Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 3, Episode 21 - Boyz 4 Now - full transcript
Louise is horrified when she develops her first crush.
♪ I'm mining the cave for love
♪ Don't care about
the world above ♪
♪ Down here it's dark and cold
♪ I'm just looking
for a nugget of gold ♪
♪ My hat is hard
but my heart is soft ♪
♪ It's dusty down here
and so I cough ♪
♪ It's a dirty job
but I ain't stoppin' ♪
♪ I know I'm breathin' toxins
but you're lookin' foxin' ♪
♪ Will you be mine?
♪ Coal mine
♪ Will you be mine?
♪ Diamond...
Hey, I was watching that.
Bad enough I'm being forced
to go to their concert.
It's like I'm going
to the electric chair
and you're making me watch
videos of the electric chair.
Louise, you be nice.
Your Aunt Gayle got you
those tickets
and she's excited to take you.
I'm super excited.
I've been practicing
my concert scream all week.
Ah...
Ah... Still ne...
might need some work.
Why would you waste a scream
on a stupid boy band?
Screams are for roller coasters
or axe murderers
or Dad's morning breath.
Hey, it's not that bad.
Oh, whew!
Brush your teeth.
I did.
Well, then,
help me look for my keys.
I've told you to stop
putting stuff in there
if you ever want to see it again.
You put my baby brother in there
and that was the last
we saw of him!
Javier Belcher, I love you!
I'm serious.
We're gonna be late
for Gene's table-setting
competition.
Ugh.
Do I really have to?
I-I'd rather go to
the boy band concert.
Bob, one of our kids is actually
participating in something.
We're going,
even if it's table-setting.
It's table-scaping.
And it's the most exciting
competition on four legs.
It combines accurate
table-setting placement
with creative themes and costumes.
I'm sure it's much more exciting
than it sounds.
It has to be. Right?
Gene, how did you even end up going
to the regionals
in table-setting, anyway?
It was the only non-athletic
after-school activity,
and I creamed the competition.
As you can see,
my tablecloth is a trash bag.
Mm-hmm.
Please enjoy this gar-beverage.
Amusing.
And when the meal is over,
you can deposit your dirty
silverware in the truck
to head to the dump.
Beep! Beep!
Our theme is twin dinner.
Twinner!
Two knives.
Two forks.
Two napkins.
Two plates...
Congratulations, Gene.
You're going to regionals.
All right!
Mmm.
Gene, if you like
setting tables so much,
why don't you set tables
at the restaurant?
Or here?
No, Dad.
I don't set where I eat.
Where's Aunt Gayle?
It's my first concert.
I want to hurry up
and start remembering
this moment for
the rest of my life.
Maybe Aunt Gayle realized
that she's a 42-yeldaroman
and she shouldn't be
into boy bands?
Hello?
Hi, Aunt Gayle.
Are you outside?
An emergency?
Emergency?
Okay, yeah...
I-I understand.
Bye.
Give me the bad news.
Give me the bad news!
Aunt Gayle pepper-sprayed
one of her cats
because she thought
he was an intruder
trying to sexually assault her.
She has to take him to the vet
and we have to miss the concert.
Yeah!
This is the best thing
Aunt Gayle's done
since she pooped her pants at
the cell phone store last year.
Ugh, my heart
just pooped its pants.
Wow. Lots of people.
I didn't realize that table-setting
was such a big deal.
'Scaping!
Check out those trophies.
Ooh, and judges
with buttons that say "judge."
Well, got to get cracking
if I'm gonna win first place.
You know, honey,
it's okay if you don't win.
Yeah, Gene, I mean, win or lose,
we're just proud that...
you're setting a table
at the competitive level.
Ooh, mini croissants!
No matter what I say,
stop me when I've had 16.
So, now that we're not
going to the concert,
what should we do first?
All right, I'll give it a shot.
Is this it?
Yeah, that's good.
Okay! I hate this.
Come on, Tina, cheer up.
It's four lame boys who dance.
There's so much more
out there in the world.
No, there isn't!
Ugh, it's no fun having you down
if I'm not the one
who got you there.
I'm sorry.
Fine. I'm not a monster.
I'll help you.
What do you mean?
I mean I'll get you to the concert.
- I'll get you there.
- How?
Are you sure we can
bike all the way there
by the time the concert starts?
Not if we keep
chitchatting like this.
Oh, here's the freeway.
Once we merge, get in
the fast lane, okay?
And we'll get there in no time.
What?
Zeke?
What are you doing here?
Me and my cousin Leslie
are going to sell
some bootleg T-shirts and hot dogs
at the Boyz 4 Now concert.
Boom. Whatcha letcha.
Ha! Check it out.
One size fits all.
Damn, this one says my
card's declined, too.
Zeke, you have any money?
Nah, my white ass is broke.
Hey, I've got gas money.
You got room for two
more in that buggy?
You slip me a fiver,
I'll be your driver.
Leslie loves rhymes.
And pasta that comes in cans.
If it ain't from a can,
it don't go in this man.
I've never ridden with
this many hot dogs before.
A day of firsts.
Watch out. You squish 'em,
you bought 'em.
Boyz 4 Now, here we come.
Don't squish it!
So who's your favorite
Boy 4 Now?
Griffin's the hot one.
And he's super extreme.
His dog is a wolf.
Stop.
And then there's Allen.
He's cute but shy.
His fans are called
Allen-coholics.
Ugh.
My stepmom's an Allen-coholic.
And a shopaholic.
Double trouble!
This is Matt.
He's moody and a little older.
I think, like, 17.
Maybe his mustache is 17,
but he's 90.
And then there's Boo Boo.
He's young
but crazy good at dancing.
I used to be a real
Boo Boo Booster,
but now I'm kind of into Griffin.
Ugh, stop talking!
Stop. Stop.
- Okay, I'm gonna put my fist in your mouth.
- Okay.
Oh, Marilyn.
Tragic beauty.
I love your son's table.
Hi.
Aw. Thank you.
Magic. Hmm.
Uh, what's "hmm"?
Your table's cute.
But only one person can
take home the Golden Plate.
And we sure didn't come
to take home the Silver Spoon.
Yeah, well, we ne...
neither did we.
- Right.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah!
Oh, please.
Come on, Oscar.
You've still got
a crying Joe DiMaggio
to carve out of butter.
- Bye, guys. Good luck.
- Don't talk to them!
Gene, get back to
work on your table.
You've got to win.
I thought you said it was okay
if I didn't win.
Well, that was before
we met that idiot.
Now, chop-chop.
Ooh, Dad, you got the fever!
'Scaping fever!
Whoo!
Can't escape the 'scape!
Let's do this!
Yeah!
Ugh, no wonder no one likes women.
All right, see you after the show.
Be careful.
There's a lot of puberty in there.
I can't believe I'm here.
It's really happening.
I feel light-headed.
Whoa! No fainting!
I don't think I'm strong
enough to go in there alone.
I need you to come with me.
Fine.
I'll get you to your seat
so you don't get trampled,
but then I am out of there.
What is wrong with all of you?
They're just boys!
Boys? Where?
Oh, come on.
Hello, young man.
What can you tell me
about your table?
Oh, well...
Wait, what's that behind your ear?
Is this your place card?
Oh! Oh, my!
Now, please, take your seat.
Allow me to put
your napkin on your lap.
Ah...?
Very clever.
Oh, I seem to have
forgotten my centerpiece.
Or did I?
Eh?
And what menu would you serve
with this setting?
For the entrée,
you'll pull a roasted rabbit
out of your top hat plate.
Served with
abracadab-braised potatoes
and ice cream shazamwiches
for dessert!
Oh!
She's smiling.
I think it's going well.
He looks good.
He looks loose.
I'm pleased to announce
our four finalists:
Melissa Brown, Oscar Anthony...
I did it! I did it!
...Heather Smith
and Gene Belcher.
- Yay!
- Yay!
Wait, why are there four winners?
Finalists, please report
to your table
and begin assembling
your second original display.
Second display?
If you thought
our first table was good,
which you did...
No, we didn't.
...just wait until
you see our second one.
I don't want to give anything away,
but we're about to take a
rocket ship out of this world.
So it's space-themed?
I can't say.
Well, it is.
You just basically said it.
- I'll never tell.
- Plus, I didn't think your first table was good.
I graciously disrespect
your answer.
Well, wait till you see
what we got, okay?
I'm busy then.
Well, you're gonna have
to look at it if you're here.
I'm double-parked.
Okay, finalists.
On your mark, get set, set.
All right, Gene, what have you got?
It better be bigger and more
impressive than outer space.
Or Marilyn in space.
Marilyn in space.
I didn't know there was
supposed to be a second display.
- What?!
- Uh...
Did you read the rules, Gene?
No! There were 16 pages.
I only got up to the part
that said no open-toed shoes.
What are we gonna do?
We can't lose.
We've come too far.
Come too far? Come too far?!
We haven't come too far, Lin!
We're just getting started!
- Okay, so what are we gonna do?!
- Why am I talking like this?!
- I don't know! Why am I tal...
- I think I'm excited!
- Oh, God!
- This is weird! We got to win it!
- Let's win it!
- What?
I'm wearing open-toed shoes.
Ah, shoot.
Boyz 4 Now!
Boyz 4 Now! Boyz 4 Now!
Okay, Teen, I think you're all set.
Um, I'm gonna get out of here.
So, I'll see you later,
okay, buddy?
Good evening, ladies and girls!
Are you ready?
You know them, you love them!
What are they?
Boyz... 4... Now!
Boyz 4 Now! Boyz 4 Now!
I hope those
are the kinds of lasers
that slice people in half.
Please welcome... Allen!
Holy crap.
Griffin!
Lot of wires. Not quite
creating the illusion.
You guys seeing this?
Right there!
Matt!
Uh-oh. Sky Grandpa!
And Boo Boo!
This is terrible.
Who let all
these pretty girls in here?
♪ I want to hear your secrets ♪
♪ I'm so interested in you ♪
Boo Boo!
Oh, my God, who the frig am I?!
♪ Will you be mine? Coal mine
You're gonna miss
Allen's poetry solo.
You do not like a boy.
You do not like a boy!
Especially a boy named...
Boo Boo.
Aw. Aah! Stop it!
Oh, God!
Get a hold of yourself!
Aah! No!
Ah, Boo Boo's so cute.
Cute? He's the reason faces
were invented, you idiot!
♪ I need to show you a secret
♪ It's gonna be a surprise
♪ Come a little bit closer
♪ Let me whisper in your eyes
♪ When I whisper in your eyes
♪ Don't think, don't blink
Hey, girl, shh. Shush.
Close your lips and open your eyes.
I want your eyes to hear my lips
and also my eyes...
Oh, my God!
Tina. Tina!
I thought you were leaving.
Change of plans.
I need to talk to you.
I have questions.
Tell me about the band again.
- But in the car, you didn't want to...
- Tell me!
Well, Allen...
Next!
- Um, Griffin's...
- Yeah, sure, Griffin, Griffin.
Uh-huh-huh. Next!
Okay, Matt...
Next!
Well, that leaves Boo Boo.
Oh, really?
That's interesting.
Tell me more.
What about Boo Boo?
Boo Boo's the youngest.
And he's got a really great voice,
but he hasn't hit puberty yet,
so that could change.
What's he into? Sports?
I could get into sports.
What the hell else does he like?
I want to give him things.
Whoa, Louise. You like Boo Boo?
What?! No, Tina, that's...
Okay, right, like, I like a boy.
That's... Ugh!
Do you think he might like me?
Oh, my God, what's happened to me?!
Cut me open! I'm infected!
Pull it out!
It's okay, Louise.
You're just having a crush.
Never! Boo Boo!
Oh, my God, you are
sick, Louise Belcher.
You are sick!
I'm going to get you through this.
Tell me what you like
about Boo Boo.
Nothing. Everything.
I don't know.
Do you like his hair?
You mean those soft blond bangs
you want to hide under
like an umbrella on a rainy day?
No, not really.
And his face?
Ew, gross, it's so gorgeous!
I just want to slap it.
I want to slap it.
I just want to slap
his hideous, beautiful face.
Um, you mean kiss?
No, I mean slap.
Whoa. You got it bad, girl.
Okay, I read the rules.
It says here you can use anything
you brought with you.
So brainstorm. Go.
Hmm... hmm-hmm-hmm.
Oh, I got it!
We could shave Dad,
glue his hair to the table,
and the theme could be
"That's Nasty."
Let's steal another kid's display.
What?! Bob, no.
Okay, not that.
We don't have to cheat.
But we have to win,
by probably not cheating.
Oh, ew, Bob, your breath.
Take a mint.
You can smell it all
the way over there?
I don't know what's wrong
with me. Maybe I'm dying.
That's it! Mom's purse.
Dump it out!
Yeah, Lin, there's got to be
all sorts of stuff in there.
- Let's take a look.
- All right, dump it.
That's where all
my wadded tissues went.
Start making piles of stuff
that could go together.
Eh... okay, I got one.
Lipstick, pepper spray,
tiny bag of carrots.
What's the theme?
Uh, "Woman of the Night."
She gets dressed up, she kills
a john, she has a snack.
Uh, let's keep making piles.
♪ Tell me
♪ About every single time
you've cried ♪
♪ The first time
♪ Oh, when your goldfish died.
This is amazing.
Eight encores.
They usually only do seven.
Shut up!
Why would you talk during a song?
Please be quiet, Tina.
What? They can't be done.
I'm not done!
Where are they going?
Backstage.
They probably
have backstage passes.
Uh, let's go do that.
But we don't have passes.
Tina, did you learn nothing
from the Boyz 4 Now song,
"Girl, You Don't Need
a Backstage Pass"?
Wish kid, fatal strep
throat, coming through.
Nope.
I'm detective Brenda Lee Johnson.
There's been a murder backstage.
No one gets through the door.
Look, I get it.
I'd love to let you back there.
I can see the pain in your face.
That pain doesn't go away;
It only gets worse.
Don't get older.
Hot dogs. No, no, wait.
Oh, yep, yep, this one's hot.
We're ready to go, Zeke.
Where's Leslie?
He's using his shirt money to buy
an endangered box turtle
from the tour bus driver.
Tour bus?
But whatever you do, don't
feed him after midnight.
Just kidding. He doesn't
know what time it is.
What is he, wearing a watch?
Hey, cuz.
Look who just joined the family.
He lives in a shell
and he's cute as hell.
Cool.
Hey, bus driver, what other
endangered animals you got in there?
Well, I got an African egg frog.
I got a horseshoe bat.
Got a skink and a skunk.
Got a bush baby...
- How much you want for that bush baby?
- Not for sale.
- Come on.
- But buy the skink, I'll throw in the skunk.
I want Griffin to sign
the inside of my eyelids,
so he's the last thing
I see before I go to bed.
What are you going
to ask Boo Boo to sign?
Oh, no, Tina. I don't want
Boo Boo's signature.
I told you, I want to slap him.
I don't know if he'll like that.
That's why it has to be
a surprise attack.
We need to find some place
to burst out of.
In there?
Uh, great idea,
but just in case we
aren't six inches tall,
how about in... there?
- Ah, smells horrible in here.
- Yeah.
It would be terrible
if these smells got stuck
to the inside
of my nostrils and I would
have to smell this sweaty
sweatband forever.
I think they're coming.
I'll slap Boo Boo in the face,
and we'll be on our way.
Crush crushed.
Whew. Great show, guys.
Yeah. We caused a lot
of smiles tonight.
Totally.
Settle in guys.
We've got an overnighter.
I think we're moving.
Oh, my God.
We're going on tour.
Slapabama, here we come.
Should we jump out now?
What's the protocol
in this situation?
Maybe you shouldn't
rush into this, Louise.
We could just live in here forever.
All right, Boo Boo.
We got to strap you
into your booster seat.
No! I don't wanna!
When you hit 80 pounds,
you can sit in a big boy seat.
No!
Guys, why don't you sing the song?
♪ Gettin' into
your booster seat ♪
♪ From your big boy head
to your big boy feet ♪
♪ Gettin' into your booster seat...
♪ What the hell is going on?
I don't know.
Is "booster seat" code for drugs?
♪ From my big boy head
to my big boy feet ♪
Boo Boo!
Ah! It's a girl!
A girl saw me in my booster seat!
Don't look at me!
- Stop the bus, Jody.
- No, Jody,
don't stop the bus.
Who said that?
No one.
You were just thinking it.
- We got another one in the hamper.
- Stopping the bus.
Hi. I'm Tina, your new roadie.
Do I have something on my face?
Just kidding.
I know it's five sweatbands.
We'll let you off
at this rest stop up ahead.
Hey, use the phone.
Call your parents.
They're probably worried about you.
I know I'd be worried
about my daughter.
If I had one.
But I'm 17, so I don't.
Wait.
Before we go, Boo Boo,
my sister wants to
ask you something.
What?
What? It sounded like...
What? What?
What are you saying?
What? What?
Get me out of this thing!
I'm trying to talk to a fan.
Give me just a little dignity.
Thank you.
Now, what was that, little girl?
- Bold.
- Worth it.
I think we nailed it.
Yeah.
It's daring, it's different.
Nobody else is doing this.
I'll just put a little more
of this strawberry jam
from Mom's purse and...
- done.
- Ugh.
Look at their table.
Nerd alert.
- Am I right?
- Yeah.
You lose.
You guys, we didn't give up
like we usually do,
and I think it really paid off.
I'm proud of us.
All right, here comes the
judge. Good luck, Gene.
Go get 'em, Gene Bean. Yeah!
Eh?
Oh, good Lord.
Welcome to my "Menstru-rant."
I thought we decided
on "Period Piece."
Hope you brought your appetite,
and your hot flashes.
Okay, I think I've seen enough.
As you'll see, beside the plate
is a sanitary napkin.
May I place it on your lap
in case there's a big spill?
No. I...
Please, let me.
Get away.
It's got wings.
- Show her the tampon straw.
- No.
I don't want to see
the tampon straw.
Someone's on the rag.
Well, at least those
two got creamed, too.
Oh, God...
Dad, do I have to do this again?
Yes.
Them losing is like us winning.
Yeah, and we got fourth place.
I mean, I don't think
any of our kids
have gotten fourth
place in anything.
I'm number four!
I'm number four!
Ooh, I got an idea for next year.
- Baby Jessica stuck in a well.
- Yes!
You have to look for
your dinner for two days
as the nation watches.
Thanks for coming to get us,
Aunt Gayle.
It was the least I could do.
The good news is my cat
is going to be fine.
He just has to wear
goggles from now on
in case it happens again.
Tina, if that's what
your life is like, God,
how are you even alive?
What do you mean?
You have a crush
on almost every boy you know.
How do you do it?
Feeling that way for three hours
was way too much for me.
I'm no hero. I put my bra on
one boob at a time
like everyone else.
Well, the good news is
that now that I got it
out of my system,
I'm done having crushes forever.
I hope for your sake you're right.
But if not, you know where I live.
You're a strong woman, Tina.
I know.
Good night, Tina.
Night, Mom.
Night, Louise.
Did you guys have fun today?
Pretty dull.
Aw.
Ugh. Disgusting.
I hate you so freaking much,
you idiot.
Slap.
♪ I want to hear your secrets
♪ I'm so interested in you
♪ What did you have
for lunch today? ♪
♪ Tell me breakfast, too
♪ Which friend
are you mad at, girl? ♪
♪ What size are your shoes?
♪ You just went to the bathroom,
number one or number two? ♪
♪ I want to know everything,
everything about you ♪
♪ I want to hear your secrets
♪ I'm so interested in you
♪ Even if it's not a secret
♪ Tell me that stuff, too
♪ Details,
I want to know details ♪
♪ What's your dad's name?
♪ Details, details ♪
♪ And your mom's
♪ Any allergies?
♪ Details ♪
♪ How was prom?
♪ Interesting, so interesting.
♪ Don't care about
the world above ♪
♪ Down here it's dark and cold
♪ I'm just looking
for a nugget of gold ♪
♪ My hat is hard
but my heart is soft ♪
♪ It's dusty down here
and so I cough ♪
♪ It's a dirty job
but I ain't stoppin' ♪
♪ I know I'm breathin' toxins
but you're lookin' foxin' ♪
♪ Will you be mine?
♪ Coal mine
♪ Will you be mine?
♪ Diamond...
Hey, I was watching that.
Bad enough I'm being forced
to go to their concert.
It's like I'm going
to the electric chair
and you're making me watch
videos of the electric chair.
Louise, you be nice.
Your Aunt Gayle got you
those tickets
and she's excited to take you.
I'm super excited.
I've been practicing
my concert scream all week.
Ah...
Ah... Still ne...
might need some work.
Why would you waste a scream
on a stupid boy band?
Screams are for roller coasters
or axe murderers
or Dad's morning breath.
Hey, it's not that bad.
Oh, whew!
Brush your teeth.
I did.
Well, then,
help me look for my keys.
I've told you to stop
putting stuff in there
if you ever want to see it again.
You put my baby brother in there
and that was the last
we saw of him!
Javier Belcher, I love you!
I'm serious.
We're gonna be late
for Gene's table-setting
competition.
Ugh.
Do I really have to?
I-I'd rather go to
the boy band concert.
Bob, one of our kids is actually
participating in something.
We're going,
even if it's table-setting.
It's table-scaping.
And it's the most exciting
competition on four legs.
It combines accurate
table-setting placement
with creative themes and costumes.
I'm sure it's much more exciting
than it sounds.
It has to be. Right?
Gene, how did you even end up going
to the regionals
in table-setting, anyway?
It was the only non-athletic
after-school activity,
and I creamed the competition.
As you can see,
my tablecloth is a trash bag.
Mm-hmm.
Please enjoy this gar-beverage.
Amusing.
And when the meal is over,
you can deposit your dirty
silverware in the truck
to head to the dump.
Beep! Beep!
Our theme is twin dinner.
Twinner!
Two knives.
Two forks.
Two napkins.
Two plates...
Congratulations, Gene.
You're going to regionals.
All right!
Mmm.
Gene, if you like
setting tables so much,
why don't you set tables
at the restaurant?
Or here?
No, Dad.
I don't set where I eat.
Where's Aunt Gayle?
It's my first concert.
I want to hurry up
and start remembering
this moment for
the rest of my life.
Maybe Aunt Gayle realized
that she's a 42-yeldaroman
and she shouldn't be
into boy bands?
Hello?
Hi, Aunt Gayle.
Are you outside?
An emergency?
Emergency?
Okay, yeah...
I-I understand.
Bye.
Give me the bad news.
Give me the bad news!
Aunt Gayle pepper-sprayed
one of her cats
because she thought
he was an intruder
trying to sexually assault her.
She has to take him to the vet
and we have to miss the concert.
Yeah!
This is the best thing
Aunt Gayle's done
since she pooped her pants at
the cell phone store last year.
Ugh, my heart
just pooped its pants.
Wow. Lots of people.
I didn't realize that table-setting
was such a big deal.
'Scaping!
Check out those trophies.
Ooh, and judges
with buttons that say "judge."
Well, got to get cracking
if I'm gonna win first place.
You know, honey,
it's okay if you don't win.
Yeah, Gene, I mean, win or lose,
we're just proud that...
you're setting a table
at the competitive level.
Ooh, mini croissants!
No matter what I say,
stop me when I've had 16.
So, now that we're not
going to the concert,
what should we do first?
All right, I'll give it a shot.
Is this it?
Yeah, that's good.
Okay! I hate this.
Come on, Tina, cheer up.
It's four lame boys who dance.
There's so much more
out there in the world.
No, there isn't!
Ugh, it's no fun having you down
if I'm not the one
who got you there.
I'm sorry.
Fine. I'm not a monster.
I'll help you.
What do you mean?
I mean I'll get you to the concert.
- I'll get you there.
- How?
Are you sure we can
bike all the way there
by the time the concert starts?
Not if we keep
chitchatting like this.
Oh, here's the freeway.
Once we merge, get in
the fast lane, okay?
And we'll get there in no time.
What?
Zeke?
What are you doing here?
Me and my cousin Leslie
are going to sell
some bootleg T-shirts and hot dogs
at the Boyz 4 Now concert.
Boom. Whatcha letcha.
Ha! Check it out.
One size fits all.
Damn, this one says my
card's declined, too.
Zeke, you have any money?
Nah, my white ass is broke.
Hey, I've got gas money.
You got room for two
more in that buggy?
You slip me a fiver,
I'll be your driver.
Leslie loves rhymes.
And pasta that comes in cans.
If it ain't from a can,
it don't go in this man.
I've never ridden with
this many hot dogs before.
A day of firsts.
Watch out. You squish 'em,
you bought 'em.
Boyz 4 Now, here we come.
Don't squish it!
So who's your favorite
Boy 4 Now?
Griffin's the hot one.
And he's super extreme.
His dog is a wolf.
Stop.
And then there's Allen.
He's cute but shy.
His fans are called
Allen-coholics.
Ugh.
My stepmom's an Allen-coholic.
And a shopaholic.
Double trouble!
This is Matt.
He's moody and a little older.
I think, like, 17.
Maybe his mustache is 17,
but he's 90.
And then there's Boo Boo.
He's young
but crazy good at dancing.
I used to be a real
Boo Boo Booster,
but now I'm kind of into Griffin.
Ugh, stop talking!
Stop. Stop.
- Okay, I'm gonna put my fist in your mouth.
- Okay.
Oh, Marilyn.
Tragic beauty.
I love your son's table.
Hi.
Aw. Thank you.
Magic. Hmm.
Uh, what's "hmm"?
Your table's cute.
But only one person can
take home the Golden Plate.
And we sure didn't come
to take home the Silver Spoon.
Yeah, well, we ne...
neither did we.
- Right.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah!
Oh, please.
Come on, Oscar.
You've still got
a crying Joe DiMaggio
to carve out of butter.
- Bye, guys. Good luck.
- Don't talk to them!
Gene, get back to
work on your table.
You've got to win.
I thought you said it was okay
if I didn't win.
Well, that was before
we met that idiot.
Now, chop-chop.
Ooh, Dad, you got the fever!
'Scaping fever!
Whoo!
Can't escape the 'scape!
Let's do this!
Yeah!
Ugh, no wonder no one likes women.
All right, see you after the show.
Be careful.
There's a lot of puberty in there.
I can't believe I'm here.
It's really happening.
I feel light-headed.
Whoa! No fainting!
I don't think I'm strong
enough to go in there alone.
I need you to come with me.
Fine.
I'll get you to your seat
so you don't get trampled,
but then I am out of there.
What is wrong with all of you?
They're just boys!
Boys? Where?
Oh, come on.
Hello, young man.
What can you tell me
about your table?
Oh, well...
Wait, what's that behind your ear?
Is this your place card?
Oh! Oh, my!
Now, please, take your seat.
Allow me to put
your napkin on your lap.
Ah...?
Very clever.
Oh, I seem to have
forgotten my centerpiece.
Or did I?
Eh?
And what menu would you serve
with this setting?
For the entrée,
you'll pull a roasted rabbit
out of your top hat plate.
Served with
abracadab-braised potatoes
and ice cream shazamwiches
for dessert!
Oh!
She's smiling.
I think it's going well.
He looks good.
He looks loose.
I'm pleased to announce
our four finalists:
Melissa Brown, Oscar Anthony...
I did it! I did it!
...Heather Smith
and Gene Belcher.
- Yay!
- Yay!
Wait, why are there four winners?
Finalists, please report
to your table
and begin assembling
your second original display.
Second display?
If you thought
our first table was good,
which you did...
No, we didn't.
...just wait until
you see our second one.
I don't want to give anything away,
but we're about to take a
rocket ship out of this world.
So it's space-themed?
I can't say.
Well, it is.
You just basically said it.
- I'll never tell.
- Plus, I didn't think your first table was good.
I graciously disrespect
your answer.
Well, wait till you see
what we got, okay?
I'm busy then.
Well, you're gonna have
to look at it if you're here.
I'm double-parked.
Okay, finalists.
On your mark, get set, set.
All right, Gene, what have you got?
It better be bigger and more
impressive than outer space.
Or Marilyn in space.
Marilyn in space.
I didn't know there was
supposed to be a second display.
- What?!
- Uh...
Did you read the rules, Gene?
No! There were 16 pages.
I only got up to the part
that said no open-toed shoes.
What are we gonna do?
We can't lose.
We've come too far.
Come too far? Come too far?!
We haven't come too far, Lin!
We're just getting started!
- Okay, so what are we gonna do?!
- Why am I talking like this?!
- I don't know! Why am I tal...
- I think I'm excited!
- Oh, God!
- This is weird! We got to win it!
- Let's win it!
- What?
I'm wearing open-toed shoes.
Ah, shoot.
Boyz 4 Now!
Boyz 4 Now! Boyz 4 Now!
Okay, Teen, I think you're all set.
Um, I'm gonna get out of here.
So, I'll see you later,
okay, buddy?
Good evening, ladies and girls!
Are you ready?
You know them, you love them!
What are they?
Boyz... 4... Now!
Boyz 4 Now! Boyz 4 Now!
I hope those
are the kinds of lasers
that slice people in half.
Please welcome... Allen!
Holy crap.
Griffin!
Lot of wires. Not quite
creating the illusion.
You guys seeing this?
Right there!
Matt!
Uh-oh. Sky Grandpa!
And Boo Boo!
This is terrible.
Who let all
these pretty girls in here?
♪ I want to hear your secrets ♪
♪ I'm so interested in you ♪
Boo Boo!
Oh, my God, who the frig am I?!
♪ Will you be mine? Coal mine
You're gonna miss
Allen's poetry solo.
You do not like a boy.
You do not like a boy!
Especially a boy named...
Boo Boo.
Aw. Aah! Stop it!
Oh, God!
Get a hold of yourself!
Aah! No!
Ah, Boo Boo's so cute.
Cute? He's the reason faces
were invented, you idiot!
♪ I need to show you a secret
♪ It's gonna be a surprise
♪ Come a little bit closer
♪ Let me whisper in your eyes
♪ When I whisper in your eyes
♪ Don't think, don't blink
Hey, girl, shh. Shush.
Close your lips and open your eyes.
I want your eyes to hear my lips
and also my eyes...
Oh, my God!
Tina. Tina!
I thought you were leaving.
Change of plans.
I need to talk to you.
I have questions.
Tell me about the band again.
- But in the car, you didn't want to...
- Tell me!
Well, Allen...
Next!
- Um, Griffin's...
- Yeah, sure, Griffin, Griffin.
Uh-huh-huh. Next!
Okay, Matt...
Next!
Well, that leaves Boo Boo.
Oh, really?
That's interesting.
Tell me more.
What about Boo Boo?
Boo Boo's the youngest.
And he's got a really great voice,
but he hasn't hit puberty yet,
so that could change.
What's he into? Sports?
I could get into sports.
What the hell else does he like?
I want to give him things.
Whoa, Louise. You like Boo Boo?
What?! No, Tina, that's...
Okay, right, like, I like a boy.
That's... Ugh!
Do you think he might like me?
Oh, my God, what's happened to me?!
Cut me open! I'm infected!
Pull it out!
It's okay, Louise.
You're just having a crush.
Never! Boo Boo!
Oh, my God, you are
sick, Louise Belcher.
You are sick!
I'm going to get you through this.
Tell me what you like
about Boo Boo.
Nothing. Everything.
I don't know.
Do you like his hair?
You mean those soft blond bangs
you want to hide under
like an umbrella on a rainy day?
No, not really.
And his face?
Ew, gross, it's so gorgeous!
I just want to slap it.
I want to slap it.
I just want to slap
his hideous, beautiful face.
Um, you mean kiss?
No, I mean slap.
Whoa. You got it bad, girl.
Okay, I read the rules.
It says here you can use anything
you brought with you.
So brainstorm. Go.
Hmm... hmm-hmm-hmm.
Oh, I got it!
We could shave Dad,
glue his hair to the table,
and the theme could be
"That's Nasty."
Let's steal another kid's display.
What?! Bob, no.
Okay, not that.
We don't have to cheat.
But we have to win,
by probably not cheating.
Oh, ew, Bob, your breath.
Take a mint.
You can smell it all
the way over there?
I don't know what's wrong
with me. Maybe I'm dying.
That's it! Mom's purse.
Dump it out!
Yeah, Lin, there's got to be
all sorts of stuff in there.
- Let's take a look.
- All right, dump it.
That's where all
my wadded tissues went.
Start making piles of stuff
that could go together.
Eh... okay, I got one.
Lipstick, pepper spray,
tiny bag of carrots.
What's the theme?
Uh, "Woman of the Night."
She gets dressed up, she kills
a john, she has a snack.
Uh, let's keep making piles.
♪ Tell me
♪ About every single time
you've cried ♪
♪ The first time
♪ Oh, when your goldfish died.
This is amazing.
Eight encores.
They usually only do seven.
Shut up!
Why would you talk during a song?
Please be quiet, Tina.
What? They can't be done.
I'm not done!
Where are they going?
Backstage.
They probably
have backstage passes.
Uh, let's go do that.
But we don't have passes.
Tina, did you learn nothing
from the Boyz 4 Now song,
"Girl, You Don't Need
a Backstage Pass"?
Wish kid, fatal strep
throat, coming through.
Nope.
I'm detective Brenda Lee Johnson.
There's been a murder backstage.
No one gets through the door.
Look, I get it.
I'd love to let you back there.
I can see the pain in your face.
That pain doesn't go away;
It only gets worse.
Don't get older.
Hot dogs. No, no, wait.
Oh, yep, yep, this one's hot.
We're ready to go, Zeke.
Where's Leslie?
He's using his shirt money to buy
an endangered box turtle
from the tour bus driver.
Tour bus?
But whatever you do, don't
feed him after midnight.
Just kidding. He doesn't
know what time it is.
What is he, wearing a watch?
Hey, cuz.
Look who just joined the family.
He lives in a shell
and he's cute as hell.
Cool.
Hey, bus driver, what other
endangered animals you got in there?
Well, I got an African egg frog.
I got a horseshoe bat.
Got a skink and a skunk.
Got a bush baby...
- How much you want for that bush baby?
- Not for sale.
- Come on.
- But buy the skink, I'll throw in the skunk.
I want Griffin to sign
the inside of my eyelids,
so he's the last thing
I see before I go to bed.
What are you going
to ask Boo Boo to sign?
Oh, no, Tina. I don't want
Boo Boo's signature.
I told you, I want to slap him.
I don't know if he'll like that.
That's why it has to be
a surprise attack.
We need to find some place
to burst out of.
In there?
Uh, great idea,
but just in case we
aren't six inches tall,
how about in... there?
- Ah, smells horrible in here.
- Yeah.
It would be terrible
if these smells got stuck
to the inside
of my nostrils and I would
have to smell this sweaty
sweatband forever.
I think they're coming.
I'll slap Boo Boo in the face,
and we'll be on our way.
Crush crushed.
Whew. Great show, guys.
Yeah. We caused a lot
of smiles tonight.
Totally.
Settle in guys.
We've got an overnighter.
I think we're moving.
Oh, my God.
We're going on tour.
Slapabama, here we come.
Should we jump out now?
What's the protocol
in this situation?
Maybe you shouldn't
rush into this, Louise.
We could just live in here forever.
All right, Boo Boo.
We got to strap you
into your booster seat.
No! I don't wanna!
When you hit 80 pounds,
you can sit in a big boy seat.
No!
Guys, why don't you sing the song?
♪ Gettin' into
your booster seat ♪
♪ From your big boy head
to your big boy feet ♪
♪ Gettin' into your booster seat...
♪ What the hell is going on?
I don't know.
Is "booster seat" code for drugs?
♪ From my big boy head
to my big boy feet ♪
Boo Boo!
Ah! It's a girl!
A girl saw me in my booster seat!
Don't look at me!
- Stop the bus, Jody.
- No, Jody,
don't stop the bus.
Who said that?
No one.
You were just thinking it.
- We got another one in the hamper.
- Stopping the bus.
Hi. I'm Tina, your new roadie.
Do I have something on my face?
Just kidding.
I know it's five sweatbands.
We'll let you off
at this rest stop up ahead.
Hey, use the phone.
Call your parents.
They're probably worried about you.
I know I'd be worried
about my daughter.
If I had one.
But I'm 17, so I don't.
Wait.
Before we go, Boo Boo,
my sister wants to
ask you something.
What?
What? It sounded like...
What? What?
What are you saying?
What? What?
Get me out of this thing!
I'm trying to talk to a fan.
Give me just a little dignity.
Thank you.
Now, what was that, little girl?
- Bold.
- Worth it.
I think we nailed it.
Yeah.
It's daring, it's different.
Nobody else is doing this.
I'll just put a little more
of this strawberry jam
from Mom's purse and...
- done.
- Ugh.
Look at their table.
Nerd alert.
- Am I right?
- Yeah.
You lose.
You guys, we didn't give up
like we usually do,
and I think it really paid off.
I'm proud of us.
All right, here comes the
judge. Good luck, Gene.
Go get 'em, Gene Bean. Yeah!
Eh?
Oh, good Lord.
Welcome to my "Menstru-rant."
I thought we decided
on "Period Piece."
Hope you brought your appetite,
and your hot flashes.
Okay, I think I've seen enough.
As you'll see, beside the plate
is a sanitary napkin.
May I place it on your lap
in case there's a big spill?
No. I...
Please, let me.
Get away.
It's got wings.
- Show her the tampon straw.
- No.
I don't want to see
the tampon straw.
Someone's on the rag.
Well, at least those
two got creamed, too.
Oh, God...
Dad, do I have to do this again?
Yes.
Them losing is like us winning.
Yeah, and we got fourth place.
I mean, I don't think
any of our kids
have gotten fourth
place in anything.
I'm number four!
I'm number four!
Ooh, I got an idea for next year.
- Baby Jessica stuck in a well.
- Yes!
You have to look for
your dinner for two days
as the nation watches.
Thanks for coming to get us,
Aunt Gayle.
It was the least I could do.
The good news is my cat
is going to be fine.
He just has to wear
goggles from now on
in case it happens again.
Tina, if that's what
your life is like, God,
how are you even alive?
What do you mean?
You have a crush
on almost every boy you know.
How do you do it?
Feeling that way for three hours
was way too much for me.
I'm no hero. I put my bra on
one boob at a time
like everyone else.
Well, the good news is
that now that I got it
out of my system,
I'm done having crushes forever.
I hope for your sake you're right.
But if not, you know where I live.
You're a strong woman, Tina.
I know.
Good night, Tina.
Night, Mom.
Night, Louise.
Did you guys have fun today?
Pretty dull.
Aw.
Ugh. Disgusting.
I hate you so freaking much,
you idiot.
Slap.
♪ I want to hear your secrets
♪ I'm so interested in you
♪ What did you have
for lunch today? ♪
♪ Tell me breakfast, too
♪ Which friend
are you mad at, girl? ♪
♪ What size are your shoes?
♪ You just went to the bathroom,
number one or number two? ♪
♪ I want to know everything,
everything about you ♪
♪ I want to hear your secrets
♪ I'm so interested in you
♪ Even if it's not a secret
♪ Tell me that stuff, too
♪ Details,
I want to know details ♪
♪ What's your dad's name?
♪ Details, details ♪
♪ And your mom's
♪ Any allergies?
♪ Details ♪
♪ How was prom?
♪ Interesting, so interesting.