Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 4, Episode 5 - Turkey in a Can - full transcript

Dad, why are you massaging

the turkey now?

Maybe it's tense.
I'll make it some tea.

I'm doing
a three-day salt rub.

I call it Father
of the Brine. Huh?

Ha!
Thank you.

It's special since
we're having Teddy, Mort...

...and
your Aunt Gayle over.

I don't see why Gayle
and her cats have

to stay with us all week.

She had to vacate her place
because of the fire, Bob.



She put her dental dams
in the dryer.

What are dental dams?

Nothing.
Forget it.

Don't say it at school.

Didn't she used
to only have one cat?

Ah, she adopted one
last week.

And then she found one
on her way over here.

She's a cat magnet.
Oh, it was so sad.

He was just sitting...

on someone's porch,
poor little guy.

Just sittin' there.

Just sitting there in the sun.
Aah.

Ugh.

Ugh, cat hair.



Take one of the allergy
pills I got you!

Well, Dad, I hope
you're not allergic

to melody and rhythm
and sexy lyrics,

'cause our guests are gonna
love my Thanksgiving song!

Ugh.

Every year,
I try and tell you guys

that no one really sings
Thanksgiving songs.

You bite your tongue!
Think about it.

Why aren't there any
Thanksgiving carols?

I'm gonna write a classic
and make a million dollars!

And then I'm
gonna buy a car!

I believe in you, Gene.

I'll be in your...
♪ Song...!

Great, but you don't
get any of the profits,

and I'm going to
be very critical.

Ha! I love it!

Welp, good luck with your song.

And don't be offended
if everyone's talking

about how great my turkey is
while you're trying to sing.

Sounds like someone's
afraid of being upstaged.

You are.

You are.

Oh, God.
Get out of here!

Bob, stop hitting my cats!
And God bless you.

I'm not hitting them!
I'm petting their rear legs.

Mom?
Whoa!

I need your opinion
on something.

Ooh, I love it!

Braveheart meets Coco Chanel!

I need to decide
which color I'm wearing

when I sit at the adults' table
on Thursday.

No, no lipstick,
Tina.

You're-you're
too young.

And you're sitting
at the kids table

like you always do
when we have guests.

Yup, we sit on the floor
at the coffee table

and put our vegetables
under the couch.

You should look
under there.

It's fascinating now!

But I bought pantyhose!

And I've been working
on Tina's talking points.

How's this one?

"In this economy?"

Oh, provocative!
That's it. I...

You know, I'm in charge
of Thanksgiving.

Gene, Linda,
no song.

What?!

Tina,

no adults table.
Aw!

Louise, whatever you're planning,
do not do it.

I need some peace
and quiet.

I want to focus
on the turkey.

Everyone, just
go to bed.

Bob, it's 6:30.

I don't care!
Just go to bed!

You love that turkey more
than you love us!

That's right! I do!

I love turkeys!

Okay.

Now go!

What the...?

Oh, my God! No!

Lin! Lin! What? What happened?
What happened? Wha...?

The turkey...
it's in the toilet!

What are you talkin' about?
You had a bad dream.

Go back to sleep.
This is not a dream. This is happening.

Tina!

There was something in the
toilet, and I sat on it.

It was cold, and now I don't
know if I'll ever be able

to go to the
bathroom again.

Oh, my God,
the turkey's in the toilet!

Get off of there!

What the cuss word?!

Who pooped that, and may
I apprentice with you?

What is this,
a pee-pee party?

You people are fun,
all going at once!

- Oh, God. Oh. Aah! Aah!
- Ugh!

Ugh!
Get it out of their litter box!

Quick, Bob!
They're vegetarians!

Oh, my God, I'm gonna
barf. I'm gonna b...

Oh, my God,
what is happening?!

Okay, so really?
No one is going to confess?

Louise?

It wasn't me!

Louise?

It wasn't!

Fine. So, no one,
including Louise,

wants to admit
that they did this?

I'm giving you guys one more
chance to confess,

and then I'm grounding everyone,
including your mom and Gayle.

Bobby!
No, it's fine with me.

I don't have any plans.

Bobby, it wasn't us.
It was Louise. Come on.

Or, uh, maybe Gene.

How dare you?!

I put food in the toilet
the way God intended.

It had to be Louise.

Unbelievable.
Does everyone think I did it?

Well, then, I
must be guilty.

That's how it
works, right?

Yup. Perfect
system.

Well, I have to go
get another turkey.

Which means I can only do

a two-day brine,

which is not as good
as a three day-brine!

But I'm not forgetting this.

I will figure out who did it.

Even though I'm pretty sure

we all still think
it was Louise.

Make sure you save
room at Thanksgiving

for the words
you'll be eating!

Wait. Are you gonna
throw that one out?

Yes, Gene, it was soaking
in toilet water.

And rolled
in cat feces.

Oh, God, I'm gonna barf again.
No, no, no.

Lin, please!
Oh, my God, I'm gonna barf!

Ugh!

Wait a second.

You just got a
turkey yesterday.

Yup.
Turkey number two, huh?

Messed up the first one?
No, it's a long story.

Not so easy to just step
into the kitchen, is it?

No, actually,
I'm a professional cook.

Yeah. You and
me both, right?

Okay, don't mess
this one up.

I-I didn't...
Next!

I-I didn't mess it up!

Turkey in the toilet?
That's crazy.

It's not that crazy. I've seen
crazier things in a toilet.

You wouldn't believe
what I've seen.

I've seen a rat wearing a little hat.
What?

Twice. Same rat,
different hat.

I got a picture.
Hold on.

Wait. Is this the toilet turkey?
No, I got a new one.

What did you do
with the old one?

What do you mean, what did
I do? I threw it out.

You threw out
a perfectly good turkey?

It wasn't perfectly good, Teddy.
It was in the toilet.

Ugh.
Why does everyone want to eat food

from the toilet
all of a sudden?

Guys, I found
the picture!

Rat in a hat.
Oh, my God. Hmm.

Three days I waited
on a stakeout

for that rat to come back,
and he looks at me...

and he looks at me like,
"What are you lookin' at?"

Come on, Mom,

Gayle, focus!

We've only got two days left

to make a Thanksgiving song

that will be passed down
for generations.

And a one,
and a two.

I don't know
about these lyrics.

What?! Gayle,
you are a guest here.

You will sing
what you are given.

No, Gene,
Gayle's right.

This song's kind of meh.
It needs a little gravy.

That's it!
No one's done a song about gravy.

Think about it.

Hmm. Gravy. Rhymes with wavy,
oopsie daisy, Patrick Swayze.

All right, I'm in!

Anyone mind
if I turn on the news?

Aah! I'm okay.

You fell like a real lady.

Thank you,
young man.

Hello, hi.

Hi.
Hi, Gayle. You look great.

Louise,
look at you.

Did you do your hair?
No.

Love it.
Gene. Hi.

What a nice shirt
you're wearing.

Thank you.
Excellent.

I just want to say
that I've calmed down

from this morning, and
in the spirit of the holidays,

whoever did this,
I am granting you a full pardon.

Oh, I really thought
that would work.

Seriously, who put the
turkey in the toilet?!

Oh, Dad. If I may.

I've taken the liberty of
drawing up a little chart here.

Let's review our suspects.

Tina. She'd stop at nothing
for some grownup stuffing.

Did her table envy drive her
over the edge?

No.

Gene.

He thinks

there's only room
for one bird at this table.

A song bird.

Do-re-me?!

Or was it Gayle?

Dad went after her cats,
she went after his turkey.

Classic revenge tale.

Classic.

Or maybe, maybe Linda.

Oh, sweet Linda.

A long-suffering wife stuck
in a bad marriage.

Aw, poor thing!
Lin!

What? I got caught up in
the story. She's good.

And that leaves Louise,

who had no motive at all.
Thank you. The end.

Thank you.

What an imagination
on this one, huh? Kids. Mmm.

So, do you know
who did it?

Oh. No. Uh-uh.

Then what's the point
of all this?

Hold on. I just had an idea.

Was it you, Gayle?!
Huh? Confess!

Damn it, Gayle!

Or you?! Confess!
You're guilty as hell!

Louise?
What? Stop.

Why?
This isn't working.

I guess I'll just never trust
any of you again,

forever, for as long as I live.

Another great family meeting!
Good night, everyone!

Good night!
Good night, Bob!

Night, night!
Good night, Dad!

Do you want my charts to take
into your room for review?

No. Just go to bed then.

No!

Okay, fun's over!

I want a name!

Gene!
Oh, come on!

You know I don't go
into the bathroom at night

because of
the shower ghost.

Ah, that's him!

It's got to be Tina!

Tina wouldn't do something
this immature.

I accept your invitation to sit
at the adults' table.

No, Tina.

Maybe it was me!
Was it?

No. I just started
to feel left out.

I don't know, Gayle.
You are really... weird.

That's true.

Come on,
it wasn't Gayle.

Is that a confession, Mom?

What? That's crazy.

Well, you aren't always the most
trustworthy person, Linda.

What!? Me!?
Yes, you.

That time you
changed the channel

when I was out
of the room.

What are you talking about?

Oh, don't play innocent!

It was Quantum Leap, and
I'll never know where he leapt!

You know where he leapt.

Flush!
Gene, stop!

We need to get rid
of the body!

What if someone sees?
Stop.

Oh.

Hi, uh, I need
two turkeys, please.

Oh. You again.
Uh... yeah.

Look, I think I know what's
going on here and, uh...

I'm flattered, but
I'm in a relationship.

What? Oh, no, no.
I'm not trying to... Hey, hey.

Listen, Daddy, don't you
let one rejection keep you

from getting out
there. You seem great.

Okay, thanks.

There's a whole group
of guys out there

who don't care about
what guys look like.

Uh... could I just
get my turkey, please?

You know, I got a friend...
he's into Sloppy Bears.

Wha-What's a Sloppy Bear?

You know, you got the muffin
top, you got food on your shirt.

God, I... I do. Let me set you up.
I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna write down their
number on the receipt.

You take it, and
you do what you want.

No, no, no, I think
you have the wrong idea.

I'm not interested
in a gay... yeah.

Uh-huh, I know, you're
not interested.

In a relationship.
That's cool. Here's the number.

I'll talk to you later.
Get out of here!

Bob! Who is it?

It's me. Open up.

Uh-uh.
Come on!

No! Come on! No.

I need to get
into the bedroom.

My armpits need
a second coat of deodorant.

I need to re-odorize.
I stink!

Ugh. I don't know.

Bobby, you're being crazy.

Uh... fine,
but close your eyes.

Bobby, what are you doing?

Hey, I said, eyes closed.

You know my eyes
don't completely close.

I'm sorry,
but I can't trust anyone.

Oh, Bob, what's with
the two turkeys?

Nothing!
Hey! You calm down!

Now, come on, stop it.

Okay, I'll tell you,
but you can't tell anyone.

Oh, I won't!
Who would I tell?

Come on, it's me!

Okay, one's a decoy turkey
for the upstairs fridge.

The real turkey will be
downstairs in the walk-in.

Ha, ha!
Bobby...

It's a good plan, right?

Yeah. Yeah, I thought of it.

You, my smart guy.
Sometimes.

Devious little turkey
roaster in the bedroom.

Well, well, maybe a little bit.

You want to mess around?

What? I don't know, all these
turkeys... it makes me horny.

Well, not, not right now,
Lin, no.

You sure?

Okay, maybe a little.

That's my boy.

Ooh, ooh, I really
do need deodorant.

Yeah, you really do.
Whew, I stink.

Wow.
Put your face in it.

No, I don't want... Come on, put
your face in it, put your face in it.

I don't... no, I don't want to
go there. Put your face in it.

It's coming at you.
All right, get out.

Oh, no, Dad.

No, no, no, no, no,
I fell asleep.

Sorry for your loss.

No, Tina, I'm sorry

for whoever thought
they could ruin Thanksgiving.

Follow me to the walk-in.

What?!
No!

A turkey in every toilet.

Only in America,
huh, guys?

It was you, Lin, it's
been you all along.

Say it.
No, Bobby, no, it wasn't me.

You were the only one who knew
about the second turkey.

It had to be you.

I knew
about the second turkey.

What?
Lin!

You know I tell
Gayle everything, Bobby.

She's my sister.

It's true,
I know everything,

like that time you peed in the
theater during Jerry Maguire.

I didn't want to
miss any of it!

Mom told me, too.

About peeing during
Jerry Maguire or the turkey?

Both.
Mom and I shop together.

We don't have any secrets.

So all three of you knew?

Louise and I knew, too.
Mom's like a vault

that's constantly open
and constantly talking.

Hey, I told you guys not
to tell anyone I told you.

Okay, Thanksgiving
is officially canceled.

For everyone
or just for our family?

Bob...
No, Lin, I've had it.

Thanksgiving's ruined.

There's no time to do the Father
of the Brine on a new turkey,

plus I'm way
over the Thanksgiving budget.

This is the worst
Thanksgiving ever.

Okay, calm down.

No, I will not calm down!

Hey, let's all forget
about Thanksgiving

and move on
to Christmas.

I'll go get
the decorations.

No, you know what?
I take it back.

I'm not canceling
Thanksgiving. Yay.

Whoever's doing this,
I'm not going to let you win!

Thanksgiving is back on!

There will be a turkey,
a stupid saltless turkey.

You can put
a turkey in a toilet,

but you can't put me
in a toilet!

It kind of sounds
like you want us

to try to put you in a toilet.

No, Louise, I don't want
to be put in a toilet.

Okay, but it sounded like that.

It did sound
like that, Bob.

Let's try... one, two, three.

Hey, you again, huh?

Oh, hey, you again

and me, yep.

I-I just, uh,
I came for a, uh...

I suppose you want
another "turkey."

Yes, that's exactly
what I want... a turkey.

I didn't come for anything el...

Okay, fine, you
wore me down.

Damn it.
Uh...

Things are not going
great with Tony.

Haven't been great with Tony
for a long time, you know?

Tony's hot, but maybe it's
time for me to just settle.

Look... uh, no, no, no.

Look at me, I'm nothing.

You, you love Tony,
stay with Tony.

I'm so sick of Tony
and his dancing.

Oh, no, I d... I don't know Tony,
but I-I assume it's great.

It's not great with Tony. You
should definitely stay with Tony.

No, no, no.
Yo, I'm taking my break!

Oh, my God, we're doing this.

No, we're not.
Hey, what do you want to do?

I don't... nothing.
You want to go to the beach, huh?

No, maybe...
wait, I'm straight.

I mean,
I'm mostly straight.

Let's grab a coffee.
You should call Tony.

No, let's just have sex!

Ah, God, this
feels so great!

I should just... sorry,
I got to go cook this.

Also I'm married,
but if I wasn't...

Who am I kidding?
You're out of my league.

It would never work.

What are you talking about?
I really got to go.

I'm gonna see you tomorrow.
Probably not.

I'll call you.

It's almost too obvious.

The table looks
beautiful, Linda.

Whoa, candles shaped
like little pilgrims.

Those can't be cheap.

Yes, Linda, what
a lovely spread.

Oh, interesting, Teddy,
looks like you're over here.

Okay, where am I?
Tina,

Teddy isn't sitting at the
kids' table, honey, no.

It's okay, Lin,
it'll be like I'm eating

at a Japanese restaurant.

I'll take my shoes off.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
No, no, no!

Ha, I did it, I did it!

What, Bob, what did you do?

I cooked a turkey!

Oh, wow.

This guy's always
fishing for compliments.

Turkey's done.

Okay, everyone sit...
Tina, not you.

You thought you could stop me,
but you can't.

Oh, hello,
everybody.

One of you must be
very unhappy to see this.

Bob, you look terrible.

Yeah, because I was
up all night trying to stop

a turkey murderer.

Okay, before I serve
the turkey...

Wait, Tina, what are you doing?

I'm standing
at the adults' table?

Tina, go sit down
at the kids' table.

Fine, I'll go check in
on the little ones.

I'm great with them.

So, as I was saying,

to the terrorist who tried
to stop me from serving this,

I want it on the record that
turkey was served on this day!

But, but, before we do that,
I need to serve some justice

because I know who put
the turkey in the toilet.

♪ Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun!

Oh, my God, she's got it,
she's got it. Peas and carrots...

At first I wondered, who
could be mad enough at Dad

to do such a thing?

I mean, sure, no one likes him.

Louise.
And he smells.

But then I realized that I was
looking at the wrong motive.

The person who put
the turkeys in the toilet

was actually angry at me!

Oh, my God.
What are we doing?

You see, this person knew
that I would be blamed

and potentially punished
for this heinous crime.

So, was it Mom?

Don't think so.

Correct, it was not.

Was it Gayle?

I don't know.

No, it wasn't.
Oh.

Which brings us
to Gene

and Tina.
At first

I actually believed
that Gene was too scared

of the shower ghost to go
into the bathroom at night,

and I believed Dad's theory

that Tina was too mature
to do something like this.

If she was acting alone.

But what if...

...they were
working together?!

I knew it.
I can see it.

That one's got
crazy eyes.

Gene taking the turkey
out of the refrigerator

each night and passing it
to Tina, who dropped it in.

Yes! They worked
together to frame me

because I have been slowly
stealing their allowances

over the last
five years.

Wait, you have?
You have?

Yes... wait, you guys
didn't know that?

No. No.
Oh, never mind 'cause I haven't been.

Oh, good.

Okay, uh, and now, before
we eat... wait, no one eat...

we... Teddy, drop it!

We would like to present
our Thanksgiving song.

No, Lin, it's time
to cut the tur...

Yay, all right.

Get over here, Gene,
hit it, come on.

A one, two, three, four.

♪ A ding, a ding

♪ A-what's that sound?

♪ It's the gravy boat

♪ A-comin' around

♪ It's not a navy boat

♪ It's the
gravy boat ♪

♪ Filled with bravery

♪ Savory sailor folk

♪ Sailors in your mouth

♪ Sailors in your mouth.

Bobby?

Hey, Bobby.

Bobby?

Huh?
Bob, come back.

What are you...?
Dad?

He's taking
the turkey.

Huh, is this part
of the show?

Are we supposed to grab something?
No, no, no.

I'm getting the potatoes.
Wait for me, Bobby. No, n-n-n-no.

Wait for me, Bobby.
Aah!

What the...?

Dad's a sleepwalker?

Not normally.
Should we wake him?

Never wake a sleepwalker;
They could get violent.

And whatever you do,
don't give him an ax.

What, an ax? Why would
we give him an ax?

Don't!
Let's give him an ax!

Okay, Tina, do you have
to go pee-pee or poo-poo?

Oh, my God, he thinks
the turkey's Tina.

Why does Dad think I'm a turkey?

Your cocky strut.

I don't know, unless...

He must be remembering
toilet-training you.

Potty.
Yeah, there it is...

Tina's poo-poo potty.

All right, who's
a big girl?

He potty-trained
all you kids.

I couldn't stomach it.

The stinky babies.

Just the
thought of it.

My dad toilet-trained me.

It was the worst seven years
of my life... seven to 14.

I like to think I
trained the toilet.

It didn't teach
me anything.

Oh, stinky.

Oh, it's kind
of sweet.

Oh, my God, there
goes the stuffing.

Oh, God, oh, God.

Wow, Tina, you really had to go.

Aah, we're losing stuffing!

Oh, it's nice.

You have to stop him
before he drops the turkey in.

Okay. Aah!
No, don't wake him.

Aah!
Ow, what-what's going on?

No! Hold his arms and legs
so he can't attack.

Give me some help here!
Ah, Dad, if you're still asleep,

can I borrow a hundred bucks?
Can I get a neck tattoo?

Let go of me!
It's for your own good!

Aah!

What's happening?

Who's fighting me?

It's your friend!

No, no, no, no, no,

bad kitties.

It's the end of the world!

Go on,
get, get, go!

It's for your
own good, Bobby!

Aah, let go!

Finally something
to be thankful for!

It was the allergy pills.

Says right here.

"Side effects include
sleepwalking, sleep talking,

"night terrors,
and dry mouth.

"Contact your doctor
if you lose vision

or if your heart stops beating."

Huh.
That doesn't explain

why Dad kept dreaming
about toilet-training me.

Yeah, the same dream
over and over.

It's got to mean something,

like the time I dreamt
about a dolphin

and I woke up
and my bed was on fire.

What did that
dream mean?

Just that I didn't have
balance in my life...

I was spending
too much time at work.

Also, I shouldn't leave
matches right by my bed.

I had just gone
to the aquarium;

It probably had something
to do with that.

Oh, my God, Bobby,
don't you see?

You were worried
about Tina growing up

'cause she wanted to sit
at the adults' table.

You see how it works?

Ooh, Dad loves Tina.

I knew it.

It's okay, Dad, even if I sit
at the adults' table,

I'll still be your little girl.
Just because I've got the hang

of pooping and peeing
in the potty

doesn't mean I don't need your
help with other things,

like homework or faxing.

I don't know
how to fax.

Mom, can you help me fax
something right now?

It's okay, Tina, I know
you've got to grow up sometime.

Just maybe no lipstick yet.

Okay.
And no panty hose.

I don't think anyone still wears
those, right?

Not in this economy.

Tina. Aw, I love my little family.

Come here, family
hug, come here, aw.

You, too, Gayle.
That's nice.

Come on, come on,
yeah, here we go.

Hey, Teddy, Mort, come
on, what are you doing?

Come over here. I can see from here.
What the hell?

Ow, Teddy, why are
you hugging so hard?

Because I'm full
of love, Bob.

Hug.

Okay, Gene, time to go poo-poo.

♪ A ding, a ding

♪ A-what's that sound?

♪ It's the gravy boat

♪ A-comin' around

♪ It's not a navy boat

♪ It's the gravy boat

♪ Filled with bravery

♪ Savory sailor folk

♪ Stuffing sailors
disembark ♪

♪ Fill our plates
and fill our hearts ♪

♪ Sailors in your mouth,
sailors in your mouth ♪

♪ That's what Thanksgiving
is all about. ♪