Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 4, Episode 3 - Seaplane! - full transcript

Why is that old couple holding
hands in side-by-side bathtubs?

Is this an ad
for side-by-side bathtubs?!

I want them!

Where have you
been? It's 8:15.

We have half the town
out looking for you.

How was date night?

- Great.
- It was all right.

- It was great.
- It was fine.

- It was really good.
- Yeah, it was fine.

I'll take my doggie bag now.

Breadsticks,
breadsticks, breadsticks.



Breadsticks!

Well, I'm going to sleep.

I'm exhausted
from painting the town beige.

What's that supposed to mean?
I-I thought you liked Rudy's.

Yeah, the first 15 times.

Bobby, we almost never
get to go out.

Next time we should try
something new.

Look, we work hard,
so on the rare occasion

we take a little break, it's
nice to know what we're getting.

Whoa, Dad. Turn the
romance down a notch, eh?

Bob, I'm tired of us
plopping down at Rudy's

and eating soup, salad,
breadsticks and fish.

It's always soup and salad,
breadsticks and fish.

The type of soup changes.



What was it tonight?

Cream of something.

Thank you, Tina.

We need adventure
or we're gonna shrivel up

and die right
in front of the kids.

I call dibs on Mom
and Dad's room!

I call their clothes
and jewelry!

I call, uh, um,
wait, what left?

Dad's DVDs.
Dibs!

All the cards we've ever given Mom.
Mine!

This is all happening so fast.

Put your seat-backs
and tray tables up

'cause we're about to take off!
Okay.

Seaplane

flying lessons?

What's a seaplane?

I want to say
it's a plane you can see,

but that can't be right.

I was at the market
and I took this flyer out

of a woman's shopping cart,

and I signed you and me
up for flying lessons.

First lesson's free!

Aren't you excited?

Uh, no. I hate flying
on big planes.

Why would I want
to go on a smaller,

even less comfortable plane?

Are you doing that thing where
you're mean to seaplanes

because you really
like seaplanes?

Pullin' on their hair.

Let's just stick
to good ol' Rudy's.

No! No, no, no!

No more boring dates!

We need adventure, excitement!

We're flying. Look at me...
No, Lin.

Come on, give me your hand. Come on!
No, I don't... No.

Lin, stop. I'm not going on a seaplane.
Look out. Look out for the bird.

Uh-oh, there's a balloon.
How'd that get up here?

I'm not in the air. Oh, look
at the town from up here.

I don't see anything.
I'm on the ground.

I see it. The people
look like ants.

No, wait, those are ants.

And that's where Ma lives
and Pa.

I told you, I didn't go
in the plane. I'm not with you.

Fine!

Then I'll go on
our adventure by myself!

You go to Rudy's and have
a cannelloni all alone-y!

Oh, my! She just
rhyme-burned you.

Put some lotion on that.

Yoo-hoo.

I'm here
for the seaplane lesson.

Are one of you fellas
the flight teacher?

Oh, not me, I'm old.

But if you're looking
for a father figure,

look no further, young lady.

Aw. No.

Fair enough.
Hi there.

I'm Kurt. Nice to meet you.

I'm Linda.
This was supposed to be

a couple's lesson
but my husband's being a jerk.

I-I mean, he didn't
want to come.

I-I mean,
h-he couldn't come.

Too bad. His loss.

I'll go.
Gus?

Just kidding.
I know I'm not allowed to go.

Well, let me introduce you.

- Linda, this is Shoshana.
- Oh.

She's a 1968 Sweetnam Eagle
that I rebuilt by hand.

She's 45 years old,
but she looks 30

and she handles like she's 18.

Oh, if I die today,
I want that on my headstone.

I love it.

Go ahead and grab
ahold of that yoke.

Now, once that little needle
reaches 60 knots...

We're flying!

No, you're flying.

Oh!

I'm flying! I am flying!

You're a great teacher, Kurt.

You're great for noticing.

I am flying.

Better than breadsticks!

I haven't heard
that one but okay...

Uh, hi,
Mr. Fischoeder.

Shh, shh, shh. Quiet, Bob.

All right,
see you in hell, Roger!

What? This is the only
spot I get good reception.

Ooh, is someone
taking flying lessons?

Yeah, our mom.

Poor Bob.

I had no clue
you and Linda were on the rocks.

We're not.
You're not not on the rocks.

Ah, denial. A woman
doesn't take flying lessons

from Upskirt Kurt because she's
satisfied in her marriage.

Wait, what are you talking
about? Who's Upskirt Kurt?

Oh, yeah, I've heard
of that guy.

The macho seaplane pilot
who beds bored housewives.

What do you mean "beds"?
He makes their beds?

No, Gene. Kurt is
seducing your mommy.

Hmm... I hope he's
a good listener

because that bird
likes to chirp.

All right, knock it off.
I-It's just a flying lesson.

With Upskirt Kurt. Look, you
know what's happening right now?

She's cramped in a
way too small space,

nauseous from diesel
fumes and this guy's B.O.

You just described her life
with you.

Trust me, she is hating it.

Whoa...!

I wouldn't be too
sure, Bob. See, uh,

Kurt has a certain
aphrodisiac he utilizes.

Aphrodisiac?
Yes, yes.

First, he pretends there's
a problem with the plane...

What's th...
Wh-what's that sound?

What-what's that sound?
Are we okay?

Huh, that's odd.
We're losing altitude.

- Radio's dead.
- Wha-what? What's going on?

What's happening?!
We're okay,

but we're going down.

Then a fake emergency landing

on an uninhabited island.

Quippiquisset Island,
to be precise.

But the locals call it
"Quicky Kiss-it."

Why do they call it that?
It's a make-out island.

Where people go to make-out.

That's why I want
to get a kayak.

- Quicky Kiss-it?
- Mm.

Emergency landing?
That cannot work.

It could, Bob. Look at Castaway.

Tom Hanks falls in love
with a volleyball.

It works. Kurt's a hero,

and the bored wife is putty
in his big, strong hands.

Oh, I didn't know
he had big, strong hands.

Or putty.

We're gonna die!
I've never died before

and I'm not about to start now.

The bored wife cheats death,
then cheats on her husband.

That's the power
of adrenaline, kids.

Oh, you should teach
at my school.

And you should work
in my coal mine.

Got to go.
Sorry about your marriage!

So, so sorry, Bob.
Look, I really don't think

a professional flight
instructor is going around

faking emergency
landings, Teddy.

Bah. You're probably right.

Linda, look at me.

Huh.
We're gonna be okay.

Huh. I'm gonna set her
down nice and easy.

Okay.
Oh, God, the engine!

I don't want to die!
I don't want to die!

Just got to point the nose down

- into a controlled dive.
- Oh!

- We're gonna crash!
- No,

we're gonna flare.

Wait for the plane

to settle onto the water.

Just like a duck on a pond.

O-kay. D-Duck,
duck, duck, duck.

Oh, duck, duck,
duck, duck. Duck! Duck!

Duck! Quackity, quackity!
Quackity, quackity!

Duckity duck!

You did it!
We're alive!

Oh, Kurt, you saved us!

I did. I really did.

I guess between my training

and my...

instincts, uh...

Okay. Oh, God.

I've got mouthwash around
here somewhere.

Upskirt Kurt... what a nickname.

I mean, it rhymes, for one.

Is Mom wearing a skirt?
I can't remember.

What did she wear today?

- Maybe he supplies the skirts
on the plane. - All right,

knock it off. Your mom isn't
being seduced right now.

And I shouldn't have
to say that to my kids.

Well, you did get into a
big fight with her earlier.

And shouldn't
she be back by now?

She should...
Oh, God.

All right, you know
what? Let's go down

and meet her at the docks.
Not like I'm worried

but just because I...
We should see the docks.

Ah, nothing like seeing
a good dock, right, Dad?

Mm-hmm.

Uh, excuse me, sir.

I'm looking for my wife.

She's taking a flying lesson.

She may or may not
be wearing a skirt.

Oh, my goodness,
this is awkward.

Uh, what? Wh-why?

Nothing. So, flying lesson, huh?

Uh, yes, she's, uh...

she's supposed
to be back by now.

Gosh. I-I just don't normally
see the husband.

Or the kids. Jeesh.

Real life comes up
and hits you in the face.

Uh, okay, uh, all right.

Uh, maybe we should go
check out the island.

You know, just to be safe.

Uh, sir, how do we get
to, um, uh...

Quicky
Kiss-it Island.

It's called Quippiquisset.
And I have no idea.

I guess the best way to get
there is to crash a seaplane.

What are you doing here, Bob?

Shouldn't you be
rescuing your bride?

Uh, um, I'm trying
to get out there.

Someone's got to have
a boat for hire around here.

What do you think this is,
Key West?

Everybody's just got a boat?

This guy thinks
everywhere is Key West.

Take the ferry
to King's Head Island.

Maybe there you'll find
this colorful, fictional

boat-for-hire
that you're looking for.

Yeah, it's got to be colorful,
right, Dad?

Okay, yeah, the ferry.
L-Let's do it.

Ticktock, Bob. Upskirt Kurt
moves faster than this.

He's not called "Kurt
the Long Slow Courtship Guy."

She's not cheating on me!
Okay...

Well, what do we do
now? The radio's dead.

No one knows we're here.
Can you fix the plane?

Maybe. The engine's still
too hot though.

We'll have to wait it out.

Man, I'm parched.
Prosecco?

Ooh, I love champagne.

It's, uh, Prosecco.

What?

Oh, God.
These bubbles make me burp.

You always fly with champagne?

Prosecco. I was gonna take
my mother on a picnic

after our lesson.
She lives upstate.

I love her dearly,
and she loves picnics.

Aw. But since we're stranded,
we'll need the energy.

Do you like cheese?
I love cheese.

Almost dying really
makes you hungry.

It does.
But I promise you,

I'll find us a way
off of this rock.

- Got any mozz? - Hey, let's get out
of the sun so we don't dehydrate.

There might be a shady
meadow over that hill.

And maybe go a little
easy on the cheese.

Mmm. Oh, it's good.

Wow, you were right
about the meadow.

Hey, look, a lute!

I always wanted to
play one of these.

The hell's a lute?

If anything, I was sharp
because you were flat.

Or I was perfect.

So long, mainland!

My island name
will be Daiquiri Zachary.

When you're not pouring drinks,
you're solving mysteries.

Quicky Kiss-it? Can there really
be a whole island for kissing?

Ah...

♪ Quicky Kiss-it

♪ Quicky Kiss-it

♪ Quicky Kiss-it

♪ Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah

♪ Quicky Kiss-it

♪ Ooh, Quicky Kiss-it

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Whoa.

Dad, what's gonna happen
when you see Upskirt Kurt?

Are you gonna punch him?

I'm not punching anyone, Louise.

Dad's not a fighter,
he's a yeller.

- An old yeller.
- Normally I'd agree,

but we're talking
about Dad's woman.

I think it gets physical.

I'm sure nothing is happening
on that island.

- Mr. Fischoeder!
- No!

Why didn't you say
you had a boat?!

I have a boat!

There. Are you happy?

No!

Bye!

Uh, excuse me, can you, uh,

take us to Quippiquisset Island?

AKA Quicky Kiss-it Island.

Where the currency is kisses
and everyone is rich.

That's my daughter. Well, I
can take you as far as here.

That's my mail route. Uh, great.
That'd be great.

No one lives on Quippiquisset,
so no one sends mail there.

Just neckers and canoodlers
on Quippiquisset.

Hmm.
Um, okay.

And gropers. Huh. Got it.
We'll, uh...

we'll take the ride right away.

Something about Quippiquisset
just makes people horny as hell.

Hmm.
Okay, thank you.

Here, have a grape.
They're juicy.

Nah, I got the stuff grapes
grow up to be right here.

Well, I've got the stuff boys
grow up to be right here.

Okay... You think
the engine's cool enough to check on now?

Hard to say. There's a lot
of heat on this island.

The heat of the engine,
the heat between you and me,

us...

What are you doing?

Giving in. Join me.
Giving in? What?

We just
had a brush with death.

Our adrenaline and our endorphins are
running wild... let's go with it!

No! No, no, no!
My endorphins want to go home.

Really?
Well, my endorphins think

we should take turns kissing
each other's faces.

You go first.

Okay, I'll go first.

Whoa. Kurt, wrong idea.

Cool your engines
right now, buddy.

Isn't this what you want?
Adventure?

Linda, you asked the
universe for help,

and it gave you me.
Namaste.

Captain, you are not cleared
for landing, capisce?

Kiss me, Linda, and
we can fly lying down.

Ow!

What the hell?
Wow, that really works.

Why would you
head-butt me?

I was gonna punch you,
but I'm holding wine.

I can't believe
you're rejecting me.

Yeah, I'm married, you idiot.

So are all my other
clients. Ugh!

Everything was going perfectly.

What do you mean?
We crash-landed.

Kinda.

You didn't!

Ow! Stop it!

That's for faking an emergency.

And since there's nothing
wrong with the plane, let's go!

Now!
Fine.

Let me just put the lute back.

That there is Quippiquisset.

Good day for neckin'.

Don't kiss anybody, Linda!

Not that I think you would.

Don't get pregnant!

I want to be the baby!

No! Do get pregnant!
I want a brother!

Or maybe get a dog first,
to practice?

You guys want
to read some mail,

take your mind off of things?

All right, where'd you hide
your dumb flying boat?

Oh, no!

No! No, no, no, no.

Seriously, where's the plane?

I don't know!
It must have floated away!

What?! How the hell
does that happen?

The tide came in!
So now we're stuck here?!

My plane! Oh, my God,
oh, my God, my plane!

Ow!
You-you turd!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Come on!

Help...!

Someone get me
off this stinkin' island!

We're gonna starve out here,
all because you thought

I was so bored of my marriage
that I would have sex

with some slimy seaplane pilot.

- Unbelievable.
- No. We're gonna starve

'cause you ate all the cheese.

I bet that picnic wasn't
even for your mother.

Doy, Linda. Look,
I'm not gonna apologize

for giving women
what they want.

Women do not want to be tricked

into having sex.

Well, when you say it like that,
it sounds gross.

Listen, buster, you stay on
your side of the island,

I'll stay on mine.

Wait, switch sides;
that side's better.

Well, this is as
far as I can take you.

Time to reseal some
of these envelopes.

Definitely a federal offense.

Nope, think you're wrong there.

- Not if you seal 'em back up.
- Right, yep.

- You're not gonna go tellin'
- on me, are ya? Nope.

We got to find a way
to get to Quippiquisset.

Dinghy for four?

Whoa, whoa, but
that's not ours.

Come on, Dad, suck it up.
We got to get to Quicky-Kiss-it

before he quicky-kisses Mom.

Sheesh, this island's seen a lot

of emergency landings.

Hey, Linda?
What, Kurt?!

You got every right to hate me.

Now that I've had a little
time to think, I hate me, too.

Yeah, 'cause you're a jerk.

I'm pathetic.

I chase bored housewives. Why?

Because... I don't have
any love in my life.

No, you don't.

I know, I don't.
I know.

I like to think there's someone
out there for everyone,

but, uh... but...

Okay, all-all right.

O... Uh, I know.

O... I know.

Shh...

Okay, shh, stop it.

Stop it.

All right, come on.

All right,
don't be such a baby.

There's probably somebody
out there for you.

Some freak.

Hey!

What's wrong with you?

Your hands are soft.

Rub my breasts.
No!

Why is rowing so hard?

Are we even moving?

Tidal wave!
Here comes

another one.

What is with these waves?

They just keep coming!

There she is! Linda!
Bob?

Kids? You found us!

Kids, stay in the boat.
It's a dinghy.

Get your hands off her,
Upskirt Kurt! Huh?

My-my hands are
nowhere near her.

I don't understand.

Easy, friend.

We're not friends!

You think we're friends?
Yes, I do.

Are you seeing how
tan this guy is?

That's all I'm seeing.

Careful, Dad.
Watch out

for his big, strong tan hands.

Hey, hey, guy.

Let me tell you something...

guy!

In a second.

I just got to catch my breath.

Rowing is really hard.

But you make it
look so easy, Dad.

No, you don't.
You look horrible.

Oh, God, Mom's gonna
leave you for Kurt.

Ah-ah-ah-ah,
stay on your side.

Ah...
Ow!

You punched my butt!

What is it with you people?

What were you even aiming for?

I don't know.

The rowing really killed me.

I can't raise
my hands very high.

Lin, did he try anything?

Oh, yeah, couple times.

But I smooshed his face
like this.

Eh! Call her off, call her off!

Hey, look,
it's Mr. Fischoeder.

Wha...?
Mr. Fischoeder!

Bob? Is that you?

You look macarooned.

We are!
Help us!

Look what I found!

Shoshana.

Eh, Sho-shove it! Ha!
Ow!

Well, climb aboard
if you want a ride.

Can we ride in the plane?
Sure.

Okay, just wipe
your feet off. Aah!

Sorry to leave you,
Quicky Kiss-it.

We both know you haven't seen
the last of Tina Belcher.

So...

how was the lesson?

Great.

Yeah. This is
way better than Rudy's.

Huh? Bottomless
salad bowl

looking a little
better now, huh, Lin?

Aw, go suck on a crouton!

So, how many horses
you got under the hood?

Uh... I think about a thousand.
Is that a lot?

Oh, that's a lot.
Let's see.

Yee-hah!

Whoa, that boat
can really zoom.

Aah! Buckle your
seat belts, kids!

; It's getting
a little bumpy.

And a little fly-y!

Holy crap! We're lifting off!

And we are airborne, people!

Yay! I got
in the Mile High Club!

Early admission!

Hey! We got to tell them
to slow down!

Hey! Where's the horn
on this thing?

There's no horn. You should
really lower the plane, guys.

We know, Tina!

I mean, because of that.

Bridge...!

Oh, it's also got a stereo.

Oh!
All right!

The plane's not lowering.

We're going too fast.

Then we got to go up.

We got to go over the bridge.

- How? - We have to cut
the towrope somehow.

Gene, hand me that toolbox.

Oh, come on,
there's nothing in here

but massage oil
and a wine opener.

- Wine opener!
- Ding!

Thank you, Louise! This
is no time for wine, Dad!

Oh, man.

You're going out there?

Yes, Louise, I'm going out

on the wing of an airplane.

It's called a pontoon!
Pontoon!

And
that's called a bridge.

Oh, Bobby, this is crazy;
don't go out there.

I have to!
Okay, I can do this.

Aah!

Bobby, be careful.

I'm trying!

But also hurry, please.

Yes, thank you for that!

Oh, Bob, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I said
you were boring.

- I should never have
signed up for this. - No,

Lin, I'm sorry.
I know we should go

on better date nights. I...

Maybe you should just
have this conversation later!

Yeah. She's right, she's right.
I agree! That would be best!

♪ Figaro, Gigolo,
Figaro, Gigolo ♪

♪ Gigolo, Figaro,
Figaro, Gigolo... ♪

Did you save us yet, Dad?

Not yet, Tina.
How about now, Dad?

No! I'm trying
to do it!

How much progress
have you made?

It's not a real knife,

- And I'm on the wing of a plane!
- Pontoon!

Just a percent, a percent.

It's looking pretty grim, Dad!
Just sayin'.

The constant
questions aren't helping!

Wait, wait, almost got it.

Oh, boy.

Bridge, bridge,
bridge, bridge, bridge!

Linda, hit it! Go up!

Aah...

Are you still there, Bob?

Yes! I want to be
inside now, though.

Dad! Dad! Dad!

Oh, Bobby!
You rescued us!

That was close.
Oh, you're my hero.

Oh, it's okay, I puked, too.

Linda, you're flying.
I know, right?

Wait. Can you land?
I mean, did you learn that?

No. Oh.

Oh. Well...

that might be an issue.

Oh.

That's odd.

What?
Never mind.

Okay.

Oh, I think I know what to do.

Kurt was faking it, but I watched
him take this thing down.

Then do that. Yeah. Now.

Do it now!
I am.

Just got to act like
we're going to crash...

Crash?! Why are we gonna act like
we're doing that? Here we go.

Uh, this should work.

It's not working!

I can do this. I feel
like Amelia Earhart.

Oh, God, she died.

I feel like a regular captain

on a regular plane.

What the...?

And...

flair... mama!

Shoshana, Shoshana,
oh, oh, oh, oh,

God, God, God, oh...!

Looks like Kurt's trying
to land with his penis again.

Yes!

How are we alive?!

'Cause your mom is incredible!

Flying's the best!
Why do we drive anywhere?

Best date ever.

Whoo! I have so
much adrenaline

pumping through my veins.
Me, too.

Oh, it really puts me
in the mood, Bobby.

Oh. Yeah, me, too.

Yeah. Crash-landing
really is an aphrodisiac.

Kids, uh, swim to shore.

Your father and I are gonna
have a "Proshecco" picnic.

Prosecco.
Oh, yeah, that.

Okay.
Bye, Tina.

Tina, uh, come back.

We were joking.

Remember,
do your ice cream scoops.

Ooh, now I'm
hungry for ice cream.

♪ Quicky Kiss-it

♪ Quicky Kiss-it

♪ Quicky Kiss-it

♪ Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah

♪ Quicky Kiss-it

♪ Whoo! Quicky Kiss-it

♪ She's kissin', she's kissin'

♪ She's kissin' so quick

♪ Quicky Kiss-it

♪ Ooh! Quicky Kiss-it

♪ Uh-huh, Quicky Kiss-it

♪ Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah...