Bonanza (1959–1973): Season 12, Episode 28 - An Earthquake Called Callahan - full transcript

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No, sir, we're going to settle up
right here and now.

Mr. Callahan.

What?

You beat him fair and square,
didn't you?

Yeah.

Then there's no getting around it,
you owe me.

For the last time, let me be.

My nose is busted.

No, it ain't,
it's just bent a little bit.



Why don't you boys settle up
and stop grumping at one another?

I mean it, Ed.

I'm gonna tell
everybody in Virginia City

what a welsher you are.

Don't you do that.

I will. You won't be able
to hold your head up in that town.

I'll meet your trouble.

Now, listen, a bet's a bet,
and I want my money.

You're taking advantage.

Going to fix you, Dusty.

Well, you're welcome to try.

Fix you good!

You can't do nothing to me.

All right, all right,
I'll give him the money back.



That'll settle it.

Well, I'm sorry, Dusty,
but I've got to hold that for evidence.

But Ed's lying!

Well, maybe,
but he gave me a signed statement

that you took that money by force,
robbed him.

Dusty, did you pull a gun on him?

Heck no.

What, did you hit him or nothing?

No, sir.

Well, was anybody
with you over at Cross Creek?

I mean, did anybody actually see
Ed hand the money over to you?

Callahan.

Who's he?

The fella Ed had the prize fight with.

He gives anybody 20 bucks
that can stay three rounds with him.

Where's he now?

He said he was headed
for Gurney's Landing.

- Well, I'll go get him.
- You better be quick.

Court's gonna start
setting on Wednesday.

- You want me to go with you?
- No, no, one man can do this.

- Be careful out there.
- Joe, I'm counting on you!

Don't you worry, I'll have this Callahan
back in plenty of time.

Take it easy, Dusty.

Howdy.

I'm closed up.

And mind where your horse steps.

Frank Moore's handle's been
knocked off.

It might be out there
in the dirt somewhere.

So you had a little trouble, huh?

You might say.

I... I wonder if you could help me.

I'm looking for a fella named Callahan.

Mr. Callahan
favored us with his presence

for a brief spell this morning, yes.

Yeah, well,
you know which way he went?

I know where I hope and pray he went.

But the last time I seen him,
he was headed north.

- Thanks.
- Will you do me a favor?

The minute you see him,
pick up a rock.

No, a two-by-four...

A heavy two-by-four,
and hit him with it.

I'll do what I can.

You best get him from behind!

He's pretty high-spirited!

You think you can take him, Shad?

I can beat any man born of woman.

You guarantee that?

- I ain't got time now.
- I just want to ask you...

- I'm busy, busy, busy.
- All right, now, boys,

I'll make it even money
just to get some exercise.

I'll take about 20 of that.

You're on, Shorty.
Lay it right down there.

Excuse, excuse me.

I'll cover anything
up to a thousand, friend.

No, no bets.

Is there a fella
named Callahan around?

Yeah, but not for long.

My boy Shad here
is about to destroy him.

I'm gonna pound him
right down into the ground.

Yeah, time to get going.

Hey...

When are you gonna pound him
into the ground?

Right now.

I don't care.

Me and my boys.

Hey, I'm looking
for a fella named Callahan.

That's two bits.

Let's hear it for the boy!

Come on now, let's hear it!

Now, most of you know me.

I'm Alex Steiner.

And this is the one's
gonna be doing all the fighting,

my head bouncer, Shad Willis!

And I'm covering
any and all Callahan money.

Let's go!

You ain't a fighter, are you?

I sure am, bucko.
I'm doomsday on the hoof.

Oh, you look more like
jelly on a plate to me.

Get your money on me,
boys, easy pickin's today.

Now, Otto here is gonna favor you

with a few more songs
on his mouth organ.

Mr. Callahan?

I'm Joe Cartwright.
Can I talk to you for a minute?

All right.

Well, what can I do for you?

You were in a town
called Cross Creek

- day before yesterday.
- Yeah.

And you had a fight there
with a fella named Myers, Ed Myers.

Could have been
Commodore Vanderbilt for all I know.

Never asked the names.

You know how much
we took in? 16.75.

You'll have to cut
the prize back to $15.

Yeah, I suppose.

This fella Myers, he's tall, heavyset.

Well, they generally are.

Yeah, well, he had a side bet

with a friend of mine
named Dusty Rhodes.

Yeah, well, there's always
a lot of betting going on.

16.75. I knew this was a hungry town.

Yeah, but you remember this,
it was a $100 bet.

Watch that!

Old Bob here,
he's strictly one-man dog.

Sorry.

Yeah, well...

See, Dus... Dusty said you were there
when Myers paid him off.

Something like that comes to mind.

You know who your old
buddy is, don't you?

But Mr. Callahan,
this is very important...

That dog might've taken
your arm right off.

Callahan, will you please pay
attention to this gentleman?

Thank you.

Look, my friend Dusty's in jail

and he needs you
to testify so he can get out.

Oh, that's too bad.

Sounds like Otto's dying out there.

Better go whip 'em up...

- My friend's in jail.
- Sorry, can't help you.

All he needs...

He can be rather difficult.

Yeah.

Come on, kick it up!

Camptown racetrack's five miles long

Oh, de doo-da day

Goin' to run all night

Doo-da, doo-da

Kick it up, come on, now!

Can't you boys sing?

Goin' to run all night

Goin' to run all day

I bet my money on a bob-tailed nag

Somebody bet on the gray

I went down there
with my hat caved in

Doo-da, doo-da

I came back home
with a pocket full of tin

Oh, de doo-da day

Come on, everybody sing!

Look at that dancing lily.

I wonder when we're gonna
get around to the fighting.

Goin' to run all day

I bet my money on a bob-tailed nag

Somebody bet on the gray

The Camptown ladies sing this song

Doo-da, doo-da...

That's pretty.

Thank you.

My name's Joe Cartwright.

My name's Angeline.

Hi.

You know that man
Callahan fought in Cross Creek?

He had a scar on the side of his face.

That's... that's Ed Myers, all right.

Well, then, perhaps I could help you,
Mr. Cartwright.

All right, just tell me
what happened after the fight.

Well, um, Callahan knocked him out.

I was terribly worried

because Mr. Meyers didn't
come to for ten or 15 minutes.

Then he got into a fight about money
with another gentleman.

That's your Mr. Rhodes, I imagine.

Yeah.

You know, what...
what happened then?

Then I excused myself.

They were starting
to use strong language.

Sorry.

Was anybody else there?

Well, just Callahan.

Does that help you at all?

Yeah.

Then for sure,
Callahan is the one I need.

The Camptown racetrack's
five miles long

Oh, doo-da day

Goin' to run all night

Goin' to run all day

I bet my money on a bob-tailed nag

Somebody bet on the gray

What about the fight, Callahan?

Or can I have the next dance?

Hey, hold it, hold it here!

I heard something.

You boys hear it?

I said, let's get on with the fight.

There it is again.

Otto, you said you got
all the jackasses out of here.

I'll show you who's a jackass.

Oh, you don't have to, I can see.

Does your mother know
where you are?

Leave my mother out of this.

Oh, well, somebody's got to come here
and pick up your remains.

Why don't you sit down?

You'll get your boxing lesson
soon enough.

All right, Otto!

All right, kids!

An exhibition, the likes of which
you have never seen in your lives!

Now, now, gentlemen.

For this demonstration,
I need two strong men.

I'm on next.

Can we have
a couple of volunteers here?

Come on now, how about you?

Come on, step up here.

One of you boys over there?

Would you like
to come watch my performance?

Oh... you bet,
I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, I can't talk anymore,

I've got to get in the mood
for my performance.

Oh, okay.

Come on here, boys.

All right, one of you here.

That's good, right there.

The one and only Angeline!

All right, now,
let's have a little quiet, boys!

A little quiet for a great artist.

All right, dig your heels in, boys.

Dig 'em in there.

All right, you ready, Angeline?

One...

Two...

Three!

It's hard to believe, ain't it?

And now, this two-inch solid oak plank.

Here, hold onto that boys.

Grab it hard.

Right before your eyes!

Well...

I bet you never saw
anything like that before.

Well, that's the honest-to-goodness
truth, I never did.

I don't mean to sound over proud,
but I'm about the best there is.

Yeah, well, I... can see that.

Oh, no, this wasn't
one of my best performances.

I'm a lot better
when I have a big audience.

Look, look, if you'd
just ride back with me

to Virginia City with me and see...

Well, that sounds like
a lot of bother to me.

Well, now, Callahan,
you were there and...

But he's a growed man.

He ought to be able
to take care of himself.

What am I, some kind of
wet nurse or something?

All right, gents!

That's what you came here for.

Somebody help get that poor specimen
on his feet and into the ring.

I'll give him $20
if he lasts three rounds with me.

What'll happen to your friend?

He may go to prison.

I guess I did catch Callahan
at a bad time.

Oh, I don't believe there is
a good time to catch Callahan.

All right, he's your man.

50 bucks he doesn't go the distance.

You got a bet.

All right, Otto.

Does he ever lose?

Sometimes, but he can't today.

Yeah? How come?

Well, he hasn't got $20.

What odds you give
he can't knock me down again?

Two to one.

$50.

Callahan, Callahan...

You waiting to talk to Mr. Callahan?

- Yeah.
- Well, here's his watch.

Give it to him when it's over.

The round lasts three minutes.

Two thing a rube will kill you for...

fiddling around with his woman
or betting money you ain't got.

Come on, Angeline,
there's a back way out.

Where's Otto?

Uh, he had to go somewhere.

Looks like we'll take some money
out of this town after all.

Mr. Callahan?

I know this is probably a bad time...

Sure is.

All right, all right, all right.

Break it up, break it up, break it up.

Now, now!

There's some time left.

The fight's over.

Everybody go home now,
get on out of here.

This here is an illegal assembly.

Now, sorry, boys, all bets are off.

You!

If you so much as bat an eye,
I'm gonna bend your head.

You're under arrest.

Willard, take him away.

I want my money back!

14, 15, 16 dollars and...

75 cents.

Now, you're charged with putting on
a prize fight without no permit.

Now, that could get you
90 days or $100, or both.

Why don't you make it five
and we'll call it square?

Five?

Well, look, Marshal, now,
it's gonna cost this city to feed me.

And oh, I'm a big eater.

Then there's my team
over at the livery stable

and if they don't
get good oats regularly,

they're gonna kick that place apart,
and then this...

We'd just be more trouble
than we're worth, Marshal.

Well, that's the unvarnished truth.

All right...

$15 fine.

Let's make it ten. We gotta eat.

All right.

And you've got ten minutes
exactly to get out of town.

Oh, now, wait a minute,
Marshal, that's not fair...

I mean, I can't even load
my wagon that fast.

We gotta eat.

"We?" Where do you get this "we?"

Who said anything
about you going to eat?

Well, I was gonna
talk to you for a few minutes.

This man is a breathing disaster.

He weren't in town 15 minutes,

and he practically ruined
one of our town's leading citizens.

Oh, wasn't nothing
but a little scuffle, that's all.

Scuffle?

Now, the victim, he don't think so.

He's all laid up in bed.

His spine's all throwed out

and the doctor's
got his jaw strapped shut.

And then, then he tries
to pick a fight with Shad.

I ain't gonna start any more trouble.

Marshal, if you've seen this
young lady's performance,

she's really knocks herself out.

She's got to be hungry.

All right.

It's against my better judgment, but...

You got two hours to get out of town.

Just exactly two hours.

And I'm gonna hold you
personally responsible.

Thank you.

I like to fight somebody
soon as I hit town.

Makes the locals mad.

Then they go trying to find
somebody to beat me, like Shad.

Then you bet on yourself, huh?

Of course, that's who's gonna win.

Beer and steaks all around, Harry.

It's kind of like an advertisement.

Well, well, look who's here.

You don't care who comes in, do you?

Don't pay any attention to him.

Good steak.

That way I work up a crowd.

What sort of woman goes around
busting barrels with her head, huh?

Well, I'll tell you what sort.

Very unnatural.

It rattles the brain,
unsettles the reasoning.

- Excuse me.
- Come on.

I hope you don't mind if we
don't do the gentlemanly thing

and go over there and get ourselves
in a lot of trouble we don't need.

I understand perfectly.

And for once in your life,

will you act like
a responsible human being?

A man's depending on you.

It's true, I'm obligated.

Besides, they're just jealous.

When you're the best,
you have to expect talk like that.

It's very true.

How'd you ever get started, anyway?

Yeah, I often wondered that myself.

Well, it started way back

when I was about
seven or eight years old.

The only thing more unnatural
than a woman like that

is the man that associates with her.

I had these three older brothers

that used to tease me
something awful.

But that ain't no kind of a man.

And whenever I tried
to get even with them...

Kind of an animal.

No, no.

Well, one day,
Steve, my older brother...

Listen to her, hmm?

Red underwear at me.

All of a sudden,
I had the power, like a gift.

Whatever happened to Steve?

Oh, well, he come to about
four or five hours.

I'm very careful now.
I never use my talent in anger.

Oh, I can understand why.

Can't you understand why?

I'll bet if you felt her head,

you'd find it all covered
with knots and bumps.

- All right.
- Come on.

A man can only stand so much of this.

All right, all right.

You stay here, I give you my word,

I won't raise a hand
or make any trouble.

- Your word.
- My word.

Hello, boys.

Say...

I just thought I'd tell you,
you know, the things you say,

the lady over there can hear.

Well, I...

Well, she's
a real artist, you know?

I mean, real sensitive.

You might hurt her feelings,

and I know
you wouldn't want to do that.

Well, now...

We... We meant no harm.

Then you'll hold it down, huh?

Fine, and no hard feelings.

Here, we'll shake on it.

Aww!

Oh, I'm sorry about that, here you are.

Oh...

I think that's a mistake.

Don't know what comes over her.

Whoa.

City limit's behind us, ain't it?

That's right, about a mile,

but that ain't quite far enough,
you just keep right on going.

I'm just trying
to figure out which way to go.

Well, you can go that-away
or that-away, but just go.

We're going this way to Virginia City.

I been there, didn't make a dime.

Why should I go back?

Mr. Cartwright's friend is in jail.

He's a growed man,
he can take care of himself.

Besides, I ain't eager to help
a man who cost me 150 bucks.

150 what?

150 bucks.

If you'd have rung that bell

like anybody with a teaspoon
full of brains would

when Shad hit the deck,
I'd have won 150 bucks.

Yeah, well, the round wasn't over.

Well, it's close enough.

Otto'd have rung the bell.

Well, look, where do you get
off betting 150 bucks

when you only got 16?

Well, that's my business.

Besides, my dog's gone.

If you hadn't got me hustled off
to the Marshal's office,

I wouldn't have lost him.

So long, neighbor,
sorry I can't help you.

Come on!

Ooh.

Ahem.

Thank you.

I heard your music.

I smell the coffee.

Fresh-made coffee.

I figure y'all were due any minute.

How'd the fight come out?

It didn't.

Thought you were
going to Virginia City.

Oh, no.

I'm not going back 'til you go with me.

You'll be tripping over your beard
before that happens.

- Look, all I'm asking...
- Hey, Otto, did you see my dog?

Old Bob?

I ain't seen him.

- I thought he was with you.
- No.

What are you talking about a dog for?

Callahan, Mr. Cartwright's friend
is in trouble.

It's your duty to get him out.

- Well, now, she's absolutely-
- I wonder what happened to that dog.

I heard something.

You know that time we passed
through Gurney's Landing?

Yeah?

Payday up there tomorrow.

Before their 50th mile,

was running around with nothing
but pure money in their pocket.

And we'll be up there
taking it from them.

Might even be able
to pay you your back wages.

- Look, all I'm asking you is...
- Look, if you're gonna be here,

why don't you make yourself useful?

I mean, you can unhitch a team,
chop some wood.

- What?
- Then we'll talk about Virginia City.

Look, my friend needs a little help...

Well, you want me
to do something for you,

then you do something for me.

There's some hot stew,
I'll dish you up a plate.

Thanks.

Where's Callahan?

Well, he was right here a minute ago.

About five minutes ago.

Mr. Callahan borrowed your horse,
he's taking a little ride.

A ride? Where?

Back to town?

He went after his dog.

His dog?

No.

What got those dogs all stirred up?

I don't know.

It sounds like
every mutt in town's at it, don't it?

Come on!

Come on, boy! Come on, boy!

Oh!

I found Old Bob.

That's him,
I'd know his voice anywhere.

You found Old Bob,
but the sheriff's gonna find us.

Come on, Bob.

Here, Bob! Come on, boy!

Maybe they got him tied up.

Look, we're not supposed
to be in here.

We can get in a lot of trouble.

I can't leave him in there
to languish in time like that,

he'd waste away to a shadow.

I'll fetch him out quiet. Shh.

Quiet.

Are you-are you all right?

Come on, boy.

Come on, boy.

Here, Bob!

Come on, come on, that dog...

Shh! Come on, Bob.

Bob! Come on!

Bob, I'm your master.

What's going on out here?

Help!

Thief, thief!

Bob, Bob, Bob...

Shh!

Come on, Bob!

Come on, come on
with that dumb dog.

Bob?

Bob?

Bob!

Here, Bob!

He wasn't tied up and he bit me!

You're kidding me.

Help!

This way.

Whoa.

All right.

Now, this time, don't look back.

Don't even think about looking back.

I've seen trouble.

My share and some to spare.

It's $150 and my dog falls in love.

None of them kind of things
happened 'til you come along.

And not to mention
getting run out of town.

Exactly what I'm talking about.

Now, you've been
run out of town before.

Twice in the same day.

Never!

You're just bad luck,
that's what you are.

Just like you were for Dusty.

You know, you got a one-track mind?

Every other breath, you keep
plaguing me with that Dusty.

Well, you can put a stop to it.

Just come back to Virginia City
and testify for him.

With them payday miners
down the road,

their pockets bulging with money
they want to get rid of?

That'd be just plain foolish.

We charge 50 cents admission
this time.

That'll give us
some good betting money.

We're gonna make it big.

Don't you know it.

I don't want you ringing that bell.

Come on!

Come on, get it in,
ball 'em up there, come on!

Any minute!

Callahan's gonna catch him
and squash him.

Third round and he hasn't done it yet.

I gotta admit,
that Cartwright's kinda quick.

Come on, Callahan!

All right, gents,

$20 to any man
who can go three rounds with me.

How about you?
How about one of you boys, huh?

How about you?

Uh-oh.

Well, two can play at this, you know.

It's an IOU for $20.

It's no good.

What do you mean it's no good?

It's what I said, it's no good.

Well, what do you want,
a mortgage on the wagon?

No.

- The team?
- Uh-uh.

A harness?

Oh, no.

This belongs to me personally.

What do you want, blood?

No, I want you
to go back to Virginia City

and testify for Dusty.

I can't do that.

That's another town I got run out of.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

We'll have one more fight.

Come on, three rounds for $20?
You can't pay me now.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This time, we'll go all the way.

No rounds.

Oh, there'll be kicking, biting,
stomping, pinching, but no Fancy Dan.

We'll go all the way
'til one of us can't get up.

For what?

You win, I'll go
to Virginia City with you.

I win, you stop bothering me.

All right, Mr. Callahan, you got a deal.

Good.

What you waiting for, a bell?

I said no rounds.

So you did, Callahan, so you did.

I said no Fancy Dan, now!

All right, time! Ooh!

Oh!

Too bad for Cartwright.

I mean, Callahan.

Get out of the way!

All right, break it up!

All right, now get!

All right, that's enough!

I told you two to break it up!

You...

You think the sheriff
sent that telegram?

He said he did.

Well, in case he didn't,

we best think of some way
to get out of here.

I prefer not to talk to you,
Mr. Callahan.

You have my profound sympathy,
Mr. Cartwright,

being cooped up with that...

That deceitful and contrary man.

Me, deceitful?

If you wanted him
to come to Virginia City,

you should have told him
never to set foot in the place.

He'd have been there like a shot.

Well, I'm sure glad
you're not talking to me.

You know, it's...

I wouldn't count
on that telegram too much.

When you're in trouble,

it's a mistake
to count on anybody else.

That's my experience.

You've had a lot of experience.

Yeah, what you gotta do is you gotta...

You gotta draw on your own resources.

There's a trick I've used a time or two,
it ought to get us out of here.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, see, I curl up
on the bunk here, see?

And I moan and groan and...

And you holler for the Sheriff,
tell him I'm sick, see?

And when he comes in here...

I hit him!

- No.
- Then you can hit him.

It won't work.

Yeah.

It hasn't yet, I got to admit that.

But still, if you keep
at these things long enough...

Forget it.

Howdy, Sheriff.

We're just talking here,
passing the time.

Act casual.

You know the sad part, don't you?

- Hmm?
- We gotta do it all over again.

Do what over again?

The fight.

You and me
had a gentleman's agreement.

A fight to the finish.

We didn't finish. There's no decision.

So we gotta do it all over again.

Fine, we'll do it all over again.

You know what I figure?

We'll go down the road
and find us about 80 acres

of nice, clear land and get 'er done.

If and when we get out of here.

You know, when the Sheriff feeds us,

we can snatch us a spoon,
start digging a tunnel.

A spoon?

That'd take four years.

It'd take longer than that.

This here jail's built on solid rock.

You got bailed out.

- Good.
- What about me?

"We."

Both of you.

The man only wanted Cartwright,
and I told him all of you or nobody.

Then he come up with the money.

Well, now we can get 'er done.

Well, I tell you,
I'm glad to see you here.

Hi, Joe.

What-what are you doing here?

I come to bail you out.

Your pa sent me.

And I gotta tell you,
he's not a bit pleased...

Yeah, well, you, you...

You're in jail.

Oh, that.

Well, old Ed Meyers simmered down.

He come in
and told the Sheriff the truth.

When?

Oh, about a week ago.

You don't look so good,
you know that?

I'm sorry you went to all that trouble.

No hard feelings.

No, it's...

It's an honest mistake.

That's Dusty.

That's... that's Dusty.

If you're looking for the little lady,
she went over at the hotel.

Thanks.

You don't look too good, either.

Oh, it's mice.

That sure is a pretty lady.

What's her name?

Angeline.

Mighty pretty little thing.

She's going over to get her bag,
I thought maybe I'd step

over there and give her a hand.

Oh! And she dropped her scarf.

Oh... Well, I'll take it over to her.

Oh, no, don't bother.

We'll take it over,
don't worry about it.

Oh, no trouble at all.

You're sure?

Be a pleasure.

He's a sweet boy.

Oh, Miss Angeline?

You dropped your scarf.

Whoa!

Callahan, I'll buy you a beer.

Cartwright, I'll drink it.

You know,
if you ever get to Virginia City,

I'd really like you
to meet my brother Hoss.