Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 19 - Housetrap - full transcript
Teddy is just a guy who can't say no. He is in a terrible fix: he has two jobs on the day a storm is approaching nearby Craggy Neck Beach, but Teddy accepts a third job, just when he ought to say nix. Linda and the kids offer to shelter lawn furniture at his client's beach house. Bob is the one who does the work as Louise and Linda "oops" the way into locked doors, drawers and cabinets. Is a person paranoid just because everyone is out to get him? Bob hurts his back when Linda requests a re-enactment. Teddy announces roads are closing. What is with the clocks? Everyone is startled when the homeowner, Helen, appears in her own home. She graciously invites everyone to stay the night and even ministers to poor Bob. There is a game room and pool table: the kids should be set. But something nags at Linda... and Louise. Give Bob opiates and he will rat out his own kids... and he might not remember it the next day. Teddy has a crush on Helen, but does she reciprocate? Hugs, drugs and slugs are a small sample of a zany episode where if you are going to be a widow, you have to learn the walk.
Here you go, Teddy.
Thanks for the rush order.
I got a hell of a busy day
ahead of me.
Teddy, why did you
ask for a to-go bag
if you're gonna eat it here?
I'm leaving, I'm leaving.
Are you, though?
Kids. It's good
that you're so busy, Teddy.
Yeah, I got a dry wall job
in town, plus, I've been
taking care of a summer house
out on Craggy Neck.
It's supposed to rain today,
so I gotta put
the lawn furniture
under the deck.
Sorry we asked.
(phone rings)
Hello? Oh, hi, Mr. Handley.
Your hot water heater?
Yeah, I could be there today.
All right... I'll see you soon.
And now I just took another job.
Why would I do that?! Teddy!
(growls) All right, calm down, Teddy.
Hey, I'll go out to
Craggy Neck for you. What?
Really? Yeah,
I want to go to a nice place
and drag furniture under a deck.
Take us!
I could drag some furniture.
Well, that'd be a big help.
All right!
Wait, if you're algoing
to some beach house,
then I should go, too.
We could close
for a little while.
But, Dad, what if people want
to come to the restaurant?
Oh, right.
That's true. I p...
(chuckles) Just kidding, Dad.
Just kidding. Oh.
BOB: All right, we're here.
LOUISE: All right!
TINA and GENE: Yay!
Oh.
We're on the frickin' beach.
BOB: That is quite a view.
I mean, I know it's
the same ocean near our house,
but this one's better.
I mean, it's on the beach.
They probably have crabs
bringing them the newspaper.
That is the life.
Oh, and it's
so beautifully landscaped.
(gasps) Look at those boulders!
BOB: Gene, get off the boulders.
They love it!
(straining):
I got it. On my own.
Because I'm strong.
Good job, Dad!
Oh, so pretty inside.
(gasps) Oh. The door's open.
Should we go inside?
Just to close the door?
Well, I guess so.
I mean, how else
are we gonna close the door?
Oh. We're inside.
We're in the house.
How did that happen?
BOB: What are you doing?
BOTH: Aah!
You're trespassing.
You're in somebody's home.
Well, technically
it's somebody's summer home.
That's different, right?
Yeah. Totally legal.
We're just shutting the door.
Ooh, are we breaking
and entering?
As a family.
So it's okay.
Come stand next to me
for two seconds.
It'll feel
like we're on vacation.
No, Lin, we should go.
Wow, this is nice.
I feel really poor right now.
Yeah.
I guess we can stand here
for another two seconds.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
And then we'll leave.
Okay. But we're not
touching anything.
Yeah. Sure. Of course not.
Huh.
I think I like boats now.
Aw, these must be the owners.
Cute couple.
Little age difference
but that's okay.
Oh, and they travel.
Must be nice.
Pushing up the Leaning Tower.
Couple of hams.
Do you think
we should get a boat?
And a subscription
to a boat magazine?
Look at that ring!
Looks like a disco ball.
She's got Studio 54 on her hand.
I think I'm gonna get one.
I think I'm gonna get a boat;
A big boat.
Wait, what are we doing?
We-we got to go.
Kids, we're leaving!
Kids, we gotta go... oh, my God.
Game room.
Oh, hey, Dad.
Welcome to Funtown.
Oh, I forgot to get a big house
so we could get a pool table.
We do have to go, but first,
I should probably teach you kids
how to play pool.
We know how to play.
You just roll the balls
and hear them click.
So far I'm winning.
(grunts) Yes.
All right, kids, there are
a couple things in life
I'm really good at,
and pool is one of them.
What are the other things?
And don't say burgers.
Prepare for the thunder
that is my break.
Tina, step to the side.
I don't want the shockwave
to hit you.
(grunts)
Whoa.
(groans) That was terrible.
Yeah, I thought maybe it was,
but I wasn't sure,
so I just said "whoa."
It's probably the cue.
Oh, yeah. This one is...
crazy warped.
It looks straight to me.
Yeah, you can't use a cue
stick like this. No...
Okay.
This one feels not warped.
Corner pocket, your mouth
is open, I hope you're hungry!
Damn it!
Whoa... Is that...
is that good?
(thunder rumbling)
Ooh, they're skiers.
So sporty, those two.
Look like Hart to Hart. Do you
know who gave me this water?
The refrigerator did!
What?
Came right out of the door!
Goodness.
What are you up to?
I'm just curious
who these people are.
You know, what books they read,
what kind of music they like.
Got it.
You're snooping.
What?! I'm not snooping...
I'm just noticing.
Sure.
Ooh, they climbed a mountain.
Good for them.
Should we go "notice"
around in that room?
Ooh. Home office.
Look, they get mail.
That's fun.
Ooh, and we got a name!
Larry Goodwin.
Why do they have so many clocks?
How much time do you need?
Spooky. They all
stopped at 3:13.
Oh, wait, they all moved.
I think I figured it out.
Look at this:
They all say Goodwin.
Larry Goodwin!
Larry's rollin' in clock money!
So that's how you afford
a beach house.
We've been going about
it all wrong. Did you see
that drawer open all by itself?
It just popped open.
It did, didn't it?
Yeah, look at that.
Just popped right open.
Well, that's weird.
Aw, their wedding picture.
Wait, that woman looks different
than the one in
all the other pictures.
Huh. She does.
She had
a totally different forehead.
Must've got it reduced.
Mom, this is a different wife.
This must be the first wife!
(gasps)
(thunder crashes)
And Larry traded her in
for a newer, prettier model.
That bastard!
You think you know somebody!
Larry!
(front door opening) Oh, crap.
Oh, crap. Someone's here.
Are you just saying
that because I'm beating you?
Shh! Hide.
Bob? Linda?
You guys in here?
BOB: Yeah?
Why?
Right. Why.
Yeah. Why are you
inside the house?
Right. Teddy. Good question.
Right, Bob. What are you
doing in the house? Uh...
Linda? Jump in any time.
(chuckles) Wait a minute,
this isn't under the deck.
Bobby, why'd you make us
come in here, you silly?
Thanks, Lin, that was great.
Sorry, Teddy.
We shouldn't have come in.
Poking around, huh?
Trying the hall on for size?
I get it.
You take a bath? What? No.
Your loss.
Teddy, why are you here?
We came all this way
so you wouldn't have to.
The weather's
getting real stormy.
I thought I ought to make sure
the house is all sealed up.
Yeah, I'm sure Larry Goodwin
would appreciate it.
Much more than he appreciated
his first wife,
who dared to age.
Huh?
Keep up, Dad.
Right on, Mom.
I wouldn't know anything
about Larry. I never met him.
He died
before I started working here.
(gasps) Larry's dead?
Larry's dead!
Yeah. Terrible accident.
He slipped on the widow's walk
up on the roof and fell onto
the decorative boulders below.
I thought those boulders
seemed traumatized.
Helen, the wife, she's a doll.
Nicest woman in the world.
Poor thing witnessed the fall
from the rose garden.
Oh, my... oh, my God.
What if Little Miss Second Wife
didn't witness the death?
What if she did the death?!
(gasping)
Of course!
What?
Helen killed her husband
for his clock fortune!
She's a black widow! We are in
the tastefully decorated house
of a killer.
Huh. It is tastefully decorated.
It's all right.
TEDDY: Come on!
Helen's not a murderer.
Whoa, Lin,
That's a pretty big accusation.
Ye, well,
murder's a pretty big crime.
All right. Time to go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dad.
We're not leaving
until we find evidence
we can take to the fuzz.
This is a hot cold case.
Yeah, we owe it to Larry
and his clock family.
You two cannot be serious.
Look at her shifty snake eyes.
Yeah, if you take away
her warm smile,
she's got the ice-cold stare
of an ice-cold murderer.
TINA: And if you take away her
nose, she looks really weird.
GENE: Yeah, and if you
take away half of her face,
she's like...
half face.
Guys, come on. This is Helen
we're talking about.
She was in the rose garden
when Larry slipped and fell.
Oh, you mean Larry,
the mountain climber,
'Cause he didn't slip! Helen
pushed him off the widow's walk!
She pushed him!
No, no, no, no.
You're really stretching, guys.
Teddy, what else can you tell
us about Larry's "accident"?
Eh, it was a freak thing.
The guy leaned against
the railing and it gave way.
The cops said it was loose.
I bet she loosened the railing.
With what? Magic?
What could possibly remove
a nail from wood?
The back of a hammer.
The-the thingies.
Teddy, where does
she keep her tools?
She doesn't have any tools.
She's not very handy.
Also... Eh, forget it.
What, Teddy? What?
Well, I think she might be
hiring me because she's lonely.
She's definitely not a killer.
She's really
the sweetest little thing.
She's not little,
she's regular-sized.
Aw, just talking about her
gets me all frazzled.
Teddy, do you have
a crush on Helen?
What? Huh? No.
Aw! Does she have
a crush on you?
Does she drop
things in front of you
so you both have to bend
down and pick them up?
Sometimes we have
tea on the deck
and just talk for
what feels like minutes.
Linda, can we have
a word in private?
No.
Yes.
What, Bob?
I'm onto something here.
You're not.
I am.
The only thing you're doing
is messing up
a possible relationship
for Teddy.
This Helen lady sounds
like she's nice and lonely,
and Teddy
is probably a good match
for someone nice and lonely.
Or anyone.
Teddy should date anyone
that likes him, basically.
Anyone except someone
who's gonna murder him.
But maybe even that's okay.
For Teddy.
(gasps) Oh my God,
I just thought of something.
Teddy, so Larry landed
on the decorative boulders
in the backyard?
That's right.
Look at this photo.
Notice anything?
TINA: Even at his age,
Larry could still
pull off cargo shorts?
Mm-hmm.
(gasps) There are no boulders!
Exactly!
'Cause Helen put 'em there
when she came on to the scene.
And then she pushed Larry right
onto 'em, ensuring his death.
You guys are really jumping
to conclusions here.
You mean pushing
to conclusions, Dad?
Teddy, how do you get up
to the widow's walk?
We're gonna reenact
a little murder.
(wind blowing) TEDDY:
Storm's really whipping up
out there!
I can't hear you!
The storm's really whipping up!
Linda! You're not going
out there. It's too dangerous!
It's fine, it's fine!
Whoa! (grunting)
Never mind, never mind.
Let's do it inside.
(quietly):
Mom's hair looks terrible.
I know. I can't look at her.
But you can't look away.
I'm just looking
kind of to the side.
Okay, so here's
what I think happened.
Bob, you're Larry.
No.
Sweet, dead Larry.
Ugh, God.
I'm Helen.
I'm a bad person,
and I want your money
so onto the boulders with you!
(grunts)
Ow!
(Linda whoops) Ow, my back.
Did you actually have
to push me?
I think that's exactly
how it happened, Mom.
Uh-huh. Nah, nah.
There's no way Helen's a killer.
Seriously, I think my back is...
(moans) bad.
All right, all right, you baby.
Let's help you onto the couch.
(quietly):
Dad's hair looks horrible.
It always looks horrible.
There we go. We never should
have come into this house.
(screaming)
It's all right, everybody.
It's probably just a brownout.
I'm not, like, too scared.
(screaming)
Helen! Hey.
You're here.
(gasps) It's her.
(quietly):
Her hair looks amazing.
Let's ask her where she goes.
So, Helen, uh,
I thought you were in New York.
I decided to get away for
a few days to my vacation home.
And who are these people
in my vacation home?
Right. These are my friends.
They're a family.
They're Belchers. Sorry,
you see, I asked them to...
You take your dirty children
and get the hell out! (gasps)
Oh, God.
Helen, I'm sorry. I...
(chuckling): I'm kidding!
(laughing nervously)
What a fun, terrifying joke.
Isn't she a hoot?
Oh, I'm glad you're here.
I've been driving for hours
in that storm.
Surprised the roads are open.
Welcome!
I'm Helen.
Hi, I'm Bob. These are my kids,
Tina, Gene, and Louise.
And this is my wife Linda.
Nice to meet ya, Helen.
You're making a lot
of eye contact, little girl.
That's a killer handshake
you've got there.
Thank you. I'm, uh...
I'm really squeezing.
Anyways, we should get home
before the roads get
any worse. Come on, kids.
What?! Mom, I thought
you wanted to solve the crime!
Safety first!
I have to protect my babies!
Helen, what car
snacks do you have?
Oh, I need to not stand up.
Are you okay? Nah, he's fine.
He's faking it. Come on.
I'm not faking.
My wife pushed me.
Yeah, pushed by a lady.
You know how that is, Helen.
BOB: Louise.
You know, I have some
pain relievers from back
when I used to take
a lot of pain relievers.
Would you like some?
Yes, please.
No, he doesn't.
No, no, no.
Uh, yes, I would. Thank you.
Great. I'll be right back.
See? She's nice.
Do you think she likes me?
I'm not really a fair judge
since she wasn't too helpful
with the car snacks.
Bob, we got to get out of here!
She's a killer!
Linda, I can't go anywhere
because someone pushed me.
Mom, we got to stay
and see this through!
This case could
make our careers!
There is a 90% chance
she kills us in the next hour!
She's a nice lady
whose husband fell off a roof.
You've got to stop.
Does anyone
have any cologne? Gene?
No. I'm not allowed
to wear cologne again
until I prove I can be
responsible with it.
I have a cough drop
in my pocket.
Give it.
(jabbering)
All I know is that woman is a mur...
...maid. Mermaid!
And that's the history
of mermaids.
Oh, thanks, Mom!
Such amazing creatures.
Hey, Helen.
(laughs) Hi. And here you go.
Oh! Boop! Uh, boopsie. Oh!
What happened there?
Crazy arms.
Good thing there's more
where that came from.
Here you go.
Ha! (mumbling)
Bobby! (grunting)
Wow, What a fun couple you are!
(thunder crashing)
Ah, it's been a while since
we've had a storm like this.
I locked down all the windows.
Nothing's getting in.
Okay, water's getting in
that one, that one's leaking.
Bob, she might be trying
to poison you!
Yeah, Dad, do you
have a death wish?
People don't put poison
in pills.
They put it in food or drinks.
You know what would be great
right now? Hot chocolate.
(thunder crashes)
Huh...?
(sing-songy): Mini marshmallows!
Would be nice right now,
but I don't have any.
You have a car.
Oh, none for me, thanks.
Yeah, sorry, we don't like
hot chocolate, any of us.
Mother, you do not speak for me.
I didn't know
I didn't like hot chocolate.
Yeah, you don't.
(gulping) I'll take theirs.
I could drink a gallon
of this stuff.
It burned the crap out
of my tongue, but I love it.
Teddy's dead.
He's friggin' dead!
(grunts) Ow!
Hey, these pain meds
are starting to kick in.
And my back is feeling
A... oh, much better.
Happy to help. I took a couple,
and I'm right there with ya.
Yeah. These are good.
Oh, yeah.
I'd take more.
I always take more.
So, Helen, sorry to hear
about your late husband.
Oh, yes, he was a good man.
Good, good, good, good, good.
Uh-huh. Good taste, too, huh?
Well, he chose me. (laughs) Ow.
Oh, no, I just meant
those beautiful
decorative boulders out back.
So solid and jagged.
Did Larry pick those out?
Oh, no, I picked those out.
Larry had the tackiest
taste in boulders.
So you picked those out.
How interesting.
Very interesting.
Very interesting.
Yeah. I guess.
I don't think so.
So, uh, Larry was quite
the mountain climber, huh?
Larry? No.
No, I'm the climber.
I had to drag him
to all those mountains.
Larry used to call me
"Mount St. Helen."
Which I don't get.
Oh, so he wasn't
a good mountain climber?
Yeah, he wasn't good at all.
Huh.
Total klutz.
That's so Larry.
You know, you have such
a lovely home, Helen.
Looks like Larry left you
very comfortable.
Oh, no, he left nearly
everything to charity.
Oh. Hmm.
Charity.
Well, everything
except this house.
And the place in New York.
And Aspen.
I'll get by.
Uh, you know what?
I got to poop, and would anyone
like to join me?
Family meeting.
Of course, Mother, I could poop.
Come on, everyone!
Bobby, you might not have to go,
but I want you to try, honey.
I can't move.
I'm gonna stay here with Henry.
Helen.
My name is Bob.
Okay, so she put in
the boulders. That's guilty.
Guilty as hell. All the more
reason to get you kids out of here.
But Larry was a klutz,
So maybe he did just fall off
his own roof.
Wait. Didn't he leave
all his money to charity?
Right. True.
But how do we know Helen's telling
the truth about that?
Well, whatever her deal is,
let's get out
of this beautiful death house.
And home
to our hideous life house.
Fine, but if anyone asks,
we solved this thing,
and we were brilliant.
(thunder crashing) Ah, it's
really coming down out there.
The rain... it's an expression,
I think.
You get it.
I totally get it.
You know, you have
a wonderful family. And Teddy.
You have a wonderful family
and Teddy.
I can't believe Linda thinks
that you killed your husband.
(laughs) What? She does?
Mm-hmm. (laughs)
She does.
She thinks
you loosened the railing,
and you pushed him
onto the boulders.
But she's crazy,
and you're nice.
It's really coming down
out there.
I got to use that.
(laughs)
That's a crazy expression.
(snoring)
Okay, we all pooped.
Uh, Bob, let's hit the road.
You know, Linda,
I have a suspicion
you didn't all go poop.
What? Of course we did.
Something smells, Linda,
and it's not the bathroom.
TEDDY:
Road's completely flooded.
No one's getting in
or out of here tonight.
What? I guess it looks like you'll
have to stay the night here.
No. That's all right.
We can swim home.
Linda, I insist,
and I always get my way.
I'm very... pushy.
I call couch!
(snoring)
So, do you still think
Helen's a murderer?
Yes, I do, but if we're all
gonna get killed,
we may as well go out
playing video games.
Well, I think she's innocent.
No, she's a man-eater,
like Ms. Pac Man here.
Ms. Pac Man eats
ghosts and fruit!
Don't bring her into this!
Oh, Helen,
me sleep in your room?
On the floor though, right?
Not on the floor?
In the bed with you? Okay.
Spooning? Sure.
You want to be the big spoon?
You want...?
No, you want me
to be the big spoon.
Whoa, I hadn't thought of that.
Okay, I'll take first watch.
In a couple hours, we'll switch.
Yeah, yup, you got it, Gene.
I'm not Gene. I'm your wife
Linda. Rub my face.
No. HELEN: Linda.
Aah! Oh, I didn't see you there.
'Cause I snuck up on you.
Come, take a walk with me.
No, no. I'm pretty tired.
Come, come.
Mm. Mm. I'm grabbing your arm,
you're walking with me.
Here we go.
(hatch creaking, wind howling)
Why you want to come up here?
I wanted to check in with you.
You wanted to check in, huh,
on the widow's walk? I did.
Because your husband says
you think I killed my husband.
No, no, don't listen to him.
He's-he's stoned
out of his mind.
I can tell by your face.
(whimpers)
And because you're backing away.
(gasps)
Every time I walk towards you.
(whimpers)
On the widow's walk.
Helen.
Where my husband died.
Died, Larry.
(sing-songy): Look who's here!
The pool man!
Rack 'em up, Gene.
Pool's in session.
Yay! It's loopy Dad!
Am I talking funny?
(slurring): Ahdo. Ahl. Ahourr.
All right, let's play pool.
Wait. Where's Mom?
She went with Helen.
Why?
'Cause Helen wanted to
talk to her and be, like,
"Why do you think
I killed my husband?"
Why would she be like that?
'Cause I told her Linda
thinks she killed her husband.
And why would you
tell her that?!
Because we're friends, Gene!
Oh, my God.
I got to find her!
Okay, Helen, just stop
moving, and I'll stop moving.
(rolling thunder)
Oh, Linda, be careful.
You're standing almost exactly
where Larry fell from.
It's very slippery.
Back off, sister! Wait.
You were in the rose garden
when you saw Larry fall, right?
Mm, I was.
I was so in the rose garden.
Then why can't we see the rose
garden from this very spot?!
You can. It's right there.
Oh, right, yeah.
Pretty. (laughs) Linda, I didn't
kill Larry. I loved Larry.
Okay, I didn't love him,
but I... but I liked him.
I liked being married to him.
Right, yeah, yeah.
Okay, I didn't like being
married to him,
but I liked getting married
to him.
Yeah, sure. Okay,
I didn't like our wedding day.
It was a hard day. But the point
is, I'm not a murderer.
I didn't kill him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, I thought
about killing him. Who hasn't?
But I didn't. I-I couldn't.
Right, right.
Okay, I could, but I didn't.
Oh, sure, yeah.
Because he died.
Oh, God!
Aah! Oh! Oh!
You saved me.
Of course I did.
If I let you fall, they would
think that I killed you,
and I'm not going
through that again.
Well, thank you.
I'm sorry for
accusing you of murder.
You definitely didn't do it?
I definitely didn't do it.
You didn't push him
and then kill him?
I didn't push anybody!
All right.
Well, give me huggies. Oh.
Aah, I'm pushing you!
Oh, my face!
No, I'm just kidding.
I'm kid... I'm just kidding.
Oh. Ha, ha!
Get away from my mom!
Louise, no! She didn't do it!
(yelling) Ow! My neck!
So sharp! Oh! So sharp!
(Louise grunting)
Stop! Stop! Stop!
Oh, boy!
Get her off!
Sorry!
She won't let us cut her nails.
(yelling)
I'm so sorry, Helen.
How many times do I have
to tell you people?
Helen is not a murderer!
I know, I know. She promised
she didn't kill Larry.
Now we're gal pals.
Of course she didn't kill Larry!
She's a great woman.
And she's got
interesting collar bones
and a perfect forehead,
and-and she's...
I didn't mean to
say all that. I...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
(overlapping shouting)
Ow! Aah!
That's the guest bedroom!
Ow! Ooh! Other bedroom!
Oh! I got
to fix that shingle! Oh!
Ow! Ground. Sweet ground.
I'm alive, everyone!
Teddy!
You fell so far!
And for so long!
How are you alive?
I fell on the floor,
and I can barely walk.
I guess you can just
slip and fall off the roof.
I fall off roofs all the time.
Helen, your story checks out.
I'm so glad you're okay.
Did-did you mean that stuff
you said up there? Uh, yeah?
Well, I think you're great and
have pretty good collarbones,
and if you ever
took off that hat,
I bet you've got a forehead
that goes all the way back.
Aw.
So sweet.
Let's get you inside.
Yeah.
Hey, look... a mud box.
Hey, Henry, I found something.
I see you did.
Some crappy tool box.
I know why you buried this.
You do?
Because you didn't want Teddy
to think you had tools,
so he'd come over and fix stuff.
Right.
(sing-songy):
Because you like him.
I do.
It's okay.
I won't tell anybody
about your secret tools.
You know, I don't think
you're gonna remember
any of this anyway.
Yeah.
Let's go inside.
We're not inside?
LINDA: So listen, honey,
next time you're in town,
you and, uh, Teddy come by,
have dinner
at the restaurant, on us.
What? (laughs) Well, I'd like that very
much. What kind of restaurant is it?
Slop shop. Butt hut. It's nice.
I am in. Perfect!
I'll go there now and wait.
What a wonderful
little adventurecation!
Oh, I hurt so much.
Take it easy, killer!
Ha! Killer.
Okay, see you soon!
Helen, another pill.
Be safe!
Give me another pill.
Here you go. Buh-bye!
BOB: Thank you.
LINDA: Don't kill anyone!
Nah, you got it!
What a sweetheart.
Ooh, let's go break into
someone's lake house.
TEDDY: ♪ I'm falling for Helen ♪
♪ And there's no tellin' ♪
♪ Just how far
a fella can fall ♪
♪ For sure-fitted, strong-armed,
wild-eyed widow like Helen ♪
♪ Buh, buh-dah-dah, buh-duh ♪
♪ There's no tellin' ♪
♪ Just how far
a fella can fall ♪
♪ For a pill-poppin',
home-wreckin' ♪
♪ Long-necked widow like Helen ♪
♪ Bah, bah-dah-dah, bump-ba ♪
♪ I'm falling for Helen... ♪
♪ Bah, da, bah-dah-dah,
ba, bup... ♪
Thanks for the rush order.
I got a hell of a busy day
ahead of me.
Teddy, why did you
ask for a to-go bag
if you're gonna eat it here?
I'm leaving, I'm leaving.
Are you, though?
Kids. It's good
that you're so busy, Teddy.
Yeah, I got a dry wall job
in town, plus, I've been
taking care of a summer house
out on Craggy Neck.
It's supposed to rain today,
so I gotta put
the lawn furniture
under the deck.
Sorry we asked.
(phone rings)
Hello? Oh, hi, Mr. Handley.
Your hot water heater?
Yeah, I could be there today.
All right... I'll see you soon.
And now I just took another job.
Why would I do that?! Teddy!
(growls) All right, calm down, Teddy.
Hey, I'll go out to
Craggy Neck for you. What?
Really? Yeah,
I want to go to a nice place
and drag furniture under a deck.
Take us!
I could drag some furniture.
Well, that'd be a big help.
All right!
Wait, if you're algoing
to some beach house,
then I should go, too.
We could close
for a little while.
But, Dad, what if people want
to come to the restaurant?
Oh, right.
That's true. I p...
(chuckles) Just kidding, Dad.
Just kidding. Oh.
BOB: All right, we're here.
LOUISE: All right!
TINA and GENE: Yay!
Oh.
We're on the frickin' beach.
BOB: That is quite a view.
I mean, I know it's
the same ocean near our house,
but this one's better.
I mean, it's on the beach.
They probably have crabs
bringing them the newspaper.
That is the life.
Oh, and it's
so beautifully landscaped.
(gasps) Look at those boulders!
BOB: Gene, get off the boulders.
They love it!
(straining):
I got it. On my own.
Because I'm strong.
Good job, Dad!
Oh, so pretty inside.
(gasps) Oh. The door's open.
Should we go inside?
Just to close the door?
Well, I guess so.
I mean, how else
are we gonna close the door?
Oh. We're inside.
We're in the house.
How did that happen?
BOB: What are you doing?
BOTH: Aah!
You're trespassing.
You're in somebody's home.
Well, technically
it's somebody's summer home.
That's different, right?
Yeah. Totally legal.
We're just shutting the door.
Ooh, are we breaking
and entering?
As a family.
So it's okay.
Come stand next to me
for two seconds.
It'll feel
like we're on vacation.
No, Lin, we should go.
Wow, this is nice.
I feel really poor right now.
Yeah.
I guess we can stand here
for another two seconds.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
And then we'll leave.
Okay. But we're not
touching anything.
Yeah. Sure. Of course not.
Huh.
I think I like boats now.
Aw, these must be the owners.
Cute couple.
Little age difference
but that's okay.
Oh, and they travel.
Must be nice.
Pushing up the Leaning Tower.
Couple of hams.
Do you think
we should get a boat?
And a subscription
to a boat magazine?
Look at that ring!
Looks like a disco ball.
She's got Studio 54 on her hand.
I think I'm gonna get one.
I think I'm gonna get a boat;
A big boat.
Wait, what are we doing?
We-we got to go.
Kids, we're leaving!
Kids, we gotta go... oh, my God.
Game room.
Oh, hey, Dad.
Welcome to Funtown.
Oh, I forgot to get a big house
so we could get a pool table.
We do have to go, but first,
I should probably teach you kids
how to play pool.
We know how to play.
You just roll the balls
and hear them click.
So far I'm winning.
(grunts) Yes.
All right, kids, there are
a couple things in life
I'm really good at,
and pool is one of them.
What are the other things?
And don't say burgers.
Prepare for the thunder
that is my break.
Tina, step to the side.
I don't want the shockwave
to hit you.
(grunts)
Whoa.
(groans) That was terrible.
Yeah, I thought maybe it was,
but I wasn't sure,
so I just said "whoa."
It's probably the cue.
Oh, yeah. This one is...
crazy warped.
It looks straight to me.
Yeah, you can't use a cue
stick like this. No...
Okay.
This one feels not warped.
Corner pocket, your mouth
is open, I hope you're hungry!
Damn it!
Whoa... Is that...
is that good?
(thunder rumbling)
Ooh, they're skiers.
So sporty, those two.
Look like Hart to Hart. Do you
know who gave me this water?
The refrigerator did!
What?
Came right out of the door!
Goodness.
What are you up to?
I'm just curious
who these people are.
You know, what books they read,
what kind of music they like.
Got it.
You're snooping.
What?! I'm not snooping...
I'm just noticing.
Sure.
Ooh, they climbed a mountain.
Good for them.
Should we go "notice"
around in that room?
Ooh. Home office.
Look, they get mail.
That's fun.
Ooh, and we got a name!
Larry Goodwin.
Why do they have so many clocks?
How much time do you need?
Spooky. They all
stopped at 3:13.
Oh, wait, they all moved.
I think I figured it out.
Look at this:
They all say Goodwin.
Larry Goodwin!
Larry's rollin' in clock money!
So that's how you afford
a beach house.
We've been going about
it all wrong. Did you see
that drawer open all by itself?
It just popped open.
It did, didn't it?
Yeah, look at that.
Just popped right open.
Well, that's weird.
Aw, their wedding picture.
Wait, that woman looks different
than the one in
all the other pictures.
Huh. She does.
She had
a totally different forehead.
Must've got it reduced.
Mom, this is a different wife.
This must be the first wife!
(gasps)
(thunder crashes)
And Larry traded her in
for a newer, prettier model.
That bastard!
You think you know somebody!
Larry!
(front door opening) Oh, crap.
Oh, crap. Someone's here.
Are you just saying
that because I'm beating you?
Shh! Hide.
Bob? Linda?
You guys in here?
BOB: Yeah?
Why?
Right. Why.
Yeah. Why are you
inside the house?
Right. Teddy. Good question.
Right, Bob. What are you
doing in the house? Uh...
Linda? Jump in any time.
(chuckles) Wait a minute,
this isn't under the deck.
Bobby, why'd you make us
come in here, you silly?
Thanks, Lin, that was great.
Sorry, Teddy.
We shouldn't have come in.
Poking around, huh?
Trying the hall on for size?
I get it.
You take a bath? What? No.
Your loss.
Teddy, why are you here?
We came all this way
so you wouldn't have to.
The weather's
getting real stormy.
I thought I ought to make sure
the house is all sealed up.
Yeah, I'm sure Larry Goodwin
would appreciate it.
Much more than he appreciated
his first wife,
who dared to age.
Huh?
Keep up, Dad.
Right on, Mom.
I wouldn't know anything
about Larry. I never met him.
He died
before I started working here.
(gasps) Larry's dead?
Larry's dead!
Yeah. Terrible accident.
He slipped on the widow's walk
up on the roof and fell onto
the decorative boulders below.
I thought those boulders
seemed traumatized.
Helen, the wife, she's a doll.
Nicest woman in the world.
Poor thing witnessed the fall
from the rose garden.
Oh, my... oh, my God.
What if Little Miss Second Wife
didn't witness the death?
What if she did the death?!
(gasping)
Of course!
What?
Helen killed her husband
for his clock fortune!
She's a black widow! We are in
the tastefully decorated house
of a killer.
Huh. It is tastefully decorated.
It's all right.
TEDDY: Come on!
Helen's not a murderer.
Whoa, Lin,
That's a pretty big accusation.
Ye, well,
murder's a pretty big crime.
All right. Time to go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dad.
We're not leaving
until we find evidence
we can take to the fuzz.
This is a hot cold case.
Yeah, we owe it to Larry
and his clock family.
You two cannot be serious.
Look at her shifty snake eyes.
Yeah, if you take away
her warm smile,
she's got the ice-cold stare
of an ice-cold murderer.
TINA: And if you take away her
nose, she looks really weird.
GENE: Yeah, and if you
take away half of her face,
she's like...
half face.
Guys, come on. This is Helen
we're talking about.
She was in the rose garden
when Larry slipped and fell.
Oh, you mean Larry,
the mountain climber,
'Cause he didn't slip! Helen
pushed him off the widow's walk!
She pushed him!
No, no, no, no.
You're really stretching, guys.
Teddy, what else can you tell
us about Larry's "accident"?
Eh, it was a freak thing.
The guy leaned against
the railing and it gave way.
The cops said it was loose.
I bet she loosened the railing.
With what? Magic?
What could possibly remove
a nail from wood?
The back of a hammer.
The-the thingies.
Teddy, where does
she keep her tools?
She doesn't have any tools.
She's not very handy.
Also... Eh, forget it.
What, Teddy? What?
Well, I think she might be
hiring me because she's lonely.
She's definitely not a killer.
She's really
the sweetest little thing.
She's not little,
she's regular-sized.
Aw, just talking about her
gets me all frazzled.
Teddy, do you have
a crush on Helen?
What? Huh? No.
Aw! Does she have
a crush on you?
Does she drop
things in front of you
so you both have to bend
down and pick them up?
Sometimes we have
tea on the deck
and just talk for
what feels like minutes.
Linda, can we have
a word in private?
No.
Yes.
What, Bob?
I'm onto something here.
You're not.
I am.
The only thing you're doing
is messing up
a possible relationship
for Teddy.
This Helen lady sounds
like she's nice and lonely,
and Teddy
is probably a good match
for someone nice and lonely.
Or anyone.
Teddy should date anyone
that likes him, basically.
Anyone except someone
who's gonna murder him.
But maybe even that's okay.
For Teddy.
(gasps) Oh my God,
I just thought of something.
Teddy, so Larry landed
on the decorative boulders
in the backyard?
That's right.
Look at this photo.
Notice anything?
TINA: Even at his age,
Larry could still
pull off cargo shorts?
Mm-hmm.
(gasps) There are no boulders!
Exactly!
'Cause Helen put 'em there
when she came on to the scene.
And then she pushed Larry right
onto 'em, ensuring his death.
You guys are really jumping
to conclusions here.
You mean pushing
to conclusions, Dad?
Teddy, how do you get up
to the widow's walk?
We're gonna reenact
a little murder.
(wind blowing) TEDDY:
Storm's really whipping up
out there!
I can't hear you!
The storm's really whipping up!
Linda! You're not going
out there. It's too dangerous!
It's fine, it's fine!
Whoa! (grunting)
Never mind, never mind.
Let's do it inside.
(quietly):
Mom's hair looks terrible.
I know. I can't look at her.
But you can't look away.
I'm just looking
kind of to the side.
Okay, so here's
what I think happened.
Bob, you're Larry.
No.
Sweet, dead Larry.
Ugh, God.
I'm Helen.
I'm a bad person,
and I want your money
so onto the boulders with you!
(grunts)
Ow!
(Linda whoops) Ow, my back.
Did you actually have
to push me?
I think that's exactly
how it happened, Mom.
Uh-huh. Nah, nah.
There's no way Helen's a killer.
Seriously, I think my back is...
(moans) bad.
All right, all right, you baby.
Let's help you onto the couch.
(quietly):
Dad's hair looks horrible.
It always looks horrible.
There we go. We never should
have come into this house.
(screaming)
It's all right, everybody.
It's probably just a brownout.
I'm not, like, too scared.
(screaming)
Helen! Hey.
You're here.
(gasps) It's her.
(quietly):
Her hair looks amazing.
Let's ask her where she goes.
So, Helen, uh,
I thought you were in New York.
I decided to get away for
a few days to my vacation home.
And who are these people
in my vacation home?
Right. These are my friends.
They're a family.
They're Belchers. Sorry,
you see, I asked them to...
You take your dirty children
and get the hell out! (gasps)
Oh, God.
Helen, I'm sorry. I...
(chuckling): I'm kidding!
(laughing nervously)
What a fun, terrifying joke.
Isn't she a hoot?
Oh, I'm glad you're here.
I've been driving for hours
in that storm.
Surprised the roads are open.
Welcome!
I'm Helen.
Hi, I'm Bob. These are my kids,
Tina, Gene, and Louise.
And this is my wife Linda.
Nice to meet ya, Helen.
You're making a lot
of eye contact, little girl.
That's a killer handshake
you've got there.
Thank you. I'm, uh...
I'm really squeezing.
Anyways, we should get home
before the roads get
any worse. Come on, kids.
What?! Mom, I thought
you wanted to solve the crime!
Safety first!
I have to protect my babies!
Helen, what car
snacks do you have?
Oh, I need to not stand up.
Are you okay? Nah, he's fine.
He's faking it. Come on.
I'm not faking.
My wife pushed me.
Yeah, pushed by a lady.
You know how that is, Helen.
BOB: Louise.
You know, I have some
pain relievers from back
when I used to take
a lot of pain relievers.
Would you like some?
Yes, please.
No, he doesn't.
No, no, no.
Uh, yes, I would. Thank you.
Great. I'll be right back.
See? She's nice.
Do you think she likes me?
I'm not really a fair judge
since she wasn't too helpful
with the car snacks.
Bob, we got to get out of here!
She's a killer!
Linda, I can't go anywhere
because someone pushed me.
Mom, we got to stay
and see this through!
This case could
make our careers!
There is a 90% chance
she kills us in the next hour!
She's a nice lady
whose husband fell off a roof.
You've got to stop.
Does anyone
have any cologne? Gene?
No. I'm not allowed
to wear cologne again
until I prove I can be
responsible with it.
I have a cough drop
in my pocket.
Give it.
(jabbering)
All I know is that woman is a mur...
...maid. Mermaid!
And that's the history
of mermaids.
Oh, thanks, Mom!
Such amazing creatures.
Hey, Helen.
(laughs) Hi. And here you go.
Oh! Boop! Uh, boopsie. Oh!
What happened there?
Crazy arms.
Good thing there's more
where that came from.
Here you go.
Ha! (mumbling)
Bobby! (grunting)
Wow, What a fun couple you are!
(thunder crashing)
Ah, it's been a while since
we've had a storm like this.
I locked down all the windows.
Nothing's getting in.
Okay, water's getting in
that one, that one's leaking.
Bob, she might be trying
to poison you!
Yeah, Dad, do you
have a death wish?
People don't put poison
in pills.
They put it in food or drinks.
You know what would be great
right now? Hot chocolate.
(thunder crashes)
Huh...?
(sing-songy): Mini marshmallows!
Would be nice right now,
but I don't have any.
You have a car.
Oh, none for me, thanks.
Yeah, sorry, we don't like
hot chocolate, any of us.
Mother, you do not speak for me.
I didn't know
I didn't like hot chocolate.
Yeah, you don't.
(gulping) I'll take theirs.
I could drink a gallon
of this stuff.
It burned the crap out
of my tongue, but I love it.
Teddy's dead.
He's friggin' dead!
(grunts) Ow!
Hey, these pain meds
are starting to kick in.
And my back is feeling
A... oh, much better.
Happy to help. I took a couple,
and I'm right there with ya.
Yeah. These are good.
Oh, yeah.
I'd take more.
I always take more.
So, Helen, sorry to hear
about your late husband.
Oh, yes, he was a good man.
Good, good, good, good, good.
Uh-huh. Good taste, too, huh?
Well, he chose me. (laughs) Ow.
Oh, no, I just meant
those beautiful
decorative boulders out back.
So solid and jagged.
Did Larry pick those out?
Oh, no, I picked those out.
Larry had the tackiest
taste in boulders.
So you picked those out.
How interesting.
Very interesting.
Very interesting.
Yeah. I guess.
I don't think so.
So, uh, Larry was quite
the mountain climber, huh?
Larry? No.
No, I'm the climber.
I had to drag him
to all those mountains.
Larry used to call me
"Mount St. Helen."
Which I don't get.
Oh, so he wasn't
a good mountain climber?
Yeah, he wasn't good at all.
Huh.
Total klutz.
That's so Larry.
You know, you have such
a lovely home, Helen.
Looks like Larry left you
very comfortable.
Oh, no, he left nearly
everything to charity.
Oh. Hmm.
Charity.
Well, everything
except this house.
And the place in New York.
And Aspen.
I'll get by.
Uh, you know what?
I got to poop, and would anyone
like to join me?
Family meeting.
Of course, Mother, I could poop.
Come on, everyone!
Bobby, you might not have to go,
but I want you to try, honey.
I can't move.
I'm gonna stay here with Henry.
Helen.
My name is Bob.
Okay, so she put in
the boulders. That's guilty.
Guilty as hell. All the more
reason to get you kids out of here.
But Larry was a klutz,
So maybe he did just fall off
his own roof.
Wait. Didn't he leave
all his money to charity?
Right. True.
But how do we know Helen's telling
the truth about that?
Well, whatever her deal is,
let's get out
of this beautiful death house.
And home
to our hideous life house.
Fine, but if anyone asks,
we solved this thing,
and we were brilliant.
(thunder crashing) Ah, it's
really coming down out there.
The rain... it's an expression,
I think.
You get it.
I totally get it.
You know, you have
a wonderful family. And Teddy.
You have a wonderful family
and Teddy.
I can't believe Linda thinks
that you killed your husband.
(laughs) What? She does?
Mm-hmm. (laughs)
She does.
She thinks
you loosened the railing,
and you pushed him
onto the boulders.
But she's crazy,
and you're nice.
It's really coming down
out there.
I got to use that.
(laughs)
That's a crazy expression.
(snoring)
Okay, we all pooped.
Uh, Bob, let's hit the road.
You know, Linda,
I have a suspicion
you didn't all go poop.
What? Of course we did.
Something smells, Linda,
and it's not the bathroom.
TEDDY:
Road's completely flooded.
No one's getting in
or out of here tonight.
What? I guess it looks like you'll
have to stay the night here.
No. That's all right.
We can swim home.
Linda, I insist,
and I always get my way.
I'm very... pushy.
I call couch!
(snoring)
So, do you still think
Helen's a murderer?
Yes, I do, but if we're all
gonna get killed,
we may as well go out
playing video games.
Well, I think she's innocent.
No, she's a man-eater,
like Ms. Pac Man here.
Ms. Pac Man eats
ghosts and fruit!
Don't bring her into this!
Oh, Helen,
me sleep in your room?
On the floor though, right?
Not on the floor?
In the bed with you? Okay.
Spooning? Sure.
You want to be the big spoon?
You want...?
No, you want me
to be the big spoon.
Whoa, I hadn't thought of that.
Okay, I'll take first watch.
In a couple hours, we'll switch.
Yeah, yup, you got it, Gene.
I'm not Gene. I'm your wife
Linda. Rub my face.
No. HELEN: Linda.
Aah! Oh, I didn't see you there.
'Cause I snuck up on you.
Come, take a walk with me.
No, no. I'm pretty tired.
Come, come.
Mm. Mm. I'm grabbing your arm,
you're walking with me.
Here we go.
(hatch creaking, wind howling)
Why you want to come up here?
I wanted to check in with you.
You wanted to check in, huh,
on the widow's walk? I did.
Because your husband says
you think I killed my husband.
No, no, don't listen to him.
He's-he's stoned
out of his mind.
I can tell by your face.
(whimpers)
And because you're backing away.
(gasps)
Every time I walk towards you.
(whimpers)
On the widow's walk.
Helen.
Where my husband died.
Died, Larry.
(sing-songy): Look who's here!
The pool man!
Rack 'em up, Gene.
Pool's in session.
Yay! It's loopy Dad!
Am I talking funny?
(slurring): Ahdo. Ahl. Ahourr.
All right, let's play pool.
Wait. Where's Mom?
She went with Helen.
Why?
'Cause Helen wanted to
talk to her and be, like,
"Why do you think
I killed my husband?"
Why would she be like that?
'Cause I told her Linda
thinks she killed her husband.
And why would you
tell her that?!
Because we're friends, Gene!
Oh, my God.
I got to find her!
Okay, Helen, just stop
moving, and I'll stop moving.
(rolling thunder)
Oh, Linda, be careful.
You're standing almost exactly
where Larry fell from.
It's very slippery.
Back off, sister! Wait.
You were in the rose garden
when you saw Larry fall, right?
Mm, I was.
I was so in the rose garden.
Then why can't we see the rose
garden from this very spot?!
You can. It's right there.
Oh, right, yeah.
Pretty. (laughs) Linda, I didn't
kill Larry. I loved Larry.
Okay, I didn't love him,
but I... but I liked him.
I liked being married to him.
Right, yeah, yeah.
Okay, I didn't like being
married to him,
but I liked getting married
to him.
Yeah, sure. Okay,
I didn't like our wedding day.
It was a hard day. But the point
is, I'm not a murderer.
I didn't kill him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, I thought
about killing him. Who hasn't?
But I didn't. I-I couldn't.
Right, right.
Okay, I could, but I didn't.
Oh, sure, yeah.
Because he died.
Oh, God!
Aah! Oh! Oh!
You saved me.
Of course I did.
If I let you fall, they would
think that I killed you,
and I'm not going
through that again.
Well, thank you.
I'm sorry for
accusing you of murder.
You definitely didn't do it?
I definitely didn't do it.
You didn't push him
and then kill him?
I didn't push anybody!
All right.
Well, give me huggies. Oh.
Aah, I'm pushing you!
Oh, my face!
No, I'm just kidding.
I'm kid... I'm just kidding.
Oh. Ha, ha!
Get away from my mom!
Louise, no! She didn't do it!
(yelling) Ow! My neck!
So sharp! Oh! So sharp!
(Louise grunting)
Stop! Stop! Stop!
Oh, boy!
Get her off!
Sorry!
She won't let us cut her nails.
(yelling)
I'm so sorry, Helen.
How many times do I have
to tell you people?
Helen is not a murderer!
I know, I know. She promised
she didn't kill Larry.
Now we're gal pals.
Of course she didn't kill Larry!
She's a great woman.
And she's got
interesting collar bones
and a perfect forehead,
and-and she's...
I didn't mean to
say all that. I...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
(overlapping shouting)
Ow! Aah!
That's the guest bedroom!
Ow! Ooh! Other bedroom!
Oh! I got
to fix that shingle! Oh!
Ow! Ground. Sweet ground.
I'm alive, everyone!
Teddy!
You fell so far!
And for so long!
How are you alive?
I fell on the floor,
and I can barely walk.
I guess you can just
slip and fall off the roof.
I fall off roofs all the time.
Helen, your story checks out.
I'm so glad you're okay.
Did-did you mean that stuff
you said up there? Uh, yeah?
Well, I think you're great and
have pretty good collarbones,
and if you ever
took off that hat,
I bet you've got a forehead
that goes all the way back.
Aw.
So sweet.
Let's get you inside.
Yeah.
Hey, look... a mud box.
Hey, Henry, I found something.
I see you did.
Some crappy tool box.
I know why you buried this.
You do?
Because you didn't want Teddy
to think you had tools,
so he'd come over and fix stuff.
Right.
(sing-songy):
Because you like him.
I do.
It's okay.
I won't tell anybody
about your secret tools.
You know, I don't think
you're gonna remember
any of this anyway.
Yeah.
Let's go inside.
We're not inside?
LINDA: So listen, honey,
next time you're in town,
you and, uh, Teddy come by,
have dinner
at the restaurant, on us.
What? (laughs) Well, I'd like that very
much. What kind of restaurant is it?
Slop shop. Butt hut. It's nice.
I am in. Perfect!
I'll go there now and wait.
What a wonderful
little adventurecation!
Oh, I hurt so much.
Take it easy, killer!
Ha! Killer.
Okay, see you soon!
Helen, another pill.
Be safe!
Give me another pill.
Here you go. Buh-bye!
BOB: Thank you.
LINDA: Don't kill anyone!
Nah, you got it!
What a sweetheart.
Ooh, let's go break into
someone's lake house.
TEDDY: ♪ I'm falling for Helen ♪
♪ And there's no tellin' ♪
♪ Just how far
a fella can fall ♪
♪ For sure-fitted, strong-armed,
wild-eyed widow like Helen ♪
♪ Buh, buh-dah-dah, buh-duh ♪
♪ There's no tellin' ♪
♪ Just how far
a fella can fall ♪
♪ For a pill-poppin',
home-wreckin' ♪
♪ Long-necked widow like Helen ♪
♪ Bah, bah-dah-dah, bump-ba ♪
♪ I'm falling for Helen... ♪
♪ Bah, da, bah-dah-dah,
ba, bup... ♪