Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 9, Episode 7 - I Bob Your Pardon - full transcript
The Belchers try to save a turkey from the slaughterhouse.
♪ ♪
Okay, looking good in your
little brine bath, buddy.
And tomorrow, somebody's gonna be
the most delicious
Thanksgiving turkey ever.
(high-pitched): "Is it me?"
Sure is, pal.
(bashful chuckle)
All right, I'll check in on you after
we get back from the turkey pardoning,
since our town is doing that now.
"Turkey pardoning?"
I know, right? So dumb.
Treating the turkey like it's a person.
"Yeah, idiots! Wait, but don't you..."
Shh, shh. No, no, no. Shh, shh, shh.
Ugh, I still can't believe we're wasting
our half day off school to
go see a turkey pardoning.
That I do not pardon.
Yeah, the only Parton
I need to see is Dolly.
Come on, it'll be fun.
We're gonna go to city hall.
We're gonna see the mayor.
The mayor!
Why-why do you love the mayor so much?
What are you talking about?
He's the mayor.
He wears those shirts,
and he's always waving.
- Oh, he's got a great wave.
- It is a good wave.
- He really gets into it.
- It's like his whole body's waving.
He doesn't have any bones.
He's like a fish.
- Fish have bones.
- They do?
Uh, yeah.
I think the pardoning sounds nice.
Giving the turkey a
second chance at life
after being locked up.
The turkey hasn't been to prison.
- What are you, his lawyer?
- Ugh.
The live turkeys are the worst.
Those flesh-mangling beaks
and those beady eyes?
Also, how can you trust an animal
with a head that's that bald and tiny?
I mean, we trust Dad.
- That's true.
- Mm.
All right, people, let's go.
- We're losing daylight.
- Cranberries!
- Language.
- No,
I forgot cranberries
for the cranberry sauce.
We-we got to go to the store
after the thing and get them.
Or... we could just buy canned
cranberry sauce this year.
Yeah. I love big cans. (growls)
What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I know
you ate that sugary
canned cranberry slop
at your grandmother's that one year,
'cause she doesn't care about anything.
- Watch it.
- But we are not eating that junk in the house.
This is a fresh cranberry
sauce house, damn it.
It's who we are!
I like the shape it makes
when it comes out of the can.
- So help me, Tina.
- Sorry.
LINDA: Ugh. They're an hour late.
And what's with the lousy turnout?
This is the mayor's
first turkey pardoning.
- Where's the freaking support?
- Maybe everyone came down
with a bad case of
"I'd rather be anywhere else"?
- (chuckles) Nice.
- (chuckles)
Stop it. No high-fiving.
Ooh! Here comes someone.
Hello, everyone.
Uh, sorry for the delay.
I'm afraid there's been a
change of plans. (chuckles)
The mayor had to... not be here.
He had a mayor emergency.
An e-mayor-gency. Uh...
What? An e-mayor-gency? No!
But, uh, what's almost
as good as the mayor?
- LINDA: Nothing!
- Okay.
- Linda, please stop.
- You stop.
The deputy mayor.
So, may I present to you
Deputy Mayor Daniel Cunningham.
(chuckles) Hello. Thank you.
Hey, why don't we give
a big thanks to the person who
organized this whole event?
Oh, right, it was me.
Yeah, the mayor
delegated it all to me...
no big deal... and he's sorry
he couldn't be here today.
Though not as sorry as his toilet.
#StomachProblems.
How dare he hashtag my
mayor's stomach problems.
Okay. Let's bring up
the star of the show,
Drew P. Neck!
(gobbles)
- Ugh.
- I think he's cute.
Go for it, sister. I don't see a ring.
And after lucky little Drew
P. Neck here gets pardoned,
he's going to live out
his days peacefully
at the Old McDonald Had
a Sanctuary Sanctuary,
where the motto is "E-I-E-I Hope."
Okay, who wants to go stare
at the broken fountain
- that's never worked?
- Ooh, me.
We're having a good childhood.
Hey, cool press badge.
- Are you in the press?
- Uh, yeah.
- I knew it.
- So you actually have to report
- on this crap show?
- I know, right?
Why can't I be covering a
pre-Thanksgiving armed robbery?
Or maybe, like, one little stabbing.
If you give me your pen,
I could stab you in the bottom.
That's very generous,
but, no, thank you.
LOUISE: Well, we're doing it.
We're staring at the broken fountain.
(whistles) Does not disappoint.
WOMAN: Well, dum-dum
Deputy Mayor Cunningham
just had the sanctuary idea
yesterday, Mom.
And the one he picked
can't take the turkey.
They're at capacity. I told you already.
What's going on here?
Gene, Tina, let's drop some eaves.
Well, he told me to drive it to a...
(whispers): slaughterhouse.
A slaughterhouse?
That doesn't sound good.
Maybe she meant "cider house."
That place rules.
I can't just let the turkey go.
It's the most famous bird
in the county. It'll be recognized.
No, I'm not just gonna murder it
and bury it in the woods.
Oh, my sister could do it?
Well, I'm not Lisa!
Look, I'll get home as soon as I can,
but now I have to drive
a turkey to a slaughterhouse
because my career in politics
is going really great!
So the sanctuary stuff is just a lie?
They're taking Drew P.
Neck to a slaughterhouse?
This is, like, a serious scandal.
Eh, I wouldn't really call it a scandal.
It's scand-ish.
A Scand-ish-navian, if you will.
Oh, let's go tell the reporter guy!
Reporters love reporting stuff.
Uh, no.
What? What do you mean, no?
Yeah. I don't take
tips from kids anymore.
Not since my niece told me
about a homework burglar.
Turns out she's just a
terrible student and person.
Now, if you'll excuse me, bye.
Aah! We got to help Drew P.!
What are we gonna do?
Well, we could do nothing?
- Maybe try that?
- Nothing sounds good.
No, we got to... save him.
Or we don't. 'Cause he's nasty.
Or we go on a full-on rescue mission.
Hmm. Rescue mission.
I kind of like the sound of that.
Yes. A turkey rescue mission.
I don't like the "turkey" part.
All right, just a rescue mission.
- Okay, fine, I'm in.
- For a turkey.
I'm in, too. I promised Ken
I'd help him move today,
but screw it. I don't know why
I told him I have a Toyota Tacoma.
And so, Drew P. Neck,
I hereby pardon you from
the Thanksgiving table.
Now, let's get you
to that sanctuary, huh?
We don't have much time.
Let's go tell Mom and Dad.
Or as I call them,
Panache and The 'Stache.
Okay, I'll take a few questions.
You guys have all your
little recorder thingies out?
Uh, you, in the pants.
Will there be a photo op at
the sanctuary later today?
(whispers) That's a stupid question.
Uh, a photo? There? At the sanctuary?
I will have to check about that.
(imitates phone chime) Oh,
I'm getting a text.
Ooh, from the government.
I've got to go, I'm sorry. Good-bye.
Bless you all. Bye-bye.
Hmm. Interesting.
That dirty deputy mayor!
You know, if the real mayor
weren't out of his mind
with diarrhea right now,
none of this would have happened.
So, can we save Drew P. Neck?
I don't know. This all sounds crazy.
I have an idea:
we get justice by going to the store
and buying cranberries.
Bob, we got to save the turkey.
To protect the mayor's legacy.
We can't let them taint it.
- GENE: Yeah, a mayor's taint is sacred.
- Gene.
Look, guys, we don't even know
where Drew P. Neck is right now, so...
- Great.
- Come on, Dad, please?
Do something with your life for once.
(sighs) Okay, fine.
- All right!
- Hooray! - Yeah!
This is a terrible idea.
LOUISE: What? No.
Family turkey rescue?
Well, somebody better call Huey Lewis,
because I may have
found myself some news.
- I got eyes on her. I got eyes on her!
- She's right in front of us.
- Right.
- So, I know no one cares what I think,
but I would just like to say,
first of all,
I'm not convinced that you heard
what you thought you heard
on that phone call.
This lady may be just driving the turkey
to that sanctuary right now.
I mean, you guys
aren't the best listeners.
- You say something, Pop?
- And second of all,
even if it is all true,
what, exactly, is our plan here, anyway?
Run this lady off the road,
grab the turkey.
- You know, standard stuff.
- (grunts)
And then we got to
set Drew P. Neck free.
Somewhere peaceful, on a hill,
with a turkey house
and a white picket turkey fence.
And water-efficient landscaping.
BOB: And we're getting on the highway.
By the way, you're all hypocrites.
You know we're gonna eat
a turkey tomorrow, right?
Eat the hell out of it.
But, Dad, when we pardoned Drew P. Neck,
we promised him he'd live.
We have to keep our word. I mean, what?
We're gonna start lying to turkeys now?
You think that's pretty cool, Dad?!
♪ We're keeping our word ♪
♪ We're saving the bird this year. ♪
- BOB: Okay, I'm getting off.
- LINDA: What?
- TINA: No, no, no, no, no...
- LOUISE: Aw, come on!
We're going to the store
to get cranberries.
Sometimes I get to do what I want to do.
- No, you don't, ever!
- Pinch him, kids.
(pained grunts)
GENE: Let me at those nips.
All right, fine.
- (horn blaring)
- Ah...
- (tires screeching)
- BOB: Oh, wonderful.
TINA: Dad,
it's actually pretty dangerous
to stop your car here.
- BOB: I know that, Tina!
- LOUISE: Wow.
Did that whole family
give you the finger?
- Even the baby.
- Aw, little finger.
LOUISE: Well, we lost her.
- Great work, Cranberry Cathy.
- Oh, look, that's her car.
Pull in, Dad.
Well, now what?
I think our only option is
to clock her over the head
with a potted plant or a
tiny piano or something,
and then grab the turkey.
Maybe that could work.
- Lin.
- What?
Look, she's going inside.
GENE: Just like she always does.
If we had a brick, we could
throw it through the car window.
- No.
- You're being very negative, Bob.
No one is breaking into anything.
We still don't even know if any of this
so-called conspiracy is even true.
Now, I'm gonna go
into that little market
and see if maybe, somehow,
they have cranberries.
And then, when that lady
gets back to her car,
we will talk to her.
So, repeat after me: "I'm not going
to break into that vehicle."
ALL: I'm not going
to break into that vehicle.
I was hoping I would never have to
force this family to say that,
but here we are.
Cranberries? What do you want them for?
To make cranberry
sauce for Thanksgiving.
Cranberry sauce comes in a can.
I mean, no, it comes from cranberries.
But you can get it in a can, yes,
if you're hollow inside
and your heart is dead.
- Uh, we got raisins.
- Thanks for the help.
WOMAN: Yes, I'll head over there
after I take the turkey to the
(whispers): slaughterhouse.
Yes, I was just going to the bathroom.
I know I pee loud!
Oh, my God, she is taking Drew P. Neck
to the slaughterhouse.
Mm, don't know what you're saying now.
Never mind, I got to go. Bye.
Hey, what happened to the whole
not breaking into the vehicle thing?
We're not breaking in, Bob.
Yeah, Dad, it's the sunroof rule.
"If it's open for sun,
it's open for fun."
Oh, I can smell why she left it open.
- More like "turd" is the word.
- (gobbles)
Oh, God, I-I guess we're doing this.
I guess we're saving this turkey.
Attaboy, Bobby, you're finally
on the right side of history.
Okay, let's get out of here.
- (all gasp)
- Wait, is that the reporter guy?
Ta-da! It's Ralph.
I was in disguise as an
off-duty baseball player.
- I almost hit you with my car.
- You sure did.
Now, look, you kids
were right about this scandal,
and now,
I've got the deputy mayor's aide
talking about it on tape.
- So, I owe you an apology.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, that's nice.
- Yeah, you do.
And you owe me one
for not making me believe you.
So, yeah, that's on you.
Now, can I pop in there and
ride along with you guys?
Get some quotes,
be embedded right in the S-word.
- Okay.
- No, absolutely not.
Yes. Come on, Bob, let him come.
Think of the headline.
"Family Saves Pooping Mayor
"from Actions of Poopy Deputy Mayor,
Who is a Big Pile of Poops."
Right, Ralph?
Huh, that's pretty good.
Let me write that down.
(sighs) All right, fine.
Just get in, and let's go.
Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
What the...
Ralph, what are you doing here?
Wait, is-is that the...
I'll tell you what I'm doing here,
Marsha.
I'm exposing your scandalous lies.
And by the way, I got 'em all on tape.
Now, drive, Bob, drive!
Is the back door shut?
No, but it's fine. Go, Bob, go!
Can you just shut it, please?
I-I don't feel comfortable
driving with it open.
Damn it, Bob! Drive!
TINA: Also, this is our turkey.
Yeah. James Van Der Beak.
We're just trying to get
him back to his creek.
- Okay, everybody just wait.
- RALPH: Drive!
♪ ♪
Oh, my God. She's coming after us.
She's gonna kill us. She's gonna
kill us to cover this all up.
That's what I would do.
You got to lose her, Dad.
I'm trying.
Hold on, everybody!
- Oh, crap!
- (screaming)
(gobbling)
Wow. Nice work back there, old man.
Yeah, Bobby. That was hot.
You're a regular Steve the Queen.
It's Steve McQueen.
- No, it's not.
- (turkey gobbles)
You're welcome, you beady-eyed bastard.
But this is just a job to me, you hear?
- (gobbles)
- Don't sass me.
(gasps) Look. That's where we
should set Drew P. Neck free.
BOB: Uh, yeah. Let's do it.
This car is never gonna
smell the same again.
Eh, you'll get it back
to middle-aged fart smell
- soon enough.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, God. So tired. So sweaty.
That's what we'll put on your tombstone.
Marsha! Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!
All right, you know what?
Why don't we just try talking to her?
Oh, yeah, sure. That's a good plan.
"Hey, I'm Bob. Can we talk?
"Why are you putting those
black leather gloves on?
"Oh, you're choking me!
You're choking me!
(choking): Get off me! I'm dead."
That could totally happen, Bob.
I'm pretty sure Marsha has gloves.
Okay, fine. Let's just go.
TINA: Here. This is perfect.
Oh, thank God.
- Bye, bye, birdie.
- (panting) Stop!
- Don't do this!
- Too late.
Today, Drew Patrick Neck
is free as a bird.
Please don't strangle us.
- Huh?
- (yipping)
What's that?
Uh, guys,
I'm pretty sure that's coyotes.
- (Linda gasps)
- Oh, my God.
- (coyotes yipping)
- Okay, so, that's not gonna
- be great for a turkey.
- No, not really.
I guess it's in Mother
Nature's cruel hands now.
Eh, Drew's fine.
If Wile E. Coyote taught us anything,
those rascals are blowing themselves up
with their own dynamite as we speak.
- We got to go find him.
- Do we, though?
Is it still a rescue story if
the rescuee is torn to shreds?
I feel like it isn't.
(sighs) Okay,
let's just go find the turkey,
since that's what we do now.
Okay, let's go.
I mean, whatever. I'm breezy.
Wait! Don't! You, um,
you all dropped your wallets. Uh...
I just have to say that you, madam,
are not fit to wipe
the mayor's sick bottom.
Not that getting some help
with wiping is a bad thing.
And I still have your taped
conversation, Marsha. So, boom.
Ralph, you cannot run this story.
Oh, he's running the story, Marsha.
That's right.
And there's not a single thing
you can do about it.
What about an exclusive
interview with the mayor?
Well, that is something
that you could do about it.
- I would like that.
- What? Ralph, no.
How exclusive are we talking?
Super exclusive?
Super duper exclusive.
- Oh, wow.
- Ralph, if you run that story,
we will give you free burgers
at our restaurant for a month.
And also a free hot French fry massage,
which is something
I've been workshopping,
and it's going pretty well.
- Dad.
- Yeah, Tina?
Have you ever fought a
hungry pack of coyotes?
- Um... No.
- Damn.
What are you even supposed
to do when you see a coyote?
Uh, I don't know.
I-I think you're supposed
to use your body to scare it, maybe.
You should probably
take off your shirt, then,
and really freak him out.
- Louise.
- What?
(whispering): Look. Coyotes.
(Tina gasps)
Dad, go save him.
Yeah. Um... Here I... Here I go.
Okay. Go ahead.
Yep. I'm going.
Dad, you're not moving.
Am, uh, am I not? That's weird,
I thought my legs were moving.
- Would it helped if I pushed you?
- I-I don't...
- I don't think so, Tina.
- (grunting)
Uh, Tina, stop. Don't push me.
Guys, he's just a dumb turkey.
He's not worth getting
maimed or coyote-uglied over.
This is the law of the woods.
I mean, coyotes have to eat...
Oh, my God! What am I saying?
Get the hell away
from Drew P. Neck, you sons of bitches!
- (screaming)
- No, Louise!
(panting) Whoa. Louise.
(panting)
I-I guess you got that one.
- (panting)
- Uh, I'll get the next turkey
that's being attacked by coyotes.
- Sure.
- But that was good, though.
It was actually what...
exactly what I was gonna do.
MARSHA: Great. You found him.
That's... That's what we wanted.
(chuckles)
So, uh, Ralph, uh, super duper
exclusive interview with the mayor?
- Be strong, Ralph.
- Sorry, Marsha.
- No deal.
- Yes!
A "turkey pardon cover-up,"
plus "little girl saves turkey
from a pack of coyotes"?
That's what we call
in the journalism biz
a "Scoop There It Is."
Plus this lady right
here offered me a month
- of free burgers, so...
- Excuse me?
- Bob, shush, shush, shush.
- MARSHA: Well, great.
This cover-up is going just great.
Oh, I'm a terrible cover-upper.
Aw. No.
- No, I am. I am.
- I mean, yeah.
So, I have a question.
What are we gonna do
with this turkey now?
Actually, I have an idea.
It's me. Marsha. From work.
BOB: Is this it?
Wait a second.
Is that a two-butted goat?
- LOUISE: Sure is.
- GENE: A butt so nice, he has one twice.
- (screaming)
- I really don't like when people do that.
LOUISE: Deputy Mayor Cunningham?
Okay, now we're gonna get murdered.
Oh, my God. Okay, okay.
Everybody, uh, just play dead
and maybe he'll go away.
Like this. (groans)
Um, hello? Deputy Mayor Cunningham here.
Just want to say, not gonna murder you,
'cause... not in this suit. (laughs)
Uh, h-how did you know
we were coming here?
Hi.
Marsha! You told him.
But how did you know
we were coming here?
'Cause you talked about
it right in front of me.
Oh, yeah. We did.
You told us how to get to route five.
- Yeah.
- Thanks again. Good directions.
- You're welcome.
- TINA: Don't try to stop us,
Deputy Mayor Man.
We're giving Drew P. Neck
to this farm to live
out his days peacefully.
Yeah. He's gonna live with Double Butt.
It's gonna be like that
show Three's Company,
- but with butts.
- Oh, I'm falling.
Sorry, but the farmer's not home.
He must be out night-farming.
- Crap.
- Damn it. - Nice.
It's over, Cunningham.
I'm turning in my story,
and you are about to be
the deputy mayor of your mom's house.
Ooh. So sorry, Ralph.
You see, you recorded
a private conversation
without Marsha's permission.
So unless you want to get sued,
you're gonna need that.
Damn it. I do hate getting sued.
Yeah. It's not fun.
So how about I just take
that turkey off your hands?
- No.
- (grunting)
Pinch posse, attack!
Ow.
- Kids, stop it.
- Get him!
- That is my nipple.
- GENE: Just a few more hours
of this and you'll be dead.
Now. Good evening, everyone.
And may God bless America.
Marsha, skedaddle. Go, go, go.
Wait, Marsha. Stop.
Look, today has been awful
for many reasons.
We could've had a great
afternoon buying cranberries,
but instead we did this.
And the worst part of it is,
I really don't want
my kids to think this is
how the world works.
That people don't keep their word.
Even if it is to turkeys.
So please, do the right thing.
Also, your job seems horrible.
I'm just saying, I'm not judging.
Well, too bad Marsha doesn't give a rip.
Mom, I'll be there in a few hours.
And by the way, I'm quitting.
- All right.
- Yes. - Yeah, Marsha!
- But, but...
- Oh, uh, she wants to talk to you...?
I don't want to... (sighs) Hello?
Hey, now. Okay, there's no
need for that kind of langua...
I will not go to hell.
I am going to heaven. Good day.
What's going on? What'd I miss?
I got lost in the damn corn maze again.
Oh! Hey, kids. I remember you.
Hello, Mr. Farmer. We'd like to
present you with this turkey.
Oh, to eat? Thanks. Okay, bye.
Oh, no.
We were thinking you could, like,
raise it as your pet, or your child.
Yeah, we know he only has one butt,
but maybe you can make an exception?
Oh, uh... Yeah. Sure.
Um, to be clear...
you're not gonna eat him, right?
'Cause we went to a
lot of trouble and...
Yeah, yeah. Got it.
I won't eat him. Sheesh.
So can we go home now?
Ugh. You love going home.
I call way back. I'm gonna start
typing out my story on my phone.
Hey, Bob. Can you do me a favor
and just drive a little
bit better this time?
What? We were in a high-speed chase.
Yeah, I know. There's just a lot
of zigging and zagging
all over the place.
If you could just smooth it out for me.
- (groans)
- Hey. Ralph.
How do you now they'll print it?
What's that? My story?
Well, they have a printer, so...
Yeah, yeah.
But how do you know they'll print it?
I think he's trying to say, Ralph,
that he has some way
of killing your story.
Um, that's what I'm picking up.
No, I think he's just interested
in the printing process.
No, you... Let me put it this way:
I am the deputy mayor.
When I say "kill a story,"
they say, "how high?"
This story is officially D-E-A...
- Oh, they printed it.
- Huh. I guess Cunningham
doesn't have as much pull at
the paper as he thought he did.
Yeah, he's not the mayor.
He's the deputy.
They even let dogs be deputies.
This is so exciting.
I mean, it's on page 11
and Ralph spelled our name
"Blecher," but still.
I've never figured out
how the heck it's spelled.
We did good. Thanksgiving?
More like You're Welcome-ivigiving.
Dad, this cranberry sauce looks great.
I don't even miss the can shape, much.
I just can't believe that
farmer had a cranberry bog.
And he let me in that cranberry bog.
But I mean, I played it pretty cool.
They're so fresh! They're so fresh!
Okay, okay. Chill out.
All right. Time for one of my
famous Thanksgiving speeches.
Hold on.
I wrote something down this year.
Uh, "You know, when I was growing up..."
- Dad. Uh, Dad?
- Huh?
- Yeah.
- I'd like the floor, if I may.
- Um, uh, just... uh, yeah.
- You're done, right?
- Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- Okay, great.
I was just gonna put this away. Yeah.
I used to think turkeys
were nasty and horrible.
But then I-I met someone
that taught me that
maybe they're not so bad.
- Was that someone me? Oh.
- No.
It was Drew P. Neck.
And so, on behalf of him,
I'd like to pardon
this turkey right now.
Aw, that's so sweet.
- I know.
- Um, it's already dead.
- Quiet, Bob.
- Sorry.
Okay, everybody, let's dig in.
I'm gonna pardon that
fool right into my mouth.
It's just not how pardoning works.
Pardon me while I pardon gravy
all up in this mamma-jamma.
And get a little onto my knees,
and a little bit all over my neck.
- BOB: Stop, Gene.
- LINDA: And I'm gonna pardon
the cork right out of this Pardonnay.
BOB: Okay, well,
words have meaning, but whatever.
Let's eat.
LINDA: ♪ We're keeping our word ♪
♪ We're saving the bird this year ♪
♪ Gonna keep our word,
gonna save the bird ♪
♪ That's what you heard ♪
♪ We're keeping our word ♪
♪ We're saving the bird this year ♪
♪ Gonna keep our word,
gonna save the bird ♪
♪ That's what you heard ♪
♪ Don't you taint my mayor ♪
♪ Don't you taint my mayor ♪
♪ Let him fly ♪
♪ We're saving the bird this year ♪
♪ Gonna keep our word,
gonna save the bird ♪
♪ That's what you heard ♪
♪ We're keeping our word,
we're saving the bird this year... ♪
Okay, looking good in your
little brine bath, buddy.
And tomorrow, somebody's gonna be
the most delicious
Thanksgiving turkey ever.
(high-pitched): "Is it me?"
Sure is, pal.
(bashful chuckle)
All right, I'll check in on you after
we get back from the turkey pardoning,
since our town is doing that now.
"Turkey pardoning?"
I know, right? So dumb.
Treating the turkey like it's a person.
"Yeah, idiots! Wait, but don't you..."
Shh, shh. No, no, no. Shh, shh, shh.
Ugh, I still can't believe we're wasting
our half day off school to
go see a turkey pardoning.
That I do not pardon.
Yeah, the only Parton
I need to see is Dolly.
Come on, it'll be fun.
We're gonna go to city hall.
We're gonna see the mayor.
The mayor!
Why-why do you love the mayor so much?
What are you talking about?
He's the mayor.
He wears those shirts,
and he's always waving.
- Oh, he's got a great wave.
- It is a good wave.
- He really gets into it.
- It's like his whole body's waving.
He doesn't have any bones.
He's like a fish.
- Fish have bones.
- They do?
Uh, yeah.
I think the pardoning sounds nice.
Giving the turkey a
second chance at life
after being locked up.
The turkey hasn't been to prison.
- What are you, his lawyer?
- Ugh.
The live turkeys are the worst.
Those flesh-mangling beaks
and those beady eyes?
Also, how can you trust an animal
with a head that's that bald and tiny?
I mean, we trust Dad.
- That's true.
- Mm.
All right, people, let's go.
- We're losing daylight.
- Cranberries!
- Language.
- No,
I forgot cranberries
for the cranberry sauce.
We-we got to go to the store
after the thing and get them.
Or... we could just buy canned
cranberry sauce this year.
Yeah. I love big cans. (growls)
What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I know
you ate that sugary
canned cranberry slop
at your grandmother's that one year,
'cause she doesn't care about anything.
- Watch it.
- But we are not eating that junk in the house.
This is a fresh cranberry
sauce house, damn it.
It's who we are!
I like the shape it makes
when it comes out of the can.
- So help me, Tina.
- Sorry.
LINDA: Ugh. They're an hour late.
And what's with the lousy turnout?
This is the mayor's
first turkey pardoning.
- Where's the freaking support?
- Maybe everyone came down
with a bad case of
"I'd rather be anywhere else"?
- (chuckles) Nice.
- (chuckles)
Stop it. No high-fiving.
Ooh! Here comes someone.
Hello, everyone.
Uh, sorry for the delay.
I'm afraid there's been a
change of plans. (chuckles)
The mayor had to... not be here.
He had a mayor emergency.
An e-mayor-gency. Uh...
What? An e-mayor-gency? No!
But, uh, what's almost
as good as the mayor?
- LINDA: Nothing!
- Okay.
- Linda, please stop.
- You stop.
The deputy mayor.
So, may I present to you
Deputy Mayor Daniel Cunningham.
(chuckles) Hello. Thank you.
Hey, why don't we give
a big thanks to the person who
organized this whole event?
Oh, right, it was me.
Yeah, the mayor
delegated it all to me...
no big deal... and he's sorry
he couldn't be here today.
Though not as sorry as his toilet.
#StomachProblems.
How dare he hashtag my
mayor's stomach problems.
Okay. Let's bring up
the star of the show,
Drew P. Neck!
(gobbles)
- Ugh.
- I think he's cute.
Go for it, sister. I don't see a ring.
And after lucky little Drew
P. Neck here gets pardoned,
he's going to live out
his days peacefully
at the Old McDonald Had
a Sanctuary Sanctuary,
where the motto is "E-I-E-I Hope."
Okay, who wants to go stare
at the broken fountain
- that's never worked?
- Ooh, me.
We're having a good childhood.
Hey, cool press badge.
- Are you in the press?
- Uh, yeah.
- I knew it.
- So you actually have to report
- on this crap show?
- I know, right?
Why can't I be covering a
pre-Thanksgiving armed robbery?
Or maybe, like, one little stabbing.
If you give me your pen,
I could stab you in the bottom.
That's very generous,
but, no, thank you.
LOUISE: Well, we're doing it.
We're staring at the broken fountain.
(whistles) Does not disappoint.
WOMAN: Well, dum-dum
Deputy Mayor Cunningham
just had the sanctuary idea
yesterday, Mom.
And the one he picked
can't take the turkey.
They're at capacity. I told you already.
What's going on here?
Gene, Tina, let's drop some eaves.
Well, he told me to drive it to a...
(whispers): slaughterhouse.
A slaughterhouse?
That doesn't sound good.
Maybe she meant "cider house."
That place rules.
I can't just let the turkey go.
It's the most famous bird
in the county. It'll be recognized.
No, I'm not just gonna murder it
and bury it in the woods.
Oh, my sister could do it?
Well, I'm not Lisa!
Look, I'll get home as soon as I can,
but now I have to drive
a turkey to a slaughterhouse
because my career in politics
is going really great!
So the sanctuary stuff is just a lie?
They're taking Drew P.
Neck to a slaughterhouse?
This is, like, a serious scandal.
Eh, I wouldn't really call it a scandal.
It's scand-ish.
A Scand-ish-navian, if you will.
Oh, let's go tell the reporter guy!
Reporters love reporting stuff.
Uh, no.
What? What do you mean, no?
Yeah. I don't take
tips from kids anymore.
Not since my niece told me
about a homework burglar.
Turns out she's just a
terrible student and person.
Now, if you'll excuse me, bye.
Aah! We got to help Drew P.!
What are we gonna do?
Well, we could do nothing?
- Maybe try that?
- Nothing sounds good.
No, we got to... save him.
Or we don't. 'Cause he's nasty.
Or we go on a full-on rescue mission.
Hmm. Rescue mission.
I kind of like the sound of that.
Yes. A turkey rescue mission.
I don't like the "turkey" part.
All right, just a rescue mission.
- Okay, fine, I'm in.
- For a turkey.
I'm in, too. I promised Ken
I'd help him move today,
but screw it. I don't know why
I told him I have a Toyota Tacoma.
And so, Drew P. Neck,
I hereby pardon you from
the Thanksgiving table.
Now, let's get you
to that sanctuary, huh?
We don't have much time.
Let's go tell Mom and Dad.
Or as I call them,
Panache and The 'Stache.
Okay, I'll take a few questions.
You guys have all your
little recorder thingies out?
Uh, you, in the pants.
Will there be a photo op at
the sanctuary later today?
(whispers) That's a stupid question.
Uh, a photo? There? At the sanctuary?
I will have to check about that.
(imitates phone chime) Oh,
I'm getting a text.
Ooh, from the government.
I've got to go, I'm sorry. Good-bye.
Bless you all. Bye-bye.
Hmm. Interesting.
That dirty deputy mayor!
You know, if the real mayor
weren't out of his mind
with diarrhea right now,
none of this would have happened.
So, can we save Drew P. Neck?
I don't know. This all sounds crazy.
I have an idea:
we get justice by going to the store
and buying cranberries.
Bob, we got to save the turkey.
To protect the mayor's legacy.
We can't let them taint it.
- GENE: Yeah, a mayor's taint is sacred.
- Gene.
Look, guys, we don't even know
where Drew P. Neck is right now, so...
- Great.
- Come on, Dad, please?
Do something with your life for once.
(sighs) Okay, fine.
- All right!
- Hooray! - Yeah!
This is a terrible idea.
LOUISE: What? No.
Family turkey rescue?
Well, somebody better call Huey Lewis,
because I may have
found myself some news.
- I got eyes on her. I got eyes on her!
- She's right in front of us.
- Right.
- So, I know no one cares what I think,
but I would just like to say,
first of all,
I'm not convinced that you heard
what you thought you heard
on that phone call.
This lady may be just driving the turkey
to that sanctuary right now.
I mean, you guys
aren't the best listeners.
- You say something, Pop?
- And second of all,
even if it is all true,
what, exactly, is our plan here, anyway?
Run this lady off the road,
grab the turkey.
- You know, standard stuff.
- (grunts)
And then we got to
set Drew P. Neck free.
Somewhere peaceful, on a hill,
with a turkey house
and a white picket turkey fence.
And water-efficient landscaping.
BOB: And we're getting on the highway.
By the way, you're all hypocrites.
You know we're gonna eat
a turkey tomorrow, right?
Eat the hell out of it.
But, Dad, when we pardoned Drew P. Neck,
we promised him he'd live.
We have to keep our word. I mean, what?
We're gonna start lying to turkeys now?
You think that's pretty cool, Dad?!
♪ We're keeping our word ♪
♪ We're saving the bird this year. ♪
- BOB: Okay, I'm getting off.
- LINDA: What?
- TINA: No, no, no, no, no...
- LOUISE: Aw, come on!
We're going to the store
to get cranberries.
Sometimes I get to do what I want to do.
- No, you don't, ever!
- Pinch him, kids.
(pained grunts)
GENE: Let me at those nips.
All right, fine.
- (horn blaring)
- Ah...
- (tires screeching)
- BOB: Oh, wonderful.
TINA: Dad,
it's actually pretty dangerous
to stop your car here.
- BOB: I know that, Tina!
- LOUISE: Wow.
Did that whole family
give you the finger?
- Even the baby.
- Aw, little finger.
LOUISE: Well, we lost her.
- Great work, Cranberry Cathy.
- Oh, look, that's her car.
Pull in, Dad.
Well, now what?
I think our only option is
to clock her over the head
with a potted plant or a
tiny piano or something,
and then grab the turkey.
Maybe that could work.
- Lin.
- What?
Look, she's going inside.
GENE: Just like she always does.
If we had a brick, we could
throw it through the car window.
- No.
- You're being very negative, Bob.
No one is breaking into anything.
We still don't even know if any of this
so-called conspiracy is even true.
Now, I'm gonna go
into that little market
and see if maybe, somehow,
they have cranberries.
And then, when that lady
gets back to her car,
we will talk to her.
So, repeat after me: "I'm not going
to break into that vehicle."
ALL: I'm not going
to break into that vehicle.
I was hoping I would never have to
force this family to say that,
but here we are.
Cranberries? What do you want them for?
To make cranberry
sauce for Thanksgiving.
Cranberry sauce comes in a can.
I mean, no, it comes from cranberries.
But you can get it in a can, yes,
if you're hollow inside
and your heart is dead.
- Uh, we got raisins.
- Thanks for the help.
WOMAN: Yes, I'll head over there
after I take the turkey to the
(whispers): slaughterhouse.
Yes, I was just going to the bathroom.
I know I pee loud!
Oh, my God, she is taking Drew P. Neck
to the slaughterhouse.
Mm, don't know what you're saying now.
Never mind, I got to go. Bye.
Hey, what happened to the whole
not breaking into the vehicle thing?
We're not breaking in, Bob.
Yeah, Dad, it's the sunroof rule.
"If it's open for sun,
it's open for fun."
Oh, I can smell why she left it open.
- More like "turd" is the word.
- (gobbles)
Oh, God, I-I guess we're doing this.
I guess we're saving this turkey.
Attaboy, Bobby, you're finally
on the right side of history.
Okay, let's get out of here.
- (all gasp)
- Wait, is that the reporter guy?
Ta-da! It's Ralph.
I was in disguise as an
off-duty baseball player.
- I almost hit you with my car.
- You sure did.
Now, look, you kids
were right about this scandal,
and now,
I've got the deputy mayor's aide
talking about it on tape.
- So, I owe you an apology.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, that's nice.
- Yeah, you do.
And you owe me one
for not making me believe you.
So, yeah, that's on you.
Now, can I pop in there and
ride along with you guys?
Get some quotes,
be embedded right in the S-word.
- Okay.
- No, absolutely not.
Yes. Come on, Bob, let him come.
Think of the headline.
"Family Saves Pooping Mayor
"from Actions of Poopy Deputy Mayor,
Who is a Big Pile of Poops."
Right, Ralph?
Huh, that's pretty good.
Let me write that down.
(sighs) All right, fine.
Just get in, and let's go.
Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
What the...
Ralph, what are you doing here?
Wait, is-is that the...
I'll tell you what I'm doing here,
Marsha.
I'm exposing your scandalous lies.
And by the way, I got 'em all on tape.
Now, drive, Bob, drive!
Is the back door shut?
No, but it's fine. Go, Bob, go!
Can you just shut it, please?
I-I don't feel comfortable
driving with it open.
Damn it, Bob! Drive!
TINA: Also, this is our turkey.
Yeah. James Van Der Beak.
We're just trying to get
him back to his creek.
- Okay, everybody just wait.
- RALPH: Drive!
♪ ♪
Oh, my God. She's coming after us.
She's gonna kill us. She's gonna
kill us to cover this all up.
That's what I would do.
You got to lose her, Dad.
I'm trying.
Hold on, everybody!
- Oh, crap!
- (screaming)
(gobbling)
Wow. Nice work back there, old man.
Yeah, Bobby. That was hot.
You're a regular Steve the Queen.
It's Steve McQueen.
- No, it's not.
- (turkey gobbles)
You're welcome, you beady-eyed bastard.
But this is just a job to me, you hear?
- (gobbles)
- Don't sass me.
(gasps) Look. That's where we
should set Drew P. Neck free.
BOB: Uh, yeah. Let's do it.
This car is never gonna
smell the same again.
Eh, you'll get it back
to middle-aged fart smell
- soon enough.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, God. So tired. So sweaty.
That's what we'll put on your tombstone.
Marsha! Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!
All right, you know what?
Why don't we just try talking to her?
Oh, yeah, sure. That's a good plan.
"Hey, I'm Bob. Can we talk?
"Why are you putting those
black leather gloves on?
"Oh, you're choking me!
You're choking me!
(choking): Get off me! I'm dead."
That could totally happen, Bob.
I'm pretty sure Marsha has gloves.
Okay, fine. Let's just go.
TINA: Here. This is perfect.
Oh, thank God.
- Bye, bye, birdie.
- (panting) Stop!
- Don't do this!
- Too late.
Today, Drew Patrick Neck
is free as a bird.
Please don't strangle us.
- Huh?
- (yipping)
What's that?
Uh, guys,
I'm pretty sure that's coyotes.
- (Linda gasps)
- Oh, my God.
- (coyotes yipping)
- Okay, so, that's not gonna
- be great for a turkey.
- No, not really.
I guess it's in Mother
Nature's cruel hands now.
Eh, Drew's fine.
If Wile E. Coyote taught us anything,
those rascals are blowing themselves up
with their own dynamite as we speak.
- We got to go find him.
- Do we, though?
Is it still a rescue story if
the rescuee is torn to shreds?
I feel like it isn't.
(sighs) Okay,
let's just go find the turkey,
since that's what we do now.
Okay, let's go.
I mean, whatever. I'm breezy.
Wait! Don't! You, um,
you all dropped your wallets. Uh...
I just have to say that you, madam,
are not fit to wipe
the mayor's sick bottom.
Not that getting some help
with wiping is a bad thing.
And I still have your taped
conversation, Marsha. So, boom.
Ralph, you cannot run this story.
Oh, he's running the story, Marsha.
That's right.
And there's not a single thing
you can do about it.
What about an exclusive
interview with the mayor?
Well, that is something
that you could do about it.
- I would like that.
- What? Ralph, no.
How exclusive are we talking?
Super exclusive?
Super duper exclusive.
- Oh, wow.
- Ralph, if you run that story,
we will give you free burgers
at our restaurant for a month.
And also a free hot French fry massage,
which is something
I've been workshopping,
and it's going pretty well.
- Dad.
- Yeah, Tina?
Have you ever fought a
hungry pack of coyotes?
- Um... No.
- Damn.
What are you even supposed
to do when you see a coyote?
Uh, I don't know.
I-I think you're supposed
to use your body to scare it, maybe.
You should probably
take off your shirt, then,
and really freak him out.
- Louise.
- What?
(whispering): Look. Coyotes.
(Tina gasps)
Dad, go save him.
Yeah. Um... Here I... Here I go.
Okay. Go ahead.
Yep. I'm going.
Dad, you're not moving.
Am, uh, am I not? That's weird,
I thought my legs were moving.
- Would it helped if I pushed you?
- I-I don't...
- I don't think so, Tina.
- (grunting)
Uh, Tina, stop. Don't push me.
Guys, he's just a dumb turkey.
He's not worth getting
maimed or coyote-uglied over.
This is the law of the woods.
I mean, coyotes have to eat...
Oh, my God! What am I saying?
Get the hell away
from Drew P. Neck, you sons of bitches!
- (screaming)
- No, Louise!
(panting) Whoa. Louise.
(panting)
I-I guess you got that one.
- (panting)
- Uh, I'll get the next turkey
that's being attacked by coyotes.
- Sure.
- But that was good, though.
It was actually what...
exactly what I was gonna do.
MARSHA: Great. You found him.
That's... That's what we wanted.
(chuckles)
So, uh, Ralph, uh, super duper
exclusive interview with the mayor?
- Be strong, Ralph.
- Sorry, Marsha.
- No deal.
- Yes!
A "turkey pardon cover-up,"
plus "little girl saves turkey
from a pack of coyotes"?
That's what we call
in the journalism biz
a "Scoop There It Is."
Plus this lady right
here offered me a month
- of free burgers, so...
- Excuse me?
- Bob, shush, shush, shush.
- MARSHA: Well, great.
This cover-up is going just great.
Oh, I'm a terrible cover-upper.
Aw. No.
- No, I am. I am.
- I mean, yeah.
So, I have a question.
What are we gonna do
with this turkey now?
Actually, I have an idea.
It's me. Marsha. From work.
BOB: Is this it?
Wait a second.
Is that a two-butted goat?
- LOUISE: Sure is.
- GENE: A butt so nice, he has one twice.
- (screaming)
- I really don't like when people do that.
LOUISE: Deputy Mayor Cunningham?
Okay, now we're gonna get murdered.
Oh, my God. Okay, okay.
Everybody, uh, just play dead
and maybe he'll go away.
Like this. (groans)
Um, hello? Deputy Mayor Cunningham here.
Just want to say, not gonna murder you,
'cause... not in this suit. (laughs)
Uh, h-how did you know
we were coming here?
Hi.
Marsha! You told him.
But how did you know
we were coming here?
'Cause you talked about
it right in front of me.
Oh, yeah. We did.
You told us how to get to route five.
- Yeah.
- Thanks again. Good directions.
- You're welcome.
- TINA: Don't try to stop us,
Deputy Mayor Man.
We're giving Drew P. Neck
to this farm to live
out his days peacefully.
Yeah. He's gonna live with Double Butt.
It's gonna be like that
show Three's Company,
- but with butts.
- Oh, I'm falling.
Sorry, but the farmer's not home.
He must be out night-farming.
- Crap.
- Damn it. - Nice.
It's over, Cunningham.
I'm turning in my story,
and you are about to be
the deputy mayor of your mom's house.
Ooh. So sorry, Ralph.
You see, you recorded
a private conversation
without Marsha's permission.
So unless you want to get sued,
you're gonna need that.
Damn it. I do hate getting sued.
Yeah. It's not fun.
So how about I just take
that turkey off your hands?
- No.
- (grunting)
Pinch posse, attack!
Ow.
- Kids, stop it.
- Get him!
- That is my nipple.
- GENE: Just a few more hours
of this and you'll be dead.
Now. Good evening, everyone.
And may God bless America.
Marsha, skedaddle. Go, go, go.
Wait, Marsha. Stop.
Look, today has been awful
for many reasons.
We could've had a great
afternoon buying cranberries,
but instead we did this.
And the worst part of it is,
I really don't want
my kids to think this is
how the world works.
That people don't keep their word.
Even if it is to turkeys.
So please, do the right thing.
Also, your job seems horrible.
I'm just saying, I'm not judging.
Well, too bad Marsha doesn't give a rip.
Mom, I'll be there in a few hours.
And by the way, I'm quitting.
- All right.
- Yes. - Yeah, Marsha!
- But, but...
- Oh, uh, she wants to talk to you...?
I don't want to... (sighs) Hello?
Hey, now. Okay, there's no
need for that kind of langua...
I will not go to hell.
I am going to heaven. Good day.
What's going on? What'd I miss?
I got lost in the damn corn maze again.
Oh! Hey, kids. I remember you.
Hello, Mr. Farmer. We'd like to
present you with this turkey.
Oh, to eat? Thanks. Okay, bye.
Oh, no.
We were thinking you could, like,
raise it as your pet, or your child.
Yeah, we know he only has one butt,
but maybe you can make an exception?
Oh, uh... Yeah. Sure.
Um, to be clear...
you're not gonna eat him, right?
'Cause we went to a
lot of trouble and...
Yeah, yeah. Got it.
I won't eat him. Sheesh.
So can we go home now?
Ugh. You love going home.
I call way back. I'm gonna start
typing out my story on my phone.
Hey, Bob. Can you do me a favor
and just drive a little
bit better this time?
What? We were in a high-speed chase.
Yeah, I know. There's just a lot
of zigging and zagging
all over the place.
If you could just smooth it out for me.
- (groans)
- Hey. Ralph.
How do you now they'll print it?
What's that? My story?
Well, they have a printer, so...
Yeah, yeah.
But how do you know they'll print it?
I think he's trying to say, Ralph,
that he has some way
of killing your story.
Um, that's what I'm picking up.
No, I think he's just interested
in the printing process.
No, you... Let me put it this way:
I am the deputy mayor.
When I say "kill a story,"
they say, "how high?"
This story is officially D-E-A...
- Oh, they printed it.
- Huh. I guess Cunningham
doesn't have as much pull at
the paper as he thought he did.
Yeah, he's not the mayor.
He's the deputy.
They even let dogs be deputies.
This is so exciting.
I mean, it's on page 11
and Ralph spelled our name
"Blecher," but still.
I've never figured out
how the heck it's spelled.
We did good. Thanksgiving?
More like You're Welcome-ivigiving.
Dad, this cranberry sauce looks great.
I don't even miss the can shape, much.
I just can't believe that
farmer had a cranberry bog.
And he let me in that cranberry bog.
But I mean, I played it pretty cool.
They're so fresh! They're so fresh!
Okay, okay. Chill out.
All right. Time for one of my
famous Thanksgiving speeches.
Hold on.
I wrote something down this year.
Uh, "You know, when I was growing up..."
- Dad. Uh, Dad?
- Huh?
- Yeah.
- I'd like the floor, if I may.
- Um, uh, just... uh, yeah.
- You're done, right?
- Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- Okay, great.
I was just gonna put this away. Yeah.
I used to think turkeys
were nasty and horrible.
But then I-I met someone
that taught me that
maybe they're not so bad.
- Was that someone me? Oh.
- No.
It was Drew P. Neck.
And so, on behalf of him,
I'd like to pardon
this turkey right now.
Aw, that's so sweet.
- I know.
- Um, it's already dead.
- Quiet, Bob.
- Sorry.
Okay, everybody, let's dig in.
I'm gonna pardon that
fool right into my mouth.
It's just not how pardoning works.
Pardon me while I pardon gravy
all up in this mamma-jamma.
And get a little onto my knees,
and a little bit all over my neck.
- BOB: Stop, Gene.
- LINDA: And I'm gonna pardon
the cork right out of this Pardonnay.
BOB: Okay, well,
words have meaning, but whatever.
Let's eat.
LINDA: ♪ We're keeping our word ♪
♪ We're saving the bird this year ♪
♪ Gonna keep our word,
gonna save the bird ♪
♪ That's what you heard ♪
♪ We're keeping our word ♪
♪ We're saving the bird this year ♪
♪ Gonna keep our word,
gonna save the bird ♪
♪ That's what you heard ♪
♪ Don't you taint my mayor ♪
♪ Don't you taint my mayor ♪
♪ Let him fly ♪
♪ We're saving the bird this year ♪
♪ Gonna keep our word,
gonna save the bird ♪
♪ That's what you heard ♪
♪ We're keeping our word,
we're saving the bird this year... ♪