Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 10 - The Secret Ceramics Room of Secrets - full transcript

*BOB's BURGERS*
Season 08 Episode 10

Episode Title :
"The Secret Ceremics Room of Secrets "

So, Grandma's birthday is coming up.

Boom. Another one on the
scorecard for Gram Gram.

She's still alive and
probably shouldn't drive.

But you know those
handmade gifts

you make for your grandma
every year?

Know 'em?
I half-ass 'em.

Yes, and she notices.

I didn't half-ass it.
I made Grandma

a pretty great necklace last year.



One noodle on a string
does not a necklace make.

Listen, Grandma could die
this year.

I mean, we don't know.

- Bob.
- I'm not saying she's going to.

- Yeah, it's exactly what you said.
- God forbid.

If she did die,
it would be horrible.

O-Obviously.
And you kids wouldn't want

the last thing she saw
to be your crappy gifts.

Point is, no half-assing it this year.

Wait, did she like what
I got her last year?

- What was it again?
- A shell.

- A shell?
- Yeah, a shell, uh, and...

You know what, never
mind. I can beat it.

And my dad's birthday's
coming up, too, you know.



Handmade gifts
for multiple grandparents.

Huh, wow. I guess we'll
just take a sabbatical

from the slop shop to get all that done.

Just make the gifts.
It's part of being a kid.

The worst part of being a kid.

Besides being scared
the drain in the bathtub

will eat your penis.

Aw, poor Genie's weenie.

It's forced labor.

It's like when they
make elephants paint.

Ugh, I wish I could paint
like those elephants.

Check out this burnt Tater Tot, J-Ju.

- Wow.
- I like it cooked,

not cooked in a kiln.

I mean, come on.

- What's a kiln?
- What's a kiln?

You never been to Color Me
Mine?

That's where
I colored you yours.

Wait, the kiln,
of course.

The Legend of
the Lost Ceramics Room.

The Legend of
the Lost Ceramics Room?

I'm not familiar with that one.

- Really?
- Seriously?

How do you not know
about that?

Everyone knows
about that.

I... Well, I don't, okay?

Do you not talk to people
on the playground, or...

- Can you just tell me, please?
- Okay.

According to the legend
that Wagstaff kids

have told each other
for decades...

- Every kid but you, apparently.
- Yeah, I get it.

It all happened
forever ago,

in, like, the '80s.

Back when Huey and Carl
Lewis ruled the world.

Wagstaff had
a ceramics class then.

Kids were making stuff with
clay all day, every day.

But then, over one weekend,

there was a kiln fire.

Sprinklers put it out,

but it was a huge smoky mess.

Like Winston Churchill.

On Monday,
there was supposed to be

some big school board
inspection or something,

so instead of cleaning the
place up,

what does the principal do?
He panics.

He and the janitor and
the janitor's brother

slap a wall where the door
used to be.

- Wall slap.
- One day,

the ceramics room is there,

the next day,
it's not.

All the pinch pots,
all the vases,

all the cool Papa Smurf
sculptures... sealed inside.

- You think that really happened?
- What if it did?

What if we could find it?
We wouldn't have to make any gifts,

because some kids in the '80s
already made 'em for us.

- I don't know.
- All we got to do

is figure out
where this lost room is,

knock a hole in the
wall... We're in, we're out.

Bing, bang, boom.

Seems like a lot of work
to avoid making some gifts.

Plus, how do you even look
for a lost ceramics room?

Ugh, I think we're gonna
have to talk to grown-ups.

More like groan-ups.

An art program at Wagstaff?
That's hilarious.

It rings a bell.

That was unrelated.

That legend's not true.

And I was a student at
Wagstaff around that time,

so I would know.
A pretty cool student, too.

Ever hear of the seventh
grade class secretary?

'Cause
I was elected that.

Hidden room?
The only thing hidden

in this school is my
personal toilet paper.

Ah, I've said too much!

Hey. Uh, you wouldn't mind if
I worked on a little side project

while I'm eating,
would you?

- Yeah, sure, it's okay, yeah.
- Uh, maybe not.

Great. Uh, plug this
guy in for me, will you?

The only outlet is
by the coffee maker.

- It's kind of inconvenient.
- Perfect. Plug her in.

- Mm-hmm.
- I got it.

What's your side business, Teddy?

Oh, I'm replacing cracked
cell phone screens.

Been doing it
a couple of months now.

It's fun,
but it's kind of lonely

at my house, alone.

I bet. -Uh-huh.
You're really spreading out there.

Oh, yeah, you gotta,
when you're working with this many

bits and pieces, you know,
you got to spread it out.

I mean, but it's, like,
three seats, Teddy,

- plus the light.
- It's fine, it's fine.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oops, ah.

I dropped a little
screw behind the counter.

You mind grabbing that for me,
Bobby?

You want to borrow
my visor?

- Not really.
- You see it?

No, I just see floor right now.

Yeah, you should really
use my visor.

I-I don't want to, Teddy.

- Ooh, is that it?
- No, that's dirt.

- Is that it?
- No, that's...

- Oh, my God, what is that?
- Oh. Oh, gross.

Okay, I think I got it.
Here you go.

Thanks. Heh-heh. Whoa,
I dropped it again.

- Bob, you mind?
- Mm-hmm.

- It's a screw. It's little.
- Mm-hmm.

I know, I just got it.

Is it true? I don't know.

If it's a weird, creepy
legend, then it's probably true.

You should go look for it.

What else
are you doing with your time?

- But how?
- You need to find someone

that took ceramics then.

How do we do that?

Well, how the hell
would I know?!

Whoa, whoa, can I see your
coffee mug for a second?

It's not coffee, but I guess
a sip wouldn't kill you.

Who's Rose Reynolds?

Beats me. It's a mug
from the faculty lounge.

You think
I buy my own mugs?

It looks like old Rose
Reynolds made this mug in '83.

She might remember something.

- 1983, though, right?
- Yes, Tina.

Cool, cool. I thought maybe 1883,

but... that's ridiculous.
Too long ago.

Yes, that's pretty
much how I remember it.

There was a ceramics room
on Friday,

then on Monday, it was
gone... Just walled up.

Now, Rose, at the time,

had Taco Tuesday been
invented yet?

I want to say it had.

Thank you.
No further questions.

Wow. Okay, so they
sealed all the ceramics

and pottery in the room?

Yeah. I know for sure
I made a couple Monchhichi mugs

I never got back.

So it's true.
The legend's all true.

Now, can you remember
where the room was?

Hmm, I think it was
on the second floor...

No, the first. The third. Maybe.

So first, second, or
third floor. Got it.

I might have an old
yearbook, if that'll help.

I think we're done here.

Geez, we were leaving anyway.

No, I mean
we are done here.

- Hi.
- Thank you, sweetie.

You were so still in there.

That's where kids come from?

No, that's where kids end
up, if they're my kids.

We make piñatas of ourselves.

It's fun. Do your parents
not do this to you?

- Um, no.
- Uh, can we get that yearbook?

I feel like we were
lucky to get out of there

without getting kid-yata'd.

Hey, look, Frond was
seventh grade secretary.

- More like sexy-tary.
- Hold on, these kids are walking

- out of this room carrying pottery.
- Okay.

If we can figure out where this was,

we'll find the lost ceramics room.

- And maybe ourselves.
- Guys,

Rose didn't just give us an old yearbook

with so many pictures of skinny ties.

She gave us a treasure map.

Maybe this is the hallway.

Mm, not so sure.

That picture's
in black and white,

and our school is in color.

Even if we find the ceramics
room and it's full of ceramics,

wouldn't we be giving our
grandparents

handmade gifts
that we didn't hand-make?

Tina, Tina, Tina, do you love
Grandma and Grandpa or not?

- Yeah.
- I love them,

but I'm not in love with them.

Hmm, this doesn't line up.

Let's try
the hallways upstairs.

Oh, there's a stairwell there.
Nope.

Hmm, not a match, right?

Call the whole thing
off? Good idea. I agree.

Wait a minute. This lines up.

There used to be a door
where those lockers are.

They must have put in lockers
over the wall at some point.

We found it.

Okay, we can't cut
through those lockers,

but we can cut through...
there.

That's where we dig.

Where's where you dig?
What are you digging?

We're digging school
in general, Mr. Frond.

We're digging all of it.

The whole vibe.
And you... you're great.

- Big fan.
- All right, then.

Well, better get back
to guidancing, you.

The world needs that
stuff more than ever.

It really does.

- It really does, Mr. Frond.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

- My goodness.
- Phew, that was a close one.

Was it just me, or did he
hardly have any cat hair

on his sweater today?

Oh, it's all on his back.

We're so close, guys.

At lunch, no one will
be in that classroom.

That's when
we crack through the wall,

into the ceramics room.

Eh, lunchtime is no good
for me; I eat lunch then.

- Gene.
- Okay, okay. I'll make it work.

- Psst. Bobby.
- Yeah.

- Bob.
- I'm right here. I can see you.

Look at all these customers,
huh?

For me and for you.

- Right? Huh?
- Uh, yeah.

I mean, it's two customers,
but it's-it's good for business.

Well, I'm gonna get back to cooking.

Yeah. I'm gonna get back
to my business, too.

- Okay. Great.
- Right?

You're working,
I'm working, right?

Yeah,
in the same place.

We could probably split
a business card.

You got to order, like,
300 of 'em...

- I got to get back to work, Teddy.
- At a time. Okay.

- So do you.
- Oh, I'll see you around.

Just saying, the cafeteria

is wildly
unprepared for a to-go order.

- It's embarrassing.
- Okay, that's the spot.

Here, chisel away.

A stapler and a pen?

- Short notice, okay?
- Why do I have to do it?

You're the strongest;
you've got puberty strength.

Guys, there's no way this
is even going to work.

- It's working.
- Oh, my God, these walls are crap.

Okay. I think we have a peephole.

Peephole, peephole, please!

All right.
Let's see some treasure.

No, no, no, no.
A broom closet?!

Hold on.

How's your day going?

It's okay.
It's a lot of this.

Boy, do you guys look stupid
for digging through that wall.

- Hi. Welcome to Bob's Burg...
- Welcome to Teddy's iScreen,

You Screen,
We All Screen for I-Screen Repair.

- Teddy, what are you doing?
- What? We don't know

if the guy is here for
your business or mine.

- I'm here for a quick burger.
- Got it.

And how's your cell phone
screen? Is it cracked?

- D-Does it have only...
- Uh, uh, take a seat anywhere. Sorry.

- Teddy, please.
- Right, right, sorry.

I'm gonna go ahead and
get back to work, Bobby.

Um, wh-wh-what is that?

It's a little background music.

Helps me focus when I'm
working on the detailed stuff.

- I-Is it okay?
- Uh, n-n... uh, no.

Of course it's okay.
It's fine. It's-it's jazzy.

Yeah, I-it's jazz. Jazzy jazz.

It doesn't even have any words.

- All right, fine.
- I appreciate it, Bob.

Now I can get back in the zone.

Teddy.

Teddy. Teddy.

- Teddy.
- What? What?

- It doesn't have
- What?

No words
if you're singing words.

- I was singing?
- Yes, you were.

- Oh.
- It was nice.

Sorry about that. I d... I
didn't realize I was doing that.

Oh. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Sorry.

That was me again.

Oh, my God.

So I guess the legend is just

a stupid legend after all.

And we're gonna have to
make gifts with our own hands

like a bunch of not-lazy children.

I like these old yearbook pictures.

Everyone's hair had so much body.

And everyone's bodies
had so much hair.

That's weird.
If you look really close

at the picture of
the ceramics room,

the exit sign in the
background is backwards.

Cool. I like it when an
exit sign isn't too obvious.

Let me see that.

Holy crap.

The exit sign isn't backwards,
the picture is flopped.

The kid wasn't leaving
from there with pottery.

He was leaving from there.

Whoa. That changes things.

So we'd need
to go through either

- the science room...
- Which has clubs every lunch.

- Or math.
- Which has tutoring every lunch.

- It's full of toots.
- Or...

we dig through the lockers.

You want to dig through
steel lockers?

Destroy school property?

Definitely don't do that.

Do that. Do that.

Good afternoon, Theodore.

Mr. B, Mrs. B.

Hey, how are your gifts
for your grandparents going?

Great.
We are plugging away.

Yeah?
You've been working on 'em?

'Cause I don't remember
seeing you working on them.

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, a lot.
- Too much, maybe.

Speaking of which,
uh, Teddy,

we have a quick handyman
question for you.

- Got a sec?
- Shoot.

How would one go about
cutting through a steel locker

and the drywall behind it?

What do you need to do
all that for?

We dropped a penny
back there.

Sure, I could loan you
some stuff.

Well, first thing I'd do is drill

three or four holes about
a 16th of an inch apart

with this guy here.

- Hold onto that.
- He's heavy.

You're perforating
the metal with that.

And then I would use a screwdriver

- to pry open a larger hole.
- Wh-Why don't I hold that one? And he...

- and we'll give this one to Tina.
- Then, Gene,

you hold the, Ba-Ba-da-da..
Tin snips.

- Tin snips.
- Like cutting paper,

but about a million times harder.

Peel back the metal,
then use this keyhole saw

to get through the drywall,

and before you know it,
you've got your penny back.

- Good luck, kids.
- Teddy,

you're the dangerous
uncle we've always wanted.

We appreciate you temporarily

switching lockers,
Pocket-Sized Rudy.

Sure thing, guys.

It's a top locker, s... um,

so it might be a tough reach.

- Um...
- You'll do great, kid.

All right. It's gonna get real
loud real quick in here.

- Tell Gene to start.
- Yep. All right, Gene, hit it.

Okey doke. Welcome to the gong show.

Anywhere from 15 to 45 minutes
of me hitting this gong.

I wish I would've brought
my gong so we could jam.

The one day I don't bring it.

Second verse, same as the first.

One hole down. Lots to go.

Also, power tools are the
best things in the world.

We could have already made
so many gifts, just saying.

Can't hear you!

Oh, a-are you in there, Lin?

No, it's me. Teddy.

Teddy? Thi-This is
the employee bathroom.

Yeah, I know. -
You're-you're not an employee.

Right. I was gonna
use the customer bathroom,

but then I thought, eh,

I got to keep that
open for our customers.

Uh-huh. But now I can't
use my own bathroom.

Yeah, right. Well, here we are.

- Yep.
- I'll be quick.

- Don't worry about it, Bobby.
- That'd be great.

Oh, my God.

- Hey, Bobby?
- Yeah?

Is there a plunger in
here I'm not seeing?

- Teddy, I don't like that question.
- Uh...

Okay, what are you
doing in there, Teddy?

- I'm finishing up, I'm finishing up.
- Uh...

- Okay, just get out now.
- There's water everywhere!

Oh, God, there's water everywhere.

Unlock the door, Teddy!

Ah, it's locked!
How do you open this thing, Bobby?

I'm gonna break it down!

- No, don't break the door, Teddy!
- I'm gonna...

- I got water all over my shoes!
- Just unlock it, and I'll open it!

I'm getting water all over my...

How's it going in there, T?

This metal knows we are
wrong to seek the treasure.

- Okay, cramping up. Switch.
- All right, I'll take a shift.

Hey, this isn't so tough...
Yes, it is!

- I'm cramping up already. Switch.
- Give me those.

Ha-ha!

I did one snip.

Of so many snips.

Admit it, Louise,
making a pot holder

sounds pretty good
right now, doesn't it?

No.
This is worth it.

This is totally easy.

Come on, tiny muscles.

Okay, switch.

- Oh, boy.
- What happened, Teddy?

That, uh,
screw flew out like a shot.

It could be anywhere.

Oh, God. Sir, don't swallow.

- Spit that out, please.
- Huh?

You might be chewing on a screw.

Uh, y-you're probably
not chewing on a screw,

but-but, yeah, go ahead
and spit it out, hon.

- Uh-huh.
- Okay, this magnet says

there's nothing in this bite.

I'm just gonna run it
over your plate real quick.

- Just real quick.
- Uh, um...

You just
enjoy your meal.

Not touching your food,
not touching your food.

Okay, it made a little
contact right there,

but I'm not gonna do it
again, just a little bit.

- Let me check the fries.
- She's checking the fries.

- Checking the fries.
- Wha-What's happening now?

- I hate...
- It's all under control, Bob.

I was just looking for a missing screw.

If you could just lift
your legs for a second.

Continue to enjoy your meal
while you lift your legs.

Sorry about what's happening.
I...

These are very nice
shoes you got, you know?

Do they come in a 13 on the
left and 11 on the right?

You know what? I'm just
gonna go back to the kitchen.

Okay.

I think we're all happy to be past

the sheet metal phase.

- Are we in a union now?
- Guys.

Only a pathetic little
wall stands between us

and all the ceramics we could
ever want to say we made.

Which is wrong.

Our grandparents might never
know we didn't make their gifts,

but we will. A lie is not a gift.

Okay, your conscience
needs to take a breather.

Also your breath needs
to have a conscience.

I'm going to start sawing
through this drywall.

You guys find a way
to ditch the dust

without making anyone
suspicious.

Man, all this dandruff
is so embarrassing.

What's all this cocaine
doing at school?

Throw it away.

Does anybody have any
water for this baby formula?

No? Okay, I'll throw it out.

What's your deal, Tina?

Worry about your own
damn deal, Jimmy Jr.

How are we doing in here?

Yes. Tina, flashlight.

The legend. It's real.

I wouldn't say completely worth
the absurd amount of effort.

But, yeah.

Okay, back to sawing.

We're so close.

We are so...

Busted.

Are those power tools?

Oh, good Lord,
you are double busted.

But not triple busted. Phew.

This is very unlike you, Belchers.

Simple pranks, lackadaisical
schoolwork, sure.

But demolishing school
property on purpose?

With power tools?
Power tools?

We're gonna need those
back, by the way. I mean,

we don't know
what you're talking about?

That poor locker.

All right, well, I need
to contact your parents.

In the meantime,
you are to sit and think

about what you've done.

We're gonna get expelled.

How do they do that?

Out of a cannon or something?

Wait, he took our flashlight.

That seems like a weird
punishment. But fair.

Hey, he... wait, he took our saw.
But not the drill?

And why isn't he calling
Mom and Dad in front of us?

He loves doing that.

Oh, my God. Come on.

Look.

It's been sawed more.

Mr. Frond?

You're supposed to be in my office.

G-Go away, children.

Where is it? Where is it?

- There it is.
- What are you doing?

I don't want to talk about it,
okay?

It's personal.

Don't touch that!

"Seventh grade secretary."

Dave Titus, check.

Phillip Frond, no check.

Here's another, here's another.
They're all the same.

What the "H" is going on here?

- Yeah, Frond, talk.
- Fine.

When I was in seventh
grade here at Wagstaff,

I ran for class secretary
against Dave Titus.

And because I was
popularity-challenged,

- I was expected to lose.
- _

They were counting the
votes in the ceramics room.

The teacher got up to go to the
bathroom right when I happened

to be pacing in the hallway.
I don't know what came over me,

but I grabbed a bunch of votes for Dave,

and stuffed them in a vase.

- Whoa.
- You cheated?

I was gonna hide the
vase or-or confess, maybe.

But-but that weekend was
the fire.

And they walled the room up.

Then, just like that,
my greatest mistake

and my darkest secret
was sealed up.

Welcome to my nightmare.

I beg you, do not tell anyone

about the unthinkable thing
I did.

How about we don't get
in any trouble at all,

and in return, we promise
not to tell anyone.

- Deal?
- Fine. Done.

And we each get to take a
couple things off the shelf.

- Whatever.
- It would ruin me if this got out.

I mean, who would listen to a
guidance counselor that did this?

No one, that's who.

Mr. Frond, I-I think
you've been holding

onto this secret
when you don't have to.

This may sound crazy,
but kids might listen to you more

if they knew that you made a big mistake
when you were their age.

You know what, Tina?
You're right.

That does sound crazy.

Nobody wants a relatable guidance
counselor. Kids think I'm perfect.

That's why they listen to me.

Wait. Why did you break in here?

For the pottery.
So we wouldn't have to make

presents for our grandparents.

- Ugh, really?
- Really.

Then let's just take
our horrible secrets,

push them down deep
inside where they belong,

and go our separate ways,
shall we?

Sounds great. Ooh.

That one has a certain
Gene Ne sais quoi.

No. Damn it. Tina's right.

No, I think we covered this.

Tina's wrong.

I don't want this kind
of regret, you know?

I don't want to turn out like him.

- No, you don't.
- You know?

- Like, look at you.
- Yeah.

Ugh. I don't want to
play these off as my own.

Not to my grandparents who
might semi-treasure them.

A lie is a crappy gift.

That's great, Louise. See,
Mr. Frond?

Louise learned from your mistake,

so she wouldn't have to
make that mistake herself.

What are you even talking about?

Where do you get this stuff from?

So what are we gonna do now?

Learn origami real quick?

I might have an idea.

It smells like smoky mold,

but it kind of works.

You're making me so hungry for cheese.

What do you think of my pinch pot?

It's, um, well,
you made it.

I'm loving my mug. Uh...

I'm loving my short vase.

Teddy, listen.

I-I don't want you to take
this the wrong way, but...

- Bob, we got to talk.
- Okay.

It's just not working out,
you know? It's... it's you.

Because you're a good
guy,

- you know? Uh-huh.
- You're just...

you're tough
to share a workspace with.

- You know what I mean?
- Yeah, I get it. No, no. I...

- Yeah, we're both perfectionists.
- Yeah.

Me more than you, but yes.

Everything you're saying
makes sense.

Not to mention
you're always talking.

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm trying to work,

- and you're talking. Bup, bup, bup, bup.
- Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- All-all-all good points.
- So I'm just gonna

do this phone stuff
from home.

Unless you want to leave.
Work at a different restaurant?

No, I'll-I'll probably
stick here with this one.

Yeah, your stuff's already here
anyway, right?

- Eh...
- -Right, right. Seems more reasonable.

Okay, Ma, got to go.

Mwah, mwah, mwah.
Good luck with your glaucoma exam.

Don't cheat. Oh, you hung up.

The grandparents loved
your handmade presents.

- Nice job, kids.
- Hey, Mom,

how come you're not wearing
the necklace we made you?

- Oh, am I not wearing it?
- Nope.

It's hard to tell if it's on.

- Put it on, woman.
- Okay.

All right.

- Little heavy?
- Maybe a little. It's just a little...

Hey, Dad,
where's the gift we made you?

You mean
this wet clump of clay?

We didn't know what you wanted.
Dads are so hard to shop for.

Think of it as the gift
card of handmade gifts.

- Thanks?
- Aw, don't mention it.

♪ Makin' it by hand
for Gram and Gramps ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Makin' it by hand
for Gram and Gramps ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It's the thought that counts ♪

- ♪ Don't look too close ♪
- ♪ Oh ♪

♪ Makin' it by hand
for Gram and Gramps ♪

♪ Makin' it by hand
for Gram and Gramps ♪

♪ M-M-M-M-M-M-Makin' it by
hand for Gram and Gramps ♪

♪ I said we're makin' it by
hand for Gram and Gramps. ♪