Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 7, Episode 11 - A Few 'Gurt Men - full transcript

Gene, breakfast. Yum!

Sorry I took so long,

but I think you'll agree

it was worth the wait.

Ooh, yes.

Why are you wearing your fancy clothes?

Why aren't you wearing yours?

- These are my fancy clothes.
- Mm.

Gene's all dressed up for
the school-wide mock trial.

He's the big, tough prosecutor.

Oh, right. Right.



I'm a sharp-dressed,
silver-tongued devil.

And he's going up against Louise,

the savvy defense lawyer.

It's Belcher against Belcher!

Whoop-Dee-Doo!

We win either way!

It is impressive that our kids

got chosen to be the lawyers.

It really is. Also, totally random.

Yep. Literally picked out of a hat.

And we can't forget the
most important role of all...

Tina the juror!

With great jury comes
great responsibility.

You lucked out, T.



I wish I could sit on
the jury and zone out

while we do a mock trial of Snow White.

Whoa, do you think the Evil Queen

gave Snow White a poison apple?

Yes!

That's for a jury of
her peers to decide.

But probably.

It's just so babyish.

I mean, why can't we do a mock trial

of a double homicide or something?

Ooh, double homicide. Twice as nice!

Okay, everyone,

Judge Conklin is just outside,
and he's ready to begin.

He's retired, but today
he's going to hear our case

and guide us through the process.

- I want to be Snow White.
- _

- Uh, snow way.
- _

Bailiff Zeke,

why don't you get us started?

Hear ye, hear ye!

The court of the Honorable Judge Conklin

is now in session.

- All rise.
- Honorable?

I haven't been called that since 1997.

Maybe you should call me

the "somewhat
respectable" Judge Conklin.

He's funny!

Ooh, the somewhat wet
and messy Judge Conklin.

I had a little accident.
Just water, not pee.

God, this guy's got no filter.

Be seated!

It's gonna be a long day.

- Okay, here we go.
- _

We will first hear from the prosecution.

Your Honor, ladies and
gentleman of the jury,

here are the facts: the Evil Queen

was jealous of my client, the gorgeous,

but-a-little-sun-wouldn't-
kill-her Snow White,

and gave her a poison apple, sending her

into a sleeping death.

To sum it up, not cool.

So do your thing and
return a verdict of guilty.

Okay, counterpoint: she's not guilty.

Thank you.

- Louise?
- Yes ma'am?

If you don't want to participate,

then you can just write
a thousand-word essay

on the legal system, due tomorrow.

What am I supposed to do?

I mean, her first name is "Evil."

- Louise...
- Ugh! Fine.

You know any places that make

good food, Bob?

Uh, yeah, Mort, why?

I'm hosting my mom's birthday
party, and I need a caterer.

Oh, okay. So... us? Bob's Burgers?

Oh, God no!

Geez, Mort. Yeah, what the hell?

If I was having a funeral,

I'd get my dead bodies from your place.

No, no, no, no, don't get
me wrong, it's not you.

It's just that my mom's picky.

If it doesn't have a shrimp
on it, she won't eat it.

Uh, I love your food,
too... Sorry to interrupt...

But I found something in it
that I don't love... this.

Oh, God! Can we make you another one?

Yeah, I'm not sure I
could eat another burger.

I'll take it.

Look, we're really sorry about this.

Let us um... let us comp your meal.

No, no. Are you sure?

Yes. We insist.

Well, in that case, thank you.

Have a great day!

Huh. This is a brown hair. That's weird.

Makes me wonder how much hair

I've eaten here over the years.

Probably a whole mullet's worth.

Worth it.

So, you're a charming prince, huh?

- Yes, I am.
- _

And what kind of charmer goes around

kissing dead girls?

I was trying to revive her

with my true-love kiss.

Get off my back!

How many corpses did you kiss

before you found your Snow White, Romeo?

- None.
- How many?!

- One.
- How many?!

- Four!
- How many?!

I don't know!

Why don't you think?!

Ms. Jacobson, help!

Order! Order!

Are you going somewhere
with this, Counselor?

No, not really, I just wanted

to upset the witness, Your Honor.

- Looks like you did it.
- I did it, yeah.

If there are no further questions,

it's time for the jury to deliberate.

All right, then, I guess

I ask for a mistrial.

It's impossible for my
client, the Evil Queen,

to get a fair trial here because

everyone knows the story of Snow White.

Huh. No one has ever
asked for a mistrial.

So you'll grant me one?

No. The jury seems
impartial and capable.

And mysterious, with a hint of glamor.

Jury, how do you find the defendant?

The impartial, capable,
mysterious and glamorous jury

rules in favor of the prosecution.

We find the Evil Queen guilty.

- Shocking.
- Sweet Lady Justice!

No, I didn't!

- Yes, you did!
- I-I did not!

What is going on?

Mr. Frond stole my yogurt!

Look! This is his trash can.

Gasp! Right?

I did not eat that yogurt.

It's a crime of passion fruit!

Sounds like you need a lawyer.

Hey, let's try this in student court!

We've already got a judge.

Oh, I mean, we were gonna try

the Three Little Pigs tomorrow.

I'm fine taking this to student court.

Let the whole school
see that Mr. Frond is

a dirty yogurt thief!

I am not a thief!

I'd be happy to take
this to student court.

Well, I'd preside over this case.

Maybe the fairy tale trials are

- too predictable.
- You think?

Let's see what they
can do with a real case.

Well, if everyone's on board, I guess

we can try this one tomorrow.

We won't need re-enactors,

so Jimmy Jr., Tammy and Jocelyn

can join the jury.

Jimmy Jr. on the jury?

Jimmy Jury... I know who I
want to get sequestered with.

He's my sequestiny.

- What?
- Nothing.

What happens when you find Frond guilty?

Does this school have the death penalty?

How about if the jury finds him guilty,

he has to wear a sign all day that says,

"I'm a disgusting yogurt thief."

Ha, yes!

And, if he's found innocent,

then you have to wear a
sign all day that reads,

"I'm a filthy liar mouth."

- Perfect!
- Tammy and I will make the signs.

It's gonna be so fun.

Jocelyn, will you please
make my sign for me?

- Okay.
- Thank you.

So we'll keep Zeke as the bailiff,

Gene, you'll be prosecuting,

and, Louise, since you were finally

making some progress as a defender,

you get to defend Mr. Frond.

- Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
- What?

- No, no.
- Ugh!

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

Look, I don't like you,
and you don't like me,

but I guess I'm responsible
for your defense.

Yes, that's scary, but I'm sure

you'll do everything in your power...

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I was gonna go the other way with it.

All you got to do is cop a
plea so we can get out of here.

You'll be home in time
to talk to your cats

and knit yourself to sleep.

No, no, no, no, no.
No deal, I'm innocent.

Who cares! Just say you did it,

buy him a yogurt, and we're done here.

I'm innocent!

Don't hiss at me.

All rise for the somewhat respectable

Judge Conklin.

I guess I brought that on myself.

Today, you, the jury, will hear the case

of Mr. Ambrose v. Mr. Frond,

one of whom will wear the hilarious sign

- we discussed yesterday.
- _

The signs look really good.

- They're fine.
- They look really good.

They're just fine.

I should instruct the jury

that until the trial is over,
you may not discuss the case.

Whoa. Forbidden conversation.

So, how about this case, huh?

- What?
- I know. We shouldn't.

We mustn't.

I-I don't,
I-I can't...

What-what are you saying?

Exactly.

Let's begin with the opening statements.

As far back as I can remember,

Mr. Ambrose has been hollerin' on

about Mr. Frond stealin' his yogurt.

Why is he talking like that?

Problem was there wasn't no proof!

But now, we have more
evidence than an alligator

with a full belly next to
an empty crawfish bucket.

I don't understand what he's saying.

Can I interrupt here?

The court asks that you use

your normal speaking voice.

I mean, personally, I really like it,

but it's confusing the jury.

Oh, boo.

Mr. Ambrose's yogurt container was found

in Mr. Frond's trash can.

End of story. I'm good at law!

Applause. Applause!

Ladies and gentleman of the jury,

maybe he didn't do it.

Huh? Good night.

That's it? That's all you got?!

Oh, we also have a
right to a speedy trial,

so let's get this going, huh?

Hey, that guy looks familiar.

- Bob, that's Teddy.
- Hi, Bob.

No, out the window.
I think that's the guy

who found the hair in
his burger here yesterday.

Yeah, I think it is.

Hey, Jimmy, did that guy
find a hair in his food?

What? Don't yell that across the street!

I'm over here, come on!

That guy was in my
place yesterday, Jimmy.

Let me guess, he found
a hair on his last bite,

- and you comped his meal?
- Yeah.

- That guy is a scammer.
- What a jerk!

Lin, who is watching the restaurant?

Mort and Teddy.

I can't believe that guy was scamming.

He seemed nice... we were
jib-jabbing about his job.

Don't say jib-jabbing.

Wait, where does he work?

He's, like, a celebrity impersonator.

Like, you rent him for parties.

He gave me a free taste of his Pacino.

It was eye-opening.

Well, maybe we can track him down.

Oh, you want to get back at him, huh?

- Yeah.
- Shave his head, cook his hair

and feed it to him?

N-No...

Replace all the shoes in his house

with shoes one size smaller.

We Amélie the guy.

Teddy, is there anyone
in the restaurant?

Mort. Oh, nope. There he is.

Something's burning!

- That's where you ate the yogurt,
- _

but it wasn't yo gurt, was it?!

- No!
- Aha! You admit you ate it!

No, I'm saying it wasn't my
'gurt, and I didn't eat it.

Yes, you did. No further
questions. Gotcha!

So you walked from here to there.

When, exactly, did you eat the yogurt?

I didn't eat the yogurt!

I'm satisfied.

Uh Louise?

I hate to be that guy,

but you have an obligation

to provide this man with a defense.

Working with what I got, Your Honor.

Let's get this party started.

I call to the stand Ms. Selbo!

Hey, Jimmy Junior, do you think

he's gonna lead this witness or what?

Stop it, Tina, you're
gonna get us in trouble.

Guilty as charged.

So, Ms. Selbo, you are a receptionista?

I'm the school receptionist, yes.

And a person in your position

must see and hear a lot of things.

Sitting at the front desk,

watching the race of mankind go by?

Yes, but I'm very discreet.

What do you know about
Misters Ambrose and Frond?

Where to begin?

Mr. Frond gets a call from
his mother at least once a day.

Oh, there's a surprise.

And Mr. Ambrose uses the computer room

after hours to work on his
sequel to Mrs. Doubtfire...

"Mrs. Doubtwater."

It's a prequel, you ass!

Okay, everyone, okay, I think it's best

we just keep this focused
on the yogurt case for now.

Ms. Selbo,

do you have any 'gurt-related gossip?

Any hot 'gurt goss?

Well, Mr. Ambrose is always leaving

his yogurt spoons lying around.

Wait, what do you mean he
leaves them lying around?

These yogurts have a
plastic spoon in the lid,

for the yogurt eater on the go.

Yeah, or a yogurt thief
on the go, like Mr. Frond!

Look at the yogurt container!

The spoon is still in the lid!

- How did I eat it?
- Hmm.

Probably with your
tongue, like a dirty frog!

Impossible... I have
a tiny tongue, see?!

Ew, put that away!

- So this is the Internet.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Scroll back up. There he is!

Bingo! We got you, buddy.

Austin Powers, Mario or Luigi?

Hey! Borat! Let's get that one!

This isn't supposed to be fun, Teddy.

- Why not?
- 'Cause we're getting revenge.

We're gonna do to him what he did to us,

make him work and then not pay.

Ooh, he's available tomorrow.

Wait, what are we just gonna book him?

I mean, he'd recognize us.

He isn't gonna recognize my mother.

Which is why we're gonna book him

for her birthday party.

So Mort, are you sure
this won't ruin her party?

Are you kidding? This
is her kind of thing.

She loves revenge.

Revenge and shrimp.

Look, it's no use.

That spoon thing went nowhere.

So time to cop a plea, okay?

But I didn't do it.

Falsely accused, huh?

I've been there. All the time.

By you.

All the time? Really?

Well, some of the times.
Yeah, really, Mr. Frond.

Well, if I ever did falsely accuse
you of anything, I'm sorry.

'Cause this feels really horrible.

Pfft. Well, just save the drama

for the phone call from your mama, okay?

- We're gonna go for the plea deal.
- Okay.

Come on, it's our only
chance to... wait, what?

If you're not gonna defend me,

we should just get this over with.

Okay, great.

Your Honor, my client, um...

- Mm-hmm.
- My client would like to...

- Yes?
- Sorry, just a moment.

- So you're really innocent?
- Yes.

But really, really innocent?

Yes, that's what I've
been telling you. Yes.

Crap. All right.

Your Honor, my client would
like to say that he's innocent,

and we're going to keep fighting
to prove it, as long as it takes.

I thought you wanted
to get this over with.

Yeah, I did, but everyone
deserves a fair trial.

Even a broken down, chewed-up,

spit-out guidance
counselor like Mr. Frond.

That's the nicest thing
you've ever said about me.

Objection! Gross!

So how's the jury going Tina?

We're not supposed to talk about it.

But it's all Jimmy Junior and I can do.

It's intense.

We should've had this
thing wrapped up today,

but I guess Louise
wants to lose tomorrow.

Oh, I won't be losing, Gene.

I just needed another day to figure out

how to prove Mr. Frond is innocent.

What? Don't you want to see him fry?

I mean, I do.

I did, I really did,

but now I'm pretty sure he didn't do it.

Pretty sure doesn't win trials, toots.

Sounds like this trial
is gonna drag on forever.

Darn it. Shucks.

Look, I wish I had someone like me

when I was falsely accused.

I mean, today me, not yesterday me.

Yesterday me was phoning it in.

Aw, my baby's having
a crisis of conscience.

You're doing something
nice for Mr. Frond.

Ugh! Gross! I am not!

- You like him.
- No, I don't!

You like him.

You know what? I'm
going to bed to think.

I have to think. I
have to go think in bed.

- You think about how you like him.
- No, I don't!

Today the defense will
prove that Mr. Frond

did not steal the yogurt.

And what's more,

I will show you who
did steal the yogurt.

As soon as I figure out who that is.

Oh, please, we all
know Mr. Frond did it.

The yogurt was in his trash can.

And no one likes him.

I mean, right?

Objection to the first part.

That's hearsay, I think.

It's all hearsay.

You hear it, then you say it.

Oh, that is good.

I will allow it.

Of course you'll allow it.

What won't you allow?

That kind of talk in
my courtroom, Missy.

But in this case, I'll allow it.

Wow, this judge sure is permissive.

Ugh. God.

Your Honor? Tina won't stop
talking to me about the case

and we're not supposed
to do that, right?

Well, technically you're right,

but you're coming off a little whiny.

Ugh. Great.

You're back. Where were we?

Anyway, look at the map.

Mr. Frond's office is
between the teacher's lounge

and the cafeteria.

It would've been easy for
someone to eat that yogurt

as they walked down the hall, finish it,

and throw it in Mr. Frond's trash can.

So the question is who would've been

in the teacher's lounge after school,

when teachers are rushing
out to their second jobs?

Who would've gone from
there to the cafeteria?

Oh, I don't know. Wait, yes I do.

Oh, my God! He's right there!

Yes, Mr. Frond was in
the teacher's lounge

on Monday afternoon.

But witnesses place
two other people there

on that same afternoon.

I call back to the stand Ms. Selbo.

So, Ms. Selbo, you were
in the teacher's lounge

just minutes before the
yogurt went missing, correct?

Yes, I go there after school
and pretend I'm a teacher.

I use Ms. Jacobson's mug.

- What?
- I mean, I don't pretend anything

and I use a paper cup.

And I didn't take the yogurt.

And why should we believe you?

I'm lactose intolerant.

- You are?
- Big time.

Get me a gallon of
milk and I'll prove it.

I will allow it.

No, no, no, we're good.

Thanks for letting us crash

your birthday party to get revenge

on a dirty food scammer.

You only turn 86 once!

Oh, God, is that him?

- Get in the closet!
- Just me and Linda, or everybody?

All of us, Teddy!

Mom, we'll be in the closet.

You ladies let him
in and enjoy the show.

Ow. Ow!

The defense calls to
the stand Mr. Branca.

Mr. Branca, please tell the
court what you were doing

in the teacher's lounge
after school Monday.

Same thing I do in there every day,

empty the trash, pretend to vacuum.

You know, Branca stuff.

That carpet probably hides dirt.

Yeah. I just make the sound.

Is someone vacuuming?

So what did you do next?

Well, I walked down the hallway,

mopped up something vomit-ish.

Then what? Then what, Branca?

Picked up some odds and ends,

a broken scrunchie, a
few retainers, a spoon...

What? Did you just say "a spoon"?

- Yes. Am I saying that right? Spoon.
- Let me get this straight,

you're confessing that you found
a spoon Monday after school?

Where did you find it, Branca?

In your mouth?

I find spoons all over the place.

Someone tried to flush
a spoon down the toilet

- three times last year.
- My bad.

You want me out there
finding your spoons.

You need me out there
finding your spoons.

I mean, who leaves a spoon
on a drinking fountain?

Wait, where did you find the spoon?

On the drinking fountain.

Thank you. I believe you didn't do it.

Oh, thank God.

But I know who did.

♪ Dun, dun, dun! ♪

I have one last question
for you, Mr. Branca.

The drinking fountain
you found the spoon on,

- how would you describe it?
- The... squirty one?

The squirty one.

Okay. Ladies and gentlemen,

we all started this trial thinking

Mr. Frond was gross and terrible.

And we still think that.

He's many things:

annoying, desperate.

But he's also something else:

innocent.

Mr. Frond didn't eat
Mr. Ambrose's yogurt.

Judge Conklin did.

Whoa.

- What?
- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my goodness.
- Do what?

Order! Order!

That is a very serious
accusation, Louise.

- Yeah!
- Don't you accuse my judge!

Don't you do it!

Present your argument.

You know, I got suspicious
when you mentioned

the carpet in the teacher's
lounge probably hides dirt.

It made it sound like you'd
been in the teacher's lounge.

But it was something else you said

when you first walked in on Monday.

You said you had an accident,
and it was water, not pee.

It was pee!

- No, Zeke. It was water.
- Oh.

I say Judge Conklin

went into the teacher's lounge

and helped himself to the yogurt,

ate it as he walked down the hall,

threw away the container
in Mr. Frond's trash can,

then went to the drinking
fountain to wash it down,

leaving the spoon on top.

The squirty fountain
did what it does best,

squirted him, hence the wet sleeve.

Wow. You are...

100% correct.

I looked up to you.

What I don't know is why.

Why did you eat a yogurt
that did not belong to you?

Yeah, why?

It was an honest mistake.

Usually at these school mock trials

they have some sort of refreshments.

I thought the yogurt
was your attempt at that.

I didn't know about this new
spoon-in-the-lid technology,

so I just used one of those
old-fashioned metal spoons

and I accidentally
left it on the fountain.

But why didn't you just
admit you did it yesterday?

Why make us go through all of this?

I thought I saw potential in
this young defense attorney.

When this case fell in our lap,
it seemed like a good challenge.

So this whole time,
you were teaching us.

And I have to say, I am impressed.

I like the way you think.

You dug deep to find the truth

and saved an innocent man.

Even though you two clearly have issues.

We do. We do.

Anyway, Mr. Ambrose?

How much was that yogurt?

$2.59, plus tax!

I'll give you $3 and
we'll call it square.

Court is adjourned!

I guess I better put this on.

I have a date later.

- It'll be a great ice breaker.
- _

Bye everyone! Hope
you all become lawyers!

Kids, please don't tell your parents

how we've spent the last two days.

My wife.

I, uh, I think he's about to wrap it up.

You like? It's nice.

Oh!

This has to be the finale. Let's go.

Let's go, let's go. Up, up.

- Move it!
- Ow.

Hi, there. Remember us?

You said you found a hair
in my baloney cala-zoney?

- And in a burger at Bob's Burgers?
- Hi, I'm Teddy.

Oh, yeah. What's... going on?

Well, we're really unsatisfied
with your performance today.

It's almost like we found
a hair in your Borat.

Yeah, we're gonna need this comped.

All right, I see what you're doing here.

Yeah, checkmate. Ha!

You, uh, actually prepaid for the show

when you put your credit
card in on the Web site.

No cancellations or refunds
one hour prior to performance.

Uh, what? I didn't, I didn't, uh...

I didn't know that.

Oh, way to go, Bob. Jeez.

So I guess this isn't checkmate,

more like check the user agreement.

I've never seen a man
this naked be this smug.

Thanks for everything
and see you guys around.

Not so fast.

Finish your performance.

- What?
- You heard him.

We paid for it, we want it all.

We do? I saw enough personally.

Fine.

I like you, do you like me?

He... he is actually really good.

Louise,

I've been a lawyer for
three long, sweltering days,

and I know when I've been bested.

Because you lost the case?

Yes. That's when I knew.

I'm just glad the jury came through

and we were able to serve
up a hot slice of justice.

I mean, we didn't, but we would have

if we'd been able to
deliberate or do anything.

Louise, I want to say thank you.

Honestly, I was
terrified the whole time,

but, you did the right
thing. And helped me.

I know. It was very big of me.

Right. If you'll excuse
me, now that I'm a free man,

I have a reservation for one
at the supermarket salad bar.

Ugh. So sad.

Yep. But thank you again.

- I'm proud of you.
- Yuck.

Well, it's how I feel, so there you go.

Sorry I didn't believe
you in the first place.

- What?
- Nothing!

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.