Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 18 - Eat, Spray, Linda - full transcript

My birthday.

Boy...

Ah. Oh. I can't even
say it to myself.

Forty-f...

Forty-f...

Oh. Maybe I'll sleep
through this one.

Mom!
Are you up yet?

We may or may not have
a surprise for you.

We're coming in!

Put your boobs away.

Excuse me, young lady,
we're looking for our mother,



to serve her breakfast in bed
on her birthday.

Yeah, we don't mean
to bother you.

You're obviously in the
middle of a photo shoot,

'cause you're a
youthful supermodel.

Guys, this is Mom.

What?!
Oh!

Happy birthday, Mom!

Happy toast, eggs and
orange juice, pretty mom!

Thank you, kids.

It's lovely.

The best part of my birthday

is my babies bringing me
breakfast in bed every year.

Ah-ah-ah,
not so fast.

There might be more this year.
Oh.



Okay, "add a drop of witch hazel
to the egg whites

for even tighter,
smoother skin."

Don't have witch hazel,
but how about vinegar?

Same thing. Maybe.

Linda is gonna love this.

"You're right, Bob.

You're the best husband."

Thank you, vinegar.

I'm glad witch hazel's not here.

Oh.

Oh, the toast is a little burnt.

Yep, just the way
you like it.

Oh, and hard.
Burnt and hard.

Every year I say, "Why does
she like it this way?"

But then I say, "Hey, make
it the way she likes it."

Kids, I could use
a little help in here.

But we like
to watch her graze, Dad.

Go on, I'm good.

Maybe bring me some new toast!

Stir until frothy.

That's subjective.

Kids, does this look frothy
to you?

Mm... I've seen
frothier.

What is that, egg whites?

Mostly. And vinegar.

Gene, would you slice up that cucumber?
On it.

And, Tina, can you do this?

A mayonnaise hair treatment?

Mom's hair is gonna shine
like a beautiful sandwich.

Why is home spa
day so delicious?

Oh, Louise, and can you just
clean up this mess?

What?!
You're the youngest.

I'm also the worst at cleanup.
Look.

Gene, after you're done with
the cucumbers, clean up. No.

Tina, after you do
the hair treatment,

can you clean up?
Okay.

Can I come out now?

Not yet, Lin!

What?

How about now?

Almost!

Now?

Not really close
at all, sorry.

Oh... Well, did you happen
to get milk yesterday?

Huh?

No, I forgot.

I was preoccupied
with something

That I think
you're gonna like!

That's nice,

but somebody has
to do the shopping!

I'll do it this afternoon!

Okay, I'm getting a little
cabin fever in here.

What if I go to the store
and do our shopping

while you guys do
whatever you're doing

that I don't know about?

Stay in there!

Don't make us chain you up!

Actually, that could
work out perfectly.

We could use the extra time.
What?

I'm gonna blindfold her.

Double-bag the head.

Ow.
Doing good.

Ow.

Little to the left.

Ow! Louise!

I-I said to your left.

Ow. Ow.
And we're here.

Ugh. Why'd I have
to be blindfolded?

'Cause you're a sneaky peeky.

Hey, take your time, Lin.

Uh, treat yourself.

Go to the good store.
You mean the one that's further away?

Yeah!

The good store?

Get the premium fudge pops!

Don't you come home
without them!

Yeah, for your birthday.

Right, happy birthday!
See you when you get back!

- Bye.
- Oh, and can you get more mayonnaise?

We're out and
I need it today.

But not for a surprise.

Just, um, 'cause I need it.

Okay, Tina.
Thank you.

Good-bye.

It was nice, Ginger.
It was nice, as always.

But then they wanted me
to stay in my room forever

while they set
something else up.

I was going crazy in there!

Meanwhile, no one
did the shopping,

so that's what I'm doing.

Ugh, chalk festival.

What's next,
a crayon convention?

A pencil parade? Right?

Anyway, I know
my family means well,

but I wish I could just
tell them I hate my birthday.

You get to a certain age
and they're no fun.

In my 20s, I had va va voom,

now I just have
va va.

And it feels like breakfast
in bed is just practice now

for when they put me
in a home, right?

Well, anyway, thanks for
letting me vent, Ginger.

Sorry for the long voice mail.

Call me when you can.

Love you, kid. Bye.

This is taking forever.

I can help whoever's next
on check stand three!

Oh, great.

Thank you.
Uh, hey, excuse me!

He said whoever's next.
That's me.

I'm next in line.

You were behind me, 'member?

You were just over there...
Oh, it's okay.

I only have a few things.

This and that
and this other thing.

A few things?
She's got a cart full of juice.

Deirdre! How's it going?
Hi!

Oh, my God,
they know each other.

Is all of this for
"Chalk of the Town"?

Yeah, we're hoping for
a bigger turnout this year.

Ugh, that stupid
chalk festival.

I'm not sure about
these cups though.

Mm, good instinct.

Since you brought it up,
these are not the good cups.

What?

Tell me everything.

They leak. I don't know
why I even sell them.

We have better cups
for the same price.

The ones on the bottom shelf,
ironically.

Well, clearly I got to have
those cups.

Go get them.
I'll wait for you.

Oh, thanks.

I'm here till 3:00, I don't care.
Unbelievable.

Oh, and you might want to
grab some more ice, too.

- It's a hot one.
- Good idea!

She'll just be a second.
You don't mind, right?

Great, thanks.

So, you're not done yet.

Let's take a look
at this receipt,

see how much you saved today.

Oh, gosh, yes.

Oh, my God, please!

Just end this!

We're not getting
any younger over here!

Well, don't blame us for that.

Anyway, thanks again
for the tip on the cups.

Hey, no problem. Let me
know how they work out.

Nice, uh, chalking with you.

Oh-ho-ho, you!

Finally!

You sure you guys are done?

Hold on. I have to put these old cups back.

Stupid birthday.

I hate cups.

Nuts!

Old flower petals
from Mort's? Check.

That's great, Tina.
We'll spread them

from the front door into
the bathroom to the tub.

Huh.

Hmm.
Huh. Yeah.

That's, like, six... six petals.

Yeah, not a lot of
funerals this month.

Mort said to check back
around the holidays.

Maybe just one in the hallway,
one in the doorway,

and then one at the tub?
Yeah.

Well, we could get some branches.
Yeah, I don't...

I'm not sure that will
have the same impact.

Hmm.

Okay, well, just
float those in the tub.

That'll still be nice.

And here's my New Age
relaxation CD.

A lady having a garage sale
forced me to take it.

That's pretty relaxing, I guess.

Is... is
that whales?

I think it's...
the saddest whale.

This isn't that
bad, you guys.

I think we may have actually
pulled this together.

I mean, I know your mom, and
she's really gonna like this.

This could end up being
a pretty decent birthday.

Pretty decent birthday?

More like best birthday!

Best birthday?

Best day of her life!

Oh, mm...

Oh, come on!

Aw, gum?

Ew!

Damn it! Wha... oh!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

I hate my birthday!

Hi. Me again.

Uh, I locked my keys in
my car and I was wondering

if I could use your phone
to call my husband.

Mm, I'm sorry.

Our phone is for employees only.

It's an emergency!

Locking your keys in your car

is not an emergency.
What?

You can't check into
a hospital with

a bad case of "you locked
your keys in your car."

You know what? Fine.

I'll ask to borrow
someone's cell phone.

No harassing our customers.

Did you know
your pants are ripped?

Yes!

Uh, excuse me, sir,
can I borrow your cell phone?

I locked my keys in my car,
and I got to call my husband.

Uh, I don't, uh,
have a cell phone.

You don't?

What's that right there?
What's that?

I don't know. I got to go.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
come back!

I'm a good person!

Hmm. Your mom's not
picking up her phone.

Um, let me try Aunt Gayle.

Hi, Gayle, it's Bob.

Uh, have you heard
from Linda today?

Yes, I know
it's her birthday, Gayle.

I just don't know
where she is.

Yeah... calm down, Gayle.
I-I'm sure she's fine.

Gayle, pull yourself...

Gayle. Gayle! Gayle!

Oh, my God, there she is.

Hi, Linda.

Uh, Gayle,
she just walked in.

She's fine, she looks great.

Call you back later. Bye.

You know Mom's not
really here, right?

Yes, Tina.

Because you said she was...
you saw her.

I know, but I was...
Forget it.

Were you lying?
All right. Yes.

Listen, your mom probably just
ran out of gas or something.

I'll call Teddy and see if he
can drive us out to the store.

Wow. Going to the store with
Teddy?

Happy birthday to us.

Hi.
Hi.

I know I look a little crazy,
but I'm having a rough day.

Uh-huh.
It's my birthday...

Happy birthday!
...and I locked my keys

and my cell phone
in my car at the grocery store.

Oh! The worst.
Yeah.

And I'm just trying to get home.

Does this bus go to the wharf?

You're in luck, yes!

Oh! Please take me.

I swear I will pay you the fare

once I get it from my apartment.
Please.

Okay. Come on up.

Oh! Oh, thank God.

Thank you! Ha.

Finally,
something's going right.

You won't regret this.

Wait, wait, wait,
where you going?

The wharf is the other way!

This is the express
to Wildwood Wharf.

What wharf did you think?

Wonder Wharf! The one I was
pointing at!

I just thought you
were a bad pointer.

Pull over
so I can get off.

I can't pull over;
We're on the highway.

You'll have to wait until
we get to our next stop.

Oh, my God.

Uh, well,
I guess I'll just get on

the next bus going
the other way, right?

That'd be me on my way back.
Oh!

Shouldn't be more
than an hour and a half.

Might as well just stay on.

Hey, we can play
the alphabet game!

An hour and a half?

Oh. I'll just walk back.

Fine, we'll play till the next stop.

There's an "A" on that sign.

I'm winning. There's a "B."

You're falling behind!
I got two!

It's gonna be fun.

Ugh, those poor fudge pops.

They don't stand a chance.

They'll refreeze though,
right? Right?!

Sure they will, but
they'll be in weird shapes.

Ugh, super weird.
Yeah.

Where are you, Mom?!

Okay, she's not in the store,
but she definitely was.

The checker did not like her.

That was clear.
How could you tell?

It was clear.
What do you mean?

He said so. He hated her.

He said he hate...
"I hated..."

"...your wife."
Huh.

But he did say he thinks
she took off walking.

And we didn't see her
on the drive here,

so she must have walked
in a different way?

We'll never find her!

There are dozens
of ways to walk home!

And dozens of women walking!

How will we know
which one is her?

I'm already forgetting
what she looks like.

She's a woman.
I think she's... tall.

Does she have glasses?

I can't remember.

Yes! Yes, she does.

All right, let's focus, okay?

She has a hook for
a hand! I'm sure of it!

Gene, no.

Okay, so if I'm gonna walk it,

I could cut through that way?

You're pointing at me.
Where did you learn to point?

No, I'm pointing through you.

But it's at me.
The other side of the...

Oh, behind me?

Well, that makes
a lot more sense.

Yeah, no, that's where
you want to walk.

Okay, thanks, Andrew.

Bye, Linda.

Bye.
Okay, bye, Linda.

Happy birthday.
Beep-beep.

That's me; The horn
doesn't work.

Bye.

Well, this is the only other
street your mom could've taken.

Where is she?
We got to find her.

Every minute
we're not with her,

she's having a worse
and worse birthday.

She must have stopped somewhere,
but where would she go?

Is Chaka Khan in town?

Nope, she doesn't come
through till December.

Mom probably got hungry.

She needs to eat
every 15 minutes

or she becomes a monster.

But she doesn't have
any money.

She locked her purse
in the car.

Oh, Devendorf's Bakery.

They're really generous
with their samples.

Mom and I go there a lot.

You do?
Well, it's actually been a while.

We're both worried
about bathing suit season.

I guess it's worth a try.

To Devendorf's Bakery!

To free samples!

Ugh, mud.

Okay, Linda.

Try to look on the bright side.

How often do you get to walk
through a field?

It's kind of neat. Look around.

It's a nice day.

Oh, here's a pretty flower. Oh!

Oh, God, uh-oh, it's skunk.

Oh, he's sleeping.

Just gonna tiptoe away
and not bother you.

Oh, God!

Oh, my face!

Oh, God, that stupid skunk!

Nocturnal idiot!

Whoa!

Oh, for the love of Pete!

I can still see out of one side.

Sort of.
What's that black fuzzy thing?

Oh, you little skunk!

So this is where you go
with your mom, huh?

Yeah, now let me do
the talking.

You just look cute.

Hey, you, long time no see.

How's the pumpernickel today?

Dry? Better try a sample.

Hello, uh, I'm looking
for my wife.

She's got black hair
and red glasses.

And amazing wrists,
but huge hands.

Teddy.
What? I'm just trying to be specific.

You mean her?

Yes. Wait, why do you have
a photo of...

Wait, what does that say
on the picture?

It says "Do not feed."

What?
Do not feed.

Your wife was abusing
our free sample policy.

She hasn't been in here
since we posted the photo.

She's been coming here
without me?

What did that guy do?

He wants his crusts cut off.

What did she do?

She touches everything.
Everything.

What did he do?

He's really racist.

What did that baby do?

He's just a jerk.
Okay, fine.

Thank you. Uh, we're leaving.

Kids, let's go.

You know, maybe don't
give out free samples

and then get mad at people
when they eat them.

Well, you know, unfortunately,
we can't bake enough in a day

to fill your wife's giant hands.

There's only so much
pumpernickel in the world.

What did you say?

Oh-ho, you poor dumb baker.

Here comes the thunder.

Guess what?
No one talks about...

Hey.

My wife's giant hands...

- Easy.
- On her birthday!

Except for Teddy, because...

All right... he also...

complimented...
her wrists!

And this pumpernickel is dry!

And a little dirty.

Please give me a ride!

- I locked my keys in my car...
- Oh, God, go, go!

And I got on the wrong bus
and it's my birthday!

All right, let's all think.

Where else could your mom
have possibly gone

between the grocery store
and home?

Okay, okay, I'm Mom.

I'm walking around, I'm singing.

She stopped to poop!

Of course!
Why didn't I think of that?

We should check the bathroom
in the lobby

of the Royal Oyster Hotel.

Why that one?
It's Mom's favorite.

What?
So that's what Mom means

when she says she's going
to shuck an oyster.

Oh, my God.

I want to see this bathroom.

I could go.

Let's go to
the Royal Oyster Hotel.

Should we call ahead
to let them know

we'll all be pooping?

Oh, like you guys
smell so good.

Uh, turns out
it was just number one.

Thank you, Teddy.

Not for me.
I hit a grand slam.

Really good job, Gene.

Thank you.
No Mom.

But they did get
a new potpourri.

Mom's gonna love it.

Excuse me, are you
guests of the hotel?

No, uh, we're, uh, we're...
we're just looking for my wife.

She sometimes comes here to...
use the... restroom.

Oh, Linda?

You must be Bob!

Yes. Wait, y-you know her?

Well, as much
as you can know a woman

who comes to your hotel
once or twice a week to poop.

Hey, isn't it
her birthday today?

Uh, yes.

Hey, Tim.
Have you seen Linda today?

Oh, please, it's barely noon.

♪ She does her B.M.
in the p.m. ♪

Hi, Tim.

♪ Hey, Tina ♪

♪ How you doing, girl? ♪

Huh, well, she's not here,
so we better go.

What? No, stay a little.

We finally get to meet you
after all these years.

Years?
Where does the time go?

We-we really
got to find my wife.

Nice meeting you though.

Bye.
Bye.

Say hi to Linda for me.

Tell her we got new potpourri.

She was absolutely right.

Uh, will do.

Just four more blocks.

Oh, God, this thing?

Welcome to Chalk of the Town.

Oh, God, it's you.

Oh, you and your dumb cups.

What happened?

Oh, you smell.

It's been a rough morning,
Deirdre.

What is that,
some sort of street diaper?

You're a street diaper.

No, you're the street diaper.
No, you!

Okay, you're the one actually
wearing a street diaper,

so if anyone is a
street diaper, it's you.

Step aside, street diaper.
I'm going through.

Oh, not without a
ticket, I'm afraid.

Well, I'm afraid
it's a public street,

so get out of my way.

You should have been nicer
at the grocery store

and maybe I would.

Uh-oh! Your cups are spilling!

What are you do... Oh, my God.

I guess these weren't
the good ones after all.

Oh, don't!

Stop! No!

My chalksterpiece!

Do not move.

Just carefully step off.

What is this?

It's the story of America,

and you're scuffing it up,
you hag!

Hag?!

Yep.
You know what I think?

I think I'm gonna do
a little twist.

No. No.
A little twist and shout.

No! Don't you do it.
A twist a twisty shout.

How-how about the Charleston?

I'm gonna Charleston
on your face!

Come back here!
I'm gonna get you!

Help!

She's crazy!
Get back here!

She's destroying the art!

No, I'm not! You're the one
stepping all over everything!

Sorry, sorry!

Ooh, good manhole!

Ooh, space!

Hi, aliens!
Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa!

Damn it!

Wow. People are
very divided on your mom.

Where is she?

Does this town have cults?

Maybe she joined
one of those.

I might know a place
where she could be.

Where?
She's probably not there.

I shouldn't have said anything.

Let's definitely not go.

Well, she's not here.
Let's call it.

Wait, Louise,
you and your mom come here?

Used to come.

To pet the puppies?

No. I guess.

I don't know; I've never even
come inside the store.

I'm always outside
just pitching pennies,

breaking bottles,
you know, being a hoodlum.

Hey, Louise,
I thought that was you.

Oh, hi, Robert.

Want me to get out
Colonel Fluffles again?

He missed you.

Hi, Louise, how you doing?

Oh, God, don't
make eye contact.

He's reeling me in.

Colonel Fluffles!

You're so...

♪ Someone comes
to the pet store with Mom. ♪

I'm beginning to think my
secret bathroom trips with Mom

aren't as fun
as what you guys do.

Uh, he's getting old.

I'm just a puppy.

Well, he's got cloudy
eyes this time.

Yeah, I know,
his eyes are a little...

But I'm fine.
Don't worry about me.

I'm a scrapper.

Oh, he looks lumpier
than last time.

I'm a little bit lumpy,
but that's just more to love.

Yes, that is.

Want to say hi
to Uncle Feathers?

All right!

Did it just say "all right"?

All right!

Wow. Your mom leads a rich,

kind of odd life
that I did not know about.

Bobby, does this parrot
make me look cool?

Oh, crap. I just realized,

if Linda gets home,
she can't get in.

She doesn't have her keys.

One of us
should have stayed behind.

Not it.
Gene, it's too late.

N-Never mind. Let's go.

Ha!

Ha! Ha-ha!

I did it!
I actually made it home.

Bob! Kids!

Let me in!

Mommy's home!

It's the birthday girl!

Where are they?

Aah!

Ooh.

Aah!

Not gonna let this birthday win.

Yes! I win!

Son of a bitch.

Ha!

Ha-ha!

Whoa!

Mom?
Lin?

Happy Spa Day.

That's me.

You sure it was
only one skunk, Mom?

No, it was two,
or it was the same guy twice.

Mom, is it cool if
I dip my grilled cheese

in your tomato bath?
Yeah, go ahead.

Yeah!
So, wait, what color were the horses again?

Just plain brown, I guess.
Yes.

Lin, I got to tell you,

I learned some new things
about you today.

Stuff I didn't know.

Stuff I respect, kind of,

and I'm glad to say,
after all these years,

I'm still finding
little surprises.

Also, I wrote all of that
in your birthday card.

See?
Oh, yeah.

Aw.

Yep, I did that.

But sorry your birthday
was horrible, Lin.

Hey, don't be sorry.

This was the best birthday ever.
What?

Yeah. I kicked this day's butt.

I still got it.

I think I might
even be getting better.

I want this
to be the new tradition.

Every year on my birthday,

you blindfold me
and you drop me off somewhere

with no cell phone
and no money,

and I have to make my way home.
Deal!

Now let's Bloody Mary up
this tub! It's Mommy's birthday!

- Gene, grab the vodka!
- All right. On it!

♪ B.M. in the p.m. ♪

♪ She does a B.M. in the p.m. ♪

♪ Not number one, number two ♪

♪ It's a potpourri
for you and me, yeah ♪

♪ She does a B.M. in the p.m. ♪

♪ You gotta ♪
♪ When she gotta go, yeah ♪

♪ B.M. in the p.m. ♪

♪ She gotta go, yeah,
when she gotta go, yeah ♪

♪ B.M. in the p.m. ♪
♪ She gotta go, yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause when she gotta go,
she gotta go ♪

♪ She does a B.M. ♪