Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 4, Episode 4 - My Big Fat Greek Bob - full transcript

All right!
My Bobby's going off to college.

I'm not going off
to college, Lin.

You don't have the grades!
I'm-I'm just going

to the college
to fill in for Pepe,

cooking at the fraternity
house for a week.

Aw, you're gonna have
so much fun.

Yeah, I don't really see what's
fun about being ordered around

by a bunch of frat boys.

I can explain it.

That's okay, Tina.

All I know is
we need the cash.



So I'm doing it.

Well, you're gonna
miss me hosting

one of Gretchen's
LadyGood parties.

What are "lady goods"?

I don't know.
Makeup?

Tampons and
pony saddles?

Breast organizers?

Okay, well, guess I'd better

go feed Chad and Trip
and Chip and Skip

and all the other rich kids.

You say that
like we're not rich.

(bells jingle)
Wait, Dad.

Are we not rich?

(knocking)



Hi.

I'm the cook.
I'm filling in for Pepe?

Uh, looks
like you guys got TP'd.

Yeah, the Alpha House
likes to prank us.

Joke's on them, though.

Free toilet paper for us!
Oh, yeah.

Tough to roll it
back up, though.

I'm the Beta president.

They call me Pud.

Oh, okay, Pud. I'm Bob.

That's Hefty Jeff... he's
the fraternity historian.

Oh, uh, that's a thing?

Ask me anything
about the history of this frat.

Uh, okay.
When was it founded?

Crap. Ask me something else.

I'm Turd.
Put her there.

Hey, Turd.

So Turd, Pud,
um, Hefty Jeff.

This is, uh...

a nice place you got here.
Thank you.

I mean, the sofa is
upside down, but...

That's for hiding.

And forts!
Yeah.

Okay. So, I'm guessing

this isn't
the top fraternity on campus.

Oh, no.

Our motto is
"If you rushed us,

you'd be pledged by now."

Hey, worked on me.

We haze with hugs.

Some good huggers
in this group.

Girls never come here.

GRETCHEN:
How we doing, ladies?

Let's give it up for Linda
for hosting

tonight's LadyGoods party!

(cheering) (chuckles) Stop it.

Now that everyone's hammered,
let's look at the product line.

Do you think it's appropriate
to have the children here?

Why wouldn't it
be appropriate?

Our money's as green
as yours, toots!

Our first LadyGood
is called the Joie de Vibe,

which we all know
is French for "fun."

(imitates vibrating)
(chuckles nervously)

Ha, ho! I don't know
what that thing is,

but the look on Mom's face
is hilarious!

I'll buy it!

Okay, kids. Come on.
Go to your room now.

Yeah, go to your room, guys.
You, too, missy.

What? Come on. Out now. Oh, man!

Grown-up stuff is going on! Ah...

Okay. I love it!
GENE: I want a magic

vibrating club just
like any other boy!

LINDA: Yeah. All right.
LOUISE: Yeah!

(sizzling)

Bob, this burger
is superb.

What'd you put
in there? Spices?

Uh, a few.
You deserve a beer.

Follow me
to the Fellowship Room.

? Fellowship Room!

BOTH:
Fellowship Room!

So... fellowship basically
means drinking.

And drinking
games.

Like Beer Beer Goose.

What's the "Slowhand
Crooner Corner"?

HEFTY JEFF:
Oof,

Slowhand.
Yeah, seriously.

Someone's got to tell him he
graduated a million years ago.

Now, now, Hefty
Jeff, Turd.

Slowhand is a very
generous Beta alum.

He buys us stuff like
that karaoke machine.

Uh, and what's that?

Beta! Beta! Beta!

That's Beta.
Yeah, I got that.

Beta was the house
iguana from '67 to '86.

Only a true brother
may drink from him.

You drink from him?

I ate Indian food
out of him once.

You're not supposed to.
(window slides open)

We're out upstairs.

Oh, hey, Bob.
Did you drive here?

Uh, yeah. Why?

Maybe it's time to
"go to the library."

Tonight?
We're supposed to wait.

Bob can drive. And we're
the perfect level of drunk.

To go to the library? Yeah.
Could you give us a ride to campus?

I can't drive at night
'cause I don't have a car.

Okay.

Moving on, this one is called

Here Comes the Sun.
It's solar-powered

so you leave it on
your porch all day.

Any takers? No?

Okay.

Linda. Linda.
What, what, what?

(quietly): I'm dying here.
This crowd is all

married, boring people who suck.
You got to help me.

What? No. I can't sell anything. I can't s...
You'll be fine, you'll be fine.

Linda swears by this thing,
don't you, Linda?

You know, because of
your problems with your husband?

Yeah! Uh, Bob's got
a condition

that makes him,
uh, sex bad.

My husband's
got that.

It's called being
married for 20 years.

(laughter)

Being married
for 20 years!

She says being married!

(chuckles)
Ah...

I'll take the one with
the hand crank, for camping.

(laughter)
Okay! Who wants more wine?

So, where's the library?
It's just up ahead.

(moans)
I'm really nervous.

The library must be different
than how I'm imagining it.

PUD:
Stop here.

Okay, uh, this isn't
the library. At all.

Hey, would you mind
waiting here?

And keep
the engine running.

What are they doing
with that fish

and that air
conditioner?

Oh. They're putting the fish
in the air conditioner.

That's a good prank. Kind of.

No, it's not.
(others chattering quietly)

HEFTY JEFF:
Yeah, we did it!

(laughing, chattering)
(siren chirping)

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Everybody,
be cool! Oh, God. Oh, God.

(hyperventilating):
Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, God.
Evening, sir.

Evening, uh, Officer.

I'm, uh, teaching a class
on, um...

creative... driving.

Creative driving?
Yeah,

it's a special, um...

(whispers): Elective. elective.

Pass-fail.
It's pass-fail, but that's...

(chuckles)
unnecessary information.

(quietly): You're
an adjunct professor. I got it.

All right. Have a good
class, Professor.

Really?
Go, go, go, go!

Bob, you're a hero.
You made the prank.

You're a sick old man.

Is that a good thing?
Yes!

Gentlemen, I think Bob
deserves a beer.

Uh, you just gave me one,
so I'm good.

I didn't finish.

Bob deserves a beer...
out of Beta.

(chanting):
Beta, Beta, Beta!

Wow, really?
Are-are you sure?

I mean, that's
disgusting, t...

(chanting):
Beta, Beta!

Wow. Which end do I drink from?

Dealer's choice.
Uh, I guess I'll-I'll do mouth.

You don't know what you're
missing from the butt, Bob.

All right, I'll do butt.
(cheering)

Oh, my God. I just drank
from a lizard's butt!

Reload!
No, no, no. I'm good, guys.

I'm good.
Well, maybe one more.

? Every time I scratch my nails
down someone else's back ?

? I hope you feel it

? Do you feel it?!
(whoops)

Betas!
(cheering)

BOB:
Yeah, give me the lizard again!

TURD:
I'll go get it!

A: You're off to
the frat house already?

Yeah, the guys are playing
Beer Beer Goose,

so I'm gonna
make lunch. You know,

now I kind of regret
not going to college.

You regret not going
to college? Come on.

It's not like you ended up
flipping burgers.

Oh, wait...

Why don't you take
the kids with you?

A house full of boys?
I can't go. I have plans.

Just kidding.
Let's go.

Hey! There he is!

Everybody, Bob's here!
(cheering)

(chuckles) Uh, hey, guys.
I brought my kids.

This is great. I can't not
step on cold pizza.

Upside-down couch for hiding?
And forts.

This is the biggest
man-cave ever.

And Tina's going spelunking.

No, Tina. No. PUD: Hey, Bob.

(quietly): Word of warning:
Slowhand's here.

Slowhand?
Oh, oh, the alum?

Yeah, he's in the bathroom.
(toilet flushes)

Shh, guys, I think he's coming.

Comin' back from the bathroom
entrance music!

(imitates hip-hop beat)

Dr. Yap? I thought
I'd never see you again

until my next
dental appointment.

You're Slowhand?

Bob, what are
you doing here?

I'm filling in
for the cook.

Oh, great, great.
Hi, kids.

How are you doing?
Are you flossing, Beana?

(chuckles)
Yap, yap, yap, yap.

(chuckles)

Hey, you signed up
for the Slowhand Memories Tour?

Actually, I should get
into the kitchen.

Leaving now!
Keep up!

and that's where I had
my first French hug.

That's where you
feel a girl's armpits.

We done, Yap? We've hit
every room in the house.

Not every room.
Behind this very door

are Betas' greatest
treasures,

our darkest mysteries

and our washer-dryer.

Pause for laughter.

Only brothers may enter

the Room of Secrets,

(echoes):
Secrets, Secrets, Secrets.

Shh.

You kids want to
see inside, huh?

Sure.
No! What did I tell you?

Brothers only.

Okay, Yap, we get it.
Moving on.

Last stop. That was the last stop.
You said that was the last stop.

DR. YAP: Yap, yap, yap, yap.
One more. There's one more thing.

Yeah, the best way to keep your
secrets hidden is to put 'em

in a room labeled
"Room Of Secrets."

Damn it!

And finally, the Beta House
Wall of Honor.

Hey, wait a second. What's this?

Whoa, Hefty Jeff,
you framed that already?

I'm the house historian.
His dad owns a frame shop.

Are you freaking kidding me?!

Slowhand,
calm down.

No, you calm down, Pud!

You let a non-brother
drink out of Beta?!

And he crooned in my
Crooner Corner? "B" to the "S"!

It's okay. Bob helped us prank
the crap out of the Alphas.

You'll prank with these guys
but you won't prank with us?

We put the dead fish
in their AC.

What?! That was my prank!

Why wasn't I in on my prank?

You should have called me!

I put my number in all
of your cell phones.

Bob had a car, the fish
was starting to smell...

I bought that fish!

That's why when I have a fish

I write my name on it
in permanent marker.

Sorry, Yap.
I didn't know it was your fish.

You're right, Slowhand,
we screwed up.

If you want to take time off
from hanging out here,

we would understand.

No, that won't be necessary.
The important thing is

you guys finally sacked up
and pranked those Alphas.

Yeah, Operation Bob-Fish
was a huge success.

Yap-Fish! It was a Yap-Fish!

(whispering):
History will say it was a Bob-Fish.

I'm so proud of my dad.

GRETCHEN:
That stuff about Bob's problems

in the bedroom

was great. You are
a natural saleswoman.

Thanks! Selling's easy.
You just tell lies

about your husband
and you're all set.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Throw it all out. What?

Different crowd. See
that woman crying over there?

LINDA: Yeah. GRETCHEN:
The one with too much eye shadow.

Oh, it's awful. No, I know.
Anyway, she just got dumped.

You tell me why.

Aw. Her friends
threw her this party.

Right. Think you got
an angle for her?

Maybe. Yes.
I don't know.

Good. Save it.
Okay.

Let's go sell
some sex toys!

(whoops) Ow. Ow.
What? And Linda? Here.

Your own Pleasureologist coat.
(gasps)

Aw! Welcome to
the Pleasureologist family.

(sobs)
Hey. Listen, sweetie.

I just broke up, too.
Huh?

Yeah. I broke up with my
husb... my boyfriend.

Oh, yeah?
Bob. Jerk.

But guess what.
I found somebody better.

The Sneaky Pete! Oh, hi,
it's nice to meet you.

(laughs)
What's your name?

I'm Susan.
Susan, hi.

Hi, Pete.

I like you, Susan.

I got a crush on you.

I never felt
this way before.

I want to go home with you
with your bedside drawer

and live there forever.
(giggles)

Oh, now she's smilin'.
(whoops)

We got another one!
Tell her about the holster.

TINA: Dad,
what do you think the frat boys

keep in their
Room of Secrets?

I don't know, Tina, but whatever
it is, it attracts ants.

Well, don't you worry.
Today we're getting in

or Gene dies trying.

You got it!

Guys, you heard Dr. Yap.

That room is off-limits
to non-brothers.

You're not a brother.
I'm basically a brother.

I'm more of a brother
than you are, Gene.

You've never even
touched the iguana!

I drank from its ass!
Are you okay, Dad?

(sighs) I just... I like those
guys. And-and they like me.

And it's not just
because we're always drunk.

Oh, my God.

TINA: Dr. Yap! What happened here?

The Alphas hit us, man!

They got us, man!

Pretty hard, bro!

This could be payback
for Operation Bob-Fish.

Yap-Fish.

And the worst thing is
they took...

they took...

A long, hard look
at your lifestyle?

No!

They took Beta!

(screams)
Beta!

No!

I want everyone to see
what the Alphas did to me.

What happened,
Slowhand?

I just came by the house
with a new karaoke CD...

Steady Rocking Booty Jams.

Volume Two.

Suddenly,
the Alpha president barged in

with his foot soldiers.

First they held me down
and shaved me,

then they flung me over here,

and shoved me over there,

and beat up my face!

And then they took Beta!

(gasps)

Oh, and they left this.

HEFTY JEFF:
No, no, no, no, no!

Friggin' Alphas!

They have no respect
for anything!

I'm gonna go pee
out the window.

You pee out the window?

That settles it:
I'm going to college!

Poor Beta.

You drank out
of his butt.

What are the
standards here?

In my day, if the Alphas hit us,

we hit 'em back twice as hard!

Brothers, this is war.

And if that means I need to move
back into the house

for the foreseeable future,
so be it.

And it does mean that.

Oh...
okay.

Get my room ready, Turd!
I'm in.

Not... I mean,
not to move in.

But to help.
We won't...

probably won't
need you at all, Bob.

I'll do...
I'll do whatever.

I'm in it for the
long haul, brothers!

Yeah, we need Bob
now more than ever!

Yeah!
Bob's one of us!

All right, it's...

All right, it's fine.

Thanks, Bob. You're in.
Let's get 'em!

Yeah! Let's get 'em! Yeah!

LOUISE:
Yeah, go get 'em!

Take your time,

don't come back for a while!

Betas!

Room of Secrets,
time to spill your guts!

?

? Pranking, pranking, pranking

? Pranking, pranking,
pranking ?

? Pranking, pranking, pranking
? Oh, no ?

? Pranking, pranking,
pranking ?

? Pranking, pranking, pranking

? Pranking, pranking, pranking
? Splat ?

? Pranking, pranking,
pranking ?

? Pranking, pranking, pranking
? No, Beta ?

? Pranking, pranking,
pranking ?

? Prank, prank, prank,
prank, prank, prank ?

? In the hole ?

? Prank, prank
(laughing)

? Prank, prank, prank, prank
? Gotcha. ?

PUD: "Due to reports
of property damage,

"Beta Upsilon Pi fraternityis.

Signed, Dean Dixon."

Stupid Dean Dixon!
I hate that guy!

Is it a guy?

He's the dean.
He's nice.

Well, probation or not,
this isn't over

until we show the Alphas
they can't get away

with disrespecting
our lizard.

What about
Dean Dixon's letter?

Shouldn't we
lay low?

Turd's got a point.
Thank you.

I'm one semester away
from graduating.

Oh, Pud, there are
no jobs out there.

You know that, right?
Listen to Bob.

Even though he's technically
not even a brother.

Well, if Bob's
on board...

You know I'm
on board, T-bird.

Yeah,
B-bow.

The B-T express!
(chuckles)

Choo choo!

We're coming to awesome town!
Okay, yeah...

Just two passengers today,
Turd and Bob! Brother...

(imitates train whistle)

Brothers, and not-really
brothers, I give you...

Operation Spit Take.

Wow.
Wow.

If I can't get the secrets out,
I'm gonna put my secrets in.

(quietly):
I have a cat under my bed.

I've had it for eight months.

(quietly):
I know about Gene's secret cat.

(groans) I can't believe
we'll never know what secrets

are in the Room
of Secrets!

Or what laundry is
in the Room of Secrets.

Wait a minute. If the building's
old and crappy,

there might be a laundry chute.

Oh, that's weird. I was correct.

Ladies.
(whoops)

(whoops)

Whoo-whoo-hoo!

(grunts)
Let's check out some secrets.

I'm good.
Tina!

Yeah?
Those aren't yours.

Oh, how-how'd
these get on?

DR. YAP:
Tonight, none other

than Dean Dixon is hosting

a banquet recognizing
campus community service.

And their guest of honor?
Guess who.

It's the president of
those iguana-thieving Alphas!

Getting a special award

for their so-called
"dedication to raising

thousands of dollars
for cancer research."

OTHERS:
Boo!

But what this douchebot
doesn't know

is that an award
for fighting cancer

isn't all he's going
to get tonight!

Yeah, not if the Betas
have anything to do with it.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

To the Beta-mobile!

We've got Alphas to crush!

Oh, crap, the kids.

Uh, you guys g-go ahead.

I'll meet you there. Uh, Betas!

Check out the past brothers.

Mmm, if those sideburns
could talk.

Here's a magazine about jugs.

Their secret is
they love pottery?

Did I mishear them?
Is this actually called

the Room of Suck-rets?

No, I think
we heard them correctly.

It's the Room of Secrets.
Well,

these secrets suck!

Oh, here's Dr. Yap's class.

It's Beta!

And a bunch of tiny clothes.

Oh, Beta's starting
his own fashion line.

No, dummy. This means the Alphas
never stole the iguana!

Hey, you guys aren't
supposed to be in... Beta?

We found him in the wall
behind Dr. Yap's class photo.

Why would Beta be here
in the house?

Unless Yap made up
that whole story.

He wouldn't.

He would. He would. He would.

Who would?
Dr. Yap.

Oh, yeah, he would.

Oh, my God.
We have to stop him

before he gets those kids
kicked out of school.

It's all right,
they can move in with us.

Dibs on Turd.
(grumbles)

BOB:
I can't believe it.

Yap made up
the whole thing?

He's been pranking
his own frat!

It's the ones
you least suspect.

Sometimes.
Not this time.

(indistinct conversations)

Oh, good, Bob.

I thought you might
have wussed out.

You're just in time
to see the Alphas

pay for taking Beta.

I know what you did, Yap.

It's over.

Recognize this iguana?

(gasping)

Recognize this iguana tail?

Or these briefs?

Just curious.
They're mine now.

Okay, Bob, you got me.
I took Beta.

I thought a prank war would
bring the brothers together

and show them
how much I mean to them.

So it wasn't the Alphas at all.

Those damn Alphas
don't even know we exist.

Yeah, they seem pretty focused
on their charity work.

I've been TPing
our house for years

just to get this thing going.

Okay, this fake
prank war ends now.

The brothers are already
on probation, Yap.

Prank the Alphas here

and you'll get
the house shut down.

So what?
They'll be legends!

Oh, no.
What's the prank, Yap?

Well, since you're
too late to stop it,

I'll tell you.

First, I dressed

as a waiter
and snuck into the banquet

while they were setting up.

Oh, my God,
how long is this story?

YAP: Then I drilled
a hole in the stage,

and underneath
I planted

the splatter-master
saliva keg!

The what? Are you insane?

I don't know.

Is it insane to collect
the spit of every patient

who's passed through my office
for the past six months

and put it in a pony keg?

Absolutely. Not necessarily.
Hmm... No.

Right now, all the Betas

are under the stage
with the keg,

waiting for that Dean Dixon

to introduce his Alpha lapdog.

And when the Alpha president
steps up to the podium?

Sploosh.

This is
a great plan.

We're doing this!

No, we're not, Louise.

Come on, Yap.
No!

It's all so easy for
you, isn't it, Bob?

You just moseyed
into the Beta house

and stole
their hearts

with your hamburgers
and your perfect body.

Yap, I'm sorry, okay?

And I get it.

The fraternity's great.

It's like being
in a family of guys

with beer and karaoke.

Sucker punch!
(grunts)

We're definitely
switching dentists!

No!

You'll never get
a better family dentist

who's in your provider network!
(laughing)

DIXON:
Hello, I'm Dean Dixon,

and you're all expelled.

Just kidding.

Except for you, you're expelled.
Just kidding.

Oh, God.
He started his intro.

I've got
to do something.

You're too
late, Dad.

You'll never
stop it now.

I've got to try.

Uh, now I'd like to introduce

a truly outstanding young man...

Me! Hello!

I am the honoree's, uh,
twin brother.

Hmm?

But I'm 20 years old.

Excuse me. Uh...

That's okay, Dean.
Thanks. Have a seat.

You know what I like
about my brother?

He's nice.

He-he wouldn't hurt a fly,
much less...

I don't know, I'm just naming
animals here... an iguana.

LOUISE:
Boo!

Please have her removed.

I want everyone
in the room to know,

even people who might be
under the stage right now,

that the Alpha president would
not hurt or kidnap an iguana.

Right?

Maybe he would!
No, he wouldn't!

Those are the kind of things

our crazy oldest brother
would do, though.

You know, our crazy,
Asian dentist older brother?

I'd point him out,
but I have a slow hand.

A slow hand.

Dad should leave the
jokes to Dean Dixon.

Ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha.

Come on, help Dad out.

(quietly):
Are you talking to us?

(quietly):
Don't set off the spit keg.

Um, let's go out
and ask him what he means.

Hi. How are you?

Excuse me,
who are these young men?

I probably should have
come to rehearsal.

(screaming)

(slow motion):
No, Yap, no!

Dad, um, you've got a little...

On your... Bit right here.

I did it! Betas!

Yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap,
yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap,

yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap!

What-what are we working with here?
What's goin' on?

Are these cougars?
Cougar,

cougar... LINDA: Oof.

Cougar.

Kind of
a cougar-poodle mix.

LINDA: Uh-huh. Cougar-doodle.

LINDA: Aw. Ah! Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Wow.

Cougar-doodle
opened the sample case.

Yeah, they're very smart.

(bell jingles)
Bobby!

Why are you all wet?

Wow, hi, guys.

I brought the guys for burgers.

I've kind of been
forgetting to feed them.

Sorry Dean Dixon banned you
and Slowhand from campus.

But thank you.

'Cause, you know,
you de-Yapified us.

With that guy banned from the frat,
my GPA might go up.

Yeah, sorry Yap
called you a nerd

for doing homework.

And that I said
I agreed with him.

?

(purrs, laughs, barks)

What is... what is
happening right now?

What is this?
Go for it, man.

I don't know what
to do from here.

Beta rules!

Uh, uh, uh, uh.
How do you like that?

Why are none of
these guys interested?

(whoops)

Tonight everybody
gets hazed!

My sisters are my brothers!

I'm gonna go pee out a window!

Wait, why is everybody
holding vibrators?

? He is freaky, freaky, freaky

? Sneaky Pete

? He's unique-y, nique-y,
nique-y ?

? Sneaky Pete

? Make you shrieky, shrieky,
shrieky ?

? Sneaky Pete

? Ah-ah, Sneaky

? Sneaky Pete

? He is freaky, freaky,
freaky ?

? Sneaky Pete

? He's unique-y, nique-y,
nique-y ?

? Sneaky Pete

? Make you shrieky, shrieky,
shrieky ?

? Sneaky Pete.

LINDA:
I want to go home with you

with your bedside drawer
and live there forever.