Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 4, Episode 18 - Ambergris - full transcript

Low tide is great.

The ocean is just
giving this stuff away?

If you see any bottles, check
for a romantic message inside.

I call dibs on any hook hands
or peg legs.

Hey, what do you think this is?

It smells disgusting!

No, wait, it smells amazing!

Like the boys' locker
room on a hot summer day.

Gross!

Great!

Gross! Great!



I can't stop smelling this
enigma of gross-great.

Is that what sex will be like?

Hey, Mr. Fisch!

Hey, m'lady Bob.

Uh, rent's not due, is it?

I mean more due than usual?

Relax. I just stopped by
to introduce you to my brother.

Brother? I didn't know
you had a brother.

Yep, I have a brother. Felix.

He's, uh, in town for a while.

His inheritance ran out.

So he'll be doing some
of the landlording around here.

Keep him out of my hair, will you?

Um, o-okay.
Where is he?



He's right, uh... Oh. Uh,

oh, he might not want to come in.

- Felix, come here!
- No!

Felix...
It looks gross!

Please, Felix.
It's okay to come in.

I came in, and look at me.
I'm fine!

There you go. Hi, pal.

- Hi! Greetings!
- I don't want to be here.

Shush. For all your landlording needs,

Felix is your man.

Oh, uh, great. Well, did you get
my messages about the bathroom?

That I left you?
For the last several months?

Yes, I got them.

How the hell did you get my number?

You gave it to me when we met.

Not to use!

Well, uh, last week,
the sink exploded.

And the hot water is brown.

Hot brown water?
Felix loves hot brown water.

I do?
He's good at all that stuff

that you just were yammering on about.

Well, gotta go.

Okay, so do you want to call a...

Yes, I'll call
whatever you were about to say.

Plumber.
Plumber. Of course, yes. Why?

You know, I can just call him.
I'm supposed to call him!

Okay.
Oh, my God.

Is it always like this?
Does it always take this long?

Is there always this much talking?
What?

Don't say anything else!
I'm not getting roped

into another hour-long discussion!

I'll call your plumber!
Good-bye!

Rich people run funny.

Must be all the money
in their pockets.

Or it's their big, rich,
golden wieners.

Eh, it's probably their wieners.
Yep.

Guys, you know that lump
we found on the beach?

My name's Gene!
No, the smelly lump.

His name's Gene!

The other lump.
It's called... ambergris.

Ambergris, aka beach garbage.

"When a whale

"eats a squid, the sharp squid beak

may irritate
the whale's digestive system."

Hey, whale, maybe stop
eating sharp squid beak!

What are you trying to do?!
"When that happens,

"the whale's stomach
coats the squid beak

"in a waxy substance
that the whale then passes."

Passes to who?

Like in sports?
Boring whale sports.

I think "passes" means "poops out."
Go on.

Ambergris is used in the
production of high-end perfumes."

People pay to wear whale poop?
Wake up, Louise!

People wear all sorts of animal
poops we don't even know about!

It's not poop at all.
It's a waxy substance

that whales secrete from...
Whoa! You can eat it!

"King Charles II's favorite
meal was ambergris and eggs."

Yep, he looks like a
breakfast-for-dinner kinda guy.

That piece sold for $30,000?

Our piece is bigger than that piece.

Ah! Jackpot!

Wait, whoa, whoa, where is our piece?

Where is it?
Gene put it in Mom and Dad's bed.

Hey,
why are you going into our bedroom?

Probably putting something
gross in our bed.

I'm taking something gross
out of your bed!

Oh, good.
Thanks, sweetie!

Okay. Here it is.
I'm holding $30,000 in my hands.

If somebody wants this
and has that much money,

they will give it to us?
Am I saying that right?

That can't possibly be right.

Slice me off a little nugget
of that, will ya?

I just want to rest it on my tongue.
No way, Gene.

Hey, but with your share
of the money, you can buy

some other ambergris and eat that.

Yes! It's like instant
gratification but later!

Uhhhh...
What, Tina?

We can't sell it.
What are you talking about?

Ambergris is illegal to sell

because whales are endangered.
Oh, well.

I'll just, um, look up the number

for the whale crimes unit.
Tina? No.

You're right. We can just ask
Mom and Dad what to do with it.

They're pretty cool.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Tina,

you're not telling Mom or Dad
or anybody, do you hear me?

We found it, we're the ones
who are gonna get rich, okay?

But it's illegal.
Tina, sweetie...

Yeah?
Guess what? I got a secret.

Hmm? Okay. Okay, ready?
You want to hear the secret?

Yeah, what is it? Ah!
We're selling it!

Tina, tell me the secret.

Juicy.

Good morning, parents!

And good morning to you,
partners in victimless crime.

Uhhhh...

What do you think the odds are
that Felix will send

a plumber today?
Twenty-twenty!

Wait, is that an odd?

Speaking of odd, uh,
yesterday, on the beach,

Gene, Louise and I found a...
Sister! A word?

What the hell was that?

You're gonna blow our whole operation.

I'm sorry, Louise; I just wanted
to get Mom and Dad's advice

about whether we should
tell Mom and Dad.

I mean,
whales are endangered, so...

Just-just find a whale
to give your money to

when this is all over, okay?

Start a whale scholarship
or something!

Greetings, sisters.

Gene, what are you nibbling on?
Is that a piece of the lump?

Um, I'm protecting it.
Give it to me.

Mm-mm...
Give it to me...

Mm-mm.
You spit it out.

Mm-mm. Mm. You spit it out.
Open up that craw!

Mm-mm. Uh-uh.
And spit it out!

Listen up, blubber lover,
Uh-huh.

you use your share
to buy more ambergris...

that's the plan, remember?

Oh, all right!

God, you're like a goat.

I am like a goat!

Listen, I thought of a connection
who can help us move this stuff.

Who?

The hardest, most ruthless
criminal we know.

Hi, Mickey!
Hey, Mickey.

Kids, what a nice surprise!
Nice gig.

Yep. The "Queezy Queen."

It's good honest work.

Pull the lever, push the lever,

"you have to be this tall,"
and that is it.

Uh-huh.
Yep! Just push and pull.

Very Zahn.

You mean "Zen"?

Zahn. Steve Zahn.

He's an actor I admire.
Love that guy!

Hey, Mickey, uh, can we talk
to you in private for a second?

Sure, sure, sure.
Step into my office.

Like it?
You guys comfortable?

Can I get anybody a water?

We're good. Mickey, what
would you say if I told you

somebody found something... I'm in.

Hold on. There's more. Oh, great.

So, there's this thing that comes out

of whales' butts called ambergris.

It's illegal to buy and sell.

Enter, you.

Okay, gang, I'm intrigued.

But I don't know...
I left the criminal life behind.

Good for you.
I used to be a thumbsucker

and then I stopped, so I get it.

Mickey, Mickey, Mickey, Mickey!

Come on, man.
It's one last job.

This is my last job.
This is my last job moment.

This is the one I do and then
I die or go to jail at the end.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no!

This is the one you do
and then you are golden.

Oh, okay. If I help, I'd get some
kind of finder's fee, right?

Maybe, like, uh...
I don't know, ten percent?

What?! I mean...
yeah, sure.

That would help me buy my bar.

I want to get a bunch of monkeys.

Call it the Monkey Bar.
Or... ooh... or crows!

I could call it
the Bar with All the Crows.

That's beautiful, Mickey.
I love your dreams.

Oh, I got to go, I got to go.

Sorry, kids!
Bonus round, right?

I'm back!
Felix. Hi.

Are you here to tell us
the plumber is coming?

To fix the hot brown water?
No. Because the hot brown water

is just the tip of
the hot brown iceberg.

I was just about to call the plumber.

Then I thought,
"That's thinking small."

Calling a plumber is thinking small?

Tiny! We're gonna give
your bathroom a total remodel.

Oh! Wow. The bathroom's fine.

It's just the water that
needs to be not brown.

Yep!
A total renovación!

My brother will flip.
He'll be like, "Whoa!"

And I'll be like, "Yeah! Calvin!
I friggin' did it!"

And then he'll be like,
"Oh, that's nice." Um...

So where is the latrine?
Let me see it.

Over there.
It's-it's over there.

Oh, God! It's horrible!

It's not that bad.
Wait, let me look at it one more time.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh!

First, we're gonna
tear everything out.

Yeah!
Then we're gonna burn

that sad little poop
corner to the ground.

Yeah, burn it! Oh.
I don't think that's...

Burn, baby, burn!
No.

And, in its place, we will build

a bathroom where anything can happen.

Babies will be born!

Aw, babies. All right. Men will die!

They're gonna die. Maybe just fix
the plumbing and then do the...

It's a new day, people.
It's a new day.

You can't hurt us again,
bathroom! Never again!

Oh, my God.

Sleep tight, little ambergris lump.

Good night, ambergris.

Mmm...

Gene, no licking!

Hey, what?! The lump
made the first move!

I'll tuck it in. Ow.
Everyone say good night

without touching it or licking it

or hurting its value
on the black market.

Say good night! Good night.
Good night.

Okay, now walk away. Ambergris,
I'm gonna eat some old cheese,

but I'll be thinking of you.

What? Who's there?
What's that?

Pretty, pretty, pretty.

Thirty. Thousand.
Dollars.

Thirty.
Thousand. Dollars.

Put it on the boat, Hovig.

Put the tile on the boat.

Hovig, calm down.

You know me;
I'm not gonna burn you on this.

Ho... Talk to him, Linda, please.

Hovig, listen to me.
He won't burn you.

Wait, wait, who's Hovig?

Felix, how long is this gonna take?

We need a bathroom.

Some people come here
just for the bathroom.

And I say, "Customers only,"
then they buy a soda.

Bob, shh, it's the tile guy, come on.

Okay, if you could
just give me a ballpark

of when this will be done...
Okay. Thank you, Hovig!

I love you, honey!
She's great with Hovig.

Did you sleep at all last night,
Louise? Sleep? Ha.

Soon I'll have people
who do my sleeping for me!

Bob's Burgers!
Whoa.

Louise, it's Mickey!
Oh, hi, girl

who sits behind me in math class.

What? No, no, it's Mickey!
Brown hair?

Hands a little bit small, out
of proportion with his body?

Yeah, yeah, what's the
good word, math class friend?

Oh! You're being discreet.

I should do that.

I found
somebody to move the ambergris!

You did? Who?
You're not gonna believe it,

the fried dough guy. He works
right near the Queezy Queen.

Really? You found someone
at Wonder Wharf?

Uh, don't be alarmed
but pretty much everyone working

at Wonder Wharf is a criminal.

Even Sally the snow cone lady?

Are you kidding? Especially
Sally the snow cone lady.

Okay.
Well, let's go see your guy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, compadre.

I-I got to wait till my next break.

Can we say 3:00-ish?
You want to meet here

and then we'll head over
and see the Nose?

Who's the Nose?

That's my guy.

He's got an amazing sense of smell.

Oh, that's why they call him
the Nose! I just got it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And...?
Well, he can verify the ambergris,

and if he likes what he smells,
he'll buy it off you

right on the spot.
Ten percent to me,

we go our separate ways.
Or hang out!

I don't know what you guys
are up to, but I'm just...

Gotta go.
Wait for further instruction.

Bye!
Kids meeting. Upstairs. Now.

We've been having
a lot of kid meetings.

This is why we need a conference room.

Mickey told me the name of his connect

and where he works,
so it's sayonara, Mickey!

What are you saying, Louise?
We're cutting out Mickey?

He cut himself out
by giving us the information.

It's not my fault
he's bad at being a criminal.

But Mickey was gonna use
that money to go straight.

He was gonna open that straight bar.

Okay, Tina, you're too emotional.

You just bought yourself
a ticket to Not-Goingsville.

Gene, let's go.
Here, I'll hold the lump.

No way, Gene. I've seen how
you hold it... in your mouth.

It needs to be stored
at mouth temperature!

You know what?
I'm going alone!

I'm taking charge
so you two won't screw this up!

You want to end up like Mickey?
Five-foot-ten?

Comfortable in his own skin?
No! Cut out!

Cut, cut, cut, cut,
cut, cut, cut! Aah!

This stuff is making you crazy!

It's tearing us apart!

Why couldn't that whale have pooped

three equally sized poops like I do!

This isn't like you, Louise.

You used to be nice, sort of.

If you're gonna sell that thing,
then you're doing it alone.

Yes, that's the plan.

That's exactly what I'm doing.

Wh-What are you doing?

You don't walk into a
deal just holding the stuff.

You tape it to your back.

Watch a movie!

Okay.
Let me get that for you.

Thank you.

The tape doesn't stick.

Stay still.
I'll get the duct tape

Dad uses to lock
the front door at night.

It's ready.
Ambergris lump secured?

Check.

Sample for The Nose to test? Check.

I'm leaving here a girl
with a hunch on her back,

but I'm coming back a girl
with a whole hunch of money.

I'm mad, but I'm still
gonna wish you good luck!

I got the deejay...

Yay! Ah, the unveiling party;
It's gonna be amazing!

Unveiling party?
Party time!

We don't even have
a bathroom that works,

and you're planning a party?

By the way, the deejay
might have to stay with you.

What?! Yes. He's Brazilian,
though, so, uh... very cool.

No... Felix, no.

The burlesque girls, you know
what, let's just have them

dancing on the tables and the counter.

Oh, burlesque girls!
Classy!

Very classy.
Please, sir, don't encourage this.

You're not in... You know what?
What?

You know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna have
a plumbing party, all right?

With a licensed plumber.

To fix the bathroom.
Not a deejay,

no burlesque show.
Okay.

A plumber to fix the pipe!

Bobby! So no girls, then?
Or still girls?

It's still happening.
I'll put you on the list.

Fried dough?
Are you The Nose?

That's what they call me.
What do they call you,

Humpback Whacky Eyes?

Listen, doughboy, I came to
talk to you about real dough.

Ah, I see.

You're, uh, you're early.

And you're, uh, rather tiny.

Yeah, yeah, I'm a little girl.

Sorry I'm not huge and old.

Wh-Where's Mickey?

Uh, Mickey sends his regrets,
and, uh, this... hearty

handshake.
Ugh!

You put something gross in my hand!

Oh. Okay.

Sweet Georgia O'Keeffe!

This is finely aged.

You have the
rest of it with you?

Well, do you have the money?

I want $30,000!

Well, I don't have it on me.

Then I don't have the stuff,

Do I, Nose?

Oh, you know what?

I just remembered.

I want to the ATM yesterday.

I have about $30,000 on me.

Okay, great, great!
Let's do this.

All right, count of three,
I give you the money,

you give me the ambergris.
Sounds good.

Okay. One...
Okay.

...two...

...three!

It's huge!

12 dollars?!

Oh, is it?
Are you robbing me?

Yeah...
What?!

Mickey's not here.
You're very small.

It just makes sense.
Yeah, okay, I get it, I get it.

But what if I do this!

Nope. Doesn't work.

Remember?
You're small?

You have to give it back!

Mmm, hey, this smells like a
cantaloupe wrapped in dirty socks.

It's a cantaloupe
wrapped in dirty socks!

Tina!

Stay still.
I'll get the duct tape

Dad uses to lock
the front door at night.

Dear Louise and/or The Nose,

this is for your own good.
Also, please return

the cantaloupe and the socks.

Love, Tina.

You know,

they're not that dirty...
you can get

another day out of
these, quite frankly.

Okay, okay, okay,
if I were a double-dealing

goody-goody with a treasure,

where would I go?
Is this a riddle?

No.
Kid's book?

No. And I wasn't talking to you, Nose.

Sorry!
Don't you have

some dough to fry?
Easy there, Blinky.

I don't have dough to fry;
I get to fry dough.

This is a dream job.

I never realized
sinks could be so sexy.

Oh, yes... sinks are
the supermodels of the bathroom,

as I like to say.
Yeah!

I call this one "Sinky Crawford."

Sinky Craw...
Do you?

Yeah.
Do you?

Yeah!
That's great.

That's so great.
Get it? Sink...

Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Like...

Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha-ha.

Ha...! I am so sick of your attitude.

Oh, yeah, it's my fault.
Come here, Bob...

Bobby, wait,
I didn't mean that. Bobby!

Oh, my God!
♪ Look at this one! ♪

Oh, yeah!
Hubba hubba.

Are you sure we should do this, T?

Yes. I know how we can still
use the lump for good.

Mickey can sell it and open his bar.

The bar with the monkeys
and the crows!

It's what the world needs now!

Don't worry about that sound...
that's nothin'!

That one,
ooh, that's new.

I got to report that one.

Mickey... Louise...
Hi.

she's meeting with the Nose right now.

Uh-oh. Crossed wires alert.

No. Louise cut you out.
She cheated you.

Ooh, that stings.

But I'm giving you
the lump, all of it.

You can use the money to go straight.

Buy a juicer... it'll
change your mornings.

Or cowboy boots.
Mm, change your evenings.

I'm honored, and I accept your offer.

And I know exactly
how I'm gonna go straight.

Yeah, your dream...
the Monkey and/or Crow Bar.

Nope. I'm gonna use the
money to buy a tank.

Uh-huh...
And then I could use the tank

Uh-huh.
to rob a bank!

Uh... Oh. I'll be Mickey Tank-Bank!

No!
Yes! Mickey Tank-Bank!

Aah! I shouldn't have come here!
Why, whale?

Why did you curse us with this poop
or wax or whatever it is? Aah!

There's only one thing to do:

We have to destroy the ambergris.

Whoa, hey, wait-wait-wait!
I was just getting

to the "going straight" thing.

I'm gonna do that after the bank.

Tina, where are you going?

Oh, my God, there she is!

Tina! Sister!

Ah, my only sister,

there you are.
Hi, Tina.

We haven't met yet, but I really want

that thing you're holding.
Everybody get back!

I'm gonna throw
the ambergris in the water.

No! Whatever you do,
don't throw it in the water.

Anything but the water!

Wait. Doesn't ambergris float?

Oh.

No! Aah!

Stop her!
She stole my baby!

Seagulls! Swarm attack!

Aah!
I thought that would work.

Hot... hot pier!
Ooh! Ah! Ow! Ow!

Aw...

We got her.

Nowhere else to go, Tina.

Hand it over.
I want that money!

What? What part of

don't you understand?!

Huh-huh.

Mmm, ah!

It's for the best.

Can I have the socks
and cantaloupe back?

I'll check in about it later.

Everybody having a good time?

I... know you are!

Can you drape it more casually?

Like, "Oh, I'm just
a ribbon, no big deal."

Uh, sure, yeah. How's this?
Beautiful.

Hey... so, I had a little
time to think, and I...

guess I was a tiny bit out of control

the other day, you know,
with the, uh...

You know, uh, the ambergris.

Huh. I didn't notice.

Oh, seriously?
No, I noticed.

Oh. You were really,
really out of control.

I don't know, I miss
twitch-face Louise.

Well, Gene, that's what happens
when you fry $30,000 in hot oil!

There it is...
there's Twitchy.

I'm fine. I'm good.

I'm just twitching to the music.

So, is this, uh, the unveiling?

Yep.
How's it looking?

Haven't seen it.

Not feeling great about that.

Doesn't seem to matter to anybody.

The deejay slept in my living room.

- Bob!
- Sergio.

Hey, Mr. Fisch. Wine?

Calvin. Welcome.
Was it easy to get in?

I left your name at the door.

Not bad, huh? You know,
I'm kind of glad

the burlesque dancers
didn't show. Heh!

They didn't want to dance
at a bathroom party.

What are they, royalty?
Anyway, let's unveil this baby.

Okay, uh...

Oh, God, I'm nervous.

The new, improved

Bob's-Restaurant-
that-sells-burgers ba-throom!

Oh, my God.

Oh... my God.
Which is the sink?

Which is the toilet?
I'd pee in that. Or that.

It doesn't quite match the
rest of the restaurant.

Calm down, Bob.

I didn't forget you and your concerns.

So the water works?
Oh, was that one of your concerns?

Yeah. It was.

Hold that thought.
Calvin...

Hmm?
what do you think?

Do you love it or do you love it?

What were my choices again?
You hate it.

No.
You do. You hate it.

You hate it, too, Bob, don't you?
Yes, I do, hate it.

You think it's stupid.
Too gaudy.

Too much black!

Not all those things.

You never support me!

Felix, you're being dramatic.

I'm not being dramatic!

I just feel like
I'm gonna throw up my heart

and my head will fly away like a bird!

So, you got your bathroom done.

I'm gonna rip it all out!

Mr. Fischoeder,
can you do something about this?

What, Felix? Oh.

Yes. Step aside.
Watch this.

It's Felix,

It's Felix, it's Felix,

it's Felix, it's Felix,
Come on, Bob.

it's Felix, it's Felix...

♪ Who's that funny little wormy guy ♪

♪ Who poked out his
brother's eye? It's Felix ♪

♪ It's Felix,
and Felix is Mommy's favorite ♪

♪ That's me! ♪

Yeah!
Works every time.

My mother played bongos.
Thank you.

Bob, you were flat.
I was just saying words.

You can't be flat when you're talking.

You're flat.
You're flat right now.

You're welcome.

Thank you, Felix.

Get a load of these two.
Siblings, right?

I'm glad we never fight or act crazy.

So, who's gonna
help me out here and lift me up

so I can pee
in that weird round thing?

That's Teddy!

Everybody having a good time?

Yay!

I know you are!

Party time!

Oh...! Hey...!

Whoa...!

Yeah!

Rio de Janeiro
is where I'm from.

Hmm! Yeah!

For bathroom
unveiling... today!

♪ Bathroom party... ♪

Yeah!

♪ Bathroom party, everybody... ♪

City of God...
that's my backyard!

♪ Bathroom party... ♪

♪ Bathroom party ♪

♪ Everyb... ♪