Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 15 - Adventures in Chinchilla-sitting - full transcript

It's Date Night and Bob half-asses it again at Stoolz. Tina is babysitting and Louise has temporary custody of Princess Little Piddles, Miss Labonza's 4th grade class pet chinchilla, over the objections of her classmate, Wayne. When the little guy beats feet, Jonas the Delivery Boy scoops and Tammy triangulates. Gene delivers pizza and the two Ts gain entre to their first real teen party. Tracking leads to the skating rink...and the dreaded whip. Who should exercise full domiciliary custody of PLP? Louise tries a courtroom standard, BIOC: Best Interest of Chinchilla.

Friday!
So, any big weekend plans?

♪ Date night tonight ♪

♪ Gonna go out, get some food ♪

♪ Have a few drinks ♪

♪ Forget we have kids
for a little bit ♪

♪ La, yeah. ♪ What's the plan?

I couldn't tell you
if I wanted to.

Only Bobby knows.
He planned the whole thing.

Yup. There will be
dinner, drinks

and entertainment.
Ooh!

The big three! Ha-cha-cha-cha!



And... we're home.

Whoa, what's that?
The class pet.

I'm taking care
of it this weekend.

You're fine with it.
I'm... not.

The permission slip I signed for
you says you're fine with it.

You're into it.

Ugh, what's wrong with it?

Weird fur, seizures, runny nose,

runny eyes, runny everything.

Everybody's got their something.

There wasn't anyone else
who wanted to take it?

Just Wayne.
Who's Wayne?

Kid in my class.
We had a tiny disagreement

about who should take the
chinchilla home this weekend.



No! No! No! No! No!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Well, congratulations, I guess.

Just, um, keep it
out of our room.

Yeah, yeah, okay, Dad.

Aw, was your little
friend Wayne upset?

Ah, no. He was easy breezy.

Ah! Remember, bedtime is 7:00,

not too much TV, no sugary
snacks, and pet with the grain.

Pet with the grain!

Okay, don't forget.

Your father and I are
going out tonight,

so you're gonna
babysit, Tina, right?

About that. Um...

I was talking
to some other girls,

and did you know some people
get paid to babysit?

Oh, boy, she's onto us.

Okay, let's start
the negotiation.

A thousand dollars
and a parking space.

How about three dollars an hour?

Okay, deal.
Three dollars every hour?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. We get
a cut of this, right, Tina?

Okay.

But you all got to be in bed

by the time we get home,
or nobody sees a dime.

No problem... we can go
to bed in our sleep.

: Ooh, Bobby!

I'm excited to see
where you're taking me.

Lin, you don't have
to cover your eyes.

I never asked you to do that.

I just want a big surprise.

And surprises are better
when you're blind.

Well, take a look.

We're here! Huh?

"Stoolz." It gets better.

Bing-a-ding, bing-a-ding-
ding-ding-ding, brainiacs!

This is your trivia master Dave
letting you know

that we are less than one minute
away from trivia night!

Trivia night?

Ugh. When does it
get better, Bob?

Well, that was supposed to be
the part where it got better.

Y-You love trivia.
I do?

We played bar trivia
that one time years ago.

Remember?
Yeah?

We had fun.
We did?

I thought we did.

We had a funny team name.

We were Albert Beerstein.

That's funny?
Yes, it's funny!

It works on many levels, Lin!

But, look, we can go
somewhere else if you want to.

No, let's just get
through date night.

Right.
Okay.

Mm-hmm, great.
Fine.

Yup, get a drink.
Yeah.

Okay, trivia-meisters.

Round one, question one.

When I was 14,
I had a crush especial

on Puerto Rican actress
Rosie Perez.

Oh, we got this.

It's gonna be
White Men Can't Jump.

In what year did the United
States annex Puerto Rico?

Oh. Um, it's, um... um...

19... something, something.

You know what? The first
question's always the hardest.

All right, now that we got
the easy one out of the way...

Oh, crap. I mean,
this will be fun.

Yeah, it's fun, it's fun.

It's like homework,
but-but fun homework.

How many rounds are there?

Not-not many, but many.

I just want you guys to know

that even though I'm your paid
babysitter tonight,

I'm still your sister.
But I'm getting paid.

No feet on the couch.
But I'm still your sister.

For now.

Until I get married off.

All right,
so, when you're with me,

you're not called
Princess Little Piddles.

You are Shinobu.

You like it? I know, it's great.

This is Kuchi Kopi.

You're both
little troublemakers.

You're both huge in Japan.

You probably have
a lot to talk about... go!

Keep things light.
Don't bring up your divorce.

Or Nixon. Or Radiohead.

Belcher residence.

Both my parents are home tonight
and they're black belts.

Uh, it's for you, Louise.

Really? Hello?

Hey, Louise.
Wayne here.

Uh, so how's Princess
Little Piddles?

Fine. Great talk. Bye-bye. Wait!

Put Princess on the phone.
What?

Put Princess Little Piddles

on the phone!
Why?

Princess Little Piddles!

Can you hear my voice?!
Are you okay?!

Bye.

I'll get it since I'm in charge.

While I'm gone,
Gene's in charge.

Louise, if Gene can't handle his
duties, it's all you, sister.

I can handle my doodies,
thank you!

I couldn't stop him!

He barreled right past me
like a really fast barrel!

Oh, my God, Wayne, you were
calling from outside my house?

Out of cage! Out of cage!

Okay, you're acting nuts, Wayne.

Oh, you mean nuts
for responsibility?!

Like nut, crazy,
bad, rotten nut!

Responsible handsome
head nuts maybe?!

No, no way! Just nuts!
No, handsome nuts!

I know nuts!
No, like cashews!

Um, excuse me!

I hate to interrupt
a productive dialog,

but where'd the chinchilla go?

Uh,
he's around here somewhere.

Stop screaming

and help me look, Wayne!

Why is the front door open?

Maybe God closed a window?

Chinchilla! Disgusting!

Oh, no, no, no, no!

Hey, mama!

There he is!

Oh.

Hey, little, guy.
It's Jonas.

Oh, good, he's
bringing him back.

Jonas! Hey!

You found our chinchilla!
Thank you!

What? I can't hear you! Bye!

No! No! No! No!
Wait! Wait! Wait!

No!

Oh, my God!
What just happened?!

It ran away and joined the worst
biker gang in the world.

Oh, Princess Little Piddles
has been abducted!

This is all your fault, Louise!

What?!
This is your fault, Wayne!

You barged in to my house
and left the door open!

I was barging!

Bargers are not responsible
for closing the door!

It's not a disaster.

Jonas is the delivery boy
at Reggie's Deli.

We'll just go to Reggie's.

We shouldn't be out!
We should be back home!

I'm not certified
for outdoor child care!

Tina, we're under your care,
but this chinchilla is

under my care, which technically
falls under your jurisdiction.

Right?
I guess that's true.

Or it might not make
any sense at all...

Well, we'll be back home
in 20 minutes.

All right, let's go to Reggie's.

Aw, crap!
Reggie's is closed.

Oh, now what?!

We smash Reggie's window
and make some sandwiches

and go from there.

No, we go to where Reggie lives,

and we ask him
where Jonas lives.

You want to know
where Jonas lives?

Well, take a number.

Just kidding. Deli humor.

Quit pussyfooting around!

The address, Reggie!

Uh, Jonas is at his friend
Clay's house doing homework.

Clay is at Jonas's house
doing homework.

What the...?
Isn't he?

How can they both be
at each other's houses?

Maybe they broke
the space-time continuum.

Must've been some homework.

Unless it's an excuse
teenagers tell their parents

when they don't want them
to know where they're going.

But where would that be?

A secret teen event of secrecy?

You mean a party?

Yes! Tina, thank you!

Is that Teddy?

♪ I... ♪

♪ Wish my radio worked. ♪

Oh, no! If Teddy sees us
out of the house,

he'll tell Mom and Dad.
Everyone hide!

Huh?

Oh, geez. Thought I saw Harvey.

Ah, that was close. Listen.

Why don't we go home,
make a decoy chinchilla

out of pipe cleaners and socks
to buy ourselves some time?

No, Tina, we're
looking for a party.

What do you know
about high school parties?

Nothing, but I might
know someone

who might know something.

What do you maxi-sads want?

Okay, after round one,

in first place are the DILFs.

In second place, Old Kevin.

And in last place,
with no correct answers,

are the Date Nights
of the Round Table.

Hey! First couple
ever here on a date!

I guess the romance doesn't
revolve around knowing things,

because they don't.

Hey, hey!
Easy, Mr. Questions!

Just kidding, just kidding.

: I'm not kidding.

They can't hear me.

They don't know anything.

Oh, my God, we're losing.

And now we're getting heckled.

I guess we can just go home.

All right,
let's get out of here.

Let me just go to the bathroom.

Round two, question one.

Hiking is stupid.
How many miles long is

the Appalachian Trail?
I was hoping there'd be

more questions about
'80s TV shows.

Bob, I did something bad.

In the bathroom?
No!

Look! I stole an answer
sheet from Dave's folder!

We got all the answers!
What?!

Lin, are you crazy?
We can't cheat.

Oh, yeah, we don't want
to cheat against Dave.

He's such a good guy.

Uh...
Write down the answer, Bob.

Write it down!
Okay, okay.

Not like that,
like you just thought of it.

You look at the ceiling,
you say, "Hmm,"

and then you look down.
Hmm.

Yeah, yeah.
That's it, that's it.

I might be able to find out

which high school party
this Jonas kid is at,

but why would I want
to help a bunch of babies

get their cat back?

It's not a cat,
it's a chinchilla!

Anything that's not a dog
is a cat to me.

We'll owe you. You name it.
Anything, anytime.

What if I want Tina to kiss
a dirty flip-flop at 3:00 a.m.

on a Tuesday?
Let's not go crazy...

Of course. Yes. That.
No, no, no.

I'm gonna think of something
good to make Tina do later

when I'm feeling
really bad about myself.

But we've got a deal.

Whoa, that's a lot
of technology.

We get it. You have e-mail.

I'm using social media

to triangulate
Jonas's whereabouts. Look.

Jonas is friends with David
Schnabel, who just tweeted

at Vanessa Jackson
"See you at Casey's party."

And according to Leilani
LeFelt's secret blog

she thinks no one knows about,

Jonas has a huge crush
on Vanessa.

So that means Jonas is
at Casey's party. Voila.

All right, troops,
wheels up, we're flying!

I-I don't think we can go to
a high school party, Louise.

Mom and Dad will kill me.

There'll be
high school boys there.

Right. Maybe we can
just do a quick pop-in.

Oh, wait, you think you're
gonna get into that party?

Oh, you are never gonna get in.
I wouldn't even get in,

and I'm the hottest girl
in eighth grade.

You're in eighth grade? I
thought you were someone's mom.

Trust me, Tammy.

Getting in is gonna be
the easy part.

I've gotten into the teacher's
lounge so many times

I have my own coffee mug there.

It says "I Hate Mondays."
Classic.

Mm... I'm cashing in my favor.

If you can get me into
that party, we're even.

Let's go!
Every minute of our life

is five minutes
of a chinchilla's life!

Aha! Here's our ticket
into this poop show.

How is trash gonna help us?

Oh, Wayne. Watch and learn.

Well, someone did.
What?

Did you say, "We didn't
order any pizza"?

No.
Well, someone did.

And old man pizza boss is gonna

have my ass if
I don't deliver it.

Where's the bathroom?

Uh, down that way.
Thanks.

I'll be out of there
in 30 minutes or less.

Hang on, Atlas.
We're coming, buddy.

Who's Atlas?

It's my secret name
for Princess Little Piddles.

Really? Huh.
I call him Shinobu.

Princess Little Piddles...
it just isn't right.

I know. Fourth graders
shouldn't be in charge of names.

Or sex determination.

He has testicles for God's sake!

I know! I told them,
"Guys, those are testicles!"

No one believed me!

Everyone thought
they were butt boobs!

I can't believe that worked.

Whew! Well done, Gene.

Aw... are you going
to the bathroom?

Um... no?

Oh, my God!

Oh, a high school party
is no place for a small animal!

They're probably playing
Spin the Chinchilla

with him right now!

Uh, let's just focus here.

If you were a teenager
with a chinchilla,

where would you be?

Chinchilla-con.

So this is our first
high school party.

Let's savor this moment.

High school boys' butts are
higher up, I'm noticing.

Okay, incoming teen dream,
two o'clock...

if I'm using that term
correctly, which I don't know,

because I actually can't
tell time on those round clocks.

Ring the flirt alarm, here I go.

Yeah, it's just like ding-dong,
ring-a-ding, let this rip.

Hey, what grade are you guys in?

Forget it. Bye.

I can't feel my arms!
I can't move!

Oh, God, he was
taller than my dad!

Oh, God, another one's coming!

On the Internet,
you can be whoever you want,

and no one will ever know.

Where does the word
"modem" come from?

: Should we get this one
wrong? Just to not look suspicious?

No. We know this one. We don't
know it... we're cheating.

Well, now we know it, and we're
not getting it wrong. Okay.

You know the answer, DILFs?

Old Kevin? Because we do.

Lin.
What?

What is that?
It's a modem.

I'm making modem noises at them.

It-it's more like this.

Okay, good modem noises,
Date Nights of the Round Table.

Now back to the questions.

Okay, okay!

Tina.
What?

I have to fart.

It's a fear fart. I...
I can't hold it.

Tammy, no! You can't fart
at a high school party.

I know that!
Don't you think I know that?!

Okay, I'm gonna fix this, honey.

Can you hold it real tight
until I get you to a window?

I'm gonna pick you up now.

Gentle.

Don't squeeze.

Excuse us. Coming through.

Just a couple of
normal teenagers partying.

Hi. How are you?
How are you doing? Go, go.

Tina, you literally
just saved my life.

I am not gonna forget
this until the day I die.

That's so...
Oh, my God, this girl farted!

Right here, over here!
What?

I'm kidding,
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Nobody's listening to us.

Jonas... bingo.

Whoa. Knock-knock.

Who's there?
Uh, you guys.

You guys who?

That's right, you're not
supposed to be here.

Give us the chinchilla,
Jonas. It's ours.

It's the fourth-grade class pet,
for crying out loud.

What? Oh, well, sorry,
I didn't know that.

I thought he was a gremlin,
and I was like,

"What? Gremlins are real?"

Anyway, I gave him to Vanessa.
What?! What?!

Where's Vanessa?

She took it, went off
with some of her friends,

and they were like, "Girls
only, except these three guys."

Where did they go?

I don't know. They were talking
about going roller-skating.

Wherever you do that.

The roller rink, maybe?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I'm gonna slap you.

What?

Ow, my moneymaker!

Here, let me see
that for a second.

Ow!

Oh, you found Jonas.

Hi, Jonas.

Hey...

you, girl.

Whew, I was afraid
you wouldn't remember me.

Does this mean we got
the chinchilla back?

Because Mom and Dad
could be home any minute.

No. Jonas gave him away,
and now he's at a roller rink.

Jonas, what does
Vanessa look like?

I don't know. She
has hair and pants.

Great description...
you should work for the FBI.

Listen, you're coming with us
to point out who she is.

Why would I do that?

You guys belong together.

You have the thing,
she has her thing.

Yeah, it's the opposite
of "opposites attract."

This is Jonas time.

This is what
you've been training for.

You got to go with us.

Oh, my God. Let's go!

I'm coming, Shinobu.

I'm coming, Atlas.

I'm coming, roller rink
snack bar hot dogs!

All right, there's the rink.
Let's go get our chinchilla.

Oh, God, you don't think

they have strobe lights
in there, do you?

Probably. Why?

Strobe lights give him seizures.

Oh, right, the strobe
light incident.

Why did Alfonz bring a strobe
light to show and tell?

Ugh, 'cause his
grandfather invented it.

Oh, my God, is that Teddy again?

Ugh, pad thai is not
good driving food.

Uh, everyone freeze!

Huh? Why are we freezing?

If we don't move,
he can't see us.

Is that true?
Maybe.

Hold your breath!

Oh, shoot, I just remembered

I'm allergic to peanuts.

I'll be all right.
I'll be all right.

Oh, my God, it worked.

Tina's a wizard.

Do something else.
Make a jean jacket appear on me.

Jean jacket!

It's time for the final round.

And incredibly, the seemingly
dimwitted Date Nighters have

rocketed into first place.

Yeah, Date Nighters!

We're smart, and cute!

Cuter than the DILFs!

Yeah.

All right, okay, settle down.
Question one:

I've never been a carpenter
or on a boat,

but Kurt Russell did both
in what 1987 movie?

: Lin,
where's the answer sheet?

Uh... Oh, no, it fell.

Oh, God, get it,
Lin. You're closer.

Shh, I got it, I got it.

Oops, I dropped some hummus.

Hello, just getting
that hummus there.

Okay.
We love hummus.

Hey, what's that?

What? That's an answer sheet.

Nah.
Uh, yeah, definitely.

No. No, no. You were cheating,
you're cheating.

Cheaters!
No one's cheating.

No.
Total cheaters!

Full-on cheaters!

Okay, you know what?

We were cheating.

I took my wife here on date.

We have about three
of these a year.

In a good year.

And I brought her to bar trivia.

I screwed up.

And you didn't help, Dave.
You made us feel stupid,

just because we didn't know the
answers to any of the questions.

I know that was fun for Kevin.

I know, I know.

But my wife found a way to make

this date night fun,
and, damn it,

I'm not sorry about that.

So sweet.

You're out of here! Deborah!

No, it...

Hands off, Deborah.

Hey! Ow!

Wow, I'm sorry, Lin.

That was, uh...

...- worth it.
- Hot one.

Next date night,
let's cheat at karaoke.

All right, Jonas,

where's Vanessa?

Where's my chinchilla?

Our chinchilla.

Okay, Vanessa, love of my life.

Let's see.
There she is!

Let's go, let's go!

Time to roll my way
into Vanessa's heart.

Vanessa, where's the chinchilla?

What?
Princess Little Piddles!

What's "Piddles"?

He's our class pet.

Oh, I'm sorry, little kids,
but that security guard

offered me 40 bucks for it.

Oh, my God!
How could you?

It was easy.

He was like, "Here's $40."

And I was like, "Here you go."

Come on!

Oh, Vanessa,
that kid Jonas likes you,

and you should give
him a chance.

Or not. Your call.
What? I can't hear you.

The music's too loud.
I got to skate.

Hey, Vanessa!

Wait for me!

Hey, sir?
Yeah.

Can you push me towards
that girl over there?

All right.

He touched my butt.

Excuse me, hi.

That thing you paid
$40 for, it's ours.

You guys smoke weed?

No, the chinchilla
you paid $40 for.

What? No, no, no.

That's gonna be a present
for my landlord.

I'm a little short
on rent this month.

Why didn't you give him the $40?

Hey, you're a smart kid.

Where were you five minutes ago?
Over there.

Sorry, buddy, but the chinchilla
already belongs

to Miss Labonz's
fourth-grade class.

I guess I have to do
the right thing.

You have 40 bucks?

We can write you a check.
Do you have a check?

I do.

Uh-oh.
What?

Okay, if you were a chinchilla,

and you were a rascally
little son of a bitch

that wouldn't stay in a box,
where would you be?

No!
Damn it!

Here, Shinobu.
Here, thingy.

Atlas, Atlas.
Here, thingy, thingy.

Javier.
Shinobu.

Where are you?
Oh, wait, is that him?

Or is that a loose furry skate?

Ah! He's gonna get
killed out there!

Look out, coming through!

Move it, people, move it!

Huh?

You know what that means.

Time for The Whip!

Hang on, Shinobu!

I'll protect you, Atlas!

You okay?

I'm okay.

Let's get out of here, quick.
Go, go, go!

Uh-oh, we have
a vomit situation.

Look out, skaters, the floor
gets slippery when wet.

Vanessa!

No!

Oh, gross!

Oh, God.

I like her less now.

Please let Mom and Dad
not be home.

Please let Mom
and Dad not be home.

Please let Mom and Dad
not be home.

Mom? Dad?

Oh, thank God, they're not home.

Well, Wayne, we did it.

Yeah, we did.

You were great out there
on the rink.

You came through, big-time.
You, too.

So I'll hold Atlas while
you go collect his things.

Oh, my God, after all we just
went through to get him back,

you're still acting like this?

You still want to take him home?

Don't forget his water bottle.

And, hurry, 'cause if he's
gonna get a story tonight,

I have to get him home soon.

You know what, why don't
we just let him choose

who he wants to stay with?

I've cared for him
every weekend for a year,

so I think I know
who he's gonna pick.

Perfect.

You stand there,
I'll stand here,

Put him down
in the middle, Tina.

Okay. Come to Wayne, Atlas.
Come here.

Shinobu.
Come on, come to Wayne.

Come here, baby.

Come on, Atlas. Atlas.

Come here, come, come, come.

Ah, yes!

Take that, Wayne.

He loves me, not you.

He's sick of your boring rules!

Okay, he's made his choice.

Well, I guess I'll get going.

Uh... have a good weekend.

Uh, don't you want to say
good-bye to Shinobu?

Oh, no, I'll...
I'll see you Monday.

That didn't feel as great
as I thought it would.

I mean, it still feels great,

but just not as great.

My theory is
that Wayne is really sad

because you made him think
the chinchilla doesn't love him.

Why don't we all go get
in bed really fast,

and think about whether
Gene is right. Go, go, go!

Hi. Why did some kid
just run out of here crying?

There's always kids
running out of here crying.

What are you still doing up?
Oh, hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

We weren't out or anything.

We were home all night.
Okay.

You saying that makes
me think you maybe...

Hey, you know what,
this one's on me.

You don't even have to pay me.

High school party? What?

W-Wait, hold on a second.

What's wrong with Louise?

Louise, honey, you okay?

I think I need a ride somewhere.

Mm... no.

What are you doing here?

Hey, so after you left,

Shinobu seemed real
down and kind of off.

He wasn't sneezing or anything,

like, not a single seizure.

Really? Oh.

Anyway, I guess maybe
he missed you.

He did?
I just don't think

he's gonna be happy
at our place.

Plus, my dad's simple and
doesn't know his own strength.

Oh, I can see that.
I mean, your dad

looks like he'd sit on anything.

Oh, he has.

I'm right here.

So you better just take him.

I don't think he even likes me.

: Stop it, play along.

Tell me how it goes
on Monday, will you?

Okay, thanks, bye.

Bye.

That was nice, Louise.
That was really, really sweet.

Ugh, I know. You know, me and your
mom cheated at trivia tonight.

Really?
Yup. Impressed?

What's wrong with you?
You took her to trivia?

Sounds like you cheated Mom
out of a date. There's my girl.

♪ Date night tonight ♪

♪ Gonna go out, get some food ♪

♪ Have a few drinks, forget
we have kids for a little bit ♪

♪ La, yeah ♪

♪ Date night tonight, yeah ♪

♪ Gonna go out, get some food ♪

♪ Have a few drinks, forget
we have kids for a little bit ♪

♪ Gonna go out, get some food ♪

♪ Have a few drinks, forget
we have kids for a little bit ♪

♪ La, yeah ♪

♪ It's just what we do ♪

♪ Date night, date night,
date night ♪

♪ Gonna go out... ♪