Bonanza (1959–1973): Season 10, Episode 21 - The Lady and the Mountain Lion - full transcript
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I'll go bring up this stuff. You
try to stay out of trouble, huh?
- Yeah. How long you gonna be?
- Oh, it'll take me about an hour.
Well, I'll see you over
at the livery stable.
Good enough.
Oh, dear.
Here, ma'am, let
me help you with that.
Hello. Are you the hotel porter?
No, ma'am. I was
just passing by.
Oh. No matter.
After eight hours jouncing
in that conveyance,
you're a proper
sight for sore...
eyes.
- I'm ever so grateful.
- My pleasure, ma'am.
Hope you enjoy your
stay in Virginia City.
Oh, I'm sure I will.
Oh, before you pop off.
Do you know where I might locate a
boy to assist me father with his luggage?
Oh, here, I'll help him. Here.
- Oh. Thank you.
- Yes, sir.
It's that last piece in the baggage
boot that needs your kind attention.
- If you'll be good enough.
- Yes, sir, I'll be glad to.
Look out.
Here now. Here.
Didn't I say that contained
irreplaceable paraphernalia?
I say, old boy, would you carry
it into the hostelry, careful like?
There's a good chap.
"And company?"
What kind of company
are you with, Mr. Malcolm?
Why, me daughter, the
beautiful Princess Natasha.
- Princess?
- Exactly. Royal blood.
Her mum was a princess
too. Indian, you know.
Indian?
- What tribe?
- Hindu.
The inscrutable East
and all that, you know.
That is why our lodgings
must be in the rear.
Not only for privacy, but
in order to face Mecca.
Oh, no, no, just a second.
Can't trust my paraphernalia to the
careless help around here, Old Tiger,
so if you'll just hang
on to that for a minute,
then you can ease it
right down into our suite.
Top floor, back.
Excuse me.
Thank you. Come on, ducks.
Ooh! Fancy. Top floor.
Must be a smashing view.
Yeah. It's gonna be a smashing
climb, I can tell you that.
This is the heaviest
dad-blamed parapha...
parapha... whatchamacallit
I ever did tote.
You Yanks really like pulling
a person's leg, don't you?
Huh! Yeah.
Bit of a climb, eh?
Well, here we are. 35.
Well, that's it.
Well, not bad digs, really.
Oh. Well above
the bustle of the city.
- Mr. Malcolm.
- Oh, dear old chap.
Just set that down there,
would you? Gently now. Gently.
That's it. Easy. Gentle. Gently.
I...
Phew! Stout fellow. Very
stout fellow, isn't he, daughter?
Quite.
Well, if... if you folks don't
mind, I'll... I'll be running along.
Ta-ta.
Hey, it's a rabbit.
Don't worry, I got him. I got him
right here under the hat. He's safe.
I thought I had him. He's gone.
That's funny,
it's... it's like magic.
- It is magic.
- It is?
Mm-hm. Father's a magician.
Malcolm the Magnificent
at your service, sir.
Well, I'll be doggoned.
Wait till I tell old Joe and Hop Sing
that I met a real professional trickster
- right in life.
- Oh, well,
I would much prefer the title
of illusionist or prestidigitator,
but feel free to impress
your friends if you like.
After all, word of mouth
never hurts, does it?
Now, remember, on the stage the
Bucket of Blood, next Saturday night only.
And now, Princess, if you'll
see the lad out while I unpack.
Oh, and for his invaluable assistance,
arrange for him to see our performance.
Oh, that would be
mighty nice of you.
I look forward to seeing you do
some of them... some of them tricks.
And I'll be looking forward to
seeing you again too, Princess.
- Jan.
- Yes... Oh, I'm sorry.
Phew!
Uh... Just let her lay there in
the barn and keep her warm.
And ram one of those down
her throat if she gets restless.
We know she's good and
healthy or she couldn't have come
- through the mauling she took.
- Yeah.
That's got to be a pretty hungry
mountain lion to try to chew filets off
- of anything as tough as Alice.
- Yeah.
You know, I hate to say
anything bad about any animal
drums up as much
business as that lion has,
but yours is the third milk cow
he's grabbed at the last three weeks.
- He got off with the other two.
- Maybe Pa'll get him.
- Take it easy, Doc.
- Yeah.
Uh, are you the doctor?
Oh, it all depends
where you're hurt, ma'am.
Now, Joe, don't start
prescribing without a license.
I'm Doc Dunkett, little lady.
What was it that you was after?
After getting meself
some proper liniment,
I saw your shingle and
came up straight away.
We got all kinds of
liniment. What's the ailment?
- Stiff legs, I'd call it.
- Fore or hind extremity?
These aching
extremities right here.
Well...
- That's a horse of a different color.
- Horse?
- Say, what kind of doctor are you?
- Horse.
Don't... don't spook, little lady, the
doc here is a friend of man or beast.
Let's... let's take a look
at the aching extremity.
It's all right, little lady,
put your leg up there.
He's a wonderful doctor.
Try.
Here we go.
I'd say that limb was
as sound as a dollar.
Mm.
I thank you both a
tuppence for your thoughts.
- You say it feels stiff?
- And sore, and cramped-like.
- Right here.
- Sore and cramped...
Well, what you need
is some liniment.
Oh, here, you...
you can get this at the
pharmacy or the livery stable.
Just tell them
that Doc sent you.
- There you go.
- Thank you, how much do I owe?
- Oh, no charge. My pleasure.
- Thank you.
- Oh, which way is the apothecary's?
- Hm?
- Oh, uh, the druggist's?
- Oh, the druggist.
I'll... I'll walk you down
there. Be my pleasure.
- Good for you. Stretch your legs.
- Oh.
Anyway, the... the miners
chased that mountain lion,
that cat just doubled right back
to them and killed their milk cow.
Well?
- Well, what, Pa?
- I thought you boys would join me
- in a mountain lion hunt after supper.
- Hm?
A mountain lion hunt?
Oh, I wish you would have
asked me a little bit earlier, Pa, I...
I've got a date to meet
somebody in town.
So have I. Yeah, you
see, I... I told this...
this girl that I was gonna
see her after supper.
You're... you're giving up a
mountain lion hunt to see a girl?
Yeah.
Hey, she must be quite
a girl. I'd like to meet her.
No you wouldn't, neither.
She ain't your style.
Oh, really? Well,
what... what style is she?
Well, she's got class, I mean,
she's nice and refined and proper-like.
Well, it takes all kinds.
Mine's hotter than a firecracker.
- Hey, can I have the surrey tonight?
- Hey, wait a minute.
I was gonna use
the surrey tonight.
Yeah, well, you should have
asked for it a little bit earlier,
- 'cause I'm gonna use the surrey tonight.
- Well, couldn't you both
- use the surrey?
- Oh, Pa, ain't no way.
I mean, my girlfriend'd probably
be embarrassed to be seen
- with anything Joe would go with.
- Oh, really?
Well, I think it would probably
be the other way around.
All right. I'll flip you for it.
I got a better idea, I'll
Indian hand-wrestle you for it.
- All right, come on.
- Boys. Boys. Boys.
For frontier accommodations,
I'd claim this is top drawer.
And I'd claim I've slept in
top drawers that was roomier.
Hardly more stretching space
here than inside that suffering trunk.
Stop grousing and take
your lumps like a sport.
Ooh! Listen to goody two-shoes.
Wasn't it enough that I did the
grousing in the trunk all the way
- from New Orleans to Panama.
- I'm seasick. I'm always queasy...
That's enough. Now,
lower those voices!
Shut up!
Now, listen, Jan.
Now, listen, Janice.
It's quite true, your
sister is always queasy
when she's in the trunk
during a storm at sea.
Well, I'm always bruised when
some dull clod drops the flaming trunk
off the top of a
stagecoach with me inside.
- I know, dear, but...
- I will not ride...
- All right, darling.
- Unless you promise it'll be handled
- with care.
- I promise!
Still and all, the temporary
hardships have always been rewarding,
haven't they?
Virginia City looks like a
real piece of cake from here.
Yes, from here.
I'll size it up close-hand
tonight when I steps out
- with the local chap I met this afternoon.
- Not half you don't.
I had the morning in the
trunk, and I'll have the evening...
- Now, girls.
- That's not fair!
Girls, girls, girls!
Girls!
You know you can't
possibly both go out tonight.
Why not decide ladylike?
- First ace wins.
- Why don't we just wrestle?
- No. Girls!
- First four wins Virginia City!
Now, girls. Girls!
Mr. Cartwright, as far as I
know, the Malcolms are in,
- both Magnificent and his daughter.
- Very good.
Listen, by the way, where
can I get some flowers like that?
- Across the street at the undertaker's.
- Thanks.
- The undertaker's?
- Yes. Business has been slow.
- Poor fellow. He's overstocked.
- Yeah.
Dad!
It's been decided, so let's
hear no more, shall we?
Whichever girl is called upon first
tonight, that's the one what slips out.
Excuse me, Father, but
you'd better work on that trick.
This time you did it so well,
I couldn't see how you did it.
Yes, you're right. Takes practice
to become clumsy at the trade.
Could that be?
I thought you'd arranged for
him never to contact us openly.
Wasn't his knock three
quicks, then two slows?
- Who's there?
- It's me. From this afternoon.
- Don't believe I caught the name.
- Cartwright.
The gentleman what
helped fetch me luggage?
No, the gentleman that
helped stretch your legs.
Ta-ta.
Why couldn't I have had sons?
Yeah, the... the Bucket of
Blood, but I don't think you'd like it.
Why not? Sounds like a
smashing spot. Where is it?
Well, there's a family
entrance right off of the lobby.
But I'll tell you, it is not family
entertainment, it's just not for you.
Right off the lobby
now? How thoughtful.
Yeah.
There we are.
I went to some expense
getting these restrainers.
They're exactly like those the local
sheriff uses, with one exception...
We've got the key to these.
Just hope we do better here
than we did on that riverboat.
- Hello?
- It's me, Mr. Malcolm.
Is your daughter,
the princess, in?
- Who'd you say it was, Old Tiger?
- No, sir, old Hoss.
Did you order an old horse?
I'm the one that brought
your trunk up, remember?
Oh, yes. Yes, of course. Um,
I thought we'd thanked you.
Oh, yes, sir, you did. But I thought
maybe I'd show Miss Jan around.
That is, if she ain't tied up.
I say, old sport, would you mind
waiting down in the lobby for half a mo?
- Ben, we're making a big mistake.
- How's that?
Using that haunch
of venison for bait.
The only thing that old lion
has tackled lately is milk cows.
I'm not gonna use
a milk cow for bait.
I didn't say we should, I only say
we ain't getting anywhere this way.
And I'll just bet
you a box of shells
that that old lion ain't
within ten mile of here.
I'll take that bet.
What bet?
- Mr. Cartwright?
- Oh!
- I'm sorry about that.
- What... About what?
Princess Natasha, Jan.
Locked into one of those situations
she couldn't possibly wriggle out of.
- You understand.
- Oh, yeah, sure.
She asked if you would present
yourself on the morrow instead.
In the meantime, I would
like to buy the bitters.
- The bitters?
- The innkeeper gave me to understand
there was a convenient
pub. Shall we?
Oh, yeah.
The decor looks
to me a little Indian.
I was there during one of the
uprisings. They poisoned all the wells.
Got myself a pretty
tough shot, huh?
Well, knowing nothing
whatsoever about billiards,
it still seems to me that if you
put a little English on the cue ball,
the eight ball would go
into the corner pocket
and the 12 ball would go
into the... the side pocket
and the cue ball would go
all the way around the table
and sink the 14
for good measure.
Jan, it's not that easy.
See, the 12 ball is
frozen against the cushion,
- the eight ball's frozen on the...
- Come on, play now and explain later.
Unless of course you want
the girl to take that shot for you.
- Very funny.
- All right.
Let's see if you're as
free with your money
as you are with your
tongue, Mr. Sore Loser.
You want to bet your
gent can make that shot?
I want to wager a
bob, even I can make it.
I don't bet with no woman.
Then how about betting with me?
Look, Rankin, I already paid
you for my lesson in poker.
You can't stack pool balls
like you deal bottom cards.
Fellas, it's my shot.
I say you're a loser in
anything you try, friend.
And if you claim the little lady can't
put the eight ball in the corner pocket,
I'll just bet you 50 silver
eagles she can do it.
You got yourself a bet, Rankin.
- Hey, now wait a minute!
- Yes.
Anybody else?
Let my gentleman friend have
some of that bet. Excuse me.
- Jan, I really...
- Would you? Thank you.
- Do you want ten of this?
- Oh...
- Twenty.
- Sure.
- Honey, that was a heck of a shot.
- Thank you.
Gentlemen.
Pay me.
- Two more bitters here, please.
- What?
Oh, you know, ale.
No more... until I hear
the clink, clink, clink.
You haven't paid
for the first round yet.
Bernie, I'll get 'em and
I'll get the next one too.
I wouldn't hear of it. These
drinks have been paid for.
Are you trying to dead-beat me?
Mr. Malcolm, I think...
My poor misguided friend.
Don't you remember, I laid the money
on the bar and you tucked it in your nose?
You were saying?
I was saying you owe me
for the drinks. What's this?
Well, that's half a crown,
British coin of the realm.
- It's no good here.
- I was afraid of that.
That's... that's all right,
Mr. Malcolm. Bernie, I'll get 'em.
And much more too.
Oh, Mr. Cartwright, if
you insist. Thank you.
I'll have the same.
Well, I never heard of no lady
shooting pool and rolling dice.
Oh, really? What'd you
and your girlfriend do for fun,
go look at the statue of
General Bernie Epstein?
Or did you go all out and visit
the old Indian burial ground?
I minded my own
business, little brother.
Just like I'm gonna do today
when I've got the surrey.
Fine. But if you're gonna court
that little lady in broad daylight,
if I were you I'd take
her to Wishing Creek.
At least that way she can wish
for something exciting to happen.
- Oh, hi, Pa.
- Good morning.
- You just get in too?
- No, I... I was just leaving.
- Oh, I could use some of that.
- Did you get that big cat?
Mm. Kept hearing it
all night, never saw it.
Oh. Listen, saw
old Staly coming in.
Said that cat got one of
his milk cows last night.
The way that cat gets
around is like magic.
Magic... Oh, listen, if you'll excuse
me, Pa, I've got to see somebody.
See you later.
- Well, how was your outing, Joseph?
- Mm. Just fine.
I guess you could say I
came out ahead of my game.
How about some breakfast?
Yeah.
- Who is it?
- Mr. Cartwright.
- Cartwright? Joe!
- Janice, who's at the door?
Stay out of sight,
Jan, it's my caller.
Didn't expect to see
you so early, Mr...
Mr. Cartwright?
Yes'm, your pa told me that you
were temporarily indisposed last night,
and that you'd see me on the
morrow, and this is the morrow, ain't it?
Oh, yes. Well, caught me temporarily
indisposed again, haven't you?
Uh...
Just about to pop in me
bath, I was, as you can see.
Yeah, I... you want me to wait
down in the lobby, I reckon?
Would you? I'll be down in...
I know, I know, half a mo.
Mr. Cartwright?
That's the beatingest
dang thing I ever did see.
I reckon that must be the fastest half a
mo anybody ever did scrub and tub in.
Didn't want to waste
a precious second.
- Any thought to where we might go?
- Oh, I've been giving it
some serious thought, ma'am.
Some real serious thought.
You know, Virginia City's
a pretty good size town.
There's a lot of cultural things
a lady like you ought to see,
like maybe General
Bernie Epstein's statue
or the Indian burial ground
or... or maybe the Wishing Creek.
Sounds smashing.
Then Wishing Creek it'll be.
Giddyup! Giddyup!
No, Elsa, no!
That's the right card.
Now, look, if you insist on doing the
trick correctly, you'll ruin everything.
You know I wouldn't contact
you if anyone was following me.
Hello, Elsa. Where are
your other two birds?
Shh! Keep your voice down.
Janice is in there catching 40 winks.
And Jan's seeing the
sights with some local toff.
- I saw Janice last night.
- I know you did. I know you did.
And I expect a cut of the
boodle you made betting on her.
Here, you can add it to this when
you bet it all against me tomorrow night.
You sure you can pull your
trick off with the sheriff watching?
Suppose your hand is not
quicker than the eye of the law.
Confidence, dear
old boy, confidence.
It's in the bag.
Or rather, shall we
say... in the trunk?
Well, here we are. Come on in.
When we started out,
you said Wishing Creek.
Yeah, well, we're going to Wishing
Creek, but this is on the way.
It won't take but just a minute.
You mentioned something
about your father being here.
Yeah, you'll like
him too. Hey, Pa! Pa!
Come on down! There's
somebody I want you to meet!
- He's not here.
- No, he ain't. That's funny.
He was out hunting a
mountain lion all night last night.
And there was a
Chinese cook, I believe.
Yeah, Hop Sing. I'll
get him. Hop Sing!
Hey, Hop Sing!
Hop Sing?
He's not here either.
He ain't. That's funny.
But I'll get something
to eat if you're hungry.
No, thanks.
And I don't want
anything to drink either.
Fine. Why don't you
just make yourself...
I... I think we'd better
go to Wishing Creek.
Yeah. Wait, let me get this
rifle, I wanna show you this rifle.
- You did say rifle?
- Yeah. What'd you think I said?
Etchings.
I just want you to
take a look at this.
Here, you can hold
it and take a look at it.
No, thanks. I'd
rather you held it.
This old Injun that I got this off of
claims he got it off an Englishman.
See, there's his crest, right
there. That's his coat of arms.
Say, that's fascinating.
I thought you'd be interested,
you being an Englishman and all.
Well, reckon we'd better
be off to Wishing Creek.
Is that all?
Yes'm, that... that's it.
There really aren't
any etchings?
No, ma'am, I ain't
got no etchings.
Look, I...
I think we better be on our way to
Wishing Creek, don't you reckon?
I reckon so.
- You all right?
- I'm beginning to wonder.
Doggone it, Miss Jan, I just
got to tell you one more time
how sorry I am about your falling into
the creek and losing your shoe and all.
You should have put your arm
around my waist to steady me
when we were crossing
those slippery rocks.
Oh, ma'am, I couldn't do that.
- This is only our first date.
- Oh, that does make a difference.
So I guess it could have
happened to anyone.
It wouldn't happen
to just anybody.
It wouldn't happen to
my little brother, Joseph.
He's the good-looking
member of our family.
Yes, I know.
Bless you. When did you see him?
Oh. Just last night.
Oh... So you were
out with him last night?
Well, that figures.
There ain't nothing pretty ever
misses them big brown eyes of his.
You've got nice eyes too, Hoss.
They're blue.
Baby blue is my favorite color.
- Oh. Sure now?
- Uh-huh.
Hey, I'll tell you what, tomorrow
we'll do something really romantic.
We'll go out to the
Indian burial ground.
They got skulls,
bones and everything.
- Sounds smashing.
- Come on.
Ma'am, I... I'll see you
tomorrow. Good day.
That's why you didn't tell me
you was courting that Malcolm gal.
Well, why me? You could have
done the same thing, you know.
Besides, I didn't figure
she was your type.
What do you know about her type?
Nice, refined, delicate
lady like that. Soft.
You've got to be kidding.
Soft? You call that girl soft?
Well, I can tell you
this, little brother,
when I held her in my arms she
was as soft and limp as a down pillow.
Is that right? Well, how come
when I held her in my arms
she had muscles as hard
as sourdough biscuits?
Well, sure, she was tensing up
against you, but she melts for me.
- Oh, that's funny.
- Hey.
- Who are you talking about?
- Jan Malcolm, Pa.
Oh?
You both courting
the same young lady?
Mm-hm. Yeah. We didn't
know it at first, but we do now.
She must be quite a young lady
to keep you both on the string.
She's just wonderful, Pa.
Besides that, she's from out of town.
She's from England, Pa.
- Well, she's also from India.
- That's out of town.
Tell you one thing about her,
she can handle a pool cue or a
deck of cards like a riverboat gambler.
Yeah, but she can... she
can play a harp, paint cameos,
write poetry, all
that sort of stuff.
Yeah, well, she knows all the salty
sea shanties that have ever been sung.
She can quote the
Bible, scripture and verse.
She's the most talented
person I ever heard of.
Yeah. Well, she ought to be,
you know, her father's a magician.
- A magician?
- Yeah, the... what...
- Magnificent Malcolm.
- Of course.
I heard there was an illusion
show in town this week.
Yeah, it's... it's tonight, Pa. And
I've been invited as her guest.
What?
- I have been invited as her guest.
- Oh, really?
Well, I have been
invited as her guest.
- What?
- I said I have been invited
- as her guest.
- Ooh, this young lady
is gonna be very busy tonight.
Keep sawing, boys. Keep sawing.
Wouldn't you think that out of a
town of several thousand pigeons,
me bright daughters could pick
out a pair that wasn't brothers?
Listen, Jan and I picked the
Cartwright boys like apples pick a farmer.
Oh, well, small moment.
What those blokes
don't know can't hurt us.
As a matter of fact,
their rivalry might help.
Yes. That's right.
Love may be blind,
but it's always positive.
Yes, and after the Cartwrights
certify the miraculous teleportation...
One of you into
the trunk. Come on.
- No!
- Don't muck about.
One of you get inside.
For heaven's sake.
- Oh, come in, come in, old chap.
- Howdy, Mr. Malcolm.
Howdy, Miss Jan. It's me again.
Yes, of course. I
recognized you right off.
I... I brung you a little replacement
for that item you lost this morning.
- Really?
- Yeah.
How considerate.
What was it I lost again?
Your left boot.
Size four and a half, triple A.
Four and a half, triple A?
That's the exact size. I knew that
because you left the bill of sale there
with the bootmaker
when you bought them.
- Try them on. Yeah.
- Well, I...
- You just slip right into it.
- That's right, Jan. Ease it on.
Yeah.
Uh, here, let me give your
dainty little foot a helping hand.
Oh!
Oh!
Doggone, Princess, if I didn't
know you was Cinderella...
I'd swear you was one
of the evil step sisters.
There. Now, how's that feel?
That's snug. Thank
you. Very snug.
Yeah, well, that's the way it's
supposed to feel. Come on, try it. Here.
Walk on it.
There you go.
- Comfortable?
- Yes.
Yeah. Yeah. Well, I got to
get over to the barbershop,
and get ready for your
performance tonight.
- Jolly good show.
- Oh, I bet it is.
I'm really looking forward
to getting really fooled.
Yes, we'll try our best.
- Yeah.
- Here, let me show you exactly
where your table will be.
Ta-ta.
Oh, yes, ma'am,
and ta-ta to you too.
Jan!
Quick, take your boot
off me aching feet.
Get... get it off!
- Oh!
- Janice? Joe.
Oh! Uh, be there straight away.
- Hi.
- Hm?
I was just passing by, I thought
I'd stop over and say hello.
Hey, let me help
you on with that boot.
Oh, don't trouble yourself.
- Oh, don't be silly, no trouble at all.
- I'll manage.
Here, sit right down there.
Hey, that's kinda cute.
Give me your foot.
Get this on in a jiffy, on that
beautiful little foot of yours.
- Mm!
- They kind of really make them tight,
- don't they?
- Oh!
Did you hear that?
- Nice shooting, Ben. Dead center.
- Yeah.
Now we can let those
milk cows out to pasture.
- Hurry it up, ducks.
- I'm hurrying, Dad.
I'm hurrying.
All right?
I wish you'd hurry up
and get me out of here.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Virginia City is proud to welcome the
world's most renowned necromancer,
doctor of oriental occultism,
and acme of abracadabra,
the Magnificent Malcolm!
Ladies and gentlemen,
or as they say in the
mysterious East, sim sala bim.
Before I begin my phantasmagoria
of incomprehensible feats,
I will materialize from
the thin atmosphere
my magical walking stick.
Are you ready?
Uh, one, uh, two, uh, three.
Ah! Thank you.
I thank you.
And now... and now, I would
like to introduce my assistant,
the pulchritudinous
Princess Natasha.
Mm!
I wonder what she's gonna do,
recite poetry or play the harp?
Oh, please. Please,
ladies and gents,
your kind indulgence,
I beg of you.
I will now attempt to
prove the impossible.
Not only will I cut this ordinary
piece of cord into two halves,
I will miraculously restore
them into one again.
Are you ready?
Abracadabra.
For my next feat, I use a cone
made from a ordinary newspaper,
and a pitcher filled to the
brim with wholesome milk.
Behold.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
a illusion for which I was
awarded these medals,
after flabbergasting the
crowned heads of Europe.
I will, without the aid of
moisture or fertilization,
cause this beautiful
example of nature's handiwork
to grow 15 feet
before your very eyes
on the count of
three. Are you ready?
One...
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
I will prove to you that the
hand is quicker than the eye
with this ordinary
pack of playing cards
and this small but deadly
weapon. Are you ready?
Oh!
If at first you don't succeed...
Remain calm. There is no
danger to human life or limb.
Please, please, I must
have your undivided attention
if I am to be successful
with this next experiment.
And we must ask for our
money back if you ain't!
Curtain, please.
The most difficult
part of this feat
is finding a honest man who
will guarantee its authenticity.
I suggest to you that here are two
young men of impeccable honesty...
Hoss and Joe Cartwright.
Come on! Go on!
And now, I should like the sheriff
to join these two men on the stage.
And now, our two volunteers
will tie the Princess Natasha.
Gentlemen, if you
will pay attention.
They will tie the Princess Natasha
so that she is absolutely immovable.
Tie her securely, lads.
Splendid. Splendid.
And now, Sheriff, if you please.
Use your handcuffs to lock the
princess' royal wrists in front of her.
Here you are, Princess.
It won't hurt much.
And now, place the captive
princess into cabinet number one.
I thank you.
Lower her.
And now, me lad, if you will place
this black hood over her precious head.
I thank you.
Very, very good.
Now, we will close
cabinet number one.
Chain it and
padlock it securely.
Now, that is it.
Splendid. Securely now.
Thank you.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
my three incorruptible
witnesses will accompany me
to the opposite
side of the stage
and to cabinet number two.
I thank you, gentlemen.
And now, kind friends, I must
insist upon a deathly hush,
for what I'm about to do not
only flies in the face of logic,
it also defies the
laws of gravity,
inertia and metabolism.
Are you ready?
On the count of three, I am going to
teleport our captive Princess Natasha
from cabinet number
one across the stage
into and inside
cabinet number two.
- No! You can't do it!
- Whom says I can't?
I do, and this $500!
Mr. Rankin, this
is not a riverboat.
And this charlatan
is no magician.
I'll bet $500 he can't do
what he says he can do
with all you good
people watching.
All right, chum. You've
stung me professional honor.
You've got a bet, and anyone
else of your doubting Thomas friends
who wants to wager,
I will gather all bets.
And our hotel manager will pass
amongst you collecting the money,
while our good
sheriff keeps a tally.
Rudy, how about 15?
Ten bucks more.
So be it.
Sim sala boo,
alakazoo, alakazam,
sim sala bam.
Princess, have
you rematerialized?
Yes, I have.
Mr. Cartwright, if you will.
Hey...
I thank you!
And now, gentlemen, if you will
lower the princess once again.
Wait a minute, how do
we know it's the same girl?
Take the hood off!
Mr. Cartwright, if you please.
And now, gentlemen, if you
will lower our Princess Natasha
back into cabinet number
two, replace the hood.
And now, please close once
more cabinet number two.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
I will teleport our captive princess
from cabinet number two
back into cabinet number one.
Sim sala bam.
Sim sala boo.
Sheriff, if you'll be so kind as
to release cabinet number one.
The key.
Ah, thank you.
Gentlemen, if you will.
I thank you.
Take off her hood.
I ain't gonna believe it
till I see with my own eyes.
Gentlemen, if you please.
Hey, you dropped this.
I thank you.
I appreciate that.
- Malcolm?
- Yes, Mr. Cartwright?
Your daughter lost an earring.
Ladies and gentlemen,
your attention, please.
It was never my intention
to keep your money.
I simply wanted to
prove to you the folly
of betting against a
professional trickster.
And now, Sheriff, if you will.
I thank you.
Let me get that rope off you.
I thank you.
Mr. Rankin, you're gonna find that
Arizona is a much healthier climate
for your throat.
My throat hasn't
given me any trouble.
You just come back to
Virginia City again and it will.
And as for you, Mr. Malcolm, make
sure that our Nevada sun never sets
on your part of the
British Empire again.
Exactly how far is
Carson City? Never mind.
- I kinda hate to say goodbye.
- Yeah, but I... I reckon we got to.
- Yeah.
- Lots of luck.
- Yeah.
- It's been fun knowing you.
I got yours.
Ha! Yah! Ha!
Ha!
- Ta-ta.
- Ta-ta.
- Ta-ta.
- Ta-ta.
- Ta-ta.
- Ta-ta.
Got the wrong one.
- Ta-ta.
- Ta-ta.
Ta-ta!
Ta-ta!
Ta...
So long, girls!
- Yeah, we'll see you.
- Let's go get a beer.
Yeah, why not?
Ah! Hey, Pa.
- Hey, Pa, how's it going?
- Oh, fine. They said you'd be in here.
- How'd the lion hunt go?
- Oh, good. We got him.
- Did you? How big was he?
- 110 pounds.
- Is that right?
- Oh, he was a big one.
Uh, tell me, I've been
thinking about what...
what's been happening
between you two.
It's been sort of on my
mind, you know, that...
that gal you were
both sparking, what...
You mean Malcolm the
Magnificent's daughter?
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Gal who can shoot pool quote
the Bible and play the harp
and sing sea shanties, why, it's not
somebody you forget in an awful hurry.
Well, as it turns out,
Pa, she wasn't just a she.
- What?
- What he's trying to say is that
she couldn't do all the things
we thought she could do.
- Oh.
- Yeah. You know how she acted
like two opposite gals?
Because she was
two opposite gals.
- Yeah. Twins.
- Twins.
Twins...
- Really put one over on us, huh?
- That was why it was so confusing.
Twins. No wonder.
That... that's about the whole
story. Why don't you finish my beer.
Pardon me, ma'am. My...
my name is Joe Cartwright, I...
Howdy, ma'am.
- Bye.
- So long. So long, ladies.
to you in living color on NBC.
I'll go bring up this stuff. You
try to stay out of trouble, huh?
- Yeah. How long you gonna be?
- Oh, it'll take me about an hour.
Well, I'll see you over
at the livery stable.
Good enough.
Oh, dear.
Here, ma'am, let
me help you with that.
Hello. Are you the hotel porter?
No, ma'am. I was
just passing by.
Oh. No matter.
After eight hours jouncing
in that conveyance,
you're a proper
sight for sore...
eyes.
- I'm ever so grateful.
- My pleasure, ma'am.
Hope you enjoy your
stay in Virginia City.
Oh, I'm sure I will.
Oh, before you pop off.
Do you know where I might locate a
boy to assist me father with his luggage?
Oh, here, I'll help him. Here.
- Oh. Thank you.
- Yes, sir.
It's that last piece in the baggage
boot that needs your kind attention.
- If you'll be good enough.
- Yes, sir, I'll be glad to.
Look out.
Here now. Here.
Didn't I say that contained
irreplaceable paraphernalia?
I say, old boy, would you carry
it into the hostelry, careful like?
There's a good chap.
"And company?"
What kind of company
are you with, Mr. Malcolm?
Why, me daughter, the
beautiful Princess Natasha.
- Princess?
- Exactly. Royal blood.
Her mum was a princess
too. Indian, you know.
Indian?
- What tribe?
- Hindu.
The inscrutable East
and all that, you know.
That is why our lodgings
must be in the rear.
Not only for privacy, but
in order to face Mecca.
Oh, no, no, just a second.
Can't trust my paraphernalia to the
careless help around here, Old Tiger,
so if you'll just hang
on to that for a minute,
then you can ease it
right down into our suite.
Top floor, back.
Excuse me.
Thank you. Come on, ducks.
Ooh! Fancy. Top floor.
Must be a smashing view.
Yeah. It's gonna be a smashing
climb, I can tell you that.
This is the heaviest
dad-blamed parapha...
parapha... whatchamacallit
I ever did tote.
You Yanks really like pulling
a person's leg, don't you?
Huh! Yeah.
Bit of a climb, eh?
Well, here we are. 35.
Well, that's it.
Well, not bad digs, really.
Oh. Well above
the bustle of the city.
- Mr. Malcolm.
- Oh, dear old chap.
Just set that down there,
would you? Gently now. Gently.
That's it. Easy. Gentle. Gently.
I...
Phew! Stout fellow. Very
stout fellow, isn't he, daughter?
Quite.
Well, if... if you folks don't
mind, I'll... I'll be running along.
Ta-ta.
Hey, it's a rabbit.
Don't worry, I got him. I got him
right here under the hat. He's safe.
I thought I had him. He's gone.
That's funny,
it's... it's like magic.
- It is magic.
- It is?
Mm-hm. Father's a magician.
Malcolm the Magnificent
at your service, sir.
Well, I'll be doggoned.
Wait till I tell old Joe and Hop Sing
that I met a real professional trickster
- right in life.
- Oh, well,
I would much prefer the title
of illusionist or prestidigitator,
but feel free to impress
your friends if you like.
After all, word of mouth
never hurts, does it?
Now, remember, on the stage the
Bucket of Blood, next Saturday night only.
And now, Princess, if you'll
see the lad out while I unpack.
Oh, and for his invaluable assistance,
arrange for him to see our performance.
Oh, that would be
mighty nice of you.
I look forward to seeing you do
some of them... some of them tricks.
And I'll be looking forward to
seeing you again too, Princess.
- Jan.
- Yes... Oh, I'm sorry.
Phew!
Uh... Just let her lay there in
the barn and keep her warm.
And ram one of those down
her throat if she gets restless.
We know she's good and
healthy or she couldn't have come
- through the mauling she took.
- Yeah.
That's got to be a pretty hungry
mountain lion to try to chew filets off
- of anything as tough as Alice.
- Yeah.
You know, I hate to say
anything bad about any animal
drums up as much
business as that lion has,
but yours is the third milk cow
he's grabbed at the last three weeks.
- He got off with the other two.
- Maybe Pa'll get him.
- Take it easy, Doc.
- Yeah.
Uh, are you the doctor?
Oh, it all depends
where you're hurt, ma'am.
Now, Joe, don't start
prescribing without a license.
I'm Doc Dunkett, little lady.
What was it that you was after?
After getting meself
some proper liniment,
I saw your shingle and
came up straight away.
We got all kinds of
liniment. What's the ailment?
- Stiff legs, I'd call it.
- Fore or hind extremity?
These aching
extremities right here.
Well...
- That's a horse of a different color.
- Horse?
- Say, what kind of doctor are you?
- Horse.
Don't... don't spook, little lady, the
doc here is a friend of man or beast.
Let's... let's take a look
at the aching extremity.
It's all right, little lady,
put your leg up there.
He's a wonderful doctor.
Try.
Here we go.
I'd say that limb was
as sound as a dollar.
Mm.
I thank you both a
tuppence for your thoughts.
- You say it feels stiff?
- And sore, and cramped-like.
- Right here.
- Sore and cramped...
Well, what you need
is some liniment.
Oh, here, you...
you can get this at the
pharmacy or the livery stable.
Just tell them
that Doc sent you.
- There you go.
- Thank you, how much do I owe?
- Oh, no charge. My pleasure.
- Thank you.
- Oh, which way is the apothecary's?
- Hm?
- Oh, uh, the druggist's?
- Oh, the druggist.
I'll... I'll walk you down
there. Be my pleasure.
- Good for you. Stretch your legs.
- Oh.
Anyway, the... the miners
chased that mountain lion,
that cat just doubled right back
to them and killed their milk cow.
Well?
- Well, what, Pa?
- I thought you boys would join me
- in a mountain lion hunt after supper.
- Hm?
A mountain lion hunt?
Oh, I wish you would have
asked me a little bit earlier, Pa, I...
I've got a date to meet
somebody in town.
So have I. Yeah, you
see, I... I told this...
this girl that I was gonna
see her after supper.
You're... you're giving up a
mountain lion hunt to see a girl?
Yeah.
Hey, she must be quite
a girl. I'd like to meet her.
No you wouldn't, neither.
She ain't your style.
Oh, really? Well,
what... what style is she?
Well, she's got class, I mean,
she's nice and refined and proper-like.
Well, it takes all kinds.
Mine's hotter than a firecracker.
- Hey, can I have the surrey tonight?
- Hey, wait a minute.
I was gonna use
the surrey tonight.
Yeah, well, you should have
asked for it a little bit earlier,
- 'cause I'm gonna use the surrey tonight.
- Well, couldn't you both
- use the surrey?
- Oh, Pa, ain't no way.
I mean, my girlfriend'd probably
be embarrassed to be seen
- with anything Joe would go with.
- Oh, really?
Well, I think it would probably
be the other way around.
All right. I'll flip you for it.
I got a better idea, I'll
Indian hand-wrestle you for it.
- All right, come on.
- Boys. Boys. Boys.
For frontier accommodations,
I'd claim this is top drawer.
And I'd claim I've slept in
top drawers that was roomier.
Hardly more stretching space
here than inside that suffering trunk.
Stop grousing and take
your lumps like a sport.
Ooh! Listen to goody two-shoes.
Wasn't it enough that I did the
grousing in the trunk all the way
- from New Orleans to Panama.
- I'm seasick. I'm always queasy...
That's enough. Now,
lower those voices!
Shut up!
Now, listen, Jan.
Now, listen, Janice.
It's quite true, your
sister is always queasy
when she's in the trunk
during a storm at sea.
Well, I'm always bruised when
some dull clod drops the flaming trunk
off the top of a
stagecoach with me inside.
- I know, dear, but...
- I will not ride...
- All right, darling.
- Unless you promise it'll be handled
- with care.
- I promise!
Still and all, the temporary
hardships have always been rewarding,
haven't they?
Virginia City looks like a
real piece of cake from here.
Yes, from here.
I'll size it up close-hand
tonight when I steps out
- with the local chap I met this afternoon.
- Not half you don't.
I had the morning in the
trunk, and I'll have the evening...
- Now, girls.
- That's not fair!
Girls, girls, girls!
Girls!
You know you can't
possibly both go out tonight.
Why not decide ladylike?
- First ace wins.
- Why don't we just wrestle?
- No. Girls!
- First four wins Virginia City!
Now, girls. Girls!
Mr. Cartwright, as far as I
know, the Malcolms are in,
- both Magnificent and his daughter.
- Very good.
Listen, by the way, where
can I get some flowers like that?
- Across the street at the undertaker's.
- Thanks.
- The undertaker's?
- Yes. Business has been slow.
- Poor fellow. He's overstocked.
- Yeah.
Dad!
It's been decided, so let's
hear no more, shall we?
Whichever girl is called upon first
tonight, that's the one what slips out.
Excuse me, Father, but
you'd better work on that trick.
This time you did it so well,
I couldn't see how you did it.
Yes, you're right. Takes practice
to become clumsy at the trade.
Could that be?
I thought you'd arranged for
him never to contact us openly.
Wasn't his knock three
quicks, then two slows?
- Who's there?
- It's me. From this afternoon.
- Don't believe I caught the name.
- Cartwright.
The gentleman what
helped fetch me luggage?
No, the gentleman that
helped stretch your legs.
Ta-ta.
Why couldn't I have had sons?
Yeah, the... the Bucket of
Blood, but I don't think you'd like it.
Why not? Sounds like a
smashing spot. Where is it?
Well, there's a family
entrance right off of the lobby.
But I'll tell you, it is not family
entertainment, it's just not for you.
Right off the lobby
now? How thoughtful.
Yeah.
There we are.
I went to some expense
getting these restrainers.
They're exactly like those the local
sheriff uses, with one exception...
We've got the key to these.
Just hope we do better here
than we did on that riverboat.
- Hello?
- It's me, Mr. Malcolm.
Is your daughter,
the princess, in?
- Who'd you say it was, Old Tiger?
- No, sir, old Hoss.
Did you order an old horse?
I'm the one that brought
your trunk up, remember?
Oh, yes. Yes, of course. Um,
I thought we'd thanked you.
Oh, yes, sir, you did. But I thought
maybe I'd show Miss Jan around.
That is, if she ain't tied up.
I say, old sport, would you mind
waiting down in the lobby for half a mo?
- Ben, we're making a big mistake.
- How's that?
Using that haunch
of venison for bait.
The only thing that old lion
has tackled lately is milk cows.
I'm not gonna use
a milk cow for bait.
I didn't say we should, I only say
we ain't getting anywhere this way.
And I'll just bet
you a box of shells
that that old lion ain't
within ten mile of here.
I'll take that bet.
What bet?
- Mr. Cartwright?
- Oh!
- I'm sorry about that.
- What... About what?
Princess Natasha, Jan.
Locked into one of those situations
she couldn't possibly wriggle out of.
- You understand.
- Oh, yeah, sure.
She asked if you would present
yourself on the morrow instead.
In the meantime, I would
like to buy the bitters.
- The bitters?
- The innkeeper gave me to understand
there was a convenient
pub. Shall we?
Oh, yeah.
The decor looks
to me a little Indian.
I was there during one of the
uprisings. They poisoned all the wells.
Got myself a pretty
tough shot, huh?
Well, knowing nothing
whatsoever about billiards,
it still seems to me that if you
put a little English on the cue ball,
the eight ball would go
into the corner pocket
and the 12 ball would go
into the... the side pocket
and the cue ball would go
all the way around the table
and sink the 14
for good measure.
Jan, it's not that easy.
See, the 12 ball is
frozen against the cushion,
- the eight ball's frozen on the...
- Come on, play now and explain later.
Unless of course you want
the girl to take that shot for you.
- Very funny.
- All right.
Let's see if you're as
free with your money
as you are with your
tongue, Mr. Sore Loser.
You want to bet your
gent can make that shot?
I want to wager a
bob, even I can make it.
I don't bet with no woman.
Then how about betting with me?
Look, Rankin, I already paid
you for my lesson in poker.
You can't stack pool balls
like you deal bottom cards.
Fellas, it's my shot.
I say you're a loser in
anything you try, friend.
And if you claim the little lady can't
put the eight ball in the corner pocket,
I'll just bet you 50 silver
eagles she can do it.
You got yourself a bet, Rankin.
- Hey, now wait a minute!
- Yes.
Anybody else?
Let my gentleman friend have
some of that bet. Excuse me.
- Jan, I really...
- Would you? Thank you.
- Do you want ten of this?
- Oh...
- Twenty.
- Sure.
- Honey, that was a heck of a shot.
- Thank you.
Gentlemen.
Pay me.
- Two more bitters here, please.
- What?
Oh, you know, ale.
No more... until I hear
the clink, clink, clink.
You haven't paid
for the first round yet.
Bernie, I'll get 'em and
I'll get the next one too.
I wouldn't hear of it. These
drinks have been paid for.
Are you trying to dead-beat me?
Mr. Malcolm, I think...
My poor misguided friend.
Don't you remember, I laid the money
on the bar and you tucked it in your nose?
You were saying?
I was saying you owe me
for the drinks. What's this?
Well, that's half a crown,
British coin of the realm.
- It's no good here.
- I was afraid of that.
That's... that's all right,
Mr. Malcolm. Bernie, I'll get 'em.
And much more too.
Oh, Mr. Cartwright, if
you insist. Thank you.
I'll have the same.
Well, I never heard of no lady
shooting pool and rolling dice.
Oh, really? What'd you
and your girlfriend do for fun,
go look at the statue of
General Bernie Epstein?
Or did you go all out and visit
the old Indian burial ground?
I minded my own
business, little brother.
Just like I'm gonna do today
when I've got the surrey.
Fine. But if you're gonna court
that little lady in broad daylight,
if I were you I'd take
her to Wishing Creek.
At least that way she can wish
for something exciting to happen.
- Oh, hi, Pa.
- Good morning.
- You just get in too?
- No, I... I was just leaving.
- Oh, I could use some of that.
- Did you get that big cat?
Mm. Kept hearing it
all night, never saw it.
Oh. Listen, saw
old Staly coming in.
Said that cat got one of
his milk cows last night.
The way that cat gets
around is like magic.
Magic... Oh, listen, if you'll excuse
me, Pa, I've got to see somebody.
See you later.
- Well, how was your outing, Joseph?
- Mm. Just fine.
I guess you could say I
came out ahead of my game.
How about some breakfast?
Yeah.
- Who is it?
- Mr. Cartwright.
- Cartwright? Joe!
- Janice, who's at the door?
Stay out of sight,
Jan, it's my caller.
Didn't expect to see
you so early, Mr...
Mr. Cartwright?
Yes'm, your pa told me that you
were temporarily indisposed last night,
and that you'd see me on the
morrow, and this is the morrow, ain't it?
Oh, yes. Well, caught me temporarily
indisposed again, haven't you?
Uh...
Just about to pop in me
bath, I was, as you can see.
Yeah, I... you want me to wait
down in the lobby, I reckon?
Would you? I'll be down in...
I know, I know, half a mo.
Mr. Cartwright?
That's the beatingest
dang thing I ever did see.
I reckon that must be the fastest half a
mo anybody ever did scrub and tub in.
Didn't want to waste
a precious second.
- Any thought to where we might go?
- Oh, I've been giving it
some serious thought, ma'am.
Some real serious thought.
You know, Virginia City's
a pretty good size town.
There's a lot of cultural things
a lady like you ought to see,
like maybe General
Bernie Epstein's statue
or the Indian burial ground
or... or maybe the Wishing Creek.
Sounds smashing.
Then Wishing Creek it'll be.
Giddyup! Giddyup!
No, Elsa, no!
That's the right card.
Now, look, if you insist on doing the
trick correctly, you'll ruin everything.
You know I wouldn't contact
you if anyone was following me.
Hello, Elsa. Where are
your other two birds?
Shh! Keep your voice down.
Janice is in there catching 40 winks.
And Jan's seeing the
sights with some local toff.
- I saw Janice last night.
- I know you did. I know you did.
And I expect a cut of the
boodle you made betting on her.
Here, you can add it to this when
you bet it all against me tomorrow night.
You sure you can pull your
trick off with the sheriff watching?
Suppose your hand is not
quicker than the eye of the law.
Confidence, dear
old boy, confidence.
It's in the bag.
Or rather, shall we
say... in the trunk?
Well, here we are. Come on in.
When we started out,
you said Wishing Creek.
Yeah, well, we're going to Wishing
Creek, but this is on the way.
It won't take but just a minute.
You mentioned something
about your father being here.
Yeah, you'll like
him too. Hey, Pa! Pa!
Come on down! There's
somebody I want you to meet!
- He's not here.
- No, he ain't. That's funny.
He was out hunting a
mountain lion all night last night.
And there was a
Chinese cook, I believe.
Yeah, Hop Sing. I'll
get him. Hop Sing!
Hey, Hop Sing!
Hop Sing?
He's not here either.
He ain't. That's funny.
But I'll get something
to eat if you're hungry.
No, thanks.
And I don't want
anything to drink either.
Fine. Why don't you
just make yourself...
I... I think we'd better
go to Wishing Creek.
Yeah. Wait, let me get this
rifle, I wanna show you this rifle.
- You did say rifle?
- Yeah. What'd you think I said?
Etchings.
I just want you to
take a look at this.
Here, you can hold
it and take a look at it.
No, thanks. I'd
rather you held it.
This old Injun that I got this off of
claims he got it off an Englishman.
See, there's his crest, right
there. That's his coat of arms.
Say, that's fascinating.
I thought you'd be interested,
you being an Englishman and all.
Well, reckon we'd better
be off to Wishing Creek.
Is that all?
Yes'm, that... that's it.
There really aren't
any etchings?
No, ma'am, I ain't
got no etchings.
Look, I...
I think we better be on our way to
Wishing Creek, don't you reckon?
I reckon so.
- You all right?
- I'm beginning to wonder.
Doggone it, Miss Jan, I just
got to tell you one more time
how sorry I am about your falling into
the creek and losing your shoe and all.
You should have put your arm
around my waist to steady me
when we were crossing
those slippery rocks.
Oh, ma'am, I couldn't do that.
- This is only our first date.
- Oh, that does make a difference.
So I guess it could have
happened to anyone.
It wouldn't happen
to just anybody.
It wouldn't happen to
my little brother, Joseph.
He's the good-looking
member of our family.
Yes, I know.
Bless you. When did you see him?
Oh. Just last night.
Oh... So you were
out with him last night?
Well, that figures.
There ain't nothing pretty ever
misses them big brown eyes of his.
You've got nice eyes too, Hoss.
They're blue.
Baby blue is my favorite color.
- Oh. Sure now?
- Uh-huh.
Hey, I'll tell you what, tomorrow
we'll do something really romantic.
We'll go out to the
Indian burial ground.
They got skulls,
bones and everything.
- Sounds smashing.
- Come on.
Ma'am, I... I'll see you
tomorrow. Good day.
That's why you didn't tell me
you was courting that Malcolm gal.
Well, why me? You could have
done the same thing, you know.
Besides, I didn't figure
she was your type.
What do you know about her type?
Nice, refined, delicate
lady like that. Soft.
You've got to be kidding.
Soft? You call that girl soft?
Well, I can tell you
this, little brother,
when I held her in my arms she
was as soft and limp as a down pillow.
Is that right? Well, how come
when I held her in my arms
she had muscles as hard
as sourdough biscuits?
Well, sure, she was tensing up
against you, but she melts for me.
- Oh, that's funny.
- Hey.
- Who are you talking about?
- Jan Malcolm, Pa.
Oh?
You both courting
the same young lady?
Mm-hm. Yeah. We didn't
know it at first, but we do now.
She must be quite a young lady
to keep you both on the string.
She's just wonderful, Pa.
Besides that, she's from out of town.
She's from England, Pa.
- Well, she's also from India.
- That's out of town.
Tell you one thing about her,
she can handle a pool cue or a
deck of cards like a riverboat gambler.
Yeah, but she can... she
can play a harp, paint cameos,
write poetry, all
that sort of stuff.
Yeah, well, she knows all the salty
sea shanties that have ever been sung.
She can quote the
Bible, scripture and verse.
She's the most talented
person I ever heard of.
Yeah. Well, she ought to be,
you know, her father's a magician.
- A magician?
- Yeah, the... what...
- Magnificent Malcolm.
- Of course.
I heard there was an illusion
show in town this week.
Yeah, it's... it's tonight, Pa. And
I've been invited as her guest.
What?
- I have been invited as her guest.
- Oh, really?
Well, I have been
invited as her guest.
- What?
- I said I have been invited
- as her guest.
- Ooh, this young lady
is gonna be very busy tonight.
Keep sawing, boys. Keep sawing.
Wouldn't you think that out of a
town of several thousand pigeons,
me bright daughters could pick
out a pair that wasn't brothers?
Listen, Jan and I picked the
Cartwright boys like apples pick a farmer.
Oh, well, small moment.
What those blokes
don't know can't hurt us.
As a matter of fact,
their rivalry might help.
Yes. That's right.
Love may be blind,
but it's always positive.
Yes, and after the Cartwrights
certify the miraculous teleportation...
One of you into
the trunk. Come on.
- No!
- Don't muck about.
One of you get inside.
For heaven's sake.
- Oh, come in, come in, old chap.
- Howdy, Mr. Malcolm.
Howdy, Miss Jan. It's me again.
Yes, of course. I
recognized you right off.
I... I brung you a little replacement
for that item you lost this morning.
- Really?
- Yeah.
How considerate.
What was it I lost again?
Your left boot.
Size four and a half, triple A.
Four and a half, triple A?
That's the exact size. I knew that
because you left the bill of sale there
with the bootmaker
when you bought them.
- Try them on. Yeah.
- Well, I...
- You just slip right into it.
- That's right, Jan. Ease it on.
Yeah.
Uh, here, let me give your
dainty little foot a helping hand.
Oh!
Oh!
Doggone, Princess, if I didn't
know you was Cinderella...
I'd swear you was one
of the evil step sisters.
There. Now, how's that feel?
That's snug. Thank
you. Very snug.
Yeah, well, that's the way it's
supposed to feel. Come on, try it. Here.
Walk on it.
There you go.
- Comfortable?
- Yes.
Yeah. Yeah. Well, I got to
get over to the barbershop,
and get ready for your
performance tonight.
- Jolly good show.
- Oh, I bet it is.
I'm really looking forward
to getting really fooled.
Yes, we'll try our best.
- Yeah.
- Here, let me show you exactly
where your table will be.
Ta-ta.
Oh, yes, ma'am,
and ta-ta to you too.
Jan!
Quick, take your boot
off me aching feet.
Get... get it off!
- Oh!
- Janice? Joe.
Oh! Uh, be there straight away.
- Hi.
- Hm?
I was just passing by, I thought
I'd stop over and say hello.
Hey, let me help
you on with that boot.
Oh, don't trouble yourself.
- Oh, don't be silly, no trouble at all.
- I'll manage.
Here, sit right down there.
Hey, that's kinda cute.
Give me your foot.
Get this on in a jiffy, on that
beautiful little foot of yours.
- Mm!
- They kind of really make them tight,
- don't they?
- Oh!
Did you hear that?
- Nice shooting, Ben. Dead center.
- Yeah.
Now we can let those
milk cows out to pasture.
- Hurry it up, ducks.
- I'm hurrying, Dad.
I'm hurrying.
All right?
I wish you'd hurry up
and get me out of here.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Virginia City is proud to welcome the
world's most renowned necromancer,
doctor of oriental occultism,
and acme of abracadabra,
the Magnificent Malcolm!
Ladies and gentlemen,
or as they say in the
mysterious East, sim sala bim.
Before I begin my phantasmagoria
of incomprehensible feats,
I will materialize from
the thin atmosphere
my magical walking stick.
Are you ready?
Uh, one, uh, two, uh, three.
Ah! Thank you.
I thank you.
And now... and now, I would
like to introduce my assistant,
the pulchritudinous
Princess Natasha.
Mm!
I wonder what she's gonna do,
recite poetry or play the harp?
Oh, please. Please,
ladies and gents,
your kind indulgence,
I beg of you.
I will now attempt to
prove the impossible.
Not only will I cut this ordinary
piece of cord into two halves,
I will miraculously restore
them into one again.
Are you ready?
Abracadabra.
For my next feat, I use a cone
made from a ordinary newspaper,
and a pitcher filled to the
brim with wholesome milk.
Behold.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
a illusion for which I was
awarded these medals,
after flabbergasting the
crowned heads of Europe.
I will, without the aid of
moisture or fertilization,
cause this beautiful
example of nature's handiwork
to grow 15 feet
before your very eyes
on the count of
three. Are you ready?
One...
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
I will prove to you that the
hand is quicker than the eye
with this ordinary
pack of playing cards
and this small but deadly
weapon. Are you ready?
Oh!
If at first you don't succeed...
Remain calm. There is no
danger to human life or limb.
Please, please, I must
have your undivided attention
if I am to be successful
with this next experiment.
And we must ask for our
money back if you ain't!
Curtain, please.
The most difficult
part of this feat
is finding a honest man who
will guarantee its authenticity.
I suggest to you that here are two
young men of impeccable honesty...
Hoss and Joe Cartwright.
Come on! Go on!
And now, I should like the sheriff
to join these two men on the stage.
And now, our two volunteers
will tie the Princess Natasha.
Gentlemen, if you
will pay attention.
They will tie the Princess Natasha
so that she is absolutely immovable.
Tie her securely, lads.
Splendid. Splendid.
And now, Sheriff, if you please.
Use your handcuffs to lock the
princess' royal wrists in front of her.
Here you are, Princess.
It won't hurt much.
And now, place the captive
princess into cabinet number one.
I thank you.
Lower her.
And now, me lad, if you will place
this black hood over her precious head.
I thank you.
Very, very good.
Now, we will close
cabinet number one.
Chain it and
padlock it securely.
Now, that is it.
Splendid. Securely now.
Thank you.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
my three incorruptible
witnesses will accompany me
to the opposite
side of the stage
and to cabinet number two.
I thank you, gentlemen.
And now, kind friends, I must
insist upon a deathly hush,
for what I'm about to do not
only flies in the face of logic,
it also defies the
laws of gravity,
inertia and metabolism.
Are you ready?
On the count of three, I am going to
teleport our captive Princess Natasha
from cabinet number
one across the stage
into and inside
cabinet number two.
- No! You can't do it!
- Whom says I can't?
I do, and this $500!
Mr. Rankin, this
is not a riverboat.
And this charlatan
is no magician.
I'll bet $500 he can't do
what he says he can do
with all you good
people watching.
All right, chum. You've
stung me professional honor.
You've got a bet, and anyone
else of your doubting Thomas friends
who wants to wager,
I will gather all bets.
And our hotel manager will pass
amongst you collecting the money,
while our good
sheriff keeps a tally.
Rudy, how about 15?
Ten bucks more.
So be it.
Sim sala boo,
alakazoo, alakazam,
sim sala bam.
Princess, have
you rematerialized?
Yes, I have.
Mr. Cartwright, if you will.
Hey...
I thank you!
And now, gentlemen, if you will
lower the princess once again.
Wait a minute, how do
we know it's the same girl?
Take the hood off!
Mr. Cartwright, if you please.
And now, gentlemen, if you
will lower our Princess Natasha
back into cabinet number
two, replace the hood.
And now, please close once
more cabinet number two.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
I will teleport our captive princess
from cabinet number two
back into cabinet number one.
Sim sala bam.
Sim sala boo.
Sheriff, if you'll be so kind as
to release cabinet number one.
The key.
Ah, thank you.
Gentlemen, if you will.
I thank you.
Take off her hood.
I ain't gonna believe it
till I see with my own eyes.
Gentlemen, if you please.
Hey, you dropped this.
I thank you.
I appreciate that.
- Malcolm?
- Yes, Mr. Cartwright?
Your daughter lost an earring.
Ladies and gentlemen,
your attention, please.
It was never my intention
to keep your money.
I simply wanted to
prove to you the folly
of betting against a
professional trickster.
And now, Sheriff, if you will.
I thank you.
Let me get that rope off you.
I thank you.
Mr. Rankin, you're gonna find that
Arizona is a much healthier climate
for your throat.
My throat hasn't
given me any trouble.
You just come back to
Virginia City again and it will.
And as for you, Mr. Malcolm, make
sure that our Nevada sun never sets
on your part of the
British Empire again.
Exactly how far is
Carson City? Never mind.
- I kinda hate to say goodbye.
- Yeah, but I... I reckon we got to.
- Yeah.
- Lots of luck.
- Yeah.
- It's been fun knowing you.
I got yours.
Ha! Yah! Ha!
Ha!
- Ta-ta.
- Ta-ta.
- Ta-ta.
- Ta-ta.
- Ta-ta.
- Ta-ta.
Got the wrong one.
- Ta-ta.
- Ta-ta.
Ta-ta!
Ta-ta!
Ta...
So long, girls!
- Yeah, we'll see you.
- Let's go get a beer.
Yeah, why not?
Ah! Hey, Pa.
- Hey, Pa, how's it going?
- Oh, fine. They said you'd be in here.
- How'd the lion hunt go?
- Oh, good. We got him.
- Did you? How big was he?
- 110 pounds.
- Is that right?
- Oh, he was a big one.
Uh, tell me, I've been
thinking about what...
what's been happening
between you two.
It's been sort of on my
mind, you know, that...
that gal you were
both sparking, what...
You mean Malcolm the
Magnificent's daughter?
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Gal who can shoot pool quote
the Bible and play the harp
and sing sea shanties, why, it's not
somebody you forget in an awful hurry.
Well, as it turns out,
Pa, she wasn't just a she.
- What?
- What he's trying to say is that
she couldn't do all the things
we thought she could do.
- Oh.
- Yeah. You know how she acted
like two opposite gals?
Because she was
two opposite gals.
- Yeah. Twins.
- Twins.
Twins...
- Really put one over on us, huh?
- That was why it was so confusing.
Twins. No wonder.
That... that's about the whole
story. Why don't you finish my beer.
Pardon me, ma'am. My...
my name is Joe Cartwright, I...
Howdy, ma'am.
- Bye.
- So long. So long, ladies.