Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 3, Episode 17 - Two for Tina - full transcript
Tina finds herself in a love triangle.
Open up, babies.
Time for breakfast.
Who wants Mommy's sausage?
None for me,
thanks.
No sausage?
What's wrong, sweetie?
Today's the day I'm going to ask Jimmy Jr.
to the dance.
I don't want
sausage sweats.
Why?
I'm wearing my
sausage sweats right now.
Aw, my baby's going
to her first school dance.
It's not that big a deal.
I never went to a school dance.
What? You never went
to a school dance?
No, I had
other things to do.
Like what, Dad?
Well, I did leather-tooling.
I made a belt.
Somebody change the subject,
somebody change the subject!
Hey, I'm
fine with it.
I didn't
miss out on dances.
Those other kids
missed out on leather.
Aw, Bobby.
That's what
I love about you:
all your sad stories.
It's not sad.
Hush, you're
scaring Tina.
Put that out of your head
before you ask Jimmy Jr.
Happy thoughts,
happy thoughts.
Leather belts.
Sausage.
Sausage belts.
That's a great idea.
Hi, Jimmy Jr.
Oh, hey, Tina.
Did you see those two squirrels
fighting in the courtyard?
Hey, speaking of the dance,
are you planning on going?
Am I going to the dance?
Does this answer
your question? Pyeah!
- Oh, that must be dancing for "yes."
- Yeah.
Then, would you like to
go to the dance with me?
Uh, the best I can
do now is a maybe.
I want to know what
all my options are first.
That makes sense.
Yeah, it does.
- Because, why tie yourself down now?
- Yeah.
You know, you want to know all the girls
that might be interested
- so you could weigh...
- Right.
the pro... weigh them
against each other.
Okay, see you later.
Okay, bye.
Hey, Tina.
Yeah?
Ch-ah.
What's that
dancing for?
Just... your skirt's
stuck in your underwear.
Oh, thanks
for telling me.
- All right, fix it.
- Okay.
♪
♪ I'm gonna live forever
♪ I'm gonna learn
how to fly... ♪
Oh, my God.
Tina?
Josh?
What are you doing here?
I'm here for school.
This is homework for
my street performance class.
- Wow.
- I go to the performing arts high school.
I dance ballet.
Oh, a bad boy.
Cool.
Who's this?
I hope she's not another
Toe 'Ho.
A what
Douglas.
A dance groupie.
These hangers-on, they
really sap your energy.
No, Douglas,
this is Tina.
I never thought
I'd see her again.
Oh, great.
Hey, hey, Josh.
I have to do a minute of
handstands for extra credit.
Can you time me?
No, I'm-I'm
kind of busy right now.
I guess I'll just time
myself, then.
One, two, three,
- four, five, six...
- I haven't seen you since...
- Douglas, you got to stop, buddy, okay?
- Okay.
I'm so sorry, Tina.
What were you saying?
- I haven't seen you since...
- Since we kissed.
On either side of the
dairy case at Fresh Feed.
It was hot.
And cold.
Why didn't you call me?
No, I wrote down
your number, but I
put it in my dance pants
and it got all sweaty.
Dance pants.
Yeah.
- Never put anything down dance pants.
- Mmm.
Hey, I was just thinking,
our school dance is Saturday.
Will you
come with me?
Don't you want to know
what your other options are?
No, silly,
I want to go with you.
Well, that sounds fun, but my
school dance is on Saturday, too,
and today I got a soft
maybe from a boy I asked.
So... I'll have
to let you know?
That's totally fair.
Here's my number.
Oops, I lost it.
I know you're kidding.
Yep, that's
our chemistry.
It sure is.
Really cool
chemistry, too.
Douglas, please!
Oh, I recognize
that look.
Somebody's going to
the dance with Jimmy Jr.
Yes, and it
might be me.
Jimmy Jr. gave
me a maybe.
All right!
That's my
little maybe baby.
You're gonna be the prettiest
girl at the dance, maybe.
Just a maybe?
When's he gonna give you
a solid answer?
Soon, I hope.
Because Josh asked me to go
to his school dance, too.
Well, that's great.
Go with the kid
who's not stringing you along.
Remember, Tina,
a nerd in the hand is worth...
not really
that much, actually.
Never mind.
A yes is better than
a maybe, sweetie.
Don't end up
like your father.
Uh, what?
Don't end up
like your father.
I guess you're right.
But, I've logged
over 3,000 fantasy hours
on my relationship
with Jimmy Jr.
You don't just throw that away.
Bob's Burgers. Hello?
We can do it?
Yay. Oh, how exciting.
No teens are gonna
get pregnant on our watch.
I'll see you Saturday.
Uh, what was
all that?
Get ready to
shake it, Bobby.
We're gonna chaperone
Tina's dance.
Narc!
Chaperone?
That's a horrible idea.
Dad, your first dance.
We can get ready together.
Yeah, you can
zip each other up.
Uh...
Hi, Jimmy Jr.
I was wondering
if you've decided
who you're going
to the dance with.
Uh, no offense, Tina,
but you're pressuring me
right now, and guys
don't like that.
Well, then, maybe I'll go with
the other boy who asked me.
Wha...? Another boy?
Oh, uh...
I just decided.
I'll go with you.
Wait, you just decided
you'll go with me
because you found out
this other boy wants to?
That has nothing
to do with it.
Who is it? Lenny?
No.
I mean, he's good-looking,
but he's not that good-looking.
Plus, looks fade.
It's not Lenny.
Was it Nate?
No.
'Cause he has herpes.
- So you're saying you want to go with me?
- Yes.
And Josh wants to go with me.
Choose me, Tina.
I asked you first.
But you asked
me first.
We've got chemistry.
I've got a butt.
Look at it.
I asked you
and only you.
- As far as you know.
- What?
He said, "As far
as you know."
No, I didn't.
You said it.
Don't worry about
who said it.
Just watch the butt.
Jimmy Jr.,
I just decided.
I'm going to the dance with...
...Josh.
Well, would you at least
think about changing your mind?
As a handsome dancer
once said, "Maybe."
You're-you're the
handsome dancer.
Jimmy Jr. had a chance to hitch
his trailer to the Tina truck,
but now it's headed down
the highway to Joshville.
Honk, honk.
Two boys like Tina
at the same time?
And one of them's not even
papier-matcher, like Roberto was.
What happened
to Roberto?
Did you try
to shower with him?
Yeah.
Maybe.
Well, good
for you, Tina.
When I see Jimmy Jr.
at the dance on Saturday,
I'm gonna tell him, "Go do your 'you
had your chance dance,' buddy."
Wait-wait a minute.
Now we're chaperoning a dance
Tina's not even going to?
We're not doing it
for her, Bobby.
We're doing it for you.
I really wish we weren't
doing it for me.
Oh, wake up, we do
everything for you.
Dad, if you believe
you're beautiful, you will be.
I did.
But maybe we can do something
about that hair.
Did you wash it?
Walk home
with us, Tina.
There's just
something about your smell
that keeps
the mean dogs away.
Not today.
Josh is coming
to pick me up.
Tights.
Tina, is he a superhero?
Hey, Tina.
Hey, Josh.
So, I'm here
to pick you up.
- Whoa, careful!
- Whoa. Whoa.
Whoa.
Get it?
I literally picked you up.
It was like being
on a romantic stool.
Yeah, well, that
was just a stool sample.
There's more
where that came from.
Ten bucks says
you can't lift Gene.
Toss me into a tree,
then tell everyone
I climbed it myself
like a normal boy.
Wait, wait, wait.
Pick me up, pick me up.
Here we go.
- Put me down! Put me down!
- Okay, now, now you're down!
And now you're down.
That was cool.
Lifting a girl.
Big deal.
I'm sorry.
You are?
Better than you.
And what? This is Jimmy Jr., the
other boy who asked me to a dance.
This is Josh, the other
boy who asked me to a dance.
I'm Zeke.
I'm going stag.
So you dance, huh?
On those twigs?
You just got J-Ju-ed.
Whoa, guys, slow down.
Is this really worth it?
Come on, Tina.
We've got reservations
at a frozen yogurt stand.
Ha, can't afford
regular yogurt.
I can't believe Tina
found another dancer.
She's rubbing that
guy's feet in my face.
Uh-oh.
Somebody's as jealous as a
bald guy in a mop factory.
I'm not jealous, Zeke.
I just don't!
Like!
That guy!
Hey, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Calm down, now.
You want her back,
we'll get her back.
You think so, Zeke?
I don't know, but maybe.
Well, you just said...
Oh, just trust me!
Well, well...
Kind of.
It's so hard
when two boys want you.
You seem to be kind of enjoying
all this attention, Tina.
Come on, Bob.
Tina had a long wait
till she got to the buffet.
Let her pig out.
I'm just saying, you
shouldn't string boys along.
It's not right.
You can't just tell a boy
on the steps
of Buchanan Middle Schoo
30 years ago
that you're not going to the dance
with him when you said you would.
Whoa.
What happened, Bob?
Yeah, Dad,
open that wound.
- Let's poke around in there.
- All right, all right.
I was 13, and I just spent
my allowance on a corsage.
- Idiot.
- Hey, Becky.
I got you
this corsage.
It goes really nice with your...
other corsage?
Yeah, Curt gave it to me.
Hey.
Oh, hey, Curt.
'Sup?
Sorry, I didn't know
how to tell you.
I thought this
would be easiest.
Yeah, yeah, this is, um...
this is really easy, Becky.
Thanks.
Oh, well.
I'll see
you inside.
Great belt.
Great neck.
What'd you say?
Uh... nothing.
Yeah, that's
what I thought.
Your fly's down.
No, it isn't.
Oh, got me.
Yep.
Is this stuff really
important to the story, Dad?
Aw, Bobby.
That settles it.
We're gonna
make up for that awful,
terrible night and all
your other missed dances, Bobby.
That's not why
I told the story, Lin.
This is gonna be the biggest,
glitziest, Bobby-est school dance ever.
And if there's a chaperone
king, it's gonna be you.
There's no such thing
as a chaperone king.
Well, there wasn't a
raccoon king in our alley
until I went out there
and picked my favorite one.
His name's
Little King Trash Mouth.
He's gay.
He's gay?
Yeah.
Why?
He's got a boyfriend.
They just got married.
Hmm.
Wha...?
All right, J-Ju,
get your net ready.
We're about to hook us
a trout called Tina.
Hey, Tina.
Hi, Jimmy Jr.
What's up, girl?
I got you!
I got you!
Come on!
Uh-oh, J-Ju's
starting to rally.
Oh, he beat me.
Oh, look at this boy.
Look at that r-raging testosterone
just throbbing out of him.
Ah, yeah.
How you like
my boy now, lady?
Ah, I got mad.
My main man's
a crazy man.
I know what you're
doing, Jimmy Jr.
You're trying to get me
to go to the dance with you.
Well, try again.
I mean it,
try again.
Um... right now?
No, later.
Just do something
without Zeke.
Well, if that didn't
work, nothing will.
Sorry, J-Ju.
- Now let's finish what we started!
- No, Zeke!
Ow!
You little son of a bitch!
Hey, guys has, um... Tina
been talking about me at all?
Um, no.
Tough break, Jr.
Tough break.
Hey, will you guys help me
get her back?
We'll help you,
for a price.
Can you really
put a price on love?
Yes, you can. It's $20.
Okay, just tell me what to do,
and I'll do it.
Anything.
Hey, but don't let Tina know.
Jimmy Jr., please.
We are professional
and discreet.
We would never
tell her.
Hey, Tina, Jimmy Jr. just
hired us to help win you back.
He did?
That is the sleaziest,
sneakiest,
most romantic thing
I've ever heard.
Great. Can we quote you
on that for our Web site?
And could you
make us a Web site?
Operation Squash Josh
a go.
Take your positions.
Hi, Tina.
Wow, a horse.
That's me, Jimmy Jr.
What are you doing in there?
Say, "I love you more than hay!"
Say, "I love you. Hey!"
I love hay.
Oh, that's nice.
'Cause you're a horse.
Say, "Saddle up for love."
Satellite above!
Seattle has drugs.
Oh, that's where
they have drugs.
It's going great!
Hit her with the song.
Cue the tune, lover boy.
♪ "T" is for the way
♪ You take my breath away
♪ "I" is for
♪ The way I like it
♪ When you take
my breath away ♪
♪ "N" is for no one else
takes my breath away ♪
♪ And "A" is for asthma
♪ That is a disease
♪ That takes people's
breath away. ♪
That was amazing.
Score.
You did it.
Yeah. High-five all around.
- This is going good.
- Hey, Tina.
- What's with the horse?
- Jimmy Jr. dressed up
like a horse to surprise me.
Yeah, I know
what Tina wants.
And, oh, by the way,
- I kissed her.
- I kissed her, too.
Well, I kissed her first.
And you kissed her worst.
Guys, you both have kissed me.
It's true.
And I appreciate
you dressing up
as the most magical
non-magical animal there is.
But I want to go
to Josh's dance.
With Josh.
That's me.
Ugh. When you tell me no,
it makes me want you more!
Oh, no.
Aah!
No.
Aah!
No.
Aah!
I thought you knew how
to seduce your sister.
Wait, that's what
we're doing?
Be patient.
Come on, it
takes extra time
to get through those
extra thick glasses.
Plus she's a teenager
and they're so fickle.
Why do we have to get
a stupid babysitter?
What did I say about
using that word?
- You're not stupid, Jen.
- I know.
I brought this puzzle
for the kids to do.
Oh, look, it's nails
all twisted up.
I'm not saying it's unsolvable,
but it's probably unsolvable.
It's like the Ruben's Cube
of nails.
Yeah, that looks
great, Jen.
Oh-ho-ho...
Done!
- Oh, my God.
- What else you got?
Uh... we could look at my hand.
One of my fingers...
I got it caught
in a leaf blower.
And so the knuckle
didn't grow.
Oh, look at
the hand.
Wow.
That's great.
Thank you.
Ta-da.
Oh, my God,
it's like a fairy tale!
What a couple
of sexy beasts!
Can we just go?
Hi, Jen.
Not before I get a
picture, you can't.
- Come on, you two, get together.
- Hmm.
Say, "Romance."
Romance.
Romance.
Romance!
Tina, your ride is here!
And, uh...
oh, what's this, Bobby?
Our ride is here, too!
Look!
I told the guy
at the limo place
your sad story,
and he gave us a discount.
I'm staying home.
No, you're not.
Come on, I want to stand up in
the sun roof and yell bwah!
Right?
Yup.
♪
I'm a little
nervous.
I know, there's a lot
of talent in this room.
Hey, remember
to stretch, you two.
Or else you might get hurt
doing this... Ha!
Don't worry, Douglas.
I won't be doing that.
No, I know you won't,
sweetheart.
I like this song.
So do I.
Maybe we could like it
on the dance floor.
Just think of me
as your Nutcracker.
Sorry, that's the
only ballet I know.
What about the
lipcracker...?
Is that a real ballet, or
are you asking me to kiss?
Both.
JIMMY JR.
Put the lips down!
Jimmy Jr.?
I came to fight
for you, Tina.
Like fight-fight?
No.
I'm challenging you
to a dance-off!
Oh, my God,
a real dance-off!
My idea. And
you're welcome.
A pants off?
For me?
Uh, no, a
dance-off.
Oh. That's almost
as good.
Do Mom and Dad
know you're here?
I didn't know
what to do with them.
They solved the puzzle.
I didn't bring
any backup puzzles.
Yeah, we stared at a knuckle-less
finger for about 20 minutes.
Uh, Tina,
eyes on me.
- I'm winning you back.
- Right, sorry.
So You Think You Can Dance
called.
They said, "You can't."
Oh!
Did you, uh... learn that joke at
the School for Performing Farts?
These are the best insults
about dancing I ever heard!
I don't ever
want to leave this limo.
Oh, come on,
you little wallflower.
I'm gonna pick you.
Gonna pluck your little petals.
- Da-da-da-du!
- All right, I'm coming.
Mr. and Mrs. Belcher.
You are our best-dressed
chaperones.
Aw, thank you,
Miss Jacobson.
It's my Bobby's
first dance.
- Uh, first dance as a chaperone.
- Oh.
I've been to
dances before.
Of course. If you'll excuse me...
Hands where I can see 'em!
Ooh, Miss Jacobson's
a looker, isn't she?
You're telling me.
Why is she a teacher?
She should be, like,
playing a teacher on TV.
All right.
That's enough.
I'm just saying,
I just... Yeah. She's, um...
- ridiculously attractive.
- Enough!
Guys, Jimmy Jr. called the
dance-off, so he's gonna go first.
No moves are forbidden,
except "The Forbidden Move"!
Good luck to both of you.
And don't be self-conscious
if you start sweating a lot,
and your shirt sticks
to your chest and your abs.
Thanks, Tina.
Thanks, Tina.
DJ? Cue up
something that rocks!
Yeah!
♪
Okay, there.
We danced, all right?
I-I got the middle school
dance experience I never had.
Thank you, Lin.
One dance? Bobby, you didn't
even move your feet.
You're still not getting
into the spirit.
Look, we have a responsibility.
We're chaperones.
I saw a kid lick
another kid's eyeball.
Seems like something we should
get him in trouble for.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, Bobby.
Uh, I'm sorry I blew my lid
- about Miss Jacobson.
- Hey. Hi. Hi. Hi.
It's fine.
It's just, you know,
she-she really is a hottie.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
I bet if she asked you to dance,
you'd take another spin.
Wouldn't you?
Wouldn't you?
No. No. I... No.
I would not be interested.
Go on, say it.
Say you'd rather dance with her!
I-I... Wh... I...
Say it!
- This is for you!
- There!
Linda. What the hell?
Cut the fog, man!
Cut the fog!
Yeah!
Douglas, what do you think?
Take it slow or go rough?
Josh, you be as nasty
as you need to be.
Yes, nasty.
DJ, my music.
Wow, he looks like a
lion murdering a cloud.
I know.
Isn't it beautiful?
Linda? What's wrong with you?
What are you doing in there?
We just... I'm talking
to my girlfriends!
Oh.
Go away, Bob!
You want to dance
with Miss Jacobson!
You think
she's prettier than me.
Yes, she's hot, but it
doesn't matter. Who cares?
Look, I-I'm going
to go back out to the dance
and pretend none
of this is happening
because you're acting
like a middle schooler, Linda,
and I am, uh... Oh...
Gotcha!
- So that was just so...
- So you could have a little drama.
It's your middle
school dance.
What, did you think
these things are fun? Come on.
You are definitely nuts.
But now you're more
in the spirit, right?
You got some more dance
in your pants, don't you?
- Ooh. Come on.
- I don't. No. That... I don't know.
- Stop.
- Come on, this might help right here.
- I brought some schnapps.
- Here? We'll get in trouble, Lin.
That's right.
That's bad.
That is really bad.
Oh, my Go... oh, my God,
it just got good.
Look.
You brought two?
Double-fist it.
Double-fist it.
I'm not mixing
peach and mint.
Mmm.
- And with great dignity, the swan...
- dies.
Why did I not
bring any roses to toss?
I should always carry roses!
This isn't over!
Lightning round!
DJ, kick it!
Here I am. No, I'm not.
Here I am. No, I'm not.
Here I am. No, I'm not.
Stop. Turn off the music.
Someone's gonna get hurt.
I can't choose.
Maybe I don't have to choose.
We can make this work. We'll
come up with a make-out wheel.
Kind of like a chore wheel.
Uh, I don't want to do this.
Yeah, me, neither.
Give it a chance. Let's put
the "try" in "triangle."
Um, no, thanks.
Talk to you later, okay?
Tonight was really fun.
Until all of this.
This was a mess.
Oh. Yeah, um, I kind of forgot
what I was even doing here.
Well, we have a draw, but
we also have a loser.
Which would, of course,
be you, Tina.
If you ever go back
to being a one-boy girl,
you know where
to find me. And, hey,
Jimmy Jr., you got
some great moves.
You thinking what I'm thinking?
Let's do this.
Oh, yeah, girl! We got
ourselves a dance on!
- Too bad, T.
- I got greedy and grabby.
But I had two boys
fighting over me.
I'm thankful for that.
Sorry you weren't able
to make Jimmy Jr.
and Josh your sister-wives.
Hey, maybe next dance.
You flew too close
to the buns.
Watch the hands.
Um, Mr. and Mrs. Belcher?
Hi. I'm gonna have to ask you
to tone it down
a little bit.
Oh, you mean tone it down
like this? Whoop!
- No. That is not what I mean.
- Hmm.
This is completely
inappropriate behavior.
Bobby's first dance!
Oh, my God. Oh, Lin.
Oh, the schnapps.
- Oh, Lin.
- Oh, it tastes like peach.
Oh, man.
That's all over me.
Ah, I got to take
my shirt off. I'm gonna...
- I'm gonna lose it, too!
- Can I get a little help over here?
- I'm gonna lose it!
- All right, these two, out. Right here.
Ooh, you're even prettier
when you're angry, little lady.
I got it! I got it!
You're not security.
You're friends with Tina.
- Hey. Get your hands off me.
- What? Hey! These two.
- Get 'em out.
- Get your hands off me, little guy.
♪ "T" is for the way
you take my breath away ♪
♪ "I" is for the way I like it
when you take my breath away ♪
♪ "N" is for no one else
takes my breath away ♪
♪ And "A" is for asthma
that is a disease ♪
♪ That takes people's breath
away! ♪
Oh, that's nice.
'Cause you're a horse.
Time for breakfast.
Who wants Mommy's sausage?
None for me,
thanks.
No sausage?
What's wrong, sweetie?
Today's the day I'm going to ask Jimmy Jr.
to the dance.
I don't want
sausage sweats.
Why?
I'm wearing my
sausage sweats right now.
Aw, my baby's going
to her first school dance.
It's not that big a deal.
I never went to a school dance.
What? You never went
to a school dance?
No, I had
other things to do.
Like what, Dad?
Well, I did leather-tooling.
I made a belt.
Somebody change the subject,
somebody change the subject!
Hey, I'm
fine with it.
I didn't
miss out on dances.
Those other kids
missed out on leather.
Aw, Bobby.
That's what
I love about you:
all your sad stories.
It's not sad.
Hush, you're
scaring Tina.
Put that out of your head
before you ask Jimmy Jr.
Happy thoughts,
happy thoughts.
Leather belts.
Sausage.
Sausage belts.
That's a great idea.
Hi, Jimmy Jr.
Oh, hey, Tina.
Did you see those two squirrels
fighting in the courtyard?
Hey, speaking of the dance,
are you planning on going?
Am I going to the dance?
Does this answer
your question? Pyeah!
- Oh, that must be dancing for "yes."
- Yeah.
Then, would you like to
go to the dance with me?
Uh, the best I can
do now is a maybe.
I want to know what
all my options are first.
That makes sense.
Yeah, it does.
- Because, why tie yourself down now?
- Yeah.
You know, you want to know all the girls
that might be interested
- so you could weigh...
- Right.
the pro... weigh them
against each other.
Okay, see you later.
Okay, bye.
Hey, Tina.
Yeah?
Ch-ah.
What's that
dancing for?
Just... your skirt's
stuck in your underwear.
Oh, thanks
for telling me.
- All right, fix it.
- Okay.
♪
♪ I'm gonna live forever
♪ I'm gonna learn
how to fly... ♪
Oh, my God.
Tina?
Josh?
What are you doing here?
I'm here for school.
This is homework for
my street performance class.
- Wow.
- I go to the performing arts high school.
I dance ballet.
Oh, a bad boy.
Cool.
Who's this?
I hope she's not another
Toe 'Ho.
A what
Douglas.
A dance groupie.
These hangers-on, they
really sap your energy.
No, Douglas,
this is Tina.
I never thought
I'd see her again.
Oh, great.
Hey, hey, Josh.
I have to do a minute of
handstands for extra credit.
Can you time me?
No, I'm-I'm
kind of busy right now.
I guess I'll just time
myself, then.
One, two, three,
- four, five, six...
- I haven't seen you since...
- Douglas, you got to stop, buddy, okay?
- Okay.
I'm so sorry, Tina.
What were you saying?
- I haven't seen you since...
- Since we kissed.
On either side of the
dairy case at Fresh Feed.
It was hot.
And cold.
Why didn't you call me?
No, I wrote down
your number, but I
put it in my dance pants
and it got all sweaty.
Dance pants.
Yeah.
- Never put anything down dance pants.
- Mmm.
Hey, I was just thinking,
our school dance is Saturday.
Will you
come with me?
Don't you want to know
what your other options are?
No, silly,
I want to go with you.
Well, that sounds fun, but my
school dance is on Saturday, too,
and today I got a soft
maybe from a boy I asked.
So... I'll have
to let you know?
That's totally fair.
Here's my number.
Oops, I lost it.
I know you're kidding.
Yep, that's
our chemistry.
It sure is.
Really cool
chemistry, too.
Douglas, please!
Oh, I recognize
that look.
Somebody's going to
the dance with Jimmy Jr.
Yes, and it
might be me.
Jimmy Jr. gave
me a maybe.
All right!
That's my
little maybe baby.
You're gonna be the prettiest
girl at the dance, maybe.
Just a maybe?
When's he gonna give you
a solid answer?
Soon, I hope.
Because Josh asked me to go
to his school dance, too.
Well, that's great.
Go with the kid
who's not stringing you along.
Remember, Tina,
a nerd in the hand is worth...
not really
that much, actually.
Never mind.
A yes is better than
a maybe, sweetie.
Don't end up
like your father.
Uh, what?
Don't end up
like your father.
I guess you're right.
But, I've logged
over 3,000 fantasy hours
on my relationship
with Jimmy Jr.
You don't just throw that away.
Bob's Burgers. Hello?
We can do it?
Yay. Oh, how exciting.
No teens are gonna
get pregnant on our watch.
I'll see you Saturday.
Uh, what was
all that?
Get ready to
shake it, Bobby.
We're gonna chaperone
Tina's dance.
Narc!
Chaperone?
That's a horrible idea.
Dad, your first dance.
We can get ready together.
Yeah, you can
zip each other up.
Uh...
Hi, Jimmy Jr.
I was wondering
if you've decided
who you're going
to the dance with.
Uh, no offense, Tina,
but you're pressuring me
right now, and guys
don't like that.
Well, then, maybe I'll go with
the other boy who asked me.
Wha...? Another boy?
Oh, uh...
I just decided.
I'll go with you.
Wait, you just decided
you'll go with me
because you found out
this other boy wants to?
That has nothing
to do with it.
Who is it? Lenny?
No.
I mean, he's good-looking,
but he's not that good-looking.
Plus, looks fade.
It's not Lenny.
Was it Nate?
No.
'Cause he has herpes.
- So you're saying you want to go with me?
- Yes.
And Josh wants to go with me.
Choose me, Tina.
I asked you first.
But you asked
me first.
We've got chemistry.
I've got a butt.
Look at it.
I asked you
and only you.
- As far as you know.
- What?
He said, "As far
as you know."
No, I didn't.
You said it.
Don't worry about
who said it.
Just watch the butt.
Jimmy Jr.,
I just decided.
I'm going to the dance with...
...Josh.
Well, would you at least
think about changing your mind?
As a handsome dancer
once said, "Maybe."
You're-you're the
handsome dancer.
Jimmy Jr. had a chance to hitch
his trailer to the Tina truck,
but now it's headed down
the highway to Joshville.
Honk, honk.
Two boys like Tina
at the same time?
And one of them's not even
papier-matcher, like Roberto was.
What happened
to Roberto?
Did you try
to shower with him?
Yeah.
Maybe.
Well, good
for you, Tina.
When I see Jimmy Jr.
at the dance on Saturday,
I'm gonna tell him, "Go do your 'you
had your chance dance,' buddy."
Wait-wait a minute.
Now we're chaperoning a dance
Tina's not even going to?
We're not doing it
for her, Bobby.
We're doing it for you.
I really wish we weren't
doing it for me.
Oh, wake up, we do
everything for you.
Dad, if you believe
you're beautiful, you will be.
I did.
But maybe we can do something
about that hair.
Did you wash it?
Walk home
with us, Tina.
There's just
something about your smell
that keeps
the mean dogs away.
Not today.
Josh is coming
to pick me up.
Tights.
Tina, is he a superhero?
Hey, Tina.
Hey, Josh.
So, I'm here
to pick you up.
- Whoa, careful!
- Whoa. Whoa.
Whoa.
Get it?
I literally picked you up.
It was like being
on a romantic stool.
Yeah, well, that
was just a stool sample.
There's more
where that came from.
Ten bucks says
you can't lift Gene.
Toss me into a tree,
then tell everyone
I climbed it myself
like a normal boy.
Wait, wait, wait.
Pick me up, pick me up.
Here we go.
- Put me down! Put me down!
- Okay, now, now you're down!
And now you're down.
That was cool.
Lifting a girl.
Big deal.
I'm sorry.
You are?
Better than you.
And what? This is Jimmy Jr., the
other boy who asked me to a dance.
This is Josh, the other
boy who asked me to a dance.
I'm Zeke.
I'm going stag.
So you dance, huh?
On those twigs?
You just got J-Ju-ed.
Whoa, guys, slow down.
Is this really worth it?
Come on, Tina.
We've got reservations
at a frozen yogurt stand.
Ha, can't afford
regular yogurt.
I can't believe Tina
found another dancer.
She's rubbing that
guy's feet in my face.
Uh-oh.
Somebody's as jealous as a
bald guy in a mop factory.
I'm not jealous, Zeke.
I just don't!
Like!
That guy!
Hey, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Calm down, now.
You want her back,
we'll get her back.
You think so, Zeke?
I don't know, but maybe.
Well, you just said...
Oh, just trust me!
Well, well...
Kind of.
It's so hard
when two boys want you.
You seem to be kind of enjoying
all this attention, Tina.
Come on, Bob.
Tina had a long wait
till she got to the buffet.
Let her pig out.
I'm just saying, you
shouldn't string boys along.
It's not right.
You can't just tell a boy
on the steps
of Buchanan Middle Schoo
30 years ago
that you're not going to the dance
with him when you said you would.
Whoa.
What happened, Bob?
Yeah, Dad,
open that wound.
- Let's poke around in there.
- All right, all right.
I was 13, and I just spent
my allowance on a corsage.
- Idiot.
- Hey, Becky.
I got you
this corsage.
It goes really nice with your...
other corsage?
Yeah, Curt gave it to me.
Hey.
Oh, hey, Curt.
'Sup?
Sorry, I didn't know
how to tell you.
I thought this
would be easiest.
Yeah, yeah, this is, um...
this is really easy, Becky.
Thanks.
Oh, well.
I'll see
you inside.
Great belt.
Great neck.
What'd you say?
Uh... nothing.
Yeah, that's
what I thought.
Your fly's down.
No, it isn't.
Oh, got me.
Yep.
Is this stuff really
important to the story, Dad?
Aw, Bobby.
That settles it.
We're gonna
make up for that awful,
terrible night and all
your other missed dances, Bobby.
That's not why
I told the story, Lin.
This is gonna be the biggest,
glitziest, Bobby-est school dance ever.
And if there's a chaperone
king, it's gonna be you.
There's no such thing
as a chaperone king.
Well, there wasn't a
raccoon king in our alley
until I went out there
and picked my favorite one.
His name's
Little King Trash Mouth.
He's gay.
He's gay?
Yeah.
Why?
He's got a boyfriend.
They just got married.
Hmm.
Wha...?
All right, J-Ju,
get your net ready.
We're about to hook us
a trout called Tina.
Hey, Tina.
Hi, Jimmy Jr.
What's up, girl?
I got you!
I got you!
Come on!
Uh-oh, J-Ju's
starting to rally.
Oh, he beat me.
Oh, look at this boy.
Look at that r-raging testosterone
just throbbing out of him.
Ah, yeah.
How you like
my boy now, lady?
Ah, I got mad.
My main man's
a crazy man.
I know what you're
doing, Jimmy Jr.
You're trying to get me
to go to the dance with you.
Well, try again.
I mean it,
try again.
Um... right now?
No, later.
Just do something
without Zeke.
Well, if that didn't
work, nothing will.
Sorry, J-Ju.
- Now let's finish what we started!
- No, Zeke!
Ow!
You little son of a bitch!
Hey, guys has, um... Tina
been talking about me at all?
Um, no.
Tough break, Jr.
Tough break.
Hey, will you guys help me
get her back?
We'll help you,
for a price.
Can you really
put a price on love?
Yes, you can. It's $20.
Okay, just tell me what to do,
and I'll do it.
Anything.
Hey, but don't let Tina know.
Jimmy Jr., please.
We are professional
and discreet.
We would never
tell her.
Hey, Tina, Jimmy Jr. just
hired us to help win you back.
He did?
That is the sleaziest,
sneakiest,
most romantic thing
I've ever heard.
Great. Can we quote you
on that for our Web site?
And could you
make us a Web site?
Operation Squash Josh
a go.
Take your positions.
Hi, Tina.
Wow, a horse.
That's me, Jimmy Jr.
What are you doing in there?
Say, "I love you more than hay!"
Say, "I love you. Hey!"
I love hay.
Oh, that's nice.
'Cause you're a horse.
Say, "Saddle up for love."
Satellite above!
Seattle has drugs.
Oh, that's where
they have drugs.
It's going great!
Hit her with the song.
Cue the tune, lover boy.
♪ "T" is for the way
♪ You take my breath away
♪ "I" is for
♪ The way I like it
♪ When you take
my breath away ♪
♪ "N" is for no one else
takes my breath away ♪
♪ And "A" is for asthma
♪ That is a disease
♪ That takes people's
breath away. ♪
That was amazing.
Score.
You did it.
Yeah. High-five all around.
- This is going good.
- Hey, Tina.
- What's with the horse?
- Jimmy Jr. dressed up
like a horse to surprise me.
Yeah, I know
what Tina wants.
And, oh, by the way,
- I kissed her.
- I kissed her, too.
Well, I kissed her first.
And you kissed her worst.
Guys, you both have kissed me.
It's true.
And I appreciate
you dressing up
as the most magical
non-magical animal there is.
But I want to go
to Josh's dance.
With Josh.
That's me.
Ugh. When you tell me no,
it makes me want you more!
Oh, no.
Aah!
No.
Aah!
No.
Aah!
I thought you knew how
to seduce your sister.
Wait, that's what
we're doing?
Be patient.
Come on, it
takes extra time
to get through those
extra thick glasses.
Plus she's a teenager
and they're so fickle.
Why do we have to get
a stupid babysitter?
What did I say about
using that word?
- You're not stupid, Jen.
- I know.
I brought this puzzle
for the kids to do.
Oh, look, it's nails
all twisted up.
I'm not saying it's unsolvable,
but it's probably unsolvable.
It's like the Ruben's Cube
of nails.
Yeah, that looks
great, Jen.
Oh-ho-ho...
Done!
- Oh, my God.
- What else you got?
Uh... we could look at my hand.
One of my fingers...
I got it caught
in a leaf blower.
And so the knuckle
didn't grow.
Oh, look at
the hand.
Wow.
That's great.
Thank you.
Ta-da.
Oh, my God,
it's like a fairy tale!
What a couple
of sexy beasts!
Can we just go?
Hi, Jen.
Not before I get a
picture, you can't.
- Come on, you two, get together.
- Hmm.
Say, "Romance."
Romance.
Romance.
Romance!
Tina, your ride is here!
And, uh...
oh, what's this, Bobby?
Our ride is here, too!
Look!
I told the guy
at the limo place
your sad story,
and he gave us a discount.
I'm staying home.
No, you're not.
Come on, I want to stand up in
the sun roof and yell bwah!
Right?
Yup.
♪
I'm a little
nervous.
I know, there's a lot
of talent in this room.
Hey, remember
to stretch, you two.
Or else you might get hurt
doing this... Ha!
Don't worry, Douglas.
I won't be doing that.
No, I know you won't,
sweetheart.
I like this song.
So do I.
Maybe we could like it
on the dance floor.
Just think of me
as your Nutcracker.
Sorry, that's the
only ballet I know.
What about the
lipcracker...?
Is that a real ballet, or
are you asking me to kiss?
Both.
JIMMY JR.
Put the lips down!
Jimmy Jr.?
I came to fight
for you, Tina.
Like fight-fight?
No.
I'm challenging you
to a dance-off!
Oh, my God,
a real dance-off!
My idea. And
you're welcome.
A pants off?
For me?
Uh, no, a
dance-off.
Oh. That's almost
as good.
Do Mom and Dad
know you're here?
I didn't know
what to do with them.
They solved the puzzle.
I didn't bring
any backup puzzles.
Yeah, we stared at a knuckle-less
finger for about 20 minutes.
Uh, Tina,
eyes on me.
- I'm winning you back.
- Right, sorry.
So You Think You Can Dance
called.
They said, "You can't."
Oh!
Did you, uh... learn that joke at
the School for Performing Farts?
These are the best insults
about dancing I ever heard!
I don't ever
want to leave this limo.
Oh, come on,
you little wallflower.
I'm gonna pick you.
Gonna pluck your little petals.
- Da-da-da-du!
- All right, I'm coming.
Mr. and Mrs. Belcher.
You are our best-dressed
chaperones.
Aw, thank you,
Miss Jacobson.
It's my Bobby's
first dance.
- Uh, first dance as a chaperone.
- Oh.
I've been to
dances before.
Of course. If you'll excuse me...
Hands where I can see 'em!
Ooh, Miss Jacobson's
a looker, isn't she?
You're telling me.
Why is she a teacher?
She should be, like,
playing a teacher on TV.
All right.
That's enough.
I'm just saying,
I just... Yeah. She's, um...
- ridiculously attractive.
- Enough!
Guys, Jimmy Jr. called the
dance-off, so he's gonna go first.
No moves are forbidden,
except "The Forbidden Move"!
Good luck to both of you.
And don't be self-conscious
if you start sweating a lot,
and your shirt sticks
to your chest and your abs.
Thanks, Tina.
Thanks, Tina.
DJ? Cue up
something that rocks!
Yeah!
♪
Okay, there.
We danced, all right?
I-I got the middle school
dance experience I never had.
Thank you, Lin.
One dance? Bobby, you didn't
even move your feet.
You're still not getting
into the spirit.
Look, we have a responsibility.
We're chaperones.
I saw a kid lick
another kid's eyeball.
Seems like something we should
get him in trouble for.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, Bobby.
Uh, I'm sorry I blew my lid
- about Miss Jacobson.
- Hey. Hi. Hi. Hi.
It's fine.
It's just, you know,
she-she really is a hottie.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
I bet if she asked you to dance,
you'd take another spin.
Wouldn't you?
Wouldn't you?
No. No. I... No.
I would not be interested.
Go on, say it.
Say you'd rather dance with her!
I-I... Wh... I...
Say it!
- This is for you!
- There!
Linda. What the hell?
Cut the fog, man!
Cut the fog!
Yeah!
Douglas, what do you think?
Take it slow or go rough?
Josh, you be as nasty
as you need to be.
Yes, nasty.
DJ, my music.
Wow, he looks like a
lion murdering a cloud.
I know.
Isn't it beautiful?
Linda? What's wrong with you?
What are you doing in there?
We just... I'm talking
to my girlfriends!
Oh.
Go away, Bob!
You want to dance
with Miss Jacobson!
You think
she's prettier than me.
Yes, she's hot, but it
doesn't matter. Who cares?
Look, I-I'm going
to go back out to the dance
and pretend none
of this is happening
because you're acting
like a middle schooler, Linda,
and I am, uh... Oh...
Gotcha!
- So that was just so...
- So you could have a little drama.
It's your middle
school dance.
What, did you think
these things are fun? Come on.
You are definitely nuts.
But now you're more
in the spirit, right?
You got some more dance
in your pants, don't you?
- Ooh. Come on.
- I don't. No. That... I don't know.
- Stop.
- Come on, this might help right here.
- I brought some schnapps.
- Here? We'll get in trouble, Lin.
That's right.
That's bad.
That is really bad.
Oh, my Go... oh, my God,
it just got good.
Look.
You brought two?
Double-fist it.
Double-fist it.
I'm not mixing
peach and mint.
Mmm.
- And with great dignity, the swan...
- dies.
Why did I not
bring any roses to toss?
I should always carry roses!
This isn't over!
Lightning round!
DJ, kick it!
Here I am. No, I'm not.
Here I am. No, I'm not.
Here I am. No, I'm not.
Stop. Turn off the music.
Someone's gonna get hurt.
I can't choose.
Maybe I don't have to choose.
We can make this work. We'll
come up with a make-out wheel.
Kind of like a chore wheel.
Uh, I don't want to do this.
Yeah, me, neither.
Give it a chance. Let's put
the "try" in "triangle."
Um, no, thanks.
Talk to you later, okay?
Tonight was really fun.
Until all of this.
This was a mess.
Oh. Yeah, um, I kind of forgot
what I was even doing here.
Well, we have a draw, but
we also have a loser.
Which would, of course,
be you, Tina.
If you ever go back
to being a one-boy girl,
you know where
to find me. And, hey,
Jimmy Jr., you got
some great moves.
You thinking what I'm thinking?
Let's do this.
Oh, yeah, girl! We got
ourselves a dance on!
- Too bad, T.
- I got greedy and grabby.
But I had two boys
fighting over me.
I'm thankful for that.
Sorry you weren't able
to make Jimmy Jr.
and Josh your sister-wives.
Hey, maybe next dance.
You flew too close
to the buns.
Watch the hands.
Um, Mr. and Mrs. Belcher?
Hi. I'm gonna have to ask you
to tone it down
a little bit.
Oh, you mean tone it down
like this? Whoop!
- No. That is not what I mean.
- Hmm.
This is completely
inappropriate behavior.
Bobby's first dance!
Oh, my God. Oh, Lin.
Oh, the schnapps.
- Oh, Lin.
- Oh, it tastes like peach.
Oh, man.
That's all over me.
Ah, I got to take
my shirt off. I'm gonna...
- I'm gonna lose it, too!
- Can I get a little help over here?
- I'm gonna lose it!
- All right, these two, out. Right here.
Ooh, you're even prettier
when you're angry, little lady.
I got it! I got it!
You're not security.
You're friends with Tina.
- Hey. Get your hands off me.
- What? Hey! These two.
- Get 'em out.
- Get your hands off me, little guy.
♪ "T" is for the way
you take my breath away ♪
♪ "I" is for the way I like it
when you take my breath away ♪
♪ "N" is for no one else
takes my breath away ♪
♪ And "A" is for asthma
that is a disease ♪
♪ That takes people's breath
away! ♪
Oh, that's nice.
'Cause you're a horse.