Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 4, Episode 21 - Wharf Horse (or How Bob Saves/Destroys the Town - Part I) - full transcript

Does putting a Band-Aid on a fart make it go away? There are so many wonderful memories at the Wharf. Calvin tries to renovate the rides at Wonder Wharf. Felix wants Bob to ambush his older brother so Felix can sell the land for condos. Tina tries to save her favorite carousel horse, Mr. Goiter, as Bob serenades Calvin a la "Hair." (It's so easy to be hard... nice.) Is "Take Your Landlord to Lunch Day" real? Do rules apply to all of us... even Louise? Bob shows exactly how he cares for his town.

Come one, come all!
Come on in!

You! Look at me
when I'm talking to you!

Don't walk away, you coward!
Hello, children.

Why aren't you spending
what little money

your family has
at Wonder Wharf today?

We're supposed to be
handing out these fliers,

but no one's biting,
so we were about

to give them all
to our old friend Gary Trashcan.

You guys, we could give
Mr. Fischoeder a flier.

Looks like he's
got his hands full

with his own struggling
business flyers, right, buddy?



What? Struggling?

The wharf isn't
struggling.

Ha, ha, ha.
It's great!

In fact, we're giving
the whole park a facelift.

And not the kind you give
to decrepit old businesses,

but the kind you give to hot,
sexy, successful businesses.

- You go girl.
- Hey, listen,

here's three coupons
for one ride each.

We've reopened
the Scream-i-cane...

same thrilling ride
without any lost limbs.

One hopes.

Aah! The Scream-i-cane!

That's the idea! Yes! Aah!
Aah!

BOTH:
Aah!



We'll take 'em.

BOB:
Hey, look.

I made a flower
out of a napkin.

Oh, yeah. Look at that.

That's great, honey.
I know it is.

Wow. Not so busy
today, huh, Bob?

Hello, everyone.

Hey, Mr. Fischoeder
number two.

(laughs) Yeah, you can
call me just Felix.

I'm gonna call you Lil' Fish.

♪ You're a little fish,
Calvin's a big fish ♪

♪ Something smells fishy,
la, la, la... ♪

Stop it! I don't like
degrading nicknames!

Now, if you'll allow me
to introduce you

to my dirty, flirty,
little squeeze thing,

Fanny, the 29-year-old
girlfriend that I have.

I just bought
seven bras!

Wow.

Yeah.

Bob, I have a proposition for you.
No.

You haven't heard it yet.
How would you like...

I wouldn't.
...to see this run-down old town

turn into a thriving now town?

No thanks.
Wait. Felix, what are you talking about?

I am in the midst
of negotiations

to sell Wonder Wharf
and build...

high-end condos!

It has a ring to it, right?
Condos?

Condos.
Condos?

Condos! We talking about condos here?

Wait a minute.
Sell Wonder Wharf?

What does Mr. Fischoeder say
about that?

He says no,
because he's a big dumb wiener!

He thinks he can fix that wharf
with a few "renovations"?

Does putting a Band-Aid
on a fart make it go away?

That doesn't make sense.

Yes, it does.
I don't know.

Lot of memories
on that wharf.

I told Bobby I was pregnant
with Louise on the Ferris wheel.

He just kept screaming. I did.

The wharf was where I won
my first black light poster.

Beginning of a lifelong
love affair.

The first body I ever worked
on washed up under the pier.

Little Italian
guy. Strangled.

Aw, sweet.

You don't get it.
What?

They don't get it.

High-end condos

means rich people with money,

which they will give
to your businesses,

so you can become rich.

Well, when you put it that way,
all right! I love condos!

Yeah! Money, money, money. Yeah!

Rich, rich, rich, rich,
rich, rich, rich.

Hurray for money!

Well, I don't see
how we can help,

and I don't want
to help, so...

Bob, I don't think I've
gotten through to you.

Take a look at your
specials board.

(chuckles) Do you think these
people appreciate saffron?

Appreciate what
you're doing here?

What is saffron,
Bobby?

Uh, Mort was asking.
I already know.

Is it like a food thing,
or more of an attitude?

What if, on the ground floor

of this condo development,
there was...

(singsongy):
an upscale burger place?

You could call it "Bob's Bistro
on the Beach with the Burgers."

Ooh-la-la!
Hello bah jour!

I could make
that happen.

Hmm. You've described
a secret fantasy of mine.

I mean, a nice restaurant,
upscale location.

I wouldn't name it that,
but I'd like to-to...

B-Bob, Bob, will you help me
with something in the bathroom?

What? Um, no.

Uh, uh.
Felix, I don't want to go, so...

And yet, here
I am pulling you.

Yes, you are. Linda?
Bye, Bobby!

(both grunting)

(people screaming)

The Scream-i-cane.

We're going on it.

Or... hear me out...
we don't go on it.

Ooh, interesting.

I'll go on it,
but only if you guys go

on the carousel with me after.

I want to go visit Mr. Goiter.

You never forget
your first horse love.

(calliope music playing)

Fine, we'll go
on the Scream-i-cane,

then the boring carousel
with the freakish horse

with a lump on it's neck. Yay!

Hey, burger babies!

BOTH:
Hey, Mickey.

Three of your finest seats,
please, Mickey.

Gee. Sorry, Louise.
You're too short.

I can't let you ride.

Oh, too bad!
Bye-bye.

Mickey, Mickey, Mickey, what's
a couple inches between friends?

Wouldn't be safe,
and I also happen

to be up for
Employee of the Month.

We get our pick
of the stuffed animals,

and I have my eye on a banana
wearing Bermuda shorts.

What?! Louise, let's just go. Come on.

Oh, I hope you're happy
with your shorts-wearing banana!

Your only friend now, Mickey!

Enjoy the park!
Don't talk to me!

Oh, Felix also
bought me these.

What?
These. Blink, blink, blink.

Y-Your eyeballs?

The lashes.

Oh, they're beautiful.

Yeah, they're
weasel fur.

I knew it.

Oh, and when
the condos go in,

Felix is gonna build me
a recording studio.

What?
Also a nightclub.

Oh. 'Cause I have a really good voice,

so I'm gonna sing
at the nightclub.

I love nightclubs
and singing!

Sing me a song.
Okay.

She's gonna sing!

♪ Who's that knocking
on my door? ♪

♪ Ooh, it's Mister Dance Floor ♪

♪ Everyone is looking fancy ♪

♪ Things are about
to get dancey. ♪

Oh, my God, I just
almost started dancing!

Thank you!

Yes, Bob's Burgers
on the Beach sounds nice,

but I still don't see what
you need me for in all this.

Also, I wish
you weren't peeing right now.

Look, Bob. God, I love this
bathroom I built for you.

I just do.
Felix!

Okay! I need you
for a covert operation.

Phase one: you call Calvin
with some reason

to get him away from the wharf
at 1:00 p.m. today

so I can
take the developers around.

Oh, God.
I don't like phase one.

Phase two:
you work on him.

Convince him to sell.

Me work on him? Why me?

He listens to you.
Mm.

You remind him of our
father for some reason.

Maybe something
about that arm hair.

He is always staring at it. Yeah.

I understand why.

It's exactly our
papa's arm hair.

That's pretty crazy. I...

Hi, Daddy.
Um...

Too short? I'm not
too short. I'm perfect!

Hey, I know
what this gang needs...

a trip
to merry-go-round town.

(humming)

What?

"Carousel no longer
in service"?

"Newer, better,
less boring ride coming soon"?

Let's take it down, fellas.

(Tina yells)

Mr. Goiter!

Whoa!

Merry-go-down, am I right?
Too soon.

Please, Bob, just keep my
brother away from the wharf

for a couple of hours, work
your arm hair magic on him,

and you can have the
beachfront restaurant

you've always wanted.

(sighs):
Oh, I don't know.

This whole thing doesn't
seem completely right.

Bob's Bistro on the
Beach with the Burgers.

I still don't want
to name it that.

Do we have a deal?
(sighs)

Okay, deal.
(laughs maniacally)

But why are you doing that?

Oh, I was just thinking of
something from earlier today.

Well, now I feel
weird about this,

'cause you're laughing
like that.

No, no, no,
it's-it's fine.

(laughing manically)
You're doing it again.

All right, come
on, let's shake.

(chanting):
Uh! Mr. Dance Floor!

Ooh!
Mr. Dance Floor!

Wonder Wharf is open for business!
(chanting continues)

Hey, you... you don't look
like you have a job. Come in!

TINA:
No!

You bastards!

Whoa. I just got
a weird feeling.

Well, I didn't wash my hands,
so it could be my pee pee.

Okay, so you're telling me that
Felix gave you a covert mission

to keep Mr. Fischoeder away from
the wharf for a couple hours...

Uh-huh. ...so that Felix can
take his developers around,

get 'em interested.
Uh-huh.

And while we've got him,
you have to somehow

convince Fischoeder to
sell Wonder Wharf? Yup.

And we get a restaurant on
the beach, and we all get rich?

Yes.
Great. Easy peasy.

You think?
Yeah.

Aw, look at you,
humble little burger man

deciding the fate
of the whole town.

I'm not little.
Little burger boy wonder.

Ooh, I'm gonna make you
a T-shirt that says that.

I won't wear it.
You will.

So, a lie to keep Mr. Fischoeder
busy for a few hours.

Ooh! I got an idea!
Mm-hmm.

We call him up, tell him

we're looking to swing,
see if he's into it.

Um, no?
What? We're cute.

Hmm.
Oh!

What about Take Your
Landlord to Lunch Day?

We tell him it's
Take Your Landlord to Lunch Day?

Yeah. Hmm. He does like lunch.

He loves lunch.
God, I'm hungry.

Me, too. Let's
eat first.

Lady Big Nose, no!

Oh!
Oh!

Mr. Down There Hair!

Ooh!
Aah!

Henry Human Feet!

His feet were more human
than mine!

Boss, I don't know
what to do here.

Listen, little girl,

Mr. Fischoeder wants us
to take down the carousel.

No one rides
it anymore.

Possibly because they're put
off by the deformed horses.

This one makes me
a little sick.

I don't care
about your facelift!

Nobody touches Mr. Goiter!

He's a hideous delight!

Oh. Oh, man!

Tina, got an idea!
Be right back!

Okay. Oh, no!
Dr. Big Butt!

Take Your Landlord to Lunch Day? Yup.

And you want to go
to King's Head island?

It's your special day. (Fanny humming)

Fanny, you want
to come to lunch?

Mm-kay!
Hop in!

(humming)

Hi. Hi.
How are you?

Ooh, what'd you get?

It's a skirt, but
I'm gonna wear it

as a dress so you
can see my butt.

Butt-dress.
I like it!

Butt-dress, butt-dress golly. (laughs)

(whispering loudly): Psst.
Fanny, want to hear a secret?

We're doing the plan.
Hmm?

BOB: Lin? Felix is planning to get
Fischoeder away from the wharf.

BOB: Lin? LINDA: He doesn't have
any idea. He doesn't have a clue.

Linda, we can hear you.

What? No.
It's girl talk.

(whispering loudly):
They can't understand us.

Oh, my God.

Bob?
Yes?

There is no Take Your Landlord
to Lunch Day, is there?

Oh, maybe they can
understand us. Little bit.

Damn. I was really
excited about it.

Landlords never get any fun stuff.
LINDA: Aw.

I just got a refill.
What'd I miss?

Well, the workers
went on break,

so I'm just taking
a little breather.

They're not on break.
They're right there. What?!

You said you were gonna sit with
your lunch boxes and chitchat!

We ran out of stuff
to talk about.

Well, I... How about, um, like,
what you did this weekend?

Sorry, kid,
but we got to do this.

(sighs)
Fine.

Just, let me
say good-bye.

Okay.

♪ Good-bye, Mr. Goiter ♪

♪ I love you so much ♪

Nice bike lock.
It's Teddy's.

He was hoping
it'd inspire him to get a bike.

Tina.
What?

Put your head right there.
Okay.

Hey!
Oh. I wish I could have gotten

in a more comfortable position.
Now swallow the key.

What is going on?!

And that's how you lock
your sister to a wooden horse!

Yeah! Um, unrelated...

does anyone have any water
or some pudding?

So, as you can see,

incredible ocean views,
and a girl

bike-locked to the carousel.
What? I didn't say that.

Okay, snow cones on me.

Go pick out your flavors,
go crazy.

I'll be right back.

Hi, how you doing?
Greetings.

Um, what are you doing?

I've bike-locked myself

to Mr. Goiter to save him.
Yeah.

Leave now,
or I will make you leave.

Oh, do you have
the ability

to make 13-year-old
girls poop out keys?

He might! Don't
look in his eyes!

This guy's trying
to make my sister poop!

(laughs):
No, I am not!

Girl-pooper!
Girl-pooper!

Girl-pooper!
Shut up!

This is boarding school
all over again!

Boarding school
sounds fun.

FISCHOEDER: So, Felix put you
up to this, huh?

Kidnapping me so he can show

his developers around
my wharf parts?

No. Yes.

Well, I want to go shopping.
I want some new stuff.

What? You can't just leave
a kidnapping to go shopping.

This isn't Florida.

BOTH:
Bye!

(humming)

Shop!
Yeah.

(sighs)

So, you're probably mad.

Not really.
Doesn't matter.

I'm not going to sell,
anyway, ever.

So, we might as well eat.
Right?

Uh, yeah. Oh, my God.

I... forgot my wallet.

Ah! Imagine.

Uh, you could cover
and I'll get you back.

You want to do that?

Of course. Why wouldn't I pay
for my own kidnapping lunch?

(quietly): All right.
Bob's Bistro on the Beach.

Bob's Bistro on the Beach.
Here we go.

Mr. Fischoeder, I know you said
you weren't gonna sell ever,

but if you did sell
the wharf, you could...

I told you, Bob,
it's off the table.

Now, uh,
what to talk about.

What do you think of...
loose women?

(music playing)
I like them.

Mm-hmm.
Mr. Fischoeder.

♪ I know you're already
a wealthy-ish guy ♪

♪ But think of what
that condo money could buy ♪

♪ And I'd open up
Bob's Beach Burgers and Fries ♪

♪ Oh, nice things are nice ♪

Uh-uh. Not interested.
♪ Your own private island ♪

♪ A million eye patches ♪
♪ No, I don't think so ♪

♪ A gold swimming pool ♪

♪ l to hold all of your cashes ♪
♪ No, sorry, Bob ♪

♪ I'd hire real waiters who all have mustaches ♪
♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ Oh, nice things are nice ♪

♪ Soon you will see just
how nice life can be ♪

♪ When you start raking in
condo people's money ♪

♪ Ooh, I love this dress,
does it come ♪

♪ In size three? ♪
Uh-uh.

Okay, six?
Uh-uh.

Okay, ten?

♪ Oh, nice things
are nice ♪

♪ I'm chained to Mr. Goiter ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la... ♪

♪ In hopes that they
don't destroy her ♪

♪ Okay, it's not a her,
but I really ♪

♪ Really wanted it to rhyme ♪

♪ A legion of servants,
all at your command ♪

♪ An army of tigers,
like you always planned ♪

♪ I could buy my own missiles
to launch at Engl... ♪

Never mind, I'm not telling.

♪ My sophisticated burgers
they would understand ♪

(harmonizing):
♪ Oh, nice things are nice... ♪

You guys.

Excuse me.

There's no
singing in here.

Oh, sorry.
Thank you. Sorry.

Sorry. Terribly sorry.
Yeah. Thank you.

Got carried away.

LINDA:
So...

did you guys
have fun?

Uh, yeah. We, uh,
shared a moment.

I think.
Or maybe not.

I don't know.
This is a disaster.

Bob?
Yeah?

I don't know
what it is about you,

you bushy-armed bastard.
Um...

But you've convinced me
to sell Wonder Wharf.

Really?
That-That's great.

Hooray! Hooray!
All right!

Have you ever tried
brushing it this way? Like this?

No, uh, but I will.

It's a good look for you.

Calvin, where
have you been?

What have I been doing?
Just, you know,

had myself
kind of a chill-out day.

You know, made a collage,
skipped a rock.

Felix, listen.

You can tell your developers
that I'll sell.

(exclaims)
Yah mo be there!

Let's start calling
the lawyers!

What's going on
over at the wharf?

Oh, nothing,
nothing.

Lot of people.

Are those news trucks?

Hey. Don't worry about that.

Look at me.
Check this out. Here we go.

Go down, and then my arms
go back and forth,

I lift my leg up and...

Why have you
locked yourself

to this horse,
young lady?

Well, um, he has a name;
it's Mr. Goiter.

Oh, there's my dad. Dad!

They want to destroy
the carousel.

You have to help me stop them.
Tina!

Aw, you look so pretty
for the news.

Tina, I know
you love the carousel,

but I have to tell you
something.

(quietly): They're tearing down
Wonder Wharf to build condos.

(crowd gasps)
No...!

Uh, you weren't
supposed to hear that.

It's for the best.

You understand,
right, honey?

Damn you all to hell!

Yup, so... great.

They're tearing
down Wonder Wharf?

What if I grow?

What rides am I
gonna ride on now?!

Why even grow?!

And what do I do with
10,000 skee-ball tickets?!

I've been saving up
for the Pontiac Solstice!

Mr. Fischoeder, is this true?
Are you selling the Wharf?

Uh, yes, it's, uh...
Uh, Calvin, Calvin.

Can I take this one?

Hi, I'm Felix Fischoeder.

The other odor.
(chuckles)

Listen, folks, once those
wealthy condo owners

start patronizing
your businesses,

your disappointing, fruitless
lives will be full of fruit,

because you will be
rich enough to buy fruit.

Yeah. Sweet condo-people money.

That's right!
That's right!

That's right!
That's right!

Let's get their money!

All right.

Hey, I know you got
a lot going on here,

but, uh, here's
what we're gonna do.

We're gonna
cut out this pole,

pull you off
with a forklift,

and... hopefully,
it's safe.

What?

LINDA:
What's happening?

What's going on?
What is happening?

What is happening?!
Tina!

Uh...

Well, at least
Mr. Goiter's okay.

(screams)

Tina, my precious
baby angel!

Tina, are you
all right?

No, I'm not!
First Mr. Fischoeder

wants to tear down
the carousel,

now you want to tear down
the whole wharf?

This place means a lot
to a lot of people.

What's wrong
with you?!

Okay, honey,
you're hysterical.

It's all right.
Come here.

(grunts)
Mama's gonna hug you

back to normal.
Come on.

This park is like...
like the heart of the town.

Shu-shush, shush,
shush, shush.

Shu-shush, shush,
shush, shush.

Oh, my God. You're right.
Tina's right.

I was gonna say all that stuff!
You were?

No, but you guys
are getting so clique-ish!

So you convinced
Mr. Fischoeder to sell?

Yes.
To build condos?

As in condominiums?
Yes.

Dad, I love you, but what
the hell were you thinking,

you idiot?
Sorry, I love you.

Oh, God, I-I got to go
talk to him.

No! The condos!
The money!

Hey, I got an idea,
let's go get pretzels.

Lin, I-I knew Felix was wrong,

but I let myself
get talked into it.

I got to go fix this.

Just be rational!

Linda.

Linda, let go.
(growls)

Linda, stop it.

You're hurting me!

Mom, let him go.
Let him go, Mom!

Drag her off me!
Don't do it!

No, you let him go!
Don't you do it!

Get her off!

(all grunting)

Nuts.

Now, these condo people...

what percentage
of their income

would you say
they spend on yarn?

Oh, what a good question.

Roughly 45%.

That's not very high!

Hey, Mr. Fischoeder, could
I speak to you for a minute?

In private?
Yes. Please.

These people
keep talking to me.

Uh, how about
we go on a ride?

Hey, I heard good things
about the Scream-i-cane.

Okay, what the hell.

Come on, Gene.
We're going, too.

I told you, no
roller coasters!

The technology just
isn't there yet!

Now here's
a question for you.

Who likes nightclubs
with a Caribbean theme

and a 29-year-old singer
who happens to be my girlfriend?

(giggles)
It's me.

Hey, Mr. Fischoeder.

You're looking
rich today, sir.

Hey, we're with the boss
man, Mickey, so lay off!

Yup, safety second,
that's what I always say.

Stop us! Stop us!
You're terrible at your job!

We appreciate your feedback.

I'm gonna die and I never

got to see
Hall & Oates live!

So, you can't sell the wharf.
Really?

Yes.
Great.

Hey, I have some laundry here.

Maybe I'll just
throw it into you,

big fat washing machine man.

What?
'Cause you're wishy-washy!

You just convinced me
to sell the wharf.

Look, Mr. Fischoeder,
I was wrong. I got greedy.

(all screaming)
BOB: I don't feel good!

FISCHOEDER: Good!
LOUISE: Yeah!

I got caught up
in having this nice place

on the beach,
selling burgers to...

Oh, God... fancy rich people.

Aah! Why did I think this
would be a good place to talk?!

'Cause you're an idiot!

Hmm.

It always seems to get stuck
here on the big hill.

And then the limbs
come off.

Oh, God.
Louise, is it over?

Am I home on the couch
watching The Closer yet?

Yup.
Aah!

This episode takes place
on the Scream-i-cane!

Wow. It's beautiful.
Are you going to try to kiss me?

What?

Well, you used to be straight,

but who knows
with Mr. Flippy Floppy?

Mr. Fischoeder, listen.

I thought I wanted nice things,

but I don't even
like nice things.

I mean, look at this shirt.

This is my favorite shirt.

Ooh. That is so sad.

Look, those condos would
make us like everywhere else.

The wharf is the
heart of the town.

It's what makes
this place special.

I mean, sure, it's run down,
it-it's really seedy,

it's kind of dirty, they
don't pick up the garbage.

Mm.
But it's also great.

Hmm. So, are they gonna
chopper us out of here or...

(all screaming)

(Louise whoops)

Oh, God, off.
Yes, off.

We did it! I lived.

I knew that rules didn't
apply to me. I knew it!

Whew! My pants
are moist but not wet.

Oh, that part's wet.

Boy, it's been a long time
since I've been

on a ride; they're wonderful.

(laughs) Papa always said
people like things

that go up and down
and side to side

and jiggle all
their stuff around.

And mother sewed that on a pillow.
That's nice.

I'm never selling
Wonder Wharf.

What?
Never!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you saying?!

I'm not ever
selling this wharf!

What?!

No, no, no, no, no!

Damn it!

Linda!
Wha...?

I'm going on again.
Me, too!

And here I come, too.

Clop, clop, clop, clop,
clop, clop, clop, clop.

Felix, what about
my nightclub?

Fanny, Fanny, Fanny, Fanny,
Fanny, Fanny, Fanny...

No! You're not
getting any of this.

Or this.
What?

Or even this.
(screams)

Thanks for
saving the town, Dad.

You're welcome, Tina.

Thanks for reminding me
what's important.

Yeah, sure. Hey have you ever
pooped out a key?

No. Um... dice.

Mm. Well, okay,
I'll figure it out.

So, we really
did it, huh?

Well, I did it.
You almost blew it.

Yeah, but then I
brought it all home,

kind of heroically... not to
pat myself on the back, but...

Felix.

There you are.
Uh, sorry.

I, uh... I realized
what you were trying to do was

horribly wrong and...
is that a gun?

Yup. It sure is.
It's where I keep my bullets.

(nervous laugh) Okay, well,
I'm going to, uh, head out.

No, no!
No, no, no.

(laughs maniacally)

Oh, he's doing
that laugh.

I don't like that.
No.

Are you thinking of something
funny from earlier today?

No! I'm laughing maniacally!
Okey dokey.

Glad you like this
rotten old wharf so much,

'cause it's where
they're going to find

your rotten old bodies.

Hey, hey. I-I don't think
you have a rotten old body.

Um, I think he's talking
to both of us, right?

No, no, no. Can't be.

You're the old one. Look at your face.
What?

Shut up! You're both old
and you're both gonna die!

Oh, so you did mean both of us.
Yeah.

(gunshot)
Quiet, please!

Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

LINDA:
♪ Wonder Wharf ♪

♪ Wharf of wonder ♪

♪ This won't end ♪

♪ Till Bob's six feet under ♪

♪ He wanted things
that were nice ♪

♪ But will he pay
the ultimate price? ♪

♪ Wonder Wharf ♪