Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 9, Episode 20 - The Gene Mile - full transcript

*BOB'S BURGERS*
Season 09 Episode 20

Episode Title:
"The Gene Mile"

Synchronized by srjanapala

I wonder whywe're
all assembled here today?

I hope we're about to enter
the Hunger Games,

'cause I'm starving.

Maybe they're gonna tell us
this is all a joke.

Who's ready
to have a little fun?

When I say "announce,"
you say "ments."

Announcements.
Aah, I messed that up.

Anyway, here's your P.E.
instructor, Coach Blevins.



This Friday,
every single student

at Wagstaff
will be participating

in our annual fourth througheighth
grade mandatory mile run.

What-What's happening?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Every student is required to run

unless you have
a real doctor's note,

not a very convincing fake one

that any intelligent person
would fall for.

We'll be running
the same route as last year

on the sidewalk outside
of school property.

Teachers will be placed
around the route

here, here, here and hereto
make sure you don't get lost

or taken or something worse
I'm not thinking of.



This dot on the map is me.

But I'll be scooting about
on my adult scooter

to inspire while you perspire.

Okay.

Now let's move on
to the booger wall.

Mr. Branca is scraping
and painting today,

so if you want a picture
of yourself with it

or if you want to take any
of your boogers home,

you have two hours.

We have to run? A mile?

And it's mandatory?!

What a bunch of crap!

Well, listen,
I can't run the mile!

- Okay?
- If I run a mile, I will die!

A mile is like five miles

if I run a mile with these little legs!

Tell me about it.

- Okay, you want a hit?
- Nah, I'm good.

I want to stay angry.

Hey, Jimmy Jr.I was
thinking it could be cool

if we ran the mile together
this year.

W-Wait, you?

- Run with me?
- Uh, yeah.

- Doesn't that sound kind of fun?
- Sorry, Tina.

But have you seen
how fast I run?

I-I guess? Um, I just thought
it-it could be a nice way

- to spend time...
- Well, I mean,

I'm gonna try and break
nine minutes, so...

I could just try to run
with you?

Maybe we could hang out
after the mile when you finish

and I've already been doing
something else

for, like, two or three minutes.

Okay, you know what, Jimmy Jr.?
I'm not gonna run with you.

Yeah, I know, Tina.

I'm gonna beat you.

That's crazy.

You better start training,
Jimmy Jr.,

'cause Mama's comin' for you.

I'm Mama in this scenario.

So, how are we
getting out of itthis time?

I don't know. I think
Coach Blevins finally realized.

Dr. Good-doctor
isn't a real doctor.

"Gene and Alex
both need constant contact

"with their behinds on a surfaceto
realign their butt-cheeks.

Love, Dr. Good-doctor."

I can't run a whole mile
in a row.

What do they think I am,
a car?

It's on again.

T his weekend
at the Wharf Arts Center,

Cake is back.

It's so beautiful.

And this time, they're gonna
patty-cake your breath away.

It did.

It just caked my breath away.

- Tickets on sale now.
- So, are you going?

- I wish.
- Tickets are so expensive.

How much could they be?

I was just checking this morning

on the Wharf Arts Center
website.

- Here, look.
- Ooh.

That is not cheap.

Wait, look. It says this Friday,

they're gonna releasediscounted
tickets at 11:00 a.m.

You can get them over the phone.

Oh, my God.
I-If we call right at 11:00,

maybe we'll get lucky.

We're great at calling places
at certain times.

Like how I call Ginger
every day at 5:15,

and she says, "Call me later,"
and then I forget.

Stupid Jimmy Jr.

Thinks I can't keep up with him.

Well, at least
after we run the mile,

we can all go get a free scoop
of ice cream.

What are you talking about?

Friday is free scoop day
at Moo's Clues.

I've been saving up my money
for it for weeks.

Just kidding. It's free,

so I won't need any money.

I've always wanted to go
to free scoop day.

Don't even bother.
Let me paint a picture.

Last year. Free scoop day.

It was a beautiful afternoon,

the perfect kind of afternoon
for eating...

- Ice cream.
- Thank you, Courtney.

Mm-hmm.
- But by the time

school got out and we
arrived at Moo's Clues,

the line was down the block.

When we finally got
to the counter,

the only flavor left was.

Rum Raisin Sorbet.

Dear Lord.

No! Why?!

The only way
I'd go to free scoop day

would be to somehow go
during school,

which is impossible.

Wait, Gene.
That's a great idea.

We could go during the mile.
We'd have no lines

and all the flavors
to choose from.

How would we go during the mile?

I mean, Coach Blevins showed us
the map.

This is school.
We start running the race

with everyone else here.

Not liking the plan so far.

Shush, shush, shush.
The morning of the race,

we could hide bikes
under the bushes

where no teachers
are stationed here.

Then, while all the other kids
are running this way,

we'd just have to ride twoblocks
off route to Moo's Clues,

eat our free ice cream,
get back, stash our bikes,

blend in with the other
runners, and finish the mile.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna pass out.
That's a great plan!

Mm, I don't know if there's
enough time to do all of that.

Yeah, last year,
some eighth grader ran it

in, like, seven minutes.

We can't do all that
in seven minutes.

- That's cuckoo.
- No.

We're gonna blend in
with the back of the pack.

Who runs the slowest mile?

I think Large Tommy ran it
in, like, 20 minutes.

Oh, right, 'cause he had
to repeat the fourth grade.

I get it. Pick a grade
you likeand stick with it.

Okay, so,
we'll have about 20 minutes.

It's tight,
but we could pull it off.

Like my Spanx.

All we have to do
is finish before he does.

But what if Tommy runs it
faster this year?

Well, we could... track him.

Okay.
We'll use the trackers we got

- when we were in the CIA.
- No, no, no.

My dad bought our cat
a GPS collar

so he could keep track of her.

That little happy cat is Susan.

- Aw.
- If we could somehow put

the collar on Large Tommy,

then we'd know exactly whenwe'd
need to finish the race by.

Wow. Courtney, I'm impressed.

Guys, this plan sounds
a little risky.

Well, there's no way
I could run a whole mile.

So I say we take the risk
and we do the ice cream plan.

All right, we're doing this.

Tina, are you in?
You want ice cream?

No ice cream for me.

I'm just gonna have
a double scoop

of beating Jimmy Jr.'s ass
into the asphalt.

Suit yourself, sis.

'Kay, Friday morning,
we all leave for school early,

we hide our bikes,
and then we eat

any flavor of free ice cream
we choose.

And if we have time, we take
allof the Rum Raisin Sorbet

out of that store and burn it.

- Uh, I like Rum Raisin Sorbet, actually.
- Rudy!

Get some rest, phone.
You have a big day tomorrow.

You're gonna get us tickets

to see Cake Two:
Cake My Breath Away.

Don't worry, I got this, Bob.

I know you do, B.P.

What's B.P.?

"Bob's phone." Your nickname.

- Do you love it?
- No.

- What do you want to be named?
- Phil.

Stop talking to your phone, Bob.
Go to sleep.

One second. You're so old,
but I believe in you.

- Bob, go to sleep!
- Okay. I love you.

Are you talking to me
or to your phone?

Uh, y-you...?

You're lookin' good on
that big-girl bike, Louise.

Thank you.

I mean, I'm being nice.
But good effort.

All right, we're here.

Ah, dang. I tried to skid out,
but it didn't work.

Man, that would have been
cool.

Ah, ring, ring. I'm here.

Hey, Courtney. You don't have
to say "ring, ring"

and ring your bell.

I also don't have
to say "tinkle"

when I'm tinkling,
but I do.

Oh, my God. All right,
let's stash our bikes.

How's everybody feeling?

- Pumped.
- So good.

- Scared.
- Alex, you have to bury that fear.

One slipup, and you could
endanger the mission.

We live by the cone
or we die by the cone!

I think they also have cups.

- So, are we cool?
- Yeah.

- Now, give me a hug.
- On it.

Wait, a quick one or, like,
uh, what are we doing?

Hug me like you got lost
at an amusement park,

and you just found your mommy.

- I'll do a hug.
- Get in here, girl!

- Aw...
- I want a hug.

Bring it in, Rudy.

You're really
missin' out, Louise.

Oh, no, I'm-I'm not.

Good morning, Wagstaffians.

In a minute, you will begin...-Oh,
crap, I forgot my hard hat.

Why do you need a hard hat?

'Cause I'm gonna demolish you.

All right, Courtney,
give me the tracker.

Here you go.

Geez, I hope Susan doesn't
pick today to run away.

That'd be terrible timing
on her part.

You don't think she'll
run away, do you?

Susan? No.

Guys, look.
Tommy has a hydration pack.

We can hide the cat collar
in there.

I say we stick
with the original plan

and tell him it's a cool anklet.

Gene, no. I'm moving in.

- What's up?
- Uh, nothing.

Your backpack is unzipped.
There ya go.

What do you, uh,
have to drink back there?

Water. Actually, it's milk.

Done. Courtney,
do we have a signal?

- Check.
- All right.

Now we just have to
get to the finish line

before that happy little
cat face does.

Hi, Teddy!

We're about to call and try
to get tickets for Cake.

Hey, I could help.
I got a phone.

Uh, yeah. Thanks, Teddy.

That's what best friends
are for.

Uh, let's-let's see if you
get through.

Okay, we have one minute
till the lines open.

This is the number for
the Wharf Arts Center.

- How-How's your battery?
- Great.

I got a mighty 23%.

Huh, that's not...
Crap, it's time. Dial. Dial!

Wait, I can't read your writing.
Is that an eight or a boob?

That's an eight, Lin.
Why would it be a boob?

Ju-Just dial.

On your mark. Get set...

Go! Go! Go!

Go! Run. Come on.

See ya later, Tina-gator!

Hmm. I might've started
a little too hot.

It's hard to talk and run.
Stop making me talk, Tina!

Oh, my God. Jimmy Jr.
Is a terrible runner.

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

All right, we just have to
make it to the bushes.

This already feels like
a lot of running.

Just use your thing already,
Rudy.

You mean my booster rocket?

Blastoff.

Hello? Hi. Is anyone there?

No. Just the hold recording
started over.

I know, I keep
thinking a real person

is picking up.

Hi. Welcome to Bob's Burgers.
What-what can I get you?

Yeah, I'll take
a burger of the day.

Oh, wait, hold on. Hello?
Oh, still on hold.

- Uh, what can I get you?
- A burger of the day.

Whoa, whoa, wait, hold on.
Hello? Oh. Still on hold.

Uh, sorry. Wha-What can I...

I'm sorry, is there someone

else who could take
my order, maybe?

Hi. I can help you.
What would you like?

Yeah, I'll have a burger
of...-Wait, hold on.

- Oh, my God.
- Hello? Still on hold.

- What can I get ya?
- You know what? I-I'll come back.

What's the matter?
You're not hungry?

What's that guy's problem?

Just give up now, Tina!

Wow. I actually
feel kind of bad for him.

Maybe I should let him win.

Ah, screw it.
I'm gonna take him.

Ha! You're only in front of me
'cause I let you be.

Okay, I really got to
stop talking.

Guys, we're here.

Once he gets a little further
out of sight,

we'll grab our bikes and ride.

And then we'll grab our
ice cream and licky, licky,

- licky, licky, licky.
- All right,

let's move!

I can already taste the
ice cream, and also my sweat.

I really hope my cat doesn't
run away today.

What is going on with you?

No. No! Guys, wait! Wait!

I can still catch them.

I just have toput my
bike chain back on. Aah!

No, they're getting away!
Stay calm. Stay calm.

Crap, I have to hide my bike.

Uh, maybe he won't notice me.

Gene Belcher!
What are you doing?

I'm just running slowly
by myself.

Nothing suspicious!

You're a little off course.
Come back this way.

Oh, no. We lost Gene.

He's gonna die out there.

Oh, God. Ugh!

I can't believe
I actually have to do this.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee,
give me strength!

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

You can do it!

You just have three-quarters
of a mile left!

Which is a lot,
but don't think about that.

We can't just leave him
out there, we're not animals.

Guys, Tommy just made
the first turn.

Damn it!

We have to keep moving.

If we go back,
nobody gets ice cream.

If we go forward,
we get ice cream.

I say we go forward.
For Gene.

No, how-how is that for Gene?

It's what he
would have wanted, Rudy.

I say we keep going. For Gene.

I also want ice cream. For Gene.

- For Gene!
- For Gene.

I feel like we're not doing it
for Gene,

- but if...
- We're doing it for Gene!

Okay. Fine.

Just because
you're in last place

doesn't mean you're slower
than everyone else.

And now that I've inspired you,

I'm gonna scoot to the
finish line athletically.

No shame in taking
a break to walk, Tina.

Why don't you come up here
and tell me that, Slow Stuff.

I don't... want to.

Hey, hey. Mine's ringing.

Hello? Can you hear me?

I-I think we got
a bad connection.

Teddy, go by the window.
That's the good spot.

- Hello? No, it's worse here.
- Oh, my God, Teddy.

Don't let the call drop.

- Uh, go to higher ground.
- O-Okay.

- Stand on a booth.
- It's a little better.

Wait, no, I-I'm gonna go higher.

Why did you pick a booth
with a customer?

I don't know. Uh, sorry, ma'am.
Keep eating.

Uh, hi. Hi. Can you hear me?
Great. Hi.

What show am I calling about?
What show am I call...?

- Cake, Teddy. It's called Cake!
- Cake.

Sure, I'd be interestedin
hearing about all your shows

in the upcoming
Wharf Arts Center season.

- The-the tickets, Teddy.
- Wow.

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, huh?

How do they get the cat
to do that?

Get the tickets, Teddy.

All right. No,
he just wants to see Cake.

Do you still have
discounted tickets?

You do? That's great.

Okay, so let me get two
of those, please.

Hello? Hello? Hello? Oh, no.

- What happened?
- Eh, my phone just ran out of batteries.

What the heck?
I was at three percent

when I started the call.

Oh, my God, Teddy.

We made it.
We actually made it.

- Today I become a man.
- Every flavor.

There's no line
and they have every flavor.

Whoa, they have vanilla.

Hello... Vanessa.

Uh, I'll have your largest
and free-est scoop

of Ripple Fudge
Caramel Delight, please.

And could you throw in a scoop
of Raspberry Rumble on top?

Also for free.

You get one scoop.
Standard size.

Don't come back.
I'll recognize you.

I'll recognize all of you,
got it?

Yup. Got it.
One scoop, sounds great.

Ah!

Sorry, I didn't see you.

I-I'm just gonna take
a little break real quick.

- No. You can't stop.
- What? Why?

It hurts so bad
if you stop moving.

It's like your bones
turn into nails

and your blood turns into
pain.

Oh, God. And my shoe's untied.

- Don't stop.
- Eh, fine.

Let me get a sip of that...

Mmm, milk.

Had enough yet, Tina?

The back of your head
looks exhausted.

Hey, Jimmy Jr., maybe less
running your mouth

and more running your feet,
huh?

Pick up, pick up, pick up.

- Hello. Hi.
- Did you get through?

Yes. I'm calling for the discounted
tickets for Cake Two.

Oh. Okay. Crap.

I'm sorry, Bobby.
They just sold the last two.

Eh... Oh, well.

There's nothing any of us
could have done.

- You.
- What, me?

- You.
- All right.

Uh, Teddy, it was good
to see you. Time to go, hon.

We had the tickets!
We had them!

Are you saying
this is my fault?!

Yes! Who doesn't charge
their phone, Teddy?!

I did! It only charges to 23%.

Then bring a charger,
you idiot!

Okay, calm down, fellas.
It's just a show.

Middle of the day
and your phone's at 23%?

- Bob... stop.
- What am I supposed to do?

- Replace my phone every ten years?
- Yes!

Do me a favor and don't
tell mehow to live my life!

I'm-I'm-I'm leaving.

- Good! Great!
- Yeah, I'm leaving.

- That's great, leave!
- I'm leaving.

I hope your car isn't out
of batteries.

Yeah, cars don't
have batteries, idiot.

They run on gas. And batteries.

Damn it.

Eat faster, people.

I mean, savor it
but speed it up.

Oh! Pushin' through
the brain freeze.

Licky, licky, licky,
licky, licky.

- Like Gene said. You remember?
- Yeah.

- Licky, licky, licky, licky.
- Man, this just doesn't feel

- that great without him.
- Licky, licky,

- Also, Courtney, stop doing that.
- Licky, licky. Ugh.

I feel mostly fine,

but, ugh, I see your point.
Hang on.

Everybody, stop eating. Stop!

We left Gene behind
but that doesn't mean

we have to leave
his free scoop behind.

She's not gonna give us
another scoop, Louise.

That's right. But we
can give him our scoops.

What are you talking about?

Quick, come put whatever you
haven't eaten into my cone.

We're bringing Gene back
a scoop of our leftovers.

Well, I guess Gene needs it
more than I do. Fine.

That's the spirit. Now
plop it on in here, people.

- Wait, wait, guys.
- What?

Tommy only has
a couple blocks left.

Crap. Let's move.

The faster we go,
the faster we get there.

I'm in no mood
for your elaborate riddles.

I can't believe
you've done this before.

I mean, they make us do it,

but it does feel
really good to finish.

Tommy,
you inspirational bastard.

I'm riding with one hand.
I'm riding with one hand!

Someone's fishing for a compliment.
Good job, Louise.

- Look, I see them.
- Gene!

Gene, we're back.

Look at me. I'm running!

And I think I have a chance

- of finishing this thing!
- We brought you a scoop.

Just stop so we can stash
our bikes and hand it to you.

I can't stop!

Well, I'm gonna
fall off my bike.

I'm riding with one
freakin' hand, just take it!

Fine! Ugh, I really want
to stop and eat this,

but I'm gonna keep running.

- Susan! Susan,
where are you, sweetie? Susan!

Oh, no. Guys, it's my dad.
He has the cat tracker

- on his phone, too.
- What?

Courtney, it's Susan.

I'm desperately seeking Susan.

I followed the tracker here.
W-Wait, why are you on a bike?

Susan's fine, Daddy.
Just go home.

I will not go home.
Susan is close.

Wait, she's moving further away.

Very slowly?

Is she in that boy's backpack?

Gene and Gene's friend,
stop right now.

- He made us stop running.
- Ow!

I can't feel my bones,
but it hurts!

Daddy, what did you do to them?

Nothing, but I'm going to open
this one's pack.

Susan, Daddy's here.

What is going on?
Why-why are you on bikes?

Gene Belcher, where did
you get that ice cream cone?

- Uh...
- Wait, what the heck?

- I need to find Susan.
- Who is Susan?

- My cat!
- Oh, God, no.

Gene, you need to stand upand
stop eating that ice cream.

- I wasn't eating it, and I can't get up.
- Why not?

Because I can't feel my legs
because I was running.

I was actually running.

Someone needs to explain
what's going on here.

Courtney, you need
to speak up right now.

Daddy, Susan is fine.
She's at home.

I just borrowed her collar
for something.

Oh, good. Oh, boy.

So Mr. Wheeler's cat
has been located.

Now would anyone like to explain

just what's going on
with this whole situation?

Tina, I'm sorry, okay?

I should have just run with you.

I-I got too competitive.

Yeah, you were a jerk about it.

Well, if it's not too late,
I-I'd like to...

- Kiss?
- What? No.

Run the rest
of the mile with you.

That sounds nice.
All right, I'm slowing down.

Uh, yeah.
Like I said, I'm sorry.

Wait, are you speeding up?

- No.
- Yeah, you are. Stop it.

- You're speeding up.
- I'm not speeding up.

Are you still trying to beat me?

No! No, you must be slowing
down because you're tired.

Yes!

Ah, dang it!

- You made me do that, Jimmy Jr.
- I'm sorry.

- I don't forgive you.
- I hurt so much.

I got to stretch out
my quads and hammies.

Okay, I forgive you.
I'll stretch you out.

Glutes, too.
Let's start with those.

Since no one will talk,

you will all be
redoing the mile tomorrow.

After I check
with Principal Spoors

to confirm I have
that authority.

Well, guys, we had a good run.

I mean, we didn't actually
run, but you know what I mean.

We almost pulled it off.

We'll do the stupid mile.

I know. You don't have a choice.

I'm telling you you're doing it.

But Gene shouldn't have to.

That guy ran his butt off today.

Wait, where is Gene?

Oh, look. He's doing it.

- Gene! Whoa.
- He's actually doing it.

Got to finish, got to finish.

Gene, get back here!

You'll have to catch me,
Mr. Frond!

Gonna finish! Gonna finish!
Gonna finish!

I did it! I did it!

I just ran a freakin' mile!
Tommy, we did it!

No, Gene, wedid it.

- That's what I said.
- Oh.

Okay, fine, Gene doesn't
have to run tomorrow.

But everyone else does.

Again, if I have the authority
to make you do that.

And now I'm gonna
eat this scoop.

It was not free. I earned this.

Licky, licky, licky,
licky, licky.

Whoa! What flavor is this?

Cheer up, Bobby. Maybe we
can gosee something else

at the Wharf Arts Center.

I-It's okay. I-I'll be fine.

I-I might have gotten
a little worked up, huh?

Uh, I've been sitting
in my truck outside.

Yeah. Well, look,
I just want to say.

I-I'm sorry I got upset at you.

- I-I just really wanted to see...
- No, no, no, no, no.

Eh. Go on, what were you saying?

I was about... I was
in the middle of apologizing,

- but you cut me off.
- No. W-What? You go ahead.

- I-I didn't mean to...
- No, I know I can go ahead...

No, go ahead and you apologize.

So now you're telling me
to go ahead,

- because I was in the...
- No, just go ahead.

- You wanted to say something...
- You can't even

let someone apologize!

Get out, Teddy!
Go back in your truck!

You know what, that's great.
That's great.

That's the way
this day should end.

Wait, Teddy, stop.
I-I'm sorry.

I'm just a little
worked up, still.

Yeah, well, it turns out

- I had a phone charger in my truck.
- That's great.

And I had a voice mail
from the Wharf Arts Center.

You did?

Yeah. They called back
with caller I.D. and they said

they set aside two tickets
to Cake for you.

- What? That's incredible.
- Yep.

They said I just had to call
back in the next five minutes.

- Did-did you call back?
- I wanted to tell you first.

- Teddy, please call back!
- Right. No, yeah.

Right now. Right.
I'll call back.

Hello. Yes, this is Teddy,
the one that you called.

Right. Yes, that's my...
Yep, you called me. Right.

How are you doing? Eh.

Hey, I got to ask,
what is that accent?

Is it Jamaican, or Scottish?

- Teddy.
- Ted-Teddy.

Hey, I should probably
just get those tickets.

So, if I could go...
Hello? Hello?

Hello? Bobby, can I borrow
your phone real quick?

♪ Cake ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Ca-a-a-a-cake! ♪