Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 7, Episode 19 - Thelma & Louise Except Thelma Is Linda - full transcript

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

Did you get it? Linda, did you get it?

- Ha, I got it!
- Yes!

What are you, uh... what
are you guys talking about?

The bake sale! The
Wagstaff School Bake Sale.

- What am I talking about.
- Oh, right.

You-you know about that?

Yeah. Linda told me about it.

She ran it three years ago,
and Colleen Caviello tanked it

to make Linda look bad.

Yeah. She went behind
my back and told everyone



to bring banana bread.

- So we had nothing but banana bread.
- BOB; Oh, right.

- I looked like an idiot.
- Y-You did.

And ever since then,
Colleen's taken it over

and run that bake sale like
it's her own exclusive club.

But now it's Linda's turn again!

Yeah. Mr. Frond called last night.

I'm gonna show Mean Colleen
Cavi-smello how it's done.

So, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Back up. You knew last night?

- Yeah.
- And you didn't call me?

- Um...
- That's fine.

I was up thinking about
it, but that's fine.

Oh. Yeah.



Bob's Burgers. This is Linda.

Mr. Frond! You must be
calling about the bake sale!

I was thinking we could do a theme,

like Masquerade or Vegas, Baby!

Oh, no! Okay. One of
us will be right there.

Louise is in big trouble,

and one of us has to
go down to the office.

Oh. Okay. You?

Yeah, me. I just got the bake sale.

I am not gonna lose it because
one of our kids is a delinquent.

Right.

You've worked too hard,
Linda! You've come too far.

- Do not lose this!
- Okay, okay. I'm not.

Don't lose it!

- I'm not!
- Where's your keys?

You have everything?
Where's your purse?

Oh, my keys, my keys.

Oh, my God. My-my purse.
Ugh. Okay.

Wait, wait, wait! Let me
fix your hair. Hold on.

I got to go! I got to go!

Okay, okay. Go!

Are you familiar with

in-school suspension, Linda?

Uh, is it like you're suspended

- but you stay at school?
- Mm, not exactly.

It's... Yes, that's basically it.

We've found that regular
suspension was like a day off

for the children, whereas
in-school suspension

is more punitive and educational.

They sit alone in a
room, supervised by me,

and write an essay on
what they did wrong.

What did Louise do wrong?

She pulled down a boy's pants,

exposing his underpants.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I only did it because

Timmy and Scott O'Brien took
Pocket Sized Rudy's lunch

and wouldn't give it back.

He's so little. He needs to eat.

- And no one else was helping.
- Oh.

Knowing the O'Brien brothers,
that's probably true, Louise,

- but...
- Thank you!

Am I a hero? I don't know.

But Wagstaff has a zero
tolerance pantsing policy.

We're part of a national program

called No Pants Pulled Off Behinds.

Your actions were not appropriate.

Well, sounds like she was
trying to help another kid.

Yes! I was!

Linda, zero tolerance
means zero tolerance.

Not some tolerance. Are
we not on the same page?

Oh! Uh, no, same page. Absolutely.

We're gonna be working
together on that bake sale,

and now this whole
thing happens, you know?

What a crazy world.

Mm. Yes, the bake sale.

It's nice that you stuck up
for the little guy, Louise,

but what you did was wrong. Real wrong.

Great. Thanks, Mom.

I just need you to sign
this permission slip

acknowledging Louise will
spend the rest of the day

in in-school suspension

and that you will come
pick her up after school.

That's what you get for
sticking your neck out

and doing the right thing.
I'll just keep my head down

and mind my own business. Hmm.

Shoot. I completely forgot.

I have to take my
mother to the podiatrist.

She has six ingrown toenails.

On one foot.

Ooh, she sounds nice.

Anyway, we can ask Ms.
Schnur to supervise Louise.

I'm sure she'll agree.

- No.
- Please, Ms. Schnur.

I wouldn't ask if it
weren't an emergency.

I'm busy today. I'm looking
up how every celebrity looks

- without makeup.
- Come on.

You can see the door from your desk.

All you have to do is make
sure no one goes in or out.

Ugh, fine.

Thank you. You really are
the best person for the job.

I know. I'm like that guard
in Shawshank Redemption.

Nothing gets by me.

Have you seen Shawshank Redemption?

Not all the way through. No spoilers!

Okay. And, Louise, any funny business

and you'll get in-school
suspension for a week.

Never helping anyone again.

Okay, I'm, uh, gonna
take Louise in there

to give her one last good
talking-to before I go.

Good. All right.

I'm off to the
podiatrist, Dr. Cornsander.

Just kidding. It's... His
name is Dr. Hand, ironically.

Uh, uh... Okay, I'm leaving.

What you did was very bad, Louise!

And I want you to put
it all in your essay!

- Why are you yelling?
- There are rules, Louise!

And you got to learn to follow 'em!

What are you doing?

You'll see. Just be quiet.

Uh, I just tripped
over... two chairs and a...

and a desk! And that's
what made that loud sound!

Now get out some paper and
start writing, Miss Missy!

I'm gonna lower you out the window.

Leave your stuff here
and meet me at the car.

I don't want to talk
you out of anything,

but why are you doing this?

You did something nice for someone.

Now I want to... do
something nice for you.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Ow. Sorry.

- Go to the car.
- This is crazy.

Go. Go, go, go.

And we'll talk more
about this after school.

Did you hear any of that?

I hope I wasn't too hard on her.

Anyway, she's in there
really learning her lesson,

and you won't hear a peep out of her.

Good. I hate hearing peeps.

- We clear?
- Ah!

Louise! You scared me!

What are you... Oh, right,
yeah, this was my idea.

Yeah, and what exactly is
the idea? What are we doing?

Well, listen, what you did was wrong.

Yeah, everybody made that pretty clear.

But I don't want you getting the idea

that helping people
isn't worth it, Louise,

'cause it is, it is worth it.

So, come on, give me your hand.
Look at me, give me your hand.

Okay.

So, my genius mom plan is to reward you

for the good part of what you did

by taking you out for ice cream.

Keep talking.

Then we'll pop you back in the window,

and you can write your essay
and no one will be the wiser.

Or we could blow off
the whole essay thing,

keep driving and start
new lives in Boca.

My hair? In Boca?

What are you... in that humidity?

What are you kidding me?

All right, Bob's Burgers, we made it.

We must be the first.

Hi, welcome. "The first"?

Oh, yeah, there's a
bunch of us coming here.

This is our meeting point.

Your meeting point? A-Are you
just meeting or also eating?

All of it. We dropped some
of our group on the way here,

but they'll show up.

Eventually.

Ha! Eventually.

Right?

"The Glory Glory Jalapeño Burger."
Sounds perfect.

- Two Burgers of the Day, please.
- You got it.

- Does that come with cheese?
- Uh, yeah.

All right, well, same
here, but no cheese.

- Okay.
- Two for me, too.

Oh. You guys are hungry, huh?

We're burning about 4,000
calories on this ride, so, yeah.

Yeah, we'll start with two
and then maybe have a third.

Wow.

- It's good to be young, huh?
- I'm 49.

Oh, my God, I have to start working out.

- Yes, you do.
- Oh, boy. Here are the stragglers.

Hi. Let me just clear
this booth for you guys,

and I'll be right back
to take your order.

Bob, you're swamped.
Let me get that for you.

What? No. Teddy, I mean, thanks,

but don't worry about it.

Why not? I can't clear a table?

It's so very difficult
that only you can do it?

I'm fine, Teddy. I got it.

Fine? Okay, it's fine.

Okay. It's fine! I got it!

Okay, great!

So can you get me some more coffee

when you get a chance?!

Sorry about him.

No, I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Oh, boy.

Louise, are you in there?

We heard from Regular Sized Rudy

who heard from Pocket Sized Rudy

that you got in-school suspension.

It's us, Tina and Gene. This is Tina.

No answer. I'm going in.

Gene, no. If we get
caught going in there,

we'll get suspended, too.

It happened to Jimmy Jr.
When he tried to talk to Zeke.

- It's true.
- So courageous.

So now whenever Zeke's suspended,

I just pass him notes.

Those notes really
lifted my spirits, J-Ju!

- Get over here! I got to tell you!
- Ow, Zeke!

- I appreciate it!
- Ow. Ah!

I appreciate the hell out it!

Zeke. Come on, I appreciate you!

Hey!

- Ah!
- Get away from there.

No talking to the suspendee.

Stay strong, Louise, bye.

'Sup, girl?

What's up, Zeke? New shorts?

Yeah.

All right, go to class.

- All right. Bye!
- Bye.

You know, I used to get into trouble

for sticking up for my friends.

- You did?
- Uh-huh.

I pantsed a guy, too.

Yeah, Kenny Kotarski.

He was making fun of
Vicki Tufo's forehead.

She had an enormous forehead.

Like scary big.

Anyway, I even got his underwear.

Everyone saw everything.

What?

Mom. What other bad stuff did you do?

One time, me and your Aunt Gayle

filled up a bunch of water balloons,

and we went in the bathroom
and threw them at the girls

that were pooping.

Wait, who were you sticking up for?

Oh. Well, I mean, they were mean girls.

They were, they were mean pooping girls.

Hey, aren't you supposed
to be at the restaurant?

Don't you work there?

Oh, what, like we're
getting a big rush today?

I like those... outfits.

Thanks. I put on spandex once.

- I couldn't get it off for a week.
- Uh-huh.

Yeah. Went to the E.R.

Doctor said if I was
even five minutes later,

I would've lost a foot.

That was a fun Easter.

Here you go. Uh, sorry for the wait.

Hey, can we get another
round of beer, too?

- And more fries? Like a butt-load?
- Yup.

That'll be just a minute.
I'm-I'm by myself right now.

I mean, my wife should be here.

- I have a wife, she's just not here.
- She's real, though.

This is making me sound like
I don't have a wife. I do.

He does, he definitely does.

- And I do, too.
- Teddy, stop it.

Yeah, her name is Karen McGillicuddy.

Oh, God.

Hi, uh, have a seat.

I'll be right with you.

Where is Linda?

Oh, God help me.

- Eh? Eh?
- Teddy, I could actually use a hand.

Yeah! You won't regret this!

You will not regret it!
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

I am in. I am ready.

Give me a thing to put on.

Uh, right?

Oh, here's Linda's, right?

Okay, I'm already regretting this.

But I think you have to take the
orders while I make everything.

I will not let you down, Bobby.

Hello, and welcome to Bob's Burgers.

My name's Teddy and I'll
be your server today.

Can I start you with some appetizers?

Any dietary restrictions
I should know about

- before we get going here?
- Teddy, Teddy, Teddy.

- Huh? Too much?
- Yes, dial it back.

I'll try.

Any birthdays? Anyone
celebrating a birthday?

So you wrote her a note, too?

- Big-time.
- What does yours say?

It says, "How ya doing in there, kiddo?"

But then I scratched out "kiddo."

- It felt forced.
- Mine's a picture

of that angry hot dog
I've been drawing lately.

Zeke, Jimmy Jr., what's the best way

to slide these notes under the door?

Here, let me do it.

Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.

J-Ju can get them right under the desk.

Well, I've had a lot of practice.

'Cause I have a problem
with impulse control.

- Ha-cha!
- And then I'd read it,

write back, and slide it right under.

And slide it back under.

Huh. Come on!

Yeah, Zeke definitely
would've written back by now.

Well, maybe she just didn't see them?

Or maybe she hates us.

She resents us for our freedom.

I told you kids, stay
away from that door!

Are we by this door? Oh, we are.

We were just walking.

And we're still walking. Bye.

Mm.

Poor Louise.

Yeah. She must be having the worst day.

You're all right, Louise.

I don't care what anyone else says.

Back at ya. This has been fun.

Let's do it again
sometime. Can I call you?

I took a magazine from the waiting room.

Did you?

What?

- Fine, I'll mail it back to them.
- Not that.

- He's honking at you.
- I know, Mother.

- Oh, no, Mr. Frond.
- What? Where?

He's right there in his car.

Did he see us?

I don't know, I don't know.

Let's go!

I got to go.

I got a meeting with
the city council... !

- Oh, in there.
- Yes.

Ooh, cotton candy.

- Mom, no, we're hiding!
- Right, right, right.

Oh, don't come in here,

don't come in here, don't come in here.

Ah, nuts, he came in here.

Oh.

Where are we going?

I think I saw a truant student,

and I'm not letting her get away.

Oh, a chase. Fun.

Put on the siren.

Mother. What?

You want to win a goldfish?
Three shots for a dollar.

No. Wait, maybe. No, no, no, thank you.

Oh, boy. This is bad.

I'm gonna get at least
a week's suspension.

I know, and if he sees me,

I can kiss the bake sale good-bye.

- Crap, that's right.
- Yeah.

You want to just take one
look at these goldfish?

They're not all dead.

See, that guy's wiggling a little bit.

He's got some fight in him, huh?

Aw, I love him. Little wiggler.

Frond's coming this way;
we got to go in deeper.

- Uh, can I get extra jalapeños on that?
- You got it.

Two more Burgers of the
Day... Extra jalapeños, buddy!

Shoot. Oh, no, I forget who these go to.

Uh...

D-Didn't you write down a
table number or anything?

No, no, no, I got my own system.

I associate something with their order,

- and then I make a rhyme out of it.
- What?

"The guy with brown
hair wants it medium rare."

"The guy with sunglasses
wants extra cheese." Uh...

That one doesn't rhyme.

They can't all rhyme!
I'm doing all this stuff,

and then I'm trying to come up
with these rhymes... it's hard.

You can just write down the table
numbers, Teddy, or...

No, no, uh, it's too late now,
Bob. We're in the weeds.

Okay, who had a plain
hamburger? Wait, I remember.

"The guy who wants it plain was kind
of a pain." That's you, sir, right?

No, it's the guy who looks
like a weird David Blaine.

Where's he?

I drew another

angry hot dog. This
time, he's at the beach,

- and he's furious at a whale.
- I wrote her an inspirational haiku.

"Hang in there, Louise.

I know it's tough right now, but things
are... " Oh, wait, that's not a haiku.

Uh-oh. They put a guard on the door.

I'll try to distract him
while you slip the notes under.

Hey, Mr. Branca...

- No, no, no, no, no, keep moving.
- Damn.

Ms. Schnur had to use the restroom

and told me to watch this door.

No one in, no one out.

Shoot.

But if two cool kids had notes

or pictures of funny foods,

I might look up here for a second,

and they could slide them under
the door without anyone seeing.

Looking up, up, up, up, up...

Well, how do we know
if that's our situation?

Gene, I think that is our situation.

Did I say "cool kids"?
Let's say slow kids.

- That's us!
- Could you look up again?

Looking up...

- Thanks, Mr. Branca.
- I don't know you!

Whoa, whoa. Uh-oh.
Knocked some peppers out.

I'm just gonna poke 'em back in.

No, no, no, no, Teddy,
don't poke the food.

Ah, shh, shh, shh. I'm just
sticking 'em back in here.

- Get in there, guys.
- What are you doing? No, Teddy.

- Get back in there, come on.
- I don't even know if

you washed your hands; you
shouldn't be touching the food.

Washed my hands? I'm
not a surgeon, Bobby.

We only have a few more orders.

Just keep it together
for a little bit longer.

God, you are really sweating.

Yeah, I'm dripping a little.

Not in the food. Much.

My eyes!

- What? What, what? What?
- My eyes!

Oh, I got jalapeño in my eyes!

Where's your emergency eyewash station?

What? We don't have an
emergency eyewash station.

Oh, Princess Wash-Your-Hands

doesn't have an emergency
eyewash station?!

I can't see, Bob! What
am I supposed to do now?

Just let me take those out.

Ah, no, wait. Bob!

Uh, my other senses are coming up.

Stay on the grill. I can do this.

I'm more alive now than
I've ever been before.

Oh, boy. Who had extra jalapenos?

I can't see you. Use your voice.

I'll remember your voice.

Everyone say something!

Oh, my God.

This is crazy. He's closing in on us.

Can he smell us?

I can. Whew.

And he's between us and the exit.

I mean, we're trapped in here.

Should we just jump into the ocean?

And end it all? Maybe.

No, swim to shore.

Oh. No, gross.

So what should we do?

I can't believe I got us into this mess.

Yeah, exactly.

This is what I've been saying!

You tried to do something nice for me,

and it bit you in the ass.

You're gonna lose the bake sale.

This is why you shouldn't
help people ever!

No! You listen to me.

You're a good person,
Louise, and so am I.

And good people do what's right

even if it bites them in the ass.

I mean the you-know-what.

Don't say "ass," say "bum."

Listen, here's what we're gonna do:

we're gonna turn ourselves in

and I'm gonna tell him
breaking you out of school

was all my idea, and then

maybe you won't get
suspension for a week.

But what about the bake sale?

Well, I have other passions

besides planning an amazing bake sale

and laughing in Colleen Caviello's

conventionally attractive face.

Okay, here's another idea.

We split up and I run right at him.

I'll find cover where I can,
and I got to get real lucky,

but if I can get past him,

I can get back to school before he does.

What? No. You'll definitely get caught.

No, I'll probably get caught,

but you'll definitely
keep that bake sale.

Nope. No. You're not doing that. No.

Sure, sure, I-I know.

I'm just, you know, Spitballing.

Just throwing things out there.

Just trying to solve this predicament.

Oh, Mom, don't panic,

but is that a bee in your boobs?

A bee in my boobs!

Oh, my boobs! Oh, my God!

Oh! Oh, God! Oh. What the... ?

That selfless little stinker.

Come on, Louise.

Those aren't eagles, they're seagulls.

What did I say?

Ah! Oh!

I want to get my face painted.

No, no, no.

We're not here to have fun.

Oh! Oh, my God.

Are you joyless, Phillip?

Don't start that again, Mother!

- Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me!
- Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

You never let me get my face painted.

That is just not true.

Yes! Oh, hey, Mr. Frond.

This must be your mother.
How are you? I'm Linda.

Hello, Linda.

I had six ingrown toenails.

I heard. That is fascinating.

Linda. Funny seeing you here.

I thought I saw Louise just now.

Louise?

No, she's at in-school suspension,

where I left her.

Huh. What are you doing out here?

Me? I came here, uh,

to get my face painted.

It's, uh, like a cheap facial.

See? She knows how to have fun.

- I do.
- Uh-huh.

Mother, we're stopping by the
school before I take you home.

- Sorry.
- It's okay.

I'm just happy to be outside.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, I want
to talk about the bake sale.

- Uh, I got so many ideas.
- No, Linda, no, get...

- Get-get off me!
- Um...

Don't pull on my sleeve.

- No.
- What are you doing?

- All right, we can talk on the phone.
- O-Okay, yeah, sure.

Okay, here I go!

Over to the face paint booth.

- Like I said... before.
- Uh-huh.

Thanks for coming in, you guys.

Are they still here? Did they leave yet?

Yeah, yeah, they're gone, Teddy.

Still-still can't see anything?

Not really, no. I just see shapes.

But just point me in
the direction of a table,

and I will clear it off.

All right, it's okay, Teddy. I got it.

- Do I get to keep the tips?
- Yeah.

- Really?
- Sure.

I mean, you might have
less than you think.

Once you started running around,

blindly slamming into everybody...

- Eh.
- ... knocking them to the ground,

I think they were all...

We were really clicking
there for a while, huh, pal?

- No.
- Yeah?

- No.
- We did all right?

- Not really, no.
- Pretty good?

- No. Pretty bad.
- Yeah.

Eh, we were a real team there, Bobby.

- We were not.
- We were doing it.

- We would... no.
- Oh, we got after it.

- We were at odds.
- Yeah.

You know what? As crazy as it sounds,

I could go for a
jalapeño burger right now.

- Hey, for you, coming right up.
- All right.

Whoa.

Wait here. I'll be right back.

Okay, I'll just count the clouds.

One, two...

two and a half.

Is Louise still in there?

She hasn't left all day.

I'm gonna check.

Okay, I'll sit right
here while you do that.

Good luck to both of us.

Hey, Mr. Frond. We're here for Louise.

She's done her time, man.
We need to reintroduce her

into society, get her used to life

on the outside.

Well, I'm here for Louise, too.

But she's not gonna be here
for us when I open this door!

What? Louise. You're here.

Of course. Where else would I be?

Why are you sweaty and winded?

Um, because it's hot in here?

Where's the air conditioner?

Yeah, where... that's
what I want to know.

Well, where's your essay? Let's see it.

Um...

right here, where I keep my essays.

Hey, that's the notes we've been...

- Uh, Gene.
- Um...

Ha! Just a kid yelling.

It's a lot of drawings
of an angry hot dog

and a poorly formed haiku?

- That seems harsh. Just saying.
- I don't get it.

Well, the angry hot dog
represents who I am, in here,

and then the haiku represents
who I want to be, out there.

But if you don't get it...

I-I get it.

I just thought it might
have a-a meaning beyond

- the obvious meaning.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Louise!

Oh, good, you made it. Through the day.

Oh, and my little Teeny and Geeny

are here to visit their jailbird sister.

No matter what she does,
we'll always love her.

Want to talk about the face?

What's there to talk about?

I'm a cat. Meow.

I love this woman!

Hello again, Mr. Frond.
Is Louise free to go?

Uh, she seems to have satisfied
the requirements, so, yes.

Louise, did we learn our lesson today?

We sure did, Mom.

Wait. What was that? Did
you just wink at each other?

Yeah, cats wink.

And some people wink at their cat moms.

And other people leave
their moms in cars

on hot days with all
the windows rolled up.

Oh, my God! Mother!

♪ I've had ♪

♪ The time of my life ♪

♪ No, I never felt this way before ♪

♪ Yes, I swear it's the truth ♪

♪ And I owe it all to you ♪

♪ I've had ♪

♪ The time of my life ♪

♪ And I've searched through
every open door ♪

♪ Till I've found ♪

♪ Found the truth, and I... ♪

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.