Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 4 - Dawn of the Peck - full transcript

It is the 1st annual "Turk Tacular Turkey Town Festival and Turkey Trots" at the Wonder Wharf. Bob draws the line: if Linda, Tina, Gene and Louise choose the Festival over a family holiday, Bob will not cook Thanksgiving dinner. As Bob gets drunk and enjoys Donna Summertime, the kids enjoy the Scramble Pans ride run by Mickey. Linda joins the Turkey Trots with Teddy. No one told the Fischoeder boys about mixing turkeys with other winged creatures. Bodega Bay comes to Wonder Wharf as Linda Belcher is crowned Queen of the Peckers.

(birds squawking, gobbling)

Whoa. Those are the birds?

W-why they making that noise?

Hell if I know.

They've been screeching that way

for the last eight hours.

Where are they from?
They came

from a horrible
crappy farm, okay?

Just sign the form.
I want to get out of here.

Those birds
give me the creeps.

Come on, how bad can it be?



They're just a bunch

of cute little birdies.

They're probably hungry.

Yeah. Here you go, buddy.

You want some pretzel?

(screams)

My hand!

My hand!

Not your beautiful hand!

(shrieking)

TINA:
Whoa. Look out, everyone.

Dangerous curves ahead.

♪ Turkey trot, looking hot

♪ Do you like
these pants I got? ♪



Ha-ha! Do you?

Bob, do you?

Yes. I like them.

They're... fine.
I love them.

Wait, wait.
Let me put my belt on.

You sure you got
enough water, Mom?

Hey, you got to stay hydrated.

Plus, look how little they are!

So tiny. Aw!

Ooh, can't wait
to get out there.

500 live turkeys
running with us.
Mm.

It's gonna be like the running
of the bulls but cute and safe!

Mm-hmm.

And we'll be on the
half-priced rides

having full-priced fun.

Dad, are you still mad at us

for going to the festival?

Mad!? No, I'm thrilled!

Because you were kind of
mad the other day.

What?
No, I was... I wasn't.

Oh, right! 'Cause that's
what Thanksgiving is for,

running around with a bunch
of birds and going on rides!

Well, fine! Go!
But you know what?

I'm not making dinner!

He's taking this pretty well.

No, you're crying!

I just calmly said
that if you all go

to Fischoeder's dumb
festival instead of spending

the day here, I will
not be making dinner.

Day off for old Bob.

No big deal.
No big deal!

The turkey baster
is in the drawer,

probably pretty happy
not to work, and so am I.

All right, come on.
Don't want to be late

for the Turk-tacular Turkey
Town Festival and Turkey Trot.

(kids cheer)
(whoops)

Fine! You all go have
a Turk-tacular time.

So, we'll bring home
some Chinese food?

Yup! Or whatever you want

for Thanks...
I mean, regular dinner.

Okay, don't start a
brothel while we're gone.

Just kidding, you can.

And no making a fort
out of the couch cushions.

Just kidding, you can.

But don't turn
that fort into a brothel.

Just kidding, you can.

Oh, my God, just...

I mean,
it's illegal, but...

I know. Just leave.

Nice stems!

Thank you. I'm wearing hose
to compress my varicose veins.

Teddy! I didn't know
you were gonna run.

Oh, I'll probably walk.

I just wanted
to see the turkeys.

I worked on a turkey ranch
one summer, when I was 14.

I learned a lot about life.

And a lot about turkey feces.

Sounds like
a magical summer, Teddy.

Now let's hit the rides!

We're not gonna get whiplash
just standing here!

Good luck, Mom.

Bob at home, cooking away?

Nah. He's boycotting
Thanksgiving this year.

(gasps) What?
Yeah.

But Bob loves Thanksgiving.

I know. He's mad

that we all wanted
to come here instead of sitting

around on the couch all day,
waiting for food.

Poor Bob.
What a tragedy.

Well, the real tragedy
is that I don't have

time to get nachos
before we start.

You know what? Maybe I do.

So, I say we start
on the Scramble Pan

and work our way back
through Violent Mountain

and then the Bruise Cruise.

I wouldn't mind a trip
on the Tickle Boat.

But, Gene,
they closed it, remember?

That guy died.

Oh, right.

But what a way to go!
Yeah.

Scramble Pan it is!

This is... great?

Not celebrating Thanksgiving
is kind of great.

I like it. I'm alone.

I can do whatever I want.

I could sit in my not-usual spot
on the couch.

I could even cross my legs,
and no one would make fun of me.

Felix?
Yes?

Have all the turkeys been fed?

We aren't going
to have a repeat

of the unfortunate
finger nibbling incident?

No, Calvin.
The turkeys are fine.

And the chickens.
And the ducks.

And the geese.
"Geese"?

You were supposed to get
500 turkeys, Felix!

You had one thing to do!

- One!
- I tried!

Turkeys are scarce right now,
for some reason!

Oh, I wonder why
that could be!

Oh, I'm sorry
I let you down again

by buying a bunch of
dangerous birds that...

(amplified):
(gasps) Oh, my God!

The mic is on.

- Hi!
- Oh, ho!

I hope you all enjoyed
those Thanksgiving jokes

we were just making.

(both laugh uncomfortably)

A little light
Thanksgiving humor.

Oh, I love humor.
I do love to laugh!

Now, on behalf of myself
and my brother Calvin,

we'd like to welcome you
all to the first annual

Turk-tacular Turkey
Town Festival!

All right!

Is everybody ready

for some poultry in motion?

(gobbling)

Those birds don't sound right.

Hey, Regular Sized Rudy.
I didn't know

you were a scramblin' man.

I'm not usually,
but since my parents

are divorced,
I gotta have two dinners,

so I'm trying to make myself
throw up breakfast.

One time I had two dinners

because Ollie was
too sick to eat his.

I had malaria!

Let's quit yakkin'
and get crackin'!

Mickey, come on,
let's do this!

Set it to maximum!

Okay, hold onto your heads
like this

so your necks won't break!

And now, the beginning
of a new Thanksgiving tradition

that's fun for the whole family.

The Running of the Turkeys...
etcetera.

On your mark... get set...

go!

(gobbling)

(crowd clamoring)

(laughing)

Ow!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Linda! Run! Run!

Run!
(woman screams)

Oh. Oh...

(runners screaming, clamoring)

Pretty good, pretty good.

I'll try right over left now.

Mm, yup, yup.

Also good.

(runners yelling, clamoring)

(man screams, chicken squawks)

Oh, ah, no! Birds!
Birds! Birds! Birds!

Excuse me! Excuse me!
Make way, make way!
Sorry. Hey...

Coming through!
Here we go, pardon us.

(panting)
Oh!

(squawking)

(Linda grunting)

(yelling)

(groans)

What...? What happened?

Aah! I'm short and wiggly!

Ooh!
I'm tall and wiggly.

Oh, oh, it's a fun mirror.

It's a fun mirror.

Aah!

Linda! Aah!

Linda, it's me, Teddy!
From your town!

Teddy?
Wha-What's going on, Teddy?

How did I get in here?

When the birds attacked,
most people got away,

but you got knocked out by this
freaky one-eyed cyclops turkey.

So I picked you up
and carried you here.

- Whoa! How long have I been out?
- A lot's changed.

We don't have to start
repopulating the Earth yet,

but eventually we might
have to do just that.

- I don't know...
- Teddy!

How long have I been in here?

- Five, maybe six minutes.
- Oh.

Oh, my God, the kids!

Where are the kids?!

But I'm a vegan! Aah!

LOUISE: Ugh! I can't believe
Mickey left us here!

Those birds are
getting awfully close.

I hope they don't have
tickets for this ride!

We got to get off this thing.
Andy, Ollie, you seem

like you're up
for a challenge of getting

off the ride
and shutting it down.

We'll try anything.

Yeah! I tried shrimp
at my aunt's house!

Great. Go get 'em!

(both grunting)

Oh, what happened?

We travelled through time!

I guess I'll give it a whirl.

Literally.

(grunting)
...whoa!

Hey. Welcome back.

We're gonna die
like we were born.

Spinning around in an egg!

That really
makes you think.

This is great.

Don't have to keep

getting up to baste.

Baste not, want not.

You get it?

Yes.

I don't have to storm
the Baste-ille.

Eh. Get it?

Kind of.

It was a prison in France.

The Bastille, and I said
"Baste-ille."

Oh.

I'm here live at the wharf

where today's Turkey Trot

turned into turkey terror.

What exactly happened
in there today?

I assure you
it wasn't that bad, really.

I mean, people overreacted,
that's all.

Those birds went crazy, man!

They tried to kill us!
(grunting)

Hey!
That man is clearly insane.

You saw his outfit!

So, you closed the gates
to keep the birds in?

That's right.
Their wings are clipped.
Mm-hmm.

That means
that they're contained.

But what about the people?

Was anyone left inside?

No, that would be
a PR nightmare.

Which we are not having today.

No, thank you.

No, today was nothing less

than a total success.

There's your headline!
Yes.

Write that down.

We're on live television.

Then make it into a graphic.

A fun one that spins in.

(whooshing)

Total success!

- Yeah.
- We'll get right on that.

Okay. Well, that went well.

Yes. I think it did, too.

Should we go home for dinner?

- Yes, I am starving.
- Yeah.

Did everyone get out,
by the way?

- Uh... no. No, no.
- Ooh.

I mean, they were screaming
when I closed the gates,

so I don't think so.
(laughs)

But who's gonna
believe them, right?

Oh, ooh, we're still recording!

- Oh, dear Lord!
- Well, look at that.

- Yep.
- Happened twice now.

Oh... well.

Look at 'em.

Where'd they come from,
poultry prison?

Yeah, this is bad.

Their pecking order's
all messed up.

What? "Pecking order"?
What are you talking about?

Every turkey group
has one guy

who can peck everyone,
then the guy below him

who can peck everyone
except for the top guy,

and so on until the sad sack
who can't peck anyone.

Oh, that's terrible--
it's like

the ladies on The View.

Yeah, with all these birds

and people mixed in,
they don't know what to do.

They're pecking everything!
It's chaos!

Well, we still got
to go find the kids.

Let's just tiptoe
past them. Ready?

Ready.

(both yelling,
turkeys gobbling)

Run!

(both grunting, panting)

It's him-- Cyclops!

That's the one who
knocked you down earlier.

Oh, God, he hates me!

(gasps)
Oh, my God!

- I know what's happening!
- What?

We rejected Thanksgiving
and now it's attacking us!

That's crazy, Lin-- these
turkeys are just all mixed up.

They were keeping them
with other birds.

It's biology, not hocus pocus.

Oh, I love that movie!

Oh, how are we ever
gonna find the kids?

MICKEY (over P.A.):
They're on the Scramble Pan.

Oh, my God!
The birds have learned to talk!

No, no!

- It's me, Mickey.
- Mickey? Mickey?!

The kids are on
the Scramble Pan?

What? I-I can't hear you.

- I said the...
- Turn on your microphone.

- What?
- Here.

(amplified over P.A.):
Uh, da....

My kids are on
the Scramble Pan?

Yeah, I, uh, saw them.

As I was leaving them there,

and, uh, running
over here to hide.

You abandoned my kids?

Eh... sort of.

But, uh, you know,
they're safer on the ride,

so I kind of did the right
thing, if-if you think about it!

(gobbling, squawking)

Oh, man.

You can only eat
an animal for so long.

It's the turkeys time
to rule the Earth now.

We had our chance
and we blew it.

No, it's the pecking order!

It's the spirit of Thanksgiving!

- That's crazy talk!
- Don't call me crazy.

- That's not crazy talk.
- Guys, guys, guys, guys!

- I didn't say you were crazy.
- We got to stop fighting!

We're turning on each other.

This is exactly what they want!

We gotta get
the kids, Mickey.

You gotta come with us.

We need your help
to turn off the ride.

I would love to do that, Linda.

But I'm actually
really comfortable here,

hiding in these stuffed animals.

I just feel safe
with these guys, I'm sorry.

- That looks nice.
- Oh!

That gives me an idea!

Mickey, we're coming over!

Hey, daytime whiskey.

Want to meet my CD collection?

I feel like you guys
would hit it off.

Donna Summer?

It's Summer time.

(slow, sultry pop intro plays)

DONNA SUMMER:
♪ Dim all the lights,
sweet darling ♪

♪ 'Cause tonight
it's all the way ♪

♪ Hey, baby ♪

♪ Turn up the old Victrola ♪

♪ Gonna dance
the night away... ♪

Gene, Tina, Louise!

Hey, wait,
is that Mom?

Yes! She said
my name first!

Mom! Help!

- All right, Mickey,
turn it off.
- Can do.

Oh, shoot-- I threw
the key into the ocean.

- You what?
- I didn't want the
birds to get it.

We can't let this technology
fall into their hands.

Is there another way
to turn it off?

Wait! There's a drunk operator
override switch on the ride!

- What?!
- MICKEY: All the rides
in the park have them.

In case the operator gets
drunk and goes on the ride,

leaving no one
to turn it off.

Oh, smart.

Okay, here I go.

Just like turning
off a bicycle.

Oh, God, I'm gonna barf.

Guys, I can do this.

Oh, God.

So dizzy.

Oh, God, this is bad.

Aah...

So nauseous!

Whoa...

Seriously?!

We've been on this thing
for a freaking hour,

and no one's barfed.
Gene even had a snack.

Looks like it's up to Mama.

(Linda retches)

Holy moly, this thing
cannot be safe for children.

But you adults seem to be
doing really well with it!

If only I had something to throw
at the switch.

Oh, my God.

My water babies.
(gags)

Good-bye, baby bottle.

Little Karen.

LINDA:
Okay, no problem.

I-I got nine more.

Okay, this is the last one.

Little Timmy,
you were always my favorite.

Please let
someone else do it.

I can do it!

(buzzes)
- Yay!
- Nice!

Way to go, Rudy!

Rudy-- one, asthma--
zer... (gasps)

Are you okay,
my babies?

Yep, I'm probably
always gonna move

in little circles
like this, though.

Uh-oh.

Looks like we've
got company.

Bad company.

And not the band!

Probably.

(gobbling, squawking)

(siren wailing)

Everyone relax,
we're here.

Those birds are crazy--
look what one of them

did to my nightstick.

Please step aside.

Let us take care
of this, all right?

Who's in control?

- Animal Control!
- Animal Control!

Open 'em up!

(screaming)

DONNA SUMMERS:
♪ It's all the way ♪

BOB (singing along):
♪ Oh, baby

♪ Turn on that old Victrola

♪ Gonna dance the night--
it's so bright ♪

♪ Okay, here we go! ♪
(siren whoops)

LINDA:
Oh, God, we're surrounded.

REGULAR SIZED RUDY: Who wants
to be in charge of my epi-pen?

I'm allergic to
geese and ducks!

I will not invite you to my
duck-duck-goose party, then.

Understood.

(whooping, hollering)

LINDA: Teddy,
what are you doing?

I'm whooping
and hollering.

This is how
I used to get the turkeys

to follow me on the farm.

(whoops)

Save yourselves.

(hollers)

Honor my memory, Linda!

- Remember my name!
- Teddy!

Don't try
to stop me, Louise.

I just remembered your name,
it's Teddy!

Right.

I'll never forget
his incredible legs.

They looked
like hotdogs.

We have to get
to the front gate.

Help must be
there by now.

Whew! Great dancing, Bob.

Time to reward myself
with some beer.

Oh, hello, uh, turkey baster.

How-how-how are you?

Good, good.

Uh, yeah, good.

I-I-I'm doing really good.

Yeah.

That's funny, I was just, uh...

I was, I was...
just talking about you.

Uh, well, uh...

It was good to see you.

I-I should get back to...

Yeah, it was...
(chuckles)

It was nice to see you.

You look great.

(grunts)

What? I-I...

I-I-I see you, okay?

You-You've made your point.

Fine.

(chuckles)

Is this what you want?

A-Are you happy now?

Yeah, yeah? That good?

Do you want it to come out?

You want to do this right now?
You want to do this right now?

That's a cl... that's classic.

That's classic you,
turkey baster!

Classic you.

Not fitting in the drawer.

Deliberately not!

(laughs)
That's great.

Oh, come on.

Don't look at me like that,
turkey baster.

Don't look at me like that.

I... I didn't want this!

You think I wanted this?!

But I didn't!

I didn't.

This isn't what I wanted.

I-I never wanted
to be apart from you.

It was all an act.

It was... it was a lie.

(sniffles)

Oh, God.

That's so much snot.

(sniffles)

You know what?

I'm gonna do it.

You're right, turkey baster.

I'm Bob.

I make dinner.

It's not too late.

The grocery store's open
for another hour.

We can still do this!

Let's go! Let's go!

Get up!

Get... I can't get...
Oh, my God!

I... (straining)

Let's get up, drunk!

I am dizzy!

I'm really dizzy.

Oh, my God.

I gotta sit down.

Give us... give us a minute.

COP:
Please remain indoors.
(siren whooping)

I repeat, there's been
a poultry-based disturbance.

Please remain indoors.

Poultry!

Oh, come on!

Everyone, get
behind there.

(moans)
There's no one here.

No one came for us.
(moans)

No one even cared.

(moans)

We're all gonna die here.

We're all gonna die.
(gibbers)

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Thank you.

Well, I've decided
to go join the birds.

I eat lots of bread already,
and I'm tired of fighting.

Good-bye.

I'll miss you,
but I understand.

(motor rumbles)
What is that?

I know that sound.

Wait a minute...

It can't be.

It is.

The old Tickle Boat.

I hope you guys
aren't ticklish.

Because of the boat...
Tickle Boat.

Son of a bitch.

I was thinking of that line
the whole way here.

Pretty good, right?

Pretty good.

Hey, can we get in?

LINDA:
We're coming, Bobby.

(chickens clucking)

"Went to store real quick.

Love forever, Bob."

That's a perfectly good note.

That doesn't sound drunk at all.

LINDA:
We're almost there.

Hey, look-- I'm giving
those birds the bird. (laughs)

Mom, Mom,
can we do it, too?

Uh, yes.

Just today,
'cause it's a holiday.

Like this.
(grunts)

(cheering)

LINDA:
Up, up, higher, higher.

Whoa...

LOUISE:
Oh, I feel it.

It's so insulting.

Never do that again.

(humming casually)

(turkeys gobbling)

This is fun, the two of us.

We should go on more walks.
(horn honking)

Happy Thanksgiving...
friendly guy.

(man shouting)

Hey, careful.

I think that guy was drunk.

Hello?

Huh, that's weird.

Okay, just gotta grab
every single thing for dinner.

That's no problem.

(turkeys gobbling in distance)

Bye, Andy.
Bye, Ollie.

Happy Thanksgiving.
Go, go, go, go, go!

I'm thankful that you
saved Ollie's life.

I'm thankful you
saved Andy's life.

Now, get out of here!

LINDA:
Bob? Bobby, we're home!

We're sorry!

We didn't mean
to leave you all alone

- on such a big...
- TINA: Dad?

If you're hiding,
that's fun.

He's not hiding.

Aw, giblets.

We're going to get Daddy
at the store.

Rudy, honey, are you
sure you don't want us

to drop you
off at home?

I'm going with you.

I kind of want to see
how this one ends.

(inhales)

Oh, sweet Rudy.

You probably won't
live to see the end.

Oh.

There you are.

The one that almost got away.

Hello.

Oh, whoa.

You're an actual turkey.

That's standing there.

And you have only one eye.

Not that that's bad.

He-he was like this
when I found him.

'Cause it's a grocery store.

W-What are you doing here?

(whispering):
Okay, everyone follow me.

(Tina moans nervously)

(Bob screaming)

- Dad!
- Run! Run!

Oh, my God,
it's Cyclops!
(Teddy shuddering)

What the hell
is happening?!

We didn't do Thanksgiving right,
and we didn't listen to you,

and now Thanksgiving's
attacking us!

- That makes sense.
- No, it's biological!

No it's the beginning
of a turkey revolution, Bob.

We got to pick sides.

Ow! He pecked me!

Holy crap, that hurts.

(nervous moaning)
Oh, God.

The final "peckoning."

Pecked!

That's it-- pecked.

I think Teddy
was right!

- I was?
- And I know what to do.

- You do?
- Teddy was right?!

(grunts)

Ow! Lin, what
are you doing?!

I'm getting to the top
of the pecking order.

Linda,
you're a genius.

- Right?
- Ow!

Damn it.
Son of a bitch.

- Ow.
- Oh!

Aah!

(yells, grunts)

Whoa, did that
actually work?

Stand back, let's see.

(gasps)
I'm the alpha turkey.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Go stuff each other.

To the Tickle Boat!

Wait, the Tickle Boat
that killed that guy?

Yeah.

Let's go.
Go, go, go, go.

- Come on, go.
- All right.

Move, move, move,
out, out, go, go, go.

BOB:
Well, everyone,

here's to us.

We've been through
so much in the last...

here's to us.

Wait, stop,
wait, wait.

Uh-huh.
I want to say:

Here is to Bob
on his favorite day.

Bob! Yes!

LOUISE:
Bob...!

- Yay, great.
- Yes!

- Thank you.
- Yes!

And here's to Linda,
queen of the turkeys.

She really knows
how to peck people.

- Yay!
- Aw...
- Hear, hear.

Queen of the Peckers.

- Aw...
- Nice.

And speaking of turkey--

who wants some?

Wait, no one wants turkey?

- Not so much.
- I just don't think
it's appropriate.

Probably never
ever again.

I can still
smell 'em, Bob.

They're inside
my mind nose.

- I'll make spaghetti.
- Yeah!

I can't have pasta,
but I'll eat a bowl of sauce.

I'll make sauce.

Fine, I'm putting on
Donna Summer, though.

Who's Donna Summer?

Oh, Rudy, you are
gonna love her.

Mmm. Mmm.

Well, Felix, should
we do the wishbone?

Yes, I guess
we shou...
(clattering)

- What was that?
- What was what?

Come do the wishbone.
Come, come on.

No, no, no.
I heard something outside.

You didn't hear that?
What was that?

Come... I wish you would
come do the wishbone.

All right...

I guess I win.
(screaming)

♪ There's been a change ♪

♪ Inside my life ♪

♪ And I just wanna
let you know ♪

♪ I've got my finger
on the trigger ♪

♪ Love is in control ♪

♪ Yeah, ho! ♪

♪ I've got my finger
on the trigger ♪

♪ I ain't lettin' go ♪

♪ Mama used to tell me ♪

♪ Girl, you better load
your gun up right ♪

♪ She said, "You, you gotta
come out smokin' ♪

♪ Hit it with your best shot
every time... ♪