Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 9, Episode 8 - Roller? I Hardly Knew Her! - full transcript

Ah, another day, another dollar.

It's not school
if you love what you do.

Guys, I told Alex I'd wait for him.

Uh, are you two gonna
play that interesting,

not-embarrassing game you made up?

What's it called? Robot
Something Basement Time?

RoboWizard Quest. There he is.

Alex!

I tried to run here to meet you,

but it turns out I
run slower than I walk,

which was, um, was a
letdown, I'll be honest.



Gene. Oh, Gene! Gene.

Oh, hey, Courtney. Doug.

Gene, Courtney has a
little favor to ask you.

Uh, okay. What is it?

It's a favor.

Courtney, get in jump position.

Um, what are we, what is...

I need to see you lift Courtney.

You have to lift me.

Courtney is here, just so,

and, Gene, when she hops up,

you just lift and turn 90
degrees, and then you...

- I don't want to lift...
- No talking!

Gene, shh!



- Lift her!
- Lift me!

Courtney, jump. Jump!

- Come on, Gene.
- Gene, lift!

Lift me, Gene.

- Come on.
- Lift!

- Come on, let's go.
- Lift!

Bravo.

- That was really exciting.
- Wow.

I wish our dad made people lift us.

- Okay, can I go now?
- No.

Courtney's Roller-Dance Pairs
Competition partner Kelvin

had to drop out.

His parents' improv troupe
is going on tour again.

And her roller-dancing
competition is on Saturday.

Sounds glamorous.

Oh, it is, honey. The
whir of the skates.

The smell of the hairspray.
The blood on the wood...

My dad was Junior
Partners champion in 1983.

- '84!
- Sorry, Dad.

God, you get so weird
about roller-dancing.

So, Gene, what do you say?

Can we count on you
to be our replacement?

I've see you skate at the
school skating parties.

You're... fine.

We just need a good sturdy boy
for Courtney to skate around.

Will you make me the happiest
skate dad in the world?

- Uh... no.
- What?

Sorry, but I'm not the sturdy,

fine-at-skating boy
you're looking for.

Now, excuse us, Alex and I

got to go see a robot about a wizard.

- Huh, that is so weird.
- Lin, are you still staring

at that woman sitting in her car?

Yeah, she's been there for hours, Bob.

It's so spooky. Ooh.

Uh-huh. Maybe she lives in her car.

In a car like that? No way.

That car is nice. I'd live in that car.

Mm, yeah. She's wearing
beautiful sunglasses, too.

They look like Grantlys. Very high-end.

I watch a lot of makeover
shows, okay, Bob? Geez.

Okay. I didn't say anything, Teddy.

Yeah, well, you're judgy.

You're making a face. I see it.

Okay, so she's wealthy

and she's been sitting
in her car all day.

That's a little weird.

Oh, I know, she's probably
here to assassinate one of us,

and she's working up the courage.

- Hmm. Okay, which one of us?
- Probably me.

Remember when I got hit on
the head a few weeks ago?

Oh, when you walked into a stop sign?

Yeah. I probably got a bad concussion,

and I have amnesia.

And "amnesia me" went out at night

and got in a high-stakes
poker game and won

thousands of dollars from her
with my amnesia poker skills,

so now she wants to kill me.

She wants to rip my friggin' head off.

I bet she just walks
in here and does it.

Just like that, dead.

Linda Belcher, now you die.

Aah, she got me, she got me!

Ooh, gun glasses. Exciting.

She's not here to kill
you with gun glasses, Lin.

That's so mean, Bob.

Don't tell me I can't get killed.

Yeah, Bob, don't tell your
wife she can't get killed.

- Sorry.
- Hey, kids.

- Good day at school?
- Oh, yeah.

We all graduated early, and
we don't have to go anymore.

Great.

Enough chitchat. RoboWizard Quest calls.

Oh, right, the game. Hi, Alex.

Hey, Mr. Burger.

It's Belcher.

He answers to both. It's fine.

No, I-I don't.

Wait, Tina, Louise, are
you guys gonna play, too?

No. We watch and mock it delightfully.

All right, go have fun, kids.

And now the robot chooses a number.

Choosing.

27.

Oh, 27 is way over there.

And I must get there by hopping

only on circles that
add up to less than 27.

Or the wizard will be unleashed.

Circles and math. This
really is the perfect game.

Okay, here I go.

Six.

- 12.
- That makes 18.

Wrong. Oh, wait. No, that's right.

Oh, no! I landed on ten.

I curse thee.

I curse thee, Gene.

I command you to melt, robot.

- Melt.
- No...

Hey, kids. Snack time.

All right, here we go with
some pretzels and hummus.

Oh, I love hummus. ♪
Hummus, hummus, hummus ♪

♪ It's a yum-mus. ♪

Little bit of a speed bump here.

I can't have hummus.

Why? It's healthy.

I am allergic to sesame.

It gives me, uh, thunder down under.

- Talking about diarrhea.
- Cool.

But he's not allergic
to our secret handshake.

Secret.

Ooh, great handshake, guys.

Gene, I don't know if I can wait

while you wait for Alex.

Jimmy Jr. started walking
home five minutes ago,

and I like to be exactly
two minutes behind him.

I'm sure he'll be here soon.

Courtney, I already told you
I'm not doing your roller thing.

We're not here for you. Calm down.

- Um, hi, Gene.
- Alex. Finally.

Shall we get down to wizness?

Um, not exactly.

Looks like some lucky duck

is gonna be Courtney's dance partner,

and that two thumbs is me.

- Yay!
- What?!

Come on, Alex, let's roll. Get it?

'Cause we're gonna roller skate.

Bye, Gene.

No!

My friend. That man took my friend!

Not really. It's not a kidnapping thing.

Keep walking.

Ah! Oh, hey, Gene.

So, I assume it went terribly
with Courtney yesterday,

and she was very annoying,
and we'll be playing

RoboWizard Quest after school today?

No, Gene, I, uh... It was great.

There was a lot of, um, touching.

Wait, do you like-like Courtney?

No! I mean, yes.

Not so much Courtney,
per Se, just, I mean,

I like-like every girl in our grade.

And Strawberry Shortcake.

I know she's not real, but
my feelings for her are.

So, you want to roller-dance,
instead of playing the game?

Oh, uh, Gene, Gene, Gene, it's just...

no girl ever has asked
me to do anything before.

Plus, my mom is really excited
that I'm getting exercise.

Even though mostly, I just
stand there while Courtney

skates around and
then I try to lift her.

But it's hard, because the
doctor actually diagnosed

-my arms with mainly calf muscles.
-Huh.

Alex!

Hey, you're supposed to catch me.

Oh, was I? I-I'm sorry.

Don't be silly. I was joking, partner.

I mean, if you did catch
me, it would be pretty cool,

but it's okay. Oh, hi, Gene.

Hi. So Alex, why don't we head to lunch?

Sorry, Gene, he can't.

The competition's in
three days, so Daddy said

we have to verbally
rehearse at all times.

And a-one, two, three, four.

-Arabesque, arabesque.
-Jazz hands in place. Jazz hands.

- Stand in place, stand in place.
- Chasse and toe-loop.

- Here we go.
- No jazz hands.

♪ I hear the ticking of the clock ♪

♪ I'm lying here, the
room's pitch dark... ♪

Clockwise circle spin.

Stand and clap.

♪ I wonder where you are tonight ♪

♪ No answer on the telephone... ♪

And, half-loop.

♪ And the night goes
by so very slow ♪

♪ Oh, I hope that
it won't end though ♪

♪ Alone... ♪

Enthusiastic snap and tap.

♪ Till now, I always
got by on my own ♪

♪ I never really
cared until I met you ♪

♪ And now, it chills
me to the bone ♪

♪ How do I get you alone? ♪

♪ How do I get you alone? ♪

What?

Bob, Teddy. She's back.

The lady in the car.

And she is definitely staring at me.

Creepy. You know what I think she is?

She's one of those ghosts
who doesn't know she's dead.

Oh, you mean dumb ghosts?

Happens all the time.
Probably, her husband got killed

right out there on the sidewalk, right?

Just walking along and, boom,
attacked and killed by a tiger.

-But isn't she supposed to be the ghost?
-Yes, Bob.

She died many years
later, of natural causes.

But she never got over
her husband's tiger death,

so she just sits there in
her car, waiting to see him.

And she never gets to exercise
so she put on ten ghost pounds.

Both of you are nuts. Oh, wait.

She's getting out of her car,
and she's coming over here.

- She's walking so slow.
- Yeah, ghost steps.

She's not a ghost, Teddy.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...

- Okay, that was actually weird.
- I told you, Bob.

Ooh, is her car a ghost,
too? Teddy, what do you think?

- Ghost car. Ghost car.
- Oh, my god.

Gene, you all right there, pal?

That's macaroni and cheese
and you are... not eating it.

You okay, my baby? Let
me feel your forehead.

I'm not sick, I'm just, I don't know.

His BFF up and BF-left.

Oh, no. Did you and
Alex friend-break-up?

I don't want to talk about it.

Alex agreed to be Courtney's
roller-dancing partner,

so now Gene has to be
the wizard and the robot

and the saddest boy in the basement.

Aw. Don't worry, I know a
good friend for you, Gene.

She's about this tall
and her name is Mommy.

But Alex and I
had something special.

And now he just wants to be
with Courtney and it's all over.

Well, maybe you should just
go down to the roller rink

and support Alex.

You could cheer for them or whatever.

You know, that is really good advice.

It is? I mean, yeah,
I-I-I give good advice.

And girls, you go with
him and be his wing ma'ams.

I wouldn't mind seeing if there are any

teens in jeans down there.

And I could lose thousands of dollars

in the claw machine.

I guess I could go.

- There's my boy.
- That's the spirit.

Now, how about having some dinn...

Oh, you're-you're
eating. Maybe slow down?

Never mind, u-uh, do your thing.

Look at him go.

No, no!

I said cross-hands.
Like that. Cross-hands.

- It's right there in the name.
- Alex, honey?

Do you need a healthy snack?

How about some seaweed sheets?

Mrs. Papasian, please!

If he's got low blood
sugar, he loses focus!

I have some sprouted
cashews right here...

He does not need sprouted cashews!

Mrs. Papasian, may I speak with you

over near the skate rental counter?

W-Whoa!

Ow... Gene?

Gene? Why are you here?
Are you here to mop?

Hey, Alex, I thought
if you had any downtime,

we could play our game
right here at the rink.

Let me just tape a couple
of circles over here...

Gene, no. I can play
that with you later.

I'm here with Courtney and
she's dancing with me and her dad

is yelling at me, and
why can't you just let me

enjoy myself? Please.

So apparently, I'm
just going to sit here

and quietly support you, honey.

All right, back to it, guys.

Gene? Did you change your
mind? What are you doing here?

- Nothing.
- You don't deserve my brother.

Yeah, what she said. But
also, I'm just gonna...

get the mop because we need
it, um, at the restaurant. Bye.

Not it.

- Feet hurt.
- Huh. Maybe it's Alex.

Maybe I got through to
him and he feels bad,

and he quit roller-dance,
and he came to apologize.

See? I knew you guys would work it out

because I'm great at advice.

Yeah, you are. And at rubbing my feet.

Fine. Give them to me.

Yay!

- Oh, that tickles.
- Ugh.

Doug?

Hello, Gene. I have
a proposition for you.

I need you to help me
make Alex disappear.

No! Yes! What? Maybe. Explain yourself?

Make Alex disappear? Why?

Because Courtney will
never win with him, Gene.

He can barely lift
her, his claps are weak

and his mother's no
walk in the park, either.

True. But no offense, I don't
care if they win or lose.

I know. Only I care if she wins.

But you should care that
you could lose Alex forever.

No one knows what that's
like better than me.

In the year 1984, I
was on top of the world,

dancing Men's Synchronized Pairs

with my best friend Charlie Cross.

And then he met a girl
skater named Sharon.

He started skating with her,

and we were never friends again.

-Huh.
-And now they've been married for 30 years.

- It's awful!
- Yuck.

Yeah. So you got to step in, pal.

Get Alex out of there and
bring that trophy home.

I mean, not really, I'll
bring it home. Don't touch it!

Don't touch the trophy.
And then, I promise you,

I will find her a partner
for the next competition,

and you and Alex can
go right back to doing

whatever the hell you want.

Fine. I'll do it.

Attaboy. There's got to be something

that you know that we
can use against him.

Well, sesame gives him diarrhea.

Yes, that's perfect.

You can put some in a drink or something

and give it to him
right before showtime.

- Me?
- Yes. It would be too suspicious

if it came from me.

Then, when he gets the
runs, you run to the rescue.

Don't I need to, like,
learn the routine?

You just need to nail the
lift, which I know you can do.

See you at 10:00 a.m. sharp.

- Gene.
- Ah! Wait.

How much of that did you hear?

All of it. I can't believe
you're gonna give Alex diarrhea.

I mean, it's hilarious,
but I thought you liked him.

Yeah, you're not really
gonna do that, right, Gene?

Damn right I am, sister.
I'll do whatever it takes

to get my buddy back, including
making him diarrhea himself

at a roller rink.

It's really the only way
to show someone you care.

I know.

Good morning, kids. Who's
excited to wipe down menus?

I don't know, a psychopath?

Kids, it's Saturday, which
means we might get customers,

so we might need your help.

But Dad, we're taking your
advice and going to support Alex

and Courtney in their
roller-dancing competition.

Oh, wow. Yeah. Great.

Since it was my advice,
you should probably go.

Yep. And we aren't going
there to try to stop Gene

from doing anything bad to Alex at all.

Okay.

Aw, my little supportive seagulls.

And I want to bring
Alex his favorite drink,

which is anything that has sugar in it.

Mother, may I have a brown soda to go?

-Of course. -Um, w-what's
in your hand, Gene?

A spoonful of hummus. No reason.

Ooh, fun. Walking hummus. I love it.

That seems... Just bring the spoon back.

Oh, and you should probably
give me 100 quarters.

- Here's three.
- Mm.

Have fun, kids.

All right, time to get
my paws on some claws.

Good luck ruining Alex's
life and/or outfit, Gene.

Gene, are you sure you want to do this?

If you give Alex hot sesame
squirts and he finds out,

he may never forgive you.

It's a chance I got to take, Tina.

Gene.

Hi, how are you? Welcome.

Roller rinks, huh? Lot of fun?

She's back!

Something weird is definitely going on.

- She's coming our way.
W-What should we do?

Nothing. She's just a person, Teddy.

Yeah, I'm not taking any chances, Bobby.

This is it. She's
really coming this time.

Nope. No, back to the car.

Wait, wait, she's coming back again.

What's happening
out there? You guys alive?

Nope, nope, never mind.
There she goes again.

- Oh, okay, that's it.
- Bob, what are you doing?

- I'm gonna go talk to her.
- Don't do it, Bobby!

I'll be fine, Teddy.
I'm just gonna figure out

- what's going on.
- Okay,

but if she starts dragging
you to Hell, give me a signal.

- Like this.
- That's just waving.

- Okay, like this.
- Perfect.

Huh?

Hi. Uh, I work at that
restaurant right there.

My name is Bob and, um,

I just wanted to check and
see if everything is okay?

Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm Brenda, and I...

I only have, have to go
into one public place,

and I can't even do it!

I'm a little confused.

I'm agoraphobic, and my doctor
wants me to face my fears

by going into a public place.

So, I chose your restaurant to go into

because it's usually
pretty empty. No offense.

No, it's okay. It's true.

But I'm just too nervous.

What if there's a fire and
then I get trapped in there,

and then I'm trampled,

and what if the lady
in the glasses hits me?

No, that's my wife. She
won't hit you, I don't think.

-Oh, God!
-No, I mean, she definitely won't.

L-Look, would it help
if I walked you in?

I-I don't know. Maybe that could work.

Li-Lin.

Just be calm. Please, be calm.

- Hi! -
- Oh, God!

What's the matter? What's the matter?

- What'd I do? What'd I do?
- No, no, no, no...

Oh. Hey, Gene.

Hey. Sorry about the other day.

Oh, that's okay. I freak out a lot, too.

Cool, well, I brought
you a soda for good luck.

Wow. Hey, thanks, Gene.

Actually, um, I'm sorry

I stopped playing
RoboWizard Quest with you.

I just got so excited
to be around a girl.

Thanks for understanding.
You're a good friend.

I mean, probably my best friend.

- No!
- What the heck, Gene?

I'm a bad friend!

What? What's going on?

Alex, I was gonna trick you
and make you drink sesame stuff

so that you'd get diarrhea and
then I could take your place

as Courtney's partner
because Doug wanted me to

because you can't lift Courtney
and your claps are weak,

so I said I would do
it, but I can't do it!

I don't want to give
you diarrhea. I'm sorry!

Gene, I am mad that you
wanted to give me diarrhea,

but I'm really happy that
you decided not to do it.

'Cause Gene, it is a mess.

- Friends?
- Friends.

Hey, you know what? Maybe
you should replace me.

I like trying to lift Courtney,
but I am not good at it.

I mean, I did it once, for a second,

but then we both fell over.

And actually, her knee fell on my mouth.

And also, my claps are weak. See?

- Huh.
- Here. All the way back. And...

Wow. Yeah. There was literally no sound.

But I still don't think
I should replace you.

I've got a better idea.
Let's go find Courtney.

Agoraphobia?

-Yes, Lin.
-But we don't have spiders in here.

- No, that's arachnophobia.
- Oh.

She's afraid of public
spaces and people.

- Oh, like Howard Huge.
- Hughes.

- Yeah. What did I say?
- Huge.

- Huge.
- Oh, my God. All right.

Let's try to focus
here, guys. All right?

We need to help Brenda
and she agreed to come back

on a few conditions, and
I need you guys to listen.

I'm gonna open the door
and give her a wave,

and then she's gonna come in,

- but you cannot talk to her.
- You got that, Teddy?

- Eh...
- Neither of you can talk to her.

- And don't look at her, either.
- Okay.

I'm just gonna look at this
spot right here on the counter.

Wait, where'd it go?
Shoot. No, I lost the spot!

-I lost the spot, Bobby! Don't let her in!
-Teddy, just calm down.

- Don't let her in!
- Calm down.

Okay, you guys are clearly ready,

so let's just do this.

Look away, look away.

Hi, I'm Linda!

You know, my cousin's
afraid of church bells.

Guys, no.

Oh, no, we blew it.

Thank you. I'll be back tomorrow.

We did it! We did it!

Yay! Now she'll never
have any more problems.

Yeah, she was kind of
annoying, though. Right?

And now taking the stage,

Courtney Wheeler and Alex Papasian.

We'll see about that.

Woo-hoo! Alex!

What the H-E-double-
roller-hockey-sticks?

Where's Gene?

Come on, stuffed shape with eyes,

- I need you in my life.
- Hey, Gene's not out there.

I knew he'd make the right choice.

Yes, shape! I got you.

No, no, no, no, no!
Gene, what are you doing?

I'm roller-dancing
with my friends, Doug.

You're going to get us disqualified.

It's called doubles, not triples.

I curse thee! I curse thee!

- No, don't curse me.
- You're cursed, baby.

You are ruining our dreams,

you smelly little burger boy.

I want to dance with them, Dad.

I don't even like doing
this. This is your thing.

Oh, is it?

You tried to get my best friend

to give me diarrhea in front of a girl.

He did what?

-You son of a...
-Get away! Get away from me, Mrs. Papasian!

- Get away! Get away!
- Skate for your life, Doug!

- Whoa.
- Yeah.

I'm flying.

Am I crazy, or did we just win?

Uh, no, you definitely did not win.

Please clear the floor.

You rolled 20.

I can do it. I can do it. Okay.

- 25.
- You lose.

I curse thee. I curse thee.

You have to melt.

Uh, I'm melting. Ah. I don't know.

- Melt.
- I am melting. Trust me.

So, uh, is this game fun?

Once you get to know
all the ins and outs,

and the players and
the rules, it is not.

I think it looks like a hoot.
I want to play next round.

- There's a lot of math.
- I'm great at math. Four!

- W-Why did you say four?
- It's math.

- Seven!
- You're saying numbers,

but that's not necessarily math.

Yeah, but one of them's
gonna be right. 12.

♪ If you're rollin' with me ♪

♪ If you want to be my partner ♪

♪ I need you to lift ♪

♪ Lift me up off my feet ♪

♪ I need you to lift me ♪

♪ The rink smells like feet ♪

♪ But you make me complete ♪

I need you to lift me!

I'm flying!

Lift me!

♪ If you're rollin' with me. ♪