Hang on to it.

I suppose you'll want this.

You kept your part of the bargain.

You really can't believe
that we voted honestly, can you?

I mean, you really don't believe
that your baby's the prettiest.

Well, of course he is. I know that.

No, you don't.

Not really.

If you did, then you wouldn't
have done all of this

to see to it
that he won the contest.

That's sort of sad.

I hope you keep this
from Michael.

If he ever found out about it,
I'm afraid he'd think about

as much of his mother as I do.

Enjoy your trophy.

You probably won't be needing this,
but just in case.

Thank you, Hoss, for everything.

What was that all about?

Just a little matter of simple justice.

I'll explain it over supper.

Well, good.

It'll take your mind off
the mutton-hash.

Oh, no. He wouldn't.

Well, Hop Sing has
his own ideas about justice.

Yeah, he would.

You might even love it.