Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 7 - V for Valentine-detta - full transcript

♪♪

*BOB'S BURGERS*
Season 08 Episode 08

Episode Title:
"V for Valentine-detta"

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

Whoa, Tina,
you all right there, girl?

Should we unplug her
and plug her back in?

Does anyone know if she's
still under warranty?

Not to be insensitive,
but should we drag her

into a soundproof closet
and just get on with our day?

Or let's at least walk ahead of her.

Or maybe we should put her
ahead of us



- so people know we're coming.
- Okay, coming through.

Move. Move!

So, Teddy, you got

any big Valentine's Day
plans tomorrow night?

Oh, yeah. I'm finally gonna
check out that show Law & Order.

I DVR'd 400 episodes.
Gonna try to catch up.

Oh!
A night of romantic murder.

No, don't say anything!
No spoilers.

Well, Bob and I have
big, big, big plans.

We went on Kissin' Koupons,

that site that's like a Groupon site
for couples.

We got each other
fun experiences.

Yeah, I got us a limo ride.

Bob! It was supposed to be
a surprise.



- It was?
- Yes.

And I'm still not telling you
what I got you.

I know how to play.

Some news.
Tina's completely broken.

Says you. I like new Tina.

You know what you're getting.
You know, it's consistent.

Tina? Tina, honey,
what's wrong?

Tina?

O-Okay, we're gonna have
to figure this out later.

Kids, take your sister
upstairs and do... something.

Tina, talk to Mommy.

Tina, if you tell us
what's going on,

- maybe we can help.
- Okay.

Okay, everyone,
I made some calls.

- I found out what happened.
- What is it?

I guess Jimmy Jr. has been
hanging out with Becky Krespe.

- Becky whosit?
- Becky Krespe.

She just got her braces off,
and now she's Miss Thang.

Right. And since tomorrow's
Valentine's Day...

Ugh.

Tina's probably worried

that Jimmy Jr. Won't be
her valentine.

- Aw, honey, is that it?
- Uh... uh-huh...

It's gonna be okay.

There's a lot of other fish
in the sea.

And not little dumb
guppies like Jimmy Jr.

Big, handsome sharks with
big shark muscles. Rrr!

And crabs with abs.

Louise, go pull down
your sister's covers.

Let's get this girl to bed.

It'll all look better in the morning.

- It's only 7:15!
- Do it!

O-Okay. Bob, get her up.

Come on, help me.
Come on. Get her up.

No. - Gene, help your
father, help your father.

Grab the head.

Aw, it's too floppity!

I'm afraid it's gotten worse.

Worse? How is that even possible?

Tina, what's going on?

Use your words, honey.
Look at me.

This morning, Zeke texted
Tammy who texted Jocelyn

who accidentally texted me,
even though she meant to text

her cousin Tina who lives
in Clearwater, Florida,

that Jimmy did ask Becky
to be his valentine,

and she said yes, and they're
going on a date tonight,

and it's Valentine's
Day and my life is over!

Time of death: 9:15 a.m.

Time of breath: powerful!

- Sorry.
- No, I love it!

I miss Tina's bones.
I didn't even know I liked them.

I never got to say good-bye.

The worst thing is,
this whole time,

she's been sitting
on the remote.

Tina? Tina bean-a?

It's me. It's Mommy.

- Hi, Mom.
- It lives!

You remember
how you were gonna babysit tonight

so Dad and I can go
out for Valentine's Day?

Linda, don't say "Valentine's Day."

Uh, s-sorry, sorry.
I-I meant regular February day

that means nothing,
stupid February day.

Uh, I-I don't think we can go

on our amazing
Kissing Koupon

- Valentine's Day.
- Aw!

- Sorry
- Aw.

- Bob, don't say "Valentine's."
- Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

- Oh, God, now I'm saying it.
- Sorry. Sorry.

- Now I said it.
- Sorry. Sorry.

Yes! I finally know what
I want to be when I grow up:

that limo!

Oh... my... God!

- I know what we have to do!
- What?

Me and Louise are gonna
take Tina out in the limo

for a girls' night out
to cheer her up!

- Oh, great idea.
- Yeah, and you and Gene

are gonna do the thing
I bought.

Oh. I... Wait.
Why...

Well, we could just
stay here.

And waste my Kissin' Koupon?

Are you crazy?
It's only for tonight.

- Uh...
- Come on, Bob.

Tina needs this.

Tina needs a girls' night.

A real girls' night.

And we're gonna get in that
limo and give it to her, right?

Yeah! Let's do that thing
where I get in a limo.

- Yeah!
- Okay, fine.

Gene, will you do me the
honor of being my date tonight?

Yes! Just make sure you wait
three days to call me afterwards

so you don't seem too
desperate to be my dad.

Okay, girls,
get your miniskirts on.

The li-mom-sine leaves in five!

Okay, Tina?
Does that sound fun? Right?

I guess.

Girls' night out!
All right!

Hi.
We're your riders for tonight.

Hi. Hello. Uh, I'm your driver.
Call me Nat.

They didn't tell me I was driving

three real-life princesses
for Valentine's Day.

Uh-oh.

Uh, Nat, ix-nay on the
Valentine's Day talk, okay?

Yeah. My sister got dumped
by a jerk,

and her puberty operating
system is crashing.

- Uh-oh. No bueno.
- Yeah, so we're taking

my little lonely heart
for a fun girls' night out,

and we're not gonna talk
about boyfriends or love

or Valen-you-know-what,
okay?

Copy that. Loud and clear, sir.

Wow! This is nice!

Nat, let's get this baby started
and take her up to about 120?

Okay, excuse me, little bunny girl?
Yeah?

You can't stand up in the sunroof
while we're driving.

- Well, what about...
- What about Big,

the film
starring Thomas Hanks?

It's called "movie magic."
You want to know what happens

when real people drive around
hanging out of a sunroof?

- Yeah.
- Decapitation. It happens all the time.

There was a huge uptick in them
right after that film came out,

but you didn't hear
anything about it, I'm sure.

- Right? Right?
- I mean, I... I didn't hear anything.

Yeah, not a word.
Government covered it up.

Oh, my gosh.

Thomas Hanks himself
got paid a bunch of hush money.

- How much?
- Around $12,000.

- That all checks out.
- All right, so where to?

Sad girl, you wanna go run over
this kid who dumped you or what?

- No.
- That sounds like a good plan.

No, we're not running
anyone over.

But you know what always
makes people feel better

after they get their hearts
broken?

- Lizards.
- No!

Throwing a tub of baked
beans at a meter maid.

No! Makeovers.

Pretty sure the right
answer was lizards, Mom.

What do you think, Tina?
Makeovers?

- Sure.
- She loves it!

But we should probably get
a bunch of baked beans just in case.

Uh, what do you think
this is for, little miss?

Ah, I knew I'd
find my real mom someday.

Okay, so your mom wrote,
"Go down to the wharf,

"turn left at the
cheese-on-a-stick booth,

look up and you'll see it."

- Is it that bird?
- Maybe.

Do you think
it's that drunk clown?

I... I wish.

I'd love to push him over.

- Hup! Hup!
- Oh. Oh, no. Oh, God.

Just to warn you, I
ate the perfectly wrong things

for this activity.

Welcome, couples.

Get ready for
the night of your life.

I'm Tim Flanagan, and
this is my brother Jerry.

You may be asking yourselves,
"Can I really do trapeze?"

Well, look at me. I got
30, 40 extra pounds on me.

I got diabetes, major depression,

a weird skin thing on
my foot, you name it.

Point is, if I can
trapeze, you can trapeze.

We'll be learning tonight's routine

on the low trapeze over those mats.

And then moving to the high trapeze,

complete with costumes
and music.

I know what you're thinking:

"Will I really be ready
for all that?"

Well, in 45 minutes,
your answer will probably be, "Sure."

Questions?

- You, mustache.
- Uh, hi. Yes.

I-I'm here with my son,
because, well, it's a long story,

but he's only 11...
Can we still do this?

It's totally okay
if the answer is no.

Oh, trapeze is fun
and safe for all ages.

Except children under ten...
They can't participate.

Yay! I'm swinging with my dad!

Damn, one year off.

Uh, excuse me,

but have you three gorgeous
gals seen my clients?

It's us! Look at Tina!

Isn't she breathtaking?
Aw, look at her.

I'm looking at her,
and I literally cannot breathe.

And with you,

- what was the thought process?
- Nightmares.

Love it. Now, I know
what we ought to do.

We ought to figure out where
this kid is that messed you up.

- What'd you say his name is?
- Jimmy Jr.

Yeah, terrible name. I hate
him because of his name.

We find out where he is,
and then we go down there,

and you say,
"Hey, look at what you're missing,"

and then you throw a drink
or a smoke bomb on him.

- Um...
- Yes!

No, no. Nat, um, I
appreciate your input,

but what we need is some good
old-fashioned cheer-'em-ups.

Let's crank up some girl
power jams

- and limo it out of here!
- You're the boss!

Whoo! Pickles!

- Hey, no sunroof!
- Oh. Sorry. Comin' in.

Whee!

♪ This is a girl power jam ♪

♪ We're all girls, no mans ♪

♪ Girl power, girl plus
power makes girl power! ♪

♪♪

♪ This is a girl power jam ♪

♪ We're all girls, no mans. ♪

♪♪

I'm not giving up yet,
Tina.

Okay.

All right, let's get
some sugar in this booger

and cheer her up.

What do you mean you
don't have anything?

It's Valentine's Day, and you
don't have a reservation, ma'am.

Oh, come on. My little girl
got her heart broken and she...

- Linda. Linda. Linda.
- Oh, uh, wha... where's that...?

Come over. I got us a table.

- Nat?
- Follow my voice. Can you see me?

- Hey, it's Nat!
- Follow my voice!

Follow. Follow. Follow. Follow.

- Nat, how'd you do it?
- I know the owner.

Saved his life... After
I hit him with my car.

Now, should we get the mega-misu
flight or the ultra-mega?

Ah, man, Nat,
you sit next to me, 'Kay?

And I mean forever.

- Oh, God.
- I know, I know, it's a long way down.

But if you fall, this harness
thing'll catch you, no problem.

Nobody's died on this.

Well, except for one
guy, but that was 'cause

someone dropped a sword
out of a hot air balloon.

Totally unrelated. We weren't liable.

- Hi, Dad!
- Hi, Gene.

All right, I'm gonna let you go
now, and you're gonna swing out.

- Hup, hup!
- Hup, hup!

Okay, good job on the swinging.

Eh, it's all right.

Now, get those legs up! Hup, hup!

Oh, my God. So high up.

Beautiful. Now release your arms.

- Hup, hup!
- Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God...

Don't barf, don't barf,
don't barf, don't barf...

We're doing it, Dad!

- We're flying!
- I hate it!

Now grab hands! Hup, hup!

- Great job!
- And... let go! Hup!

Hup! Hup! Hup!

I can't!

Hup, please?

Gene, I think we have to let go.

- No way! You let go! But don't!
- I w... I won't.

Guys, please either
let go and swing back

or release your legs and drop.

We have six other couples
to get through tonight.

Uh, I-I think we're
gonna need a minute!

So, my little Tina-misu, how are
you doing? You feeling better?

I'm full.

- Full of sadness.
- Oh.

I don't want to beat
a dead horse,

but we could get a dead horse.

And we don't put it in the kid's
bed... he'd be expecting that...

We put it in his backpack
under his homework.

He reaches in, all proud
he did his homework,

and bam! Dead horse.

It's the perfect plan.

- Let's get the check.
- All right.

Wow.
You guys just said "dead horse,"

like, five times, and
Tina didn't even react.

This is bad.
I don't get it, honey.

You're always on and off
with Jimmy Jr.

Why is this time so hard?

It's not just that
we're off right now,

or even that
he has another valentine.

It's... it's... He...

I made him a special picture
frame for Valentine's Day

with a picture of us in
it, but then he hung it

in his locker with a
picture of Becky in it!

- He what?!
- He what?!

That son of a bitch!

Well, that's it. I think
it's time we do Nat's plan.

Okay, I'll call my guy.

It's Valentine's Day so he might
be pretty low on dead horses,

but I'll see what he has
in the raccoon family.

No, no, we're not gonna do
anything with dead horses,

or anything violent,
but we are gonna make sure

his date with Becky
doesn't go so great.

Let's do it.

It's time for little JJ
to pay pay.

Hear, hear!
Now, who has ghillie suits,

and who needs ghillie suits?

All right, first things first.

We need to find out where
this little Rom-ee-no is at.

Right, right.- And once we
do, and this is just a pitch...

We can all pitch stuff if we want...

What if we hit 'em
with one of these guys?

- What is that?
- A stink bomb.

I got a whole glove
compartment full of 'em.

I throw 'em at white guys,
pigeons,

people I've dated etcetera.

Now, Tina, did you ever put
a tracking device on Jimmy?

Sew it into the back of his neck
while he was unconscious, or...?

Uh, um, no.

- Tina! Ugh!
- I'm sorry.

Damn it! That's okay.
That's okay!

- Sorry.
- And you have no idea

where he might be taking
Becky tonight?

I don't know. I don't know!

Ooh, ooh,
what about this Becky girl?

Could she be a spy?
Maybe some sort of a Cylon?

Where would she want
to eat dinner?

- Leave that to me. Nat, phone.
- You got it, boss.

Tina, dial Tammy.

Hey, Tammy, it's Louise Belcher.

- I need Becky Krespe's number.
- What for?

To do something mean.

That's hilarious!
Okay, it's 201...

Hi. Has Becky left for her
date yet?

She hasn't? Okay, great.

No, I don't want to talk
to her. She hates me. Bye!

Okay, she hasn't left yet,

so if we book it over
there, we can follow.

Tina, do you know where she lives?

712 Forest Lane, blue house with
a little flamingo on the lawn.

- Wow. Stalk much?
- Yes. Like, a lot.

Good girl. Let's roll.

Oh, you know what?

I think it's maybe faster to
just get out and go around.

Nope. I pushed in more
and I'm stuck.

Little help here, gals?

Oh, no, no, no, no!

Okay, yeah, that helps.

My bra unhooked.

Oh, I landed on my hand grenade.

- Hand grenade?
- No one freak out.

The guy who sold it to me said
it was inactive. Let's see.

Yup, we're good.

Gene, we can't
stay up here forever.

Maybe we could.

I could still have a
very fulfilling life.

Okay, look,
on the count of three,

we both let go with our hands.

I don't think I can.

What if instead
we let go with our legs?

No! Not our legs!

Guys, you got to let go!

We know, Jerry!
Just let me talk to my son!

We thought you were
doing that.

What have you been doing?

We've been busy!

Gene,
we have harnesses on,

so we'll fall down,
but very gently.

Okay, okay, let's do it.

All right, on the count of three.

- Hundred.
- Gene, you have to trust me, okay?

Look at my face.
I am your dad.

I will not let anything
bad happen to you.

- We are going to be fine.
- Okay. I trust you, Dad.

You guys have a very
beautiful relationship.

Now, hup!

Ready? One... two... three.

- You didn't let go!
- I know!

Are you kidding me?

Come on!

I panicked! I couldn't do it!

It's the Pestos. Get down!

There he is, Little Jimmy Jerk-o.

Look at him walking around
with his evil stupid legs.

Nat, follow that car.

You got it, T.

- Aah! You're gonna hit 'em!
- Sorry, sorry.

I got excited.

Ugh. They're having
heart-shaped enchiladas?

It's worse than I thought.

All right, all right,
I'm gonna pull around back.

We'll Goodfellas it
through the kitchen,

and then boom! Date over.

You think they'll let us in the back?

Oh, yeah. One of the
busboys is my sensei.

All right, this is a bad angle.

On my signal, we're
gonna casually stroll over

to the ladies' room and regroup.

- Okay, what's the signal?
- "Woof meow. Woof meow."

Of course. That makes sense.

Woof meow! Woof meow!

Thanks for coming out with me, Becky.

You look... you look really
great with your braces off.

Thanks, Jimmy. It's really
exciting to eat caramels again.

And I can finally understand
what you're saying. - What?

Okay, we're go for phase two.

Tina, you know what you're doing?

Yup. I sneak up as close
as I can get to that table

and drop these eight stink bombs.

Uh, maybe we only need,
like, three stink bombs.

Better give me the other ones.

Okay, I drop these three stink bombs,

smell up the joint and
slip out the back door.

Righty-tighty, Tina.

We'll be right behind you,
and we'll meet you out back.

Hands in, everyone.
Girl power on 16.

One, two, three, four, five, six...

- Okay, okay. 16!
- Let her finish, Mom!

- Let her finish!
- Girl... girl power. -Seven.

- Eight. - Okay.
- Keep going, Nat.

- Keep going. - Nine, ten...
- Okay, okay. Six...

- Ten.
- Let her finish!

- Okay!
- Keep going, Nat. -16.

Girl power!

This is the most fun I've ever had.

Okay, here goes nothing.

I can't do it.

What? Huh? Oh.

Tina?

- Tina Belcher?
- Oh, hey, Jimmy Jr., Becky.

Am I on fire? No? Cool.

What brings you guys here
this evening?

Tina, what are you doing
here? Did you follow us?

What? No. I-I don't even know who
that limo around back belongs to.

Anyway, how's the enchilada?

Does it taste like, um, uh... a heart?

- Tina, are you okay?
- Yeah, what's going on?

Fine. You caught me.
I-I followed you here.

- Oh, no.
- I got to get out there and save her.

Wait, wait. I think she's
got this, maybe. Let her try.

Becky, the truth is, I-I came here

to stink-bomb the
restaurant and ruin your date

because I was really sad
and jealous that you got

to go out with Jimmy Jr. on
Valentine's Day instead of me.

And that Jimmy Jr. Put your picture

in the frame I made for him.

- Wait. What?
- Yeah, it's a good-size frame.

The picture fit really well.

But the fact is I...
I don't want to be this person.

And, Becky, you seem really nice.

And all you did was get your braces off,

probably because your
orthodontist said it was time.

- It was.
- And you accepted an invitation

to this really, really nice restaurant

with this Wagstaff bad boy,
which anyone would have done.

You didn't do anything
to hurt me on purpose,

and I won't do anything to hurt you.

You don't deserve to
have your date ruined.

Thanks, Tina. You seem nice, too.

Also, you have some
guacamole on your boob.

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

- No. Other boob.
- Oh. Oh, uh, okay.

No. Other boob.

Oh. What, this one?

- It's under... it's underneath.
- Could you give me a chip?

I'll-I'll let you guys
get back to your date now.

Well, actually, Becky, um,
this isn't really working out.

- What?
- What?

Yeah, I-I was gonna wait

until we got our
heart-shaped flaming flan,

but I think we should break up.

There just isn't anything... here.

- Are you joking?
- Probably not.

He does this stuff, like, a lot.

I mean, I-I will, if you
insist, I will hang for the flan.

Oh.

Wow.

Oh, my God, did he just break up
with Becky, too? That little...

- Valen
- twerp!

Time for a stink bomb from a hot mom!

Wait, uh, wait! Give me one, woman.

Tina, woof meow! Woof meow!

Oh, no! Becky, come with me!

No, this isn't gonna work.

We're the same size. Let's run.

Wait, Tina, come back.

I-I'll date you instead,
uh, um, if you want.

Ew!

I'll smell you in hell.

Uh, wait. Wait. Who... who are you?

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Guys, it's been over an hour!

I'm worried about your bodies!

Gene, I'm sorry. I-I...

Oh, I can't get my legs off this thing.

Do-do you just want me to drop you?

No! We do this together
or we don't do it at all!

Okay. Just... just going to
go against all my instincts

and plummet to the ground
while holding my child.

Bob, I'm gonna count to three,

and if you don't release your legs,

I'm gonna charge you for a
second trapeze experience.

- The full price.
- We'll pay double!

- Gene, no!
- One, two...

- Full price, Bob!
- No, no, no! No, I'm...

Okay, I'm doing it! I'm doing it!

Why am I doing it this way?

Aw, it hurts so much!

Dad, release your Krakens!

I'm trying, Gene!

That was amazing!

And they let us keep our
unitards.

There's an important lesson
in there

about peeing in stuff you
want to keep.

I feel so alive!

Me, too. I feel like
I could do anything.

Should we just go home
and watch TV?

- Yes.
- I love you, Dad.

I love you, too, pal.

Becky,

I'm sorry I ruined
your date with Jimmy Jr.

You didn't. He did.
Should've been a red flag

when he picked me up three hours
late and he called me Betsy.

You know, Valentine's
Day is way more fun

when you spend it with
people you really love,

like your mom and your
sister and your limo driver.

And a girl from your school
you don't know that well.

Boys come and go, but your girls
will always be there for you.

That's right. Yes, they will, sister.

I mean, you know, sometimes
women are awful to other women,

but not us, and not
tonight, baby! Not tonight!

- We doin' this, ladies?
- Let's do it!

Okay, I want you to repeat
after me,

and I'm taping it on my phone.
Ready?

- I...
- I...

Will not sue you if I get decapitated.

Will not sue you
if I get decapitated.

- Let's eat some bugs!
- Yeah.

Suck on this, Thomas Hanks!

- Who's big now, baby?
- Oh, my face!

♪ This is a girl power jam ♪

♪ We're all girls, no mans ♪

♪ Going to salons and getting glam ♪

♪ Dancing in a fountain
and getting wet ♪

♪ Bothering some
fish with no regrets ♪

♪ Eating up some treats
with our mom and friends ♪

♪ Hoping that this
night never ends ♪

♪ This is a girl power jam ♪

♪ We're all girls, no mans ♪

♪ Girl power on 16! ♪

♪ One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, ten ♪

- ♪ 11, 12... ♪
- ♪ Let her finish ♪

- ♪ Let her finish ♪
- ♪ 13, 14, 15, 16 ♪

♪ Girl power! ♪

♪ We're all girls, no mans! ♪

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.