Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 20 - Hawk & Chick - full transcript

Hey, little guy, you're gonna become
part of a great burger today.

- (high-pitched): I'm honored.
- What are you calling it?

(normal voice): Jicama-Tah-Ta.

(high-pitched): Great joke!

No making the food talk, please.

And you wonder why I'm the only
one who'll go shopping with you.

Dad, look! Wait, don't look now.

Okay, now look. Where?

There. Wh-What is it?

BOB: An old Asian man?

LOUISE:
That's not an old Asian man.



It's not? It's Hawk!

Hawk? Hawk! From Hawk & Chick!

Father, look out!

The Jellyfish Monster!

Thank you, Chick.

(fierce yell)

♪ ♪

Hi-yah!

Father-daughter samurai team

played by an actual
father and daughter.

It's like they based it on us.
I know.

We could sue. We won't,
'cause we love these movies.

But yeah, that's us.

But is he the right age?



How old was he in
his last movie?

The one where they fight
the giant butterfly?

Yeah. Probably 40.

And how old is that guy,
a hundred? He's not a hundred.

Well, you're 80,
so he's got to be at least 90.

What's he doing
in our dumb town, anyway?

Maybe he flies from Japan

to buy our mushrooms?
He's leaving the market.

Should I shout his name? No.

We should leave him alone.

Or we could follow him.

We kind of already are.
This is weird. Let's go home,

live our lives the best we can.

I mean, we're poor,
but we're happy.

He's crossing the street!
Move! Move!

(horn beeps)

Sorry. Thank you.

Ooh! Sorry. Sorry.

No! He's getting on a bus!

Well, we're not getting
on a bus to follow this guy.

We should get off at
the next stop. It's not him.

BOTH (whispering): It's him!

It's Rising Hawk. (Low gasping)

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Where the hell are
your father and your sister?

They should be back by now.

Maybe they're afraid
to be around me. (Grunts)

'Cause I'm on fire.

(groans) Game, set, salt.

Wow. She can't do long division,

but the girl can
slide a saltshaker.

Who? Oh, me.

I'm gonna say something.

What are you gonna say?
Say it to me like

you're gonna say it to him.
Okay, all right.

Um, hi, Mr. Kojima...
Terrible.

What? Ugh! Bad.

Right, right, right.
Not ready. Not ready.

♪ ♪

(elevator bell dings)

Fourth floor. Yeah.

Stairs. Let's go.

(whispering):
Wait, this is crazy.

What's our plan?

Um, get him to sign your jicama?

I don't... I don't have a pen.

(all yell)

Why are you follow me? Aah!

(both screaming)

(laughs) Joking! Joking!

Oh. Oh, that-that's good.

Y-You got us. Did I get you?

Yeah, very much. (Chuckles)

My little heart
is beating so fast.

(laughs) (laughs): Yeah.

I dropped my jicama.

Uh, so... Shinji Kojima?

Please, call me Kojima...
or Koji.

Just don't call me
if I owe you money.

(laughs)

I owe people money.

Uh, uh, my name is Bob.

Uh, and this is
my daughter, Louise.

We've seen all your movies.

Am I screeching?

I feel like I'm screeching
a little. Yes.

Sorry, you're kind of
a big deal for us.

It's nice to get recognized.

We were wondering...
why are you in our town?

Did you get lost?

Lots of people are here
because they got lost.

Not lost. Just looking... Okay.

Wait, what-what does that mean?

You kind of trailed off there.

I have, uh, said too much.

So, do you know
a good place to eat?

Yes! Uh, we have a restaurant.

No, no, no, no! It's not good!

It's really good.

It's not good enough
for Koji, Dad!

Is it good or not good?

Good. Not good.

Good. Oh, not good.

Mmm! Good.

Wow, so that's how
celebrities chew their food.

I was all wrong.

Celebrity Chewing!

I'd watch that show.

Tina, take another picture
of me with Koji.

Let's do one where
we're laughing

at a hilarious
thing I just said.

But it's so smart
you don't get it

for a second, and then you do.
Hmm. Mmm?

Oh, now I get it. (Laughing)

Oh, he just got it.
He just got it.

When I'm famous, I'll have
a handler whose only job

will be to keep people
like Mom away from me.

And Mom, too, maybe. What?

Just kidding. You know
you'll live in my trailer.

- I want a copy of that one.
- Oh, we don't print our photos.

- They live in the camera.
- Guys, here it is!

All the Hawk & Chicks
we recorded from TV.

We've got a lot to choose from.

Hawk & Chick versus Sharkman

or the classic Hawk & Chick
versus Tsukumogami.

What's a Tsukumogami?

Um, it's just
an object that comes

to life every hundred years. Oh!

And in this case, it's a tree.

So, they fight a tree? Cool.

Well, there's more to it
than that, Tina.

It's about a barber
and his daughter traveling

from village to village,
trying to avoid trouble...

But trouble always finds them.

And then they kick
trouble's ass!

Am I right? Looking
at you, Koji.

(mouth full):
Looking back at you, Louise.

Wait, so these movies are
about traveling barbers

who fight weird
Japanese monsters?

So, it's like a less sexual
Incredible Hulk?

(crowd clamoring) Hmm?

That's not a tree.
That's a monster.

(both yelling)

This is amazing.

We're watching
a Hawk & Chick with Hawk!

I know, and he must be excited

- 'cause he's watching it with us.
- Or not. He's crying. Oh. (Yelling)

Everything okay, Kojima?

No. Not okay.

The reason I'm in your town

is to find my Yuki.

Is that Japanese
for getting your groove back?

No. It is English for getting
my daughter back.

Yuki? Your daughter lives here?

Yes, she does.

I haven't gathered
the courage to speak to her.

I haven't spoken
to Yuki in 30 years.

(all gasp) Hawk and Chick
haven't spoken in 30 years?!

What the hell?

She chose to move to America

with her mother
after we divorced.

Our relationship was strained

because I strained it.

Now Yuki is... an accountant.

BOTH: What?! Oh, nice.

I've come all this way,

but I worry Yuki
doesn't want to see me.

Eh, what's 30 years?

I got underwear older than that.

You two will be sword-fighting
together in no time.

We've got to make
this samur-ight! Whoa!

I've got a great idea
you're all gonna hate.

Family conference.

Don't worry.

Doesn't seem rude. No, no.

Maybe all we need
to do is get Yuki

to see her dad as Hawk again.

Up on the big screen!

Okay, but how do we do that?

I'm really enjoying this huddle.

One of the best huddles ever.

It's all right.

Guys, this is the part
you're gonna hate.

We got to put on
a Hawk & Chick film festival

and convince them both to go.

Reunion! Boom!

You hate it, you hate it.

I don't hate it. I like it.

I love it. I love it, too.

(all yell)

Oh! You snuck in the huddle!

I am out of ketchup.

But I am in for the festival.

(all cheer)

♪ Samurai festival of love. ♪

So, you want me to let you guys
take over the theater

for the entire weekend
for a marathon

of some obscure samurai movies
from the '70s.

Is that right?

Yup. So we're good here?
Not gonna happen.

But the stars of the movies
are gonna be there.

Most likely.
Well, one is for sure.

Point is they're gonna reunite
in front of all their fans!

Father and daughter
together again...

What-what are you doing?

Oh, this? Nothing. Keep talking.

Can you still hear me?
It's a little crack now.

I'm just gonna close
this down, and bye!

Great. Thank you. Thank you!

Come on, Louise. Let's go.

Psst. Hey. (Clicks tongue)

Me. I'm talking.

Is Shinji Kojima really in town?

And Yuki?

Yeah! Wait, so you know
the Hawk & Chick movies?

I love them! Lots of people do.

If you did a Hawk &
Chick film festival,

people would definitely show up.

So, can you talk your boss
into letting us

use this theater? No.

We've had bad experiences
doing film festivals.

We had a Meg Ryan film festival,

and this place was
disgusting afterwards.

Oh, well, we tried.

Thanks. Wait, wait, wait.

You can do the festival here.

We just got to be sneaky.

Like a coyote.

Oh, I like the sound of this.

Listen, the last show
on Saturday night

lets out at 11:00.

Once my manager drives off,

the theater's ours.

It'll be a secret,
one night only,

midnight screening
of a Hawk & Chick movie.

Okay, we'll do it. Yes!

Thanks, Dominic.
You're all right.

So which Hawk & Chick movies
do you have prints of?

- "Prints"? Yeah, you know, a print?
- Thing that goes in the projector?

- Makes pictures on the screen?
- Oh, we don't have one of those.

No, we just thought
we could bring our VHS tapes

and just fast-forward
through the commerci...

Okay, I realize
how terrible that sounds.

Hmm, maybe I can find one.

All right, you know, I'll poke
around on some film forums.

You're lucky I was planning
to go online today.

LINDA: Ooh, exciting!

An illegal samurai
film festival!

I like all those words!

Now all we need is a movie.

And we got to convince Yuki
to want to reunite

with her father,
who she might hate.

And we need flyers!

But how do we advertise
a secret film screening?

Psst. You like movies?

Yeah, I like movies.

Are you cool?

What do you mean?

Forget it! Keep moving.

How's it going? Some of
these people seem cool,

but they're not!

How can you tell? You can tell.

So, uh, trash can?

No. I think we owe it
to an old Japanese man

and his middle-aged daughter
to see this through.

Wow, that just got me.

Let's try the quad
at the community college.

There's two things
those honkys love...

foreign films
and flyers telling them

where other honkys will be!

Well, this is the address
Kojima gave us.

That's her! That's Chick!

It's so gross to see her
behind a desk.

She should be slicing up
the Snow Monster

or the Six-Headed Sumo!
God, idiot!

Please don't call her an idiot to her face.
Just get it out now. Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!

All right, let's go get Yuki
to say yes to the fest.

No. What?

Look, I haven't even thought
about those movies in years.

Okay, okay, we're
giving you a chance

to feel like a movie star again.

You can see yourself up
on the big screen instead of staring

at that number screen
on your desk there.

I'm very happy as an accountant.
No, you're not.

I am. You're depressed.

No, I'm not.
You didn't let me finish!

"Ing" me. Depressing me!

Louise? I mean, who makes 14

amazing movies with their dad,

and then just
walks away one day?!

Who does that, Yuki?

Louise, stop. Who does that?!

Louise? I'm sure it wasn't easy working
with your dad all those years.

I-I know. I get it.
I've been there.

Wrong. Wrong!

Working with your dad is fun.

I mean working
with your dad was fun.

Because he was a samurai
and you killed monsters!

- Yuki, um, can we have a minute, please?
- Look, Louise, she obviously doesn't want

to reconnect with her father.

We should call off
the screening.

What? No way! We
need to get her butt

into that theater
so she can apologize to Koji.

I think it's more
like Kojima needs

to apologize to Yuki
for driving her away.

Yuki didn't want
his life, Louise!

So we're in agreement.

We're not gonna tell
her that her dad's here!

Wait. What?
We're gonna trick her.

We are?
Shh, shh, shh! Here she comes.

So, about that film festival...
can we put you down as a "yes"?

I'm not so sure.

Yuki, Yuki, come on, Yuke.

Just say yes.

Imagine a packed theater

of your adoring fans
all there for you!

Just you, no Hawk.
It'll be Chick's night.

(loud gasping)

We love you, Yuki! Ah! Ah!
What is...?

She's doing a... like, a lot of people
cheering, but it sounds more like a ghost.

Well, you do it, Dad. Can you do
it. I guess that could be fun.

All right, what
the hell. I'll go.

Great! Great!

- So you got her to come? BOTH: Yup.
- That's great. Mm-hmm.

Did you use my icebreaker?

Pretend to rob the place? No.

Did you file for
an extension on your taxes?

No, Tina. That's a myth.
You can't do that.

Well, how does Yuki feel
about seeing her father?

We might not have told her
that her dad was gonna be there.

On purpose by accident.
What? Yup.

Nice. You tricked her! Yup.

I'm not sure you can trick
people into reuniting.

Not true. That's how they got
Mel Gibson and Danny Glover

back together
for Lethal Weapon 3.

Yeah, I read that.

This is gonna work, people.

Yuki's gonna see Hawk & Chick
up on the big screen,

get all weepy like Koji did,
and realize how crazy she's been,

and we're gonna be heroes,
and we're gonna be invited

to the premiere
of their next movie in Japan!

Ooh, I got to get a passport.

Guess who got the print. Me!

I freaking love this guy!

Dominic! Ah, come here.

Which one is it?

Hawk & Chick
versus Seaweed Monster.

Ooh, Seaweed Monster, scary!

Only thing...

it's an original 35
millimeter print from Japan.

That's incredible.

No, I mean, original, vintage.

It's not dubbed in English.

It's not even subtitled.

Oh. Yeah.

Well, so, can't you just whip up
some English subtitles?

Oh, sure. Yeah, I'll just add
some words to the screen.

What do you think
this is, future world?

I have an idea...
not about this.

Okay, wait. No, I got
one about this, too.

I have, like, six ideas.

The third one's about this.

Dubbing it ourselves?
Great idea.

Thanks, Gene. Guys.

All right, I typed up
all the subtitles

from Hawk & Chick
versus Seaweed Monster.

Did you guys know
about spell check?

It's amazing.

It tells you
if you misspell something.

I mean, it's... Some of it
is open to interpretation.

But, you know, it's helpful.

- Here's everyone's parts.
- How many characters are you playing?

Three. Ah, three's good.

I'm doing four characters,

but I guess, you know,
I'm more experienced.

But I've got a lot of lines
because I'm the mayor.

You're the mayor?!

Bob, she's the mayor?!
Lin, it doesn't matter.

Tina, Tina, let me be the mayor.
Back off.

Let's dub, people!
Rub a dub dub!

(rhythmic clicking)

BOB: It has been many days since
we have loaned you our lantern.

Can we have it back now?

GENE: Yes. I see you are
returning the lantern

with less lantern oil
than when I lent it to you.

Also, the wick is
in need of replacement.

Lot of lantern talk.

There's always a lot
of lantern talk.

You get into it. Already there.

As the mayor of this village...
As the mayor of this village...

Mom, back off. Seriously.

All right, don't forget,
secret screening,

so we cannot look like a line!

The manager's gonna come out
pretty soon and go home.

We're just 40-some-odd people

who happen to be standing here.

So, look at your phones
or up at the sky

and whistle or something.

Oh. Okay. Like this? Great.

Wait, wait.
Too many shoe tie-ers,

One of you hail a cab.

Taxi!

What do I do?

Commit, commit, get in,
circle the block.

Hello.

Right this way, talent.

I can't believe
I agreed to this.

Are those from my rose bush?

Shh, shh. Tonight,
you're a celebrity again.

You don't have
a worry in the world.

Well, I'm worried
about my roses.

They're fine. They're fine.
They're resilient!

LINDA: Hi, Yuki!

Belcher family limo
at your service!

You'll notice a bottle
of water on your seat.

That's for you, because
celebrities gets thirstier

than normal people.

The cheese sticks
hidden in the seat...

uh, those are not for you.

I will now put up
the privacy divider

for the remainder of your ride.

(imitates window whirring up)

(mutters)

Okay, he's gone.
Get 'em in! Get 'em in!

Oh, crap, they're early!

Aw, crap, we're early!

They can't see each other yet!

I know! First Yuki's
got to watch the movie,

feel bad and want to
repair their relationship!

I know! Our perfect plan!
Flawless!

We got to get him inside!
Koji, come on.

But I am giving
Kevin an autograph.

Ugh. Forget Kevin.
Inside, now, let's go!

Gene! Privacy screen!
Get in there! Ah!

Aah! Ow! Aah!
You need privacy! Be private!

We got to move! Let's move!
Ow, you hit me.

That was... Kevin.

Kevin, get away!

Get away, Kevin!

(as Kevin): Ah, you got me away!

Watch out for the... Ugh! Ow!

Okay, privacy's over.

You had some you time. Thanks.

Okay, we'll come and get you
when it's about to start!

Wait. Why can't I go in now?

Yeah, just relax
and enjoy the green room.

Sorry it's not
actually green, or a room.

You may have one cheese stick!

Okay, just sit here
and be quiet.

And keep the jacket on your head

till the movie starts.

It's very cold in here.

Okay. Got it. No problem.

Enjoy the movie, lady!

You're in it! And
here's some tissues.

They're good for when something
life-changing happens.

All right, here we go.

LINDA: It was a time in Japan

when evil monsters would attack

nice little villages
for no good reason.

And the only force in all
of Japan who could stop them...

Hawk & Chick!

BOB (as Hawk):
There's a village up ahead.

Maybe there's hair
that needs cutting.

LOUISE: And hopefully,
no monsters that need defeating.

This is amazing! I know!

We're incredible. We really are.

TINA: Oh, no, seaweed monster!

You're ruining my haircut,
and I'm the mayor!

Aah! (Grunting) (grunting)

Seaweed monster, let me go!

So, you loving the movie?

No. Not really.
It's kind of painful?

Uh-huh. You want some popcorn?
Sure.

It is finally dead.

Father! It's not all dead!

(low, distorted): Part of it
still wishes to fight.

That's not how I sound.
Is that how I sound?

No! Oh, God, I think
the batteries are dying!

But we put new batteries
in this morning!

How could this happen?

Fast-forward! Rewind!
Fast-forward! Rewind!

Well, it's not that bad.
Maybe no one will notice.

(low and garbled):
Let's send this thing

back to the... Okay,
that's really bad.

We got to do something!

There's a mic.
I think we got to wing it.

Good thing we've seen this movie
a thousand times.

Aah! Aah! No longer will you
terrorize this town,

Seaweed Monster.

We are going to weed you out!

Crap, we need the villagers!

Lin! Lin! Psst!
We need you guys up here.

What? Come here! Hurry!

Which way did
the Seaweed Monster go?

That way! No, that way!

GENE: Aah! Monster! Green!
Green! Aah! Aah!

I can't do this.

Oh, God, she's leaving!
Yuki's leaving!

Oh, I forgot to tell you,
your plan's not working.

She's having a terrible
time. She told me.

I thought the popcorn would

make her feel better,
but it didn't.

Hang on, it's my line.

Don't hurt me. I'm the mayor.
Mom!

LOUISE: Damn it, Yuki,
you're killing me!

What do we do? What do we do?!

BOB: Wait.

Yuki, don't go!

Huh? I mean, Chick.

I know we're fighting this
Seaweed Monster right now,

but I want you to know how
much I love and support you,

even if you decide...
Hold on. Hiya!

Aah!

To stop fighting monsters
with me someday and...

do taxes instead.

TINA:
And, Hawk, I want you to know...

hiya!... if that ever happens,

it's me who should apologize
for leaving!

'Cause I would be
dumb to do that.

I don't remember this part.

Are the actors really bad?

Yes. They're horrible.

BOB: No! Smash this house!

Chick doesn't need to
apologize for anything!

Chick was just a kid!
And I hit this guy!

But... but... how could
a father and daughter not talk

for 30 freaking years?!

Whoa.

Seaweed Monster suddenly thinks

this might be
about something else.

And I'm squeezing you.
Sorry about that.

Am I gonna turn into someone
completely different someday?

Is that what happens
when you grow up?

You... you grow apart? Listen,

what happened to Hawk and Chick
will never happen to us.

This Hawk and this Chick will
never not talk for 30 years.

You promise?

Yes, of course, Louise.
I mean, Chick.

Foreign films are so much more
complex than Hollywood movies.

(growls) I'm the monster again.

Aah, I'm getting stabbed.

I'm getting... I exploded.

I'm not sure why I... I explo...

I'm dead. I'm gone.

Koji, talk to her.

To who? To Yuki.

My Yuki.

Yuki, it's...
it's your father speaking.

Dad? What are you doing here?

You said he wasn't
gonna be here.

You tricked me.

Uh, surprise.

Yuki, please, I've come all
this way to tell you I miss you.

I am sorry for everything.

I have not been a good father.

Oh, she's thinking about it.

I love you, little Chick.

Oh, Dad.

Oh, he got her. He got her.

(crying): We did it. We did it.

(applauding)

Wow, that ended up working

way better
than I thought it would.

Eh, it went about exactly
the way I thought it would.

So I should get
you kids home, right?

What time is it?

It's after midnight.
Is it a school night?

Yes, and I have
a big test tomorrow.

It's, like, half my grade.
Oh, sorry.

BOB: Hastings Classics
proudly presents:

The Hawk & Chick
collector's box set.

All 14 films,
featuring the most celebrated

father-daughter
traveling barber samurais

in the history
of Japanese cinema.

All their epic battles have been
digitally remastered.

The toughest job for Hawk
wasn't cutting hair

or defeating
a jellyfish monster.

It was raising a daughter
by himself.

Order today.

Take the Hawk & Chick box set
home to your village.