Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 3, Episode 18 - It Snakes a Village - full transcript

♪ Going to Florida

♪ Going to Florida ♪

♪ Sunshiney, Florida

♪ Now-ow

♪ Going to Florida

♪ Florida, Florida

♪ Everyone's going somehow.

Great song, Mom.

- Ugh.
- Hey, sourpuss.

What are you gonna do,
stay here and work?

The restaurant's being fumigated.



It's the perfect time to go down
and see my parent's new condo.

Ugh, I'd rather let a fumigator
spray poison in my mouth

than stay with your parents.

- Bobby, stop it.
- No, they're nice.

Florida's our most
penis-shaped state.

- Who's your geography teacher?
- Mr. Ding-Dong.

I'm just thinking about that pool.
Oh, man.

Pool, pool, pool.

TINA: I'm gonna go
down the slide. Whoo.

I went down backwards.
No, I didn't.

Well, I'm glad
you kids are excited,

because I am going to kill myself.

- Bob.
- Yes!

Enough. My parents are
gonna be so excited



to see their little grandbabies.

And we are gonna
be excited to see them.

- TINA: Yay!
- LINDA: ♪ Going to Florida, tropical Florida ♪

(Gene makes fart noise)
LOUISE: Hey!

- BOB: Gene! Oh, crap. Hey!
- ♪ Manatees Florida, now.

GLORIA: You really didn't have
to come all this way.

- Of course we did.
- Well, it's done.

So, you know, you're here, so...

So, uh, how are you
enjoying the place, Al?

- Eh, fah.
- Oh, we're still adjusting.

What am I looking at over there
in leopard-print tights? A leopard?

(mumbling): I've told
them a hundred times.

- Oh, that's Helen Kellerman.
- She's nuts.

Okay, great story, Grandma.
Uh, you still got it.

Love you, miss you,
and where's the pool?

TINA: Ear infection, here we come.

Okay, go have fun.
(trunk closing)

(screams) Sorry, Gloria.

I guess you've still got
that thing about loud noises.

So, what's the plan?
What should we do?

Well, tonight, Al
and I are supposed

- to go to a potluck, but, uh...
- Hey, we could all go.

No! I mean, you don't want
to go to that.

Potluck? There's so many other
fun things to do around here:

- Mahjongg.
- Yeah.

- No.
- Chinese checkers.

- No.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Boccie.
- (gasps) Oh, boccie.

No.

- Backgammon.
- No.

- Mahjongg.
- Oh. You said that.

- I don't remember saying mahjongg.
- You did, you said it first.

Wine tasting.

- That. Let's do that. As...
- Ooh, yay, wine.

As soon as we can, right?
(whooping)

Can we go taste wine now?

Uh, I've never peed
in an Olympic-size pool.

I'm a little nervous
about going for the gold.

Relax, Gene. This is where all
those years of training pay off.

Mm.

"Closed for cleaning"?

(all gasping)

No!

Okay, okay, okay, calm down,
calm down.

We can fill it.
There's a drinking fountain.

Okay, we just...
we need a bucket.

Where are the buckets?

Forget the bucket, just spit.

(Louise shouting frantically)

My mouth's dry. Tina,
give me some of your spit.

- You missed. Try again.
- LOUISE: Oh, no! No, no, no!

(crying): Oh, no, no!
Our trip is ruined.

I used all
my vacation days for this!

Now what? I'm not gonna sit
and watch the sunset

or whatever these people do.

I say we go to Cuba.
We've got the floaties.

I've always wanted to see
the Bay Of Pigs. Sounds cute.

Hey, look,
it's the crazy leopard lady.

(playing harmonica)

♪ My Bitsy...

♪

(humming)

- Wow, that's bewitching.
- It's for my dead dog, Bitsy.

He used to love the sound
of this thing.

- I used to love it, too.
- How'd Bitsy die?

- Python ate him.
- There's pythons in Florida?

They didn't mention that
in the brochure.

Oh, we got everything here.

Pythons, panthers,
predatory stink bugs.

(whimpers) Yup, that's everything.

How do you know
your dog got eaten by a python?

- Did it leave a note?
- Two weeks ago,

I saw my little Bitsy
go into these woods.

Then I saw the python in there.
You do the math.

Ah, no thanks.
We're on vacation.

You do the math.
You do it.

(light Afro-Cuban music)

(slurping)

Wow, the red pairs
nicely with the white.

Look at all these active seniors.

I can't wait to get old
and move down here myself.

Lin, there's something
you should know.

- Now don't get upset.
- What? What happened?

Uh, this place

- is kind of special.
- Fah.

- I can see that.
- The seniors are active.

- Very active.
- Yeah, I said that already.

- I mean, like adventurous.
- Uh. (blows raspberry)

Yeah, okay.

- Okay.
- Ah.

- I got one.
- Ah...

Hmm?

(laughing giddily)

Oh, my God, Lin.

These people are swingers.

What, like-like dancers?

- No.
- No.

Like golfers?

- Uh-uh.
- No.

(gasping) Yeah.

Wha, wha, wha, wha, swi...

What? Huh?
Oh. (gagging)

I'm sorry about Bitsy. Is this him?

(whistles) He was a snazzy dresser.

- Wait, how big was this snake?
- At least ten feet.

Ten feet of snake?
In there?

Oh, he'd put the squeeze on you.

Oh...

I told the condo association
get rid of it.

They don't believe me.

But that snake's in there,
and it's a killer,

and I'm gonna prove it.

That's why I got this.

The only problem is,
I don't walk so well.

(gasping) You kids
could go in there.

- I'll pay ya.
- What?! No!

Gene, let Helen speak.

Well, what would you say to a $100?

- Oh, my God!
- No.

- Yes.
- Yes!

But you've got to get it on there.
No proof, no money.

- No.
- For a hundred bucks,

- we will get that thing on tape.
- No.

- Cheating on his wife.
- No.

- Taking bribes.
- No.

- Uh, shoplifting from a snake mall.
- No.

- Uh, giving up on his dreams.
- No.

We're going to get it all!

Since the first Burmese pythons
were released in Florida,

these voracious predators
have spread

from the panhandle
to the Everglades.

- So Helen's not crazy.
- At least not about this.

They eat rabbits, raccoons,
small dogs, even deer.

I'm too young to be an outline
in a snake's belly!

Gene, get a grip!
(yells)

We're talking about
a hundred dollars.

You once licked a slug
for a bite of a granola bar.

Slugs go well with granola!

Don't worry, Gene. As
long as we stick together,

the snake can't swallow all of us.

Speaking of sticking together,
how about I don't go with you?

I'll stay at base camp.

I'll be the guy who's, uh...
good with computers.

Call me...
Circuit Breaker.

I'm not calling you that.

I really think you should,
because, um,

I'm hacking into the mainframe.

Oh, oh, encryption.

Ha, ha. Right around ya.

And, oh... Activate spellcheck.

Go. I'm in!

What about those two?

- Yes.
- Wow. Ugh.

How about, uh, Earlobes
and uh, Back Hair?

Don't tell me they're into it.

You don't want to know
how into it they are.

That is unbelievable.

Oh, it's not funny,
Bob. It's gross.

No, Lin, it's really funny.

Ma, this is wh...

Why would you want to do that?

Why would you want to live here?

(gagging)

Because the other
places were horrible!

Old people waiting to die.

This place, the people are alive.

They're really alive.

- (laughing): That's amazing.
- Stop it!

We thought, if swinging is part
of it, why not give it a try?

Then we moved here,
and your father got cold feet.

Good for your feet, Dad.

Eh?

It's not good!
It's not good, Al!

No! (mutters)

Can I have a graham cracker, Helen?

Get your own.

You know, we could become

professional python bounty hunters.

We could move here and start
our own reality TV show.

We could call it
Snake It to the Limit.

Or So You Think You Can Snake.

Or Snake and Bake,

if we baked the snake
after we caught it.

Hey, I'm paying you
kids to track, not yak.

Hey, don't get your tights in
a bunch, Helen.

We're gonna find that snake.
See ya, Gene.

Can I have some melon?

- No.
- (grunts)

(animals chittering)

There must be millions
of places in here

where that snake could hide.

Okay, maybe not millions.

Let's try that again.

Florida's weird.

What's going on?
You just left.

- Ugh. Let us work, Helen!
- Then work!

We're working! God!

(grunts) Ow.

Ha! You missed!

Yeah, you missed. Wait.

Ugh. I don't want all these old

horny toads anywhere
near my parents.

I can't believe they got
mixed up in all this.

Easy, Lin.
Your parents are adults.

It's really none of our business.

I'm telling everybody
when we get home.

Ugh! I can't get the
image out of my mind.

A bunch of naked old people

all in a... yuck, naked.

- Oh, hi, kids!
- Hey.

- All in a what?
- Uh... look, over there!

- What?
- I got you. (laughs)

Huh.

Go to bed. All of you. Bed now.

Actually, we were thinking
we'd camp out tonight

in the parking lot by the woods.

Grandpa Al said we
could use his tent. Huh?

In the parking lot?
Away from this?

That's great!
Yeah, great!

But if anyone invites you
to a potluck, run away.

There's a potluck?!

You would not like it.

Really?
What do you mean?

It's hard to explain why
you wouldn't like it.

Well, give me some ideas.

I love the idea
of everyone bringing a dish.

LINDA: Oh, God!

Don't do it while
we're here, please!

Ugh! Oh!

Linda, we've been served

with a Notice
of Failure to Perform.

What? Failure? W-Why? Wha...?

Your parents RSVP'd
"no" to the potluck.

It's clear they have no intention

of taking part fully
in the activities here.

And those who don't
play can't stay.

- Eh.
- They can't?

Tonight's potluck was
their third strike.

They also missed the
Best Ball golf outing

and the South of the
Border fish taco night.

Ugh! Oh!

Wait. So you're kicking them out
for not going to your parties?

You can do that?

It's in our bylaws,
large print edition.

You've got to be part
of the community.

Well, these pots are keeping
their lids on!

Stay away
from their beef and noodles!

(sighs) I'm going to bed.

I hope you're better
at finding snakes

than pitching tents,
because you stink.

Well, I hope you're good
at finding your purse

and ponying up that hundred bucks.

I got the money.
Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

- Yeah!
- Yeah?!

Let me see it!

Hey, don't you worry.
I'm good for it.

Just put ten dollars in my hand.

Good night.
Good night, Helen.

Sweet dreams, okay?

I love you, Helen!

And I love your money!

Uh, it's getting dark.

I better go in the tent
and do base camp stuff.

(Gene yelling)

Oh, no! The tent's running away.

Oh, get back here
with base camp, Gene!

I don't want to!

Helen said she'll get you crackers!

HELEN: No, I didn't!

Oh, go to bed, already!

LINDA: Don't you worry, Mom.

I'm sure you and Dad can find

a nice retirement community.

One where a porch swing
is something you sit on

and not strap into.

I sat on that.
It was weird.

We won't be able to afford to
live in a retirement community.

Or even an apartment.

- (sighs) What? Why?
- Why?

If we get kicked out, we'll have
to forfeit our down payment.

(gasps) No.

Well, you know what I'm thinking.

No, no.
You could always...

No, no, no. No.
...move in...

No, no.
...with us.

(yelling) No!

GENE: What kind of animal was that?

Stop being scared, okay?

You're gonna spook Tina.

I'm not spooked. What's the
thing after spooked? I'm that.

Wait, wait!
Let's all stay in the tent.

Let's order tent service!

I'll get...
Ooh. Ooh, this is hard.

I'll get the Cobb salad and...

What do you guys want?
Okay, I'll just put you down

for some spicy wings
and, like, a dill salmon.

What else? Guys! Guys!

(Tina shouts) Shh!

Did you say "shh"?
Or did the snake say "sss"?

(rustling) What was that?

(Tina shouts)

Aah! Qu-Quit shining the light
in my eyes!

Whoops.
I think something's on me.

Is there something on me?
Uh, yes.

It's either a feather
or a scorpion.

(shouting) Get it off!

Tina, stop! Stop!
I'll get it!

No, no, no, no, no!
Now I can't see the scorpion!

(shouts) Drop and roll!

Drop and roll!
(shouts)

Maybe it was a feather.
Just think feather.

I hate feathers.

BOB: Oh, God. Oh.

Oh, stop it.
Oh, no.

If they need a place to live
they will live with us, Bob!

- Case closed!
- Well, why can't they live with your sister?

- Her life is already ruined.
- Gayle has a studio apartment.

- We have three kids and one bathroom.
- Not another word, Bob.

If they get kicked out of here,
then they are staying with us.

Well, then they are not going
to get kicked out of here.

What? Bob, Excuse me.

- Bob, where are you going?
- Nowhere.

What are you doing?
Nothing.

Bob. (sighs) Sheesh.
Bye.

LOUISE:
Snake-hunter to Snake-wuss. Over.

Snake-wuss to... Hey.

We're lost,
our flashlights are gone

and we can't find our way
out of the woods,

which is possibly full of
scorpions... or feathers. Over.

Follow the sound of my voice!

It's on the walkie-talkie, Gene.

Then follow your heart.

You can't go wrong!
Shush! Just shush!

Tina, let's think.

Is there such a thing
as night butterflies?

Please say yes.
(both shouting)

TINA: It could still be
butterflies. No, they're not.

- Hi, Al.
- Eh.

BOB: Looks like a pretty fun party.

(groans) I mean, look, all you
got to do is show up, right?

And then they'll let you stay.

Show up and... and play.

Well, yeah, but, you know,
that's why you came here, right?

I mean, you must have been
excited about it at some point.

What-what happened?

I saw all these other fellas.

- They're just a bunch of... peacocks.
- Mmm. Oh.

Y-You don't want to be the last
breadstick in the basket, huh?

- Ah. (sputters)
- There's, uh...

breadstick pills, you know?

Doc won't let me take those pills.

Bad heart...
and kidney...

- liver...
- Right.

And leg pains and dry mouth.

W-Well, what else gets you going?

Is there anything
you're into? Like, uh...

I don't know...
uh, feet or something? (groans)

- Leather?
- (groans)

- Spanking?
- Eh.

Um, I don't really know any others.

Well, there's one thing.
Gloria doesn't know.

What? What-what is it?

Eh. F-Forget it.

You can tell me, Al.

- (mumbling): Balloons.
- What?

Balloons!
Um, that's great.

I... Wait.
What is that?

I like... to watch
a woman inflate a balloon

and then sit on it till it pops.

It drives me cra-crazy.

No, that's... I mean,
that's what you're into.

Yeah, but Gloria hates
loud noises. It'd never work.

Uh, does it have to pop?
Yes! Pop! Pop! Yes!

What... Where'd-where'd
you see that first?

World Wide Web.
Uh-huh.

Uh, I've... I'll have to,
um... I'll check it out.

- You just... You just, uh... www-dot...
- Mm-hmm.

Women-inflates-a-balloon-and-
sits-on-it-and-pops-it-dot-com.

Yeah. Catchy name.

(groans) How are we still in here?

This is the tiniest
forest in the world!

All of a sudden I feel slower.

And shorter.
We're in a mud hole.

That's it!
I hate Florida!

Gene, come help us!
We're gonna drown in mud

if the snake doesn't eat us first.
I don't believe you.

Send me a picture of you in the
mud holding today's newspaper.

Until you do, I am turning off
the walkie-talkie.

Gene, don't do it!
Don't do it!

He did it.
You're dead to me, Gene!

And we'll be dead, too,
so it's complicated.

- Help!
- Help!

LOUISE: Help! Help!
(Tina yells)

♪ I'm not afraid of ghosts

♪ I'm not afraid of sharks ♪

♪ I'm not afraid of cancer

♪ I'm just afraid of snakes ♪

♪ They really creep me out

♪ Where are
their arms and legs? ♪

♪ It's not okay!

I don't think Gene's coming.

Less thinking, more screaming!

(shouts) Louder!

I can't, but I'll add gestures.

(shouting)

LOUISE: Oh, God!

No wonder they had
to clean the pool.

Dirty old ducks.

(upbeat party music plays)

♪ Dirty ducks

Dirty ducks.

♪ Dirty ducks.

Quack, quack.

(disgusted sounds)

Hi, Gloria.
(shouts)

Oh, sorry. Sorry to startle you.

I know that's your
thing. Okay. So, uh...

- so, what are you doing? Dishes?
- Yeah. I guess

I'm gonna have to pack
this place up.

Well, actually, maybe not.

Guess who's been talking
to Al about sex parties?

- Who?
- This guy.

And guess who found
out Al's secret kink

that even you didn't know about?

Who?
Me. I did. Right here.

- What is it?
- Well, the answer may startle you. Literally.

Do you have any earplugs
or headphones?

- And balloons?
- Huh?

And something to share,
'cause it's a potluck.

So we should whip something up.
What do you got in the fridge?

Uh...

Can't hold on much longer.

Tina, help me record my
last will and testament.

If you're watching this, I'm dead.

And I only have
a few things to say.

Don't touch my stuff!

No one gets anything!

I leave it all to my ghost!
(whirring in distance)

What the hell is that?

(shouting)

(thud)

Gene, you came!

Quick. Grab this.

(all grunting)

You saved us, Gene.
I owe you my life.

No, thanks. I've seen it,
and I'm not impressed.

Yellow Belly! Gene!

Your belly's not as
yellow as I thought.

- What happened?
- I didn't want to be an only child.

They're always weird.

Gene mowed us a path.
Drive us out of here.

(snarling)

(all shouting)

(all panting) I hate Florida.
I hate Florida.

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

LOUISE: Wh.

- Look. Bitsy's tutu.
- Ah. Yeesh.

This must be the place the snake
comes to digest its prey.

(rustling)

(all shout) (bark)

(barking)

(panting, barks) It's Bitsy!

He passed right through the
snake without being digested!

Like that time I
swallowed a button!

This button.
(barks)

Where are my parents?

Um, getting ready for the party.

- What?! AL:
- Wha...?

What is going on?
(gags)

What?!
Go! Go, you two. Have fun.

- Okay.
- What?!

Okay, bye!

- AL: Eh.
- We're going now!

- Bye-bye.
- AL: Thank you, Bob.

No problem, Al.
Oh, no.

- I wasn't talking to you.
- (chuckling): Oh.

Bob, you tell me what
is happening right now.

Al finally got
into the swing of things.

They're going to the party,
which means

they won't be kicked out,
which means I'm a hero.

Oh, you're a hero
'cause you got my parents

to go to a sex party?!

Well, maybe not a hero,
but, uh, eh.

Great, so they get to stay here

and get passed around
like hors d'oeuvres?!

With crabs!
In their crotches!

Linda, look at them.

(moaning, smacking)

Oh, my God. They haven't
kissed each other

in 20 years.
Ooh, it shows.

I'm sure they'll get better at it.

Huh. I guess if you love
something, you let it go swing.

What's with the balloons?
Oh, it's a long story.

Actually, I kind of
want to try something.

Does this do anything for you?

- (balloon pops) Ooh!
- Maybe...

LOUISE: Well, I guess the only
python was in Helen's head.

"Snakes on a brain." Am I right?

Yes, you are correct!
I can hardly wait

to see the look on Helen's face
when we reunite her with Bitsy.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, you again.
What do you got?

Get your purse out, Helen.
Better yet, go to the bank

and open up your safe...
we've got good news.

You got the snake?

- Better.
- (barking)

Bitsy!

(laughing, kissing)

Oh, what happened to your clothes?

Let's get you into
your big-dog pants. (barks)

Come back!

(barking)

- Bitsy!
- Maybe he doesn't like wearing clothes.

With that body,
I wouldn't either. (growls)

- HELEN: Bitsy!
- Oh, man.

We're never gonna get
our hundred bucks now.

Bitsy!

(crying) Bitsy seemed
really happy in there,

- if it makes you feel any better.
- Oh, yeah?

(crying) Uh, Bitsy!

Whatever you want to do,
I support you!

Bitsy, listen! Your favorite!

♪

♪ My little Bitsy baby

♪ Bitsy ♪ Bitsy

♪ Bitsy ♪ Oh, my Bitsy, baby

♪ Bitsy, I'm gonna miss ya,
my Bitsy ♪
♪ Bitsy!

- GENE AND TINA: Bye!
- LOUISE: Bye! Good-bye forever maybe!

- Bye, Ma!
- Bye, Dad!

We'll never forget it.

Can we come back sometime when
they're not cleaning the pool?

- No. Never.
- Absolutely not. Not a chance in hell.

Who were those people
eating breakfast

- with Gram and Gramps this morning?
- Yeah.

Oh, those were the Madisons.

Well, why was Mr. Madison
sitting on Gram-Gram's lap?

She never lets us sit there.
And I have asked.

Honey, he's old. He-he
thought she was a chair.

Right, right.

Um, you kids didn't see any of
the party last night, did you?

LOUISE: No, but we could hear it.

GENE: Those people should learn

to have a potluck without
popping all those balloons.

TINA: And without
having really loud sex.

(barking)

(whimpers)

♪ I'm not afraid of ghosts

♪ I'm not afraid of sharks ♪

♪ I'm not afraid of cancer

♪ I'm just afraid of snakes ♪

♪ They really creep me out

♪ Where are
their arms and legs? ♪

♪ It's not okay!

♪ I'm not afraid of ghosts

♪ I'm not afraid of sharks ♪

♪ I'm not afraid of cancer

♪ I'm just afraid of snakes ♪

♪ They really creep me out

♪ Where are
their arms and legs? ♪

♪ It's not okay!

♪ Oh, my Bitsy, baby,
Bitsy, I'm gonna miss ya. ♪