Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 7 - Tina Tailor Soldier Spy - full transcript

The kids tease Linda about her stray grays so Gretchen helps Linda have more fun. Louise is proud when Tina quits her cult. But Ginny, Thundergirls Leader of Troop 119 drags her back to the pack. Ginny enlists Tina to sniff out a mole at Troop 119; she is convinced this mole is leaking cookie secrets to feral Troop 257, their greatest rival. Tina is the only one Ginny can trust to save Troop 119. Enter Tina "Smiley" Belcher, wannabe queen of mole hunting and espionage. Gene raids trash, looking for clues and Louise becomes double joined. Thundergirls lore rages deep inside of Tina but can she bait any of the perfect traps to catch the cookie mole? Does Linda Belcher automatically Get Smart when she loses the blonde?

55...
Distinguished gray.

56...
Undistinguished gray.

Hey! Stop counting
my gray hairs.

We would count Dad's,
but his hair is so fragile.

No, it's not. Oh,
my God, a clump.

Mom, can I use this bag to store
my Thundergirls uniform?

Aw. I still can't believe
you quit the Thundergirls.

Are you gonna put away
your thunder-wear? (chuckles)

Congratulations on getting out
of that cult, Tina.

I was just getting too old
for it, I guess.

What do you mean "too old"?
Dad, Tina's 13.



In Thundergirl years,
that's, like, 40.

Hey. 40 is the new 38.

Yeah, and 38 is the new...
(meows)

Yeah.
Tina, what happened?

There may have been a culture clash
between me and the younger girls.

I mean, I wouldn't say
I was a stick in the mud...

Look, a stick in the mud!
In the old days,

that's how a Thundergirl
made a sun dial.

Oh, that's nice, Tina.
Did everyone see Tina's stick?

GIRLS: Yes...

Anyway, now that I have
an opening in my schedule,

I can spend more time
with you guys.

Okay, great. Gene, what do
we got going on this week?

Uh, you've got a bath
night I can move around,



but you've already
moved it twice.

Let's cancel it. Tina, you're in.

Okay.
Well, I know what I'm doing.

I'm calling Gretchen
at the salon.

Say good-bye to the gray, kids.

Fine. But I'm keeping this one.

- Ow! - Oops, it's a black one.
I'll put it back.

Ugh, Gretchen, I'm so glad you got
rid of those old-lady grays. No more

salt with this pepper.
You ready?

Ready!
Ta-da!

(gasps) Oh! Oh, my God!

Uh-oh.
Yeah, uh-oh!

L-Little mistake.
You made me look like a zebra!

Fix it! Please, fix it. Don't panic.
Don't panic. Don't panic, Lin.

Fix it!
I know... I know what I can do.

Dye it back!
No.

Dye it blonde.
What?

Trust me. Everything
is better as a blonde.

Everything looks better.
Everything tastes better. Like what?

Ketchup packets, cough drops...
Ketchups?

Come on. Do it, do it, do it, do it,
do it, do it, do it, do it, Oh...

do it, do it, do it.
Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!
What the hell?

(tinkling)

LINDA (sultrily):
Can I get a menu, please?

Whoa!
Oh, my God.

GENE:
Ah! It's middle-aged Mom Barbie!

I like your hair.
It matches your teeth.

Thank you, Tina.

Sort of an extreme reaction to a
few gray hairs, don't you think?

No. I'm not having more fun yet.

Wait! Yes, I am!
You see?

Gene gets it.
Bobby, you try.

No, I don't think so.
Aw, come on! Tina?

Um, can I do it later after
the chemical smell wears off?

Louise? Who said that?
Where's Mom?

WOMAN (quietly): Tina?
Trash?

No, it's Ginny.
From Thundergirls.

Ginny? What are you doing
in our alley pretending

to be the trash?
I couldn't risk anyone seeing me.

I'm here because
Troop 119 has... a... mole.

I thought
Katie just had a beauty mark.

No, a mole-mole.

I think someone in our troop
has been spying on us.

For our archrivals, Troop 257.

(gasps) Troop 257?
They're the toughest troop in town.

I heard they hold hot dogs in
the fire with their bare hands.

Yeah. I saw one of them
at the mall,

and I hid in the middle
of a rack of clothes.

But how could there be a mole
in Troop 119?

We pinky-swore
we'd be friends forever.

Except that one girl who didn't
have a pinky and moved away.

She had a lot going on.

Tina, I know it sounds crazy,
but it's the only explanation.

You know how every year
our cookie sales are pathetic?

Yeah, that's our thing.
It's because of the mole.

She's been giving away
our cookie leads to Troop 257.

I wasn't 100% certain
until last week...

I was at my new job. Lot of cookie
lovers there. I could smell it.

I arranged for Troop 119 to come
to my office and sell cookies.

It was gonna be a huge score.

But when we showed up,
guess who beat us to the punch.

TINA: Troop 257?
GINNY: Yes.

I had to eat Troop 257's
cookies from my own break room.

TINA: Well,
you didn't have to. You...

I had to, Tina. I had to!
I'm so sorry.

I've talked to all the girls in the
troop, and I can't rule out any of them.

The mole could be anybody.
Except you, Tina.

Oh, good. It can't be you
because you left the troop

before the humiliating office incident.
That's why I need you to rejoin.

Talk to the girls.
Find the mole.

Me? Rejoin?
But my wounds are still fresh.

I mean, I don't actually have
wounds. And if I did,

I would do first aid on them
because I have that patch.

Tina, every year at the cookie
jamboree, I've had to explain

why we have the
lowest sales of anyone.

I'm not doing it
anymore. I'm not!

Now, if I don't find the mole,
I'm just... I'm gonna...

I'm gonna dissolve the troop!
Huh?! Dissolve Troop 119?

No, you can't!
Well, I'm gonna do it!

Fine, I'll help you find
your mole.

Great. Okay. Thank you.

And remember, don't tell anyone
anything about this.

Got it. This is between you,
me, and my journal.

No. No journal.
I meant my secret journal.

The one you don't know about.
You just told me about it.

Okay. I'll just write it in
a letter and mail it to myself

and not open it.
No. Don't write it anywhere.

Okay. Cool, cool,
cool, cool. Cool.

We're back in, original copy
of the Thundergirls handbook

that the other girls think
is old and outdated,

like me. High five.
GENE: Hey, Tina.

We're gonna go find shells
and make me a shell bikini.

Want to come?
Whoa!

What's with the
Thundergirls uniform?

I decided to rejoin the Thundergirls.
What? No, Tina.

You just got out.
Now you're going back in?

You're like the Brett
Favre of Thundergirls.

I couldn't stay away. I mean,
it's not for any weird reason.

It's not like there's a mole
in our troop

and I'm going undercover
to catch her or anything.

(chuckles nervously)

Wait, wait, wait. Your troop has
a mole? A thunder-mole?

What? Where'd you get that idea?

Is she giving away your cookie
secrets or something?

That's my stage name,
Cookie Secrets.

Actually, yes. To Troop 257.
But you didn't hear it from me.

Tina, you're the worst person to
go undercover to catch a mole.

You just spilled your
whole story to us.

You guys were
all over me about it!

All right, here's
what you got to do.

You got to go in there
and rattle some cages.

Grab those Thundergirls and
shake 'em till you shake out

a confession! It's me!
It's me! I'm the mole!

No, Louise. I have to go
about this delicately.

I have to make the mole
feel safe so she comes to me.

Ugh, Tina,
you so need me on this.

Do what I say
and say what I say,

and we'll have this case cracked
by dinnertime.

Louise, it's Thundergirls stuff.
You wouldn't understand.

I can handle this on my own.
You don't need to get involved.

(scoffs) Tina, please.
I'm not gonna get involved.

It's not like I'm gonna go out right
now and buy a Thundergirls uniform

and then show up
at your meeting later.

I mean, come on.
Okay, good.

Hey! I was thinking you guys
could start calling me Blom.

Because I'm blonde and I'm your mom.
Get it? (chuckles)

Mom, we're busy in here.

Hey, don't talk
to Blom like that.

Thank you, Gene.

Okay, Tina. You're back.

I mean, you're not back.
You're here to find the mole.

I mean, maybe sing some songs
and make some s'mores.

But mostly to find the mole.

Hey, good to see the braid
trains are still running.

Tina, come on in.
Look who's back, everyone.

Hey, guys. It's your cool, young,
hip friend Tina. Can you dig it?

You can take my place on the braid train.
I have to get snack ready.

I hope you all like chips
with guaca-mole.

Ginny, did you know that the last
chip in the bowl is 93% skin cells?

Ugh, yes, Jodi.

This is nice. Oh, hey,
should we play a game

where we tell each other
our deepest, darkest secrets?

Just kidding. I mean,
unless you want to.

(door shuts) LOUISE: Room for one
more on that Thundertrain?

Huh?
Oh. Hi.

Are you... Nobody told me...
I-I don't have any...

Paperwork? Don't worry about it, honey.
My lawyer's sending it over.

Meet your newest, greenest,
preteenest Thundergirl, me.

No! I mean, welcome.
Thank you.

Louise, I can't believe you
joined my Thundergirls troop.

I told you I had everything
under control.

Also, your sash is
a disaster. (grunts)

(sighs) That was
driving me crazy.

Tina, forget about the stupid sash.
We've got a mole to catch, girl!

You and I are the mole patrol.

(mimicking siren)
Come on! Do it!

Beep, beep. No, l...
Look at my mouth.

(mimicking siren)

Let's just get down to business.

All right, here's what we know:

Troop 119 has a mole who is giving
away secrets to Troop 257.

GENE: Mm. - So, which one of you
is sabotaging our cookie sales?

Katie. She's in honors math.
LOUISE: Or...

she's an evil genius.
Ooh.

TINA: Julie.
She's kind of a motor mouth.

LOUISE: Is she yapping
about troop secrets? Hmm?

TINA: Rena.
She's a little on the short side.

But maybe she's telling tall tales.
Mm-hmm.

TINA: Jodi. She wears rubber gloves
because she's a major germophobe.

Or so she won't leave
any fingerprints behind.

(gasps) And finally there's Molly.
She's double-jointed.

Or a double-crosser.

TINA: Any one of them
could be the mole.

But who? GENE:
Look at this suspicious character.

Gene...
Just let me into your world!

(sighs) Fine. You...
go through everyone's trash, okay?

Dig around. Look for...
Half-eaten sandwiches?

No, clues!
They're not mutually exclusive!

So we all agree, a surgical mole removal
and no one gets hurt. Right, Louise?

Yeah, we all agree.
But what if I just did this?

Ah! Ah! And now we shoot them.

Just kidding. I kind of thought
that'd be more fun.

Let's go trip Dad.

♪ So blonde, so delicate
and blonde. ♪

(sultrily): Here are your buns, Mr. Belcher.
Why are you calling me Mr. Belcher?

- Don't say 'cause I'm your boss...
- 'Cause you're my boss...

- And you're my sexy assistant.
- And I'm your sexy assistant.

Yes. I'm gonna take off all my clothes
and wait for you in the walk-in.

I don't think
that's a good idea to...

(Linda whoops)
Ow! That hit my eye.

LINDA: Yes, it did.
It really hurts.

(groans) Let me look at it,
you big baby.

Oh! I'm the blonde nurse!
No. No, no.

It's World War II.
You got shot in the eye. No.

The chemistry between us
is smoldering. Oh, my God.

Let me see it. This...
The fantasy doesn't work.

Why? I-I feel like if
I got shot in the eye,

I would want you to help my eye.
And my brain.

Well, I don't know. I'm not
a freaking doctor. I'm a nurse, Bob.

Well, can you get a doctor?
'Cause I need a doctor. Oh, wait.

(deep male voice): Uh, I'm a doctor.
No. Not...

Uh, let me look at that over here.
Oh, my God.

How are your bracelets coming along, girls?
Fine. Good. Fine.

I'm giving my bracelet
to my new baby sister.

She's so cute and she
has almost no jewelry.

I'm giving mine to Katie.
I'm giving mine to Julie.

Jinx! (chuckles) Jinx!
(chuckles)

(groans) I mean... (laughs)

(quietly): Okay,
time to put the plan into action.

Phase one: Get them to trust me.

That's a pretty bracelet, Julie.
Thanks!

Okay, phase one complete.
Phase two: Turn everyone

against each other until the mole
is flushed out. Wait, what?

Katie told me she thinks
your bracelet's ugly.

Huh?
(scoffs)

Oh, no.
Oh, yes.

♪ ♪

(indistinct arguing)

Okay, I found
some pretty cool stuff,

and I've organized
everyone's trash into piles.

Whose trash is that? Jodi's.

Hmm. Interesting.
It's all interesting.

Each pile tells a story.

For example, last night,
Rena had chicken. The end.

Louise! Everyone in
Troop 119 hates each other.

This is exactly what
I was worried about.

I believe what you're trying to say
is, "Thank you. Thank you, Louise,

for helping me smoke
out the mole."

Louise, you're going
to destroy the troop!

Why do you care so much
about the troop, anyway?

They rejected you, remember?

Troop 119 shaped me
into the woman I am.

I thought
your underwear did that.

Tina, we tried things your way.
No, we didn't.

I did in my head,
and it didn't work.

You'll thank me later
when we remove the mole.

Changing subject. Be honest,
do I look like a Jessica?

This is nice.

Wait. Where's Louise?
And where's Jodi?

Katie, will you watch my lanyard?
I'll be right back.

(whispers):
Let's mess with her lanyard.

I know you know something.

Tell me, or the glasses
get a swirly!

I don't know what
you're talking about!

And I can't see
what you're doing!

I'm holding your glasses
over the toilet!

(screaming)

Louise! Sorry, Jodi. Let me
get your glasses back for you.

(exhaling) Wait,
now what are you doing?

Just that thing where I
breathe on the lenses

and wipe them off with my shirt.
(screaming)

I was just about to break her!

You're causing too much trouble!

At least I'm doing something.

While you're making lanyards,
whatever those are,

I'm the one
doing the dirty work.

No more dirty work, Louise.
I think... (sighs)

I think you
should leave the troop.

Wha... What about mole patrol?!
I'm shutting it down.

(slowing): Wee-ooh-wee-ooh.

That was the sound of
the siren shutting down.

Okay, fine, I will leave.
That's a great idea!

Oh, it is?
Oh, yeah!

So no hard feelings?
Nope!

GINNY: All right, everyone, let's
make milk carton bird feeders.

One last milk carton
bird feeder for the road?

Good-bye!
Bye. See you at home.

Which one of you lucky
mamajammas wears a size 14 boot

and isn't all hung up
about having one for each foot?

Ugh. Gene, what are you wearing?

Trash fashion.
I call it trashion.

We should probably get
you a tetanus shot.

Belcher residence.

Tina, can you tell Mom and Dad

I'll be late for dinner?
My meeting's running long.

I hope Mom
doesn't get too upset.

Oh, okay.
Wait, what meeting?

Oh, just a troop meeting.
You know how it goes.

Got it. Oh, yeah, yeah.
What troop?

Troop 257, Tina.
You joined Troop 257?

No, Louise, you can't do that.
They're the enemy troop.

Too late.
Got to go. Bye-bye!

Hello? Louise?

Let's get to know
our newest member.

Troop 2-5-7!
Whoo!

You guys are the fun-dergirls
over here, am I right?

Good start, good start.

GIRL: New girl,
I didn't catch your name.

Alanis.
Where'd you say

you moved from again?
New York, New York.

Oh, my cousin...
Not the one in New York.

New York, New York,
Michigan. Oh.

Hey, so what are we
doing, making bracelets?

Bracelets?

(laughter)

Girls, why don't you do
some wood carving today?

(laughs): Okay! What
are we whittling?

Well, you could whittle
a bear or a heart...

We're whittling knives!

(laughing):
You girls and your knives!

Hey, guys, sorry... I had
to stay late at school.

We had a bullying
lesson. From me.

(blowing three raspberries)

GIRLS: 2-5-7!

What the hell was that?
Our handshake.

Love it or lick it, snurb.

Hey, I love it already, snurb.

(blows raspberry)
No, it's like this.

(blowing three raspberries)

GIRLS: 2-5-7!

Aah! That's awesome!
Do it again!

All right.
Rock and roll.

(blowing three raspberries)

(laughs): Oh, girls.

GIRLS: 2-5-7!

How's it going? Any leads yet?
I did some research

on good places to
go on our retreat.

I thought we could all spend some time
together, talk, create a safe environment.

We don't have time
to create a safe environment!

Ginny, I couldn't help but notice
it smells kind of moldy in here.

And so I have a couple names
of really good mold people...

Oh! Not now, Jodi!

I'll just... I'll leave
the list over here.

I brought you back in here
to do a job.

My duct tape wallet
got stuck in my hair.

Well, then cut your hair, Rena!
Okay.

The cookie deadline
is next week.

If we don't catch the mole
before then, this troop is done!

Uh...

what do I do, what do I do?

I'm sorry, Thundergirls,
I've let you down.

Maybe Louise was right...
I don't have what it takes.

I'm just a washed-up
old Thunderhag!

(frustrated grunt)

(gasps) Son of a bitch.

LINDA:
♪ La, la, la-la, la, la blonde ♪

♪ La-la, la, la, la, blonde... ♪

Lin, you've messed up this order.
Blonde?

That's the third time today
you've got an order wrong,

and we've only had three customers.
Blonde?

Yeah, and I found a bunch of
cheese slices in the cash register.

Oh. Uh-oh. I think being
blonde is making me dumb.

Uh, no, it's that you
haven't paid attention

to anything else
but your hair since you dyed it.

No, really, I feel kind of dumb.

Well, you are kind of dumb. Bob!

I'm kidding.
I am kidding.

You're very smart.
Oh, see?

I don't get kidding anymore.
GRETCHEN: Linda?

Who's that brown-haired beauty
spinning around in your restaurant?

Who's that girl?
It's m... Whoa!

Oh. GRETCHEN:
I really am dizzy, I really...

Oh, boy. Help me up, please.
Oh, my God.

Gretchen, you're a brunette now?

I'm like the Tina Fey
of my salon now.

Everyone thinks I'm
so smart and funny.

Really? Yeah.
So, how's it going, James Blonde?

Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Uh, that's one of my jokes.

You might not get it 'cause you're
blonde. I do get it, Gretchen.

I think.
Well, I'm off to the library

to pick up smart guys.
Good-bye, Gretchen.

Real quick, Bob, what do you
think of the hair? I changed it.

I know. Yep.
Good-bye, Gretchen!

You know what they say...
once you go brown. Bye!

Louise.

Tina. Nice sash...
except for the numbers on it.

Nice detective work... except
for not catching the mole.

By the way, I'm heading
to a meeting right now.

A huge cookie lead just came in.

So I guess I got to go solve
this thing all by myself.

Well, say hi to 257 for me.
But don't, because I hate them.

I mean, "hate" is
a strong word, but...

Okay, while you're finishing that
thought, I'm gonna go catch the mole.

Thundergirls forever!
Thundergirls forever.

We're 2-5-7!
GIRLS: Tell 'em!

What do we do with cookies?
GIRLS: Sell 'em!

And what do we do
with seat belts?

GIRLS: Shut up!
Okay, I'll-I'll just drive slow.

Fingers in!

(blowing three raspberries)

2-5-7!

How'd we find out
about this cookie lead?

Huh? I'm just curious.

I mean, you guys seem
to have a lot of leads.

We're here!

Oh, no.
You know this place?

This place? Blech!
Yeah, I got food poisoning here.

Gross! You know what? I can't even go in.
I'm gonna, like, throw up.

What are you talking about, Alanis?
You've got to help carry cookies.

(sighs) Fine. Be right there.
Just got to adjust my sash.

Aw, it's... does anybody's sash
just choke you?

No.

Hi, Thundergirls.

Are you the cookie buyer?

No... yeah... no. What?

You wanted to buy
500 boxes of cookies?

Uh, no, we didn't.

I'll take 'em.
Gene, no.

Fine, 70.
No, not 70.

Sign here.
450?

Don't sign that.
Just sign it. Louise?

Why are you dressed
like a Thundermummy?

Louise? Huh, you must have me
confused with someone else.

I'm Alanis.

What? Louise, what's going on? Why
do they think we want cookies?

Why do these people
keep calling you Louise?

These people happen
to be her parents.

Wait. Where's Tina?
What troop is this?

ALL: 2-5-7!

These people are her parents?
What are they saying?!

Well, bye!

Hey, look who it is.

People that I just don't even know,
because I'm not in that troop.

Louise! Tina sent us a 911 text to
meet her here. What's going on?

That's what we'd like
to know, Alanis.

What are you guys
doing here, 257?

This is our turf.
Are we rumbling, or what?

Oh, my God!
Hold on, Larissa.

Alanis is gonna tell us
what's going on.

(chuckles) There's a good
explanation for everything

that I'm gonna tell you
when I think of it outside.

Oh! Geez!
I can explain what's going on.

I know who the mole is.

(all gasping)

You guys are making banana nut fudge
cookies with macadamias now?!

Tina, what is going on?

Why did I dye my hair blonde?

I don't understand
anything anymore!

I said, I know who the mole is.
Allow me to explain.

In the original edition
of the Thundergirls handbook,

it says: "If you want
to trap a rabbit,

you don't set one trap,
you set five."

I gave all of you
a fake cookie lead,

each one at a different location on Ocean
Avenue. Then I staked out Ocean Avenue,

knowing that 257 would show
up to one of the fake leads.

I brought enough food, supplies
and toilet paper for days.

Luckily, they showed up before
I finished my first roll.

Gotcha.

That's when I texted everyone
to come meet me here. Wow!

That's impressive.
Okay, I am still lost.

So, who was it?
Let's just say

it rhymes with "Tina."

It's you?!
No, it's Rena.

(others gasp) Rena! Is that true?

(sputters) I'm not a mole!
Tina, how do we know

you didn't tell Troop
257 to come here?

This is your
family's restaurant.

Uh... oh, yeah, good point.

Yeah! Hold on a sec. I found
these in Rena's trash!

So? Those are my
old soccer cleats.

Well, they fit me perfectly,
and I'm grateful to you!

This is ridiculous. Tina's
obviously trying to frame me.

Tina?! No! No, I'm not.
I'm not framing her.

Wait, Rena.

(blowing three raspberries)

GIRLS: 2-5-7! Uh-oh.

Rena is the mole!

I was right! I knew it!
I knew it was you!

But you just accused me
on the ride over here.

Yeah, you accused me, too.
I knew it was someone!

The only thing
I couldn't figure out

was why... why'd
you do it, Rena?

(heavy sigh)
My first year as a Thundergirl

was in Troop 257...
best year of my life.

We were in a vicious cookie
turf battle with Troop 119.

Drastic measures
had to be taken.

I was selected for a very special
assignment to leave the troop I love

and pretend to love
the troop I hate.

We thought you were our friend!

All these friendship bracelets,

did they mean nothing?
You mean this arm garbage?

Larissa.

(deep, strained grunting)

(deep yell)

Geez. I thought Tina took this
Thundergirl stuff seriously.

You guys are intense. Yeah.
You're like Linda Hamilton

when she does
all those angry pull-ups.

Let's hear it for Tina!

GIRLS: Yay!

Ugh! Come on.
Let's get out of here.

Oh, wait!
We want to buy your cookies!

GIRLS: No!
Oh, right, right. No.

With these glasses, my garbage
ensemble is complete. It's good.

I can't believe I'm gonna
say this, but I love it.

One man's trash is
Gene's next outfit.

Pick me out something
next time you go.

What do you like to smell like?
Mm, surprise me.

Well, another great
Thundergirls meeting.

Look... I got a "wise owl" patch

for demonstrating the wisdom
of an older Thundergirl.

Got to hand it to you, T. You earned
that patch... you caught the mole

and saved the troop.
I-I know... I just said that.

So you're sticking with
the Thundergirls, huh?

I kind of hoped you were done with that
extremely long chapter of your life.

LINDA: Aw...
the mole patrol's gonna miss

hanging out with each other.
No. I mean, maybe.

(gasps) You were a little
jealous of the Thundergirls.

Taking your big sister away...
that's very insightful, Linda.

I'm back! Aah! I feel
like I could read a book!

Louise, you could always
come back to Troop 119.

Nah. Thundergirls is your bag,

and if I had to, I would
probably join Troop 257.

But if there's a murder
or a drug sting, call me.

Well, I made this
friendship bracelet for you.

Eh, you know, I'm not
really a jewelry person.

- You don't have to wear it.
- No, I'm gonna wear it forever. Back off.

GIRLS: 2-5-7!