Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - An Indecent Thanksgiving Proposal - full transcript

Faster, faster,
you beast!

This is as fast
as it goes, Gene.

It has a messed-up wheel.

And a lot of junk
in the trunk.

More to push.

Yes, Gene.
You love it.

Beep-beep!
Here we are in Turkey Town.

Oh, hello there.

Which one
of you lucky fellas wants

to get eaten by me
this Thursday?

Me! No, me!



Okay, settle down everyone.

So Dad's talking
to turkeys now?

Sheesh, Dad.
Get an oven.

Your dad loves Thanksgiving.

It's his favorite holiday.

Will it be you?
You're a big one.

- You been working out?
- A little.

Well, you look great.

Yeah, it's a little weird,

but it's his selection process.

It's like The Bachelor,

but at the end,
the one he chooses gets eaten.

That's what happens
on the real Bachelor, too.

They just don't show it
on camera.



Hey Bob, what about me?

Oh, yeah.
Sorry, I didn't see you there.

I hope he waits to get it home
before he stuffs it.

Yes... Yes, it's you.

Really?

Really.

Hey, thank you so much.

I don't know what to say.

It's okay, don't say anything.

Oh, Bob.

Dad, are you crying?

Shh! Let them
have their moment.

Yes!

Come on.
Let's go get stuffing.

Come on.
You're the one!

Come on!
You are the one!

That turkey
is our mom now.

Uh, Mr. Fischoeder.

Um, it's not December yet.

And I, I paid November's rent
a few days ago.

I know I used a lot
of pennies, but...

Stand down, Bob.
I'm just here as a friend.

A friend who needs to borrow
your family for Thanksgiving.

What?
I need to borrow

your family
for Thanksgiving dinner.

Why?
Bob, have you ever been in love?

I-I guess.
I-I technically am.

Hi!

Well, Bob,
I was in love once, too.

Oh, sick!

With Shelby Schnabel,

the most famous sharpshooter
since Annie Oakley.

You lost me at "love" but brought
me back with "sharpshooter."

She left me
for a married oil magnate.

Then she left him for a
married movie magnate.

She's a magnate magnet.

More like a homewrecker.

Exactly, which is why I need

to give her a home to wreck.

If you want to wreck your home,

buy a bunch of mice,
like a normal person.

So, Bob, in exchange
for one month's rent,

can your family pretend
to be my family?

Yay! Acting!

Mmm... no.

From now on,
call me Gene Fischoeder.

No wait,
Vesuvio Fischoeder.

No, wait, Alabama Slammer!

I'll need you, too, Bob,

to pose as my cook
and to roast the bird.

Definitely not.
Thanksgiving is

this family's
favorite holiday.

Eh.
Wait, it's not?

No way.
Check the rankings.

my birthday,
Christmas, Halloween...

Easter...
Hanukkah...

Snow Day,
Amateur Night...

Uh, okay, that's...

Veterans Day...
Tooth Fairy Eve...

Not real.
Patrick's Day, May Day,

Groundhog Day, season premiere
of Game of Thrones...

You've never even seen...
Opposite Day, Day of the Dead...

Stop.
Dawn of the Dead, Carnivale...

Angela Lansbury's birthday...

No.
Bath Night...

Black Friday,

then Thanksgiving.

Love Black Friday.

Black Friday before
Thanksgiving?

Yeah, 'cause it's dark.

Oh, come on guys, what about

all of our Thanksgiving
traditions?

Gene and I always play football.

Always go for the feet.

Ow!

Tina and I break the wishbone.

I wished for
more wishbones.

And Louise, we use the giblets

to play Turkey Crime Scene
Miami.

Cause of
death is a missing head.

Same as last year.

Same as every year.

We've got a serial killer
on our hands!

But everyone's favorite part
is my funny toast, right?

Like, last year, I said,

if you want to open
the door to this family,

use the tur-key!

Tur...

Oh, my gosh.

I just got it.

Let's up the ante.

Three months rent.

Bobby.

Two.
Gene, no.

Purple. What are we guessing?

Five.
Deal.

Wow, I didn't think you
were gonna go... Okay.

Uh... well, that'll make
a huge difference for us.

That's-that's like real money.

Goodie. I'll send you
all scripts for Thursday.

I want you to really get
into your parts.

Just like I'm going to get
into Shelby's parts.

Her lady parts.

Which are the lady parts?

The vagina and the heart.

I can't believe
my bridesmaid's dress

from Ginger's wedding
still fits me.

You look like
an elegant sausage.

I hope I can breathe
to do my Thanksgiving song.

I thought we
settled on no song.

I hate plays
that don't have songs.

I'll find a place to fit it in.

What's your Thanksgiving song?

Uh, no, no, no, no, no.

♪ Pass the cranberry sauce

♪ We're having mashed potatoes

♪ Ooh, the turkey looks great
Lin...

♪ Thank you for loving me
Lin.

♪ Thank you for being there
Oh, God.

♪ Everyone's thankin'
Lin.

♪ The whole world's
thankin' you ♪

Stop, Lin. Stop.
♪ Thankin' us for thankin' you

Lin.
♪ Kill the turkey.

Please.
I liked it.

Thank you.

Okay, everyone, we're here.

Listen, I figured out

how to have
our own Thanksgiving,

stuffed inside
Fischoeder's Thanksgiving.

Like a turducken.

A poultry
within a poultry.

It's like Inception,
with meats.

Gene, before dinner,
you come in

and we'll play tackle
in the kitchen.

Then send Tina in
for the wishbone.

And then Louise.

And at exactly 8:00,

you all say you have to go
to the bathroom

and then you come
to the kitchen for my toast.

8:00... that's your cue.

I'm only half listening.

Did you just say you want us

to go to the bathroom
in the kitchen?

No, Louise.
Come on, guys,

"Belcher Thanksgiving"
on three, ready?

One, two...

Ah, the Fischoeders!

Come inside, family.

Yay.

Okay, uh...

You guys go.

I'm still excited.

Uh, can-can you open the door?

Go around the back, cook.

Okay.
Still gonna be good.

This house was originally built

by a paranoid
arsenic manufacturer.

Oh, I bet there are actual
skeletons in these closets.

And a dungeon full
of Dungeness crabs.

I bet when you flush
the toilets,

the water evaporates upwards
and forms a rainbow.

Two of you are correct.

You already signed
your liability waivers,

so go explore.

Awesome!

So, Mr. Fisch...

I was right
about the toilets.

Huh, I thought the kitchen
would be more, uh, mansion-y.

Mansions are for the owners,
Bob, not the cooks.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going get drunk for dinner.

Do you mean dressed?
Dressed out of my mind.

Got to loosen up,
you know?

Right, right.
Got to get my sex face on.

I can't wait to see it.

Well, Lin, this might not
be so bad, right?

This Thanksgiving.

Neh.
What?

My hair!

Now I got to go redo it. Great.
Fine.

Guess I'll just be here, alone.

With uh... with the turkey.

My name's Lance.

Sorry. With Lance.

How are you, Lance?

Pretty great.

Oh, there are
my little Fischies.

Thanks for
the new outfits.

Sometimes you need
a make-under.

I'm glad you like them.

Now, our job tonight

is to fool the woman
of my dreams

into believing
that we are a loving,

happy nuclear family
that she can destroy.

Romantic.

In order to keep
you kids motivated,

we're going to be playing
by arcade rules.

You'll be awarded these tickets

for convincing performances
as Fischoeder children.

Game on.
Wait, time out.

Okay, game on again.

I thought my shoe
was untied.

The one with the most tickets
at the end of the evening

can claim a gift
from my prize room.

The only prize I need
is your love, father.

And we're off and running.

And just like
every happy family,

we now have a commissioned
painng otius,

holding the family crest

covered in ten schlongs,

which of course
is German for "snakes."

Oh-ho-ho.

Look at the schlongs.

Oh, she's here!

She's here! Oh, God.

Ooh, I'm so nervous.
Places, people! Places!

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh.

You ready for the oven?

I dunno, Bob.

It feels weird.

We should be doing this at home.

I know it's not the same,
but it can still be fun.

Why don't you take a sip

of that over there, Bob?

That?

Yeah, that green bottle.

It's, uh, absinthe.

Doesn't this
make you hallucinate?

Carpe diem!

- What?
- Seize the day.

All right,
I'll take a little sip.

This can't be that bad.

Whoa. Weird.

Bob! Bob! Bob!

What?

Can you leave
the oven light on for me?

I get scared.

So cute.

Here's the light.

It's too bright.

Shelby, may I present
my wife, Linda.

Pleasure to meet you, Linda.

Oh, I like that name,
Linda.

And I'm Linda.

Moving right along,
these are my children,

Gina, Team, and Lucy.

Welcome to our happy home.

Any ex-lover of my father's
is a friend of mine.

What unusual children.

Calvin, your sperm
did wonderfully.

She took my sperm
and ran with it.

Because I'm his...

Because I...

Because I'm his wife.

Thank you, Linda.
Say, do you kids like bullets?

I think all kids like bullets.
Think fast!

Whoa! Whoa. Wow!

Calvin, you kept

my old rifle.

You weren't carrying a torch

for me all these years,
were you?

Oh, of course not, I was just holding
it for you. You can have it back.

You don't mind if I cock
this thing in here, do you?

Cock away.

Ow! Loud!

That trick's called
the "Reverse Cowgirl."

I bet you could pierce
Gene's ear from there.

Ooh, do my belly button!

Not till you're 18.

If you teach me to shoot,

I'll teach you to regret
teaching me to shoot.

And I can teach you
to make burgers,

like in our restau...

Eh, eh!
What is she talking about?

All this talk about shooting
is making me thirsty.

Why don't we pull the
trigger on a glass of wine?

Ha-ha. I'm funny.

I'm his funny wife.

Being a family man
suits you, Calvin.

Hmm. You look better
than I remember.

When will Thanksgiving be over?

I want it to be Father's Day
every day!

Very nice.
Here, Father,

let me refill your glass.

You must be dehydrated
from being so wonderful.

Take it down a notch or two.

Hey, Dad,
remember when we did that thing

that was fun and memorable?

That's pathetic.

Um, hello,
I'm your chef.

Yes, this is our chef,
uh, Burt.

Here are your salads,
and now I will, uh,

go tackle the turkey.
Did you hear that, Gene?

I'm gonna go
tackle the turkey.

Tackle away.

Tackle the turkey.

Ah!
Ow.

Oh!
That was a great shot.

Really, really funny.

Do another one.
Ooh! Do a crouton.

Uh, no, I'm gonna go back
to the kitchen now.

So, uh, here I go.

Back to the kitchen.

Gene, go apologize to the cook.

Gene!

Buddy, football time.

Let the traditions begin.

Let's make this quick.

All right, I got the ball
on the one yard line

Hut, one! Hut, two!

Hut, hut, hut, hike!

Ow.

Great game, Dad,
hit the showers.

But we barely played.

Gotta get out there
and get more tickets.

Tickets?
What are you talking about?

I don't have time
to explain this to the help.

Fine, just send Tina in.

And come back for my toast!

You got it, Buddy.

One for me...

and one for Bob.

I'm very good at drinking this.
Thank you.

There's my girl!

Okay, time to break
the wishbone, right?

Oh, crap,
it's still in the turkey.

Well, maybe we can just
pull it out a little early.

Ow! Oh, my God,
that's hot!

Got some skin!

Okay, you grab your end
and let's do the wish-skin.

Um, okay.

Great, you won!
Yay.

What'd you wish for,
more wish-skins?

More tickets.

I'm way behind in the
best kid contest.

Oh. So you're gonna leave?

I'll send Louise in.

Louise Belcher regrets to
inform you she cannot attend

Miami due
to a prior comtmenmi

Oh, great, I guess I did all
this for nothing. Ugh!

Remember, Bob,
it's all an act.

Thanks, Lance, you've been
my rock through all this.

I love you.

Well, it's almost 8:00,
so I'll do my toast,

and the Belcher Thanksgiving
will be back on track.

I "yam" what I "yam."

And what I "yam" is
the luckiest man in the world.

Yeah!

Was that a great toast or what?

You're the toastest
with the mostest.

Mwah!

Aw...

Family!

Thanksgiving...!

Lance, you're big.

Mm-hmm!

Oh!

This is weird, right?

Oh, my God!

What? What's going on?

It's 8:35! My toast!

Oh, Fischoeder Dad,
you are hilarious!

They're not coming, Bob.

Yeah, I know, Lance.

Ow! My face!

Bobby, I need
a chopped onion... stat!

No one came in
for my toast, Lin.

My big toast.

You can do your toast
for us tomorrow.

Tomorrow's not
Thanksgiving.

But tomorrow we'll have
five months free rent.

Because this is working...
I think.

Now come on, I need an onion
so I can cry for my next scene.

- Chop-chop! Get it? Fine.
- You don't want

to come in here for my toast,
I'll bring it out there.

No, you will not, mister.

I haven't even done
my song yet.

I'm coming out, Lin.

Bob, you are drunk.

You're drunk.

I am not. I've only had half
of four bottles of wine.

Just bring the turkey out
and you can come back in here

and take a nap on the floor
like you do at home, okay?

Now, let's go!

- Thank you.
- All right!

Thank you.
That was called

Bravo!

And this is called
"Better Ode To Dad."

Get ready!

I can't compete with that.

You know, I am
so emotional.

What a wonderful...
family we have.

And it's...
Hmm.

It almost,
it brings tears to my eyes. Hmm.

Just a second...

You're doing great mom.

Really natural.

Oh, you are
so married.

So gosh damn married!

Hello, it's me,
the cook, Bob...

Or Burt.
And this is Lance.

Lance is a turkey.

Lance, these are the jerks
I mentioned

in the kitchen, when
I was talking to you.

He seems like he's in
a good place.

So, without further ado,

I will now give the traditional
cook's toast

that I do every year.

Uh, maybe
you should go back

into the kitchen,
Mr. Cook.

Oh, shut up, Mrs. Fischoeder!

Uh, ah, okay.

Wow, there must be five
months of dishes to do in there.

You don't want to sleep in
the basement again, Mr. Cook.

Are you still talking?!

You don't want
to sleep without...

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!
Oh, dear!

It's Thanksgiving again,
and there's some "stuff-ing"

I'm thankful for.

♪ Go on and pass
the cranberries... ♪

Don't, Lin, don't!

♪ It's time to sing
a little song now. ♪

Stop it! Stop!

Wow, this is
getting good.

- All right...
- Thanksgiving.

Let's break
the word down.

Let me, uh, just...
Thanks.

Shh. Excuse me.
Sorry.

I've heard people use
that word quite often.

Up here. Let me just "pumpkin" you
up by saying... Or "than" than.

"pumpkin you up,"
right?

Like "we have more than" day!
Let's raise our glasses.

Yes, raise your glasses.
Tina, raise drop those glasses.

Raise them higher than that.

♪ Oh, pass the cranberry!

All right.
Shut up, Lin!

♪ Let's get a little lazy

Here's my toast,
and what I say goes.

Me?
We'll go by applause.

Everyone who liked the cook's
toast best... Shh! Clap now!

I don't need clapping.
What I need is

what every dad
needs, hugging!

Uh, kids, go hug your dad.

Come on.

No, your dad,
your Fischoeder dad.

Unbelievable.

Wife, come!
Oh, yes!

Ah-ha, ha-ha.

It's working.
Let's seal the deal.

No, no.
Give me those lips.

No... no...
Lips. Lips.

No, no.
Lips. Lips.

Okay, one.

Whoa. Sick! Aw...

Get your lips off her!

Wow!
Everybody wants everybody!

This is so exciting.

I believe the cook has had
too much to drink.

Oh, do you believe it?!

I believe it in my
heart of hearts.

Oh, great, everyone wants
to hear your beliefs!

Back to the kitchen now!

I'm not going back.

Now this is a holiday.

Is it cool if I grab a leg?
No.

You people don't deserve
to eat Lance.

Lance is my friend, okay?

Ow, Lance,
you're burning my arm.

Put that turkey down.

I pay your salary
and your rent.

Keep your blood money,
Fischoeder!

Bobby, come back!

Not the gravy!

Save me some dark meat!

Lance, take care of my father!

Get back here with that turkey!

I'll get it back.

I love a turkey hunt.

Wait. What?

They'll never catch us! Let's hide here.
There he is!

Oh, boy.

Duck, Bob, duck!

You're a turkey, Lance.

Good one, Bob.

They're gaining on us!

Run side to side!

Okay, but I think
this is slower.

Shelby, stop!
Don't shoot him!

What the...?

Come back here with
our turkey, cook!

Never! He's mine!

No, don't shoot
my dad!

I'm not.
I'm gonna shoot the cook!

And I won't kill him.
I'm just gonna maim him!

Tackle!

Oh, God,
we killed Bobby!

We killed Bobby!
Dad!

Why do they keep
calling the cook "Dad"?

Lin, he's shot.

Oh, thank goodness.
Oh, my God.

Dad!
Dad!

Lance, talk to me.

You're gonna be okay.

No, no I'm not
gonna make it, Bob.

Don't say that, Lance.
Don't talk like that!

You're gonna be fine!

No, I'm cold. I'm so cold.

Get him a blanket!
Get him a blanket!

What?
What's he sayin'?

I don't know.
I can't understand.

What's he sayin'?!
He's just murmuring!

Lance? Lance?

Oh, he's gone!!

Oh, Bobby, I'm so sorry
about all this.

I never want
to be someone else's wife,

even for pretend.

Sorry we ruined your
Thanksgiving, Dad.

We were jerks.

I'm sorry, too.

I promise to tackle
you every day

for the rest
of my life.

I've been talking to a turkey
for a long time now.

But I drank a lot of
absinthe, just to be fair.

Oh, Bobby, come here.
Mwah!

Lin, not now, I'm grieving.

I lost a friend today.

This is so confusing!

Well, it's clear to me
that this cook has, uh,

fathered these, uh,
children with, uh, this...

Oh, give it up.

I'm not Fischoeder's
wife, all right?

He hired us to pretend
to be his family

so you'd be attracted
to him... there.

I'm touched that
you would go

to so much trouble
for little old me.

Oh, you're not old,
and you're not little.

Not where it counts.

In the wabba-wabba.

Oh, Calvin,
this isn't gonna work.

Oh.

I respect myself too much

not to be the other woman.

Wow, you guys are insane.

Let's get out of here.

We can still have dinner
at home.

Wait!
I almost forgot!

I have the
most tickets!

And I know exactly what I want.

Now this portrait will grow old
for me

and I'll stay nine forever.

Oh! This "absence"
is delicious.

It's absinthe, Lin.

You're absinthe.

Hey, Mom, are you
hallucinating yet?

Not yet.
I need more.

Okay, who wants what?

I'll take a bullet
piece, please.

Me, too!
I'll have a thigh.

There's plenty of shrapnel
for everyone... don't be shy.

Good thing the bullet hit Lance,
or else we'd be eating Dad.

He'd taste old
and bitter.

I bet Dad would've made
a great dinner.

Thanks, Tina.

Yeah, you're so plump.

Oh.

Aw, to delicious Bobby!

Lin, don't toast to eating me.

Eat Dad! Eat Dad! Eat Dad!

Eat Bob! Eat Bob!
Stop it.

Thanksgiving's over!

Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

♪ Pass the cranberry sauce ♪
No...

♪ We're having
mashed potatoes ♪

♪ Ooh, the turkey looks great

♪ Thank you for loving me
Lin...

♪ Thank you for being there
Please.

♪ Thank you for loving me
Oh, God.

♪ Everyone's thanking
Lin...

♪ The whole world's thanking
you ♪ Lin, stop. Lin, stop.

♪ Thanking us for
thanking you ♪ Lin...

♪ Kill the turkey
Lin!

No.
♪ Pass the cranberry sauce

♪ We're having
mashed potatoes ♪

♪ Ooh, the turkey looks great

♪ Thank you for loving me
Lin...

♪ Thank you for being there
Please.

♪ Thank you for loving me

♪ Everyone's thanking
Lin...

♪ The whole world's
thanking you ♪ Stop.

♪ Thanking us
for thanking you ♪

♪ Kill the turkey.