Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 4, Episode 17 - The Equestranauts - full transcript

In an homage to the "Bronies" subculture, Tina attends her first Equestra-con, a convention based on her favorite animated pony show, "The Equestranauts." To her surprise, she finds that the show's fans are middle-aged men (called "Equesticles"). When a powerful super-fan tricks Tina out of her rare toy pony, it's up to Bob to go undercover to get it back.

Good morning, Chariot.

Good morning, Peggy-Sis.

Do you want to run into town?

No. It's too hot to trot.

Xandar!

Equestranauts, I've cast a spell on
Horse Valley Farm that will bring

a thousand years of darkness.

Oh, no.
We have to stop him.

To the stable.

Peggy-Sis.

Headhorn.



Chariot.

And Minnie.

The Equestranauts!

Do I like this show?

Neigh... I do not.

I told you we should have
watched reruns of Melrose Place.

So, Chariot, are you as excited about

going to the Equestranaut
convention today as I am?

Maybe even more excited.

Well, it's not
a contest, Chariot.

You ready to go, honey?

I was born ready.

Let's giddyap, people.

Wait, you guys are going, too?



Uh, we're not not going
to a toy-pony convention.

And Chariot's gonna get a new saddle.

Finally.

Chariot?
That's kind of a weird name

for a horse, isn't it?
Why is that?

It's like, "Hey, who's pulling
the chariot? It's Chariot."

Oh, my God.
Why am I analyzing this show?

Anyway, you guys can't all go.

Who's gonna help me
with the restaurant?

Not me. I traded shifts with Antonio.

Never mind.
Never mind. Just go.

Yay!

Guess I'll be here with Antonio,
the employee Gene made up.

You should know, he thinks you
killed his father, so he may...

seek revenge.
Good luck.

Hey, Bob.
You going to EquestraCon?

Uh, no, Teddy. Because
that's a convention

for little girls that like toy horses.

Uh, beg to differ, Bob.

It's for guys that like toy horses.

They're called Equesticles.

"Equesticles"?

Yeah.
'Cause they got testicles.

'Cause they're men.

I'm really here.
I'm really here.

I'm... Where am I?

This isn't a community of my peers.

Does anyone else think these
girls all look like men?

I think they are men.

This is a kind of man.

We discovered a new kind of man.

Do you think they're dangerous?

Mmm... no.

Oh, God. Poor Tina.

I know, right?

Why do men have to ruin everything?

I don't know.

But we kind of do.

What's with us?
Aah...!

All the war.

All of the war.
And this, too.

It is a good show, though.
It is?

Yeah.
It's pretty good.

Well, some episodes before the reboot.

So, I guess we should
jump on in there.

Oh, no.

I said I wanted to "see" it,
not, like, walk around in it.

On my legs.
Yeah, Tina.

What do we look like to you?

People that walk on their legs?

Well, I'm gonna go
check out the food court.

Oh, yeah.
Let's watch them eat.

And watch me eat.

You guys should see what I can
do with nachos these days.

What?

You'll see...

Okay. I guess I'll just take a lap.

Meet you back here in 12 hours?

Ooh. I like this one.

That's hand-stitched.
They're $95.

$95?

You could buy
an actual saddle for that.

Okay. Never mind.

I guess I can't get you
a new saddle, girl.

Don't look at me like that.

Nice Chariot doll.
Is it your dad's?

No. It's mine.

Wha... What's, what's
the matter, little lady?

I guess I just feel
a little out of place here.

Maybe because
I don't have enough money.

And I'm not a grown man.

Oh. You can barely tell.

Listen, why don't you
hang out with us?

This is Sunpuddle.
Ta-da.

Horseplay.
Pleasure.

Pony Danza.
Neigh!

And I'm Bronconius.

Great. I'm Tina.

I was starting to feel
like I didn't belong.

Are you kidding?

Everyone belongs here.

That's what the Equestranauts
is all about.

You can be anything you want to be.

No judgments.

Well, some judgment by me, like this.

Hot mess.

Hey.
Are you okay?

You're a cute mess.

I want to talk more
about that pony, Tina.

When'd you get it?

I came out of the womb with it.

Just kidding.
I got it on my fifth birthday.

I didn't recognize it
as a joke at first.

Well, my theory is the
original series and the reboot

take place in the same multiverse.

Yes!
That totally makes sense.

Then how do you explain
the Incepticon?

Come on. Were they Incepti-kidding?

I guess they were.

Say, Tina, have you ever thought about, uh...
selling that pony?

Oh, no. Why, Bronconius?

Oh. Just Bron-curious.

So... you're the original owner?

Yeah, but I hate to say I'm her owner.

I prefer mother, caretaker,
best friend and role model.

And she couldn't ask
for a better role model.

Look at all you've accomplished
Tina, with your... bangs...

and your... socks.
Thank you.

Oh. Hey. Oh, my gosh.

What's this?

Why, it's the new
Cosmic Twinkle Chariot doll.

Gee, and I don't even really need it.

Want to just trade straight up?

Yeah... I-I don't know.

Tina. Tina. Tina.

Face it, your Chariot doll's
looking a little... giddy-yuck.

Me and the guys here think
you deserve an upgrade.

Right, guys?

Right, guys?
Ye... yeah.

Right. Yeah, I think that.

Sure.
Treat yourself.

See? This is gross.

But this...

Oh... so pretty.

It is pretty.

Everyone will envy you.

Um... okay.

Great!

Well, got to gallop.

What? Oh.

Guys, let's pick it up.

Bye.
B-Bye.

The rarest Chariot doll is mine!

And all I had to do was swindle
little miss Tina-bopper.

She had no idea what it was worth!

What the...?

Uh, great, Bronconius.
Good job.

Tina, did some guy just swindle
you out of your toy horse?

What? No.
I mean, kind of.

Why did you say that?

He just said it.

Wha? Who? Wha...
What's going on? Wha?

Tina got swindled!

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Ah...!
I told you,

we should never have
left the food court!

How could I be so stupid?

Bronconius played me for a fool.

I can't believe someone
cheated you out of your doll.

Equesticles!
Can't trust them.

Why would somebody do that?

What's so special about your horse?

"The rarest Equestranaut."

Only six in the world!

My Chariot was rare?

She never even mentioned it.

She was so humble.

It has a rare production defect.

It has camel toe.

It has camel toes?

No. Camel toe.

Oh...

Well, this is ridiculous.
She's just a kid.

And I bought that the night
before your fifth birthday

when your mom remembered we didn't
have anything else for you.

I'm going down to that convention
and I'm getting that doll back.

Bronconius isn't gonna
just give it back, Dad.

Wake up!
He tricked Tina!

We got to fight trick with trick!

Like what, Louise?

Dad's gonna waltz in there
disguised as an Equesticle

with a complete knowledge
of the show, earn their trust,

infiltrate their inner sanctum,
then steal Chariot back?

Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! And yes!

No, no and no.

Oh, come on!

We've always wanted
to give you a makeover.

And I've always wanted to
make you a silly costume

that you have to wear in public.

And you love me
and would do anything for me.

Yeah, do it for us.

Okay. Fine.

Yay!

Undercover Horse Dad!

I love a good picnic
after completing a mission.

And I love a good picnic
after completing a picnic.

Minnie!

So, Minnie's power is, she's small?

Yes, Dad! And it comes in extremely
handy in many of their missions.

Focus, damn it.

I'm sorry, Tina. I'm trying.

Dad, you have to be perfect.

These people know everything
there is to know

about the Equestranaut multiverse.

One slipup, and it's over.

Okay. So, I'll just watch this

a few more times, take notes and...
And all these.

Okay.

And read all of this.

Uh, that's a lot.

And when you brush your teeth tonight,

use this Chariot toothbrush.
Seriously?

We can't take any chances.

Fine. I'll use it.

So, the mane is the bristles.

Right. Right. I got that.

Well, you're doing it backwards.

Oh. Oh. Right.
It has two manes.

Oh. That's the tail.
No. That's... Yes.

I got it.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Wow!

Amazing.

I, uh...
I have no words.

Dad, pop quiz:

Who did Horsana marry in season three?

Prince Horson.

No. It was King Horsely.

Correct. And what's
the capital of Horse Valley?

Well, a lot of people
would say Horseterdam,

because that's
the largest municipality,

but it's actually Salt Lick City.

That's right.
Ha!

I would have said Horse-pelier.

And finally, who would win in a fight
between all four Equestranauts?

Oh, my God.

Um... trick question.

Because the Equestranauts
have a bond of friendship

greater than any force
in the universe,

so they would never have a fight.
You're ready.

Bobby, this whole thing
is turning me on.

You're like a sexy spy.

Yeah. I kind of am.

Whoa. Except I'm wearing
a horse costume.

Yeah.

Remember, you're Bucephala.

She's their favorite minor character,

so you'll have
something to talk about.

Your pony name is Bob-cephala.

Why do I even need a name?

Do you have a pony name?

No! I'm a girl.

Girls who watch the show
are just girls.

But you're a man.

So act like a man
and use your pony name.

Wait! I think I see them!

Where? Where?
Right behind you.

Abort! Abort!
Take your cyanide capsule.

Gene, get off the phone.

Hey, nice Bucephala.

Thanks. She's, uh, my
favorite minor character.

Well, have a great 'con!

I was just gonna walk
in this direction as well.

So, yeah, I-I... oh, man,
I love the Equestranauts.

Uh-huh. Yeah.
Very much.

All the different ponies... interacting.

It's my phone. One moment.

What is it?

Dad, you're tense.

I can tell from here you're tense.

Just relax.

Do it! Do it!
Relax. Do it!

And, Dad, you walk funny.

Not helping, Gene.

I'm just saying, work on that.
Okay.

Anyway, have you guys ever

heard of this rare
Chariot doll that...

Look! There's Bronconius.

What now?

Dad, that's him.

That's the guy that took my pony.

Do not let him see you walk.

Hi, Bronconius.

Have you been having a
super great time today?

Up-bup-bup-bup-bup.

Who's this fella?

This... Bucephela.

Uh, it's actually Bob-cephela,
but you can call me Bob.

It's a shortened form of the name.

Nice costume.
Oh. Thank you.

No. I was being sarcastic.
It's ridiculous.

Uh... what's wrong with it?

Actually, it's like 50% the costume

and 50% the way your body looks in it.

Well, season five, episode 12 called,

and it wants your costume back...
after you wash it.

Got a little bite in you, huh?

Little kicky?
Um...

I like it.
Oh.

Question:

What's wrong with our faces?

They're not painted.

Face painting booth!

Bob-cephela?
Yeah! Def... uh, yeah.

Count-count me in...
to that.

Look at Bob.
He's so happy.

What a playdate.

He's so deep undercover,
he's forgotten who he is.

Oh, my God!

What if he becomes a double agent
and starts spying on us for them?

What a day. Phew!

After all that fun, it would be great

just to sit down and chat about, like,

what rare collectibles we've
gotten recently, right?

You go first.

Well, I'd love to, but I got
to go primp for the party.

You going to the party?

The party?

Uh, yeah... uh, yeah, sure.

You primp? You groom?

Yeah, I-I primp and groom.

Good. So we'll all go primp and groom
and meet back up at the party.

So we'll talk...
at the party?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Got to go, got to primp!

See you there, Bob-cephela!

Tina, clear some space
on your bookshelf.

Chariot is coming home.

I don't keep Chariot on my bookshelf.

It's a saying, Tina!

I could clear some space
on my dresser.

Forget it.
Okay, bookshelf.

Hey, guys!

Bob-cephala!

Drink?
Sure.

We were just talking about which
Equestranaut has the best power.

Oh, I'm not getting
in the middle of this one.

Oh, come on, Bob, you have to answer.

Well, it's definitely not Headhorn.

What?! What?!
Hold on!

I was just kidding, Horseplay. Relax.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I really like Headhorn.

Wow. Ugh! What is in this?

It's a cocktail, designed by
and for Equestranaut lovers.

It's called Horse Medicine.

This will really help you
get into character, Bob.

Great.

Bob-cephela!
Did you... primp?

Yeah. I mean, I thought I did.

But you didn't groom.

I did, Bronconius!

Please.
Sunpuddle. Shh.

Can I refill your trough?

I-I, um, I have one.
Thanks, I'll...

Two, please, maestro.
I'll have another.

I'm impressed with all
the studying Dad did.

He has a real mind
for Equestranauts trivia.

The most useful skill in the world.

I know, right?

How did this get in here?
It's non-canonical!

It's what?
Are you trying to say nautical?

Non-canonical!
Non-canonical!

She's gone crazy!
Let's put her down!

Dad, call me as soon as you get this!

You're in trouble!
Non-canonical! Non-canonical!

So, great party.

I mean, really...
good dancing.

Oh, God.
Except for that guy.

You're such an Equestrabully.
It's refreshing.

Sometimes it gets a little too
happy in Horse Valley, you know?

Sure. I feel that way,
as well, all the time.

Hey, uh, can I ask you something?

I know you're the expert around
here on Equestranaut stuff.

Oh, well, it's just something
I've proven time and time again.

Well, I heard a rumor that there's
this really rare Chariot doll

with, like, major camel toe.

Do you know if that's true?

Oh, it's true. Course, I'd
never seen one myself until...

Bronconius!

Come dance with us!

Mmm, Bob, come, let's
show them how it's done!

Mom, Dad's in danger!

Oh, what are you talking about?

He's surrounded by men
who play with toy ponies.

He's in the least amount
of danger possible.

No! When I gave him
all the stuff to study,

I accidentally put in some
of my Equestranaut fan fiction!

That means he thinks certain
zombie-horse-related things

happened that didn't.

And if he says the wrong thing,
they'll know he's not an Equesticle!

We have to go find him!

Tina, I love you, but please
don't make me go back there.

It smells bad.
We have to go!

Oh, man, this is powerful stuff.

Whew! This is great!

Almost as great as when the
Equestranauts had a dance party

and met that girl from Earth
with dark hair and glasses

that had three boyfriends.

What?
Nothing.

Uh, I feel good!

Where are we going?

Gentlemen, the after-party.

This looks scary.

I mean, fun.
I like it.

Sunpuddle, no, no, no, no.

That's Bob's seat.
Are you named Bob?

Oh. I was just...

Bob, come.

Sorry, Sunpuddle.

Oh, he's always doing that to me.

All these... Equesticles.

We both know they're weak, pathetic.

I-I don't think that.
Yes, you do.

I do sometimes, yeah.

We're tougher than them.

We don't fear death.
What?

That's why we're best friends, Bob.

We're best friends?

Are you asking?
Because I accept.

And I'm going to let you in on a
little mind-blowing Equestra-miracle

I've discovered.

You were inquiring
about the camel-toed Chariot?

Yes, uh, yeah, yeah.

Follow me.

Ugh! Where's Dad?

He could blow his cover any second!

We got to find that Bronconius guy!

But how?!

Who wants a ride
to Bronconius's party?

Oh. Good.

Mom? Mom?

We're following him.

But I want to dance.

Go, girl!

Mom!
Ooh, ah. Fine.

You kids never take me dancing!

I want to show you
something extraordinary.

Oh, my God, this is it.

What?
Uh, nothing.

Just that, um, that's
a great-looking safe.

Oh. Uh, thanks?

It's the hotel's, but,
Bob, feast your eyes upon...

the rarest Equestranauts
ever produced.

The Scottie Pippen
Special Edition Headhorn.

Estonian Version Peggy-Sis,
Peggy-Stroika.

This thing brought down the wall.

A gold-plated Minnie
previously owned by Jon Hamm.

And my greatest treasure
of them all...

the ultra-rare camel-toe Chariot.

Yes! Yes!

Oh, God, that's a great
collection you have there.

Uh, can I take a look
at the Chariot one?

Oh, this is more than just
a mere collection, Bob.

You see, the Equestranauts
are eternally young.

They have a power.
And the rare ones...

more power still.

But I can harness that power
and take youth from them.

Do you know how old I am, Bob?

I'm 49, but I look...
39?

20.
Or 20.

Yes.
Yeah, or younger.

Bob, my best buddy, you could join me.

We could live forever.

All you have to do
is merge mouths like this.

Oh. Oh, God.

Oh, I'm getting younger.

I can feel it.
Can you tell, Bob?

Uh, yup, mm-hmm, yup.

Look around the side
of the eyes. You see it?

Yeah, yeah, uh, looking... good.

Do you still recognize me?

Do you? Immortality!

Equestranauts never die.

Uh, you know, except for Zombie Horse.

I beg your pardon?
Zombie Horse, the fifth Equestranaut.

He died, and then became a zombie.

Zombie... Horse.

Why am I telling you?
You've seen every episode.

Indeed, I have seen every episode.

Anyhoo, uh, let me plant my
lips on that Chariot, uh...

Why don't we get back to the party?

But I-I, you know, I want to...
I really want to kiss the doll. Later.

So, you're a real Equesticle,
aren't you, Bob?

Yeah, of course.
W-Why wouldn't I be?

Well, then, Bob,
you'll have no problem

getting the official
unofficial Equesticle "tuh-too."

Uh, I... no. No. I...

Not-not a problem to get a tattoo.

Maybe not, but maybe...

I would... think...
I would think about it.

Remove your shirt.
Oh, boy.

Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

Oh, no!
What are they doing to my Bobby?

I think he was getting a back massage

with a needle and men
holding him down.

A tattoo!

They're tramp-stamping our tramp!

How's my best buddy doing?

Um, very excited, but I'd sure love

to check out those dolls
again real quick, and, um,

I think I have to pee.
Should I pee now...?

Right after this.

Um... guys, maybe just
a little tattoo?

How about just a little one?

Oh, uh-huh. Mmm.
Like, really little, like, tiny?

Little tiny little one?
Yeah, that'd be great.

Mm-hmm. Sure, Bob. Sure.

Do this that size.

Bronconius, I-I don't
think we should...

Quiet!
Okay, sounds good.

Of course, Bob, if you've
never had a tuh-too before,

sometimes a really small
tuh-too feels like

you're getting a big giant tuh-too,

but that's just an
illusion of the senses.

Oh, God, I wish
you would call it "tattoo."

What am I saying?
"Tuh-too." It's fine.

Let's just get this over with.

Let me in! It's Tina!

The girl whose pony Bronconius stole!

Don't tattoo my dad!

Counterpoint...
do tattoo him!

Make it say "I love Linda."

Or give him some more nipples!

You can never have enough! Ask a cat.

I knew it!

You never were a real
Equesticle, and you lied to me.

My best friend!

Oh, please!
It would go Sunpuddle,

then Horseplay,
then Pony Danza before you.

Oh, Bob, we could have had everything.

We could have had the
whole world to ourselves.

And you threw it all
away, and for what?

Your daughter?!

Um... yes.
You're crazy.

Tuh-too him!

Stop! Oh, the door was unlocked.

Yeah, it's so we don't have to get
up every time someone else arrives.

You, be gone!
I'm done with you.

But I'm not done.
Look at what you've all become.

You've betrayed the meaning
of the Equestranauts.

And I don't mean the sexually-charged,
awkward, confusing vibe

at this party.

I like sexually-charged,
awkward, confusing things, too.

Like, for instance...
Tina.

Sorry. But being an Equesticle means
no judgment, right, Horseplay?

I mean, you accepted me,
and I don't even have testicles.

Bronconius hijacked this thing
you all love and tainted it.

He's the real Xandar.

I know who that is.
He's the bad guy.

Hush! Get her out of here!
Like, now!

The Eqranauts would never
turn against a fellow pony.

The Equestranauts have
a bond of friendship greater

than any force in the universe,
and you know that!

She's right.

Here, get up.

What?!
I'll tuh-too him myself!

Mm-mm!
Mm-mm!

You were never nice to us!

You never even took the time
to get to know us,

and we're all really terrific!

Oh, phew.
Put a shirt on!

Wait!

Dad did get a tattoo!
I did?

What-what does it look like?

Is it... is it cool?

It's... not cool.

No, it's cool...
sort of.

Someday you will all die,

and I will still have
the body of a 20-year-old!

All right, great,
let's open that safe.

Ha! You'll never get into that safe!

The combination is based on
an Equestranauts reference

so obscure that only the smartest,

most knowledgeable Equesticle in
the world could figure it out!

That Equesticle is me.

Front desk?

There you go.

Oh, well, that was actually easy.

Thank you.
Chariot, I missed you.

So, good party?
So fun.

Okay, well, bye, everyone.

Sunpuddle, I'll call you.

You better.

Hey Tina, you must be
enjoying having Chariot ba...

Hey. What's going on?

I'm packing up Chariot.

What? Why?
Oh, I'm just getting

a little old to play
with dolls, you know?

But thanks for getting her back.

Hurray.

Tina...
What?

Play with the doll.

But I'm too old to...

Tina, play with the doll!

Play with the doll, Tina!

Come on, do what Daddy says.

Mmm...
Play with it!

Okay! I'll...
Neigh!

Make it jump!
Uh, well, the...

she doesn't actually jump.
I know it doesn't jump!

You know how I know that?

'Cause...
'Cause I read 1,200 pages

of Equestranaut crap!
Mmm...

- Keep playing with it!
- Okay.

Good night.
Good night.