Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - Tina-rannosaurus Wrecks - full transcript

Wow, still can't believe this sale.

Six thousand low-fold
dispenser napkins for $58?

What are they thinking?

I don't know.

Yeah, and they're
two-ply.

This is...
this is a great day.

A really great day.

Wow, look how big and empty
the parking lot is,

huh?
(low whistle)

What do you say you
get behind the wheel?

What would I do behind the wheel?



Drive.

Is that legal?

Well, no, but my father let me drive

when I was about your age.

Call it a perk for running
errands with your dad.

Let's make this kitty purr.

Mm, go ahead.
Try a turn.

(Tina groans)

Tina, why are you groaning?
You're doing fine.

(groaning louder)

Rela... Tina, relax. Easy, easy.

(continuous groaning)

(chuckling):
Okay, okay.

Tina, you're kind of headed toward



the only other car in the lot.

You have plenty of time to turn, Tina,

so just go ahead.

Turn one way or the other...

You're just swerving back and forth.

Turn one way and stick with it, Tina.

(continuous groaning)

Tina, for the love of God,
turn away or stop!

The brakes, Tina!
On the left!

You're about to hit that car!

The brakes!
Hit the brakes!

Oh, my God, it's bad.

I ruined the car!

You did.
You really did.

Okay, uh...
Well, that's... Ugh.

At least there doesn't seem to be

any damage to the other car.

No, I see a dent!
There's a dent!

That-That's a ding. Not even.
It's like a little scratch.

N-No, it's a dent!

All right, we'll leave a note.

You know, then again, for all we know,

that probably was there, right?

We have to leave a note!
We have to leave a note!

Okay, okay! You're-
You're so honest.

Who raised you?

I don't know.

Da... It was me. I did.

(bell dings) What's with the cab?

Yeah, where's the car?

Um, the car is in the shop.

There was a little accident and...

What?!

Wait, Lin, Lin.
What?

What happened?
Calm down. We hit a parked car.

Are you okay?
What happened?

My baby, wa...
Look at me.

Look at me. Oh, God.
We're fine. Tina is fine.

Oh, my baby.
Oh, my baby.

Wait, how'd you manage
to hit a parked car?

Are you drunk?
No.

You smell like wine.

(chuckles)
We-we were coming out

of the restaurant supply store and...

(phone rings) Hold on.

Bob's Burgers.

Oh, hi, Jimmy.

Yeah, he's right here.

It's Jimmy Pesto.

Ugh, what does he want?

Hello, Jimmy.

Hello, Bob, want to hear
a knock-knock joke?

No.
Knock-knock.

I'm really not in the mood.

Knock-knock!
Ugh, who's there?

You hit my car, dumbass.

Eh, classic knock-knock.

You've got to be kidding me.
That was your car?

Did you or did you not
hear my knock-knock joke?

O-Okay, look,
what happened was...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

tell it to your insurance company.

Oh, come on, Jimmy.
I don't want my rates to go up.

I'll just pay
whatever the damage is and...

No way. Not on
your salary.

I don't have time for you to work out

an eight-cents-a-month
payment plan.

Ha. He's poor.

(groans) Fine.

We'll go through
my insurance. Good-bye!

You drive like a fart!
Fart.

So what happened?

So anyway, I was driving,
and I ran into what turned out

to be Jimmy Pesto's car
in the parking lot.

But, Dad, I was...
Come on, Tina.

Help me carry the napkins
down to the basement.

Okay.
Help you carry napkins?

Yeah, Dad, be sure to lift
with your legs.

BOB:
Ha-ha.

Use the hand truck.

You shouldn't be carrying
anything at your age.

Yeah, you're pregnant.
You sit down, Dad.

Hey, while your car is in the shop,

I can drive you guys around.

Oh, thank you, Mort,

but we don't need to go anywhere.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
we'd get to ride in the hearse?

There's lots of places we need to go.

What? Where?

Nightclubs, day clubs, smoky cafes...

Chinatown, Thai Town...
Library.

Great, I'm heading out now
if you want to come with.

I call shotgun.

I call coffin.

No fair, I want coffin!

Good, it was a trick!

I'm too scared to ride coffin.

So we just have to say
I was driving, okay?

That's lying.
That's not right.

That's true, Tina.

Lying is wrong,
and you should never do it.

Unless an idiot named Jimmy Pesto

makes you go through
insurance, which he is.

So we have to lie this one time.

What's next? Perjury?
Human trafficking?

Look, our insurance will go up
a little, but we'll be fine.

We just can't tell anyone about it.

Even Mom?
Ugh, especially Mom.

She can't lie.

But I can't lie, either.

You know what, it's
not even really a lie.

It's a secret.

It's our shared secret.

Huh, maybe if I had a backstory?

A backstory?

Do I have a boyfriend in this scenario?

Uh, we should probably just
stick to the necessary facts.

Oh, okay.

Fine, all right,

you have a secret boyfriend
in this scenario.

One that you can't ever talk about.

What's his name?

Um, Sebastian.

He plays lacrosse, and he loves me.

Mm-hmm.
But he loves lacrosse more.

Uh, yeah.
How long is his hair?

I-I-I don't know,
but it's greasy.

Yes.

So Mort, what special features
does this baby have?

Special features?
Like what?

You know, like an oil slick

in case you're being followed
by mourners?

Oh, no, no, nothing like that.

Is there a hammer in case

one of them comes back to life?

No, no hammers.

I guess you have to use
your bare hands then.

You're cute.
Yeah.

Whoa, how'd you swing that?

Oh, the police escort?

In addition to giving you kids a lift,

I'm also on my way to a funeral.

Killing two birds with one stone.

So there's a dead body back there?

And two birds.

And two buns!

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Take that, po-po!

Come on, kids, please.
This is not...

Sorry!

Oil slick, go.

(hissing)

Why are you wearing a hair net?

Because stress is making
my hair fall out.

Look at me.

Tina, you have the fullest head
of hair in the family.

I would kill for that hairline.

I believe you would.

Take it easy. Take it easy.

This is all wrong.
I'm going to jail.

Or hell.

Or hell jail.

What's for lunch today?

Your lies!

No!

That's what we had yesterday.

Look, I know it's hard,

but I swear it will get easier.

Just hang in there;
we'll get through this.

(bell dings)

Hey, there.
What can I get for you?

Oh, I'm not having anything,

but I do have a few questions.

I'm Chase Kaminsky,
your insurance adjuster.

(groaning)

What's that sound?

Uh, uh, what sound?

(groaning continues)
I don't hear anything.

Oh that, that, yes, I hear that.

That's probably my daughter.

Is she all right?

I-I-I think it's a song.

She's always singing, so...
it's probably a song.

You know, kids and their music.

(thud)

Uh, oh.

She passed out.

Better go check on her.

Everything's fine, Tina.
We're going to go out there

and act like
we didn't do anything wrong,

which we didn't, kind of.

But lying to Mom was one thing;

lying to the insurance guy
is another. (groaning)

Okay, stop, stop making that sound.

He hears it.
Okay.

All right,
let's-let's have you go

down to the basement
and, um, sweep something.

Like dirt?
Yes, like dirt.

So, I was in park,
but I thought it was in drive,

so I was thinking,
"Uh, why am I not moving?"

Yeah, well, we've all done that.

I mean, I haven't,
but somebody must have.

We... you did.

(laughing)

Yeah, I did.

(forced laughing)

Oh, God.

Uh, this is my daughter, Tina.

Laughing is another one of her noises.

Oh, is that laughing?

I was in the car with my dad.

Uh, in the passenger seat, she was.

Yeah, where passengers sit.

Right, so after I put it in park,

and I was moving,
I thought, "Am I in neutral?"

So I shifted into gear
and lurched forward.

And then a butterfly flew in the window

and Dad started swatting at it.

(bell dings) A butterfly?

What butterfly?
Wha-What butterfly?

Hey, Linda, kids.

Uh, this is Chase.
He's from the insurance company.

I was just telling him
what happened, uh...

Uh, yes, I was...

I was just getting to
the butterfly part of the story.

I thought it was a bee,
and I was startled.

So I was, ah...
swatting at it.

Dad's scared of butterflies.

Uh-oh, Dad, look out.
There's a ladybug!

Stop it.
All right, so, uh,

anyway, back to the story, uh, Chase.

Uh, I mean, not a story;
it's the truth.

Um, so I swerved and...

A cormorant flew in the window.

What's a cormorant?

It's a kind of seabird.

We learned about them in school.

In China they use them to catch fish.

Yeah, thanks, Tina.

Sorry I left out the cormorant.

GENE: A cormorant? What
an auspicious sign.

Anyway, that's how I hit the car.

Butterfly, then cormorant.

Okay!
Really?

We'll get your claim check
cut right away.

Thanks for your business, Bob.

(bell dings) Thank you.

That was easy, right? Phew.

One more thing.
Aah! Aah!

It just occurred to me to ask you...

Here it comes.

I'm hosting a barbecue this Sunday.

My caterer fell through.
Boom, I meet you.

What do you say?

You ever take this show on the road?

Oh, um, cater your party?

Mm-hmm.
Sounds great. We'll do it.

Our only other employees are the kids.

Is that... is that okay?

Great!

Here's my number.
Huh.

See you all on Sunday.

Great.

Where's the bathroom
in this thing? Under here?

No. No, it's not there.

Yeah, it's fine.
Well no, just...

Can you just hold it a little longer?

Well, it's not a problem.
No, no, please.

Don't worry about it.

I'm meeting a grieving
widow in ten minutes.

Oh, I have to go,
too. Hey, look!

"Three bedroom, two bath."

We can both go.

Ah, all right.

But make it quick.

Got to go. Got to go. Got to go.

Everything okay in there?

Everything's great.

I had to pee,
but one thing led to another.

Bam, I showered.

So our grandpa died.
That's him out front.

He's in the to-go box.

His last wish was to be buried
at the house he was murdered in.

Yeah, with the shovel
he was murdered with.

Can you believe he was
poisoned with a shovel?

(stammering)

We'll take it!

Kids.
Ah, perfect timing.

Mortimer, give this fellow
a fair price for the house,

and we'll meet you in the car.

Hey, thanks for the lift, Mort.

Uh, shouldn't be more
than a couple hours, so, uh...

are you gonna wait here or come back?

Well, it's an hour back to my place,

so I guess I'll just sit in the hearse.

Maybe grab a nap in the back.

Uh-huh.
A nap in the back of a hearse?

Who says morticians are creepy?

Ha-ha. Well, all this gas
is getting pretty expensive.

A hearse doesn't exactly sip gas.

It's a big vehicle, you know?
Uh-huh.

But you know,
if you would like to chip in

that would be so great because...
Great, we'll see you in a few.

Okay. All right.

See you soon. That's fine.

Why are we even here?

You said it would all be over
after the one lie.

Well, we couldn't exactly
say no to Chase, Tina.

That would make it worse.

After the barbecue, I promise,

everything will go back to normal.

Will it?

Or is that another lie?

Whoa, easy.
You've gotta calm down.

Let's, let's, let's see your
"everything is okay" face.

Um, no, no, no,

that's, that's not, that's...

No, that's bad.
No, don't do that face.

Like, like this?

No. Just stop doing
the face.

How about this?

And stay with me here by the grill.

That way your sweat
will look more natural.

So then a butterfly spooks him,

and he crashes our freaking car!
(laughs)

Hey, your wife has 'em
roaring over there,

talking about your little
fender-bender.

Uh. Uh, Tina, I'll be
right back.

Mm...

Just try and keep the meat off the ground.
Okay...

You heard of the butterfly effect?

If a butterfly flaps its wings,

Bob crashes his car!
(laughs)

Okay, Linda.

Let's, uh, settle down.

Oh, what?
I'm making conversation.

And he says I'm a bad driver!

TINA:
Ah! Ah...!

Ah...!

Tina!

Oh, call the fire department!

Oh! Oh! Oh!
Ooh! Ooh, my face!

Tina, no one's blaming you for this,

but what wrong thing did you do?!

I don't know.
I was cooking like normal.

Maybe I had the flame too high?

Why would you let me around fire?

All right, Tina, calm down.

This is, this is bad,

but it was an accident.

We'll, we'll tell Chase we're sorry.

And that we lied about the car accident.

What?!

No. No-no-no-no-no-no.

We're, we're in too deep now.

We have to stick to our story.

Oh, this is horrible.
It's horrible!

We barbecued that poor man's house.
(gasps)

Wait, who's this "we"?

I was locking Gene in the garden shed

when Tina was playing Firestarter.

I burrowed out like a little mole!
(growls)

Louise is right. I'm a firestarter and a jinx.
Yep.

And I'm going to destroy this family.

You're the reason I'm fat!

I know.
Oh, my God, Chase.

I, I don't know what to say.

We're, we're so sorry.
(house creaks)

Bob, it's okay.

This was still a
better-than-average party for me.

Really? But your,
but your house.

Your-Your really nice
house is gone!

Well, this might surprise you.
I have insurance!

(laughs)

(sporadic laughing)

Yeah, I lost a lifetime of
memories and my cat Spritzal.

I killed your cat?!

Well, no, Spritzal died

last week. Natural causes.

She's, uh, she's peeing
in God's shoes now.

Too soon!

But her ashes were in there.

Well, technically, they still are,

aren't they, buddy?
(sobs)

Look, you all go home

and just forget about this, okay?

I'm just so grateful
that no one got hurt.

Ow.
Coming through!

I'm a firestarter and a jinx.

And I'm going to destroy this family.

We're in too deep now!
We have to stick to our story!

(both scream)

Huh?! Wha...?!

(screams)

Screaming!
(keyboard plays sampled scream)

Wha...? Wha...?
Gene!

What the heck is going on?

My stomach is in knots.

Did you eat rope again?

Tina, sweetie, is this about the fire?

Because houses can be rebuilt.

No one was in it, honey.

But my conscience is still on fire.

Okay, enough. I, I can't stand
to see Tina like this.

Listen, I lied
about who was driving our car

during the accident.
Huh?!

I let Tina drive a little
in the parking lot.

No fair!
Mort doesn't let us drive!

And then I made everything
worse by lying about it.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because you're terrible
at keeping secrets.

You just blurt everything out.

Sorry we're late!
Bob had diarrhea!

? Running down the gutter

? With the piece of bread
and butter, diarrhea. ?

(makes fart noise) Lin!

I love you, Mom.

Anyway, I shouldn't have
kept this from you.

I was wrong.
(keyboard scream)

Stop it.

I'm going down to Chase's office

first thing in the morning
to come clean.

I'm going with you.

Yes! Good.
We'll tell some truth!

"Hey, while your car's in the shop,

I can drive you guys around."

Why did I say that?
What's wrong with me?

Oh, hey, guys!

What can I do for you?

Hi, Chase.

Uh, I have something I need to tell you.

Is it about my dead fish?
'Cause I already know.

I wasn't driving when I had
the car accident. Tina was.

It's true. I was. (sighs)

I knew that.

You knew?
You knew?

What, you thought you were

fooling me with that cockamamie story

about a butterfly and a bird?

A cormorant.

Whatever.
Of course I knew!

I figured if I scratched
your back, you'd scratch mine.

Wait. I-I don't want
to scratch your back.

You already did.

Tina's "accidental" fire?
No accident.

It was an accident, I swear!

What are you talking about?

We're all in on this, compadres!

I looked the other way
on your fender-bender.

You gave me a convenient cover
to burn down my house.

Why would you burn down your own house?

'Cause I'm covered for twice
what it's worth.

And no one is gonna question my claim

when little Tina
was left in charge of the grill.

How did you know
I was going to start a fire?

Well, you didn't.

My good buddy
odorless kerosene did. Ugh!

So I'm not a jinx.

I, I can't believe what you're saying.

Well, believe this.
It's your cut!

My cut?

I'm... I'm not taking
your money.

Oh, think about it, you two.

We'll be the three amigos
of insurance fraud.

Restaurants are disaster magnets!

Broken pipes,
slip-and-falls, her.

Aw...
Hey.

I make sure you get the maximum payout,

minus a small percent, of course.

Hey, we're not gonna commit
insurance fraud.

Yeah, that doesn't sound
like something you'd do.

Oh, wait, you already did!

Your daddy could go to jail!

Huh?! Huh! Huh!

Chase, you can't be serious...

Huh! Huh!
Serious as a judge.

Judges, by the way, are most
interested in the testimony

of the insurance adjuster.
And I will testify against you.

Oh, I got it!
You'll flood your basement!

Why are you doing this to us?

Because you're my golden goose.

And I'm not letting you get away.

You are the worst insurance adjuster.

But the world's greatest uncle.
(clicks tongue)

So, Chase is blackmailing us.

And if we don't go along with his scam

and flood the basement,
he's gonna turn me in.

Flood the basement?

But my collage supplies!

They're just magazines, Mom.

They are '90s Cosmopolitans
from the '90s.

Lin, let's focus on the blackmailing.

Huh! Huh! We gotta take
that son of a bitch down!

Language.

Sorry, Mom.
Tina's right.

We need to come up with an idea

to get us out of this.
Huh! Huh! Huh!

Tina, stop doing that.
It's disturbing and scary.

Wait. That's it!

What is?

What if we scare Chase so bad

he'll never want to see us again?

Hmm. That could work.

Scare him? How?

Boo!
Ah!

(bell jingles)

Good morning, Bob!

Or should I call you "Rob"

since we're gonna be
stealing money together?

I'm sorry. It was
too good to resist.

Yeah, that was hilarious.

Uh, so anyway, my basement flooded.

Luckily, we're covered.

Uh, Bob, will you send the kids up?

Their breakfast is getting cold.
They aren't down here.

What are you talking about?
Of course they are.

They were playing down in the basement.

The basement?!

Bobby, what's the matter?

My babies!

No...!
Agh! Agh!

Oh, my God, no...!

I went too far!
What have I done?!

My kids...!
My children are dead!

Bobby, why?!

Bob, I can't handle this!
I never saw this...

Okay, I'm leaving!
I'm sorry!

You'll never hear from me again!

And... scene.
Eh?

Great performances by
all three of us, huh?

Oh. You figured it out.

Come on. You didn't
really expect me

to buy that, did you, Bob?

Uh, sorta. Yes.

Your acting is terrible.
You closed the door.

You didn't even try
to resuscitate your kids!

Yeah, It turns out the kids can't
hold their breath that long.

And we were gonna give 'em
snorkels, but, uh...

Snorkels.

Yeah, uh, you know what?
Never mind.

Snorkel.

Kids, come upstairs.

Now let's get this paperwork started!

Get this claim processed!

And remember, this stays
just between us.

No one can ever know.

Bob, Lin, oh, good.
You're, you're both here.

Listen, I, I got
something stuck in my craw.

Not a good time, Mort.

Uh, you know, it's never
a good time for these things.

You're my neighbors and I love you,

and I, I love your kids.

I mean, up to a point
But I'm not a taxi, okay?!

All right. Sorry,

That came out wrong.
A little over the top.

Let me, let me start over.

Look, we're getting
our car back tomorrow.

So we don't need any more rides, Mort.

Yeah, we left you a note

and a thank-you package
on your doorstep.

Oh, so you did. Okay.

Well, I mean, that wasn't necessary.

What a lovely surprise.
All right, I'm gonna go now.

Okay, Chase.
You, you caught us.

But you're playing with fire...
Fire.

...and water, literally.

And eventually, somebody
is going to get hurt.

(bark sound) Gene, stop it!

Ah!

Don't insult me, Bob.

You're new to this.
I'm the pro.

I've pulled hundreds of scams,

and I'm gonna pull hundreds more.

Now for our next fraud,
I'm thinking lightning.

A big surge could mess up

all these incredibly expensive
appliances. Am I nuts?

Yes.
Well, off to process this flood claim.

Talk soon, partner!

Oh, my God.
We're stuck with this guy forever.

Like me and this piece
of corn in my teeth.

Right, corn?
Are we?

I've pulled hundreds of scams,

and I'm gonna pull hundreds more.

Ha! Tina,
that's brilliant!

Oh, sure, when she does it,
it's brilliant.

That scammer is going to the slammer!

Buh-bye, baby!

Tina, do you realize what this means?

You saved the family.

I guess it's all part
of learning to drive.

(farting)

(lion roars)

(lasers firing)

(farting)

Uh, the, this one.

For our next fraud,
I'm thinking lightning!

Hey! Hey, Bob!
Bob, look!

(mimics tires screeching, crash sound)

That's you.

Well, I'm glad this week is behind us.

This was the worst week of my life.

But I'm better for it.

This was the worst week
of your life, Tina?

You got to crash a car
and burn down a house!

I got to do nothing!

Fine. Here, Louise,
you can break this plate.

Ah!

No fair!
I want one!

Yeah!

That felt good.
I want another one!

No, that's it.

Here, give me one!
Stop!

Lin, what are you doing?

What? They're...
I hate these plates.

Stop breaking plates! Lin!

Ah!

- Ah-ha-ha, it's fun.
- Smash!

- Watch me break this plate
and the window! - No!