Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 3 - Friends with Burger-fits - full transcript

I hope you didn't
need this jar.

We're getting
into canning.

What are you gonna can?

Farts.
Oh!

When you need one,
you don't have one.

And when you have one,
you need more!

Wash it when you're done!

Wait. If we freeze the
fart, it'll last forever!

It'll be all that's left

of the human race
when the aliens show up.

Ha-ha, aliens!



We farted on you!

Hey, let's go down and see

if we can make the walk-in
cold enough to make fartcicles.

Guess who just went
to the doctor

for his five-year checkup?
Kirstie Alley.

Me. Longest I've been
naked in three years.

Well, what'd he say?

Doctor stuff.

You know, "Your cholesterol
is off the charts."

"You absolutely must change your
eating habits, or you will die."

Anyway, one cheeseburger
and fries, please.

Maybe you should be
a little concerned, right?

You eat a burger
pretty much every day.

That-that can't be good for you.
Yeah.



Right. Don't you eat
your burgers every day?

Not every day.
Yeah. We order off-menu.

It's how we
have fun, right?

(laughs)
Kill me.

Ha-ha, that's nice.

Anyway, cheeseburger
and fries, please.

You sure you want
to ignore your doctor, Teddy?

I'm not ignoring him.
I'm just not listening to him.

(snoring)

(phone rings)

Bob's Burgers.
MAN: This is Teddy's doctor.

Let's take a look
at Teddy's heart, shall we?

Okay.

Whoa.
That's strange.

Oh, hey...
hey, that tickles!

What are you doing?

(laughs) Whoa.
Look at that.

Sick!
Can I bring that to show-and-tell?!

DOCTOR: See how disgustingly
unhealthy it is?

And it gets bigger and bigger
with every burger you serve him.

Uh...

Doctor, stop shoving
burgers into his heart!

Oh, but I'm not, Bob. You are.

Mmm! Keep 'em
coming, Bob.

Oh, God, no!
Keep 'em coming...

No!
Keep 'em coming!

It's gonna pop!
It's gonna blow!

I'm sorry, Teddy!

What? What happened?
What-what happened?

I'm killing Teddy.

What? You're gonna
kill Teddy?

All right, car's gassed up.
That's good.

Guess I could
home-school the kids 'cause...

No, Lin, the burgers are killing him.
What?

The ones I give
him every day.

Oh. Gotcha.

Good God, Linda.
You had all that ready?

What? I'm just being supportive.
Good night.

(shuddering)

Lowering the temperature
a few degrees really works.

I should have worn
my higher socks.

You guys call them pants.

Is it frozen?

Sorry, kids,
no fartsicles.

Just disappoint-sicles.

Well, this
experiment was a bust.

Aah! Stupid patch of ice!

Sorry, you're not stupid.
You're just slippery.

Hold on.

This stupid patch of ice
might actually be a genius.

(all grunting)

And tomorrow, the walk-in
goes from stinky to rinky.

Feels weird cooking
a veggie burger.

Plus, he's going to know
it's not a hamburger.

Nah, nah, Teddy'll eat whatever
you put in front of him.

Remember when he
ate that receipt?

Well, I hope you're right.

This tastes kind of funny.

You don't need to look at it.
Just eat it.

It tastes burger-ish,
but not good.

Is that what you were going for?

It's a...
(muttering): Veggie burger.

It's a what?
A veggie burger?!

Listen...
Agh! Ugh!

Why would you do that? Oh!

Why? Oh!
Teddy...

Now I can't get the taste out
of my mouth.

Ugh! Look,
I can't in good conscience

serve you a burger
every day.

I don't see you shoving a veggie
burger down Mort's throat,

and he eats a burger every day.

That's not true.
I often get the soup.

What?! You do? Soup?!

Take it easy, Teddy.

Wait. Teddy,

you eat a burger every day?

Of course I do!
That's messed-up.

You eat a lot of burgers,
Mike, the mailman!

Yeah, but I walk nine miles
a day. Look at my calves.

Wait. Don't look at my calves.
They're not that impressive.

Okay, here's
the deal, Teddy.

I'll-I'll make you soup
or salad,

but I don't think I can
serve you my burgers anymore.

You cutting me off, Bobby?

I guess I am.

You're cutting me off?!

Is this some kind
of sick joke?!

I think it's for
your own good.

You stay the hell
out of this, Mort!

Bob, if you take
your burgers from me,

I will murder you
and your mouthy wife.

What?
Huh? I'm sorry!

I don't know what I'm saying.

I'll kill you!
Give me a burger!

Teddy!
Calm... down.

You calm down!

(groaning)
Oh, my God.

(Linda gasps) Whoa.
I will replace that.

I don't want to be alive.
I don't want to be alive!

He's handling this well.
Mm-hmm.

(alarm buzzing)
Fire! There's a fire. Fire!

No, Lin, it's
the alarm clock.

What? Snooze it.

Oh, you know the
buttons don't work.

I have to unplug it.
(mumbling)

LOUISE:
Someone unplug the alarm clock!

(buzzing stops)
Thank you!

Where are you going
so early?

I told Teddy
I'd go jogging with him.

He wants to prove to me
that he's healthy enough

to be un-cut-off
from our burgers.

Why are you running
if you don't want to?

Just tell your teacher
you have sciatica.

I think it's sweet
you're helping your best friend.

Teddy's not my best friend.
Teddy thinks you're best friends.

He does?
LINDA: Sure.

EUGENE: Yup.

Wait. Who's your
best friend then?

Mm... probably
Walter Russo.

Walter Russo?!

When was the last time
you talked to Walter Russo?

(yawns) I don't know,
like, six years ago.

Bob, you see Teddy
every day.

Yeah, but Teddy's not
my best friend, Lin.

He's my best customer.

There's a big difference.

And I really value
that 30 inches

of Formica that's between us.

Are you talking about
your dingdong, Daddy? Brag.

Yeah, well, off to take
my best customer jogging

so his heart
doesn't explode.

All right, have fun.

LOUISE:
Are you all in bed with Mom?

Yeah.
Mm-hmm.

Coming up,
coming up.

(Louise hums)

Oh, our little
seal platform.

(sighs)

(ringing)
What is that?

My alarm clock.
Got to go.

(gasps)
Oh! Uh, we gotta go

check on... nothing!

Oh, yeah, maybe
the nothing's ready!

Aw. (mumbling)

(gasps)

It's... perfect.

Huh? Look how
high my knees are!

(panting loudly)
I'm in great shape.

Great enough
for one burger?

I don't think so, Teddy.
Oh.

Should we call the cops?

Some kind of
early morning gang brawl?

Wait... I-I think
they're fake fighting.

Excuse me. What-what's
going on over there?

It's called stuntman boot camp.

I'm in the best shape
of my life.

You're a stuntman?
No. I just train like one.

You should check it out.

(hooting) BOTH: Whoa.

Grenade!
(yelling)

And another grenade! (yelling)

Got to admit, that
looks kind of cool.

Sort of cool.

Well, that guy
doesn't look cool.

All right, great
"grenadies," everybody.

Now, don't forget to
sign up for the intensive,

weekend-long, stuntman
boot camp in the woods.

Where you might learn
how to do this.

Go ahead. Now this is actually
a ten-story burning building,

and I'm on fire.

Ow! On fire!
Oh, wow.

I'm on fire! I'm on fire!
So much fire!

Falling and rolling
like you're on fire

burns as many calories
as running, people.

That is why, pound for pound,

stuntmen are the greatest
athletes in the world.

Up top!

Huh. I thought
it was golfers.

It's not golfers?

Holy frozen nips!

Look at this place!

It's so slippery!

(stammering)

Yeah, we like it.

It's all right, I guess.

So, what do you
do down here?

Well, we've experimented
with lots of stuff. We tried

curling.
TINA: We tried lying

on the ice.
That was refreshing.

Some of us didn't like it
as much as others,

but we respect their opinions.

LOUISE:
And ice fishing.

GENE:
We did not get a bite.

In the end,

the most fun thing
to do is this!

(groaning)
Whoa!

So... pushing?

Ice pushing.

It all makes sense!

Hi, Andy. Hi, Ollie.

Hi, Louise and Gene
and Tina's mom!

Louise said to say
we're meeting

in the basement
for homework club.

Okay. Have fun.

Homework club?!

Oh, my God, they're doing drugs
to each other!

Push me till
I feel something, Zeke!

Well, well, well.

Mom! Hey, uh, uh, we were
just all getting...

a-a head of...
Yeah?

A head of lettuce. Mom, you didn't
happen to look down, did you?

As a matter of fact, I'm looking
down right now, Tina. (groaning)

And... it's amazing!

Oh, God, look at it shimmer!

It's frozen water!

They call it "ice," and
it's gonna change the world!

If you're gonna be pushing
each other on the ice like this,

you need to be wearing...
Helmets. I know.

I've been a broken
record about it.

No! Costumes!

Glitzy ones
with sequins!

I want to be the bad boy of
ice pushing like Elvis Stojko!

And I want to be the bad boy
of public radio,

like Elvis Mitchell!

I'll go get the costumes.

Ooh, and don't
tell your father.

We won't if you won't!
Got to love that woman.

(food sizzling)

Hey, Lin.
Whoa!

Where-where...
where are you going? What?!

What...? What? Nowhere.
What's this stuff?

What? What are we doing?
We're making burgers?

Let's do it.
Let's go.

What's this?
This is to-go?

Hey, buddy, catch! I-I got this.
Geez, Lin.

Here you go.

Hey, there,
Teddy.

One veggie burger, please.

I just got to use
the restroom real quick.

Hmm. You ever see Teddy
with a briefcase before?

Only in that one play.

I forgot about that.

Put the coffee down!

Coffee is
for closers only!

Teddy, what are
you doing in there?

TEDDY:
Washing my hands or something.

I can hear you chewing.
You're chewing a burger.

(gasps) Did you get
that guy to buy you a burger?!

No, I'm just
checking the bathroom

to see that it's not leaking.
(munching)

He's eating!
Teddy, stop eating.

(crying): You don't know
how hard this is for me.

I paid that guy $300
to buy me this burger.

Come on, Teddy,
you owe it to yourself.

No, I don't.
Okay. Well, then do it for me.

Ah, you're just helping me
because you feel guilty.

That's not why.

Yeah, it is.
Admit it, Bobby.

No, it's not.
Admit it!

Teddy, it's because...
you're my friend.

Your best friend!
I didn't say...

Besties.
Linda.

Really, Bob? (sniffles)
We're best friends?

I mean...

♪ Best friends
till the very end! ♪ Lin.

♪ He crashes on your couch
when he loses his job ♪

♪ A guy pulls a knife,
and you jump in front ♪

What?!

♪ You take the blade
right in the gut! ♪

Oh, my God.
Ow!

♪ Then he holds your hand
till the medic comes... ♪

Linda, thank you.

You son of a bitch.
Get in here, bestie.

Oh. Okay. You got it. (grunts)

You got it.
Yeah.

♪ You... feed him soup
when he breaks his jaw ♪

♪ You help him pee
when he has that thing ♪

♪ He's your best friend... ♪

(Teddy laughs)

(organ plays on TV)
Ah, hockey.

Well, I-I guess it's time to hit
the hay, huh? (phone ringing)

Bup-bup-bup-bup, hold on, hold on.
What? What?

I got to take this. Hello.

Really? We got in?

Ha, ha! How about that.

Okay, hey, we'll see you
in the morning.

Tremendous news!

Remember how you said that
stuntman boot camp was cool?

You... didn't sign us up
for that, did you?

Better! I signed us up
for the intensive weekend

boot camp retreat
in the woods!

What? You did?
Yup, the whole weekend.

So I'd watch the restaurant,
the walk-in,

everything in the walk-in,
and you'd be gone?

Huh?
Ah, nothing.

And it's two to a cabin, so you
and me will be roomie-caboomies!

I don't know, Teddy.

That, um, doesn't sound
like something I want to do.

What?! You've always wanted
to do stunts in the woods.

Yeah. Get the
hell out of here!

Yeah, go for it, Dad.
Do it!

Though you've already pulled off
the toughest stunt of all...

raising three great kids. Yeah.

Come on, Bobby.
My treat!

Okay, I'll go.
That's, um...

Thanks. Aw, it's nothin'.
Well, not nothin'.

I won't have electricity
for three months.

But yay!

TEDDY: ♪ He crashes on
your couch when he loses his job ♪

Okay... ♪ He helps you pee
when you've got that thing ♪

Okay, that's great. ♪ He hates
squirrels 'cause you hate squirrels ♪

Please stop.
♪ He's your best friend ♪

♪ Your best friend... ♪

There's gonna be a lot
of exercise this weekend.

So take it easy, okay?

You're not in the best shape,
you know. I know, best buddy.

Okay. Now I need everybody to
breath out stress... Mm-hmm.

(exhales) ...breath in stunts.
Stunts.

Congratulations, you've now
got stunts inside of you.

Now we're gonna get
cracking and roll down

these stairs here.
So everybody knows

that falling down
a flight of stairs

is the same as doing 100 sit-ups.
Really? We're doing this?

You're a mid-level drug dealer
in an apartment stairwell.

Cameras are rolling.
Bang! You've been shot. Uh...

Action! Action, man!
Go! You got to go!

Go! This is a go.
That's you, Bobby.

That was a go.
Go, go, go go, go...!

What? Wait a... Aah!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow.
Wow! That was terrible!

Wait, have you done any of
your morning melees in the park?

No!
Oh!

Well, then you could
really get hurt.

LINDA:
Welcome to the Freezer-Dome!

Whoever wins this whole shebang
takes this baby home!

KIDS: Ooh. It's beautiful.

Aw. You all look so cute.

Everyone got their pillows?

Everyone safe? KIDS: Yes.

Now let's rumble! If your butt
touches ice, you're dead.

Really?
No. No, you're just out, honey.

Two kids enter, one kid leaves!

KIDS:
Two kids enter, one kid leaves!

First up,
Rudy versus Louise! Go!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why am I going against Rudy?

He's a pushover, a cupcake.

What? I'm tough.

Rudy, I'm in your P.E. class.

I was there
for the kickball incident.

That was humbling.
Yeah.

Hey, it's called weight class,
cool breeze.

Deal with it. You can't hang
with the big boys, anyway.

Oh, I can't hang
with the big boys?

No, I'm gonna hang
with the big boys.

You'll see.

Look at me. Ding!

(Louise and Rudy roar)

Oh. All right, take care, buddy.

Next!

That's Mama's girl!

This is sugar
glass, everyone.

Fights often end with someone
flying through a window.

It's a staple
in action movies.

And an amazing cardio workout,
which you can incorporate

into your daily routine.
My grandmother does it.

Now, Teddy, you're looking for
the guy who kidnapped your daughter.

Bob, you're the
guy who kidnapped

his daughter.
Ooh.

You are a horrible person.

Teddy wants revenge. Go!

Wait, why am I the person
who's...

(roaring)
No!

(grunts)
Where's my daughter, punk?!

(growling) (coughs) Get...
Teddy, get off.

Get off!

Today, one of you will advance

to the Freezer-Dome
championship.

The other one will
leave in shame.

But all the losers get stickers.

Stickers of shame!

Now fight! Clank-clank!

You're going down, Zeke.

Good luck
with my low center of gravity.

I'm practically unpushoverable.

We'll see about that.

Come on, girl!
(grunting)

(muttering)
I told you

you're going...

(grunts)
...down.

Yeah! I did it! I pushed a girl

and not because I like her
and didn't know how to show it!

Oh. Sorry, sweetie.

You got to get off the ice.
Go on, get off.

Louise versus Gene!

Easy win, Gene.

I'll be waiting for you
in the finals.

Well, if he shows up
to the finals and looks like me,

that's because
it's me, Zeke!

I'm Mommy to both of you,

but let's see who wants
Mommy's love more. Ding!

I want Mom's love pretty bad,
so look out.

(grunting, gasping)

Oh, yeah?
How 'bout a little of this? (grunts)

Well, you're sturdier
than I thought.

Sturdy and purdy.

Hold on, hold on.
I got something in my eye.

(groans) Man,
it's really in there.

Gene, have a seat.
This could take a while.

No problem.
You fell for it!

Aw!
She beat you fair and square,

unfairly,
here in the Freezer-Dome!

She advances
to the finals tomorrow!

I'm coming for you, Zeke!

Bring it on!

(owl hooting)

(loud snoring)

(groans)

You've got to
be kidding me.

(snoring)

(coughing)

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

(Darnell mimicking bugle)

Wake up, stuntboys!

I'm sorry that was weird...
I don't have a bugle.

It can't be morning.
No, no, no, no, no.

Big day today! You're gonna
get chased by robots,

get set on fire... it literally
burns the calories right off.

(imitating robot beeping)

Freeze, human.

We have
apprehended you.

Beep beep. All right, time-out, time-out,
time-out. What is going on here?

Oh, my God. You don't have the mental
fortitude of someone that wants

to train to not be
an actual stuntman.

It's like you don't
even want to be here.

Because I don't!
What?!

Look, guys, I only came here
as a workout buddy

for my friend Teddy
because I felt guilty.

I mean, he's not even my friend.

What are your words
even meaning?

Listen, between you and me,

I had to say
he was my best friend

so he'd get healthy and not eat
my burgers all the time.

Oh, I sell burgers.

So he's really my best customer,

'cause all he does
is shove burgers in his mouth.

But he's not my best friend.

Oh.

Oh, my God.
Hey, Teddy.

Hey. So, uh, you just heard

all that.
And you're on fire.

Those words hurt more
than that fire.

Yeah, he's gonna be
scarred inside and outside.

And o... We should put... Put him out...
he's scarring. We should put him out.

He's starting to scar.
Yeah.

How could you lie
to me like that?!

Who says they're someone's
best friend when they're not?!

I lied because I
care about you.

Pull over here. Here!
Stop the car, Bob!

You're not the only guy
that serves burgers.

I'm gonna be a regular
at Dusty's Feedbag now, friend.

Come on, Teddy, d... Oh,

and one more thing...
three years ago,

you forgot a tomato on my burger
and I said nothing... nothing!

Teddy, don't go in there!
You don't tell me what to do!

Oh, wait, I guess
this entrance isn't open.

It's around the back.

Then just come back here.
You... Keep driving!

Is it around the side or...
Where am I? Something.

It's right there in the front, the huge
entrance. I think this door goes...

Get out of here, Bob!
I don't need your help!

Boys and girls, girls and boys,

future adults of America,

it's time for the most important
thing in the world...

the Freezer-Dome finals!

Only one of you will go home
with this!

(kids cheer)

I want that belt.
And I'm not gonna fall

for your little tricks, girl.

I wouldn't try
to trick you, Zeke.

Ding! Ow! Oh, wait, wait, wait!
I got something in my eye.

Hold on, hold on.

All right, I guess
I'll just take a seat here,

bend my little knees down...
Ha! Just kidding!

Hey, hey, you had to try. You
know why? 'Cause you're tiny!

(grunts)
Ah!

You're
home early.

What, did you
pull a hammy?

No. Long story.
Where's Linda?

Downstairs, I think.
Mike, what are you doing?

That's weird.
I'm normally over there.

I thought you were with Teddy.

Uh, he's at Dusty's Feedbag,

his new favorite restaurant.

Oh, that's not good.
Why?

You haven't heard
of the Belt Buckle Belly Buster?

They serve that there.

Belt Buckle Belly Buster?

It's a five-pound burger.

If you eat the whole thing
in a half hour,

it's free, and you get
your picture on the wall.

Oh, no, no.
No, no, no, no. Teddy!

So you said it's cool
to have more ice cream?

TINA:
You're gonna get destroyed.

Throw in the towel!
Never.

Never, never, never!

Finish her!

Why you putting up a fight,
you tiny sweet angel?

Take your medicine, girl.
Just go down.

I'm s...
I'm still totally gonna win,

so shut your mouth.

You might have beaten me,
Louise,

but blood is thicker than ice.
But not actually.

Time to unleash the beast.

(inhales)
(gagging)

Now's your chance!

(grunts)
Oh, God.

Oh, that's what killed
the dinosaurs.

That's awful. Ooh.

Zeke is down!
Louise, you win!

Yay!
♪ Everybody kiss my butt ♪

♪ Everybody kiss my butt ♪
♪ Kiss her butt ♪

♪ Everybody kiss my butt ♪
♪ Everybody kiss her butt ♪

♪ Everybody kiss my butt ♪
♪ Everybody kiss her butt ♪

Yeah!

Teddy!
Bob.

You didn't order the Belt Buckle
Belly Buster, did you?

Maybe I did,
maybe I didn't.

But I did. Excuse me.
Uh, are you Dusty?

Dusty? (chuckles)
Uh, no. There's no Dusty.

Uh, this is a chain, pal.
I'm Kevin. I'm the manager.

Listen, Kevin, you can't serve
this guy your five-pound burger.

Oh, okay, making a note.

I can't serve someone a burger
in my own restaurant.

Look, Teddy is... Well...

He has the biggest heart
of anyone I know.

Both because
he's incredibly sweet

but also
because it's full

of cholesterol.
Which is why you can't serve him

that huge burger...
he-he might not survive it.

(chuckles) Well, you know what?
Big boy paid for it,

so order up!

Good God,
look at that thing. Oh.

Let me at it!
You're not giving him that burger.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Come on,
let that Belly Buster through.

Please take the burger back to
the kitchen, ma'am. (laughs)

It is so weird that you think
you work here. I just...

Damn it, I don't remember
hiring a fat Burt Reynolds.

Look, this burger
is not going anywhere.

This is just
fantastic.

I'm gonna get to throw fat Burt
Reynolds out of my restaurant!

Oh, yeah?
Well, I can get tough, too.

And I'm staying. Guys, come on.
Don't fight over me.

Wait, is that what's happening?

Bad news for you, Kevin.
I've just been through

a bunch of kick-ass training,
so if you think

you can just...
Oh, no...

Oh, yeah? Well, I hope you got
trained to get your ass kicked!

Actually, I did! Oh, God!

Here comes the glass!

(screams)

Thanks for coming!

Are you okay, Bobby?

(groans)
Real glass hurts so bad.

Am I bleeding?

Not, like, too much.

And the concrete wasn't padded.

It was so hard
when-when I landed on it.

Before you pass out, that's the nicest
thing anyone's ever done for me.

I have so much glass in myself.
I'll get you out of here, buddy.

All right, let's go
to the hospital, Teddy.

No, Bob. Let's go home.

No. No, we're gonna go to
a hospital... Shh, shh, shh.

Home it is, Bob.

Here we go, almost home.

I'll just see if
someone else can take me.

Hey, even though
I'm not your best friend,

I really appreciate
what you did.

Look, I-I'm sorry I said
you're not my best friend.

Because you are.
I am?

Yeah, I mean, it depends
on how you define it.

You technically
are my best friend.

But, I mean... I might meet... Bup,
bup, bup... stop right there, Bobby.

But, I mean, I don't know who...
Yeah. Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob.

Eventually I... Enough.
Can I carry you across the threshold?

(sighs)
All right.

(grunting)

Ow.
Watch your head. Sorry.

LINDA:
Aw, my little beat-up Bobby.

Where's that belt from?
Where's all the food?

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shush.
Is the ice helping?

Pretty refreshing, right?
Yes, Tina.

How 'bout this?
Is this helping?

Thanks, Teddy.
Yes, it's good.

How 'bout some smelling salts?
Oh, God. Come on!

Oh, you come on.

That fart's a winner
and you know it!

All right,
let me smell it again.

(sniffing)
Yeah, you're right.

♪ He crashes on your couch
when he loses his job ♪

♪ Guy pulls a knife
and you jump in front ♪

♪ You take the blade
right in the gut ♪

♪ Ow! ♪

♪ Then he holds your hand
till the medic comes ♪

♪ Yeah... ♪

♪ You feed him soup
when he breaks his jaw ♪

♪ You help him pee
when he has that thing ♪

♪ He's your best friend! ♪

♪ He crashes on your couch
when he loses his job ♪

♪ He helps you pee
when you've got that thing ♪

♪ He's your best friend ♪

LINDA & TEDDY:
♪ Your best friend! ♪