Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 3, Episode 9 - Bob Rest Ye Merry Gentle-Mannequins - full transcript
'Tis the season for strange holiday mannequins.
♪ Fa-la, la-la,
fa-la, la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la-la-la
♪ I saw three kids
come sailing through ♪
♪ On seven days before Christmas
in the morning. ♪
Why are you putting up
ninja throwing stars?
I think they're doilies.
They're snowflakes!
They're Christmas-y.
Ninja snowflakes!
Hi-yah! Ha! Yah!
Ow. Ow. Gene.
Speaking of Christmas, here's
my annual list of demands.
"My own apartment."
And it cannot be a studio.
You have exactly
seven shopping days to comply.
If it rolls into day eight,
there will be tears and violence.
I want a dry erase board.
So I can write down
all my private thoughts
and then erase them immediately.
I want the actual Olympic
bobsled used in Cool Runnings.
We can't afford
any of those things, kids.
Not even a dry erase board?
No, Tina!
Sorry. Been a tough year,
ever since the City Guide
listed us as a gas station.
Hey, a bunch of presents don't matter.
Christmas isn't all about getting stuff.
Yes, it is!
Take it back!
Take it back!
Merry Christmas, Mike!
Ho, ho, ho!
Merry Christmas to you.
Hi, Mike.
Hi, Bob.
Here's your mail.
Thanks.
Ahem.
What?
Ahem!
Oh. Right.
Of course.
You know, I never know
how much to tip the mailman.
No, you don't.
Um, you know what, here.
Uh, I am going to write
a number on this piece of paper.
There you go.
Oh, yeah, that's about right...
if I delivered mail one day a week.
Fine.
Here's more than that.
Oh, thanks, Bob.
Hey, I got something
special for you, too.
Special delivery.
Were you not gonna give me this
if I didn't tip you?
No, I-I would have.
Just not today.
Maybe it's from Santa.
It's from the law firm of
Bankoff, Bostwick & Biel.
Santa's suing us!
Hey, it says I've been named an heir
in the enclosed will
of Ernest G. Lombard.
Aw! Uncle Ernie's dead?
But it's Christmas.
Huh, I haven't talked
to Uncle Ernie in years.
"Talking to Uncle Ernie" would
be great code for going a poop.
James, he just died.
It's a fitting tribute.
Excuse me, who is *** this guy?
He was my mother's brother.
He owned Lombard's Department Store
before the mall came
and put it out of business.
How much did Uncle Ernie leave you?
Well, let's see what
it say... Hey! Hey!
A-ba-ba-ba!
Don't look!
Let's have a reading of the will.
I'll make punch.
You always want to make punch.
Ever heard of eggnog?
I have all those sample punch packets.
Ah, look, I got...
just got another one.
I'm so excited! I have to go
talk to Uncle Ernie!
Okay, everyone has their punch,
so it's time to inherit the wind!
Oh, mmm. Ooh,
it's good.
No, it's not.
Let's make a pact
that we won't let the money change us.
Uncle Ernie's worst Christmas
is going to be our best Christmas!
Okay, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Jamaican bobsled!
Apartment!
Dry erase board.
Uh, like that.
Let's just say this Christmas
might not be terrible.
Ahem!
You have been bequeathed...
Drumroll!
...storage unit 39 at
the Quincy Avenue Just-Stow-It.
Oh.
Ugh.
I still have a good feeling about this.
There could be an old car in there.
Or a whole bunch
of fur coats. Ooh.
I'm gonna throw paint on them!
Remember, if it's something really good,
we'll have to pay taxes on it.
Huh?
Oh, hey.
We won a caveman!
Who are you?
My name's Chet.
Uh, short for Chester, long for Ch.
That's my little joke.
Did you, did you enjoy the joke?
Yes.
Eh.
I'm Tina. Shoes on or off?
On, please. Can I get
you something to drink?
Cough syrup?
Rainwater?
Not that.
That's urine.
Why are you living
in my uncle's storage unit?
Mr. Lombard is your uncle?
Yeah, he left me this unit in his will.
Oh. Mr. Lombard's dead?
Yeah.
You want to come in for a hug?
Um, no.
Why? 'Cause
we just met?
Yeah, I guess.
That's better.
May I join you two?
No.
So, how'd you know Uncle Ernie?
I did window displays at
his store for 20 years.
When the store closed,
he let me stay in here.
Don't you have a family
or friends to stay with?
You know, with Christmas coming
and all that.
Wait, it's Christmas?
My calendar says it's,
uh, da-da-da... August.
Bobby, tell him
he can stay in our basement.
;
What? Why?
Because, 'tis the season!
Of what? Taking strange
men into our basement?
Of being nice, Bobby.
He's fine right here.
He's got a TV and a jar.
You guys are loud whisperers.
Sorry.
So, you're taking over the lease?
It's 150 a month.
Oh.
Thanks again for letting me stay here.
Yeah, Bobby, you old softie.
You're like a mushy snowman.
A lot of space!
I can't wait until the
carpeting comes in.
Is your heart set on this wall color?
'Cause I have some ideas.
But just to be clear, Chet,
you're only here
till right after Christmas.
This Christmas?
Um, yeah.
The one that's coming up in a week.
This is the nicest thing
anybody's ever done for me.
Including when Sal over there
gave me this track suit.
If you want to give Sal something,
he needs a penis.
Fire!
What?!
Just kidding. Come look.
What?
Come on.
What? What happened?
Ah!
Chet's gone.
His pee jar is cold.
I got to say, I'm relieved.
There was something off about that guy.
And he smelled...
Oh, oh! It's Chet!
Oh. Hey, Chet.
There's my guy.
What do you think of the display?
Is it holi-doing
it for you?
You did all this?
Oh, it's amazing!
You gave me a place to stay, I give you:
Class under Glass, by Chet.
So you don't just design the
displays, you're also in them?
Of course. Why
wouldn't I be?
Well, it's a nice display.
Um, thanks for doing it.
How long did it take...?
Chet? Chet?
He's being weird again.
It's been two hours
and he still hasn't moved.
Come on!
I'm tired of pantsing him.
It's like pantsing a stone.
Or Grandpa.
I love your display.
The hats are fabulous.
How much are they?
Uh, we don't sell hats.
We sell burgers.
We still need to find a hat
and something for the mailman.
Please tell me
you sell gift certificates.
I, uh, I have a napkin
and a pen, so I can write one.
You know, Chet may be a strange guy,
but his display really
upped our foot traffic.
Okay, Chet. We're closed.
You can move now.
Whew! Ah!
I am full of lactic acid
and ideas for tomorrow's window!
Ah! You're gonna do
a different one tomorrow?
Tomorrow and then the next day
and then the next day
and then the next day
and then the next day
and then it's Christmas, so I'll stop.
Can we help?
I want to be a Gene-equin!
I'll be a Tina-quin.
Let me print up
some real gift certificates.
And maybe, uh, cover the window
with a big curtain,
and unveil the new display
right before we open.
That's very theatrical.
Are you gay?
We wish.
Okay.
Anything jumping out at you
for tomorrow's display?
I found a train!
The most civilized form of toy travel.
This would look good
in my new apartment.
It was a joke at first, but now
I'm starting to expect it.
This is fun, teaming up, you know?
I used to do windows
with my wife, Nadine.
Oh, you're married?
We're separated.
It's okay. What's past is past.
Let's just, uh, focus on
tomorrow's window.
Moving on!
Yeah, your new family doesn't want
to hear about your old family.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
♪ When I was small,
I believed in Santa Claus ♪
♪ Though I knew it was my dad
♪ And I would hang up
my stalking at Christmas ♪
♪ Open my presents and I'd be glad ♪
♪ Father Christmas,
give us some money... ♪
One local man has gone from
homeless to "homeful"
here in the window of Bob's Burgers,
where you could say he's been making
quite a living display of himself.
Hey, look, I can see me!
Look, I'm waving!
Wow, this is great for us.
We're on the news.
The restaurant...
Gene, stop licking yourself.
You're on TV.
Where I belong!
So, Bob, what's it gonna be
for the big Christmas Eve finale?
I don't know what
the last display's gonna be.
Chet's the idea guy.
Let's hear your idea, Chet.
No, no, no! Don't tell me!
Don't ruin it.
No, you got to tell me, you...
I can't handle it.
No, no, no, no, no!
Don't tell me. Don't tell me.
Guy's fun to talk to.
Whatever it is, it better be good.
Mort's mom is coming to see it.
She's got cataracts, so make it big.
It's not here yet, but
I want to go on record and say
this is the best
Christmas ever! Whoa!
I know. We might actually
be able to afford
to buy the kids something nice.
And maybe I can sneak out
later while you cover for me.
Yeah, I'll tell the kids
you're dropping off
a present for your mistress.
As if.
Why are you wrapping the TV remote?
It's my Christmas present to Dad.
He loves this thing.
Great idea.
I'll wrap Mom's glasses.
Hey, what you looking at, Chet?
I'm just zoning out.
This was Nadine's
favorite Christmas song.
Oh, who's Nadine?
♪ Silent night
Oh.
♪ Holy night...
Who's Nadine?
She's Chet's ex-wife.
He's missing her pretty bad.
How could you not miss her?
Oh, she's gorgeous!
Wait, is she...?
Whoo.
She looks nice.
Yeah, perfect posture.
And wooden boobs.
Chet, this is a mannequin.
Back when Nadine and I got
married, I was a mannequin, too.
Oh, now I understand.
You think you were a mannequin?
Oh, it's okay. You don't need
to be scared of me.
I'm not one of those murder mannequins
or satanic mannequins.
I'm just a store mannequin
that came to life.
So happy you're staying with us
in our basement.
♪ Sleep in
heavenly... ♪
Okay, everybody out.
Chet's crazy, Lin.
Do you think he'll kill us
before or after Christmas?
I don't think he will.
He said he's not a murder mannequin.
You two really have to work on
your whispering.
So, if you're a mannequin,
you won't feel this!
That hurt!
I didn't say I am a mannequin.
I said I was a mannequin.
I get it.
One day, all of a sudden,
you're anatomically correct.
I just went through that.
Well, I'm pretty sure mannequins
don't turn into people,
except in that one movie.
This was no movie.
This was retail.
The new summer sportswear
had just come in,
and so had Nadine.
She didn't have nipples, and, brother,
she didn't need them.
As summer turned to fall casuals,
our relationship became anything but.
Casual?
Yes, casual.
That winter, I took Nadine skiing.
There was a terrible accident.
Nadine shattered her right hand.
Oh, God.
When she came back to the store
with two left hands, I knew
I had to make a decision.
Which hand to replace with a hook?
No.Which one
to put the ring on.
Boo.
Oh, God, Lin, are you crying?
You know I love weddings.
We were going to be
together forever. Then came...
- the mall.
- Damn that mall!
Lombard's had an
everything-must-go sale,
and my everything went.
I never saw her again.
Wait, why didn't she need nipples?
I was so heartbroken.
The pain must have turned me human,
so I could feel pain.
This is the greatest
love story ever told.
Look, Chet, there's no way
any of that could be true.
Well then, if I wasn't a mannequin,
how come I don't know
how to use a computer?
Explain that, Bob.
Yeah, Dad, explain that.
Don't give up, Chet.
Maybe Nadine's still out there.
You could find her.
Hmm.
Well, with a face like that,
I assume she's modeling
in Paris or Milan.
We could help, even if it means
going to Paris or Milan.
Right.
I bet she's in Kosovo.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No one's helping Chet
look for a mannequin
who may or may not exist.
She existed!
Fine, she existed.
And you were in love with her.
But you were never a mannequin, Chet.
Just move on.
Nadine is probably in a dump somewhere.
Oh, God!
Kids, bed... now.
I want to talk to your father.
No, kids, stay.
Please stay.
Go. Go!
Stay. Stay!
You go!
Gene, stay!
Now!
Tina, don't move!
You go!
Louise, stay!
Get out of here!
Don't leave me!
You get out of here!
How could you say that
in front of that poor Chet?
Poor Chet?
Poor us, stuck with poor Chet.
Bobby, you made him cry.
He's unstable, Lin.
I'm sure lots of things make him cry.
Oh, I'm so mad I could stomp,
Do it, Mom!
Do the stompy dance!
She's doing it!
Don't bother bringing
the mistletoe to bed!
But do bring me a snack.
Chocolate!
Mom, Dad, get up.
What?
What happened?
You have to see Chet's window.
Oh!
Oh, my God.
What the hell is it?
- He's gone murder-mannequin.
- No.
It's the display window of my soul, Bob.
This is a warning.
Don't love or believe
or hope in anything.
Message received.
I like this area.
Dig deeper.
People are coming to see this.
Our window was on TV
and in the newspaper's
Christmas Countdown.
You have to change it.
Make it happy.
My happy is gone!
It's in the dump somewhere.
I hope your face can catch, Bob,
because I'm throwing
your words back in it.
Nice job, Bobby.
Way to go.
We have to find Nadine.
Don't worry.
Gene-equin knows
how a mannequin thinks.
Ah, a traditional
Christmas mannequin hunt.
Show us the window!
Yeah!
Show us the window!
Now!
We found Nadine!
We found her!
Oh, it's a Christmas miracle.
I told you kids not to go
looking for her... I mean, it.
You also told me to not surprise you
when you're peeing,
but you know you love it.
Stick 'em up!
Aah!
Aw, Chet's going to be reunited
with his
long-lost love.
Can't get that at a store.
Where'd you find her?
At a store.
Oh.
I'm gonna break it!
I'm gonna break it!
Oh, crap.
What are we going to do?
You're going to go get Nadine.
That's what you're going to do,
Old St. Dick.
Then Chet will have his lady love,
and maybe he'll help you
give those people their display.
Hmm, that could work.
Go! Use the back door.
I'll stall the
crowd. Go, go.
- Show us the window!
- Yeah!
Show us the window!
Now!
Show us the win...
"A Christmas Poem" by Linda Belcher.
Christmas, Christmas.
Christmas, oh, Christmas.
You Christmas you.
Christmas, Christmas.
C-H-I...
No, C-H...
R-I-S-T-M-A-S.
Are you sure it's Nadine?
Look at her hands, Dad.
♪ Bum bum bum.
Two lefties.
All right, you guys stay out here.
She's mine. I found
her at the dump.
Finders keepers.
Okay, fine.
But, um, could I...
could I borrow her
just till the end of the day?
Are you kidding me?
She pulls them in.
And there's only one
sex shopping day till Christmas.
It's my biggest day.
There's nobody here.
Oh, no, no, no, there's other people.
They're in the back part.
These finger puppets have no arms.
Looks like we're going
to need a diversion.
Release the personal massagers.
Snakes on a plane!
Hey, no kids in here.
Get Nadine.
Come on, Dad!
Let's go!
Hey.
Squirt the lube!
Hey, you...
Ow! Ooh. Ow.
Uh, I'll have her home by midnight!
12:30 at the latest!
Stop, you sickos!
What?
No, not you guys.
♪ Bells, bells, bells, bells
♪ Bells, bells, bells, bells,
la, la, la, bells ♪
♪ La, la, la, bells,
la, la, la, bells, la... ♪
Mom, mom.
Wh-What? Wh-Wh-What?
All right!
Chet, we found Nadine.
And we only dropped her twice.
You-you... you found her?
Yes, she's right here.
Oh, my God, that's...
Wait a minute.
I don't... I'm not sure
I want her to see me like this.
This track suit is 12
seasons old, I've got a gut...
Oh, don't worry.
Nadine's changed, too.
Yeah, come out, Chet, please.
It-it...
she really misses you.
I don't know. What
about all the stuff
you said about how
I was never a mannequin?
Bob...
Look, um, I'm sorry I said that.
I... I do think
you need help.
But before you get help, we need help.
So you still don't believe me.
Um, no, but all that matters
is you're a man now,
in love with the mannequin
who I'm holding by the arm
but should be in yours.
Wow. I got to say
that really hit me.
Okay, so open the door.
Tough times, huh, Baby?
Well, I don't care what you had to do.
I missed you.
I've changed?
Well...
Yeah, I like your hair
that way. It's...
Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh, yeah.
Well, I was...
Uh-huh. Right.
Chet's a really good listener.
That's important to a woman.
Lin, she's a mannequin.
Who won't shut up, apparently.
Hey, uh, guys, sorry to interrupt.
Did, uh... did
Nadine say anything
about getting that window display going?
'Cause we... we really need
to finish strong here.
What do you think, Nadine?
Yes.
What? What is...
what is she saying?
She's cracking one of her spoofs.
What's a spoof?
Just one of her goof-abouts.
You mean like a joke or...?
Nadine, you still got it.
Yeah, she wants to do it.
That's great.
What was the joke?
Trust me, you won't get it.
And remember, look alive
but absolutely still.
And... no action!
Uh, thanks for waiting, everyone.
I now give you...
Christmas!
It was worth it.
Mort, I want to take a picture.
Fix the wig.
No, your mom's.
Okay, who needs a gift certificate?
Thief!
You stole my girl.
I want her back!
Oh, no.
Hand her over.
Sorry. She's
with me now.
We'll see about that.
Okay, easy.
Easy, guys.
Yeah, peace on Earth, smut peddler!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Aah!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, manger danger!
Aah!
Come on, stop.
That's a fresh take.
This crèche is crap!
You're lucky I don't
call the cops on you pervs.
Can't we just buy her from you, please?
She's not for sale.
Every sex shop owner has his price.
Five grand.
What? No.
What about...
two hundred and sixty-one,
two, three dollars?
No, Louise, that's the money
we were going to use
to buy you kids presents.
Okay, that is not enough
for an apartment.
You can spend my gift money on Nadine.
Oh, your dry erase board.
You can use my money, too.
Oh, your Jamaican bobsled.
Fine. I'm in.
But I better get a heck
of a Presidents Day gift.
Seriously?
You're all willing
to give up your
Christmas presents for Chet?
Aw.
What the hell?
Give me the money.
Well, here you go, Chet.
Thanks, Bob.
Sorry we busted up your display.
Mm-hmm.
After everything you did for me.
Roof over my head,
Nadine back in my arms.
All right, you know what?
You don't need to be out by tomorrow.
Really, Bobby?
You mean it?
Yeah, stay till New Year's.
Aw.
I'll make punch.
No!
Look at us, Bob, with
our special ladies, huh?
Yeah.
We've got it all, right?
We should take a trip,
the four of us, you know?
Ooh!
Probably not.
I'm flexible, wherever you want go.
I'm... it-it would be hard
for me to get away for a while.
Well, we'll let the ladies
figure it out.
Bermuda!
Does she have a passport?
I can't wait any more, Chet.
Kiss her.
Mmm.
Ugh.
No!
Oh, God.
Pick it up, Chet.
Five-second rule.
Oh, are you as hot as I am right now?
Whoa.
Are you hot?
I'm fine. Never mind.
I think they love it.
Oh, my God, it's happening.
The kiss is turning her human.
No, wait, it's turning him
back into a mannequin.
No, wait, nothing's happening.
They went too far.
I'm out of here.
Merry Christmas, Teddy.
Happy holidays, Mort.
Happy holidays.
Merry Christmas, guys.
Burn in hell, Belchers!
Uncle Ernie's storage unit
had some real treasures after all.
An exit sign.
Thanks, Santa.
Now I can go out any door I want.
I got a shoe sizer.
Eight and a half.
I got a tool to remove security tags.
Next Christmas is on me!
So, Chet...
what are you going to do
after we kick you out?
Oh, don't worry. We'll probably
stay at my place in Manhattan.
I have a loft that was being renovated,
and I cannot wait
to see how it turned out.
What?!
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
fa-la, la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la-la-la
♪ I saw three kids
come sailing through ♪
♪ On seven days before Christmas
in the morning. ♪
Why are you putting up
ninja throwing stars?
I think they're doilies.
They're snowflakes!
They're Christmas-y.
Ninja snowflakes!
Hi-yah! Ha! Yah!
Ow. Ow. Gene.
Speaking of Christmas, here's
my annual list of demands.
"My own apartment."
And it cannot be a studio.
You have exactly
seven shopping days to comply.
If it rolls into day eight,
there will be tears and violence.
I want a dry erase board.
So I can write down
all my private thoughts
and then erase them immediately.
I want the actual Olympic
bobsled used in Cool Runnings.
We can't afford
any of those things, kids.
Not even a dry erase board?
No, Tina!
Sorry. Been a tough year,
ever since the City Guide
listed us as a gas station.
Hey, a bunch of presents don't matter.
Christmas isn't all about getting stuff.
Yes, it is!
Take it back!
Take it back!
Merry Christmas, Mike!
Ho, ho, ho!
Merry Christmas to you.
Hi, Mike.
Hi, Bob.
Here's your mail.
Thanks.
Ahem.
What?
Ahem!
Oh. Right.
Of course.
You know, I never know
how much to tip the mailman.
No, you don't.
Um, you know what, here.
Uh, I am going to write
a number on this piece of paper.
There you go.
Oh, yeah, that's about right...
if I delivered mail one day a week.
Fine.
Here's more than that.
Oh, thanks, Bob.
Hey, I got something
special for you, too.
Special delivery.
Were you not gonna give me this
if I didn't tip you?
No, I-I would have.
Just not today.
Maybe it's from Santa.
It's from the law firm of
Bankoff, Bostwick & Biel.
Santa's suing us!
Hey, it says I've been named an heir
in the enclosed will
of Ernest G. Lombard.
Aw! Uncle Ernie's dead?
But it's Christmas.
Huh, I haven't talked
to Uncle Ernie in years.
"Talking to Uncle Ernie" would
be great code for going a poop.
James, he just died.
It's a fitting tribute.
Excuse me, who is *** this guy?
He was my mother's brother.
He owned Lombard's Department Store
before the mall came
and put it out of business.
How much did Uncle Ernie leave you?
Well, let's see what
it say... Hey! Hey!
A-ba-ba-ba!
Don't look!
Let's have a reading of the will.
I'll make punch.
You always want to make punch.
Ever heard of eggnog?
I have all those sample punch packets.
Ah, look, I got...
just got another one.
I'm so excited! I have to go
talk to Uncle Ernie!
Okay, everyone has their punch,
so it's time to inherit the wind!
Oh, mmm. Ooh,
it's good.
No, it's not.
Let's make a pact
that we won't let the money change us.
Uncle Ernie's worst Christmas
is going to be our best Christmas!
Okay, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Jamaican bobsled!
Apartment!
Dry erase board.
Uh, like that.
Let's just say this Christmas
might not be terrible.
Ahem!
You have been bequeathed...
Drumroll!
...storage unit 39 at
the Quincy Avenue Just-Stow-It.
Oh.
Ugh.
I still have a good feeling about this.
There could be an old car in there.
Or a whole bunch
of fur coats. Ooh.
I'm gonna throw paint on them!
Remember, if it's something really good,
we'll have to pay taxes on it.
Huh?
Oh, hey.
We won a caveman!
Who are you?
My name's Chet.
Uh, short for Chester, long for Ch.
That's my little joke.
Did you, did you enjoy the joke?
Yes.
Eh.
I'm Tina. Shoes on or off?
On, please. Can I get
you something to drink?
Cough syrup?
Rainwater?
Not that.
That's urine.
Why are you living
in my uncle's storage unit?
Mr. Lombard is your uncle?
Yeah, he left me this unit in his will.
Oh. Mr. Lombard's dead?
Yeah.
You want to come in for a hug?
Um, no.
Why? 'Cause
we just met?
Yeah, I guess.
That's better.
May I join you two?
No.
So, how'd you know Uncle Ernie?
I did window displays at
his store for 20 years.
When the store closed,
he let me stay in here.
Don't you have a family
or friends to stay with?
You know, with Christmas coming
and all that.
Wait, it's Christmas?
My calendar says it's,
uh, da-da-da... August.
Bobby, tell him
he can stay in our basement.
;
What? Why?
Because, 'tis the season!
Of what? Taking strange
men into our basement?
Of being nice, Bobby.
He's fine right here.
He's got a TV and a jar.
You guys are loud whisperers.
Sorry.
So, you're taking over the lease?
It's 150 a month.
Oh.
Thanks again for letting me stay here.
Yeah, Bobby, you old softie.
You're like a mushy snowman.
A lot of space!
I can't wait until the
carpeting comes in.
Is your heart set on this wall color?
'Cause I have some ideas.
But just to be clear, Chet,
you're only here
till right after Christmas.
This Christmas?
Um, yeah.
The one that's coming up in a week.
This is the nicest thing
anybody's ever done for me.
Including when Sal over there
gave me this track suit.
If you want to give Sal something,
he needs a penis.
Fire!
What?!
Just kidding. Come look.
What?
Come on.
What? What happened?
Ah!
Chet's gone.
His pee jar is cold.
I got to say, I'm relieved.
There was something off about that guy.
And he smelled...
Oh, oh! It's Chet!
Oh. Hey, Chet.
There's my guy.
What do you think of the display?
Is it holi-doing
it for you?
You did all this?
Oh, it's amazing!
You gave me a place to stay, I give you:
Class under Glass, by Chet.
So you don't just design the
displays, you're also in them?
Of course. Why
wouldn't I be?
Well, it's a nice display.
Um, thanks for doing it.
How long did it take...?
Chet? Chet?
He's being weird again.
It's been two hours
and he still hasn't moved.
Come on!
I'm tired of pantsing him.
It's like pantsing a stone.
Or Grandpa.
I love your display.
The hats are fabulous.
How much are they?
Uh, we don't sell hats.
We sell burgers.
We still need to find a hat
and something for the mailman.
Please tell me
you sell gift certificates.
I, uh, I have a napkin
and a pen, so I can write one.
You know, Chet may be a strange guy,
but his display really
upped our foot traffic.
Okay, Chet. We're closed.
You can move now.
Whew! Ah!
I am full of lactic acid
and ideas for tomorrow's window!
Ah! You're gonna do
a different one tomorrow?
Tomorrow and then the next day
and then the next day
and then the next day
and then the next day
and then it's Christmas, so I'll stop.
Can we help?
I want to be a Gene-equin!
I'll be a Tina-quin.
Let me print up
some real gift certificates.
And maybe, uh, cover the window
with a big curtain,
and unveil the new display
right before we open.
That's very theatrical.
Are you gay?
We wish.
Okay.
Anything jumping out at you
for tomorrow's display?
I found a train!
The most civilized form of toy travel.
This would look good
in my new apartment.
It was a joke at first, but now
I'm starting to expect it.
This is fun, teaming up, you know?
I used to do windows
with my wife, Nadine.
Oh, you're married?
We're separated.
It's okay. What's past is past.
Let's just, uh, focus on
tomorrow's window.
Moving on!
Yeah, your new family doesn't want
to hear about your old family.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
♪ When I was small,
I believed in Santa Claus ♪
♪ Though I knew it was my dad
♪ And I would hang up
my stalking at Christmas ♪
♪ Open my presents and I'd be glad ♪
♪ Father Christmas,
give us some money... ♪
One local man has gone from
homeless to "homeful"
here in the window of Bob's Burgers,
where you could say he's been making
quite a living display of himself.
Hey, look, I can see me!
Look, I'm waving!
Wow, this is great for us.
We're on the news.
The restaurant...
Gene, stop licking yourself.
You're on TV.
Where I belong!
So, Bob, what's it gonna be
for the big Christmas Eve finale?
I don't know what
the last display's gonna be.
Chet's the idea guy.
Let's hear your idea, Chet.
No, no, no! Don't tell me!
Don't ruin it.
No, you got to tell me, you...
I can't handle it.
No, no, no, no, no!
Don't tell me. Don't tell me.
Guy's fun to talk to.
Whatever it is, it better be good.
Mort's mom is coming to see it.
She's got cataracts, so make it big.
It's not here yet, but
I want to go on record and say
this is the best
Christmas ever! Whoa!
I know. We might actually
be able to afford
to buy the kids something nice.
And maybe I can sneak out
later while you cover for me.
Yeah, I'll tell the kids
you're dropping off
a present for your mistress.
As if.
Why are you wrapping the TV remote?
It's my Christmas present to Dad.
He loves this thing.
Great idea.
I'll wrap Mom's glasses.
Hey, what you looking at, Chet?
I'm just zoning out.
This was Nadine's
favorite Christmas song.
Oh, who's Nadine?
♪ Silent night
Oh.
♪ Holy night...
Who's Nadine?
She's Chet's ex-wife.
He's missing her pretty bad.
How could you not miss her?
Oh, she's gorgeous!
Wait, is she...?
Whoo.
She looks nice.
Yeah, perfect posture.
And wooden boobs.
Chet, this is a mannequin.
Back when Nadine and I got
married, I was a mannequin, too.
Oh, now I understand.
You think you were a mannequin?
Oh, it's okay. You don't need
to be scared of me.
I'm not one of those murder mannequins
or satanic mannequins.
I'm just a store mannequin
that came to life.
So happy you're staying with us
in our basement.
♪ Sleep in
heavenly... ♪
Okay, everybody out.
Chet's crazy, Lin.
Do you think he'll kill us
before or after Christmas?
I don't think he will.
He said he's not a murder mannequin.
You two really have to work on
your whispering.
So, if you're a mannequin,
you won't feel this!
That hurt!
I didn't say I am a mannequin.
I said I was a mannequin.
I get it.
One day, all of a sudden,
you're anatomically correct.
I just went through that.
Well, I'm pretty sure mannequins
don't turn into people,
except in that one movie.
This was no movie.
This was retail.
The new summer sportswear
had just come in,
and so had Nadine.
She didn't have nipples, and, brother,
she didn't need them.
As summer turned to fall casuals,
our relationship became anything but.
Casual?
Yes, casual.
That winter, I took Nadine skiing.
There was a terrible accident.
Nadine shattered her right hand.
Oh, God.
When she came back to the store
with two left hands, I knew
I had to make a decision.
Which hand to replace with a hook?
No.Which one
to put the ring on.
Boo.
Oh, God, Lin, are you crying?
You know I love weddings.
We were going to be
together forever. Then came...
- the mall.
- Damn that mall!
Lombard's had an
everything-must-go sale,
and my everything went.
I never saw her again.
Wait, why didn't she need nipples?
I was so heartbroken.
The pain must have turned me human,
so I could feel pain.
This is the greatest
love story ever told.
Look, Chet, there's no way
any of that could be true.
Well then, if I wasn't a mannequin,
how come I don't know
how to use a computer?
Explain that, Bob.
Yeah, Dad, explain that.
Don't give up, Chet.
Maybe Nadine's still out there.
You could find her.
Hmm.
Well, with a face like that,
I assume she's modeling
in Paris or Milan.
We could help, even if it means
going to Paris or Milan.
Right.
I bet she's in Kosovo.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No one's helping Chet
look for a mannequin
who may or may not exist.
She existed!
Fine, she existed.
And you were in love with her.
But you were never a mannequin, Chet.
Just move on.
Nadine is probably in a dump somewhere.
Oh, God!
Kids, bed... now.
I want to talk to your father.
No, kids, stay.
Please stay.
Go. Go!
Stay. Stay!
You go!
Gene, stay!
Now!
Tina, don't move!
You go!
Louise, stay!
Get out of here!
Don't leave me!
You get out of here!
How could you say that
in front of that poor Chet?
Poor Chet?
Poor us, stuck with poor Chet.
Bobby, you made him cry.
He's unstable, Lin.
I'm sure lots of things make him cry.
Oh, I'm so mad I could stomp,
Do it, Mom!
Do the stompy dance!
She's doing it!
Don't bother bringing
the mistletoe to bed!
But do bring me a snack.
Chocolate!
Mom, Dad, get up.
What?
What happened?
You have to see Chet's window.
Oh!
Oh, my God.
What the hell is it?
- He's gone murder-mannequin.
- No.
It's the display window of my soul, Bob.
This is a warning.
Don't love or believe
or hope in anything.
Message received.
I like this area.
Dig deeper.
People are coming to see this.
Our window was on TV
and in the newspaper's
Christmas Countdown.
You have to change it.
Make it happy.
My happy is gone!
It's in the dump somewhere.
I hope your face can catch, Bob,
because I'm throwing
your words back in it.
Nice job, Bobby.
Way to go.
We have to find Nadine.
Don't worry.
Gene-equin knows
how a mannequin thinks.
Ah, a traditional
Christmas mannequin hunt.
Show us the window!
Yeah!
Show us the window!
Now!
We found Nadine!
We found her!
Oh, it's a Christmas miracle.
I told you kids not to go
looking for her... I mean, it.
You also told me to not surprise you
when you're peeing,
but you know you love it.
Stick 'em up!
Aah!
Aw, Chet's going to be reunited
with his
long-lost love.
Can't get that at a store.
Where'd you find her?
At a store.
Oh.
I'm gonna break it!
I'm gonna break it!
Oh, crap.
What are we going to do?
You're going to go get Nadine.
That's what you're going to do,
Old St. Dick.
Then Chet will have his lady love,
and maybe he'll help you
give those people their display.
Hmm, that could work.
Go! Use the back door.
I'll stall the
crowd. Go, go.
- Show us the window!
- Yeah!
Show us the window!
Now!
Show us the win...
"A Christmas Poem" by Linda Belcher.
Christmas, Christmas.
Christmas, oh, Christmas.
You Christmas you.
Christmas, Christmas.
C-H-I...
No, C-H...
R-I-S-T-M-A-S.
Are you sure it's Nadine?
Look at her hands, Dad.
♪ Bum bum bum.
Two lefties.
All right, you guys stay out here.
She's mine. I found
her at the dump.
Finders keepers.
Okay, fine.
But, um, could I...
could I borrow her
just till the end of the day?
Are you kidding me?
She pulls them in.
And there's only one
sex shopping day till Christmas.
It's my biggest day.
There's nobody here.
Oh, no, no, no, there's other people.
They're in the back part.
These finger puppets have no arms.
Looks like we're going
to need a diversion.
Release the personal massagers.
Snakes on a plane!
Hey, no kids in here.
Get Nadine.
Come on, Dad!
Let's go!
Hey.
Squirt the lube!
Hey, you...
Ow! Ooh. Ow.
Uh, I'll have her home by midnight!
12:30 at the latest!
Stop, you sickos!
What?
No, not you guys.
♪ Bells, bells, bells, bells
♪ Bells, bells, bells, bells,
la, la, la, bells ♪
♪ La, la, la, bells,
la, la, la, bells, la... ♪
Mom, mom.
Wh-What? Wh-Wh-What?
All right!
Chet, we found Nadine.
And we only dropped her twice.
You-you... you found her?
Yes, she's right here.
Oh, my God, that's...
Wait a minute.
I don't... I'm not sure
I want her to see me like this.
This track suit is 12
seasons old, I've got a gut...
Oh, don't worry.
Nadine's changed, too.
Yeah, come out, Chet, please.
It-it...
she really misses you.
I don't know. What
about all the stuff
you said about how
I was never a mannequin?
Bob...
Look, um, I'm sorry I said that.
I... I do think
you need help.
But before you get help, we need help.
So you still don't believe me.
Um, no, but all that matters
is you're a man now,
in love with the mannequin
who I'm holding by the arm
but should be in yours.
Wow. I got to say
that really hit me.
Okay, so open the door.
Tough times, huh, Baby?
Well, I don't care what you had to do.
I missed you.
I've changed?
Well...
Yeah, I like your hair
that way. It's...
Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh, yeah.
Well, I was...
Uh-huh. Right.
Chet's a really good listener.
That's important to a woman.
Lin, she's a mannequin.
Who won't shut up, apparently.
Hey, uh, guys, sorry to interrupt.
Did, uh... did
Nadine say anything
about getting that window display going?
'Cause we... we really need
to finish strong here.
What do you think, Nadine?
Yes.
What? What is...
what is she saying?
She's cracking one of her spoofs.
What's a spoof?
Just one of her goof-abouts.
You mean like a joke or...?
Nadine, you still got it.
Yeah, she wants to do it.
That's great.
What was the joke?
Trust me, you won't get it.
And remember, look alive
but absolutely still.
And... no action!
Uh, thanks for waiting, everyone.
I now give you...
Christmas!
It was worth it.
Mort, I want to take a picture.
Fix the wig.
No, your mom's.
Okay, who needs a gift certificate?
Thief!
You stole my girl.
I want her back!
Oh, no.
Hand her over.
Sorry. She's
with me now.
We'll see about that.
Okay, easy.
Easy, guys.
Yeah, peace on Earth, smut peddler!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Aah!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, manger danger!
Aah!
Come on, stop.
That's a fresh take.
This crèche is crap!
You're lucky I don't
call the cops on you pervs.
Can't we just buy her from you, please?
She's not for sale.
Every sex shop owner has his price.
Five grand.
What? No.
What about...
two hundred and sixty-one,
two, three dollars?
No, Louise, that's the money
we were going to use
to buy you kids presents.
Okay, that is not enough
for an apartment.
You can spend my gift money on Nadine.
Oh, your dry erase board.
You can use my money, too.
Oh, your Jamaican bobsled.
Fine. I'm in.
But I better get a heck
of a Presidents Day gift.
Seriously?
You're all willing
to give up your
Christmas presents for Chet?
Aw.
What the hell?
Give me the money.
Well, here you go, Chet.
Thanks, Bob.
Sorry we busted up your display.
Mm-hmm.
After everything you did for me.
Roof over my head,
Nadine back in my arms.
All right, you know what?
You don't need to be out by tomorrow.
Really, Bobby?
You mean it?
Yeah, stay till New Year's.
Aw.
I'll make punch.
No!
Look at us, Bob, with
our special ladies, huh?
Yeah.
We've got it all, right?
We should take a trip,
the four of us, you know?
Ooh!
Probably not.
I'm flexible, wherever you want go.
I'm... it-it would be hard
for me to get away for a while.
Well, we'll let the ladies
figure it out.
Bermuda!
Does she have a passport?
I can't wait any more, Chet.
Kiss her.
Mmm.
Ugh.
No!
Oh, God.
Pick it up, Chet.
Five-second rule.
Oh, are you as hot as I am right now?
Whoa.
Are you hot?
I'm fine. Never mind.
I think they love it.
Oh, my God, it's happening.
The kiss is turning her human.
No, wait, it's turning him
back into a mannequin.
No, wait, nothing's happening.
They went too far.
I'm out of here.
Merry Christmas, Teddy.
Happy holidays, Mort.
Happy holidays.
Merry Christmas, guys.
Burn in hell, Belchers!
Uncle Ernie's storage unit
had some real treasures after all.
An exit sign.
Thanks, Santa.
Now I can go out any door I want.
I got a shoe sizer.
Eight and a half.
I got a tool to remove security tags.
Next Christmas is on me!
So, Chet...
what are you going to do
after we kick you out?
Oh, don't worry. We'll probably
stay at my place in Manhattan.
I have a loft that was being renovated,
and I cannot wait
to see how it turned out.
What?!
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.